By Couch Baron
Ryan tells us last week was a "sigh of relief," but since everyone got a reprieve, the pants-shitting desperation is going to be doubled in front of mentor Jon Bon Jovi. I'm not really paraphrasing, here. Ryan's stubbly and in varying shades of black as he tells us almost $70 million was raised last week, between corporate sponsors and private donors. We'll see how much of that goes to "Africa" and how much goes to "America." JBJ interviews the exact same thing everyone else has, about how the contestants have to tell stories with their songs. Dude, Jennifer Lopez said the same thing ten times more interestingly. I was thrilled about you mentoring, but could you please act like it's not past your bedtime? That said, this episode rocked, no pun intended, and I love that you actually made/let the contestants sing your songs. Yay for JBJ!
Phil sings "Blaze Of Glory," and sounds a little rough in the rehearsal to me, although not to JBJ, but maybe that's because Phil has been practicing the song for fifteen years. Not making that up, either. He starts in the audience, which makes sense given the double elimination desperation factor I alluded to earlier. Fortunately for him, he sounds a lot better in the live version, and he's -- dare I say -- somewhat engaged in a very good performance for the third week in a row, all the way up to a huge power note at the end. It's starting to become not a fluke, which could really make this competition more interesting. Randy name-checks himself, and Paula falls into Simon's lap, but in a good way. Not like the old days when the judges hated each other. Randy and Paula love Phil, but Simon is not interested in Phil stepping out of the country box he created two whole weeks ago, and thus thinks he's going home. If that's true, it'll make a fitting sing-out, at least, but I'm not so sure Simon's got his finger on the pulse here. However, Phil, as usual, listens to Simon, if his needy double-thumbs-up and five thousandth appeal to the viewers is any indication.
Jordin is singing "Living On A Prayer," and I thought anyone and everyone else in the field would have picked that song ahead of her, but here we are. Gina's in the audience, adorably, and then Jordin tells us how her mom (kill me here, honey) grew up with Bon Jovi. JBJ is wary of how tough this song is but is impressed with how good Jordin is at her age. Maybe that's because he has kids older than she. (I'm guessing here; don't e-mail me.) Jordin goes for the big hair with Gina-tribute red streaks, and I love her for that, but the band totally overpowers her on the first verse, so she's fighting a losing battle from the beginning. She sounds too measured on the bridge, the phrasing is weird and there's not enough belting and cutting loose, andâ¦the song is just too big for her, which I think JBJ feared without saying. Randy basically tells her she sucked, and Jordin, I think to her credit although I'm not completely sure, agrees from moment one. Paula also knows it sucked, and Simon hated not only the singing but also the look, although he tells her she was shrieky and out of control, when it seemed to me that that was the complete opposite of what happened aside from the full-on assiness of the vocals. Jordin straight-up admits that this theme was not her bag, which won't do anything to change anyone's opinion about her, but might not have been the best move in getting people to the phone lines.
LaKisha has fully flat-ironed her hair, which seems completely anti-theme to me, but is nicely really talkative with Ryan, if in a completely fake way. At least she's giving it a try here, you know? She sings "This Ain't A Love Song," which is not a hair song and as such means I will be checking out for a moment here. Because, come on, it's BON JOVI. The song's in her comfort zone, and she's not overly yelly like she's been the last two weeks, at least at first, but come on. The first half had me drooling on the keyboard. But she pulls out some attitude and some sass in the second half, her voice comes to life, and I'd certainly say this is her best performance in ages, if not on the greatest song. The second half is so good that Simon full-on makes out with her, and seriously, I AM NOT MAKING THAT UP EITHER. He gives her props for rising to the challenge, andâ¦it was the best half of a song so far, but let's not go overboard.
Dude, Blake dyed his hair black! And he's singing "You Give Love A Bad Name"! It is in my interest as far as the pool I'm in to root for him to suck, and yet I cannot, because he is awesome and I love him! Even though there are moments when I think he might be just a little bit of a poser! JBJ thinks Blake is taking a big risk on the arrangement, and we see in the rehearsal there's going to be beatboxing. And wow, is there ever. There's basically no instrumentation except for the drums, and he's crazy beatboxing on everything but the chorus. The first verse is unfortunately very flat, but he makes up for it on the chorus; he lets the backup singers do the work when necessary, but he's actually a lot more powerful than I thought was normal for him, and more importantly, this is the most fun of any performance in ages. Randy and Paula give him credit for doing a seriously original version of the song, and I completely agree. I don't agree that it was the huge risk they seem to think it was, because it's not like his fan base was going to stop voting for him over it, and he's going to cause the people who don't like him at least to sit up and take notice, but whatever, I'm barely a recapper here, much less a judge. Simon thinks half the audience will hate it, and I not only understand what he's saying but have noted the evidence of it among everyone I've seen post about the performance. He goes on that it was completely the right thing to do, and with that I agree, because there's no way Blake is going home tomorrow.
