By Shack
Tuesday. No unnecessary nonsense. Well, no unnecessary nonsense before the credits. Ryan "Same Script, Different Cast" Seacrest heads out on the Seal in a bland suit to greet the hooting crowd. He says that the show is at a "fever pitch" because the finale is week. He says there was "outrage" last week when LaToya was ejected. Because that was the worst thing that happened in the whole wide world last week. Pavlov's Dawgs boo. Ryan uses the opportunity to encourage more people to vote so that the show is even more successful. Then he introduces the judges, Simon "Where Do Broken Hearts Go" Cowell, Paula "So Emotional" Abdul, and Randy "Why Does It Hurt So Bad" Jackson. Ryan calls Simon fat. Simon calls Ryan old.
Because it's sweeps and all, it's time to pull out all the stops. As the final guest judge, American Idol convinced one of the music industry's dark overlords to sit on the panel. No, not Tsathoggua. He's summering in Thailand. It's Our Dread Lord Clive Davis. Ryan explains that Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis owns the souls of many of our most favorite pop singers, like Whitney Houston, Carlos Santana, and Bruce Springsteen. He has his own shrine lurking somewhere in the Music Hall of Fame, where aspiring performers slaughter a calf at midnight on the thirteenth day of each month in the hope that they will someday join him there. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis lurches out, his breath reeking of kitten heads, and gives Ryan a pat on the back to make sure he's still got his puppet hole. In a clip show, Ryan narrates how Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis came into existence not long after the first Australopithecus painted a picture on his cave wall that showed him being worshipped by everybody else in his tribe. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis signed him to a three-album deal in exchange for four tons of giant mastodon meat. The contract was cancelled after the first album failed to rank in the urban market. Barry Manilow, Aretha Franklin, Rod Stewart, and Alicia Keyes (whose "Fallin'" is being used as the background song here) all have signed their souls over to Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis, as have American Idol's Kelly Clarkson, Ruben Studdard, and Clay Aiken. Although in Clay's case, Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis is only getting a percentage of his soul -- Tsathoggua retains a controlling interest.
Back at the stage, Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis sits between Simon and Paula. Ryan asks Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis why he got involved in American Idol. "Graaaaaahhhhhhh!" Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis explains. "Bruggggh! Hroaaaaarrrrrr." His translator tells us that Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis is telling us all how successful he is, before explaining that pop has been kind of blah for the past ten years, until American Idol came along. Whuh? Pop had its second coming over the past ten years. This show came along right as it started to go back into another decline. Eh, whatever. He's signed on with the show, so he'll say anything to make it seem important. Must find new souls to feed upon. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis flutters his eyes a little bit, and somewhere J.C. Chasez engages in ritual self-mutilation.
The three remaining finalists are all hanging out in Pimp Central so that Ryan can quickly dispose of the stupid [product-placed cola] non-terviews before the singing starts. So, Jasmine, you've decided not to kill yourself out of shame for outlasting LaToya? Nope. She says the top three is all about "having fun." I can't even see Simon, but I can hear his eyes rolling at that response. Ryan makes Fantasia explain how the songs are going to work tonight, because he's so tired from having three jobs, he needs a moment to inject amphetamines directly into his bloodstream. Fantasia says they'll be singing three songs: the women get to select a song of their liking first; the regular judges will each select a song for them in the second round; and Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis will select the final song for each of them. Diana, how did they decide who was going to sing in what order? They played Rock, Paper, Scissors. No, really. That wasn't one of my weird little jokes.
So the first round is the girls' own choices. First up is Jasmine Trias with "Saving All My Love for You." Oh, that song from the perspective of a woman having a rather pathetic affair with a married man? Yes, I'm sure the little teen dress-up doll can really sell this one (mood: eye-roll). She heads out onstage in a hideous blue sleeveless top that looks like it's held together around her neck with plastic leaves (also blue). She's also wearing a black miniskirt so tiny that religious fundamentalists gather together somewhere in Nebraska and stone their televisions. She warbles her way through the song obliviously, wearing a fake smile the whole time. The song's about love, right? It must be happy! Her vocals are typically bland to bad. Her last held note sounds as though she's trying to warn me that the emergency broadcast system is about to send viewers a warning ("The National Weather Service has detected a hail of very sharp notes descending upon the Los Angeles area. Please remain indoors and stay tuned for more information").
