By Shack
Tuesday. Ryan Seacrest and the So Very Silly Fake Heartbeat of Artificially Manufactured Dramatic Tension greet us from the Seal to Fantasia Barrino and Diana Degarmo. Ryan reminds us that one of these two women will soon be crowned this year's American Idol. The other one will have to settle for hearing a million ridiculous conspiracy theories about why she didn't win while William of Ockham spins in his grave.
Credits. Ryan heads onstage in his embarrassing Miami Vice outfit again: the cream suit with the black shirt. The camera pans around at dizzying speed over the audience, so we can all take in the fact that we're not in the tiny studio anymore. We're back at the big [product-placed camera company] theater. The stage has been transported to the theater as-is, so it looks pretty much the same until they pan across Pavlov's Dawgs, who are wearing their best "WOOOOOO!"s for this special evening. There's a live orchestra tonight as well. You know, despite the big deal they made of it at the start of the season, the Great Unknown really weren't around for the finals, were they? Ryan says the fans in the audience are split. He mentions there are fans of Diana. People cheer. He says that there are fans of Fantasia. They cheer more loudly then Diana's fans. If you hate Fantasia: The evil people behind the show who don't want Diana to win turned up the volume on the cheers. Also, they showed people waving Fantasia signs but not Diana signs, to convince people that more people love Fantasia. Because it makes perfect sense that people at home are going to vote based on how much the audience screams.
In an attempt to make the show look even more popular with a higher vote tally, the show has arranged for three lines to vote for each singer. So if power-dialing one number incessantly isn't working, you can try one of the other numbers. Plus, the lines will be open for four hours. I shudder at the idea that thousands of people out there spent four hours calling the same numbers over and over again. Ryan introduces the judges for their last night of critiquing, pointing out that Simon Cowell is wearing his best tight black shirt for the evening. Paula Abdul is wearing a disappointingly normal pink off-the-shoulder dress, though her elaborate necklace looks like somebody poured molten silver on her chest. Ryan concludes by lying that while Randy Jackson is no longer fat, he is still "phat." Oh, wait. If by calling Randy "phat," Ryan means that he's old and outdated, he's absolutely right. Randy cheers for himself.
Ryan drags Fantasia and Diana back out onstage to take care of the stupid, pointless [product-placed cola] non-terviews. The young women come out hand in hand, which might have ended up turning Simon on more than the catfight he so desperately wants. They've made it! How do you feel, Diana? "Wooooo!" No, really. Again, I wasn't exaggerating for comic effect. She actually goes, "Woooo!" -- twice. She says she can't describe how she feels. Hence the "Woooo!" How's Fantasia? She says she's "blessed" to be here in front of everybody and all. How has Diana prepared differently for this evening? What the hell does that even mean? Are they doing something besides singing tonight? Is there a new element to the finals? Did they add a javelin throw? Diana ignores the stupid question and just says she's going to come out and have fun and give 500 percent. What did Fantasia do to prepare for the show? She also ignores Ryan's question and repeats what Diana said. She threatens to inflict the Bobo on us. We're reminded that Fantasia won the coin toss last week (which the monitor helpfully flashes us back to) and will perform second. Ryan tells us that Fantasia and Diana will each sing three songs. Two will be of their own choosing -- the third song will be the winner's first single, "I Believe," "co-written" by Tamyra Gray.
Diana is up first, but we need to play clip shows so she and her choir can get into place. We're reminded about Diana's journey from being one of the most loathed contestants in the finals to making the top two. She started off in her horrid fuzzy pink beret, smiling her way through "Chain of Fools." She made it to the top twelve instead of Matt Metzger. Man, he's looking even hotter now that I've had to suffer through three months of dorky guys. I just read that he's going to be on a soap opera. Randy tells us that he thinks Diana is really ambitious for her age. Ryan insists to us that Diana came out weekly and proved that "age is just a number." Yes, a number that indicates how much life experience you've had, and how much you're capable of understanding certain types of subtext. They show her wonderfully awful rendition of "Do You Love Me?" Paula blathers that Diana has truly "come into her own." She says that about everybody who makes it to the finals. We see Diana singing "This Is It," which really does show her growth as a performer since that horrid "Do You Love Me?" travesty. We see Simon taking back his comments about Diana being too young. Diana tells us she's so excited and hopes to have a good show.
Ryan introduces Diana to the stage to be the first to inflict upon us Tamyra Gray's work of genius. She's in a simple black and white top and skirt that looks nice, and is surrounded by a choir. Wearing pink robes. And the lighting? It's pink. And she gets puffy clouds as her background graphic. When I joked in the recaplet that Diana shows us what Unicorn Heaven looks like during this show? It wasn't a joke. So this is the world through rose-colored glasses. The first line of the song asks, "Have you ever reached the rainbow's end?" I immediately hate the song forever. Ugh. "Did you find your pot of gold?" No. "Ever catch a shooting star?" No. God, no! Nooooo! "Tell me how high did you soar?" Let me finish injecting this heroin and I'll let you know. Uck. I do an Internet Movie Database search to find out whether some evil movie studio looked at the success of the Scooby-Doo films, decided to adapt The Smurfs to the big screen, and were looking for a theme song (the answer, for now, is "no"). The lyrics go on insipidly like this. I shouldn't have to tell you it's a ballad, do I? The verses, as usual, are a little too low in Diana's register, so she's a little wobbly. "I've waited all my life for this moment to arrive." Was that line in Kelly's first single? Or something like it? It's musical candy corn. It's just pure sugar with a bit of coloring here and there. The choir shuffles around while singing back-up. The bridge is about trying to succeed despite adversity. Anything is possible if you belieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve! Yeaaaaaahhhhh! I believe that I'm going to get so drunk that my neighbors will wake up with hangovers if I have to listen to this song all summer. "Love keeps lifting me higher," she sings over and over again. That's already a song. God, how awful.
