By Shack
Well, it looks like we're stuck with a completely unnecessary, melodramatic announcer. On the other hand, it reduces Black and Decker's screen time slightly, so there's a tiny silver lining if you look hard enough. Melodramatic Announcer announces melodramatically to us how the contestants have been weeded down to nine finalists thus far. Numbers melodramatically zoom out over clips of auditions to melodramatically illustrate the weeding. Melodramatic Announcer continues that five (zoom!) of the twenty-one rejected semifinalists will perform before the three (zoom!) judges, and one (zoom!) will be chosen for the "wild card" slot to complete the final ten. You know, the same thing they've been telling us for the past three weeks. As if the announcer and the zooming numbers weren't melodramatic enough, they inflict those awful thumping "heartbeat" sound effects on us after every other word to try to convince us that something incredibly shocking is going to happen tonight. First of all, I'd like a moratorium on those damned thumping heartbeats, especially on promos for medical dramas. But second of all, if you're going to insist on using them, I insist that you confine them to shows where people's lives actually hang in the balance. You know what? Let's just go with it, then. If they want melodrama, I'll bring it. In (thump!) the (thump!) course (thump!) of (thump!) this (thump!) recap (thump!), somebody (thump!) will (thump!) die! (Thump!) Who (thump!) will (thump!) it (thump!) be? (Thump!) Stay (thump!) tuned. (Thump!)
Credits. Black and Decker greet us from atop The Octagon of Judgment, standing on either side of the chair that represents the lone finalist who will be selected by the judges tonight. Last week it was Jazmin's shirt; this week Ryan is wearing Adriel's pimp pants. They start repeating what the announcer just said seconds ago. Suddenly, an ominous creaking sound interrupts the two of them. They look up to see what the sound is, only to have the girder of spotlights that they just strung up last week come crashing down to the stage, crushing them both.
Sorry, I'm not good at drawing out the tension. Should I have waited a little longer before killing them? Well, I'll kill them again in other parts of the recap, and we'll just try to figure out which death was the most satisfying. It's a good thing I graduated from school years ago, or else this recap would probably get me suspended by jittery officials. I blame it all on violent video games like Rollercoaster Tycoon.
After blathering some more about the wild card slot, Black and Decker explain that, once the tenth finalist is chosen, the performers will be leaving The Octagon of Judgment and Pimp Central behind and moving to a larger stage with an audience and a "full orchestra." That's assuming your definition of "full orchestra" is "about a dozen musicians." And after tonight's show, all future performances will be live, so there's always the possibility that a performer you can't stand will completely choke on stage. Something to look forward to.
Oh, good God -- they're repeating everything again! The show has been on for less than two minutes, and they've explained how we've gotten to this point three times now. Following the public vote for the nine finalists, the judges have selected five of the losers -- oh, sorry, "five people whose efforts we celebrate" -- that they want to perform one more time for a chance at the wild card slot. They chose Kelli Glover, Christopher Aaron, Angela Peel, Alexis Lopez, and R.J. Helton.
Black and Decker head over to the judges' table to ask Randy, Paula, and Simon why they picked those five. Because they thought they sucked less than the other sixteen rejectees. What a stupid question. Randy and Paula find diplomatic ways of saying that. Paula says that the five were their "favorites" among those who were left. Simon snarkily insists that they weren't all his favorites, and challenges them to prove that they've got what it takes to make it to the round. Simon is scarily polite to Black and Decker, insisting that it's "always a pleasure" talking to them. I hope he was being sarcastic. Perhaps he forgot to make that deal for his performers to appear on Ryan's radio show, and now he has to be nice to him from now on. That will be disappointing.
Black and Decker head back to Pimp Central, where The Five Who Didn't Win The Vote But Are Not Losers are waiting. Kelli is the first performer tonight, and we get a whole recap of her cloning-gone-awry life story. To add some entertainment value to this incredibly blah show, they've tossed in some more bad auditions before we get to see the actual performer. This first group is a montage of "boys who have not one ounce of singing ability, who are giant suckholes of musical talent, whose voices should be considered potential deadly weapons." Simon throws up a white hanky and shouts, "I surrender!" to one singer.
