Tuesday. Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically recaps Tamyra's shocking ejection last week. There's an unexpected melodramatic sneer in his voice when he tells us, "Your lack of votes ousted [Tamyra] from the competition." But since 19 Entertainment all but stormed the stage during the results show to pick up Tamyra's management option, I'm not shedding tears over her ejection. Well, not anymore. Shut up. Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically warns us, "Tonight, the pressure mounts as the surviving three realize that one mistake could be their last." Unless you're Nikki, of course.
Credits. This week's nicknames are courtesy of ABBA, because I saw Mamma Mia! last weekend, and now half of the songs are stuck in my head. Ryan "Does Your Mother Know?" Seacrest and Brian "Should I Laugh Or Cry?" Dunkleman head out from the back of the stage to The Octagon of Judgment. In the audience, Nikki, Justin, and Kelly fans live together in perfect harmony with side-by-side signs. There's also a sign from a Randy fan, as well as one that reads, "Dunkleman for President. Simon for Queen." So clearly, Brian was at least able to rent a friend for the evening. Black and Decker greet the cheering audience and introduce themselves. Brian says, "I am a Dunkleman. Wouldn't you like to beat a Dunkleman, too?" Yes, yes I would. Thanks for asking. Oh, I misheard; he asked if I wanted to be a Dunkleman. Ew. Get away.
Tonight, the remaining finalists will sing one song of their own choice and one song chosen by the judges. Unless they really didn't like that song the judges choose, in which case the judges will choose a totally different song. Or so I've heard. Black and Decker introduce Kelly, Nikki, and Justin, who come out to greet the cheering crowd. After the kids file back off, Black and Decker introduce the judges by pointing out that it's essentially a "three on three" match, what with the number of finalists equaling the number of judges. They suggest that Justin should be able to "handle" Randy "On And On And On" Jackson. That would be like seeing Ichabod Crane taking on Shaquille O'Neal. They continue that Nikki could take on Paula "Dancing Queen" Abdul. She'd kick Paula's ass in about three whole seconds, and then Paula would have an excuse to get her prescription for painkillers refilled. Brian makes a loathsome comment about really wanting to see Nikki and Paula take each other on. Ryan concludes that Kelly could take on Simon "Hole In Your Soul" Cowell. He starts explaining that Kelly should "take Simon from behind, take her hand, and squeeze his nnnnnn…knees." Ah, I see Ryan has been getting some action again. Clearly, Simon wasn't able to steal Christina away from her fiancé. Hopefully, this will calm Ryan down a bit.
Yay! We don't get a stupid clip show this evening to pad out the hour and to explain to us what individual clip shows we're going to get before each performer. Instead, Black and Decker introduce Nikki "Under Attack" McKibbin to the crowd. There are still individual clip shows for the performers, though. Last week, they sent our three finalists back home, so we can watch huge crowds of people adore them. Because we don't see that during the performances or anything. I guess we don't get to see people shriek at them outside, so this is different. Nikki heads back to Dallas, where people throw rotten vegetables at her and boo her for outlasting Tamyra. Just kidding. Folks in the media may be investing in sackcloth and ashes, but Nikki's got plenty of fans who don't feel remotely guilty. She hangs out with Utterly Interchangeable DJs 345 and 346 at Cookie Cutter Radio Station 724 and answers calls from fans. Some guy calls in to tell us all how he used to skip school with Nikki. We meet Nikki's mom, and though I'm legally allowed to make "white trash" jokes for the same reason I'm allowed to make gay jokes, I won't. I'll just say that Nikki's mom, who I'm sure is a wonderful woman, looks as though she's been forced to live every day twice. Mom says that she has always told Nikki she can do or be anything she wanted to be. Nikki is interviewed by Local Morning News Show Clone Host 212, who invites Nikki to spray-color some of her hair purple. Nikki goes back to the karaoke bar she used to work at and signs autographs. She tells the camera that no matter how famous she becomes, she'll always go back home. Then they show her sliding down a playground slide for some reason.
Nikki heads out to The Octagon to sing her own choice of song for the evening, "Edge Of Seventeen." She's wearing a black vest and mid-cut white blouse, and black-and-white chessboard-patterned pants.