Judges. Randy asks her what's going down. Didn't we establish before that stuff was going down? That's what stuff does. It goes down. Diana says that Tamyra wrote a great song that encapsulated what she was feeling right now. Smurfy? Randy name-drops Celine and Mariah and blah blah blah for no reason other than to tell her she did a good job. Paula blathers on about herself and how she feels like a "proud parent" here. Get a grip. You're more of a deadbeat mom. The only thing you're responsible for causing to grow around here is my ulcer. She says Diana looks great, sounded wonderful, and lifted everybody's spirits. Simon says Diana sang it really well, but brings up the age thing again. He mentions how she sang about climbing mountains and swimming lakes, but points out that she's sixteen. This bugs me so much, because this is one of the few times that age really doesn't play a real factor in the song, but Simon just had to bring it up. I had climbed a mountain by the time I was sixteen (and I haven't climbed one since). And who hasn't swum in a lake? It's a stupid comment that Simon just had to squeeze in now, rather than waiting for her to sing a song that requires emotional maturity. Diana even argues with him that she has climbed mountains, but Simon won't believe her. What an idiot. He says he expects someone the age of fifty to be singing that song. Well, I can't imagine anybody over the age of twelve finding anything of value in its mawkish sentiments, but what do I know? Pavlov's Dawgs boo Simon's stupid comments. Ryan comes out and gives Diana's numbers (all three sets). We see Diana's Smother…I mean, "mother" in the crowd, as well as several rejected finalists.
Commercials. When we return, Fantasia gets her clip show. She sings "Proud Mary" at the auditions, which I (and guest recapper Miss Alli) didn't really like at the time. I still don't. Randy says she sounded like Mary J. Blige combined with Aretha Franklin. Man, I wish he would just stop comparing just about every female singer with a husky voice to Blige. Why doesn't he compare her to Kim Carnes? Or, you know, the obvious, Macy Gray? Simon says that every American Idol season needs somebody like Fantasia, somebody who is willing to take risks. We see her comments in Pasadena about having big lips, but bigger talent. She was the first person voted into the final twelve. Oh, I keep forgetting to note that the top two finalists in each of the three seasons so far all came from the same semi-final group. Clay gets a big asterisk to his name, though, since he was in the same group as Ruben, but wasn't voted in until the wild card. But still, interesting coincidence. The judges lather her with praise and then rinse it off with their tongue baths. Ew. That image is a bit sick. She almost got voted off, twice, but wasn't. And she worked "yeah, yeah, yeah" into all of her songs.
Ryan introduces Fantasia to the stage to sing "All My Life." She's wearing a simple black sleeveless top and slacks with lots of dangly necklaces. She isn't wearing oversized earrings this time. Apparently the first two lines of this song are "Fala la la-la, sweedity dooo!" She's having some enunciation issues. Finally we can start making sense of what she's singing in time for me to wonder why the hell she picked this song. It's the K-Ci and Jo Jo song from around 1998. It's kind of boy-bandish. You'd know it when you heard it on that bland pop station they play at the office, but you couldn't tell anybody what it was called or who sung it if somebody had put a gun to your head. Or maybe I'm just projecting. Anyway, there's a good reason why this is the only song we've ever heard from these guys. Well, the only one I've heard, anyway. Fantasia sounds shrill and nasal during the verses, and then she doesn't even sing the chorus. She makes the back-up singers do all the work, coming in with a belted note or some "yeah yeah"s. At one point she starts bouncing and spinning around while she sings. And then the camera starts spinning around, but it's not at the same speed that Fantasia is spinning around and whooooa -- I'm getting a little dizzy. Fantasia's really getting into this song, but that makes it even stranger, because it's just not very good or worth getting into. It's like getting really emotional about -- oh, I don't know -- apple juice. I think there were about thirty "yeah"s in that song.
Judges. Randy says he loves the song, but didn't love the musical arrangement for this rendition. He thought she tried hard to bring up the energy of the song, but the band was just sort of lackluster. I'm going to side with the band on this one. The song isn't that good. The worst thing you could do is go overboard with it. And it's meant to be crooned, not screamed. Paula says Fantasia stands out as a great performer by taking a mediocre arrangement and "grabbing the audience in a chokehold and saying, 'Listen up!'" So that's one charge of musical assault, then? There's Amy and her cute boyfriend in the crowd. Amy's hair is no longer wacky-colored. How disappointing. Her boyfriend is still cute, though. Simon says Fantasia is very lucky to be able to sing more songs, because he thinks that performance was "a complete mess." Pavlov's Dawgs boo, and Simon tells them to shut up. Ryan comes out and gives us Fantasia's numbers.