Then we get the Kelli clip show. She sings Whitney at the first auditions. The judges love her, but warn her about how her voice goes all Muppet-sounding when she tries to sing from her throat. Then she sang more Whitney in Pasadena. She's still a Whitney Muppet. She asks her momma what to sing for the semifinals. Momma stage-mothers her into singing the Whitney yet again. Third time is definitely not the charm for the Whitney Muppet. Simon tells her she needs to stop trying to clone Whitney. If you saw Jurassic Park, you know that they filled in the gaps in the dinosaur's DNA by using amphibian DNA. Obviously that's what they did when they cloned Kelli from Whitney, but they had to use Kermit, because of his anthropomorphic qualities. Maybe she'd have a better chance if she spontaneously changed gender. They show her losing to Jim in the vote, because the kids think Scooter is cuter than Kermit. Kelli hangs her head and cries and pushes somebody's hand away. In an interview, she says she worried about whether her mother would be disappointed, but apparently Kelli's "whole family" was upset with her mom and "wanted to kill her." Clearly Kelli's overwrought responses run in the family. Simon tells the camera that he thinks Kelli is beautiful and a great singer, but if she doesn't break free of her Whitney genetic programming, he's not going to choose her for the wild card.
Kelli hits The Octagon of Judgment wearing a tan belly shirt with just one see-through sleeve, along with low-slung jeans and a matching tan sash/scarf thing tied around her hips. She will attempt to defy biology tonight, as she starts to sing "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You," which was written by Michael Bolton back in the blissful days before he decided that the world wanted to hear him sing and was originally performed by Laura Branigan, leaving Michael to cover his own song years later and still somehow ruin it. Man, once you pull Kelli off the Whitney, the Muppet influence is even more pronounced, especially when she holds words with "o" sounds. I'm trying to decide which Muppet she sounds most like. A lot of people say Kermit, but to me she sounds more like the lower voice that Miss Piggy uses when she gets angry and is about to go Pig-Fu on Fozzy Bear. And when she's not Muppet, she still sounds like Whitney doing a cover of the song.
Judges. Paula's thrilled that Kelli didn't sing the Whitney and is glad that she can now judge Kelli without having to make the inevitable comparison. Randy agrees and adds that Kelli didn't "oversing" it. Simon agrees and thinks that Kelli chose a good song that allowed them to "see [her] as [her]" and not as Whitney Muppet.
Kelli heads back to Pimp Central and plops down to Black and Decker, clearly pleased. Ryan asks Kelli why she chose a Michael Bolton song. Kelli says that she chose it because she knew there was no way her performance would be compared to Michael's. Brian gives the camera a creepy serial-killer look as he sends us off to the first commercial break.
Oh no -- David E. Kelley has managed to get his horrid little caveman claws on Felicity Huffman. Can't anybody do anything about him? Won't somebody think of the recappers?
When we return, Black and Decker start explaining the fucking show again. Suddenly, Stefanie Sugarman jumps up from her hiding spot behind the swirl couch with a chainsaw, shrieking, "I told you I'd be back!" as she dismembers the two tools. When she's done, she snarls, "Behold, the power of me!" and stomps off the set.
up is Chris Aaron. If you recall, Chris is cool. That's all there is to him -- coolness. And the more you see if him, the more it seems like a better adjective might be "lobotomized." If you set him on fire, he'd just sit there, insisting that there's no cause for alarm. Before we see clips of Chris's actual auditions, we get more suckiness. Some girl shrieks what I think is "White Rabbit." A girl sings "Music" worse than Madonna, if that's at all possible. Sorry -- I love Madonna, but I hate that song and her "singing" in it. A geeky man in a gray suit and fedora sings "Play That Funky Music" and does the robot. There's really nothing I can say to make that image any funnier than it is naturally. We finally see Chris's auditions. He wears sunglasses, but Paula makes him take them off, perhaps hoping that he'll eye-fuck her. He sings "My Cherie Amour" and sounds better than Khaleef, from what little we hear. He's invited to Pasadena and hugs Tamyra out in the hall. At Pasadena, Simon tells Chris that he "reminds [him] of Seal, but with a personality." Hey! Seal has a…no, no, Simon's right. The judges loved Chris in his semifinal performance, but he lost out on the votes. He tells the camera that his strategy to win the wild card vote is the "element of surprise," and says that he has "something up his sleeve" for the judges. In retrospect, I haven't got a clue what he's talking about.
