By Shack
Tuesday: Ryan "You're So Vain" Seacrest greets us and introduces us to tonight's semifinalists and their endless rows of shiny giant teeth. Clearly the big winners in the general public's desperate pursuit of fame are America's orthodontists.
Credits. When we return, Ryan is standing on the Seal of Tsathoggua, feeding us pick-up lines and trying to get us to come back to his place. Sorry, Ryan, I prefer my men to be…men, you know? Plus, I don't know anybody important in Hollywood, so sleeping with me won't get you anywhere. Ryan heads over and introduces us to Simon "Tired Of You" Cowell, Paula "Crazy Town" Abdul, and Randy "Bacon Fat" Jackson. Simon calls Ryan the "Lorenzo Llama [sic] of reality TV." What? Is that supposed to make sense somewhere? Even if he had gotten the name right, I believe Lorenzo Lamas is the Lorenzo Lamas of reality television. Did he retain Paula's "joke" "writer"? Then Simon teases Ryan some more by replaying the Studdard manwich from last week in super-slow motion. Ryan says he "took it like a man." I'm sure that's not the first time he's bragged with that line. Simon declares Ryan to be pathetic and "showed in front of twenty-five million people that [he is] a woman." Well, I say we see how Simon reacts when he's crushed between two 300-pound men, just for fun. Repeatedly. Let's see how "manly" he is. And thanks for bringing the misogynistic non-sequiturs, too. Actually, I take it back. Let's see how Simon reacts when he's crushed between two 300-pound women. Ryan responds that he's been showing us all that he's a woman for the past year. Whatever. Making your own gay jokes isn't going to convince us that you're straight.
Ryan reminds us that two people from tonight's group will be joining Julia, Charles, Ruben, and Kimberley in the finals. He gives us the blah blah blah text-message-cakes as he heads over to Pimp Central to greet the kids and their families. Ryan expresses relief that nobody in this group can injure him. Actually, I'm sure three-quarters of the contestants are capable of snapping Ryan like a twig, and that has nothing to do with their weight.
First up is Kimberly Kelsey. She was the one who had the fight with her mom on the phone during the Glendale auditions right before she had to go sing. That's not much of a gimmick, but it's apparently all she's got. In her interview, she tells us she had a hard time figuring out which song to sing. She says she picked a harder song to sing because of Simon's comments about "stepping up the game" or "raising the game" or "sticking the game in a rocket and launching it into space" or whatever they're talking about.
Kimberly heads out to the Seal of Tsathoggua in the first of three "sexy witch" outfits we'll be seeing tonight. I hope that's not the latest trend. She's wearing a brown dress with a ragged hem at the bottom and sleeves that don't seem to be attached. She's going to sing "It's All Coming Back To Me Now." Celine. Yuck. Kimberly's meh. She's got a thin, high voice without a lot of range, like many of the more interchangeable female pop stars out there. She's not bad or anything; she's just dull.
Judges. Paula says she didn't expect a "pop" voice coming from Kimberly. Oh, did I forget to mention that Kimberly is not white and is therefore expected to have either a bluesy or hip-hop voice? I guess I forgot everything I learned in my "Promoting Ethnic Stereotypes In Music" seminar. Paula liked her, though (surprise!), and calls her singing "refreshing." Randy thought it was "cool" and "a'ight." Yes, that's how he says it. Simon thinks Kimberly is good, but is capable of much better. He thought there was just something off about her performance.
Kimberly thanks them all and heads back to Pimp Central. Ryan brings up Kimberly's mom again because it's her thing, and Mom, of course, is sitting over with the families. He's hoping for another fight. But as usual with kids these days, Kimberly has since discovered that Mom was right all along. Ryan asks Mom if Kimberly's hardheaded. Mom replies, "She's eighteen!" in a "Duh!" voice. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Jordan Segundo, who is wearing a sweater with a zipper that goes down his shoulder blade instead of down the front. I think that may replace the pink triangle as the newest gay symbol. Jordan is from Hawaii and tells us his mom is his biggest fan. In the auditions, Jordan gave Simon something that is allegedly a lei, but looks nothing like those incredibly fake-looking bright pink or orange things you see people get on those episodes of television sitcoms where the whole family goes to Hawaii and has wacky adventures involving spies. Nonetheless, the gift prompts Randy to joke that Simon just got "lei'd" by a guy. Jordan says he's going for a GQ look. Aim, higher, dude -- you landed on Details instead. He tells us he's going to make Hawaii and his mom proud.