You know, it's funny; after I heard her sing this song the first time, I was prepared to pick it to pieces, but hearing it again, I kind of like it. I had originally felt as though it was a "cookie-cutter" performance, but listening to it again, it really isn't. She's hitting the same range as Stevie Nicks and is going for a similar style in her vocals, but her delivery of the verses really is different from Stevie's. She's not punching the same words the same way. But when she gets to the chorus, she does go into pure karaoke, singing everything exactly as Stevie did, including the extraneous oohs. And yeah, she needs to do something about all that pointing, and those nails, and that smile, and that head snap. There really is a little bit of beauty pageant in Nikki as well, rock edge and wild hair or not. And the worst part? No twirling. Dammit. Overall, if I heard Nikki singing this on the radio, I wouldn't turn the station.
Judges. Randy: Bleh. Paula: Blah. Simon: Eh. Well, they say a little more than that, but that's the gist. Randy says it sounded like karaoke. Paula says Nikki did a good job, but blathers on about Stevie's "identifiable voice" and how Nikki needs to find her own voice. In other words, it sounded like karaoke. Simon snarks that Paula is starting to become "unpleasant." Shut up, Simon. Simon has absolutely nothing to say about Nikki's performance, other than that it was "all right." The audience cheers for Nikki anyway as she heads up to Black and Decker. Blah blah blah votecakes.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan is out in the audience, camera-whoring. He's got some poor little girl with him, holding a sign that reads "Justin shake u'r [sic] bon-bon." Ryan bugs this poor girl until she admits that she's referring to Justin's butt. Ryan loves the butt. Tell us how straight you are some more, Ryan.
This serves as a segue to Justin "I'm A Marionette" Guarini's first performance. In the clip show, we see the entire city of Philadelphia gathered to greet Justin at City Hall. The mayor gives him the key to the city. Many, many women there hope that it unlocks their bedroom doors. There's more corporate synergy as Justin is interviewed at FOX's Local Morning News Show Clone 226. Justin tells the camera how cool and awesome everything is. Justin is forced to eat Philly cheese steak on-camera. There's a law that any non-local coverage of Philadelphia requires a shot of somebody eating a cheese steak. He goes home to his family and hangs out with a bunch of unidentified people. He plays with little kids in the yard. Justin says that Philadelphia helped make him who he is and he can't wait to come back again.
Justin heads to The Octagon of Judgment to sing Al Green's "Let's Stay Together." Now that's a good eye-fucking song. He's wearing a shirt that looks like it's made of rough leather or possibly abused suede, and jeans. Justin's singing is pretty on tonight. He's got the crooning going, the occasional head bob, the occasional eye-fuck. The charisma is back working the room again. He shows off some upper range, something that has been troubling him the last few weeks. There are some great held notes. Overall, it's nearly a performance worth giving him his (Eeeeeeee!) back. However, we're just going to have to wait to see the response to Kelly's performances first.
Judges. Randy says that it was the best song that Justin has done in the competition. Paula. Gah. Oy. Paula has "two words" for Justin: "Phe" and "nominal." I've got two words for you, Paula: "Re" and "hab." Also: "fashion" and "disaster." And finally: "Shut" and "up." She adds that she has two words for Simon, too, but she won't say them on television. It's probably "more" and "pills." Simon responds that Paula said three words to him last night: "I love you, Simon." Sigh. He turns his attention to Justin and thanks him for not dancing. Heh. Then he agrees with Randy that this was Justin's best performance so far. Everybody cheers. Justin heads up to Black and Decker, who just have to bring up Justin's bon-bon again. Of course, Justin didn't shake his bon-bon at all this performance, and the judges made a point of mentioning it, so shut up, Black and Decker. Blah blah blah votecakes.
Commercials. When we return, the tech people forget to turn Ryan's mic on, so his lips move, but nothing comes out. Ah, that's my favorite Black and Decker moment so far. Eventually, Ryan explains to us all about tomorrow's one-hour results show, except he screws it up and Brian has to correct him. Math is for those old fogeys at CBS.
up is Kelly "Honey, Honey" Clarkson (Eeeeeeee!). In her clip show, she does her media blitz at Cookie Cutter Radio Station 423 and another FOX Local Morning News Show Clone. She zips around backstage somewhere on a Razor scooter. She films a promo for the local FOX affiliate, but messes up. She meets Donny Osmond. Ew. Tons of people gather to see Kelly and her amazing (Eeeeeeee!). She heads back to her hometown of Burleston, Texas, wearing too much make-up, and thinking that the town's too "laid back" to think Kelly's success is a big deal. Eh, her wide-eyed innocence is starting to grate. She's seen the reactions to her performances, in the news and at the Teen Choice Awards. Why did she get all made up if she thinks nobody's going to be there? Of course, she goes back to her high school, and there are cheering people everywhere, holding signs and shouting, "Eeeeeeeeeeee!" People fill the school's gym for some sort of pep rally for Kelly (Eeeeeeee!). She tells the camera that she was shocked at the response. Kelly's friends say they knew she'd be a celebrity someday. Kelly's equally cute parents say that even if she becomes a celebrity, she'll always just be Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) to them. The clip show couldn't be any cuter if they had stuck ten seconds of kittens frolicking in the middle of it.
Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) hits The Octagon to sing Celine Dion's "Think Twice." I'm very disappointed to see that Kelly has gotten her hair styled into an out-of-date Rachel cut with even more blonde highlights. I imagine, given the comments that have been made in the media about Kelly's weight, that somebody played on her esteem issues and made her think it would make her face look thinner. It does, but it also makes her look so blah. It's like the same thing that happened to Tamyra. Damn the Hollywood style machine! Damn it! She's also wearing a black dress with brown patterns on it that isn't quite as ugly as it sounds.
"Think Twice" is a lesser-known Celine song, and that's probably for a reason. It's a little low-key and has a country twang to it. Or at least, that's how Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) is singing it. The belting starts up about halfway through the song. And there's belting. Lots of belting. For some variety, there's…nothing. It's just more belting. Her voice is strong and note-perfect, but I'm starting to get really tired of the belting. There's a law of diminishing returns that happens with performers who wail out songs. In order to prevent the performances from becoming stale, a belter really has to out-sing her own performances, holding notes higher and longer each time. Eventually, Celine Dion is going to perform a song that consists of her singing a note that only bats can hear and holding it for three minutes. I don't think that Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) is aware of how popular her rendition of "Stuff Like That There" was. It had some belting in it, but also had a ton of personality and showed that she was more than just a girl who could sing really high notes really well. But other than that song, she's been more about belts than one of those little accessory stores at the mall. Anyway, the audience loves it and gives her a standing ovation.
Judges. Randy starts off by saying that he didn't like the song, and the crowd starts to drown him out with boos. He begs them to stop, because he's not done with his statement. The "but" part of his statement is that Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) wailed the heck out of the song anyway and that he loved her singing. Paula thinks she's clever by working in the song title when she says that nobody has to "think twice" about how talented a singer Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) is. She agrees with Randy that it was a boring song, but Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) sang it beautifully. Simon agrees that Justin picked a better song than Kelly (Eeeeeeee!), but adds that she's a much better singer than him. The crowd shrieks in approval. Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) heads up to Black and Decker, who give the blah blah blah votecakes. Brian calls Ryan giddy as he throws us to commercials. Ryan pushes Brian off his stool, unfortunately into Kelly's lap. I bet Brian put Ryan up to that as some sort of trick to allow him to feel up a girl.
Commercials. When we return, Black and Decker remind us of the upcoming tour. Apparently, they've finally gotten their act together and are announcing some more dates. So if you don't get enough mediocre singing from your radio, you may want to check it out.
Now it's time for the finalists to sing the judges' choices for them. Black and Decker re-introduce Nikki back out to sing "Black Velvet." She heads out to The Octagon wearing a black lace-up blouse with the sleeves ripped off, dark jeans, and a black wrap.
Now this really is a karaoke performance; the phrasing, the ornamentation -- everything -- is sung exactly the way it sounds in the original rendition. I know I defended Nikki a few weeks ago with her rendition of "Heartbreaker," because that song is fast and pretty tight, without much room for reinterpretation. "Black Velvet" is more lyric-driven and bluesy, and there are so many ways that Nikki could put her own touch on the song, but she doesn't. On the other hand, how exactly do you reinterpret this song? It's about Elvis fans. It sounds sexy, but the lyrics aren't really that evocative and don't engage the listener, so really, there's not much that can be done with it. Did I just say "engage the listener"? Sorry. In addition, the way they cut parts of the song out to fit their timetable is awkward and distracting. Rather than cutting out entire verses like they normally do, they've cut out half a verse here and half a verse there. It almost sounds like a record skipping a couple of times. All in all, it's like a rock-blues version of an R.J. performance: technically fine, but without any depth or feeling.
Judges. Randy: Bleh. Paula: Blah. Simon: Eh. Randy mentions that it was a great "song choice" for Nikki, because -- get it? -- the judges picked it for her. Hardy har har. If you don't get the joke, don't worry. In Randy fashion, it will be coming up again. He thought Nikki's performance was merely okay. Paula gives mild compliments about how Nikki performed the song well. Simon says that her rendition was good, but she didn't add anything of her own to the song. She just sang what was there. In other words: karaoke.