Judges. Randy says her rendition paled in comparison in Whitney, and many of her held notes were too sharp. Paula says you need to sing a song like this as good as Whitney or ever better. She thinks Jasmine is almost there, but not quite. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Gurrrgh! Maaaaargh! K'naaaaaaah!" (Translation: "Nobody sings as well as Whitney, but you did pretty good. Yeah, you were a little sharp at times.") Simon says, "It was rather like dinner with Paula Abdul: Sweet, but forgettable." Pavlov's Dawgs give the "Ooh! Burn!" gasp of surprise. He says the performance had no "wow" factor. Ryan rushes onto the stage to give us Jasmine's numbers, lest she burst into tears again.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Fantasia Barrino, who has decided to school Diana by taking on "Chain of Fools." Remember when Diana sang that way back in the auditions with her stupid pageant smile? Fantasia's wearing a short, tight-fitting black dress that appears to be decorated with luggage straps. She orders Pavlov's Dawgs onto their feet. She sings well, but there are large chunks of song where the back-up singers carry it for her. It wouldn't bug me so much if she wasn't going to sing a song in the round that also relies a lot on the back-up singers. There's a lot of "Woooo!"s and, of course, "Yeah, yeah, yeah"s. She's got a good voice, though, and works the stage well. And, unlike Diana, Fantasia definitely knows what this song is about.
Judges. Randy declares that Fantasia is a winner. Paula says that the competition is about being unique (until it's time to give them crap-ass pop leftovers to sing afterward) and connecting with the audience and painting with all the colors of the wind blah blah blah incoherent-cakes. She liked Fantasia. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Buuuurrrghaaaaaa! Grak grak grak! Hruuuungh!" (Translation: "You took on the queen of soul and made it your own.") Simon says Fantasia demonstrated the difference between copying somebody badly and performing a song with an original spin. Ryan heads out to give us Fantasia's numbers.
up is Diana Degarmo, singing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." Man, could these women have shown any less creativity with their personal song choices? Diana is wearing a black camisole that has a lace window at the top, allowing the world to see the top of her boobs. She's sixteen years old. After I finish this recap, I'm going to the police station to turn myself in. Apparently, during her spare time, she took the red Charo dress from Gloria Estefan night and turned it into a pair of pants. It's not pretty. Diana is pretty much shouting this song. She's back to confusing power with personality. I wonder if it actually hurt your ears to hear this performance live? I mean with the volume, not the tone. Jasmine's singing would make your ears hurt with the tone. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe she's trying to deafen the audience before Jasmine opens the round of songs. Anyway, in conclusion, Diana's performance is all volume and no substance.
Judges. Randy thinks it wasn't Diana's performance wasn't her best. He thinks the song is a little "bigger" than her. Paula thinks Diana did well with her performance and had fun. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Prgah! Fruuuuuuuuuch! G'ka maaah druuuuuuchack!" (Translation: "Your performance was fun and infectious, but it was essentially cabaret.") Simon agrees with Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis. Well, everybody agrees with Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis because the alternative is too horrible to consider. Simon tells Diana not to worry so much about the audience, because as a result, she shouted the song instead of singing it. Ryan comes out and gives Diana's numbers.
Whoa! They're giving Professor Donutface the lead on a new FOX show that looks like they're trying to recreate The O.C. in Hawaii. You, Professor Donutface, are no Benjamin McKenzie.