Ryan introduces Chris as "Justin Timberlake," and Chris looks a "nasally is a type of singing" level of pleased at that one. He's singing "Wanted Dead Or Alive," and JBJ is aghast that he doesn't know the words, butâ¦was he even born? At least someone's singing this song. And speaking of nasally, Chris brings that to bear here. If you hate him, this performance certainly isn't going to change that, but he's comfortable with the song, he goes all creepy eyes, in kind of a good way, with the performance, and although he's probably going home, he has nothing to be particularly ashamed of. But if you're a Chris fan, as I am? Be afraid, as the judges give him the sort of terse, generic praise that signals bad things for your future on this show. The silver lining is that he performed one of the iconic Bon Jovi songs, and maybe that's worth something, but I kind of doubt that will be enough, much as Simon tells him.
Melinda! JBJ tells her he can teach her how to rock. Unfortunately, she's singing "Have A Nice Day," so I don't know how good her chances are with that. JBJ loves her, though. And as well he should, because? She rocks it. The vocals are beyond discussion at this point, but she's wearing a tank top, doing a headbanging act with the guitarist, and telling us to have a nice day in a way that doesn't actually mean she wants us to have a nice day. I mean, she's not L7 or anything yet, but it's something. Randy didn't adore the vocals but loved the performance, Paula thinks she's a rock star, and Simon thinks she's a young Tina Turner and was miles above everyone else vocally.
And then things get ugly, as George W. and Laura Bush appear and thank everyone for their participation in the Idol Gives Back week. I will give that all the ink it deserves.
To wrap up: Phil sounding pretty damn good to me but maybe back on the going home train, Jordin sucking ass but surely being safe, LaKisha back in the game for the first time in weeks, and we'll see if she's not too late, Blake being about as awesome as he gets, which is saying a lot, Chris doing a reasonable job and totally going home tomorrow, and Melinda showing once again that she can do anything. Oh, and the kissy stuff continues, as Simon and Paula share a super-cute smooch at the end of the show. Have a nice day!
Just in case anyone cares, Joe R proposed to me months ago that when May rolled around and we were both inevitably sick of our shows, we switch things up for a week to keep from boring both the readers and ourselves. Unfortunately, or at least inequitably, I got one of the best episodes of a season I was already quite enjoying, and he got stuck with a trite PSA. Sorry about that, dude. I'll buy you a drink at TARcon.
Wow, I really went on and on in the recaplet, didn't I? I just couldn't shut up! It was really hard for me to adjust to this show! It's just not my thing! (Sorry, I lapsed into a Jordin impression.) Okay! On the monitor in the background, we see footage from last week, showing each of the six remaining contestants learning that they will live to perform in this dog-and-pony show another day. Ryan's in a black suit with a darker black shirt (black = rock on this show, as we'll see), and he tells us that two of the six hopefuls will be heading home, as we view a live pan across the contestants standing in a line. Notable: Blake has theme-obediently dyed his hair black, and Jordin has frizzed out her 'do and added Gina-like red streaks to it. For someone who will claim that this week isn't her bag, she certainly did the best in matching her hair with the zeitgeist of the theme, that being: Bon Jovi. I'm sorry, I meant BON JOVI! When I picked this episode, we didn't know who the mentor was going to be, and I wouldn't blame Joe if he was hoping that I got Martina McBride instead. (No offense, but... she's not Jon Bon Jovi, is all I'm saying.) Ryan asks which of our kids has the chops. "This! Is American Idol."
Wo wo wo! Ah AH!
Stubbly Ryan comes out (no, not like that) to the usual applause. Gina is in the audience, looking adorable and seriously thrilled to be there. Ryan thanks everyone for opening their purses last week, and tells us that between private giving and corporate donations, they raised almost $70 million dollars. And the breakdown of how that money gets spent will no doubt be publicized as heavily as the Idol Gives Back slogan. Ryan thanks the celebrities who participated as well, declining to make a Ben Stiller-related disclaimer due to time constraints, and then introduces "our three needy children." Part of the reason I like this Top 6 so much is that Ryan's statement couldn't actually apply to that many of them as well. The judges all look like they're in a great mood, and of course they should be, because did I mention the Bon Jovi? Video tribute: Slippery When Wet, hair that caused New Jersey to smile and the ozone layer to cry, JBJ getting geometrically hotter as he got older. Ryan VOs that the band has sold 120 million albums, and then we get shots of JBJ and keyboardist David Bryan, and the two of them just happen to be "rocking out" together in a studio when the Idol hopefuls wander in. JBJ gives them all a thousand-watt smile and self-deprecatingly tells them that his kids love the show. JBJ camera-interviews that all the Idol hopefuls want the title bad, and given that, they'll have to "make the songs [their] own" and "tell stories" with them. I'm thinking JBJ's kids don't watch the show alone, if you take my meaning. JBJ, with the perfect amount of wide-eyed stonerosity in his voice, says he has no idea what's going to happen tonight, but that's why America's watching. The idea that people watch AI for the unpredictability is an idea that could charitably be called "interesting," but his records have sold billions and he's scorching at age 45. Whatever you say, JBJ.