Nikki heads up to Black and Decker, who are now faced with the task of filling up the extra time that used to be taken up with clip shows. They ask Nikki if she has any responses to the judges' comments. Nikki explains that for their choice of song, the kids were supposed to pick somebody who was their personal idol and perform one of their numbers. She explains that she wasn't trying to sound like Stevie Nicks, even though some drunks at the karaoke bar she used to work at told Nikki that she sounds a lot like Stevie. Nikki also explains that she chose Stevie because it was an "honor" to sing one of her songs. Nikki does sound a little like Stevie, but without the vibrato, and the technical precision, and the years of life experience that she needs to sell the songs that she's choosing. But a little bit, yes. Black and Decker give the blah blah blah votecakes.
Commercials. Cell phones with video games in them. Aren't those things distracting enough already?
When we return, we get a quick glimpse of the hair and make-up people who keep our Ryan looking oh-so-hetero. He shoos them off the stage as Brian pretends that he just rushed back in from going to the bathroom. Thump! Be more…oh, I give up. Black and Decker will never be funny. Ever.
up is Justin, singing the song the judges chose for him, Elton John's "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me." Justin heads out to The Octagon in a sleek navy pinstriped suit. This? Was not a good song to give Justin. Justin does not belt; he croons. He doesn't have the sort of vocal strength to really do this song justice. Breathiness intrudes into his singing as he tries to push his limits. It's not an awful performance, but it really shows Justin's limitations as a singer. If he's smart, there will be no Diane Warren-esque songs on his album. And I find it ironic that the judges, after pushing Justin to stick to the sexy R&B numbers, had him take on a song that defies his natural charisma. Still, the audience loved it. Of course. Justin's dad, Eldrin, goes wild in the audience. Add shots of Justin's dad going wild to the drinking game, if you haven't already.
Judges. Randy: "Great song choice." Shack: "God! Shut up!" Randy thinks Justin did a great job with the song. Paula says that tonight was Justin's best night in the competition. Eldrin goes wild in the audience. Simon says that this is the first night in the top ten shows where he's looked at Justin and thought, "American Idol." Yeah, except for after the very first round of finals, when Simon told him that he was going to be bigger than Justin Timberlake. Can we back off the damned hyperbole at least once? Everything is amazing, awful, or boring with him. Eldrin goes wild in the audience.
Justin heads up to Black and Decker, who ask him if he's "pissed" over whether or not Simon meant that he didn't think Justin was a potential idol before. Justin, knowing full well that Simon's statement was ten pounds of lie in a five-pound bag, humbly responds that any compliment from Simon is good. Ryan blathers on about Justin borrowing his suits or something and makes no sense at all. The sleeves of Ryan's jacket would probably stop somewhere around Justin's elbow. Blah blah blah votecakes.
Hey, who's up for some padding? Mmmm…padding. Tonight's [product-placed cola] clip show features images of the three finalists as kids. We see cute little baby pictures of Kelly (Eeeeeeee!), as her parents explain how she was always performing. We see clips of Nikki as a teenager, totally out-dorking Justin with some bad dance moves. It's not the Carlton, but it's pretty bad. Her mother says Nikki always loved to sing. We see some kiddie pictures of Justin, where his nose looks totally different. Some unidentified family member -- I don't think she's his mom -- explains that Justin has always had some sort of "aura" about him, even as a kid. It must be interesting to have your own charisma as your imaginary friend as a child. No wonder it knows how to work a room; it's had years of practice.
Commercials. Cars don't have a "stance." Shut up, Ford.
When we return, it's time for Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) to sing the judges' choice for her. They've chosen "Without You" for Kelly (Eeeeeeee!), a song that I completely and utterly detest. Each and every overwrought syllable. The song just smacks of background music for every thirteen-year-old girl crying her eyes out while writing in her diary about breaking up with her very first boyfriend. I just hate it so much. Also, I'm constantly confusing it with "All By Myself," which I also hate.
Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) heads out to The Octagon in a pretty red cocktail gown. She sounds terribly hoarse and flat at the beginning of the song, and I start to worry, but she pulls herself into belting mode by the time she gets to the first chorus. And then it's the Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) Channel: All belting, all the time. I don't know what to say anymore. I thought I'd never get tired of Kelly's singing, but I think I am. A couple of the notes, even though they weren't necessarily the wrong notes, made my ears hurt. The audience loves it, though, and gives her a standing ovation.