Commercials. When we return to the second round, Diana is going to reprise her song choice from disco night, "No More Tears." I'm figuring that they told the women to choose songs they've already sung before in order to keep from overwhelming them with more songs to learn. Still, it's a bit disappointing. If you want a recap of Diana's performance, read this. Because I'm telling you, it's exactly the same. She starts sitting on the edge of the stage, and then she stands up to bop around with the key and tempo change. She's wearing a spangled pale pink camisole and black slacks. A shot of the crowd shows that they're standing and vaguely clapping, but they're so not into the song. I'm actually surprised the vote ended up being as close as it did. Though Diana overcame a lot of her early problems, it looks like she's still got a ways to go.
Judges. Randy says Diana sang her face off (ow!) and he's very proud of her. Paula agrees. Simon said she sang it very well, but the dancing (prancing) was hideous. Diana agrees. Heh. Ryan comes out and gives her numbers. Again.
Commercials. The tour info is back and zoomier than ever ("We've got a diet pill ad disclaimer to get to!"). Ryan introduces Fantasia back to the stage to flog "Summertime" for us. If you want to read a recap of Fantasia's rendition of this song, read this. Or this. Because for the third time, she's performing it exactly the same way. She's sitting on the stage. She's wearing a lovely coral dress. In a way, I'm glad she's proving that she can be consistent, because that's one of the big problems these singers have, but still I'd rather hear her do such a great performance on a different song.
Judges. Randy says it was unbelievable, and listening to Fantasia was like attending a master class of singing. And let's check in with Paula's incoherence: "You showed another talent as a true artist by reinventing yourself and showing that you'll never bore an audience by recreating yourself. And you forged commanding the audience. You never will bore them." You reinvent yourself by…recreating yourself? Is that like Madonna's current tour, where she's just cashing in on what's left of her musical career by singing all her old songs mostly the way they used to be? And nobody on earth, including Paula, knows what "forged commanding" was supposed to mean. Simon thinks that Fantasia is the best contestant they've had in any of the Idol competitions around the world. Twenty seconds later, Simon's email server explodes from all the hate mail accusing him of trying to sabotage their favorites, who are clearly the best and Simon's just saying that because he's jealous! Ryan comes out and gives Fantasia's numbers again.
Commercials. You can't always get what you want. Unless what you want is to have your fad diet catered to.
When we return, Diana gets her last song. Ryan blathers on about the prizes for the winners, which I ignored the first time, but I noticed this time that he said "free shoes for life." How prescient of him. Anyway, Diana is going to recreate another performance yet again with "Don't Cry Out Loud." She heads out in a black pantsuit and sparkly top that would look great at the Greater Atlanta Area Association of Businesswomen's annual banquet and charity auction. She sounds a little rough on the verses, but not bad. She starts off the belting okay, but things start falling apart halfway through. Apparently she was having earpiece problems or something or other, and the result is that she starts going off-pitch horribly. Well, not horribly. Despite her problems, she still isn't as bad as Jasmine. There were probably about five bad notes in the end, but the problem is that they were very, very obvious. Speaking of Jasmine, we see her smiling, clapping, and nodding in the audience. Yes, I'm sure she thought the song was perfect.
Judges. Randy points out Diana's problems with the lower register, and that she was pitchy in parts. Paula misuses the word "surreal," about the thirtieth person to do so on this show. "Surreal" is not a synonym for either "surprising" or "unreal." Paula agrees with Randy about the problems, but still thinks she's great. Simon seems to think Diana got a case of the nerves after hearing Fantasia sing "Summertime," which seems pretty doubtful. I don't think Diana has the imagination to be intimidated. He says Diana had one last chance to "nail" the competition, and he doesn't think she did. Pavlov's Dawgs boo. Ryan comes out and gives her numbers. Again.
Commercials. Ryan greets us from up by the tech stuff, along with a bunch of fans who stare and wave into the cameras. Now it's Fantasia's turn to try to make us like "I Believe." The chorus is back, and the clouds are back. But this time the stage lighting is blue and Fantasia is wearing a sea-foam green dress. And I think this performance shows the advantage of having a distinctive voice: It draws attention away from mediocre lyrics. We're really just listening and enjoying (or not enjoying) the tone of Fantasia's voice more than the lyrics themselves. It reminds me how I never realized how strange the lyrics to "Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road" were until Camile sang it weeks ago. It was really Elton's voice that sold the song. Such is the case with Fantasia. And for that matter, such was the case for Jon Peter Lewis and John Stevens when they were still on the show. I barely notice the awfulness of the lyrics, because I'm enjoying the way that she's singing and how she works well with the choir. The song? It's still awful. But it just feels less awful to me when Fantasia sings it. She bops around and works the stage, and even dances along with the choir's shuffling. There are seventy-five "yeah"s in the song. I think somebody sent me an email counting exactly how many times Fantasia sang "yeah" in the finale, but I can't seem find it. She positively wails toward the end. And she cries. If that shitty song can move you enough to make you cry, then I guess you really are a performer. All three judges give her a standing ovation.
Judges. Randy tries to tell Fantasia that she was brilliant over the screams of the crowd. Matt Rogers mugs for the camera. Shut it, hammy. Paula declares that this was Fantasia's night. Simon says that this song was Fantasia's acceptance speech. Ryan comes out to give Fantasia's numbers. She's still crying. He jokes with her to try to get her to give out her numbers, and she finally starts chuckling. Ryan gives out her numbers instead.