Jordan hits the Seal in his Incredibly Gay Sweater and khakis. He's singing "For Your Love" tonight, and like Kimberly, his voice is okay and he's a total meh. And what is with the head-tilt thing? Is that supposed to be romantic or sexy or something? Is it sweet when a guy sings while his head is resting on his own shoulder? Stand up straight! Your head will get stuck that way and then you'll never be able to do anything except be a zombie in the video for "Thriller." Or in that creepy thing Michael Jackson made for Halloween about him trying to convince a bunch of townspeople that their children were safe around him. Yeah, that worked out. Actually, he was less scary as a demonic undead sorcerer than his actual personage. Where were we? Oh, yeah. Jordan. In conclusion: Meh.
Judges. Randy says that Jordan was a little "pitchy," but was good. Simon says that Jordan was technically good, but he has no "spark." He says that Jordan was like a dead fish on a slab when it came to presence and personality. Actually, with that head tilt, he reminded me of those whole ducks with the broken necks you find sometimes at certain grocery stores. This is the goriest contestant recap ever, isn't it? Paula says that Jordan did sing well, but sort of fell a little flat. Simon suggests Jordan do a few cartwheels on the way back to Pimp Central. Or maybe walk up the wall. The zombies did that on that Michael Jackson special. Well, if nobody on this show is going to be coherent, then why should I?
Jordan heads back to Pimp Central. Ryan repeats Simon's comments about the fish on the slab thing. He asks Jordan if perhaps he was "thinking too much" when he was singing or whatever. Jordan blathers a non-response and says he was feeling the song and he hopes America did, too. America was feeling around in the back of its refrigerator out of boredom to see if those Chinese leftovers were still good. Sorry, Jordan. If it makes you feel any better, I liked you more than the three-day-old cashew chicken I found. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
up is Liza Minnelli as Frenchy in Grease. Oh wait, that's Vanessa Olivarez. Vanessa is wearing a thing. It looks like a leopard-print negligee with pink trim. And she has her hair dyed magenta, but not with the fake Mohawk this evening. She's also got a ribbon tied around her neck. In an interview, she tells us that she loves flashy clothing. Just like Liza. She tells the stylist that she worries that all the chemicals have gotten to her brain. Just like Liza. She reminds us she sang "Bohemian Rhapsody" at the auditions. She jumps on top of Ryan, who is lying prone on the floor with his legs spread. Too easy. Just like Ryan! She reminds us that she's wacky and zany, but can sing, too. Just like Liza!
Vanessa hits the Seal to sing Irene Cara's "Out Here On My Own." She's got a nice solid voice. She's a little bit nasal, but unlike everybody else in the competition so far (with the exception of J.D.), she can hold a note steady without having to resort to ornamentation. Overall, I think she's a very good performer, but I can see how her personality may grate. Yes, you're wacky and zany. You don't have to be wacky every single moment of every single day. Actually, the singing might serve to calm down her personality, because she's not wacky and zany when she's singing.