When we return, Ryan and the zoooooming captions remind us of the tour ("Gotta run so I can list all the exceptions in a zero-percent financing ad for a dealership in Oregon!") before starting the round. It's the judges' turns! Paula's up first. What did she select for Jasmine? Man, Paula is wearing a scary amount of make-up. She selected the Natalie Cole song "Mr. Melody" for Jasmine, because it's upbeat and because Jasmine said she likes Natalie Cole. Natalie Cole's all, "Dammit, why couldn't she like Bette Midler instead and leave my music alone?"
Jasmine heads onto the stage singing, off-pitch, to this rather bland up-tempo song. Gee, I'm not surprised at all that Paula would pick something like this. Jasmine's screensaver background appears to be a parade of throat lozenges. I wonder if there's some sort of hidden message there. Oh, this is a good song choice for Jasmine, in the sense that the song isn't about anything it all. It's a song about how she loves "Mr. Melody" because without it, there wouldn't be anything to sing. Oh, wait. It's a metaphor for a boyfriend or something. Whatever. The song sounds like it should be played in ten-second snippets before the commercial breaks at the Emmy Awards. Aieeeeeee! Jasmine just did some scat singing! That's just wrong. Somebody should have prevented that from happening. I'm suing for emotional distress.
Judges. Randy says this was a better song choice for Jasmine, and she sounded good singing it. Paula says she likes it when Jasmine "lets go" and doesn't "feel contained." Let go of what? Contained by what? The too-too tight confines of proper pitch? The restrictive boundaries of appropriate song attitude? What? Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Jurgh hroo gragha! P'muuuuuck!" (Translation: "I didn't find the jazz riffs to be believable and it was not your best performance.") Randy tries to argue that Jasmine at least sang better this time, and Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis blasts him into dust with a beam of black light from his third eye. Simon says that this was one of her "So what?" performances and she just hasn't connected with the songs tonight. Ryan comes out and gives Jasmine's numbers.
up is Simon's choice for Fantasia. He has selected "Fool in Love" for her, because he sees her as a "throwback" to an earlier era and wanted a song that highlighted her personality. None of the parts of that explanation have any connection to any of the other parts. What does her personality have to do with her being a "throwback" to an earlier musical era? Is it because she has a personality? Is that it? Well, I suppose that is a sort of explanation. He says that the combination of that song and Fantasia will be "magic." And, of course, he also thinks it will be great because he was the one who chose it.
So Fantasia heads out to the stage again for yet another song that she only actually sings half of. And also has "fool" in the title. I like this song better than "Chain of Fools." It just has more, I don't know, verve. Tamyra sang this during the first season, which puts me in the awkward position of trying to decide who sang it better. I think Fantasia gives a better overall performance, because she knows how to work the crowd during the parts where the back-up singers are carrying the song. She gets herself out in the crowd itself, as usual. She dances by the judges' table, facing the audience and all but smashing her ass into the judges' faces. Too bad she's not Matt Rogers or Jon Peter Lewis or something. That would be hysterical. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis is creepily fascinated by Fantasia's ass. He licks his lips and puts his hands out in front of them as though he's expecting her to sit on them. Oh, don't be so impatient, Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis. Wait for her to sign the contract. She ends the performance back on stage and belts out some good final notes.
Judges. Randy says he doesn't know what to say, so he tosses out names like Mary J. Blige and Aretha. Mary J. Blige? That doesn't even make any sense. When did she ever sound or act anything like Blige? Never, that's when. Paula says she doesn't think Fantasia even needs this competition anymore. Oh, don't go saying that. Look what happened when LaToya said they were all going to be famous. Paula says that Fantasia is one of those "triple threats" who will also be on movies and television. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Want asssssssssssss!" (Translation: "If I saw you in a basement in Kansas, I would sign you right away." This is apparently a reference to the blues days of yore, where talented blues singers could be found in basement speakeasies. It's a reminder that Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis is as old as time and about as powerful.) Simon jokes that he's going to be "tactical" because he wants to get Fantasia some sympathy votes. He says that this was the worst performance he's ever heard in his life. Everybody laughs. He says that everyone will feel sorry for her now. Well, I'm sure we'll all feel sorry for her for real when we hear her first single. Ryan comes out and gives us Fantasia's numbers again.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Randy to reveal his choice for Diana. He selected "Because You Love Me," written by his "great friend" Diane Warren and sung by Celine Dion and bleah. If you're not embarrassed to refer to Diane Warren as a "great friend," then this is exactly the right show to be working on. Anyway, he thinks this horrid pile of pop music dog turds would be a good choice to challenge Diana's vocals, because she hardly ever belts out songs or anything. God, I've really grown to hate Randy.