Judges. Randy blathers about how he worked with Mariah Carey with her cover of the song. The other judges have their usual bored responses to Randy's name-dropping. Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) gets points for telling Randy that she's jealous of him for getting to work with Mariah. At least she admits it. He says the judges gave her that song because it was a tough song, and they thought she could handle it. Rumor has it they actually gave her a different song entirely by Chaka Khan, but for some reason or another, she convinced them to change it. Randy concludes that Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) "did [her] thing." Paula says they were looking forward to Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) singing and that she "made the song [her] own." Simon says that she took on a tough song, then jokes, "I just wish the audience were with you tonight, though. They just don't appreciate good singers." You can't really tell on television how much those two lines are a joke, but from what I've read, the audiences just go crazy whenever Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) sings. We don't really get a sense of the true volume of it on the television. Simon says it was an amazing performance.
Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) heads up to Black and Decker, who ask her where her "head is at" and what she and the other finalists are feeling like at this point in the competition. She says that they're all kind of tired: "We all love singing and performing, but the competition is kind of getting old. So we're just waiting. You know, we all want to get started and everything on our careers." There are a number of ways to analyze those sentences that paint Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) in any sort of light you choose. I take it to mean that these kids are all in this competition for the exposure and the opportunity, and don't really care too much about winning some silly title. Considering that it turns out the winner isn't even really guaranteed a contract, or for that matter a single dime, I probably wouldn't care whether or not I won the actual title if I were one of these kids, either. For reasons known only to his dealer, Ryan gets up and pretends that he's going to get Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) a double espresso, leaving Brian to give the blah blah blah votecakes. Eventually, realizing that he's no longer on camera and therefore is in danger of being forgotten, Ryan returns. After some clips of the performances, Black and Decker remind us to tune in tomorrow for a show that is one hour long, yet will contain exactly seventy-nine seconds of new content.
But after cutting up all the songs and chucking out entire verses, they've got time to burn, so Black and Decker try to blather with the kids onstage and can't think of anything coherent to ask. How do the kids feel about their performances? Great. Um…okay…um…okay…um…are they sure they feel great? Yes, they do. Faced with Black and Decker's incompetence, somebody puts information about Bernie Mac's season premiere on the teleprompter for them to read off. Finally, Black and Decker send us off, but they're actually still about a minute short, so the theme song just plays while the camera pans around the stage and audience for a while. Justin sings along with the theme song. He dances like a goober, and Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) pushes him off The Octagon. Then Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) dances like a goober. Heh. Finally, the credits roll.
Wednesday. Melodramatic Announcer: "Tonight, one of these three finalists will be locked in a closet with Carrot Top, Gilbert Gottfried, Joan Rivers, and a cyanide capsule."
Credits. Black and Decker enter from one of the aisles in the audience again. The lighting people have finally figured out how to tone it down a bit so it doesn't hurt to look at the television. Ryan introduces this "specially extended" results show and indicates that he is "specially extended" as well. Maybe he should consider changing brands of lube. Oh, I'm sorry. The Taste Police gave me a citation for that one. Brian calls himself the "other white meat." Tired, stupid, rip-off joke. I'm not surprised. Blah blah blah, the two selected to move on to the final round will jet off to New York to present the new artist award to an obnoxious, untalented, artificial, manufactured Avril Lavigne. Black and Decker make a stupid joke about viewers being infected with "American Idol fever." Everybody's still too busy cheering to even hear the crappy joke. Lucky them. Then Black and Decker lie to us that eighty-five million people have called in since the contest began. There's a famous saying from economists and statisticians: "If you torture numbers long enough, they'll confess to anything." No, eighty-five million people have not called in. Eighty-five million votes have been cast. Given the repeat dialing and use of technology, I would hazard a guess that no more than three million people have actually called in.
Black and Decker then take a moment to introduce all the American Idol rejects sitting in the front row. There's Christina, EJay, R.J., A.J., Jim, Brad, and Adriel. A.J. is dressed like a pimp in winter. Stee has a great rant in one of his recent Road Rules recaps about how these reality-show participants are deluding themselves into thinking that their television appearances are just the first step on the road to fame. These kids are going to be even worse; I'm sure they all think that making it to the final thirty in this competition is proof that they're actually talented enough to be famous if they try hard enough, and they're never going away. Ever.
, it's time to reintroduce the judges. When Black and Decker get to Simon, Ryan holds up a tiny black T-shirt and tells Simon that he left it "in make-up." Brian makes an icky comment that he'd like to see Paula wearing it "right now." Everybody ignores him. Everybody. Ryan's standing right to him, pretending that Brian doesn't exist. Now that there are only three finalists, they've dragged the swirl couch out of Pimp Central to the stage for the kids to sit on. The crowd cheers as they're introduced.
