Tuesday. Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically reminds us that Nikki was ejected last week. It turns out that she was actually the lucky one. Tonight, Kelly and Justin will battle it out at the [Product-Placed Camera] Theatre for final ownership of the (Eeeeeee!).
Credits. The audience of the [Product-Placed Camera] Theatre is absolutely packed. There's Harry Connick Jr. Go show Justin how it's done, Harry. There's Tori Spelling sitting right behind him. It's not like she has anything else going on. There are other people who I am assuming are famous, but I don't know who they are.
Ryan "What Are You Doing With A Fool Like Me" Seacrest and Brian "How Can I Live" Dunkleman head out onto the stage, wearing ill-fitting pinstriped suits. The Octagon of Judgment is gone. That's kind of funny because, apparently, last week's show actually took place in this theater as well, and they built up the stage, including the Octagon, to make it look just like the old stage. But The Octagon just isn't good enough for a show of this scope. Poor little Octagon. Incidentally, the theater is incredibly overlit for the sole purpose of showing us viewers at home how many thousands of people are there. I hope they dim it down a bit for the performers. You could perform surgery on stage with all the lights. Black and Decker introduce themselves, with Dunkleman making a stupid joke that his name is German for "and we're live!" And then after he says that stupid joke, he reminds the audience that it's their cue to cheer and gives them a look. Did you watch the Oscars in 1999? Director Elia Kazan was given an honorary Oscar for lifetime achievement, and some considered it controversial because Kazan had helped the House Un-American Activities Committee root out Communists in Hollywood back in the '50s. Robert DeNiro was one of the presenters handing Kazan the Oscar, and after he called Kazan up to the podium, he gave the audience a look that suggested that he was memorizing the faces of anybody not applauding the man and would be giving said folks a good "talking to" following the ceremony. That's the look that Dunkleman gives the audience. It's like he came out just before the show started with a big jar full of mosquitoes infected with the West Nile Virus, and told the audience members that they're going to give him some love tonight or else. That look was a reminder about the mosquitoes. Later during the show, a gaggle of girls shout, "We love you, Dunkleman!" Again, mosquitoes.
Black and Decker introduce the judges, who are sitting up in one of the boxes, rather than in front of the stage as they usually are. Randy "I'll Be Your Shelter" Jackson is wearing EJay's old newsboy cap. Simon gives Randy two thumbs down as the audience cheers. Paula "If I Could Turn Back Time" Abdul is wearing an overly flashy necklace. Not that this is unusual for her. Simon "Power Of Persuasion" Cowell is in his typical black attire, which Black and Decker mock.
After a stupid joke about Amish people, Black and Decker introduce Justin and Kelly to the cheering crowd. They come out to the stage, arm-in-arm. Black and Decker talk to Justin and Kelly about the fact that they've become friends during the competition, asking what it's like to compete against each other. Kelly says they don't really see it as a competition against each other. Justin adds that they're really "competing against [themselves]." Black and Decker ask Justin how he's holding up to the rigors of preparing for the show and the media tour and blah blah blah the million ways they're oversaturating us so that the backlash begins before the idol's first single is even released. Uh, "-cakes." Justin says they get tired sometimes but they're fine now and have love for everybody. Yawn. Shot of R.J., A.J., and Jim in the audience. A.J. is trying to look like the drunk guy in the Backstreet Boys and failing. Black and Decker explain that Kelly and Justin will sing three songs tonight; they will each sing the same two songs that were "specially written for them," and I can't emphasize the quotation marks on that phrase enough. "For them" is a total lie, and for that matter, so is the "special" part of "specially." The third song will be one of the finalists' own choosing. The kids flipped a coin to see who goes first tonight. Kelly won, so she chose to follow Justin's performances. Smart girl. Nikki is sitting to Eldrin in the audience for some reason. They're both fans of the strange arm gestures, so they've got that in common.
But before Justin actually performs, let's have a clip show. Yay! Tonight, we get to see the kids head to New York for the MTV Video Music Awards, a ceremony that is slightly less relevant than your belly button. People scream. Justin hams for the camera. Justin and Kelly wear clothes. Kelly hams for the camera. People scream. They announce Avril Lavigne as the winner of this year's "Flash In The Pan" Award, or whatever it was. They don't show the part where Avril allegedly snubbed Kelly. They head to Total Request Live to get a thorough rectal licking from Carson Daly.
Back onstage, Black and Decker warn us that one of the two new songs Justin and Kelly sing tonight will be released as a single. Start saving up your money -- for the booze you're probably going to need if you actually choose to listen to these two songs voluntarily.
First up is Justin "Can't Fight Fate" Guarini, singing "Before Your Love," one of the original songs. I was about to give you the names of the people who wrote this song for the show, but you know what? The song is awful, and I'm not going to give them any publicity. So there. Justin heads out to the stage in a black satiny shirt and brown corduroys. In the audience, Eldrin gives the referee's call for "traveling" in basketball.
Here's a sample of some of the lyrics from "Before Your Love": "I wanted more than just an ordinary life. / All of my dreams seemed like castles in the sky. / I stand before you with my heart in your hands, / and I don't know how I survived without your kiss. / Because you're giving me a reason to exist." Blearrrgh. There's nothing in this song that hasn't been written a thousand times in a thousand greeting cards that a million husbands have given a million wives on their anniversaries. To add to the mawkish sentimentality of it all, the awful screensaver backgrounds have returned, featuring an overly orange sunset that would look perfect on the cover of said greeting card, with "the sun will never set on our love" written in script in the upper corner.
Justin struggles his way through this ballad, attempting, just as he did with "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me," to croon something that is meant to be belted. He plays to the crowd. He eye-fucks the camera. But the song has all the edge of a beach ball; the only thing that can save it is good, solid vocals, and that's the one thing Justin can't bring here. There's a lot of warbling on all the held notes to hide the fact that Justin's not able to maintain them. He does manage to rip off a great power note at the end, but overall it's just an okay performance of an awful, awful song. Eldrin mimes throwing pizza dough in the audience. Is he Dylan McDermott's acting coach? Black and Decker come out on stage to give the blah blah blah votecakes.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Kelly "Because You Loved Me" Clarkson. She heads out to the stage to sing the second original song, "A Moment Like This." She's wearing a black sequined cocktail dress and has parted her hair over to the side a little bit, which looks much better than the center part. I'm going to have to play Street Fighter Alpha 3 on my emulator now to get that observation out of my system.
