By Shack
Yeah, so…yeah. I was really hoping From Justin To Kelly would be amazingly awful -- awful in such away that it blazed brand-new trails in badness. Awful in a way that all aspiring film students would be shown this movie very early in their educations, with the professor, perhaps assisted by a laser pointer, detailing every single way the movie went wrong. Awful in such a way that it would inspire drinking games. Awful in such away that it would inspire some camp-sensitive entrepreneur to develop a theme restaurant based on the movie in 2023. Awful in such a way that every artist of every medium and genre on the face of the earth would rise up and declare, "Genius can be found everywhere where this movie is not!"
Instead, it was just bad, which is a disappointment. Rumor has it Vincent Gallo has reserved the "Worst Artistic Endeavor Ever" title for at least the few months. Ultimately, it was no worse than seeing a Rob Schneider movie. Or so I assume, as I've painstakingly avoided ever seeing one. It kind of sucks the fun out of writing a recap. I mean, who would want to recap a Rob Schneider movie?
Also, I neglected to bring my personal courtroom stenographer to the film with me. And sadly, the rewind button in my brain hasn't been working properly since I reached that point in life where I realized that everything I used to think was really cool was actually pretty stupid. So what's a lazy entertainment writer to do? Why, the same thing that all the other lazy entertainment writers do -- a list! A list will fill up space! A list allows you to take tiny nuggets of information and spread them out over several pages. Or hours, if you happen to be VH1.
So, without further ado: 146 Reasons Why From Justin To Kelly Sucked.
1. There was the whole embarrassing issue of buying tickets to the movie. I live in a town with two military bases. There were a lot of burly men standing in line, all buying tickets to see The Hulk. I, obviously, was not.
2. I considered buying tickets to see Dumb And Dumberer and sneaking into the movie, but I couldn't decide whether that was more or less embarrassing. I'm still not certain.
3. There was nobody in the theater when I entered. Eventually, two teen girls came in and sat all the way in the back row. I don't think they could tell what I looked like, thank God. Three more girls came in and sat further in front, but the previews had already started, so the theater was already dark. So a total of six people showed up for a Sunday matinee of the movie, in a small desert town where there really isn't anything else going on. They stayed away in droves.
4. There's nothing like having to endure those wretched [product-placed cola] "Screen Play" slide shows while waiting to see a movie you know you're not going to like. They had this "Find The Bottle" thing like that back page of Highlights, but the bottles weren't even hidden! There were just five of them, sitting there on the screen in front of some poorly drawn rendition of a set from Star Trek: Nemesis. 5. And don't get me started on that whole "Bottle Race" thing. Let's just say that I doubt that [product-placed cherry cola] would pass a post-race drug test. It came out of nowhere! ["I actually lost a dollar bet on that race. Thanks a LOT, Vanilla Coke…if that's your real name." -- Sars] 6. Also, if I knew how many Child's Play movies there were, I would never admit it to another human being. 7. During the previews, the three girls in the front all shouted "Wooooooo!" following a teaser for Legally Blonde 2. I don't think they meant it ironically. 8. The movie opens with Kelly Clarkson singing karaoke in some mostly empty Western bar. I thought 19 Entertainment's official policy was to pretend that Nikki McKibbin never existed? 9. Kelly's character is named "Kelly," and she's from Texas, but she's not Kelly Clarkson. She's not! 10. Kelly has a fan, some idiot cowboy named Luke, who believes that he's Kelly's boyfriend, despite her insistence that he's not. This is this movie's equivalent of showing the gun in Act I to go off in Act III. 11. Just as a warning, all the conflict in this movie is based entirely on each character not listening to what any of the other characters actually say to him or her. 12. Sadly, the plot to the movie still makes more sense than the plot to The Hulk. 13. Painful Dialogue Example #1: "I'm just like Hurricane Luke. One day I'm going to blow you over." 14. Kelly's two female "friends" are named Kaya and Alexa. Those names are themselves worthy of being on the list. 15. Kelly's "friends" insist on making her drive them to spring break in Miami because their airline went bankrupt. Despite her whining, they convince her in about ten whole seconds. 