Screw all this controversy. Vile Bobby Flay "beat" Iron Chef Sakai! It's a worldwide travesty! Where's the outrage here? Where?
Tuesday. Bah. The teaser openings are back. Kids! Seal! Voting! Judging! Recriminations! Drama! Crying! Oh, and some singing, too.
Credits. Ryan Seacrest heads out on stage in a black suit and a black T-shirt that looks like it's got the logo for some flashy musical on the front. Maybe Cabaret. Let's hope he doesn't break into "Willkommen." He tells us that tonight is their "Barry Manilow special." And last week, when the show was delayed by the presidential press "conference," they also declared that it was a special edition. It's just your show, guys. This isn't a special. You're doing the same thing you do every week. Knock it off. He blathers on about Jon getting ejected last week, and reminds there are seven singers left. He tells us that it's getting harder for their kids to top their performances, and it's getting harder for us to decide who to vote for. Oh, please. The kids don't even need to sing anymore. The exact opposite is true. The voting system has caused many devoted viewers to vote for Contestant X regardless of how well Contestant X performed.
Ryan introduces Simon Cowell by calling him Lola from "Copacabana." Simon gives a bizarre fake-laugh that also gives us a glimpse at what his orgasm face might look like. ["A mental image that will now haunt my dreams forevermore. 'Thanks,' SHACK." -- Sars] Ryan says we can't smile without Paula Abdul. Or whatever drugs she's on. Whichever. Her right arm is in a sling tonight due to some sort of manicuring accident I don't even begin to understand and I'm not even kidding. Ryan introduces Randy Jackson by saying that he probably played bass on all the songs that make the whole world sing. Wow, no stupid dog references. Amazing.
Ryan introduces our guest judge tonight by saying, "If you haven't made out, made up, broken up or gotten down to one of his tunes, then you've missed out on the very essence of life itself." Hang on just a moment. Okay. I've angled the television properly so that I can continue recapping the show with my head in the oven. I'm not sure how far I'm going to get before the fumes overtake me. Sars, you may have to finish it for me. ["After that Simon comment? You're on your own, chief." -- Sars] Ryan jokes that they made Clay Aiken from Barry Manilow's DNA. Funny, I thought I read about folks behind the scenes in the record industry saying something similar following last season, but with a much less jovial tone. Barry comes onstage in a black suit and ugly red leather jacket. I've changed my mind about his hair -- it's really more Rod Stewart than Richard Marx. Either way -- ew. The audience cheers and gives a forced standing ovation. I can hear somebody booing as Ryan tells Barry they're all happy to have them there. It sounds like it could be Simon. Barry says that he hates everybody here and only came because he needed the money. No, of course not. He loves the show and the kids and fluffy clouds and ponies.
In Barry's clip show, Ryan narrates that Barry is the top adult contemporary artist of all time. Wow, what an honor. Congratulations, Barry, on being the least objectionable human being in the music industry. Hooray! He has a Grammy and a Tony. He sings, writes, and produces. He dances very badly. They show a clip of him singing "I Write the Songs," which he didn't write. Hysterical. And the song is awful anyway, which makes it even funnier. Barry insisted on working with the kids far more than Elton John did to make sure they don't fuck up his songs. As much. Imagine if they had Barbra Streisand as a guest judge to work with the kids -- they'd have to shut down production for three months while she micromanaged everything. Barry hangs out with the kids in some rehearsal area and tells them all he's what Clay Aiken will look like in thirty years. And some of Clay's fans will be just as deranged. Barry's crazy fans have the wisdom of experience, though. I already got hate mail from a "Fanilow" before I even started writing this recap. In the future, if you're trying to convince me that Manilow isn't a tired, dull scoop of bland-flavored sherbet, don't mention the commercial jingles he's responsible for as evidence. Barry tells us he wants to update his songs -- give them "plastic surgery," if you will. His wording, not mine. And then maybe he can release them as singles yet again. Dammit, why aren't I dead yet? Stupid electric stove. As we watch the kids wailing around some studio -- and horror of horrors, it looks like they might actually be recording these things for more than just practice -- Barry tells us what hard workers the kids all are. Barry says that whoever wins this show deserves to win the show, unless his name rhymes with "flan." I'm just guessing that last part there.
up is Jennifer Hudson. I keep noticing in all these practice clips that Jennifer apparently has a scarf made of Tribbles. Barry says that a lot of his songs require performers to have a lot of range. I'm a little confused by what Barry is saying. He says that you cannot sing his songs the way Jennifer is singing hers, but that's clearly not what he means. I think he actually means that you can't sing them without having a range like Jennifer's. I don't know. Maybe he actually didn't think Jennifer could pull his song off at first. Jennifer tells us she hasn't had a chance yet to pull off some really high glory notes. There weren't any in "I Have Nothing"? I beg to diffah, Jennifer. She thinks it's so awesome that Barry spent time helping them learn to be good performers and all.