Recap clip show of last night's performances. Everybody loved Kelly (Eeeeeeee!). Everybody went "eh" at Nikki. Everybody loved Justin. Justin's dad went nuts in the audience. Back in the now, Black and Decker introduce the three finalists performing "Love Will Keep Us Together." This is the part where I cover my face with my hands. Whose idea was it for them to sing this song? I'm sure the kids deserve to have fun with a nice, cheesy song that doesn't overly tax them, but couldn't they have picked something that doesn't cause all my cringe muscles to contract and curl me into the fetal position? Justin gets the first solo, while Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) and Nikki run up behind him and dance dorkily. The three of them sound awful together. Nikki gets a verse and is terribly flat, of course. Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) belts out a verse, while Nikki and Justin sing some terribly off-key "la la la la"s in the background. The kids do some dance moves while trying to keep from cracking up at the pure cheesiness of it all. It's just awful, but the kids enjoyed it, so fine. Nobody cares about me. I'll just sit over here and wash the blood out of my ears. Out in the audience, Black and Decker point out that love won't keep the kids together, because somebody's getting ejected tonight. Do they pick these songs just so Brian can make comments like that?
Commercials. When we return, now that the show has made me cringe, it's time to make me cry. It's time for fifty minutes of filler. Black and Decker remind us about the premiere of Bernie Mac, because what else have they got to say? Why don't they just read a list of all the fall premiere dates while they're up there? They're getting to the stupid [product-placed car] skit early tonight, again featuring more of Ryan's desperate camera-hogging. Ryan tries to walk onto the studio lot, but is stopped by a "guard." The "guard" doesn't recognize Ryan and can't find his name on the "list." Kelly drives up in her "car," and the guard waves her through, complimenting her on her performance. Ryan tries to get her to vouch for him, but she ignores him. Ryan and the "guard" argue some more. Nikki drives up in her own "car," and the "guard" compliments her on her hair as he waves her through. Ryan and the "guard" "argue" some more. Justin drives up in his "car," and the guard compliments him on how all the ladies love him. He drives off without "helping" Ryan. The "guard" refuses to let Ryan in, and Ryan walks off, pissed, shouting back "threats" at the guard. Then Ryan is run over by an angry recapper in a green '96 Saturn who simply couldn't take another moment of this awful, awful crap. Only one more week of this. Thank God.
Back on the stage, Black and Decker sit on the swirl couch to start the lengthy clip shows that will chronicle the "journeys" of each of the three remaining contestants. First up is Nikki, who heads back out onstage to join them. She's wearing an orange shirt and jeans. They all sit on the couch and chat. Black and Decker mention that on every results show where Nikki has ended up on The Octagon as a possible ejectee, she told them during the commercial break that she's sure it would be the night she gets sent home. They ask her how she feels about tonight. She gracefully says that she has no idea what's going to happen, but feels good about her performances last night.
Now it's time for Nikki's "This Is Your Life" clip show. Or rather, her "This Was Your Last Three Months" clip show. Nikki belts "Total Eclipse Of The Heart" to make it to the finals. Wow, her hair really has changed throughout the competition. I guess I never really noticed. Simon originally told her she was one of the strongest singers in the competition, but then the wheels fell off: she sang "Ben," poorly; the judges weren't happy; she ended up on The Octagon as a potential rejectee four times in a row. They show clips of each trip, because the editors are so very classy. She turned the judges back around to her side last week with her performances of "Mary Jane" and "I'm The Only One." They show Nikki beating out Tamyra, the audience booing, and Nikki crying about it. So very classy are the show's editors.
Now that they've literally treated Nikki like the red-headed stepdaughter of the competition, they ask her to sing for us one more time. Ryan introduces her to the crowd by telling us that it may be her last performance on American Idol (classy!), and that she will be singing "Black Velvet" for us again. She just performed this last night. Can't you cut me a break? Well, I'll cut you one; it's another karaoke clone performance. It sounds just like last night's performance. Well, consistency isn't entirely a bad thing, as long as it's a good consistency. Like Ryan Starr, I think Nikki would probably do fine if she's given songs written just for her.