16. We immediately cut to their arrival in Miami, as the opening credits play over a wretched cover of "Vacation." 17. The opening credits feature cheesy jump cuts all over Miami that Bunim/Murray would dismiss as "too pedestrian." 18. And since when is Miami a hot spring break destination? Am I out of the loop? 19. As Kelly and her friends arrive, Justin is working the beach with his two friends, Eddie and Brandon. They refer to themselves as the "Pennsylvania Posse." 20. Justin's character is named "Justin," and he's from Pennsylvania, but he's not Justin Guarini. He's not! 21. Brandon is an incredibly obnoxious chipster who makes Steve Sanders seem smooth by comparison. He appears to be allergic to shirts. 22. The actor who plays Brandon, Greg Siff, played Barry Williams in Unauthorized Brady Bunch: The Final Days. 23. Brandon and Justin run a "party promotion" service that's incredibly popular, despite the fact that neither of them seems to actually know anything about actually putting parties together. They seem to have the kind of jobs participants on The Real World get. 25. Eddie is a nerdy guy with an ugly hat and glasses to emphasize that he's a geek. They probably made the actor bathe in bleach to make him more pale. There's no explanation as to what he's doing with Brandon and Justin, because he's not involved with the party promotion. He's trying to meet some girl he's been dating on that internet thing that's so popular these days. 26. Painful Dialogue Example #2, from Brandon: "I'm genetically incapable of developing relationships with girls." 27. The first big musical number is a big dance party on the beach. Actually, most of the musical numbers are big dance parties on the beach. People sing about getting laid and dance around. People actually use towels as props when they dance. 28. And balls. People dance with balls. 29. There's this one guy with nipples so prominent that I'm sure they must get their own spot in the closing credits.Why I hate myself #1: I'd totally do him.Why I hate myself #2: I also immediately recognized him as a dancer from Britney Spears's "Oops, I Did It Again" days. I used to watch the video just to catch glimpses of him. 30. The dancer's name is Brandon Henschel, and on his Web site, he declares that he is "Uniquely Accomplishing God's Will Through Entertainment."
Why I hate myself #3: I'd still totally do him.31. During the song, we learn that Kelly's "friend" Alexa is a big ho. With her Southern-fried accent, long blonde hair, and desperately needy personality, she's reminiscent of Amy from Big Brother 3. 32. Kelly's other friend, Kaya, is African-American. If you've watched enough bad teen television shows and movies dominated by white kids, you have probably noticed that many writers think that "African-American" is actually a personality, not just a race, so those characters get little development. Kaya is one of those characters. 33. Kelly and Justin finally meet briefly during the musical number, and there's so little chemistry between the two of them that they very nearly put out the sun. 34. The amount of money spent on orthodontia for all these kids is probably triple the budget for the entire movie. 35. Brandon's "plot" in this movie is that he's constantly getting in trouble with a sexy female cop for breaking the law with the parties he's organizing, even though he should know that you need permits and such, because he's allegedly a "successful" party promoter. 36. Brandon "raps" and Justin "beatboxes" romantic advice to Eddie. It's even more horrifying than you can imagine. A guy who played Barry Williams, rapping. ["I DON'T THINK I WANT TO BE FREED ANYMORE." -- Tsathoggua] 37. Painful Dialogue Example #3: Alexa tells Kelly that she needs to "unclench" as she encourages Kelly to go get laid. 38. Kelly is played as the "uptight" part of the trio, despite the fact that her "fashions" through this movie consist of a collection of multi-colored aprons that barely cover her boobs. 39. Oh, God! Kelly is Joey Potter! 40. Complete with really assy hair. Her hair's cut just above the shoulders, and her bangs are pulled back in a thoroughly unflattering style. It's the kind of hair style that only works on Lhasa Apsos. 41. In the second number, Kelly and Justin sing a duet while wandering through some crappy party where a bunch of kids are watching a bad tap dancer. Even though there only appear to be about fifty whole people present, Justin and Kelly can't seem to find each other in the "crowd." 