Here are some sample lyrics to "A Moment Like This": "Some people wait a lifetime, / for a moment like this. / Some people search forever, / for that one special kiss. / I can't believe this is happening to me. / Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this." Awful, insipid dreck. It will be all the rage on WNZE, White Noise Radio (Motto: "When anything is better than silence"). The phrase "a moment like this" is repeated about seventy times. This song has as much impact as you would get from flinging shaving cream at a wall. Kelly gets daytime sky as her awful screensaver. Did I mention the spotlights on the floor behind her shoot bright lights up into the ceiling? It makes her look like she's singing on a landing strip.
As for Kelly's singing, it's simply not as solid as she normally is. She may need more time to get into this totally new song, or her throat may still be a bit hoarse, or it may just be the awfulness of the song, but she just doesn't seem to be feeling it or selling it the way she generally does. There's too much warbling around the notes. It's not bad. It's just terribly, terribly boring. It's a total filler song on a Mariah or Celine album that would never be released as a single. The audience responds, however, like the song just brought us out of the recession. Black and Decker come on stage to Kelly and give us the blah blah blah votecakes.
Commercials. When we return, Black and Decker explain that for the second round of performances, Justin and Kelly were asked to choose their favorite song from rounds and sing that again. Justin has chosen to sing "Get Here," yet again. Isn't this the fifteenth time he's sung that song? Maybe he should get off his damned ass and come over here for once.
Justin strolls out to the stage wearing a shiny brown velveteen shirt and black pants. Justin loves shiny clothing. Not spangly, like with sequins and stuff, like EJay. But shiny, like leather and satin and such. Anyway, the singing is a typical good Justin performance, full of sexiness and crooning and warbling. He only sings about half the song, because they need to make sure there's enough time to hear every wretched note of the two original songs, twice. He pulls off the nice high note at the end and the crowd goes wild. Black and Decker head out to give the blah blah blah votecakes and joke with Justin that his afro is so big that it wouldn't fit on a CD cover. Sigh.
Ninety seconds of content and we're back to commercials. Jeez. When we return, Black and Decker announce that Kelly will be singing "Respect" for the third time this competition. Of course, we never did see her first audition with the song. I am sure at this point that, for some reason or another, her first audition wasn't completely taped and these people are kicking themselves for it now.
Kelly heads out to the stage wearing another lovely black dress. I don't care if she has some flaws in her voice during this performance; I love up-tempo-belting Kelly about fifty times more than ballad-belting Kelly. Kelly works her own version of sexy and growls and works the hips for the audience. Her singing is solid, though she's still a little hoarse and she sort or runs out of steam toward the end. And the song stops rather abruptly with her shouting, "Respect!" Still, the crowd shrieks in approval as Black and Decker come out to give the blah blah blah votecakes.
But before we cut to commercials, we get a dual product-placement clip show. Our [product-placed cola] "moment" for the evening is of Justin, Kelly, Nikki, and Tamyra attending a pool party for the premiere of Swimfan, a movie about Jesse Bradford's lithe, smooth young body and pretty brown eyes. And other stuff, too, I'm sure. Justin tells us that now the celebrities come to them to be photographed instead of the other way around. Pretty people hang out in a pool. The kids are photographed with the stars of the movie. None of the kids are actually dressed for a pool party. See Swimfan, a product of the vast FOX media empire.
Commercials. When we return, Black and Decker blah blah blah about visiting the official site and inform us that there's a sweepstakes to win a [product-placed car]. Hurry, before they get recalled again! Then Black and Decker go into an extended reminder about how American Idol was actually a British import. There's an unfunny joke about England sending us the Beatles, while we send them Insane Clown Posse. It's not even worth the effort to thump the television anymore. All this explanation is an introduction for tonight's special guest, Will "I Don't Know How I Got By" Young, the winner of UK Pop Idol.
In a clip show, Will explains to us all the publicity surrounding his competition. Will is thin, neat, and pale, and has really bad hair. He's got that duck's-ass spike in the front, and if it were an inch taller, he'd look like Ed Grimley. ["What really makes it bad, though, is that it's just avoiding Mulletville in the back. Cut that off and he's actually kind of cute." -- Sars] He has one of those wide, rubbery smiles that kind of creep me out, like Jim Carrey's. We see him singing "Ain't No Sunshine" on a stage that looks like the arena for the light cycles in Tron. He and Simon had their own little Justin "backtalk moment." Although, since Will was first, it would be more accurate to say that Justin had a Will "backtalk moment." Anyway, Simon told Will that he thought his performance was "average," and Will disagrees with him, telling him, "It's your opinion, but I don't think you could ever call that average." What about me? Can I call it average? It was totally average. Christina sang it better. Hell, Ryan sang it better at the Pasadena auditions. Will goes on to explain that he and Simon mended fences (yeah, right. Simon hates Will) the week. There are some clips of Brits going wild for their two boy finalists. The show's hosts announce Will as the winner, and he reacts like Kristin Holt winning the Miss Odessa pageant. His advice to Kelly and Justin is to enjoy the moment, because they'll "kick [themselves]" in the future if they look back and realize that they didn't have any fun during the competition. Especially when they discover that they're not going to make any money from their contracts.
Back on stage, Black and Decker introduce Will out to join them in their little interviewing corner. Will comes out wearing a black tux with a white T-shirt. Onstage, I mean. He's already come out…never mind. Black and Decker mention that Will broke a record with his first single and ask him to explain. Will tells us all that the first single he released sold 1.3 million copies. Of course, that's a big deal in England because of its size. Here in America, that would be a failure, wouldn't it? Didn't O-Town sell that much? Eh, I don't care. Will also performed for the queen at Buckingham Palace. Who hasn't? I swear, all the queen does is sit around and listen to people perform for her. Ryan points out that there are probably some "queens" in the audience tonight. What, did you invite all your ex-boyfriends, Ryan? Will, Jim, and EJay could have a three-way on stage, and they still wouldn't be as gay as you.
And now, Will is going to perform for us Yanks. Black and Decker introduce Will singing "The Sweetest Feeling" as he heads over to the stage. My television frizzes out for a moment, and when it comes back on, it's 1962. Okay, it doesn't, but this song is a cover from that era and it sounds like it was locked in a time capsule, rather than updated for current pop appeal. Just replace Black and Decker with Ed Sullivan and turn off the color on your television. And Will's voice enhances this feeling. As a number of posters have pointed out, he sounds kind of like Davy Jones or Peter Noone. His singing has a strangely nasal quality, and on top of that, he has a pronounced ovine vibrato, and on top of that, he has a pronounced lisp. It wouldn't be accurate to say that he sounds "bad." It's more accurate to say he sounds "weird." Amusingly, the crowd at the front of the stage started off very excited at the idea of Will singing and waved their arms along with the music. But as he performs, they get less and less interested, slowly dropping their waving arms back down and just politely standing there. He has a fairly cheesy stage presence, like a cross between A.J. and Justin, with a tendency toward knee-bends as some sort of "dancing."