Chris hits The Octagon wearing a blue shirt and jeans. His choice for this evening is Boyz II Men's "On Bended Knee." His falsetto isn't nearly as pleasant as it was the last time he performed. It's so high that you can barely even understand the words. For somebody who claims to be "cool," he doesn't have a clue what to do with his hands. He waves them in front of his chest, does the "simmah dahn now" gesture repeatedly, and occasionally reaches toward the camera with a bizarre "please don't take my baby away!" grasp. Maybe he's trying to shake out whatever he's got up his sleeve. The song is really hard to listen to. It's not that the notes are wrong or off-key, per se; his version is simply too high. I know the Boyz II Men version was pretty high, too, but the band and the rest of the singers took the edge off a bit.
Judges. Randy says Chris was okay, but was sharp and/or flat in various places. Paula disagrees with Randy in the negative direction, which I think is a first. She says that Chris didn't seem "connected" with the song. Simon agrees, and describes Chris's performance as "mechanical." Yeah, there was a certain animatronic quality with those arm movements. Simon says that there's a thin line between being "cool" and "boring." Simon thinks that because they've seen so little personality from Chris, he's falling on the "boring" side of that line. Randy disagrees to tell Chris that he's not boring, and Chris responds that he "couldn't care less" about criticisms regarding his personality. He hasn't been programmed to feel hurt by negative comments. Simon looks off to the side with no expression, thinking to himself, "Whatever, Captain Cool; I'm the one offering the contract." Randy says that it wasn't Chris's best audition, but he wouldn't call him boring.
Chris heads back to Pimp Central. Black and Decker say stupid things in response to Simon's criticism, as usual. Ryan needs to step away from the tanning booth. Seriously -- is there some sort of pigmentation version of anorexia, where people bake themselves into jerky, but look in the mirror and firmly believe that they're as pale as video game programmers? "Tanorexia"? ["Prosecution submits Exhibit A, one Gail Leery." -- Sars] Chris blathers that he's happy and that he's still "the same person" he was before he went onstage, whatever the hell that might mean. I guess he means that they need to call a technician if they want to alter Chris's personality to make him more interesting.
Before they cut away to commercials, we get one of those stupid [product-placed cola] montages, this time with the five wild-card candidates running around the studio in sick-making Monkees-type fast-motion photography. They run around hallways. They fight over the single wild-card chair in Pimp Central. They run around hallways. They walk away from the chair. R.J. sneaks back in and steals the chair. I sip defiantly on my Dr. Pepper.
When we return, it's time for Alexis and her dinners (tm Keckler's grandmother). Black and Decker start to blather away again. Annoyed by their prattle, Alexis's dinners leap off of her body and smother the two of them to death. So Brian dies a happy man this time. In more bad audition clips, some guy gets down on his knees to butcher "Lean On Me." Another guy with either tattoos or just drawings on the palms of his hands does mime gestures to a song I can't even recognize. Some obnoxious little boy with tiny little curls -- whom we saw in commercials for the show before it aired, but never on the show itself, until now -- throws off attitude when the judges tell him he's bad. He's deluded and thinks that Randy's comment that he was "unbelievable" was a compliment. I wish we had seen the audition itself. All the attitude we got in the first episode was from the women. A boy who sounds just like Ross the intern on The Tonight Show thinks that Randy called his performance "bitchy," when he actually said "pitchy," and is confused. Finally they get to Alexis's first audition, before she got the gray streaks. In more foreshadowing, they say that they love the sound of her voice, but Simon adds that she needs to find a song that "suits her." She auditioned with "I Will Survive," sung in happy, bouncy pep-squad mode. In Pasadena, she sang "Saving All My Love For You." In an interview she insists that she "mixed it up," revealing that she totally didn't understand the song choice criticism at all. "Tempo" and "mood" aren't the same thing. They didn't want her to slow it down; they wanted her to lighten it up. Of course, it doesn't sound like they actually said as much, so whatever. She says she sang "I Will Survive" in the semifinals, despite Simon's criticism, because of "her feelings." And that's why teen pop stars don't ever make their own decisions. They repeat Simon telling Alexis that she has a great voice, but her performance sounds like karaoke. In an interview, Randy finally gives a little bit of an explanation -- to us, of course, not to Alexis -- that she's just too young to sing "I Will Survive." Alexis concludes in her own interview that she's going to stay away from karaoke songs.