And so we're done with…aw, crap. They've brought Paul Anka back again. In last season's finale he sang "My Way," with lyrics altered to apply to the season. It was so popular last season, even though everybody totally forgot that it even happened, that they brought him back again. It looks like Paul Anka couldn't make it, so they carved a wooden simulacrum of him out of teak. He rhymes "Fantasia" with Simon suggesting "euthanasia" for the bad contestants. That's pretty good. Take notes, Tamyra. Behind Paula, we see clips of auditions and such. Awww, there's Nicole Tieri. I totally don't miss her at all. He rhymes "annoy you" in reference to the busy phone lines with "LaToya." There's a reference to Paula and Simon kissing, which we're all forced to watch again. And of course, there's a reference to Will Hung. And Randy losing weight. They all sang it their way. And we all overanalyzed it our way. Yay! After a final clip show, Ryan closes us out by managing to work in references to all the product-placed sponsors who have appeared on the show. Tool.
Wednesday. It's two hours of nonsense and blather. Woo! And then I'm done! Wooooo! We see various red carpet shots familiar to anybody who has ever skimmed past E! as Ryan tells us the stars came out to the finale tonight. There's Ray Romano! Wooo! Sharon Osbourne! Wooo! Andy Richter is here, in his best I Was Forced To Come Here If I Wanted FOX To Pick Up My New Show suit and fake smile. Tamyra's "Star" song plays in the background yet again. There are also big parties at the hometowns (or in the general vicinity of them anyway) of Fantasia and Diana. We see the camera's pass over the sign-wavers. At Diana's gathering, somebody is waving a sign that declares that Simon is hot. At Diana's party. Heh. Should have known then she wasn't going to win.
Credits. Ryan greets the huge screaming crowds hanging out in front of a stage outside the [product-placed camera company] theater. He's wearing an absolutely hideous black tuxedo jacket with shiny lapels, but no bow tie. He says the stage is for live performances to help milk this show for all it's worth. He has two co-hosts on the red carpet -- Christina Christian and…Jennifer Love Hewitt? Why? Go away! And take your dinners with you. Christina has a nice afro and is wearing a nice dress. Jennifer is wearing a black half-shirt and jeans. Classy. What does she care? She's going to be in the Garfield movie, the commercials for which make me wish The Day After Tomorrow were a documentary. Christina's going to work the carpet, while Halfwit hosts the outdoor stage performances with the losers.
After Ryan and Christina flee to go be with the pretty people in the air conditioning, Halfwit introduces LaToya to sing "If You Don't Know Me By Now" from the Season Three "soul" music compilation. LaToya is wearing a pink top and denim skirt. It's too late to try to get Diana's fans now, dear. She's also wearing a rhinestone-studded collar that appears to have a lock attached to it. Kinky! Now see, if LaToya had trotted out the S&M stuff earlier, she might have made it to the final two. She's typically good, technically proficient and kind of dull. There's some great belting, and some not so great melisma.
Back in the theater, it's the time in the finale where Ryan harasses the finalists as they're still in the dressing rooms. He bothers Diana first. Two stylists pretend to be futzing with her as Ryan comes in, and flee as soon as they're humanly able. They're afraid Ryan will ask for a touch-up and they'll be stuck there all night. How's Diana? She's great! Did she sleep? Like a brick! Can she answer this extremely stupid question about whether or not she can "celebrate" or if she's still in "compete mode"? No, she can't! It's a really stupid question. She'll just say that it's almost over and she wants to cherish the last few moments she has left. That kind of sounds like she thinks she lost.
Oh, poor Diana. Here's how you know you've lost: They got Kimberly Caldwell to host the party in Atlanta for her. She will always be the American Idol patron saint of desperate attention whores. Matt Rogers has a shrine to her. Through a remote, Kimberly and her white-trash overteased hair get really close to the camera to tell us all that there are lots of people here screaming. We can't hear her very well, because it turns out there's a lot of people there screaming. She bluntly orders the governor of Georgia to come up to her (Who cares if he's an important elected official? I'm a celebrity. I can do what I want. Look at me! Look! Look! I'm Kimberly!). The guy's name is Sonny Purdue. What a perfect Southern name. He says they're all cheering for Diana. Except for that one person cheering for Simon. Governor Sonny has a bet on with the governor of North Carolina. It's one of those bland governor bets where the loser sends the winner a case of agriculture associated with their state. They never bet anything interesting, like having the loser cover the winning state's budget shortfall or agree to store its nuclear waste. The governor is also wearing a pink jacket to support Diana. Well, that explains that ugliness, but it still doesn't excuse the horrible tie. Diana blows them all kisses and we're done, for now.
Commercials. On the bumper back, various irrelevant D-list celebrities like Tom Arnold and Star Jones tell us who they think is going to win.
We head backstage again to harass Fantasia in her dressing room. She's got a stylist touching up her lips, which she makes a joke about. They discuss the amount of work it takes to gloss Fantasia's lips; then she turns to Ryan and puts some lip gloss on him for good measure. Heh. She's got flowers and gifts in her dressing room. Toni Braxton sent her a candle. Poor, poor Diana. She really didn't stand a chance.
Time for Fantasia's fans in North Carolina. They've herded them all into a stadium in Greensboro, and she gets Clay as an announcer, which no doubt led to some confusion for his more rabid fans upset that Simon said she was better than him last night. I suspect they think Clay was forced to do this or have his parents beaten by 19 Entertainment's goons or something. He tells us there are more than 6,000 fans of hers there. She bounces up and down in celebration back in the dressing room. He's got the mayor of Fantasia's hometown, High Point, with him. He asks her to describe the feeling in High Point. She responds, "Whiiiiiiiiiiiine." Sorry, there was feedback all over her and we don't hear her. Clay says she said that there's a lot of love for Fantasia there. Well, duh. Maybe the Feedback was acting up because the question was so dumb and obvious and it didn't want to put up with it. Amusingly, the cheers drown out Clay totally, and he just has to give up on the interview. Heh. He makes some comment about the party they had for him last year, but adds that they all hope this time to leave with smiles on their faces. Because, you know, Clay lost. Not that it matters anymore.