Phil is up first, and JBJ tells us he'll be singing "Blaze Of Glory," which JBJ reminds us he wrote for Young Guns. Skipping any comment about that, one of the many things that makes this week awesome is that the contestants are singing actual Bon Jovi songs, and not "songs that inspire" him or a theme that somehow translates exclusively into Miami Sound Machine. Also, JBJ and David Bryan are playing guitar and keyboards, respectively, for Phil's rehearsal, and clearly enjoying doing so, and I'm going to have to pace myself lest I use up my quota of the word "awesome" here. Really, though, JBJ is involved in the rehearsals more than any other mentor, and I totally love him for that. Phil sounds better in rehearsal to me than he did on first viewing. He's totally Phil-like about jamming with JBJ, although he does manage to avoid the word "blessed" for the moment. JBJ gives Phil a rave review and is impressed that Phil "knew the song" and had sung it before, and if you're Chris Richardson, this is where you learn that Foreshadowing can be a harsh mistress indeed. Phil, in a simple black button-down shirt and jeans, tells us that he used to sing this song in front of a mirror with a comb in his hand. "I've practiced this song for fifteen years." This is where if you're a producer of this show, at least part of you wants him to suck. They get off on irony!
But he doesn't. He starts deep in the audience, with which I can't be bothered to get irritated, because it's a double elimination, and if you're waiting for Phil to get through that scenario without pandering, you really do watch the show for its unpredictability. In addition to his rehearsal getup, he's wearing a grey leather jacket with a billion black buttons and various other random patterns stitched over it. I feel like the outfit's closer to country than rock, but at least that gives Simon something not to complain about. Anyway, Phil's voice is strong and almost uniformly clear as a bell, and his performance style isn't really my thing, but he's once again present this week, getting up on the riser in front of the judges and working the crowd and the cameras in a way that fits the song very well. Lest I forget to say this later, I think it must have been an amazing experience to be in the audience this night. Phil even fist-bops Randy, who's clearly loving this, without losing his place in the song or the choreography. I can totally believe that he's been waiting fifteen years to do this song, and he ends with a signature power note. Of course, he can't even let the crowd cheer without a smarmy salute, but he does have uniformed friends in the audience, so I suppose I can forgive it.
Randy's thrilled, and just so happens to mention that he recorded the song with JBJ. So here's where I have to go on a little sidebar about the judges: I've seen a couple of eps of American Idol Rewind recently, and... dude. I watched the season when it was live, but that was years ago and I had nothing to which to compare it then. But now, I see that the judges loathed each other. I mean, it was mostly Simon-centric, but still. Now? They adore each other, as you can see; Randy can't even get through his statement without starting to giggle, knowing what's coming; Paula gets all "uch" and collapses onto Simon, who also giggles before mildly joking that Randy's involvement was the problem with the song. I was talking about this with Sars, and she theorized that the three of them were shipped off to a sweat lodge somewhere until they worked everything out, but seriously, it's a pretty profound and, at least for me, welcome change. Randy goes on that other than country week, this is Phil's best performance, and says he was rocking like Steve Perry. I can't think of anything to say to that other than to admit that it kind of makes me want to hear Phil perform "Wheel In The Sky." I mean, he's probably been practicing that song for twenty years.
Paula manages to shake off getting her ass pinched by Simon (in years past, she would have giggled for fifteen minutes and fallen off her chair at least twice) to tell Phil that she's thrilled he's having such an amazing year, that he was living his "inner kid" on stage, and that this was the best opening number of the entire season. Randy co-signs that last bit, and we see some woman in the audience with a sign that reads "Bald Is Sexy. Vote For Phil." In order: Irrelevant. Denied. Phil takes a deep breath to hear what Simon has to say, and given the gist of what we hear of a little pre-discussion with Paula, it's going to be a disappointment. Simon starts off by saying it was "okay," gets roundly booed, and shouts at the audience to let him talk. I wonder how they shorthand this bit in the script. It's happened so many times that I can only imagine that they could write "Boo Routine" and everyone would know what to do. Simon says that in the middle, Phil was "like a bad actor playing a role." Having seen as many pimpmericals as he has, he should know from some bad acting. Simon flat-out tells Phil that he thinks he's going home, and my friends in the pool I'm in are going to laugh at this one, because I've cried wolf on Phil going home several times now, but I think Simon's wrong on this one.