Alexis and her dinners bounce their way out to The Octagon in a revealing shirt with a diagonal black-and-white V pattern and a hot pink miniskirt. I can only conclude at this point that Alexis is indeed aware of the existence of her breasts, and is trying to use them to her advantage. She's not wearing a bra again. Every time she moves, her dinners jiggle around noticeably. I feel like a pedophile just for watching her sing. Proving that she still doesn't "get it," Alexis has chosen to sing Whitney's "Saving All My Love For You" again. She smiles and bounces around while singing a song about a rather pathetic woman who is convinced that a man will leave his current lover for her. Her tone is wonderful and she's got a great, powerful voice, but again, not the song for somebody like her to be singing. These kids. They don't seem to understand that songs used to be about things. This is what bubblegum pop has done to them.
Judges. Simon goes first this time and tells Alexis that, once again, she's sung a "karaoke" performance. You know, as much as Paula generally annoys me, she seems to be the best judge at explaining to the kids how they're simply not connecting to the song. Alexis clearly doesn't understand that, when Simon calls it a "karaoke" performance, he means that she's just belting the song out with little regard for mood or tone. Paula disagrees with Simon and says Alexis did a great job. Randy agrees with Simon, though, saying that Alexis has a very strong voice, but he just didn't "get it" tonight.
Alexis heads back to Pimp Central. Black and Decker blah blah blah, and Alexis says that though she may have "missed a run" on the song, she hopes it ended well. She still doesn't get it. Brian gives Alexis a serial-killer look and tells her, "Daddy's still proud of you." I instinctively pull out my can of mace and spray the television with it. Seriously, could this man possibly be any creepier if he were playing the nutjob of the week on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit?
Before sending us to commercials, Black and Decker give the blah blah blah about who will fill the final chair. Then the cameras cut out to The Octagon to show us that Tah-mee-kah is sitting in that very chair. For somebody with a load of attitude, Tah-mee-kah certainly doesn't have much shame, does she? It's okay to set her up and snigger at her and mock her, as long as you don't tell her directly how you feel about her. She claims that Simon told her to come in, as a production assistant pretends to remove her from the chair and escort her out. I hope she's at least earning her SAG card from these "performances."
Commercials. When we return, Black and Decker blah blah blah about week's show, warning us that the Tuesday night show actually starts a half-hour earlier than usual. They repeat everything they've already repeated about the damned live shows again. Ryan suddenly keels over dead from skin cancer, and then Brian's head explodes from the stress when he realizes that he'll have to carry the show by himself.
up is R.J. They rush through clips of R.J.'s auditions and everybody loving him so that they can show that whole damned fight between Simon and the other judges from last week. Not only are they beating a dead horse, but they've figured out how to milk it, too. In an interview, R.J. says that being lumped in with what Simon referred to as "losers" felt pretty "harsh." I find it amusing that he doesn't think that Simon was wrong for calling Jim and A.J. "losers" in the first place. He just thinks he shouldn't be lumped in with them. He says that when Eeedge-A won the third vote last week, his heart sunk a bit, because he "didn't want to leave the show." As opposed to the other non-winners, who just couldn't wait to get back to performing daily at "The Black Canary Pavilion Song and Dance Revue" at Six Flags Over Akron. In an interview, Paula's advice is for R.J. to work on his nerves so that he doesn't do his bobbing and weaving thing while he's singing. That's an odd comment, considering that none of the judges mentioned that after his performance before. Maybe she reads our boards. She must be very disappointed in how few people are "celebrating the effort" that Paula put into her pop career. She also suggests that R.J. forget everything Simon told him, because I guess she's the music executive that's going to be offering contracts to the kids now. Except not. Shut up, Paula.