The audience cheers politely when Will's done, and some people give him a standing ovation. Black and Decker head back onstage to ask Will how much money he got from those 1.3 million single sales. This is about the stupidest thing Black and Decker could have asked if they don't want people thinking about the contract the winner is going to get, because the answer is obviously "to none." Will stammers for just a second before attempting some level of diplomacy by "joking" that it wasn't enough money, and he's going to ask for more. If by "more," you mean "any." Black and Decker invite Will to throw them to commercials, which he stumbles through lamely.
But why is he sticking his tongue out at the ferret in the first place?
For the final round, Justin and Kelly swap the awful crap songs and inflict them on us yet again. Oh, the torture. Justin heads out first in a shiny brown suit. He's singing "A Moment Like This." The verses for each of the songs sound exactly the same. It's only the chorus that distinguishes which is which. Justin does a little better with this song than the first one. He works the upper range fairly well and has some good, sustained notes. But it's absolutely not a song that Justin should ever record or make part of his performance career. It's so terribly bland. I predict that this song will be used in the promos for Friends for when Ross finally gets back with Rachel for good. And don't act like you don't know that they will.
The crowd cheers. Eldrin goes wild in the audience. Justin heads over for an interview with Black and Decker. They ask him if he can put into words what it's like singing for such a huge audience. No, he can't. He thanks everybody. Black and Decker give the blah blah blah votecakes.
And without going to commercials for once, Black and Decker introduce Kelly's final performance, her rendition of "Before Your Love." Kelly heads out in yet another pretty black dress. How many of those has she got? Kelly belts out the song. Wait, maybe this will be the song used in the promos for Friends for when Ross finally gets back with Rachel for good. Regardless, not even Kelly's killer voice can save this song. She works the audience, pointing up to folks in the balcony as she sings. She does a great job with a really bad song. There's a line about breathing love into somebody. How could somebody who wrote lyrics like that sleep at night?
Kelly gets a huge standing ovation when she's done. Black and Decker come out onstage and ask Kelly what people say to her in public when they recognize her. Can we have a question that isn't stupid? Somewhere? Anywhere? She says people usually shout, "I love you!" when they see her. Black and Decker ask her how she responds. She says she responds, "Me too!" By which she means that she loves them right back, not that she's in love with herself.
We get a final clip show of Justin and Kelly in their dress rehearsals and the blah blah blah votecakes stuff. When we return, Kelly and Justin are onstage together. Black and Decker call up to the judges and ask what they think is going to happen. Randy tells Kelly that her singing is amazing and that any aspiring singer should listen to Kelly and worship Kelly and be like Kelly and eat Kelly Flakes for breakfast with a glass of Kelly Juice. Surprisingly, he says absolutely nothing about Justin's performances at all. That's a rather unexpected snub from him. Paula, in typical fashion, won't commit to much other than slathering praise everywhere. Ryan asks her if it's another "Phuh-nominal" night. Paula responds that she has one word for the performances: "Tremendousstupendousamazing." It's just not worth the effort any more. I'm about burned out when it comes to Paula's idiocy. I'm glad I'll have some time to recharge for the season, presuming she returns for it. Paula takes a moment to compliment Kelly individually, telling her that "[she has] a voice that could make grown men cry, and make boys wish that they were grown men." And make girls wish that they were lesbians and that Kelly were, too, but we won't go there. Paula tells Justin that if you looked up "it" in the dictionary, there would be a picture of Justin. Okay, you say that people have "it" as a compliment, you don't tell people that they are "it." Telling somebody that he is a sexless ambiguous thing (or the person you have to avoid while playing tag) isn't a compliment. Even if it's Delano. Simon wraps up the comments by first snarking that he doesn't even understand what Paula is saying anymore. Did he ever? Simon starts off by telling the audience that Justin is one of the nicest people he's ever worked with. He adds that after seeing some of the "horrors" he witnessed at the Video Music Awards, Justin and Kelly are both a "credit" to what pop stardom is all about. He concludes by telling Justin that he was great, but if he were to vote for who should win the contest, he would vote for Kelly.
Black and Decker urge us to vote with a stupid, dated joke about Florida (and now I'm glad I resisted the urge all this time to make one myself), before reminding us to tune in to tomorrow night's two-hour extravaganza to see who wins.
Wednesday. Oh, where has our poor Melodramatic Announcer gone? Sadly, his work for American Idol is done. Perhaps he has gone off to provide voice-overs for NBC promos. Perhaps he's bilingual and has gone south to announce soccer games.
Instead we get Black and Decker, in all their toolish glory, hanging out in the production truck. Brian sneers, "God, it reeks in here!" Perhaps it's where they bury the corpses of all the jokes you two have killed, Brian. Tonight either Kelly or Justin will be going home with the title of American Idol, as well a draconian contract and two awful, awful pop ballads. We see shots of people going crazy outside and inside the [Product-Placed Camera] Theatre. Black and Decker remind us that this…is American Idol. Just in case you had gotten confused and thought thousands of people had shown up to support Amy and Roddy on Big Brother. How sad are those folks going to be to discover that they're getting even less attention than the nitwits from the two seasons?
Credits. Hey, remember that clip show we got last week? Well, American Idol is about to set a new television record for having clip shows for two weeks in a row. This first hour of tonight's two-hour results show is pure clippage, with a few interviews tossed in here and there. Black and Decker hang out on the red carpet in front of a bunch of screaming fans with signs. I'm surprised that a certain cola company didn't sponsor the carpet. Black and Decker tell us that the top ten finalists will all be performing later tonight, so consider yourself warned.
And now it's time for the clips. It's a look back at the audition process. They show Elias putting on the Zorro strip show one more time. They focus on New York so that Justin can explain to us that he waited all afternoon for his auditions. There's a shot of him standing in line, looking miserable. Hey, there's the Naked Cowboy! Why didn't they show him in the original auditions? He's a national treasure! That guy sings "Bohemian Rhapsody" again. Ewwww, it's Levi Blue. Run away! Run! Away! There's Anjela, believing that what God wants is for her to screech like an opera singer in the middle of a nervous breakdown. Various other people mimic seizures as they perform.