Ryan sends us over to Christina on the red carpet with Nicole Richie, who manages to pretend that she's not a loathsome wench for about thirty seconds. The second season of The Simple Life will be starting soon. On FOX! What a coincidence! She loves American Idol and TiVo'd it and blah blah blah. Who does she think will win? She's heard everybody saying they voted for Fantasia, but says she isn't sure who will win.
Back at the outdoor stage, Halfwit introduces George Huff back to the stage to sing "Me and Mrs. Jones." He wears a black jacket, jeans, and a mint shirt that looks pretty good on him. He smiles his way obliviously through a naughty song about sleeping with a married woman. He sings well, and his natural hoarseness works well with the song. Sounding like he's in his forties actually sounds better here. If he had a younger voice, it would be "Me and Mrs. Moore." Man. That was a Mullen joke right there.
Commercials. When we return, we're back with Ryan, interviewing Paula and Randy backstage. Simon is late. Randy's jacket looks alarmingly like one that I just recently bought. You would never catch me in an orange tie, ever, though. Well, it doesn't look as bad on Randy because he's black and it doesn't clash with his skin tone. Um. We got off-track there, didn't we? Paula's wearing a shiny white and silver dress. Ryan asks Paula if this was the best season yet. She says it was, and also the most exciting. Place your bets now if you think they'll be saying all this again season about the quality of that season. Randy says it was an unpredictable season. Ryan asks if they're proud, because apparently these two nitwits think they had something to do with the way things turned out. Needless to say, they're proud. Paula says she can't wait for the singers to move on and start their careers so she can live vicariously through them some more. Ryan asks Paula if they'll see tears tonight. Paula says they won't. Then her nose grows and pokes out Ryan's eye. Paula tells us she cried last night. And she hugged Fantasia, and she was crying. And then Paula started laughing hysterically. And then Fantasia started laughing hysterically. And then Paula called her doctor for a refill.
Back out on the red carpet, Christina bothers an unshaven Ray Romano. He doesn't care. He's got his last season coming. He's going to go the whole season without showering. He's got his contract. He doesn't give a shit. He was here last season as well, and he brought his daughter and her friends. He complains about being stuck in a limo with five thirteen-year-old girls. Thanks for describing yet another one of the punishments that will probably be inflicted upon me in Hell. He says he thought both finalists were good, but leans toward Fantasia.
Back at the outdoor stage, Halfwit brings Jasmine out for a quick interview. So, like, did you go back to Hawaii? Yeah, it was great! They all love me because I'm cute! Look, I got some red streaks in my hair! I just can't leave my hair alone. At all. Ever. Isn't the crowd just so awesome? It is! I love it! Jasmine blahs her way through "Midnight Train to Georgia" with all the passion of a sleeping cat. She's wearing a black camisole and what looks like zippered black parachute capri pants. Yikes. So many really wrong adjectives to go with that outfit.
After Jasmine's done draining the life out of that song, we head backstage with Ryan to harass Simon in his dressing room. Why is there a monitor with a picture of Simon giving a thumbs down in his own dressing room? He's not that vain, is he? Well, maybe. Who knows. He's certainly vain enough to sit around with his shirt open three-quarters of the way down his chest. Ryan comes over to interview him. On the table to Simon, the exact same photo from the monitor is there framed. Is this some sort of personality branding? Do we actually need it when said personality is already in the room? Does Simon even need anymore branding? Seriously, we now associate criticism with Simon Cowell in this country. He's fully branded, folks. Ryan starts asking Simon questions, and Simon doesn't realize at first that they're on the air, but he doesn't say anything naughty, dammit. Ryan asks Simon what the most difficult part of being a judge is. Simon says it's not difficult because he's the only judge who knows what he's talking about. I'm sure then that it's everybody around him who has difficulty accepting this "fact." He reminds us that he said from the start that Fantasia could be one of the best contestants they've had. Ryan is a tool and asks Simon if the finals are about the singers or about him. Simon sees the purpose of the line immediately and pretends that he doesn't know and asks Ryan to come back, even though the answer is clearly obvious ("Simon"). Simon then lies and says the finale is about Diana and Fantasia. Ryan then grabs a bunch of Simon's black tees from a rack behind him and starts giving them away to crew members. Simon makes some kind of comment about not seeing Armani on these shirts, essentially revealing that it was a set-up and those weren't Simon's shirts at all. Thanks for not playing along with the idiocy, Simon. Well, not as much.
They throw it back to Halfwit. Halfwit has nothing to say or do. So she says goodbye and throws it to Christina, who has Sharon Osbourne on the red carpet. Sadly, there are no dogs. Is Sharon a big fan of the show? No, you idiot, she just wanted to be on television. Oh, wait. That would have been a valid response from her as well. Sorry. However, Sharon is indeed a big fan of the show. She loves Fantasia. She thought the show last night was great.