42. After the "duet," Justin is set upon by a bunch of pretty girls desperate to get armbands for some party he and Brandon are organizing. Because, you know, it's so hard for pretty girls in bikinis to get into spring break parties. Alexa leads the girls in a successful assault to snatch the armbands away from him. 43. But even after getting the armbands, the girls continue to harangue Justin for more, much in the way fans mob a celebrity. This is probably as close as Justin is going to get to that experience. He ends up locking himself in the girls' bathroom, because, you know, there's no chance that there are any girls there or anything. 44. Why, look! It's Kelly! She just happens to be in the bathroom. After some "clever" "banter," Kelly helps Justin "escape" his "fans" through a window. 45. Painful Dialogue Example #4: Justin jokes that he can't fit through the window with his giant afro. Kelly responds, "I'm from Texas. I've seen bigger." Bigger afros? 46. Kelly pushes Justin through the window, and he lands in a puddle. Then after treating him like shit on the bottom of her shoe, Kelly decides that she likes him after all. So she writes her phone number on toilet paper in lipstick, tosses it out the window to Justin, and leaves the bathroom. 47. And, of course, the toilet paper also lands in the puddle and is unreadable. But Justin can't go back inside to find Kelly again, because all those girls will mob him again. Right? So that was the purpose of that entire nonsensical armband thing. 48. But even though Justin was trying to keep a low profile, he wastes little time tracking down Alexa to get Kelly's phone number from her. He finds her on some bizarre beds that are out there on the beach to the club for some reason. There are teepees, too. 49. For reasons that make sense only in bad teen romantic comedies, Alexa decides that she wants Justin, or doesn't want Kelly to have Justin, or whatever, and gives him her own phone number instead of Kelly's. 50. Justin sends text messages to Kelly about hooking up, thus explaining the movie title. Except the text messages actually go to Alexa instead of Kelly, so the title still doesn't really make much sense. Alexa blows off Justin's advances in Kelly's stead. 51. Meanwhile, Kaya meets Carlos, a guy who works as a busboy/dishwasher/whatever at the club. She immediately falls for him, because it's the only way she's going to get a subplot. 52. Kaya doesn't seem at all bothered that Carlos's work uniform includes a sarong. 53. The actor who plays Carlos, Jason Yribar, was a dancer in Showgirls. 54. And Newsies. 55. Carlos takes Kaya to the poor side of town, to a warehouse that secretly houses a fancy salsa bar. There's a boring salsa musical number with the two of them dancing and singing, but nobody cares, and I can't even remember what the song was about. 56. This was totally a plot from , except that was with Brandon and some Latina girl, wasn't it? 57. During all this, Kelly is wondering why Justin isn't calling her. Justin, meanwhile, is wondering why Kelly keeps blowing him off, and not in the good way. Their "friends," Alexa and Brandon, try to convince the stars to forget about each other and go fuck around with all the pretty people with shiny teeth and ripply torsos littered all over the landscape. 58. This swooning culminates in Alexa dragging Kelly out to the party that Justin and Brandon have been promoting. It's a whipped-cream bikini contest. Alexa knows this, and thinks "uptight" Kelly will be pissed about the whole thing. 59. She is. Making matters worse, some guys practically try to force her to participate in the contest. 60. Does anybody actually need to force girls to participate in humiliating contests on spring break anymore? 61. And you can tell the girls are wearing real bikinis under the whipped cream. What's the point in that? 62. Anyway, somehow Justin calms Kelly down and convinces her to let him take her on The Boat Ride That Never Ends. 63. Brandon gets in trouble with the sexy cop for not having a permit for his party because he's too stupid to live. 64. Meanwhile…Eddie is waiting to meet his internet girlfriend by some sand castle. In the dumbest method of extending "dramatic tension" ever, the unathletic dork is asked to participate in a beach volleyball pick-up game by some jocks. 65. No, really. 66. So, idiotically, he agrees, and is knocked into the sand by the ball. Because he's a dork who can't play volleyball, and this is really stupid. 67. And then the internet girlfriend, who looks a lot like Kelly from Amazing Race 4, wanders by the rendezvous point, doesn't see Eddie, and wanders off. Of course. 68. Idiots. 69. Kelly and Justin go on The Boat Ride That Never Ends as their first date and sing The Duet That Never Ends. 70. I swear, this song is actually twice as long as it was when they showed this scene on American Idol last season. 71. As everybody has already noted, Justin truly looks like he's about to plant a knife between Kelly's shoulder blades as he sings to her while she looks out over the water. He looks like he's seen his album sale figures. 