Black and Decker narrate that it was also America's introduction to Simon Cowell, and after meeting him, "nothing would ever be the same." Oh, fucking please. We get a montage of Simon saying mean things and people crying. Somehow this ends up as a segue to Kelly's first appearance at the auditions. We still don't hear her singing. They replay the part where she switches spots with Randy. In an interview, Kelly says that everybody who performed before her had been rejected so far, so she didn't really think she had much of a chance. She was invited to Hollywood (Pasadena), along with many others. They show Jim humping Ryan Seacrest's leg. Jamar hugs his mom, just before dropping his last name like a bad habit. Tamyra, Tenia, and Alexandra all celebrate. The others go back to their daily routine. If they have one. There's Anakin Boogie, singing outside to some people who tell him that he sucks. I think that tattoo on his arm was drawn on with a Sharpie.
Back out in front of the theater, Black and Decker point out two girls holding signs. One of them supports Justin. The other must have escaped from an mental institution, because her sign reads, "Fresno loves Dunkleman." Honey, that sign? It's why you're outside, not inside. The two girls butcher "I Believe I Can Fly" while Brian points out his own sign. Tool. Ryan sings badly along with them as Brian introduces the five worst auditions, as chosen by people who visited the web site. Number five is a girl butchering "Music." Number four is our lovely Anakin Boogie (Derek Stillings), whirling around and flailing his arms. Number three is Stoned Silent Night Guy! Yay! We still only get the same two lines as last time. Number two is Mrs. Culp, shrieking and over-enunciating "Lady Marmalade." The five seconds of speechlessness from the judges when she's done cracks me up every time. But the winner of the worst audition award was Jennifer. This is actually my first time seeing her, because I had weather issues at this point in the show, and Miss Alli bravely stepped into the breach in my behalf. Oh my god, Miss Alli didn't even mention the shiny white eye shadow, nor the fact that she slathered it on all the way up to her eyebrows. Or that her eyebrows are literally two millimeters thick. She's awful, and Simon tells her so.
Back out on the red carpet, Black and Decker point out that people are divided over who they believe is going to win. Kelly! Justin! Kelly! Justin! It's tearing families apart! Or it's an attempt to create drama, given that Kelly has all but been crowned the winner already. Various celebrities and non-celebrities weigh in on who will win. Jimmy Fallon and Zach Braff both vote for Kelly.
Commercials. Oh, Nicky Katt, what have you done with your hair?
Serving as a bumper for our return to the show are a few strangers on the street saying that Justin is going to win. Ryan returns alone to give us a brief tour of the backstage area. He wanders down a hallway where the dressing rooms for the judges are. He knocks on Simon's door, and he opens up. The two of them blather incomprehensibly for a few seconds, and Simon makes fun of Ryan's tie. Then, Ryan stumbles across Jane Kaczmarek standing there in the hallway, looking about twelve months pregnant. And then there's this whole weird thing where Ryan tries to promote the fact that Jane's up for an Emmy; then Simon comes out of his dressing room to talk to Jane, but they both talk at the same time and we can't understand what they're saying, and Ryan pretends that Simon got Jane pregnant, earning him the enmity of Bradley Whitford's harem. Really, I can't recap what happened because I don't know what happened. The three people involved don't even know what happened. After Simon heads back into his dressing room, Jane reveals that she's been a big fan of the show and voted thirty-six times for Kelly last night.
Now that they've showed the worst, let's take a look at what web voters said were the best auditions. Number five was A.J. singing the national anthem. Number four was Christina singing "Isn't [S]he Lovely" to Simon. Which, it turns out, she was asked to do by the show's producers, which makes Simon's crush on her seem even skeevier. Number three was Justin's first auditions for the judges, where he introduced us to the concept of the (Eeeeeeee!). The (Eeeeeeee!) has since grown into a monster of Frankenstein proportions that will probably haunt me to my dying day. Number two was Tamyra's performance of "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" in the semi-finals. Number one was Kelly's rendition of "Respect" in the semi-finals. In a piece of editing revisionist history that would shock even Bunim-Murray, they cut a clip of Simon complimenting Jazmin Lowery and edit it in here to make it look like Simon told Kelly that she had a "natural talent" and a "beautiful voice." In reality, Simon was very bored and couldn't even remember who Kelly was. What a loathsome, shitty thing to do, and I don't know why I'm even surprised.
Back in some break room or production room or something, Ryan harasses some crew members who clearly want to be left alone. He forces some guy to throw the show to more clips of people guessing who is going to win the title. Kelly! Justin! Kelly! Justin! Donald Trump guesses Kelly.
Commercials. Okay, they actually show a shot of John Doe's entire naked ass, showing both glutes and the crack, in the latest previews. Are they going to have to start putting ratings on the commercials?
When we return, Brian is wandering alone down a hallway leading to make-up. He "jokes" that it's Ryan's favorite department. He explains that Kelly is in make-up, putting on her final touches. He knocks on the door and asks her if she's "decent." She says she is, and he mutters, "Dammit." Does he really not understand how thoroughly repulsive he is? Obviously not, or he'd at least make a tiny effort to change his behavior. He heads in, and Kelly is sitting in a chair getting some work done. Kelly has abandoned the straight look with her hair and has gone with some loose Debra Messing-style curls and it looks much, much better. The highlights aren't so glaring. And I'm going to have to kill about fifty viper lords in Diablo II to get my personality back in alignment after that observation. Brian asks Kelly if "any of this has sunk in at all" yet. Well, I guess there is value to teaching these kids how to answer remarkably stupid questions politely, because they are going to be asked so many by the entertainment press. Kelly plays it humble, saying she's not sure yet, and she'll find out after the show is over and all that happens after that. Brian asks her what the best part of the experience has been for her. She says that it's the nine friends she can trust and lean on that are now part of "the industry" with her. Yeah, okay. Maybe if you took out Jim, A.J., and EJay and replaced them with Randy, Paula, and Simon. Maybe that's what she means.
Brian claims to have a "surprise" for Kelly. A bunch of folks from her hometown of Burleson, Texas, have gathered together at Kelly's old high school to show their support. Fortunately, there just happens to be a monitor located just behind Kelly's right shoulder, so she is able to see them all. She tries to pretend to be surprised. Kids scream as some random FOX news show clone waves a cell phone in our faces and claim that people have worn the numbers off from voting. It's called "redial," moron. Also, shut up. A gaggle of Kelly's friends wish her good luck and tell her to "come back a winner, or don't come back at all." Yikes. With friends like those, who needs stage mothers? I just realized that Brian has tried to make himself look more like Ryan by wildly moussing up his hair. He looks idiotic. More so than usual.