Diana's sitting on a drinking fountain stool to perform, and really, this song is no challenge for her at all. It's not even much of a belting song. She starts the song a little bit off-pitch, but she corrects and then bleaaaaahs her way through the rest of the slog. I mean, "song." No, I mean "slog." Does anybody even like this song? It's so dull that Diana resorts to just wailing out notes through one of the choruses. Waaaaaaaah! Woooooooo! Because you belieeeeeeeeve! Horrible song. It didn't do Diana any favors. If you love her so much, Randy, how could you treat her so?
Judges. Randy thinks it was just "all right." He didn't think it was spectacular. No, because you gave her a shitty song, asswipe. Paula says Diana has great "pipes" and everybody knows it. However, she had the chance to "color" up the song, and she didn't. So that pointless wailing is in the original as well? I don't recall that. Of course, I don't think I've actually paid attention to the song, ever, so that might have something to do with it. Because the song sucks. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Whoargh! Braaaaaaagh! Jarrrkh hawa!" (Translation: "It was a good choice, and not only did she hit the notes, she gave it a good ending.") Simon gives it a seven out of ten. On the Richter scale, I think. Ryan comes out and gives Diana's numbers.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan introduces us to Ryan Malcolm, the Canadian Idol winner in the audience. He has a fauxhawk now and looks like the guy at the coffee house who snottily acts like he knows more than you about politics, but doesn't. Canada continues to insist that it's separate from America by having its own Idol competition yet again.
So now it's time for Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis to use his dark powers to make the three finalists dance for him. Dance, little puppets! First up is Jasmine. He has selected Eric Carmen's "All by Myself" for her, because he and everybody else involved with the show knows she can't possibly pull it off. Sure enough, she has to start the song way too low, because she can't possibly jump as far up in her range as some other singers. So the verses are kind of warbly and off, because the notes are too low for her. There's too much melisma throughout the choruses. She gets a couple of good held notes in, but otherwise the whole performance is just bad. I think she kind of knows it, too. She'd damn Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis for sabotaging her if she weren't so blankly nice. And also, he's already damned to walk the earth until the end of time, helping produce mediocre pop music.
Judges. Randy thought she did well with the higher notes, but that she sounded awful on her lower register. Also, he didn't feel like she had any emotional connection to the song. Well, with her entire home state voting like crazy for her, it's probably hard to feel that sense of abandonment. Paula thinks Jasmine did much better with the song this time. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Hrawwwwk! Grungh! Mekalekalekalek!" (Translation: "This song is about loneliness, and being dependent on such an overblown ending, it came off as strident, compared to sharing the loneliness of not wanting to be by yourself anymore.") Pavlov's Dawgs don't boo, because an audience booed Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis once in Orlando before, and, well, now you know why so many awful performers come from there. Simon says that Jasmine is a lovely girl, but she's still here because she's young and sweet and has a lot of community support. Meaning, she's not here because people think she sings well. He says her participation in the contest "has to" end tonight. Ryan comes out and gives Jasmine's numbers again.
up is Fantasia again. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis's primal growls are translated to explain that he has chosen "The Greatest Love of All" for Fantasia because he first saw Whitney Houston first performing this in her act and he loved it and he loves Fantasia, so therefore they'll go together perfectly. I like chocolate. I like pickles. So clearly I'd like pickles dipped in chocolate. Makes perfect sense. Fantasia stands over on the stage's left wing and sings. She does well, but I don't think that this is a good ballad for her. When there are too many held notes, it starts emphasizing the nasal tone of her voice. A couple of held notes in the right spots are okay. But in every single line? It gets exhausting. They did show some restraint this time and not show Zion in the audience every other line. They've shown her a few times, but this song just begs for baby pimping, and thank Roman they resisted it. She manages to sneak in some "yeah yeah"s at the end. One of Fantasia's relatives in the audience looks like P. Diddy in a disguise to make him look like he's not P. Diddy.