Ryan introduces Jennifer to the stage to sing "Weekend in New England." I'm so bad with song titles. I just listen to songs and hardly ever think about what they're actually titled, so occasionally I'll hear a song title and think, "I've never heard that one before." And then it turns out I have. I always thought this one was titled "When Will I Hold You Again?" because that's the line of emphasis. Anyway. Jennifer is wearing a satiny white jacket with black capri pants and a couple of chain belts. And dangly black-and-white loop earrings. I honestly really don't like this performance that much. Jennifer sings well, but she punches every other note a little too much and the song volume keeps going up and down and up and down. It's very distracting and just eliminates a sense of flow: "When WILL our eyes MEET? When CAN I touch YOU?" Her desire to hit strong notes takes precedence over maintaining a recognizable melody. And then when she gets to the second run-through of the chorus, it's just totally over-the-top glory notes in the most unnecessary places. This is the downside of being melodramatic. The song is just an unrecognizable collection of wails to me at this point. But of course, she gets a huge ovation from Pavlov's Dawgs after ending with a big note.
Judges. Randy gives her props for being unbelievable and getting better every week. Barry loved it and agrees with Randy's comments. Paula agrees. Simon says that he's happy because Jennifer is helping create a "Battle of the Divas" with Jasmine and LaToya. Simon just really, really wants to see a catfight. I remember him trying to insist that the girls all hated each other in Season One. He should just go watch some Jell-O wrestling and get over it. He asks Jennifer how she thinks she's doing. She says that she thinks she's getting to be herself at this point in the competition. Now that she's straightened her hair and gotten an entirely new wardrobe. Apparently she found her real self trapped inside the imagination of the show's stylist. Ryan comes out and makes Barry say "a'ight" because he agreed with Randy. And he doesn't understand what the hell Ryan is talking about because Ryan is a moron, but finally relents and says "a'ight." Ryan gives Jennifer's numbers.
Commercials. This week, Tru will try to "stop a murder before it happens." Yes, that's much more effective than trying to stop a murder after the fact. Idiot promos.
When we return, Ryan introduces us to Guy Sebastian, the winner of Australian Idol, sitting in the audience, wearing a hideous macramé newsboy cap. Also in the audience are three of the mentally ill participants of The Swan. They all smile, not because they're happy, but because that's the only facial expression they have left now after all the plastic surgery. This one woman says she loved Jennifer's performance, and the only thing that moves on her whole face is her lower jaw. It just goes up and down when she talks. They just replaced her whole face with plastic, I think.
up is Jasmine Trias. She wears a yellow flower in her interview (mood: repetitive) and tells us it's great to work with Barry because "he is such a genius when it comes to, like, music and everything." Apparently, Barry asked her opinion about something in a song, and Jasmine was "stumped" for a response. Probably because her secret handlers at the Hawaiian Department of Tourism couldn't figure out a response to feed her that tied back to her lovely island paradise. Barry says Jasmine is awfully young, but she's got a great range. She says she was honored to work with Barry. She's wearing a hideous pink scarf in this interview. Ew.
Ryan tries to introduce Jasmine to the stage to sing "I'll Never Love This Way Again" with his hand on the back of Simon's chair, but Simon keeps flirting with him and tugging on his arm and yanking his thumb. See, all Ryan has to do is mention bathroom encounters with George and suddenly Simon's all interested in him again. Jasmine is onstage in a pink skirt with a ragged hemline, a white belly-baring shirt, and a black denim jacket. That just doesn't look right. All she needs is a lot of Aqua Net and she'd be one of the girls at my ninth-grade homecoming dance. She's wearing a…a…where's the flower? There's no flower! NO FLOWER, PEOPLE! See, I exposed their little secret, so they had to get rid of them. Actually, it's stuck in her jacket, now, so it's still there. But they can't feed her lines about Hawaii any longer. Oh, the singing? I knew I almost forgot about something. It's definitely a very solid, above-average performance from Jasmine. There aren't as many pitch problems. There's not as much warbling. She gets off some fairly good glory notes toward the end and does that trick where you slide up into the power note, but she'll never compete with Jennifer or LaToya in that area. She even manages to evince a little emotional connection. Her last note, however, is just bad, and holding it for five seconds doesn't make it sound any better.