R.J. hits The Octagon wearing a not-quite-see-through white shirt and jeans. He casually asks the judges how they're doing, and Simon jokes that "[they] all love each other." R.J.'s choice for performance is Stevie Wonder's "Lately." He starts too low, on purpose, so that he can warble all the way up the scale as he approaches the chorus. He's still standing in his skier stance, though he manages to avoid most of the bobbing and weaving this time. He's definitely taken a cue from E-Jhay's performance and tossed in as many notes into the song as he can, but his voice is fairly solid overall, and he doesn't make my ears hurt.
Judges. They love him. Randy says he's "speechless" at how great R.J.'s performance was. Paula thinks he's wonderful blah blah blah Stevie would be proud. Simon says that he didn't think R.J. should have been selected as one of the five wild card finalists, but adds that R.J.'s performance was "fantastic." Simon continues that R.J. was in a particularly tough position because of the fight last week, which he categorizes as Randy and Paula "being very childish" with him. Heh. Randy incredulously responds, "Childish?" and R.J. jokingly begs them not to start another argument. Simon jokes that he forgives the other two for their behavior. Randy jokes about forgiving Simon back, and Paula jokes that R.J. should leave while the comments are still positive. Simon congratulates R.J. for an excellent performance. Simon needs some time away from the tanning booth as well.
Back in Pimp Central, everybody cheers for R.J. as he sits down to Black and Decker. Brian mentions that after his performance last week, R.J. said he didn't want to come back if even if he was offered the wild card slot, which is the absolute opposite of what he said in his taped interview just before his performance. The hell? R.J. says that he had "mixed emotions" about it, but wanted a second chance to show Simon that he could really sing. This was actually his fifth chance, but okay. And he just said five minutes ago that he didn't want to leave. Whatever.
Before going to commercials, it's time for the [product-placed] car scene. The five kids sit on a car and try to mimic Simon's voice. It's stupid. It's pathetic. It's about as pathetic as the official American Idol web site's attempts to ride the wake of Television Without Pity's zeitgeist with its warmed-over attempts at being snarky without offending anybody. It's really all just an opportunity for Angela to bust out her Simon impersonation again from two weeks ago. Because on FOX, if something is funny, they have to keep doing it over and over again until all humor has successfully been beaten out of it and the joke lies limp on the ground like a shirtless druggie on COPS, brought down and arrested after running through five backyards. Say it with me, everybody: FOX ruins everything.
Commercials. When we return, it's Angela's turn. Black and Decker blather on as they generally do. Suddenly, Judd Apatow, creator of Undeclared, bursts onto the set clutching a gun and a half-empty bottle of Jim Beam. He shrieks, "You bastards killed my show for this?" and empties the gun's chamber into the collective chests of Black and Decker, before stumbling off to find the set of Fastlane. Angela's clip show plays up how "edgy" she is because she has tattoos and a tiny little nose stud. One of my college professors had a nose piercing, for crying out loud. They toss in some more bad auditions before getting to Angela's. A couple of "boi"s butcher "I Believe I Can Fly" and "Oops! I Did It Again." Some girl whimpers out some song I can't even recognize. Brian sits at the table between Randy and Paula for some of these auditions, probably hoping that the kids will have to acknowledge his existence if they think he's one of the judges.
Angela shows up wearing nearly the same outfit at her first auditions as she wore for her performance in the semifinals. She sings "As We Lay" for her first auditions, and I'll admit my ignorance of this song entirely right now just to get it out of the way. I've never, ever heard the song before. Ever. I have no idea how original Angela's performance is. Anyway, the judges all love her look and her voice. She gave Paula a hug when she was invited to Pasadena. Randy and Simon mock them by hugging each other. This was obviously before they all grew to hate each other like they do now. In an interview, Angela says she was worried about how her performance of a Whitney Houston song in the semifinals might be received, given the response Kelli got from Simon the week before. But as we saw, the judges all loved it. However, the kids all went for A.J. instead, because Angel is in reruns and they need their infusion of pasty, sappy vampire boys. In interviews, Randy says that he's not sure he's seen the "real" Angela Peel yet, and that she needs to really cut loose in her performance. Simon says that he thinks Angela "scared people away" with her piercings. Do these judges even go outside, ever? Anyway, Simon says that he's not scared of Angela and that she's got a great voice. Angela points to the itty-bitty little tiny nose stud she's got in and says that she's not going to change her whole look just to please America.