Judges. Randy says that it was a great song and he loves her and props, props, lots of props! Starter guns. Fake telephones. Plastic food. All the props Fantasia can handle. Paula said Fantasia had an amazing night, and she feels honored to be here. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Wow." That one doesn't need to be translated. Simon asks Fantasia what it says behind her. "Alan Idol"? Oh, sorry. Just remembering some of the wacky stupidity of the early part of the season. It says "American Idol." Meaning Simon thinks Fantasia is destined to win. Fantasia tries to hold back tears because children are the future and that's such a deep thing to sing about. Ryan comes out to read her numbers.
Commercials. When we return, Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis makes it a hat trick of overwrought melodramatic ballads by giving Diana "Don't Cry Out Loud" to sing. Once again, Diana shows that she is slowly getting a handle on the fact that sometimes songs aren't supposed to be delivered with a big wide grin on her face. Like Jasmine, she's a little rough on the verses, but she sounds much better on the wailing part. Of course. She handles the key change perfectly, and really pushes herself toward the end. She definitely has improved as a performer over the course of this whole contest.
Judges. Randy says it was the perfect song for her and she did great. Paula says it was flawless. Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis says, "Pagroooh! Harrrrrgh! Grohrrr!" (Translation: "Diana, you showed why you're still in the competition, and you nailed it, and you did that song proud.") Simon tells Diana that she should write a "thank you" letter to Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis for helping her make it to the finals. Be sure to sign it in blood! Ryan heads out to give us Diana's numbers. After a clip show recap, Ryan reminds us that he's out.
Wednesday. Another stupid wasted hour. Well, I had to work late this night, so I was actually able to watch the final episode of Angel at the office (not that I understood much of it), while TiVo recorded this for me at home.
Melodramatic Announcer tells us it's the "moment of truth" for our three finalists. Incidentally, I'm loath to pull back the veil about Melodramatic Announcer's identity, but apparently he has a small role in The Day After Tomorrow. Somehow that seems appropriate. I'll have to see it to find out whether he's more or less melodramatic than the rest of the movie.
Credits. Ryan greets us from the Seal in a boring suit. Dammit. It was so much better when he was desperate and poor and would wear anything for some attention. He orders everybody to wave their signs. Two twelve-year-old girls are waving a sign begging Ryan to kiss them. Oh, you just have to love the obliviousness. Ryan blathers on because there's so much time to waste. He tells us "global sex-bomb Guy Sebastian" from Australian Idol will be performing. I'm assuming that description is post-explosion. And Tamyra Gray will be performing two songs. Ryan then reminds us who the judges and final three are.
Clip recap! Our Dread Lord Mr. Davis put in a personal appearance, like how Satan occasionally stops by to watch sinners being tortured. Sometimes the personal touch matters. Jasmine sang like she had never sung before. In the literal sense. The judges lavished heaping praise upon Fantasia. Diana fell somewhere in the middle. But what did America do? And more importantly, did tidal waves strike Hawaii at some point Tuesday night? Not enough to hurt anybody or anything. Just enough to occupy them so they didn't vote.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan reminds us that somebody is getting ejected. He asks Jasmine if she thinks she's done enough to stay in the competition. How is that even a question? He might as well ask, "Are you at all sorry for still being here, considering you can't really sing that well?" Jasmine says she's done her best, so of course she thinks she's done enough. What about Fantasia? Has she done enough? She thinks she's worked hard and stuff. She appears to be dressed like a baby shower present -- a blue patterned top accessorized with pink ribbons. I guess the mother decided not to find out the baby's sex in advance. Diana also thinks she's done a lot. Stupid question. Stupid Ryan.