Judges. Randy says he loves this song and thinks Jasmine did a great job with it and is "finally coming back." Barry says Jasmine could give Dionne Warwick competition with her rendition of the song. Snort. Okay, then. I don't even like Dionne, but I don't think so. Paula suggests that the finalists should all record a cover album of Barry's greatest hits. Yeah, I think you're a bit behind the curve there, Paula. I suspect it's already being considered. Simon says he's glad Jasmine got rid of the silly flower. She points out that it's on her jacket now. Simon then asks Barry what he's "done to the girls." He points out that he made them sing really well. Haven't the girls been singing really well? Hasn't that been the whole theme of this season? Girls who can sing versus boys who would totally be your best friend if only they knew you? Simon thinks Jasmine did a great job. Ryan comes out and gives Jasmine's number.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan pimps the web site, where advisers can tell you how to look and sound like the Idols. If you're interested in that sort of thing, please do me a favor and ban yourself. Thank you. up is LaToya London. I think all this time I was supposed to be spelling LaToya's name as two words: "La Toya." But it's too late and I'm not doing it. I have a rule that first names are required to be one word and not look as though you might be saying "the toy" in a Romance language. LaToya says working with Barry was very easy, and he didn't make her feel nervous at all. Well, it probably helps a bit when you can actually sing. I can only imagine the interactions Jon or Leah might have had with him. Barry tells us that when LaToya sang, she sang "The Truth." What, all of it? Does she know which religion is actually correct now? Is it Scientology? Wouldn't that be hysterical? LaToya says she sees why so many people love Barry, and she hopes she does his song proud.
Ryan introduces LaToya to the stage to sing "All the Time," which immediately causes "Party All the Time" to start playing in my head. Thanks so much. LaToya stands on the Seal in one of those sleeveless shirts that are all baggy in the front, in pale yellow, and jeans. LaToya has joined Jasmine and Diana in the realm of boring performances this week. It's just not an interesting song. It doesn't flow very well. The lyrics are so vague and bland that they just go in one ear and out the other. She belts nicely, but it's just incredibly boring. There's also a bit too much warbling.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan trips over his lines (instead of his dog) before telling us that the final singer tonight is Fantasia Barrino. Barry took "It's a Miracle" and recomposed it as an upbeat gospel number. I'm not sure if this is a shout-out or just Fantasia's self-awareness, but they show her practicing all the "yeah yeah"s. There were six in the one run she did. She tells us, while wearing gyroscopes as earrings, that Barry gave her some great advice.
Ryan introduces Fantasia to the stage, where she's wearing a tight brown top over a white shirt and tight jeans. If you like Fantasia: A fun, high-energy performance that gets the audience involved and clapping. It's not a particularly challenging song, but she has a lot of fun with it and shows off that "funky" side that Quentin Tarantino said he missed. She heads out into the audience and jams away in front of the judges table. The audience loves it.
If you don't like Fantasia: I'm sorry, is there a song to go along with this song? There's like one verse, and then "It's a miracle!" and "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!" repeated for about forty seconds. This "song" doesn't even really show off much of her musical skills. It's upbeat, but that's all there is -- a sense of "upbeatness." She orders the audience to "Come on!" which is obnoxious. It's not even all that exciting for a gospel number. It's faux-gospel, which seems somehow appropriate coming from Barry. And of course, she adds a bunch of unnecessary "yeah, yeah"s to the end. And they keep showing her little girl in Pimp Central, or wherever the heck she is instead of being out in the audience.
Judges. Randy says he "feels the spirit" of Fantasia tonight. He says it was like going to a church revival, and he thanks her for bringing up the energy after the dullness of John's performance. He doesn't actually mention John, but you know that's what he means. He does think the song could have bit more melody. Barry says Fantasia has given her own spin on the song, and suggests that she opens her own concerts with it. Ew. No. And I like Fantasia, but no. Paula says that this kind of singing is right up Fantasia's alley. Simon says that Fantasia is important to the show because she brings "excitement" and "danger" to the show, because she doesn't always take the safe route. He says this show could have been very, very sugary, but Fantasia showed off her personality. And she will be punished for all of this shortly. Anyway, Simon is glad she's in the competition. Ryan comes out onto the stage with Fantasia's little girl, whose name actually is Zion. I thought I had heard that before, but figured I must have misheard "Diane," because I thought the idea of naming her Zion was ridiculous. Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking there. Somebody named Fantasia naming her daughter Zion? That's impossible! Zion stares numbly at the crowd as Fantasia declares her to be a miracle. Ugh. Ryan hands her over to Fantasia because he's about as good as kids as a giraffe is with needlepoint, and gives us her numbers. Then we get our performance recap, and Ryan encourages us all to vote, so he and the judges can lecture us all about it on Wednesday. Yay! I can't wait!