And now, more clips. Here's the first group of ten. In an interview, Tamyra says that being in the first group was particularly stressful because viewers were going to judge the quality of the show based on the quality of this first group of performances. Of course, Tamyra started things off by kicking ass, so there was that. They show Simon's mean quote to Jim about how the show will have failed if people vote for him. And they did. And obviously, now in retrospect, Simon was definitely not trying to manipulate the public into voting for him. Round two brought us Justin and Kelly. In an interview, Kelly jokes that everybody knew that Justin was going to move on, but nobody knew who the other two would be. It turned out to be Kelly, of course, and A.J. In the third round, Delano, the creepy man-child, was eliminated for lying about his age. And here's the damned fight between Randy and Simon after R.J.'s performance. I think that this is the seventh time that this clip has been shown to us. Anyway, Christina, Nikki, and Eeh-jhay were voted through on that round. And then R.J. was chosen for the wild-card slot.
Back in the hall, Brian thanks Kelly for lending him money. Ha ha cough. Then he says that, though things are intense now, they're about to get "intenser." No, really. But first, they're going to get commercialer, as we cut to a break, then it's going to get repetitiouser, as we show some more clips, and then excruciatinger, as we hear some more group performances by the ten finalists.
David E. Kelley (or rather, "david e. kelley," as it's spelled in the commercial) tries to convince us that he's not a Neanderthal misogynist with girls club. Yeah, good luck with that. The title's certainly a good start.
When we return from commercials, various people on the street insist that Kelly is going to win. Various others insist that Justin is going to win. Backstage, a confused Ryan nearly misses his cue as Justin munches on the food at the craft services table. The spread is tiny. Just a bunch of fresh fruit and cheeses. But there are stacks of [product-placed soft drinks] there for the taking. Ryan and Justin munch on strawberries. Their attempts at making these interviews seem like they're impromptu fail miserably. Why do they bother trying to deceive us if they're so bad at it? That's what kills me about all the manipulation on reality shows. People inevitably pick up on it, so why bother? Ryan asks Justin what his "pre-game" preparation strategy is before he performs. Justin doesn't have one. Heh. He eats and relaxes. I find it endlessly amusing that none of these kids is ever as ludicrously hyped up about the show as everybody else involved with it seems to be, not to mention the entertainment press. Or us viewers, for that matter. I can only hope they don't get caught up in that "believing your own hype" thing. Ryan and Justin joke about the fact that Justin is wearing a flashy multi-colored shirt. Ryan suggests that Justin borrowed it from him.
Hey, look! There's a television monitor set up right to the food table! What could that possibly be doing there? Surprise, Justin! It's a bunch of folks gathered at Justin's old high school in Doylestown, Pennsylvania. Justin isn't any better at feigning surprise than Kelly is. Another random FOX news clone blathers on about Justin's support, while the camera pans across shrieking girls and cheerleaders. The idiot FOX news clone tries to force Justin to pit his fans against Kelly's hometown fans. Shut up, FOX clone. Justin ignores the woman's baiting and simply tells the folks how much he loves his hometown. Smart boy. FOX news clone brings up Justin's old choir director, Mr. Teshner, to give him some more support. Mr. Teshner tells Justin that they're all proud of him. Ryan asks Justin what the first song he sang for Teshner's class, but Justin can't remember. What kind of dumb-ass question was that? Who remembers the first thing he sang in choir? Justin waves and thanks everybody for supporting him. After the feed of Doylestown cuts off, Ryan tells Justin that he could have any of those girls. Eww! Is Ryan trying to pick up the slack for Brian's absence? In what world was that an appropriate thing to say? Justin laughs to disguise his horror and points out that the girls are all still in high school. Ryan tries to come up with some explanation as to why his comment wasn't totally disgusting, and fails. ["I have to say, I liked Justin more during that exchange than I have in the entirety of the rest of the show. The flat, disgusted way that he basically dismissed Seacrest? Eeeeeee!" -- Sars] Instead, Ryan sends Justin back to the food while he heads off to incite more clip shows. Not five seconds after Ryan has started to walk away, Justin flees the food table and out of camera range to escape the awful fakeness of it all. And as Ryan heads down a hallway, we can see all the lights and equipment and crew on hand to illuminate the location of this "impromptu" interview. Brilliant.
Our collection of clips is a list of Simon's five meanest moments. Number five: Simon tells Anakin Boogie that he's "worst singer in America." Number four: Simon tells Levi Blue that he doesn't have a "magic wand" to make him a good performer. Number three: Simon tells Jim that if he wins, then the show will have failed. Number two: Simon tells some boy that he's deaf if he thinks he can be the "American Idol." And number one: Simon tells Mrs. Culp to sue her vocal coach.
When we return, Black and Decker have found each other again backstage. Brian mocks Simon's cruelty while Ryan plays with a roll of electrical tape. Shiny! Brian harasses another innocent crewmember, who plays with some doll that makes monkey sounds. Brian introduces another clip show about the final rounds. Ryan pretends to attack him with the electrical tape. I suspect that Brian is the real expert when it comes to tape as a bondage tool, and not in the good way.
Clips! Black and Decker lie that the kids were performing with "full musical backing." They show a brief clip of big band night as some sort of proof. Why did they do that, when none of the other clips are going to show a band? It's so fucking stupid. They're not fooling anybody. They show clips of various performances. They show Kelly's stalker. They show Simon announcing his crush on Christina. Singing. Singing. Belting. Crooning. The judges compliment Kelly. And Tamyra. And here's the fifteenth showing of Simon telling Justin that he's been outperformed and Justin calling on the crowd for support. They show Ryan getting eliminated. They didn't even care enough to even mention Jim, Eeeeee!-Jay, or A.J.'s performances. There's Christina getting wheeled out to an ambulance. Just as classy as ever. She's eliminated in absentia. R.J. is eliminated, and Nikki cries. Kelly's voice suffers. Tamyra's voice suffers. But Tamyra's the one who gets eliminated. And then Nikki follows, leaving Justin and Kelly as the final two.
And here's Brian, staring at a monitor showing nothing but the American Idol logo. He's totally pretending that he could actually watch the clip show, but then he didn't get his cue, so we're sitting here watching Brian watch nothing. Hysterical. Somebody off-camera pats his arm, and he immediately starts his spiel as if nothing had happened at all. And what is all this for? It's so Brian can introduce tonight's idiotic [product-placed car] skit. These poor kids. I feel so bad. Kelly and Justin are dressed up in racing suits, heading out onto a race track to their waiting [product-placed cars]. The other eight finalists pretend to be members of their various pit crews. They get into their tiny, ugly compact cars and pretend to have a drag race. Do those things even go fast enough to be allowed on highways? The whole skit is stupider than stupid. It's plootank (tm Stee).
Commercials. Well, more commercials. Ice-T thinks Kelly is going to win. L.L. Cool J refuses to choose. Ethan Zohn chooses Justin because of his afro. Hee.