Judges. Randy loves the whole package -- hair, look, sound and all. Paula compares Vanessa's personality and performance style to Bette Midler. Bette's one of Vanessa's favorites and she's terribly flattered. Well, I picked a different gay icon to compare her to. Deal with it. Simon loves her performance and her look and her personality and blah blah blah, but he thinks she could stand to lose a few pounds. As Randy exclaims his disbelief, Vanessa responds, "It's okay. I know I have a big butt. But it worked for J.Lo." Can I just say here that I never, ever thought J.Lo had a larger than normal ass? I never saw that. I never understood that whole thing. She's always seemed as skinny as everybody else in Hollywood to me. And I think it was the running around almost naked in public that worked for J.Lo. Anyway, Vanessa turns around and waves her ass at the judges. Then she runs up to the table, does that fist bap thing with Randy and Paula, and turns around and waves her ass at Simon some more. Everybody cheers her on. Simon bizarrely responds, "It was a compliment." What? Simon, what did I tell you about drinking out of Paula's glass? Even if it's true, there's no reading of "you need to lose weight" that can be classified as a compliment. Simon clarifies that he thinks she should work out more. But he doesn't mean it in a "rude" way. Vanessa actually agrees and says that it's her own goal as well. It all peters out, finally.
Vanessa heads back to Pimp Central, where Ryan points out that whole thing about Simon thinking he's complimenting Vanessa by telling her to lose weight. They laugh about it some more. Then Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes for us to vote for Vanessa. Or her butt. Apparently they're a package deal, though. You have to vote for both. Ryan sends us to the commercials by having Vanessa do an impression of Keith from the Atlanta auditions. She does nail his voice pretty well. Scary.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Rickey Smith. In his interview, he reminds us of the whole "Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!" shtick from The Nutty Professor, which didn't become completely tiresome five seconds after the very first exclamation, except that it completely did. There's an absolutely hysterical clip of Rickey practicing with vocal coach Debra Byrd and pianist Michael "Schroeder" Orland. As he sings "One Last Try," Debra and Schroeder join along with Rickey as he does that awful "miming along with the lyrics" thing. Nobody should draw tears on his cheek, ever, anywhere. Ever. Debra convinces Rickey to drop the hand gestures, which makes her pretty much a goddess in my book. Now she needs to get them to stop reaching out to the camera and tilting their heads sideways. Rickey does the Hercules shtick again, except that it's now "Vote for me! Vote for me!" Gah.
Rickey heads to the Seal wearing a red shirt and black cargo pants to sing "One Last Try." He has this falsetto that some might enjoy, but I find it entirely grating. And he changes the lyrics to "wishing all my feelings was gone." And he warbles around nearly every note. And he does some sort of E-Jay all-over-the-place run on some note at the end. I have a feeling that this guy is seriously going to start getting on my nerves in the finals.
Judges. Randy thought Rickey was good; he liked that wretched run at the end. Paula praises Rickey as well, causing him to slip into another Eddie Murphy character impersonation. Knock. It. Off. Simon says Rickey was just good. Nothing special. Rickey asks him what was bad about it. Nothing. It was good. Just good. Good? Good.
Rickey heads back to Pimp Central and does that vile "Hercules!" thing yet again. Ryan asks if there's anything Rickey would do to make his performance better. Rickey says he's going to tone down the falsetto and try holding more notes steady. I'm just kidding. He wouldn't change anything. Of course not. Rickey's mom shouts out praise for him. Blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. I just realized that I'm living an mLife. Kill me, please.
When we return, it's time for Samantha Cohen. Ryan tells us that during the commercial break, Samantha kept punching Ryan in the shoulder out of nervous excitement. Good. In her clip show, Samantha tells us that she's in college studying communications and philosophy. Her thing is that she was sick in the hospital the night before her first audition. But it apparently didn't matter. They show her schmoozing with Kristin "Gone" Holt, and the two of them could probably pass as twins. She tells us she picked "Something He Can Feel" because she loves the blues and Aretha. Oh, great. It's another Sorority Girl Sings The Blues thing coming, I can just feel it.
Samantha heads out to the Seal in another "sexy witch" outfit, with a brown, ragged dress and black thigh boots. She's even got a little pentagram necklace. What she doesn't have is a single ounce of soul. She's got that pageant smile plastered on her face the entire time. I know I mocked the whole "Ethnic Stereotypes In Music" thing, but Samantha is so painfully white and suburban that she has absolutely no way of selling this song. She's not giving anybody anything they can feel. She doesn't even know what that means. The whole idea of passion seems alien to her. Her dress also clings too tightly and makes her stomach stick out too much.