Ryan points out that Randy and Paula are on a different page than Simon, and Simon gets all het up about how that's "always" the case. They have an extended two-on-one snit fit that's totally trying to shred everything I said half a page up, but I'm not buying, and you'll see why later. Ryan gives Phil a handshake and a quick sideways hug, and Phil gives us the hit parade: A number one, a devil-horns-seven, a mouthed "I love you guys," a super-cheesy grin with a double-thumbs-up, another number one, a wave to someone in the audience, and this declaration to Simon: "I still love you, man." I wonder what he would have come out with were it a triple elimination. Ryan blurts out, "Why? Why? You don't have to say that!" Hee. It's always funny when Ryan loses it a little. Phil adds that he appreciates all the judges, which is a move that's been patented under the name "Remember The Scarnato." He then nauseatingly says that they're not the ones keeping him there, and Paula eagerly and dorkily takes up that clarion call, and just like that, everyone's good mood is restored as Simon openly laughs at both of them. Wow, I just noticed that even the judges' trademark Coke cups are black for this week's theme. Convenient that Simon didn't really have to do anything about his wardrobe. Or the ichor running through his veins. Oh, kidding, he's a big teddy bear. Also, I sounded pretty hard on Phil, but I do kind of like him. The pandering is too much, but generally, he's like that guy in college who would break out with a total non-sequitur in a group setting and bust a gut laughing, and everyone else would be all, "... Ooooookay," but would basically think he's harmless and a nice guy. Anyway, Ryan laughs along with Simon only half-fakely, and then tells us that when we come back, Jordin "is livin' on a prayer." Not to spoil you, but she might want to up the number of rosaries.
When we come back, Ryan is clearly supposed to be talking to Gina, but first he has to blather on about the summer tour (tickets on sale May 19th, but I'm only telling you that because I like such a large percentage of the Top Ten), leaving Gina hanging kind of awkwardly, but she finds the solution with an adorable little wave to the camera. Aw! I'm glad that heart of hers that broke during her singout seems to have healed. Anyway, Ryan finally gets to Gina and is all handsy as he jokes that it must be killing her that she's not up on stage during "Rock Week," and she fakes distress but then perks up to clap excitedly for Jordin. Jordin interviews the she was beyond nervous to meet JBJ, and in the studio footage, she tells him that her mom is going to flip out, as she got her into the band. JBJ chuckles awkwardly and tries to remember if Jordin bears a resemblance to any groupies he might have known eighteen years ago or so. Jordin camera-interviews that her mom grew up listening to the band, and basically from birth, she "put Bon Jovi in [Jordin's] face." JBJ tells us that Jordin is going to be singing "Livin' On A Prayer," and all I'll say about the tone of his ensuing pause is that I'm betting it was enough to make even Gina stop smiling. JBJ goes on that it's a very difficult song to sing, and we see Jordin laughing about butchering a low note and having JBJ seriously advising her to "change the note" when it's too low for her. Jordin's face falls, no doubt thinking that she'll have to change quite a bit of the song to follow his advice. It's just too bad she hasn't heard Blake's performance yet. Jordin nervously talks about how hard JBJ's songs are to sing, and we get some more less-than-encouraging studio footage before JBJ admiringly says Jordin is only seventeen, and he couldn't sing "half that good" when he was that age. Aw. Jordin says she thinks it's going to go pretty well (yikes) and that she has to just "practice, practice, practice." Too bad you didn't learn that fifteen years ago like Phil did. Being two years old is no excuse for being a slacker!
So Jordin is also wearing all black, in a somewhat Goth-y looking dress and leggings, and her hair is poofed out and has red streaks in it for the performance, and she adorably points to Gina on the "Gina works the diner all day" line. And you know, I had some hopes after the first half a line -- she starts out with a cool rocker growl. But she's had some serious problems with breath control even in her good performances (she sounded to me like she was in an iron lung on "You'll Never Walk Alone") and the result on this particular song is that at the end of every line when her breath is running short, the band completely overpowers her, to the point where you can barely hear her. And there are plenty of songs where that could be made to work, but it's a complete fiasco on "Livin' On A Prayer." She takes JBJ's advice and changes up some of the low notes, but not all of them, and those are travesties as well. Her phrasing is weird on the bridge and the chorus, a little over-enunciated, which suggests to me that she's in her own head about the performance, as if it didn't have enough problems. The rest of the song is slightly better at extremely mediocre, but overall: Disastrous. It's a performance even her mother couldn't love, and the band guys can't get off the stage fast enough.