Did you know who sang the song they used in the backgrounds of the clip shows during the audition rounds? It was Tamyra Gray! Let's bring her out to sing it again. And just for the sake of consistency, we'll toss up another audition clip show! Tamyra heads out onstage wearing a spangled towel as a shirt, and jeans. The song is called, and you'll be shocked when you hear this, "Star." And Tamyra wrote it! It's a song about trying to succeed despite adversity! We watch clips of wannabes we never saw before and will never see again singing and crying and dancing and jumping and annoying. There's Ryan, capering around as he does. The final twelve all arrive at the studio and sing and cry and dance and jump and annoy. Jennifer Hudson wears an ugly dress. Jon Peter Lewis humps the floor. Tamyra sings about trying to succeed despite adversity. John Stevens horrifies us anew with his shirtlessness. Everybody celebrates. Not about John's shirtlessness. You know what I mean.
Commercials. When we return, buytourticketsbuytourticketsbuytourtickets! Ryan introduces us to Guy Sebastian, familiar to those of you who watched World Idol. Oh, and those of you actually in Australia. Hi there, crazy upside-down people! We get a clip show of crazy-haired Guy, who manages to combine uncontrollable melisma with an extremely nasal tone in a combination many Australians found inexplicably irresistible. What is the attraction? Is this what hot guys look and sound like in Australia? A congested troll doll? I think perhaps I give too much weight to the pictures I see from their Mardi Gras parade. Of course, we American's can't exactly brag about our AI heartthrobs after last year's results. Guy's first album sold more in Australia in one week than any album in the nation's history. Twelve! Just kidding. It's gone platinum five times there.
Ryan introduces Guy to the stage. He's wearing a shiny black sport coat with a white shirt and jeans. How are things? Great! Crazy! Life's so different! Any advice for the final three here? Take it all in and don't forget it, because someday you'll be sitting drunk in some bar and you'll want to tell everybody about your fifteen minutes of fame. Guy is going to sing his first single for us, called "Angels Brought Me Here." Hee hee hee hee! Man, is that not the worst title for a pop song ever? It certainly makes "A Moment Like This" seem cutesy and quaint in comparison. How silly and stupid. Do angels bring him everywhere? He sings, and it's the same damned song that Kelly and Ruben and Clay and Tamyra and everybody else has sung. It was a journey! It was magical! I'm famous and you're not! But I love you, because without you I wouldn't be famous! I watch this damned show all season. Do I have to listen to the winner sing about it for six months afterward? His singing is awful and nasal. I try to imagine a duet between him and Will Young and have a brief seizure. After he's done, he tosses some stereotypical Australian comments to his fans back there, and then angels bring him back to the hotel.
Speaking of islands full of people with suspicious taste in music, let's go on a trip back to Hawaii with Jasmine! We're going back to each of the contestants hometowns, though the only thing that seems to differ on each trip is the scenery. A million news crews greet Jasmine at the airport while the tooliest radio DJs I've ever heard talk about her on the radio. Seriously, these guys sound like the parody that Jimmy Fallon does on Saturday Night Live. She gets a lot of leis. She gets to meet the lieutenant governor. Snerk. Only the lieutenant? Maybe Governor Linda Lingle voted for LaToya. He proclaims a day in Jasmine's honor. She tells us it's an honor. She signs autographs and pretends to be surprised at all the support. Is she being disingenuous, or is she just that stupid? Or just out of the loop? No, she's been informed outright that the support from fellow Hawaiians kept her in the contest. People scream at her at her high school. She shows up at the set for Local Morning News Show Clone #423, where they talk about Jasmine coming back to Hawaii, which is what we're actually watching, so thanks for that illuminating second. Oh, good god. The Tooly DJ at one of the radio stations really, really does sound like Jimmy Fallon's impersonation. That's so sad. She goes to a torch-lighting ceremony to remind us that she's Hawaiian and stuff. There are hunky shirtless hula dancers. Thousands of people showed up. She has the flower back in her hair, a white one (mood: so very over). She calls it the "most incredible, amazing, whatever experience in [her] whole entire life." Could you imagine the songs Jasmine might write? "I love you and whatever. / You really, like, know how to make me feel, you know, good inside. / Let's dance a hula."