Judges. Simon blathers a bit on how he didn't think Ruben looked like an idol, but sounded like one and had a good personality. He says that this week, he's getting contestants like Samantha, who are technically polished but have no personality. Randy agrees and says that nothing tonight so far has "blown [him] away." And I will avoid the fat joke here, thank you very much. I don't go for the cheap jokes. Well, not always. Well, sometimes I don't go for the cheap jokes. Just shut up. Paula, the pointless voice of good news, points out again that Samantha still has a good voice. Samantha smiles her pageant smile and agrees that performing Aretha is tough.
After that's all over, Samantha heads back to Pimp Central, where her stage mom can't wait for a moment to rush over a steal a piece of the spotlight by hugging her. They also show Samantha's strangely befuddled dad, who has Sonny Bono hair and looks as though he has only the vaguest idea what's going on. He's nearly Ozzy-like in the way he smiles blankly and points at Samantha, like, "Look! There's my girl! What the bloody hell is going on? Sharon!" Mom insists on sitting down with Samantha on the couch. Ryan essentially asks her the same thing he asked Rickey. Like Rickey, Samantha didn't think she was that bad, but seems to be aware that the song is generally a bit naughtier than she played it. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
up is Lou Gazzara and his scary, scary perma-smile. Nobody who smiles like that all the time is sane. It's always there. Even R.J. had other facial expressions. No frowning, of course. But he wasn't smiling all the damned time. It's not natural. Lou tells us that he's multitalented because he can also tap-dance and cheerlead. Wow, sounds like he's training for the gay triathlon.
Lou heads out to the Seal wearing a tan shirt with one of those Arabic-robe-style collars that were popular in the '70s, but I don't know enough about fashion to know what they're called. And jeans. And his perma-smile. His creepy, creepy perma-smile. His song choice is "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?" Well, that certainly doesn't make him seem less creepy, does it? He's a scary teen love robot and he's smiling because he knows that you can never escape him. Ever. His voice? His voice is meh. He sounds like everybody else. He sounds like your brother singing in the shower on a good day. He tries to spice up the song by ending with a ridiculous falsetto "Wooooooo," which inspires a giggle fit more than anything else.
Judges. Simon compares Lou to R.J., what with them both being robots and all. Except that R.J. was a good robot, and Lou is clearly a psycho evil robot. Simon means that Lou sounded okay, but inspires that "So what?" attitude in Simon. Paula whines that she hates it when he says that. Simon blathers on that you remember some performances and forget others. Lou falls in the latter category. He says Lou's not as good as Michael Bolton. That's about the nastiest thing he's ever said on the show. That's meaner than telling somebody they have to lose weight. Lou and his creepy perma-smile respond, "I'm sorry; you're wrong." Randy agrees with Simon and says that Lou's performance was just "a'ight." Stop that. Paula loves him, of course, because she could do it all night with a boy robot. Although she'd have to turn the lights off so she wouldn't have to look at that creepy smile. Randy asks if Paula will remember Lou's performance. She insists that she remembers everybody's performances. Until she takes her medication.
Lou heads back to Pimp Central. What does Lou think of the criticism? He thought he did great. It's a theme -- boring singers thinking they're great. And that's why they'll always be boring singers. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Before we go to the break, Ryan tells us that Equoia will be up , except he pronounces it "Eeeeee-quoia." She repeats it. If you're trying to snatch the (Eeeeeeee!), you'd better just knock it off. The (Eeeeeeee!) is not some dog that comes when it's called. The (Eeeeeeee!) chooses you, not the other way around.
Commercials. There's a commercial for The Nutty Professor II. Coincidence, or very advanced marketing techniques? You be the judge. Speaking of advanced marketing techniques, there's Tamyra Gray on Boston Public, acting really badly.