The first adjective out of Randy's mouth is "interesting," which: ouch, and he tells her that she's not a rocker, and the verses were "a little rough," in the same way that we've been in Iraq a little longer than we expected. Jordin eagerly co-signs that assessment ("I know, right? Could you believe how rough they were?") to the point where it sounds like she's talking about something over which she had no control: "Being out in that hailstorm was really rough, huh?" You were the one pelting us, honey. Randy gives her credit for visibly knowing during the performance that she sucked, and if Simon's "I feel a migraine coming on" body language is any indication, he feels the same way about that statement as I do. I mean, come on. "It's good that you visibly blanched at how crappy you were"? Brandon went home for that shit, and deservedly so. Jordin gets all smiley with the "I recognize, I recognize," and... okay, I didn't go on about this in the recaplet, but I've rewatched and had time to think about it, and... she's seventeen, and she's been very cool in a lot of situations on this show and I'll cut her plenty of slack, but I can understand, just a little, the whole "dead to me" sentiment on the boards, because this is some bullshit, here. What she's doing is shrugging her shoulders and blaming the theme, when what happened is that the song exposed some serious weaknesses in her game, weaknesses that it would serve her very well to work on, and it's very frustrating to hear her be like, "Oh, well, can't win 'em all!" I'm sure it's just a defense mechanism, but still. Don't keep doing that, please. ["See, whereas I find she's actually owning her crappy performance, which is infinitely superior to pulling a 'Well, I hope the audience liked it.' You can't try again, at that point, so it's all damage control anyway. Also, she's my favorite." -- Joe R] Paula basically tells her that it must have been tough to concentrate given how hot JBJ is. I love you this season, and you're not wrong, but: Down, girl. Simon sighs, and Jordin is all, "Give it to me, Simon," which: see above, and Simon says to "cue the boos," although since spreading the word of Jordin's suck-ass performance seems to be such a positive thing, I don't know what he's worried about. But he zigs when I thought he would zag, shredding her look as reminiscent of The Addams Family, and that's just wrong of him. Performing a hair band's song on American Idol should be a Halloween party, and let's give Jordin credit for wearing the best costume. Simon continues to lose me when he says that her singing was "out of control, verging on shrieking," and that is patently false. It sucked for the exact opposite reason. He wraps that it was "terrible," so at least we end up in the same party here, and the audience can barely be stirred to disagree. Ryan calls Simon "Herman Munster," which is rich, given that I think Ryan is a perfect combination of the Frankenstein monster and Dorian Gray. I mean, he's made from doll parts and just wants to be loved, but in the pursuit of that goal he's clearly done some terrible, terrible things, to the point where there's an unrecognizable portrait of him in Rupert Murdoch's attic. Simon gives the deservedly exasperated eye-roll, and then Ryan pries an admission from Jordin that the theme was tough for her, showing that "investigative reporter" is on his long list of careers. Ryan gives the numbers and tells us LaKisha's .
By the way, I should throw in the standard disclaimer that I know nothing about music. I mean, seriously -- thanks to Wing Chun, the song I've had stuck in my head for the last two weeks is Robin Sparkles's "Let's Go To The Mall." Click on that link, and it'll be stuck in your head too.
LaKisha's wearing all black as well, except for a red ribbon-like swath sewn around her midsection. Her hair is flat-ironed, which as I said in the recaplet seems like a big "fuck you" to the theme, but she gives the audience a big smile and a hello. Ryan asks her to sit down, but she runs her hands over her hips and says she wants the camera to get her "slim side." Sure, this is totally scripted, but I enjoy her having a sense of humor about being overweight without apologizing for it. I mean, let's face it: She's hot. Ryan asks her a viewer question about what vocal training she had before the show, and LaKisha answers that she's had no formal training -- just church. You know, this is one of the more interesting viewer queries, but they still should be able to do a lot better than that. I mean, I'd love a question on what the Idol hopefuls eat for breakfast, so we could find out that Blake's a total vegan but not the kind that has to mention it three times in every sentence, and that you can't even say one word to Melinda in the morning until she's had at least two cups of coffee. That's the shit I want to hear. Ryan asks LaKisha if she's going to "take it to church tonight," and she responds, "I'm gonna give you a little sumpin' sumpin'." Hee. Ryan gives his best "girrrrrl" to the camera/audience, and I loved that exchange, even if God understandably cringed.
On the viewscreen, LaKisha tells us that she's heard of Bon Jovi and "seen him on Oprah" (hee, again), but she's never listened to his music. And okay, now that I paid attention to that, I can forgive her for not singing one of the iconic '80s songs. If you didn't grow up with it, it's not going to mean that much to you. JBJ looks pretty sedate as LaKisha practices "This Ain't A Love Song," and he interviews that he's glad LaKisha picked it, as it's "a soul singer's song." And given that, I wish they'd stop mashing up the theme and calling it "Rock Week." Because it isn't -- it's Bon Jovi week, and when JBJ is telling us flat-out that this isn't a rock song, it's hard to argue the other side. My point? This show is dumb. JBJ rather passionately tells her that the point of the song is that it's "the biggest love song there is." Irony in a jilted lover's song! Does Carly Simon know about this? ["Speaking of which: how has she escaped Idol's guest mentor clutches? Isn't she right in this show's middle-of-the-road wheelhouse? I say sign her up season for Songs From Movies week. Let that river run!" -- Joe R] He tells her that she has to imagine that she's pleading, and that man is walking out the door. Um... how to say this delicately? He tells her that she's not going anywhere this week, and that he hopes she brought enough clean clothes for another week in Hollywood. And if the order shown here is true, this is where both Jordin and Phil are like, "Hey!"