We return inside to Brian at the sound board. Why? Just because. It has nothing to do with anything. He just needed someplace to stand while he introduced the set of clips. This time it's the top five contestants with "attitude." Number five is the obnoxious boy with the creepy, tiny perm or afro or whatever it was who absolutely refused to believe that his singing was anything less than amazing. Number four is Luis, who traveled across the country from audition to audition, getting rejected each time and calling Simon boring for wearing all black. Number three was Rose, who didn't think that the judges had the right to judge her. Number two was Stefanie, the crazy cheese lady who refused to accept the fact that she wasn't moving on to the round. I wish she had made good on her threat to show up anyway. Maybe she's the reason why the second round was moved from Hollywood to Pasadena? The producers were all, "Okay, Stefanie thinks we'll be in Hollywood, so let's head over a few miles to Pasadena instead. She'll never find us!" And number one, of course, is Tah-mee-kah. "[Simon's] an ass! And he can kiss mine! He can go kiss my natural-born black ass!"
And on that lovely sentiment, we come to the end of the hour-long clip show. Yay! Ryan returns backstage to show us what it's like to walk out onto the stage. A cameraman follows him out to the floor, and it really is impressive. I don't get stage fright often, but I could easily imagine getting intimidated trying to perform in this huge auditorium. The audience screams. Ryan incites the audience to scream some more, then tells us to stay tuned for the results. In approximately fifty-five minutes.
Commercials. Then…credits again? Okay, whatever. Ah, they're treating the second hour like a whole separate show. First hour was a behind the scenes/flashback thing. This hour is the American Idol Song and Dance Revue. Black and Decker head out on stage to the cheers of the hall. We see shots of celebrities in the audience. There are Alexis Denisof and Alyson Hannigan. The cast of Mad TV and Grounded For Life are in attendance. I'm sure the fact that both shows are on FOX means nothing. ["The presence of Barry Williams and Tiffany does make you wonder what the overarching principle is, though." -- Sars] Ray Romano is out there with his family.
Black and Decker introduce themselves to us, yet again. Now, hide the pets or any family members with sensitive hearing! All ten finalists are back, and they're ready to sing, dance, and Up With People their way back into our hearts. Are you ready? Me neither. We'll all just have to muddle through together.
So we're going to start off the medley (a musical term that, by now, instills more fear in me than "karaoke") with the five female finalists singing "The Shoop Shoop Song." It's actually not bad. Between all five girls, they've got more range than all the guys in the final thirty put together. I don't know what the hell has happened to Christina in the weeks following her ejection. Did she get brain surgery? Her hair is insane. It looks like it's growing sideways out of her head. She has made shelves on her head out of her own hair. Scary. Tamyra has her hair in long curls, and it looks pretty nice. I still like the afro-puff best. Nikki has added some blue streaks to her hair. Very patriotic, her hair. If A.J. breaks out into the national anthem, the audience should face her while they sing along. All five girls get solos. It was kind of a fun performance and easy to listen to.
And now here come the boys to ruin it all. Jim gets us off to a bad start with a solo of the first verse of "California Girls." Really, only two of these five guys can even hope to pass as straight, and they're singing "California Girls." I imagine that, during the rehearsals, their music coordinator had to keep explaining to them that the line is "I wish they all could be California girls," not "I wish we all could be California girls." The boys just suck. There's really no way to get around it. Their voices are thin. They have no stage presence. EJay's motions are so exaggerated that he looks like he should be doing kabuki. Justin is wearing tan leather pants.
The boys groove their way over to the center of the stage so we can transition to the part where each finalist gets a little solo. Ryan strides out in her shredwear to sing "These Boots Are Made For Walking." Jim and EJay try to pretend that Ryan turns them on and fail miserably. It's the wrong Ryan. She marches around the stage in her stiletto heels, singing about her boots. I'm not surprised at all. After a verse, Tamyra runs out to sing "A Fool In Love," with real back-up singers this time. I was right; the song totally kicks ass when you've got real singers out there for Tamyra to groove off of. Her stage presence is fifty times better. And the kids all sound strangely good when they're singing back-up. Given the awful group performances week after week, it made me wonder if it was really them singing. Tamyra finishes her song by pretending to push a camera away. You go, Miss Thing! Nikki follows up Tamyra (how smart to put Tamyra before Nikki to prevent any rude booing) with another rendition of "Piece Of My Heart," while the other kids try to rock out behind her and look like big dorks. up is A.J., who cheeses his way through "How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You)" again. He goes to the edge of the stage to play to the crowd and to keep an eye out for sharp wooden objects. Fortunately, Willow and Wesley aren't seated too close to the stage. And yes, his shirt has a ridiculously large collar. Justin gets the crowd going "Eeeeeeee!" when he gets his solo of "The Look of Love." He leans down and touches hands to various kids in the front, presumably eye-fucking them in the process. Then Christina joins Justin, and they give each other sex looks before he leaves her so that she can sing a solo of "Don't Make Me Over." I'm afraid it's too late for that, Christina. Your only hope is to just let it grow out. Then it's E-j-A-y's turn, and he heads out to the center of the stage to s-iii-I-i-iiii-IIIII-eeee-iii-ng "Unchained Melody." Man, EJay really, truly could kick ass as a singer if he'd just learn to tone everything about himself down -- the ornamentation, the attitude, the clothing, the hair, everything. I'm sure people could overlook the jaw line and the nose if he fixed those other issues. I'm being naïve now, aren't I? The boy's got a five-octave range, but he doesn't know how to use it. After he's done, R.J. cross-country-skis his way across the stage to "Under The Boardwalk." The kids are outdancing R.J. in the background -- heh. Kelly gets her own "Eeeeeeee!"s as she belts out "Natural Woman" with back-up singing from the other girls.
Then all the kids gather for a group performance of "Happy Together." Jim doesn't look happy at all. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he was the only finalist who didn't get a solo song. Bwah! The kids sing and work the crowd. It's not entirely unpleasant. Sparks shoot off from the back of the stage as the performance ends. Thank you everybody! Check out the gift shop before you go, and don't forget to take a whirl on the newly revamped "Batman: The Ride." It's the fastest inverted coaster in the Midwest!
Commercials. When we return, Black and Decker remind us what we're actually watching. They introduce Kelly and Justin, who come back out onstage arm and arm. They've both switched to black shirts. Black and Decker ask Kelly if this is how she envisioned the finale. She says she hadn't really thought about it at all and didn't know what to expect. She says she just takes the days one at a time. Ryan points out that Justin has changed his shirt. They ask Justin again what it's like to be onstage here. They just asked him that last night. Idiots. Justin doesn't really answer the question, inciting the crowd to cheer instead.