Backstage, Ryan capers with the chorus while they sing "This Little Light of Mine." Somebody get the tranq gun. He blathers about Diana and Fantasia singing and the voting and the blah blah blah he needs to say something to fill up the silence as he walks out on the stage to declare the actual start to the finale. Pavlov's Dawgs cheer.
Commercials. And then credits. Again. The transgendered terminator strides off for a well-earned vacation, back in a future where robots rule the world with a liquid metal fist. Sniff! See ya, guy/gal! The Melodramatic Announcer is done for the season as well. Oddly, the "official" show is starting at ten minutes to the hour. Got to have plenty of wiggle room for the horrible medley.
Oh, and this. Tamyra Gray sings the national anthem. Eventually. She works an entire scale into every single note. I think she manages to squeeze all of "America the Beautiful" in while holding that note in "home of the brave." Henry Winkler is in the audience. Finally, we get some real stars! Tamyra sings a cappella while wearing a toga. The song takes forever. This is why they had to start ten minutes early.
After she's done, Ryan heads back onto the stage to introduce himself to us again. More than 65 million votes were cast. Gee, they paid to set up this system so that more people can vote and for a longer length of time, and look what they did! They voted! I wonder if more people would vote for president if they just had to call an 800 number. Ryan reintroduces us to the judges. Simon's shirt is still unbuttoned. He did this last year, too. He thinks perhaps his kingmaker role is going to get him laid. He may be right. Ryan asks Randy to "set the mood." I wasn't aware that "Yo!" was a mood. Randy blathers that the mood tonight is hot and this is the place to be. Which is why so many big celebrities have come out. Hey, look! There's…no, that's just Henry Winkler again. Ryan asks Paula whatever and she says she's nervous and wants to get this all over with. He concludes by making fun of Simon's open shirt.
Ryan makes some stupid comment about the finalists daring to dream the impossible dream. You know, I always thought the thing about dreams was that nothing was impossible in them. Never mind, it doesn't matter. This is a transition to a rendition of "To Dream the Impossible Dream." Diana comes out in a nice black pantsuit and sings the first verse. She doesn't really know much about trying to beat unbeatable odds, but she will soon. Fantasia, also wearing a nice black pantsuit, joins her onstage to sing the second verse. The choir has also joined them onstage. After Fantasia's done belting her verse (she doesn't squeeze any "yeah"s in yet), Kelly Clarkson suddenly comes out of the stage's left wing to wail a verse. She, um, isn't wearing a top. She's got a jacket fastened in the middle and is wearing a silvery bra. But it's open at the top of the bottom. Looks like she got her belly button pierced. She sings much better than she has in a while and joins the other two on stage. And everybody knows what's coming -- Ruben comes out from stage right, wearing the exact same outfit as Kelly. No. Heh. He's wearing a big black suit. He sings a verse boringly. Then the three women and Ruben switch off with a couple of verses. The women blend well together. Each of them gets a glory note to call his or her own at the end. Ryan brings out a towel so Ruben can wipe the sweat off him after the effort of standing around and singing two verses of a song.
Commercials. If Halfwit is one of the "stars" of Garfield, then why isn't she in the commercials? Huh?
Every single Hey! It's That Guy in Hollywood is hoping for a long and successful life for The Jury.
When we return, Ryan's got Diana and Fantasia onstage with him. Did they think they'd be here? You already fucking asked them this question! In your second stupid interview special, dammit! Fantasia says she worked hard. Then Ryan just asks her the question again, dammit. Shut up, you stupid monkey boy. Hey, producers: for a tidy sum of $100,000 per season, I'll write some decent questions for Ryan to ask. Fantasia says she loves everybody. Diana tells us that she thought she'd never make it to the final twelve after she was put in the group with Fantasia. And then she thought she'd get eliminated quickly from the finals. But she made it! Thanks to us! Well, you people. Well, some of you people. Fantasia says that she was scared of Diana, too, but nobody believes her, including Diana.
Oh, let's hear some more screaming! No, nobody's singing this time. Ryan sends us back to Fantasia's party in North Carolina. Clay is with Fantasia's county commissioner. What, was the state comptroller on vacation? Who's , High Point's assistant city manager? They put a billboard up for Fantasia. We don't actually get to see the billboard. Great planning there.
they head over to Kimberly Caldwell and her desperate pleas for attention at Diana's party in Atlanta. She introduces Diana's choir teacher. Okay, they disposed of the governor of Georgia during the pre-show in order to make room for Diana's choir teacher? In a shocking development, the choir teacher thinks Diana is very talented. Oh, and there's the mayor of Snellville! He complains that Diana totally screwed up the city's budget back when he made her honorary mayor and now they're going to have to raise the sales tax. He says that Diana is going to win. They dwell stupidly over Snellville's motto -- "Where everybody is somebody."
Finally, we get a clip show from last night's performances. Ryan gives boxing metaphors for the fight, and there's a bell. Didn't they do this last year as well? Except they actually got Sugar Ray Leonard. You'd think they could come up with a new bit for the finale. Diana's first song got compliments. Fantasia's first song was weird. They both got compliments for their second song. Diana screwed up her last song. Fantasia cried over singing Tamyra's single, but in a good way. I think.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan introduces Kelly back onto the stage to sing "Beautiful Disaster" from her album. She's sitting on a piano, wearing what appears to be a less-ugly-than-usual pale blue bridesmaid's dress. It's not remotely attractive, but at least it's not embarrassingly hideous. The straps look like they've been chewed by dogs. The song is apparently about falling in love with a drama queen. Ugh. I'd say I've been there, but I know better. It's a nice little ballad with just piano accompaniment, and it's okay, but very forgettable. Kelly's vocals still aren't as solid as they used to be. And she's wearing too much blush. The song, though, has nice lyrics. I'll give her that. Considering what's come out of this show so far, it's got the only lyrics that aren't ridiculously insipid and obvious. Oh, I take back the part about the dress. It is hideous.