You know, the song is beautiful, and maybe the first part isn't as boring as it seemed to me on first watch, but I think it's more about LaKisha's emotional connection than anything else; the first several lines don't really resonate, partially because she seems to be rushing just a little bit, but around the part where she sings about having played the fool, something comes over her, and from then on, the veneer is stripped away and she's actually letting us see what she is, and what she is? Is brilliant. I had started liking her personally over the last few weeks even as her voice started falling apart on her (or maybe the two were intertwined; adversity is always a draw on this kind of show) but her vocals are clean and strong here, and she's feeling it enough that she takes the mic off the stand and really performs, telling the audience through the song and the simple yet sassy choreography how hurt and angry, but still bound by desire and desperation, she is. The crowd goes completely bazoo, as it should. I would buy this single. Brava, LaKisha.
Randy tells her that the beginning was "pitchy." And that allows me to discuss the fact that I've always been confused by Randy's reliance on the word "pitchy," because I've never really been sure what it means, until a very recent revelation. You see, in gay terminology, "pitchy" can only really be the opposite of "catchy," and when you think about it that way, his liberal use of the word makes a lot more sense. ["Making me think of Randy Jackson in terms of pitching and catching? This is the last time I let you near this show." -- Joe R] However, he goes on that overall, LaKisha blew it out of the park. Paula praises the tone of her lower register, and tells her she did in fact give everyone "a little sumpin' sumpin'." It's like she knows what's about to happen. Because Simon tells LaKisha that he could kiss her, and LaKisha's all with the "bring it on," and before you know it, Ryan's leading her down the steps, she and Simon smooch on the lips, and Ryan is having a grand old time pointing out the lipstick on Simon's face. Oh, LaKisha. Don't let yourself get dragged into their little games. When things have settled down, Simon wipes himself off (I'll leave that one to you all) and says again how great LaKisha was, and how happy he is. Ryan is typically cute with LaKisha, and we get a quick shot of Paula helping Simon with the lipstick situation (see?) before we go to commercial.
Ryan's flirting with all the judges when we return, and Paula of all people tries to get the show on the road by saying that Blake is coming up. Is there anything she can't do this season? This seems like as good a time as any for me to talk about Paula. So I know Jacob once mentioned her involvement in that awful, dreadful TV musical featurette Junior High School. The urban legend you may not have heard, however, is that the film was so bad that after she got famous, Paula bought up all the rights and scotched the distribution so as to prevent anyone from seeing the travesty of a film. But some copies survived, and ten years ago, I got to see one of them, thanks to a friend of a friend who worked at a TV station and had managed to get hold of a tape that clearly said "DO NOT DISTRIBUTE" in every single frame. And, dude, what can I say about it? One of the most memorable (although not the worst) songs in the movie was called, no lie, "The Itty-Bitty Titty Committee," set in a locker room and performed by the girls who hadn't, um, blossomed yet. Paula was necessarily not part of that number, but she did get a solo on the title song, all feathered hair and braces, and one other bodily feature. What to say about that? Well, I'm guessing when Paula counts up all the surgical procedures she's had in her life, she leaves one off, that being the correction of her, um, "deviated septum." And then Paula was on Letterman several years ago, and somehow he got hold of a copy and surprised her with a clip, and after it played she was like, "Where did you get that?" not in her typical sunny Paula voice, but in a pinched "I've already mentally listed my top five ways to be sure they never find your body, Dave") tone. Which was awesome, but then the cartoon cat was out of the bag.
But I have to tell you, I love Paula, but especially this season. I don't know what possessed her to get all sober and critical this year, but I'm so glad she did. I credit her with Chris Sligh's ouster (awesome for my pool chances), because she latched on to that "ahead of the music" thing and hypnotized America with it. You see, my private theory is that Simon is very powerful, of course, but there's a large percentage of voters that automatically bristle at what he says. Everyone knows that, so that's not the theory. The private part is that Paula gives criticism in such a way that it gets those people's defenses down and seeps into their collective unconscious. So when Paula grabs on to Chris Sligh like a bulldog, people don't realize she's doing it, but when they get to the phone, they're like, "I'm not totally clear on why, but I think Chris Sligh sucks and I shouldn't vote for him." Because who wants to be less critical than Paula Abdul? Just a theory, anyway, but I think it's pretty clear Paula has found more of her power as a judge this season, and as fun as it was to see her straight-up asleep in the first episode this season, I'm thrilled that she's found a different role on the show. Okay.
Blake is singing "You Give Love A Bad Name," and he tells us says he doesn't want to give away the game plan, but then we see JBJ saying that his rendition is "adventurous." JBJ interviews that Blake has to sell his version of a song that a lot of people know "and don't want messed with." Well, it almost sounds like JBJ is saying that "You Give Love A Bad Name" is a standard. And that may sound presumptuous, but honestly, that's a world I could stand to live in. Blake interviews that if you don't take risks in life, you'll never see anything new. Right sentiment, wrong show. We see some beatboxing, and then JBJ somewhat disbelievingly says that Blake is going to be going sixteen measures without singing "on a show that's supposed to highlight singers." The producers manage not to insist on a Sanjaya reference here, which can only mean that they're getting soft.