Black and Decker send the kids back off-stage to introduce the judges again. Wow, one of those dancers from the (original) "Smooth Criminal" video has really let himself go. Oh wait, that's Randy, wearing a suit with an orange pimp fedora and matching tie. Ryan calls him "Notorious Jackson." Randy "whassup, dog"s his greetings. Oh, poor Paula got her medications confused and forgot to put on her dress. She's just wearing the slip and lingerie and a sparkly costume-jewelry necklace. Simon is wearing a suit, but no tie. The girl from Grounded For Life really loves herself some Simon.
Hey, let's have Justin and Kelly sing those awful original songs again! They need to really start repeating them over and over again in the hopes that we'll grow to like them. Justin heads out first to sing "A Moment Like This." I find it amusing that Simon recently complained to the press about singers wanting to write their own songs and how they turn out bad. Yes, it must take years of training and experience as a songwriter to come up with "What if I told you / it was all too real? / Would you believe me? / Would you agree? / It's almost that feeling, / that we've met before. / So, tell me that you don't think I'm crazy, / when I tell you love has come here and now." It sounds like the "poetry" my sister wrote when she was in middle school. ["Go apologize to your sister for that comment right now, young man." -- Sars] Justin croons. People wave and cheer. He gets a standing ovation. Randy doesn't even applaud for him. Did Justin run over Randy's mother or something? What crawled up his massive ass and died? He's making Simon seem friendly.
And now it's time for Kelly. Oh wait, Ryan has to camera-whore some more. He says that Kelly's performance of this song last night gave him goosebumps all over his "artificially-tanned body." By way of example, he pulls up a pant-leg to show the audience. He should spend less time in the tanning booth and more time working on those calves. They introduce Kelly performing "Before Your Love." Kelly belts some more. I think I slightly like this song better than "A Moment Like This." Though, honestly, it's like having a favorite method of execution. She belts her way through the song as the sun sets on the monitors behind her. She plays to the crowd. She sings to the rafters. Everybody adores her. She gets a huge standing ovation. When she's done, Black and Decker come out and tell us that fifteen million votes were cast in this last round, making it a final tally of more than one hundred million votes over the course of the competition. Now we'll just have to see if all this voting translates into actual record sales.
Commercials. Sweet Home Alabama. Does anybody seeing this commercial think that Reese Witherspoon won't end up with her childhood friend from the country and not the smooth, rich guy from the city? If so, have you ever seen a movie before?
When we return, Ryan has found his element: a gaggle of camera-whoring kids in "the pit." He greets a few of them while feedback whine from his microphone probably deafens the audience. A rather large girl rushes over to Ryan and hugs him. He immediately puckers up for a kiss, and she obliges. Then he asks her if she's old enough for him to be doing that. Oh, don't worry, Ryan. I'm sure the parents of America feel safe having their girls around you. If nothing else, you can give them some good make-up tips.
Hey, let's put on another show! This time we're revisiting the Motown theme. The kids enter the audience from the aisles, singing "Dancing In The Streets." They're all wearing black shirts and brown corduroys, and it looks like a live Gap ad. At least the shirts are of different styles. Interestingly, Justin is still wearing leather pants, while Kelly is in form-fitting jeans that emphasize her not-rail-thin booty. I hope that means she's done listening to the thin police. The kids stand in groups here and there and sing their solos. For some reason, Nikki appears to be alone. R.J. and Tamyra dance together. It's clear that R.J.'s programming has gone seriously awry if that bulge in his khakis is any indication. It's back to the drawing board for the Family Research Council. Tamyra grinds her hips into R.J.'s bulge and I honestly could not be more shocked by either of them. Perhaps , we'll hear Jim singing with the voice of an angel, or A.J. will get a tan. The kids all make their way up to the stage. The boys and girls split up. The boys butcher "Get Ready." During Jim's solo, they show E-Jay. Heh.
Ryan takes the lead for a rendition of "If You Really Love Me," with the girls singing back-up. R.J. takes center stage to sing "I Can't Help Myself," and the kids stand behind him, bending back and forth in an extremely amusing dance. It's almost like they're making fun of R.J.'s stage moves. Hey, there's some stuff that resembles actual dancing. Dude! Did R.J. stick a sock down his pants or what? He certainly puts Ryan Seacrest to shame. Rather than revisiting the horrors of "Ben," Nikki gets a solo of "I'll Be There." It's still not a particularly good song for her. I guess they were required at some point to give Jim a full solo, so he comes out and butchers "You Are The Sunshine Of My Life." Flat, thin, and bad. He does that damned head-tilt thing. This, of course, is the perfect place to put in Kelly's solo as a sort of musical sorbet to cleanse our palates of all things Jim. She belts out "You're All I Need To Get By." Unfortunately, she's followed by A.J., butchering "My Cherie Amour" again. Christina follows A.J. and sends Simon a pretty clear message by singing "My Guy." The vibrato's gone, but now she's got that damned hair. Speaking of damned hair, here comes E-Jay to follow up with "My Girl." I had no idea that there were twelve vowels in "cloudy."
After all these solos, Justin and Tamyra head out across the stage to meet each other and sing a duet of "With You I'm Born Again." Damn, the two of them are good together. Tamyra's technical precision works for her here, because she's able to tone down her voice better than Kelly and blends well with Justin. And they really feed off each other's stage presence. They're totally eye-fucking each other as they sing facing each other. After they're done, the two of them take over Black and Decker's job (ooh, there's something I'd like to see made permanent) and introduce Will Young back on the stage. He bounds down and starts singing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." After the first verse, Kelly joins in and wanders back onstage for another duet. I was going to say what an odd choice it was to have this duet, but none of the other guys in the finals could possibly hold his own in a duet with Kelly. As it is, Will is terribly outmatched. At least Kelly's belting drowns out Will's vibrato to the degree that his singing sounds cleaner than it did last night. The funniest part is toward the end where Will and Kelly have this sort of "belt-off," and Will can't even hope to compete, so he resorts to "Yeah!"s and "Wooo!"s. The other kids join them back on stage to sing. Then the kids run into the audience while Kelly stays onstage and tells the people in the audience that they're "losers" if they aren't on their feet. Justin stands on the armrest of a seat on the aisle. Damn me for already using my Roberto Benigni joke. Interesting how Kelly has pretty much had the last solo in both group performances and sang after Justin in their repeat performances of the original songs, isn't it? It's like they're trying to give us hints. The kids all run back up onstage to wrap it up, and the crowd goes wild. As usual.