Angela hits The Octagon of Judgment wearing a tiger-print bikini top and one of those weird skirts that covers one leg but reveals the other. She still has that leather-chain choker that she always seems to wear. She has chosen to sing "As We Lay" again. She's got a strong voice, but there's a million trills and warbles, and it's rather hard to follow the melody. I can't tell where verses begin or end, or even if the song has a chorus.
Judges. Paula starts off and says that, while she's always liked Angela's singing, she doesn't think this was the best song for her. Randy says that he felt Angela never really found the notes; she was always a little sharp or flat. Simon disagrees with their assessments and suggests that she not listen to Randy and Paula, showing that he can be just as immature as the two of them. He calls her a "star" and says that it irritates him that they can only choose one contestant to move on to the wild card slot. But since he can sign whomever the hell he wants, I doubt it's keeping him up nights. He gives another speech about people in the top ten not belonging there and blah blah blah bitchcakes. He tells Angela again that she did a great job.
Back in Pimp Central, Angela plops down to Brian, who asks her if she watched her own performances and changed anything for tonight. She changed her hair. She lightened it up a little for the performance. That's about as fascinating as the news that I clipped my fingernails today. Thanks so much.
They've split up Black and Decker for this part, which must have been difficult, what with the two of them sharing half a brain and all. Back out by The Octagon of Judgment, Ryan blathers to the judges that it's time to make their decision. He tells them that they've cut the audio feed to Pimp Central so the kids can't hear the discussion. He also mentions that Simon is the "chairman" of the judges, if anybody is curious. Simon snarkily orders Ryan back to Pimp Central so that the judges can deliberate, and also because Brian's autonomic systems have begun to shut down with the half-brain so far away.
After Ryan leaves, the judges go through the five and make more comments. Simon says that it's important for them to find somebody who can "win" this competition. They don't want to pick a wild card and then have them immediately voted out after week's performances. They all agree that Kelli was great tonight, and their discussion of her makes her sound like a near-lock for the wild card. Chris: Everybody agrees that it wasn't a good performance from him. Simon fakes yawning and calls him boring. Alexis: Simon clarifies to the judges that when he calls somebody's performance "karaoke," he means that he thinks the performance comes off as "fake." Why doesn't he say that to the contestants? Randy agrees that she wasn't her best tonight, but Paula refuses to suggest that Alexis was anything less than wonderful. R.J.: Paula's glad that R.J. came back, simply because it shut Simon up. God, no wonder Paula agreed to a date with Gil. They're about the same age mentally and emotionally. Gil might actually be a few years older. Randy says that R.J. came back and sang his little heart out. Simon observes that R.J. responded to criticism by coming back with a stronger performance, and "that's what an artist is being all about." Angela: Randy didn't like her performance tonight. Paula brings up Angela's "edginess" because of her tattoos and her teeny-tiny nose piercing. Simon repeats that he loves her. They continue to discuss the finalists, and Simon suggests that they need to cut two people from consideration immediately. Randy asks which two, but on that sorry attempt at a cliffhanger, they decide to cut away for a commercial. It was obviously Chris and Alexis. Well, I guess they had to do that because they come back live from this commercial break, and otherwise the two who were cut might actually hear it on the set before the results are officially announced.
Commercials. We return to the live results. For some reason, they've forced everybody to wear the same clothing as when the performances were filmed, much like they've done for the season finales of Survivor. Why? I have absolutely no idea. The five wild card candidates stand off to the side, while Black and Decker stand on The Octagon of Judgment and reintroduce the nine finalists. They run out one by one. Jim is wearing a black mesh shirt over a white tee, so obviously the West Hollywood Welcome Wagon stopped by his hotel room. Ryan Starr is her typical shredded self. Justin blows a kiss to the camera. I think they've made him simmer down on the eye-fucking to keep the show's "G" rating. A.J. saunters out and does this idiotic attempt at insouciance with a collar flick. It's stupid, pathetic, fake, and merely points up his inability to dress himself. He immediately rockets past Jim on my list as most loathed finalist. Nikki is wearing red leather pants. Clearly the West Hollywood Welcome Wagon hasn't come to visit EJay yet, but they really need to. He's wearing a brown jacket and an oversized red-and-blue-striped tie over a red, spangly shirt. It's definitely a Justinn Waddell-level fashion disaster. I still think he's hot, though. Shut up.