Commercials. When we return, blah blah blah tourcakes. Now it's time for the Justin retrospective. Justin heads out in a shiny black shirt and jeans. Jealous Ryan fondles Justin's shirt. Can somebody buy Ryan a suit that fits? Just because he acts like a twelve-year-old boy doesn't mean he should wear a suit that would fit one. It turns out that the whole Justin interview is going to be about Justin's energetic dad, Eldrin. They ask him what sort of advice his father gave him. Justin says his dad told him to always smile, because "even if they're running you out of town, if you smile, it will make you look like you're leading a parade." Awwww. At that, Ryan takes a microphone and runs out to the audience to do what Black and Decker do best: that is, stomp all the energy and humor out of something that was previously fun and entertaining. If nobody's going to laugh at Black and Decker, they're going to do their best to drain the life out of anything on the show that's genuinely funny. Ryan heads over to Eldrin in the audience and makes him stand up and pretend that he's dancing to one of Justin's songs. Of course, he looks like an idiot, and not in a fun way, because there's no music playing and it's very forced. Black and Decker suck so much.
And now, clips of everything about Justin that you've already seen. Actually, I should go back to Justin (Eeeeeeee!) for these first parts. Justin (Eeeeeeee!) seduces Paula in the auditions. He makes Paula faint in the first round of finals. But then he gets too big for his britches and blows off mild criticism from Simon. The (Eeeeeeee!) goes bye-bye. He apologizes for his comments, but still ends up in the bottom three the following week. But he survived and started working his way back toward the general direction of the (Eeeeeeee!).
Back on the swirl couch, Black and Decker bring up some "rumor," which they just totally made up right there, that Justin is going to cut his hair if he makes it to the final round. They bring up this "rumor" entirely to make people in the audience shriek over Justin's hair, and so he can deny it. There is no rumor. I hate Black and Decker so much. And now very, very recent history will repeat itself as Justin performs "Let's Stay Together" for us one more time. It's typical Justin, with solid crooning and eye-fucking. It's just as good as it was last night. Paula and Randy dance in the audience. Justin's dad goes wild. The audience cheers.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan has a freaking spazz attack and leaps up into the air like he just sat on a cactus. Brian cowers at the edge of the swirl couch to keep away from the drug-addled lunatic. I'd almost feel sorry for Brian if I didn't hate him so much. Now it's time for the Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) retrospective. She heads out to the swirl couch in a burgundy shirt and blue jeans with a burgundy sash for a belt. They ask Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) about her new hairstyle. Seriously. This is how they choose to spend the extra half-hour they've been given. She talks about her highlights. Brian says that he paints his hair. Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) responds with a fake smile plastered on her face, "Do you? That's great." Wow, even Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) hates the Dunk. How sad do you have to be for Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) to hate you?
For Kelly's clip show, they replay the clip of her switching spots with Randy. There's still no context, though, so we still don't have any idea how it happened. She belts "Respect." Black and Decker narrate, "From the top, it was clear that she was top-ten material." Oh, was it really? Why is it, then, that Simon couldn't even remember who she was? Oh, they don't show that clip. But hey, what's a little revisionist history between friends? Just because Simon seriously, seriously misjudged somebody's talent and appeal, that isn't evidence that he's not as great a music executive as he thinks he is or anything. Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) belts some more. Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) gets her first stalker. Haven't seen him much lately. Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) belts some more. And more. For some reason they don't show the performance on big band night that landed her the (Eeeeeeee!) Justin lost. They try to convince us that Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) had some "close calls," using the relatively minor criticism Randy gave her on Bacharach night as "proof." Black and Decker narrate that Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) is the only finalist who has never even been at risk of ejection.
Back at the swirl couch, Black and Decker ask Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) how she's grown during the competition. She explains that she's grown from learning how all the scheduling and technical issues and mad preparations for a television performance work. They ask her if she ever gets nervous. She says she doesn't; she pretends that she's in her bedroom, singing in her mirror. And that's exactly what all her fans pretend, too, when they visualize her hanging out and performing at their slumber parties. They send Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) back out to The Octagon to sing "Without You" for us again. She's much, much better tonight than she was last night. She's more solid on the lower part of her range and the higher notes. She's getting standing ovations from the audience during the performance. After she's done, Black and Decker join her out on The Octagon and lie to us that we'll find out which of these three contestants didn't get enough votes for the final round after this commercial break. They're lying liars who lie.
Commercials. When we return, the three kids are all up on The Octagon with Black and Decker. They repeat the judges' comments. Nikki: "Eh." Justin: "Yay!" Kelly: "Eeeeeee!" And then they send us to commercials again. See? Lies.
Commercials. Inexplicably, the local FOX news affiliate is using American Idol as a segue for a story about somebody with local roots who also became a big star: Kevin Kline. Morons.