When we return, it's time for Equoia. She's dropped her last name as well. Let the record show that nobody who has dropped his or her last name has made it to the finals so far. I would take that as a sign. In her interview, she tells us she's from the South, but had a "bad feeling" about going to auditions in Nashville or Austin and went to L.A. instead. Arachnophobia, perhaps. I don't think Los Angeles has any brown recluses. Equoia also just came down with a nasty head cold for this round. She just has no luck. I wouldn't be surprised if she were carried off by a giant owl during her performance.
Equoia heads to the Seal in the third "sexy witch" outfit of the night, a simple black dress with a ragged hem. Perhaps she's hoping the evil eye will chase the bad karma away. She has chosen Babs's "The Way We Were." I'm not sure if her cold is the problem, but I don't recall her sounding this breathy and hoarse in the first rounds. She's gasping for breath all throughout this performance, practically after every three syllables. She also has constipation face all the way through her performance. It's like having to sing tonight is killing her. Her voice would have sounded really good, except that her phrasing and enunciation is poor for most of the song. I already knew that Simon was going to call this a "cabaret" performance, and he's right. Toward the end she howls out a good note, but then sings "will we member?" rather than "will we remember?" Oh, and her last note is awful.
Judges. Randy says there were some pitch problems, but liked her interpretation of the song and her passion. Paula liked her passion, too. Simon says it was a cabaret performance. He says he could visualize her in a small Vegas bar. Not a big one. A small one. I don't know if the bars at Aladdin count as big bars or a small bars, but if the band I heard there on my last visit was indicative of the talent they have there, Equoia could practically be a headliner already. I think the band they had there was called The Crap. Or it should have been. He says that Equoia sounded "old-fashioned" tonight, and she normally sounds "better than that." Wha? Please tell me, please, that Simon's not trying to convince us all that the popular music styles of today sound better than those of the past. Please? Also, please tell me that I didn't just turn into my father. Anyway, Equoia responds with attitude, speaking on behalf of her whole group and saying that they're the best. Great, now you know somebody from Group Four is going to say that they're the best, and I imagine it turning into some spirit showdown like at a high school football game: "We got spirit yes we do! We got spirit how about you?" At my high school, we used to shout back, "Shut up!" Equoia concludes by telling all the judges that she loves them, but adds to Simon, "Don't say anything else," as she heads back to Pimp Central.
Back on the Swirl Couch, Equoia points out her friends and family to Ryan. Ryan can't be bothered to interview her after her speech, so he just goes right to the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Standard text messaging rates apply. Wait, they're not free? I'm not sure I can afford to live an mLife. Anyway, before we go to commercials, there's a [product-placed cola] "moment," featuring the kids all doing stupid poses and drinking down [product-placed cola]. Rickey burps. That's it. I hope that money was spent paying for good music in the finals. Ha ha ha ha! I kid.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan introduces our final contestant tonight, George Trice. It's not George's fault that his forehead is three times the size of an average human being's, but he has nobody to blame for the shell necklace but himself. In his interview, George wisely wears a white knitted cap over his head to disguise the forehead. However, he might want to try to find a head covering that doesn't look like a tea cozy in the future. He's a public relations major, so nobody should care if he loses because he's going to be raking in the dough by lying on behalf of their employers. I'm kidding, P.R. folks! I kid! I kid because I hate you and all you stand for. Kidding! I love you guys! You lying bastards. Kidding! Brenda warns him in practice that he's spitting out so much vibrato that it's causing his head to shake. Yeek. That's not a good sign.
George hits the Seal to sing "Unchained Melody." He's dressed like the one slightly nerdy frat boy who serves as the treasurer, meaning that he's neater-looking than the other guys, but still without any sense of fashion whatsoever. In addition to that ugly necklace, he's wearing a slate blue shirt and khakis. While Equoia made the constipation faces, George is the one actually acting like he's constipated. As he sings, he does these weird knee bends and holds his stomach. And Debra's warning was correct; George's performance is ninety percent vibrato. The vibrato is even more pronounced on him than it was on Christina Christian, if that's at all possible. And the rest is meh. If he didn't have the vibrato, he'd just be boring.