Black and Decker burn off some more time by asking the nine finalists stupid questions. They ask Christina what it feels like to be a spectator this time instead of worrying about whether she'll be selected. It feels extremely relaxing. Thanks for the brilliant analysis. Black and Decker ask Ryan Starr what is "going through the heads" of the five wild card candidates. Probably the same thing that went through their heads when they all went through this before in the semifinalist rounds, you imbecile. For that matter, they're standing right there; why don't you ask them? Or alternatively, just shut up entirely. Ryan Starr babbles that they probably want to "pee in their pants." Everybody laughs at her idiotic response.
Oh, look! Black and Decker explain again how the wild card slot works. I swear, I want to find my way into the live performances week with a bag of uncooked meatballs and a slingshot aimed at these two idiots' heads. Brian asks the judges if they've made their selection. Simon mocks the fake seriousness in Brian's voice when he says that they have. Brian practically has an orgasm over the fact that Simon recognized his existence on live television. Black and Decker order the five finalists back up to The Octagon of Judgment for another round of criticism from the judges before they render their verdict.
Simon will do all the talking. He tells Kelli that she looks fabulous, and if "[he] comes back in a former life, [he] wants to be that piece of jewelry." Uh, [sic], I guess. "Come back in a former life"? I think he's referring to her belly piercing. And, ew. If Brian said that, he'd be dragged away by the police. Also, saying you want to be women's jewelry isn't exactly an affirmation of heterosexuality, no matter where it's located on her body. Blah blah blah Muppet Whitney blah blah blah did something different blah blah blah really good job. Simon tells R.J. that he met R.J.'s mother and that she doesn't like him. I wonder what will happen if he meets Jim's parents. Do punches in the face count as sign language? Simon asks R.J. if he wants to apologize for the argument he created, but R.J. refuses and points out that they're the ones who created the argument, which is true enough. Blah blah blah Simon didn't like his performance last week blah blah blah came back from criticism and proved himself. Ryan tries to get Simon to move on with his comments because of it being a live show and all. Simon makes some nonsensical comment about it not being a "beauty pageant." He's really not making much sense tonight. Simon tells Alexis that they all thought she had a great voice for her age, but went wrong with her song selection. He tells her that she's more of a "Latino artist." What? The hell? The word is "upbeat," Simon. She should sing upbeat music. Say it. "Upbeat." Two simple syllables. Latino doesn't enter into it at all. There are plenty of sad Latino songs out there, too, you know. Simon's dumbest comment so far in the show. Simon tells Angela the she's the girl who "scares [him]." I thought you said she didn't scare you? Whatever. He tells Angela that she's been the most consistent singer and has a fantastic career ahead of her. Simon tells Chris that he wasn't as big a fan of his as the other two judges were, and advises him that personality does count in the competition. He thinks that Chris's coolness can come off as dullness. Chris smirks and says he understands, but doesn't agree. The guys over at Hubris Records think he's gonna be a star.
Now that we've repeated everything that nearly everybody has said in this episode at least twice, it's time for the actual verdict. Simon says the judges' decision was unanimous, and reveals that they have decided on R.J. The kids shriek and cheer. I'm going to go with the theory that Simon hopes R.J. will pull votes away from Jim and A.J. The kids all shriek and applaud while flashing spotlights cause seizures for any epileptic viewers. The other wild card candidates hug R.J. He sits in the winner's chair, and all the other kids gather behind him. R.J. says he doesn't know what to say. He says he's excited about getting to perform week. Paula tells all the kids that they're all stars. Well, they were all better than her, anyway. I'll give them that. Simon warns the kids that the "nice" part of the competition is over. week, they're going to start performing live, and the criticism is going to be much harsher. Simon adds that there will only be one winner in this competition, and that's going to be him, because he's going to be the one making all the money. Well, he doesn't say all of that, but it's true.