Back on the stage, Ryan reminds her that all the judges said she sucked. Jeez, Ryan, do you have to be such a downer?
Commercials. When we return, Ryan is seated with Tamyra, who is now wearing a sleeveless, strapless dress in various shades of purple, pink, and gold. Since Tamyra hasn't sold a jillion albums like Clay, she has to sit on the drinking fountain stools. Ryan tells us that Tamyra has some "special" news about the finale. It turns out that she "co-wrote" the single the winner will be handed as this season's musical albatross. There's no explanation of what "co-wrote" means, so for all we know she stuck a comma in somewhere. On the other hand, she seems to have written the songs on her upcoming album, and people are letting her do that, so who knows? The song is called "I Believe." It's a song about trying to succeed despite adversity! She misuses the word "surreal" and suggests that being part of American Idol is a "fairy tale." Maybe pixies brought Guy here, not angels? Tamyra's album also comes out on Tuesday, the night of the finale performances, which I'm sure is just a coincidence. Tamyra then sings "Raindrops Will Fall." It's a song about trying to succeed despite adversity! She already sang this song on the show before, and I'm not recapping it again. When she's done, angels bring her a cheeseburger, because girl needs to eat.
Let's go back home with Fantasia! She went back home to High Point, North Carolina. Oh, so that giant dresser we saw way back when they first profiled the finalists was a "statue" showing that High Point is the furniture capital of the world. Until all their jobs are outsourced, of course. She talks to more toolish DJs. One of them wonders out loud how many years Fantasia has left. What a bizarre question to ask. She's just getting started. That's the kind of thing you'd ask about Madonna (and I fear that the answer for her is "too many"). Fantasia meets with another local news show with a host and set that looks almost exactly like the one we just saw in Hawaii. She makes them all do the "bobo." Sigh. It's not even a real dance move. It's fidgeting. She made a dance out of fidgeting. She heads back to her old elementary school, and the kids all scream. She visits a furniture plant. They give her a fahhncy recliner chair thingy. I don't know what they're called. Sorry. This is why I need Thom Felicia around the house. She gets a parade. She gets a key to the city and a proclamation. People scream. She goes to her church for a Southern potluck dinner and I'm suddenly so very, very hungry. Everybody screams at her some more.
Back on the stage, Ryan asks her if she got any chitlins, which is a reference to her horrible interview with him on Monday that I haven't recapped yet. She says she didn't get chitlins, but she got pig's feet. Ryan responds with confusion and horror at the idea of pig's feet. Just tell him they're low in carbs, Fantasia, and they'll start serving them all over Los Angeles. Ryan reminds Fantasia that all the judges love her.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Diana's visit back to Snellville. Strangely, we don't really see many screaming crowds for her at first. Instead, she wears the outfit she has for meetings with other Mary Kay saleswomen, and does the weather for a local station. Somehow I find it cute rather than sick-making. I think a season of all the screeching has worn down my defenses. She heads home to see her dogs and her…bed. Diana seems so isolated in this segment. I'm beginning to feel sorry for her. When she heads out to visit the mayor of Snellville, the street by her house is totally barren. Finally we see a small crowd of folks gathered at the mayor's office to cheer for her. The mayor names Diana honorary mayor for the day. She laughs her high-pitched shriek. Then she negotiates the latest pay increase for the city's maintenance crew, approves $200,000 for a new bus, and votes against an increase in the local hotel tax. Honorary, shmonorary. She signs autographs at Wal-Mart. Ah, there's some people, finally. Then it looks like they made her change a light bulb there. I don't know, she's up on a ladder in the middle of the store. Did they make her honorary manager? She heads over to school, where there's a pep rally. The kids all cheer, but they're not very energetic. I just get this sad feeling that Diana isn't actually all that popular or well-known at home, and I have a feeling (Mom!) that (Mom!) there's (Mom!) some (Mom!) particular (Mom!) reason. She gets a school jacket (she didn't already have one?) and cheerleaders spell out Diana's name. People wear pink, but they don't really seem to be into it. I'm just saying. It wasn't like Fantasia's and Jasmine's visits.