For the last [product-placed car] commercial, the car in question is given its own parade. Diana and Fantasia march along in front of it and pretend the parade is in part for them. But it's not. People are cheering for a car. They sing "Shining Car" -- oops, I meant "Shining Star" as people march behind the car, waving. Hooray! It's a car!
Commercials. When we return, some captions zoom by the bottom of the screen so fast that the only word I could make out was "Tamyra." I'll just assume they're apologizing for the quality of the lyrics in "I Believe." Ryan introduces the finalists all back to the stage for a final medley to show us all why they most of them have been voted out. Also it's a "tribute" to the guest judges. I think it's really more of a punishment for not saying anything of value and forcing them all to sing elevator music. The kids all come skittering out in hideous white and yellow outfits. You know, I never did get to see an episode of The Brady Bunch Hour. It's nice to have it reenacted for me here. George takes the lead with the guys "dancing" back-up at the opening of the medley for "I'll Be There." The show spent less time on the choreography for this medley than they spent on Ryan's hair. I'm surprised nobody falls off the stage. Unless perhaps this is all some sort of subtle homage to Paula's appearance in the video for OutKast's "Roses." The girls take the front of the stage for Gloria Estefan's "123." Camile gets a solo, and still can't sing a verse of anything where she hits the right note more than fifty percent of the time. And then this other girl sings a solo. Oh, that's Leah! I had totally forgotten about her. She's not good. Amy gets a solo, and her yellow shirt is shinier than everybody else's because she's wacky! Even though she doesn't have crazy hair anymore. Jasmine reprises the same tiny part of "Heaven Knows" that she sang back in the Donna Summer medley weeks ago, and is still awful. The other girls quickly come in and drown her out. Then they all sing "She Works Hard for the Money" for about five seconds. Then they all gather together to butcher "Solid." Simon and Paula laugh openly at the awfulness.
Oh, oh, oh! That was the most wonderfully awful medley transition ever! They blended in the "doo wahs" from "It Don't Mean A Thing (If It Ain't Got That Swing)" into the chorus for "Solid" before switching songs. I keeled over laughing. And I don't recall seeing Duke Ellington as a guest judge. They all dance terribly. Jon Peter Lewis does that creepy stare. John Stevens gives a little solo. Diana gets a solo for "I'm Still Standing." She's forced to do a duet with Jon, who mutters his way through the song like he's one of the bad auditions who wandered onto the stage. Then she does a duet with Matt, who hams it up as usual. They do the Pointy Pose, but it's a fake ending. Jennifer starts a solo of "I Made It Through the Rain." LaToya takes the lead from her partway through. Fantasia then comes in to finish the song. The kids pull off another Pointy Pose, though it's really its acceptable substitute, the Fists of Glory. Andy Richter is identified in the audience, as is Amy Yasbeck, whoever the hell she is. ["John Ritter's widow, I believe." -- Sars]
Oh, we have American Idol bloopers! Well, only one. We get to see a clip of a make-up woman not knowing what Barry Manilow looks like and thinking he's some black guy playing a keyboard. The keyboard guy laughs. Debra Byrd laughs. Barry Manilow does not laugh. He's an icon, dammit! It's as sad as when kids don't know where to find America on a map! Barry says, "That's fucking depressing." No, really. They bleeped out the profanity, but Barry said a dirty word. Hee! Somewhere a housewife clutches her chest in horror and composes a letter to urge him to be a better role model. He finally laughs when Debra tells him the make-up woman had to leave to go get a different color for Barry, since he's not a large black man after all.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Ruben Studdard to return to the stage to remind me why I hated his awful album. He's singing "What If," which, as I recall, was missing the appropriate question mark, so I was already annoyed. This is that damned song where he wonders if some girl would still like him if he weren't a star. Well, give us a year or two and you'll probably be able to answer the question. Assuming you don't have yourself a heart attack first. Ruben's wearing a black suit with a giant shirt with Luther Vandross's giant head airbrushed giantly upon it. This song is so stupid. It's so bland. It's bad R&B filler. It's just…there. He's got three back-up singers up there with him, but I can't tell if one of them is Rickey. After he's done, he shows off the giant Luther Vandross head. Be good, kids, or the giant head of Luther Vandross will come eat you in your sleep!
Commercials. When we return, Ryan's onstage with Diana, who's in a white pantsuit. The choir stands behind her. Is she the winner? No, no she's not. They're having her sing "I Believe" again. The pink Unicorn Heaven lighting is back. As are the awful lyrics. What exactly is she seeing written in the stars in the sky? "Close, but not close enough"? She actually sounds better tonight, I guess because there's no contest pressure on her any longer. But she still has to learn a little bit about dealing with the improvised parts of a song. Fantasia may ignore the song a little too much to get her "yeah yeah"s out, but Diana goes the other way, sticking to the song a bit too predictably. She cries. Apparently Kelly did, too. Probably because as bad as the song is, it's better than "A Moment Like This."