72. Oh my god, this song never ends! Don't ask me what it's about. It's about love or something. They always are. 73. Justin and Kelly have so little chemistry that the internal combustion engine on the boat stops functioning. 74. They're still singing. Fuck it. I'm moving on. 75. Elsewhere, Kaya is bugging Carlos about going dancing again while he's washing dishes in the club. The boss comes in and tells Carlos he has to work tonight. Kaya whines that Carlos can't work because they have a date. So the boss fires Carlos right then and there. 76. Really. 77. Elsewhere, apparently Eddie has arranged another meeting with the internet girl. He's going to try to get his pale ass a tan. 78. Sea cucumbers know where this part of the subplot is going. 79. Painful Dialogue Example #5. Eddie, commenting on his skin: "My skin is alabaster, not milky." 80. Eddie falls asleep on the beach and gets a nasty sunburn. The sea cucumbers nod their heads and mutter, "Yes, yes, we know. Get on with it." 81. Back in his room, Eddie is inexplicably attacked by some 35-year-old guy with helmet hair and a tank top. He looks like an aerobics instructor on an early-morning cable exercise show. 82. This guy's name is Greg, and he has confused Eddie with Brandon, who has apparently slept with Greg's girlfriend. Eventually they work things out nonviolently, and Greg invites Eddie to the bar for the drink. Out of the blue, Eddie tells Greg that he'll go as long as Greg realizes they'll never be more than friends. Where the fuck did that come from? 83. Apparently, there was some subplot cut from the movie where two of the male characters realized they were gay. Sadly, I can't figure out whether the movie would be better or worse if they had left the plot in. 84. If Brandon the dancer was one of the guys, then better. Otherwise, worse. 85. The text message games with Justin, Kelly, and Alexa continue. The details don't matter. Kelly gets pissed because she thinks Justin is ditching her, when, of course, he's still messaging Alexa. 86. Meanwhile, Carlos has apparently landed a new job in less than a day or something. Kaya visits him, and he complains that his new job sucks and he's just some crappy busboy. 87. Mind you, Carlos was just some crappy busboy at his job, too, so what-the-hell-ever. 88. Anyway, he gives some incoherent speech about Kaya just visiting, but he lives here and blah blah blah, and he dumps her. 89. I think this was supposed to be some sort of conflict between classes, but since Kaya doesn't even own her own car, I'm not sure what the hell we're intended to take away from this. 90. The girls all get pissy about how much men suck, which inspires another dance number -- in this case, some horrendous monstrosity of a song that starts off with a verse from "Staying Alive" and somehow ends with kids chanting "Bomb diggity." ["YOU SAY 'MONSTROSITY' LIKE IT'S A BAD THING." -- Tsathoggua] 91. The girls dance around a pool and sing and angrily push boys in because boys suck. 92. Kelly is wearing a skirt made out of ties. 93. A SKIRT MADE OUT OF TIES! 94. TIIIIIIIIIIEEEEESSSSSSSSS!
Why I hate myself #4. Ooh, there's dancer Brandon! Hi Brandon! So ripply, he is. So very shirtless.Why I hate myself #5. Brandon was the ballet dancer in that cheerleading audition montage in Bring It On. He was in Bring It On, people! Maybe he really has been touched by God? 95. This is the worst song in the history of mankind. 96. Justin has shown up during all of this somehow. I don't remember. Quit bugging me. But then Luke has also shown up out of nowhere (so we've hit Act III) to confront Justin for stealing his "girl" or whatever. 97. Oh right, there was a scene earlier where Alexa called Luke and asked him to come out to Miami. So of course, he did. 98. Despite the fact that Kelly loudly insists that Luke is just a friend, Luke and Justin insist on some sort of fight for Kelly's honor. 99. Amazingly, Kelly doesn't throw up her hands at these two morons and head back into a bar for a refreshing margarita like any sane woman would. 100. So Luke and Justin decide on some sort of makeshift joust. 101. On hovercraft. 102. No, really. 103. They're jousting on hovercraft! What is wrong with people? 104. The way it works is that Justin and Luke pass by each other in speeding hovercraft in the shallows of the ocean. They have a basket of balloons, which they attempt to toss in the other person's hovercraft. The one who gets the most balloons in, wins. 105. We can fully expect this competition to show up in the season of The Real World/Road Rules Challenge, if it hasn't already. 106. Of course, somebody gets knocked off the hovercraft and gets hurt. Of course, it's Luke, because it makes Justin looks bad and adds more conflict and blahhhhh. 