Back at the stage, Ryan reads Diana's mixed reviews from Tuesday night. Then it's time for this week's [product-placed car] commercial. The girls all sing "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell (really!) as they all pretend to be shocked and confused that there are film crews recording every moment of their lives. Diana is bothered in the bathroom and while driving her [product-placed car]. Jasmine is stalked by a crew in a [product-placed car] while jogging. Fantasia is harassed in the shower. There's no [product-placed car] in that one, though it was funny seeing her wipe her face on a boom mike. In the end, the girls go to bed while crew members sit around to them, pretending to record them sleep. Ah, you're not a proper fame whore until you're whining about the pitfalls of being famous as if you don't secretly yearn for every moment of your life to be recorded. Well done, ladies.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan and the three finalists are standing up on the Seal, and I hope he's going to announce who is leaving really soon, because I'm getting very tired. Gah. Judges' comments. They already made their comments. Shut it! Randy hopes the "right two" make it to the finals. He doesn't say who they are, but we all know that that the one whose name is from a Disney movie with a singing Robin Williams genie is not the one he wants. He wants the one with the name from the Disney movie with the army of broomsticks. Does Paula have any advice for the one who gets the boot? Does Paula ever have good advice about anything? She tells whoever gets booted whose name is from the Disney movie with the monkey that got turned into an elephant to keep chasing her dreams. Simon mocks her, and she and Randy call him rude. Ryan makes some stupid joke about Simon borrowing the littlest groom's shirt. That show was months ago. Nobody even remembers it. Idiot. Simon congratulates the three women, claiming that last night was one of the best shows he had ever seen.
At last, they announce that Jasmine is finally, predictably getting the boot, following the path of Nikki McKibbin, whose devoted fans kept her on the show just a leeeeeetle bit too long. Fantasia and Diana will fight for the title of the American Idol. The three girls all hug. Before they give Jasmine's You're Not Dead But We're Glad To See You Finally Leave Montage, Ryan asks her to help him flip a coin to determine who will get to sing first for the final performances. Wow, what a freaking honor. She obliges, and it comes up in Fantasia's favor. Fantasia decides to sing second. Then they all push each other and Diana shrieks like a dolphin again, and then they're all hugging. Simon must be very disappointed that they actually do like each other. In Jasmine's clip show, she hulas for the judges and shakes her ass just a leeeetle bit too much for somebody who is not quite legal. She compares her experience on the show to surfing, of course, because she's from Hawaii. She learned about friendship and her singing abilities. Though she really, really needs to learn a lot more about her singing abilities. She also learned about expressing yourself in your singing, and ditto the end of the sentence. She says it was tough to see all her friends get voted off. Especially since most of them sang better than she did. She ends her surfing metaphor stupidly and says she's where she wants to be. And as long as the place she wants to be is not singing anywhere near me, I'm fine with that.
Back on the stage, Jasmine thanks all her fans for believing in her and making her dreams come true -- except for the part where millions of people started hating her irrationally. She says she's glad she got to share the "aloha spirit" with America. America agrees with the whole "aloha" part. She closes out the show with a performance of "Inseparable." Fantasia and Diana are crying off to the side.
And so we have our final two. And week I might actually, for once, attend the finale. Maybe. If you see some badly dressed fat guy rolling his eyes, and it's not Simon or Randy, that's me.