So: Blake! I do love him, despite the fact that he's out-Daughtry-ed Daughtry on messing with the themes. I mean, I don't appreciate him saying that "Stars Go Blue" was by Tim McGraw, when everyone knows it was Bryan Adams. But still, he's awesome. So Blake's hair is dyed jet black for the performance, and he starts off beatboxing from the get-go. The version is slightly slower than the original, and he's got a drummer on stage with him but no one else. I think there's no guitar until the chorus, and I don't see any guitarists, so maybe that part was piped in? That would be weird this week. Maybe they're shoved in the back somewhere. Anyway, I am sure that Blake goes crazy with the beatboxing between the chorus and the second verse. I am also sure that he's pretty damned flat on the first verse, but that he pulls out some good power on the chorus, which is somewhat unexpected. It's still a big tricksy light show, and I wouldn't blame anyone for pulling a Simon and calling it "indulgent," but I totally, totally loved it.
As did Randy, who says it was the most original version of any song ever performed on the show. You'd think he was likely to be exaggerating if the show hadn't set the bar kind of low on that front. Paula thinks it was amazing and that JBJ secretly totally dug the new version, and maybe it's my total love for her this season, but I think I agree. She also, hilariously, points out that Simon's mom was rocking along with the song, and maybe they'll show that tomorrow night IF THEY CAN POSSIBLY FIND THE TIME. Simon opines that half the audience will hate it and half will love it. The audience isn't sure what to make of that, but I'll tell you this: That's a lot better than the entire audience not caring, and Simon drives home that point by saying Blake's choice was exactly correct. He adds that he took a "massive risk," and I got all my disagreement with that out in the recaplet, so let's skip to where he says that Blake will be around week. Already agreed; let's move on. Ryan asks Blake if he can put a record on, and thanks, Seacrest, because I had blissfully had Antonella out of my mind for quite some time there. Blake beatboxes a little more, and we see Chris will be up .
And oh, Chris. My poor favorite. Ryan says he's sitting there with "Justin Timberlake," and Chris's smile immediately vanishes. It's truly sad -- I was pretty sure going in that he was going to be leaving this week, but this made it an absolute certainty. You know how Miss Alli talks about Killer Fatigue on The Amazing Race? Read this passage Jacob wrote about the Idols' weekly schedule and tell me that it doesn't apply to this show. I mean, not that he deserves extra sympathy or anything -- it's the same deal for everyone. (And by the way, extra props to LaKisha for rallying hard this week when it looked like KF had her in its grasp and wasn't letting go.) But for someone like Chris who relies more on his performance ability than his voice, he needs to really be feeling it, and the thing that will help least when about to perform Bon Jovi is a gratuitous Timberlake comparison (not that I don't love Justin, because I do, but still), and if Chris's grim face weren't bad enough, the failed half-smile with which he tries to rally is ten times worse. Ryan then gives him a viewer question, asking what he tells himself before performing in front of millions. The answer: "Just have fun. Make it like it's the last... just have fun, man." Kid, it's going to be hard for me to buy any future records of yours if you insist on KILLING ME LIKE THAT. He manages to laugh, and then we see JBJ saying that Chris had the "daunting" task of singing "Wanted Dead Or Alive." We see Chris in the studio, going run-heavy on the chorus, and then he interviews that basically, while Chris Daughtry did the song last year and therefore no one who wants to survive should touch it with a ten-foot pole, "someone had to do it," and he's willing to take one for the team. Given how close this team is, it's not that hard to believe that he's totally sincere here. JBJ sighs that Chris may have been nervous, because he didn't know all the words, and then we see Chris cutely trying to look at the sheet or whatever, and JBJ feeding him some of the lyrics. Chris quickly interviews that "it's embarrassing, but you move on." And... was that really necessary? I wonder if that was maybe a little out of context, because it was so clipped, but regardless, it seems... well, unnecessary, especially given they already hit him once with the Timberlake line. Anyway, JBJ goes on that Chris should find the bluesy aspect of the song. JBJ interviews that the song is more "sad than glorious," and if he can sell that to America, he'll be around week. I think that assessment is off, because Chris has sold me on sad without even starting to sing.
Chris gets a black-and-white lava lamp graphic behind him as he starts. He alternates between a serious, slightly sexy vibe, and a rather creepy-in-the-eyes but playful one. Vocally, it's one of his better performances -- the highest notes in the song are a little flat, which probably isn't surprising. Honestly, I think he would have done himself a favor to get with the theme more, appearance-wise. It sounds retarded, but when you've got Blake and Jordin dyeing their hair and Melinda in a rocker tank? How about a pair of sunglasses at least, huh? Something that fits with the song? He's trying to project an image of danger, which I think is a good move, but he's too adorable to get away with it without some help in the accessories department. ["They must still have that ponyhawk wig knocking around backstage somewhere, right?" -- Joe R]Beyond that, there's really not much to say about the singing -- he hits almost all the notes well, and the vibrato is under control, but... there's not that much more to say about it. Leading to:
Randy tells us he was worried about this theme, saying none of them are really rockers (Gina's heart breaks all over again) but that Chris put his own R&B spin on it, and he liked it. Paula says he did the song proud, and it's turning out to be a great night. Simon opines that Chris did as much as he could possibly do with the song, given that it's not his best genre, and he's not sure it'll be good enough to last. And that seals it -- the only things that could have saved him at this point were Paula going off on a crying jag or Simon busting out "appalling" for the first time this season. As I said in the recaplet, terse, generic praise is Kryptonite. But I love this kid, and I will drink a toast to him, as soon as I can get my hands on some moonshine. He gives a goofy smile and devil horns, and then we hear that Melinda will be showing her "rock face" when we return.