Wednesday. Now we get no introduction? We are denied the Melodramatic Announcer? Totally unfair! Why, it's almost like they knew the show needed a little bit of extra time for some reason.
Ryan greets us on the stage in some bland suit. He reminds us that somebody gets voted out tonight. He introduces us to the judges. Simon is holding Paula's left hand; Randy is holding her right. It's almost like they're trying to gird their loins for what's about to happen. They totally know. That doesn't stop Simon from winking at Ryan. There's always time for flirting.
Ryan heads over to the Sofas of Relief and reintroduces the remaining finalists. In the clip recap, we're reminded that Barry was the guest judge and theme and the kids all sang his boring crap and stuff. The girls did well. George and John didn't, so much.
Ryan then introduces the kids and Barry back onstage to sing a song from Barry's new album called "Let Freedom Ring." If he was going to ride the coattails of socially enforced patriotism, shouldn't this song have come out about a year ago? The kids all file out onstage and start by singing "My Country 'Tis of Thee." There's choreography. Patriotic songs shouldn't have choreography. That's just tacky. It's saying that the song isn't good enough to just stand on its own. After they sing about a verse of the song, it switches over to Barry's tripe, and he wanders out onto the stage to sing. The song is dull and poorly written. "Let freedom ring / Let it celebrate sweet liberty that is keeping us free and strong." Freedom is keeping us free. What a dumb-ass song. It's a stupid, empty meaningless song, the musical equivalent of a Thomas Kinkade painting. It's supposed to make you feel warm without actually saying anything of consequence. And then there are the glow sticks, which I somehow missed the first time I watched it. I must have had my back turned for a moment. The audience is fucking waving glow sticks to a shitty song about America written by a bland hack. I suddenly feel like I'm recapping the opening ceremony at the 1984 Olympics. Oh, and some of us here are freer than others. I'm just saying. Don't go telling me how damned free I am. Go tell Mitt "Asshole" Romney. Heh. Barry lets Fantasia incorporate her "yeah, yeah"s into the song. If you don't like Fantasia: Make it stop! By all that's holy, make it stop!
Commercials. Ryan makes some comment about having more commercials than expected. I think he must have started blathering to the camera before the show actually came back. After promoting the web site and the kids' album full of soul classics, Ryan heads over to start the ejection process. Once again, they're going to mess with the kids' heads some more by separating them into groups, two this time. Fantasia got tons of praise and is in Group A. Diana got mostly praise and is in Group B. So now everybody, of course, thinks that Group B is the bottom group. Jennifer got tons of praise and is in Group A. Jasmine got tons of praise and is in Group B. John reminded Simon of Stan Laurel. John must have Googled the name, because he mimics Stan's head scratch. John is in Group B. LaToya got tons of praise and is in Group A. This leaves George, who is always good for mind-fucking. Remember how they left him hanging over whether or not they'd even let him sing back in the wild card round? Of course, if they're going to have a bottom three, then he has to be safe, but I don't think he's realized that. And they're going to make him wait until after their [product-placed car] commercial and other ads.
So they send the kids to Mars and leave them there. Yay! This season did have a happy ending. See you year!
Oh, fine. The kids all drive in their [product-placed SUV] around "Mars," which is just the California desert shot through a red filter. "Holiday Road" plays in the background. One of the Mars rovers is there. Somebody put eyebrows on it. The kids get out of the [product-placed SUV] wearing space helmets with holes in them. That kind of defeats the purpose, doesn't it? Yeah, like I should be analyzing the logic of this. They find what appears to be an alien skull. The Mars rover raises its eyebrows. I can't believe what I just wrote. Fantasia is wearing a blonde wig. They find an accordion. This, for unknown reasons, seems to make the Mars rover upset. It's supposed to find signs of water, not polka. The kids plant an American Idol flag on "Mars." Then the Mars rover steals their [product-placed SUV] and leaves them stranded. This sketch has been brought to you by What The Freaking Hell? Promotions.
Commercials. After that, Quizno's ads suddenly start making sense.