Judges. Paula heads over into the realm of delusion and calls George's performance "seamless and beautiful." I suppose it's "seamless" in the sense that all the notes ran together into one sixty-second warbling mess. Simon has his hand over his face while Paula says all this because he knows it was awful. Randy liked it as well, and blathers on about George having some sort of "old" vibe. That's probably because the poor boy is going prematurely bald. How insensitive of you to point it out! Simon isn't buying into the vibrato, and says that George reminds him of a waiter at an Italian restaurant who had too many drinks and decided to sing. Ow.
Paula insists that Simon had chills when George was singing his song. Unless George turned into a blonde topless dancer during the middle of that number, I don't see that happening. Simon insists that he doesn't have any chills or goose bumps now. Then Paula reaches over and pinches Simon's nipples. Seriously! You know, I was fortunate enough to see that episode of Late Night With David Letterman many many years ago where Crispin Glover had a meltdown onstage and they had to cut away after he nearly kicked Letterman in the head. I'm waiting for a moment like that to happen with Paula. She'll just go off into la-la land and never come back, and they'll have to cut away to a phony little "Experiencing Technical Difficulties" sign, only to return a few seconds later to an empty chair between Simon and Randy. George handles the criticism politely and seems to understand where Simon is coming from. Simon blathers on some more about tonight's performers having no "spark." He says the show week will "blow this one apart," which I find unlikely. He adds that the best group of all will be the wild cards. The other judges agree. I roll my eyes, because they're essentially saying that they think the ones the voters didn't pick are better than those selected. And right now, they're all a big ball of meh to me.
Back in Pimp Central, Ryan gives the "Will you change anything?" question yet a third try. George doesn't even bother answering the question, blathering on instead about trying to stay focused. Whatever. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. After a recap of all the performances, Ryan begs us all to vote, and thanks the judges and Schroeder, who has climbed up on top of the piano in a seductive pose. He still doesn't hold a candle to Keith in Atlanta, but nice try!
Wednesday. So I got some emails from several insiders at FOX in Los Angeles, who told me that not only does Melodramatic Announcer do the weather in this melodramatic tone of voice, he sounds just like this all the time. Apparently, some people find it entertaining just to have conversations with him. ["He's the spiritual heir of Yankee Stadium announcer Bob Sheppard. 'Numbah two…Justin…Gua-reeee-neeee. Numbah two.'" -- Sars] I find that hysterical. Anyway, Melodramatic Announcer (I know his name, but I'm not using it, because I like the name I gave him) melodramatically tells us two of these kids advance, but "the lights go out for six." When did the lights come on for them? They're standing there in the dark.
Credits. Ryan greets us, wearing a shirt that makes him look like he was shot in the chest. Rather than getting into the matters at hand, Ryan gets into the whole "shocking twist" on the finale of Joe Millionaire. You know, where they rewarded those two people for being desperate fame whores willing to play along with anything to be on-camera by giving them a million dollars. It turns out the joke was on us. These people are never going away now, you know. All these fame whores will think that if they just go along with whatever the show's concept is, there's a chance they could just be given a large sum of money for absolutely no reason. Ryan drags this discussion on forever, but I wasn't paid to recap that show, and I'm not starting now. Although I'm annoyed that they bring up Sarah's past on this show, given that they just dumped Frenchie for her adult background.
Anyway, back to the kids and their families. It looks like Ryan was run over, too. It's like his fashion tonight was inspired by Grand Theft Auto. Ryan asks Vanessa about her -- oh good god, Vanessa has a feather boa. Anyway, Ryan asks Vanessa about her display of bootyness last night. Does she regret it? No. She jokes that she wore stripes and elongated her hair to make herself thinner. I should point out that she's wearing a red-and-white striped camisole, and she has her hair gelled up in a fake partial Mohawk again.