When we return, again, it's time for the big announcement. But first, let's see if we can add some more of that special FOX brand of "class" to the show. Black and Decker point out that Randy said last week that the voters got it "wrong" last week when Tamyra didn't get enough votes to continue in the competition. They ask the judges what would the "right" result be tonight. Do these eejits think that we don't know that the judges want to be rid of Nikki? It's not even so much that this question is rude as it is insulting to our intelligence. Randy refuses to fall for the bait, and answers that he hopes the voters chose who they thought was the best performer. Paula gives even less of an answer by simply agreeing with Randy and calling them all stars. Simon bluntly responds that the voters got it "right" if Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) and Justin are the two finalists. God, what a prick. I can't wait for Simon to discover that he's as much of a flavor of the month as these singers may be and slink away into obscurity sometime year. I don't think Randy's answer avoided the issue at all. There's a difference between being "honest" and being "an asshole," just as there's a difference between being "politically incorrect" and being "a bigot." Everybody who watches the show knows what Randy meant, and he said it without insulting anyone. There's a whole range of answers between Paula's ridiculous, incoherent non-criticisms and Simon's idiotic hyperbole. I'm annoyed even further by Simon's recent claims that people in England were "outraged" at the results of the British version of the show. No, Simon, you were outraged, because you didn't like the guy who won, and you obviously suffer from a narcissistic personality disorder and simply can't swallow the possibility that you've ever misjudged anything or anyone, so now you're probably going to sink his career just to prove yourself right.
Whoops. You never know when a Shack rant may just thwap you right in the face. Hell, half the time I don't know until it comes out. Anyway, Simon does not have to suffer the ego-shattering indignity of being wrong. After five near-misses, Nikki McKibbin is finally eliminated from the competition. People in the audience start cheering, and lest I descend into another rant, I'm going to assume that they're cheering because Nikki made it so far in the competition. Justin and Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) each give her big hugs, and the audience gives her a standing ovation. Nikki's eyes glisten, but she manages to hold back tears as she thanks the audience and her fans for her "incredible journey." She says it means more than anything in the world to have had all these fans and supporters. Poor Kristin Holt, outclassed in every sense of the word by a lower-class single mom with wild hair and tattoos. No wonder Kristin hated her. She could never stack up to Nikki.
And even though we just saw a Nikki clip show a half hour ago, we're going to get another one anyway. Nikki auditions. She hugs little Tristen. She sings in slow motion. She says all the support she has gotten is "amazing." She's locked inside a [product-placed car]. Seriously, they show that in her clip show. She practices with Bacharach and repeats her comment about bringing rock-and-roll into everything she sings. She carries housing siding. She says it doesn't matter whether or not she becomes famous; she's never going to give up on her music. Aww. Sniff! Yes, I'm one of those people who liked Nikki's personality more than her singing.
Back at the stage, the applause continues. Black and Decker ask the judges for any final comments. Randy gives the same speech he gives to every ejected finalist and tells her to keep chasing her dream. Somebody gave Paula a coherence injection during the clip show, and she articulately praises Nikki for never compromising who she is or patronizing the competition. She continues that, ultimately, that might have hurt Nikki's chances in the competition, but hopes that it will end up propelling her into "superstardom." Seriously, what happened to our whacked-out Paula? I'm scared and confused. Simon starts by saying "reality check," causing me to cringe in fear, but then continues by telling Nikki that she came in third out of ten thousand people, and that now isn't a time for tears. Oh, he doesn't mean Nikki there. He's done with Nikki. He means everybody else. He takes this moment to talk about what a great final round we're going to have week, because Nikki won't be there, and praises Kelly's performance of "Without You" tonight. The cameramen, not realizing that Simon had finished giving Nikki lip service a few seconds ago, still focus on her face. We see a shot of Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) looking slightly horrified at Simon. Black and Decker try to get Simon back on track by asking him what Nikki should do . He encourages her to hold her head up high, and throws in at the end that she's got "a career ahead of her." But if the tone of his voice is any indication, it's not with him. I'm sure she's not going to be shedding any tears over that.
Black and Decker send Nikki over to her family, who have been brought up to the swirl couch. And then they turn their attentions to Justin and Kelly, who will be battling it out for the final vote. Note that I left the (Eeeeeeee!) off Kelly's name there. That's on purpose. Considering that the two finalists who have possessed the (Eeeeeeee!) at various points of the competition are going head-to-head now, it seems only fair to set it aside and give it as some sort of TWoP award to the one of them who ends up taking home the title of "American Idol."