When we come back, Melinda is telling JBJ that she's just now learning about rock, and she's "so bad" at it. Given her upcoming performance, I predict that Melinda will tell us how she's "so bad" at physics before single-handedly building a perpetual-motion machine. JBJ says he can teach her how to rock, and says she has to own it. She interviews that she'll be singing "Have A Nice Day," and this song isn't my favorite, but it's certainly of the headbanging-adjacent '80s style, which is pretty much all I wanted out of Melinda here as far as song choice goes. JBJ says that he knew before Melinda even walked into the room that she would bring soul to the song, and then they have a super-cute sequence where JBJ encourages her to bring the church to the song, and throws his hands up all "PRAISE BE!" and Melinda copies him, and hold on, let me get my insulin. Ahhh, there. So Melinda interviews what JBJ told her, and says she was like, "Okay! I like church!" Hee. She sings again, and JBJ goes all Church of Melinda as he says she just joined the band. And if that ever turns out to be the case, I will die a happy man. JBJ kisses her, and then Melinda does some hilariously self-deprecating business about trying to get the devil horns right. Man, she just doesn't get old. I had the first-time experience of watching this show in a gay bar a few weeks ago, and I'll tell you this: Every other contestant was met with varying degrees of tepidity, but when Melinda performed, people were giving her a standing ovation in the bar. She may not win this thing (and that's exclusively a comment on the week-to-week whims of the voters) but I think she's going to do just fine.
Melinda starts off doing a little headbanging routine with the guitarist, who's as into it as the guy on Jordin's left was so very clearly not. She's actually wearing what looks more like a short dress over jeans, but it's still got a very rocker cut to it. I said in the recaplet that the vocals were beyond discussion, which is basically true, but I'm amazed at her consistent ability to adjust to the themes -- even though there's certainly a lot of soul even in this song, there a slightly growly rock element that is enough to really change up her overall sound. She works the stage like a total pro, too -- doing a kiss-off turn to the audience after the "Have a nice day" line, rocking back-to-back with the guitarist, and basically daring us to even think of fucking with her. Masterful. The crowd again flips shit, like, no kidding.
Randy says he's not sure it was her best performance, but it was great (nice unstated math there) and that she had a little Tina Turner vibe going on, which is completely true, and I do think Randy is pretty good at drawing comparisons to other singers. It's almost like he's worked in the industry before. Paula loved it, and asks how it felt to be a rock star. Melinda does the uncertain devil horns in response, and her hypnotic powers know no bounds. Melinda for President! I love church! Devil horns! WOO! Simon can't stop grinning, co-signs the Tina Turner comment, and thinks that vocally she was "in a different league" than everyone else tonight. And no disrespect to LaKisha, because she was great, but... see above regarding Melinda's adjusting to the themes. It's one of the things that brings her to a different level here. So Ryan thanks Melinda, and when did his left eye get twice as big as his right? Is this a cautionary Botox tale? More than usual, I mean? And then... oh, dear. New paragraph.
So, M. Giant's brilliant recaps aside, I may be the first TWoP staff member actually to recap a sitting President. I don't think I'll surprise anyone when I say I wasn't expecting that when I signed up for a sub American Idol gig. I mean, hate mail is one thing, but Guantanamo Bay is quite another. Anyway, W. and Laura thank everyone for their generosity last week, and mention a couple ways that African and American children will benefit. W. thanks the celebrities as well (name-checking Bono specifically -- why?) and then there's a canned bit about how W. shouldn't sing because America has "already seen [him] dance." I don't need to talk about how depressingly cynical this all is, do I? When we're spending billions upon billions in Iraq on a supposed moral imperative, but there are runaway starvation and disease rates all over sub-Saharan Africa about which American Idol cares more than our President? I don't? Good.
Wrap up: Phil being awesome on a song that suits him well, Jordin giving us some token sucking this week, LaKisha blowing the roof off the place for the first time in a while, Blake beatboxing up a storm and being awesome, Chris doing just fine on what's obviously his last performance, and Melinda rocking my world in more than one sense. The contestants are lined up behind Ryan (wow, is he short compared to Phil and Jordin) who says the lines are now open, and they'll be back the night with the results. Oh, and as I mentioned, Paula and Simon share an adorable hug and cheek-kiss before he runs away to smoke. See you for the results show!