Before we get to the cutting, we get to the padding. But it's special padding tonight. We've got Justin and Kelly (Eeeeeee!) on a big monitor, talking about the haphazard, slapdash film they're being rushed through while people still remember who they are. Yay! Kelly (Eeeeeee!) has her hair pulled back in such a way that couldn't be any more unflattering to her if she had used dead rats as barrettes. She tells us that they're filming the movie right now. They probably are filming right now, given the movie's likely budget, and this actual exchange is going to be worked into a scene somehow. They offer up a preview of a "love duet" for the movie. Before they show that, Ryan asks them if they have any advice for the contestants. Kelly (Eeeeeee!) tells them to run for their lives. She's only allowed to sleep two hours a day, and they sneak laxatives into all her meals to keep her thin. Just kidding. I hope. She tells them all to have fun. Ryan asks them if they're sick of each other. Justin responds by asking Ryan if he's still wearing girly shirts. Not today, but yes.
On to the music video. Apparently, this movie is about two zombies (played by Kelly (Eeeeeee!) and Justin), who fall in "love" in Miami and sing soulless, empty ballads in each other's general direction. Justin pilots some boat just off the coast as Kelly sits there, and the two of them sing lifelessly, squinting off in the distance in the hopes of coming across a brand new land where they're allowed to perform songs that don't suck. They don't even look at each other. I find it amusing, given that Simon whined last night that he had technically good performers singing without personality, that we have the two personable winners of last year's contest acting like they've had their souls sucked right out of their bodies. Oh, and the song is cheesy and stupid. It sounds like a duet that Christina and Ricky rejected in favor of that other cheesy and stupid one they actually did. And it goes on for hours, it feels like. I'm dreading that movie. But I'm totally going to see it.
Back at the stage, Ryan blathers on about a [product-placed wireless service] text message poll to tell us which judge you agree with most often. Ruth Bader Ginsburg. Oh, she's not in this poll. It's just the ones on this show.
Commercials already? We didn't do anything! Bleah.
When we return, Ryan pimps the extra coming on after this show with more bad auditions than you could ever possibly want to listen to. Yes, I'm writing an Extra. No, there's no Matt Yoder. Sorry. Ryan doesn't tell us how many votes were cast this week. Must have been a lot less than last week. We get a clip show of last night's performances and Simon's bitching and Vanessa's mooning. Moving on.
Before the break, we've got the list of the last group of semifinalists: Corey Clark (yaaaaaaaaugh!), Ashley Harman, Chip Days, Nasheka, Joshua Gracin, Sylvia Chibiliti, Patrick Lake, and not Frenchie Davis. Actually, it's Juanita Barber, the girl who fell to the floor melodramatically when she was cut, who is replacing our ejected semifinalist. You can clearly hear how they had to edit in Ryan reading the new name instead of Frenchie's.
Commercials. I just want to say that I've managed to watch television for the past two weeks without actually viewing any of the seventy-five Michael Jackson interview specials. I'm not even sure how I managed it.
When we return, Ryan pimps the bad audition special again. Then he reveals the results of the poll. Simon won. What a surprise. Randy got the fewest votes. Randy and Paula tease Simon by repeating his "America got it wrong" comment from last week, when people said he sucks. America thinks Simon sucks, but we agree with him. America has esteem problems.
Who gets the second spot? It's Rickey. He actually got the highest number of votes last night, which scares me for a number of reasons. How many people actually saw The Nutty Professor? He does more Eddie Murphy hamming until Ryan prods him to sing. The way Ryan talks to Rickey here has been the subject of discussion on the forums. I think Ryan does talk to Rickey as though he's a little bit learning-disabled, but Rickey, to me, doesn't act any different from the other contestants, so I'm not going to draw any conclusions. Rickey sings us out with another rendition of "One Last Cry." Ryan pulls all the other kids and the families up onto the Seal to say goodbye.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go stuff cotton balls in my ears so that I can recap an hour of awful auditions. I hate this show.