Black and Decker have found their way up to the judges' box in order to say more things that aren't funny. Yay! Brian tells Randy that he owns the same hat. Ryan observes that he saw Simon grooving along to the performances. Black and Decker promise us a duet with Justin and Kelly, after these commercials.
And after about thirty of said commercials, we return, and Black and Decker have managed to find their way back to the stage. They introduce Justin and Kelly back on stage, and Ryan, like an idiot, draws attention to some sort of technical difficulty going on with them that we wouldn't have known about had he not mentioned it. The kids are going to sing "It Takes Two" -- the Tina Turner song, not that awful song from the late '80s that haunted me all the way through eleventh grade. It's a good song for the two of them, because it's not really a belting song, so Kelly won't overwhelm Justin. It's fun. It's harmless. It's filler. The audience loves it. When they're done, Black and Decker join them onstage and try to harsh on Kelly and Justin's vibe by telling us that the fun is almost over and that the winner will be announced soon. Justin won't let the mood come down, party facilitator that he is, and says the fun is just starting. He and Kelly joke like they're going to just leave now. These kids, ten years younger than Dunkleman, are ten times funnier. Not to mention less stupid. After Justin's comments, Dunkleman actually says to him, "You're going to be around for awhile; I'm not going to feel too sorry for you." Justin looks at the audience like, "Shit! Did he just tell everybody that I lost?" I suppose that it could be argued that Dunkleman was speaking collectively, like both of them are still going to be around, regardless of who wins. But considering how it ends, it does kind of look like he just gave it away. Black and Decker remind us that Kelly used to be a cocktail waitress and Justin a door-to-door salesman. Now one of them is going to be a superstar. For how long, is anybody's guess. Who will it be? Well, let's have some commercials first.
Aww. [Product-placed cola] and [product-placed car] did special congrats commercials for the kids. That's kind of cute. Not cute enough for me to use their names, though.
When we return, Ryan is holding the envelope containing the results of the vote. But first, let's get the judges' predictions. Randy tries to weasel out of prediction, but when pressed, he "Kelly, Kelly, Kelly"s his answer. Kelly honestly looks sad at that total snub of Justin, but Justin smiles and mutters something to her that cheers her up. Or perhaps Kelly is sad because she, like everybody else, hates those original songs. Paula also tries to weasel out as well, but when pressed, she says that "Kelly Clarkson sang…[her] butt off." Is that why singers tend to be so damned skinny these days? Simon starts off by thanking us all for welcoming him to America. Brian says that he's going to miss Simon so much. Why? He just signed on to judge again year for a million dollars. Oh, right. Brian is the one who won't be coming back, thank God. Simon again admits that the talent is better here than in England. Paula interrupts to inarticulately blather about how much fun she was having and says she would have paid for the seats the show gave them. I don't know. I'd be willing to chip in for a prescription of whatever it was that made Paula coherent last week. Finally, Simon also says that Kelly should be chosen as the winner. In the audience, Kelly's family looks very tense.
And now Black and Decker repeat the judges' comments from last night. They take a comment that Randy gave to Kelly (about being a "phenomenal talent") and lie that he said that to Justin. Randy ignored Justin entirely. And for once, we're not going to cut to commercials before announcing the winner. Black and Decker explain that the vote finals came down to a 58 to 42 percent split. I can't help but think that the gap might have ended up wider had the phone lines been able to actually handle all the calls coming in. And after milking the moment for as long as he possibly can, Ryan reveals the winner: Kelly Clarkson. Which, unless you've tossed your television out the window or have disconnected your internet access in the past two days, you've already heard over and over and over again.
Kelly actually looks a little sad as Justin gives her a huge hug. Kelly's mom is bawling in the audience. The folks in Burleson are going wild. Debra Wilson of Mad TV is bawling. Well, okay there. Kelly herself isn't bawling, yet. She just stands there, looking kind of stunned. Black and Decker ask her what's running through her mind. She says she's wondering how she's going to sing now without bawling her head off. She says she doesn't know what to say. Then she gives a sort of Julia Roberts squeal of delight. Black and Decker give Justin a moment for his last words. Kelly does another Austin Powers impersonation and growls out, "Sexy man! Sexy man!" to Justin. Hee. Justin thanks his fans and his family. He thanks Simon and Randy for teaching him so much and tells Paula that he loves her. Paula shouts out the number of her hotel room for him. Actually she "jokes" that "if only [she] were five years older, it would work." Bleargh. Justin concludes that he's happy with the way the votes turned out, and nobody deserves it more than Kelly. Awww. Although, given the quality of those ballads, that's sort of a double-edged comment there.
As everybody tries to collect themselves, Black and Decker tell us that Kelly will sing us out with the song chosen as her first single, "A Moment Like This." Kelly starts to sing, and immediately loses her shit. Hee. She gives a girly squeal and manages to pull herself together and starts singing again. She leans down and touches hands with the fans. She loses her shit again and does another squeal. Heh. Eventually sparklers go off behind her and a group of back-up singers comes out behind her for the chorus. They make me wonder if they were really the ones singing back-up in the medleys.
The other kids come out and hug Kelly as confetti streams down. She loses it again at the very end and asks Christina and Nikki to help her with the last notes. They do, but of course, they're both terribly off. Nikki gives her a huge hug as Black and Decker announce to one and all that Kelly is the American Idol. Natalie Cole (I think) hugs her parents in the audience. As confetti fills the air, Black and Decker remind us that we're going to have another competition year. I predict that we'll have even more pathetic fame-whores who can't sing at the auditions. On the other hand, if Kelly does well after the show is over, we may get more quality singers as well.
And with a shot of Ryan Starr bawling her eyes out and Jim staring directly out into the camera like he's about to start a cheesy soliloquy about the cruelty of fate, this season of American Idol comes to an end. Let the message go forth that Kelly Clarkson has earned final ownership of the (Eeeeeeee!). Although, should her musical career falter, or should a contestant in the upcoming season invite an even greater or more rabid (or "rabider," as Dunkleman might say) response from viewers, there is still a risk that the (Eeeeeeee!) could be taken away. Remember, there's always the "big thing."
And we are done. Thanks a bunch to all you readers and posters who made these recaps so insanely popular, and for the dozens of complimentary emails I've gotten every week all summer. And, of course, to Sars, who offered me this gig and made my recaps coherent when listening to Paula and Black and Decker threatened to rob me of my sanity. Sars always makes me go "Eeeeeeee!" ["And I r(eeeeee!)ciprocate that sentiment." -- Sars] Hopefully, I'll see you here summer. All except for you, Dunkleman.
"Oh, oh, oh, whoa! Whoa! Yeah!"