Now it's Fantasia's turn. She's going to sing yet another song she hadn't performed on the show before, "Dreams." She opens up with more "yeah yeah"s. She's got glittery eye shadow on. The song is okay. It's a little bland. Paula is crying already. The song talks about journeys and, well, dreams. She gets off some good belting toward the end, but it's sort of blah. It's still impressive to pull out yet another new song when she didn't even need to.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for the requisite final two duet. Diana and Fantasia will sing "I Knew You Were Waiting." So which is Aretha Franklin and which is George Michael? Apparently Diana will play Aretha, as she starts the song off. She's off in the audience, wearing a not-very-flattering black one-shoulder dress. She orders folks to their feet. They utterly refuse. Ha! They finally start to get up as she heads to the stage. Diana just punts most of the lyrics anyway, and orders everybody to party. Fantasia comes in, standing in another part of the audience. She stops to sing to Kelly and then shake some hands as she heads up to the stage to join Diana. Their voices blend pretty well together, and they obviously have become good friends out of this. Take that, Simon. No catfights for you! They hug after it's over.
Ryan heads out onstage; he's got Fantasia's necklace. Apparently it broke off while she was performing. Ryan asks Simon what the winner gets. He says they get what they always wanted: fame, stardom, and a ton of money. Don't forget the stalkers, the critics, the leeches, the paparazzi, and the substance abuse problems. Oh, and a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni! ["Am I the only person who used to watch game shows and think the year's worth of Rice-A-Roni sounded like a better deal than a trip to Hawaii? Just me coveting the second prizes? Okay then." -- Sars] Does Paula have any final thoughts? Yardstick igloo umbrella rainbow warehouse vanilla. Oh, wait, those are her thoughts, but what she says out loud is that she's proud of both of the finalists. She urges them to remember their first everything (song on the radio, concert, et cetera). Randy agrees with Paula and says they're both winners.
Even though they've already shown the judges' comments in the clip show, Ryan's going to read through them anyway. I know this recap has gone on a bit long, but I'm going to trust that you remember what happened fifteen pages ago. Also, I'm so very tired.
And now, finally the "moment of truth." No, no commercial break to torment us with. We've had all the torture we can stand thanks to the medley. The winner is Fantasia. She practically collapses as she and Diana hug. The crowd goes wild. The crowd in North Carolina goes wild, but it looks the same as when they were going wild all along. Her family members all hug each other in the audience. Everybody's crying except for Zion, who has no idea what's going on. What are Fantasia's first words as our new Idol? "Thank you so much! I broke my shoe!" Heh. She cries as she tells us all she's "been through some stuff" but worked hard to get here. Ryan tries to wave her family up onstage, but the security folks won't let them up. Awkward! They probably don't want them to mob Fantasia because there's still the sing-out, so it's probably Ryan's fault for waving them up in the first place. Ryan orders around of applause (and conspiracy theories) for runner-up Diana. She's crying, too, but I don't think she's really sad about losing or anything. It's just an emotional night. Her mother, wearing a pink bow big enough to put on a gift [product-placed car], applauds and smiles in the audience, plotting to destroy the world for rejecting her little girl. Eh, probably not. Diana's still going to get an album out of this. Diana thanks everybody and says that she's grown as a performer and a person from the contest. She tells us all to treat Fantasia well. Heh. She must have visited some forums.
Fantasia's still trying to keep her shit together in order to sing us out. I'm not sure if she's going to make it. The choir files out, and she starts to sing "I Believe" again. I can totally imagine Fantasia crying at the end of each and every one of her concerts. She holds it together, mostly. There are sparklers that look like they were aimed right at the choir members. I guess not, though, because they don't go up like Roman candles. Fantasia starts crying a bit and sits on the stage, but is able to get back up for the final "Love keeps lifting me higher" belt-fest. And here comes the confetti. And you know what that means? The remaining finalists come out to grab a few final seconds of screen time, to hug Fantasia, and to slide their phone numbers into her pocket in case she needs back-up singers for the album.
Ryan comes out to tell us all to keep an eye out for auditions for season, two of which are taking place in towns where I used to live -- Orlando and St. Louis. The Orlando auditions, I'm predicting, will be especially uncomfortable and desperate. They will also be having auditions in Alaska. I guess their bureau of tourism wasn't going to be shown up by no island paradise. Ryan thanks everybody involved with the show, including us, and concludes the show by forcing his idiotic catchphrase onto the show -- "American Idol, out." What a toolish way to end the season.
Well, now that it's over, I'll just admit that I agree with Simon's assessment that Fantasia is the best singer they've had on the show. She knows what she can do and what she can't do, and she knows how to deal with her limits and show off her talents. She can't belt her way through most songs, so she doesn't. She doesn't try to hit notes she can't and fail horribly. She understands that a song is more than just a way to show off your voice. She sold Tamyra's song far more than it deserved to be sold, so I have a feeling songwriters are just going to love her. And if she can maintain some level of control over her album, I may consider actually buying it, something I never even did for Kelly.
And thanks for reading the recaps all season and keeping the forums interesting. If I didn't reply to one of your many, many emails, I apologize. Apparently I was having email server problems I didn't even know about for several months and many responses disappeared into cyberspace forever. I appreciated all the praise, and was greatly entertained by all the personal attacks and insults.
Have a good summer and fall, and you better damn well treat the upcoming real-world elections with the passion and fervor with which you treated these.
Shack, out.
Sorry. I couldn't help it.