When we return, Ryan tells George that he's safe. Of course. But the mind-fucking isn't over yet. Ryan tells George to go join the top group. He gets up and looks a bit confused as he heads toward the stage. Then LaToya and Jennifer wave him over to join them. My, my, my. Representatives from Hubris Records start writing up some new contracts. George heads over to them and is congratulated by the three "divas." Then Ryan comes over and says, "George, I told you to join the top group. You're in the wrong group." It turns out Jasmine, Diana, and John are safe. Pavlov's Dawgs clutch their pearls en masse. Everybody looks pretty shocked, except for Fantasia, who thinks the whole thing is hysterical, even though she's in the bottom three. John looks like he's about to puke. Ryan sends the four of them back to the Sofas of Relief. Fantasia and LaToya applaud for them. Jennifer does not. Project onto that whatever you like. Ryan suggests that the country is shocked by the results. Which somehow it turns out that America is, even though America is somehow responsible for the results. You know, this is almost as good as a civics class. We're showing America's youth the real-world results of voter apathy.
Ryan asks for the judges' responses. Randy says he can't believe who ended up in the bottom three. He lectures that this isn't a popularity contest. It's the greatest talent show in history. Yes, that's why people are only allowed to vote once, and rather than actually just picking a winner, they grade each contestant in a number of areas, and then the scores are tabulated. Oh, wait. You tell people to call in to vote as often as they want for people that they like. It's a popularity contest, you idiot. It rewards complete and utter devotion. Give it up. He says he wants to be "proud as an American" of the winner. Like the rest of the world is going to give a shit. Have you seen what they think of the (mostly) elected leader of our nation? They've got bigger fish to fry. Ryan tells Paula to sum up her response to this "in a word." And that word is "Idon'tknowhowtosumthisupRyanIreallydon'tIthoughtallthreedidanexcellentjobandit'sobviousallthreeofthemcansing." She goes on blathering about Jon's old votes going to John and repeating that it's not a popularity contest. Because, you know, "pop" music just means that it's fun and fizzy, like a soda, and not short for "popular." Shut it, Paula. If music careers weren't in part due to the unpredictable winds of popularity, you sure as hell wouldn't be sitting there at the judges' table. Simon says that his tongue is on the floor (though he means jaw, of course), but he adds that he doesn't want to take anything away from Jasmine and Diana, because they did very well. I think that ended up being part of the problem. I looked back through my recap and saw that I wasn't all that happy with the performances by Jennifer, LaToya, and Fantasia. And I thought Jasmine and Diana had performed better than they usually do. So it's kind of like in Season One how Nikki had a very good night and Tamyra had a rare bad night and out she went. Simon says that the votes point out that every finalist left needs the support of a lot of people in order to stay in the competition.
Time to reveal that somebody's safe. It's LaToya, who blows a kiss at the crowd and heads back to the Sofas of Relief. Fantasia and Jennifer clap, but none of them touch her and she doesn't give either of them goodbye hugs. Ooh. I think LaToya's the one that the other two hate. Interesting, given that she generally seems the warmest of the three onstage. Fantasia and Jennifer hang out onstage and seem to be getting along just fine. Ryan tells us that this is the tightest margin of votes they've had for an elimination vote. He editorializes that many of us probably thought they would be the top two (I didn't), and reminds us that one of them will be leaving, and one of them will just barely survive to the round.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan reveals that the person voted out had gotten the highest number of votes in a show. Well, both of them probably had the highest number of votes in one of the shows. But this time, Jennifer didn't get enough votes to go on. She's out. Eh, America may piss and moan, but I predicted this would happen way back when Amy was booted. Although I actually predicted that Jennifer would go before Camile and Jon. Well, she made it further than I expected her to. Fantasia clings to Jennifer and practically knocks her over. Heh. Jennifer's all, "Damn, I thought I was the drama queen." Fantasia declares to us that Jennifer is her American Idol. Yes, and I'm sure that means Fantasia's going to hand over the record contract to her if she wins. George and Diana are crying over at the sofas. In her You're Not Dead, But America Is Acting As Though You've Been Brutally Murdered montage, Jennifer reminds us how excited she was that she got another chance thanks to the wild card round. She recognizes her own sense of melodrama by telling us she's an emotional person, and there's nothing she can do about it. She says she's proud of all the hard work she's done.
Back onstage, Ryan thanks her and lectures America some more about letting "talent" slip though the cracks. Eh, whatever. This is the third time America let her slip through the cracks. I think America will live. Ryan gives Jennifer the chance to sing out, but since Randy and Paula had to give their big lectures, she gets cut off after two lines. Thanks, you two. You have a lot of respect for talent, all right.