107. I don't remember what happens . 108. Oh, yeah. Justin arranged for some sort of date with Kelly, but Alexa uses her phone to change the location or something. Or did that happen earlier? God, this movie sucks. 109. Anyway, the point is that somehow Alexa tricks Justin into coming to some other beach club by making him think Kelly will be there. Instead, she's waiting for him. 110. But before that, Alexa gets some pointless dance number of her own with the other boys in the club. The lyrics are about how she's shallow or likes guys or something. It's just as inane and unimportant as Kaya's number. 111. Dancer Brandon's in the number, but he doesn't take his shirt off. Boo! 112. Meanwhile, despite the fact that she has nothing to do, Kaya is hanging out in her hotel room in a fuchsia cocktail dress and high heels. 113. The doorbell rings, and Kaya answers it to find Carlos there. He's there to apologize to her for his behavior. 114. She cost him his job, and he's apologizing to her! 115. Gaaaaah! 116. Then he invites her out to a fancy dinner out by the pool, even though he has no money or anything because she cost him his job. 117. Gee, it's a good thing she just happened to be wearing a fancy dress, isn't it? 118. Okay, here's where the details start getting murky. THIS MOVIE KILLED PARTS OF MY BRAIN! If I missed a scene somewhere in this segment, well, you should obviously consider yourself grateful. 119. So Justin shows up at the club and chats with Alexa while waiting for Kelly. But Kelly never shows up, of course. Alexa makes her move on Justin, but it doesn't seem to be working. Justin is still smitten with Kelly. Eventually, Alexa leans over and kisses Justin. 120. Of course, this is when Kelly just happens by for some unknown reason and sees them through the window. I think. Unless the kiss happened in a different scene. Whatever. Does it matter anymore? No. 121. Justin freaks out and leaves. He encounters Kelly in the street, and they have one of those badly written fights where they're both angry at each other but don't bother to listen to what the other person says, lest the actual cause of the conflict (Alexa) be uncovered. Justin thinks Kelly's been playing him "hot and cold" by being warm in person but cold in text messages. Kelly looks confused at the text message comment but, of course, they can't resolve the conflict yet, so she doesn't demand that he explain what the hell he's talking about. 122. Painful Dialogue Example #6. Angry Justin: "You're the one playing a game with me, Kelly. But you know what? Game over!" 123. "Game" fucking "over." 124. Justin stomps off, and Kelly heads back into the club, where she meets up with Alexa and Kaya. In a particularly stupid climax to this conflict, Justin picks this moment to text message Kelly, even though they just had a screaming match in the street. 125. Of course, the text message actually goes to Alexa as she's lying that Justin had told her he was just dating Kelly to get to her and blah blah blah. However, Kelly ends up getting to the phone before Alexa does and discovers all her teen soap opera villainess handiwork. 126. Arguing ensues. Alexa's lonely and nobody loves her and blah blah blah. Whatever. She's one of those people who can't stand to see anybody happier than herself and needs to be pushed off a cliff. Kelly stomps off. 127. Kelly wanders through a park, singing that wretched "Anytime" ballad. Oh man, her outfit. She's wearing a purple leotard top and a black ballerina dress. 128. Her lipstick and eyeshadow? The same shade as the leotard top. 129. The horror. Oh, the horror. 130. The sea cucumbers are rustling again. They know what's up. 131. Justin happens to show up, even though he told Kelly in their screaming match that he was heading back to Pennsylvania. 132. Oh, and Alexa's with him, too. She's there to set things right because it's all her fault and she's learned to be a good friend and zzzzzzz. 133. Justin and Kelly sing and make up and talk and blah blah blah. Just kiss already! 134. They kiss. About fucking time. 135. And remember: It's Justin and Kelly the characters kissing, not Justin and Kelly, the actual people. 136. The day, they wrap up all the crappy subplots before the final dance atrocity. 137. Eddie encounters Greg in the bar. Greg and his girlfriend decided to split up. This scene makes absolutely no sense, and clearly Greg is supposed to be at least one of the guys who turns out to be gay. 138. Internet Girl just happens to be there in the bar, figures out who Eddie is, and immediately has the hots for him, even though he totally blew her off not once, but twice. 139. The sexy female cop shows up out of uniform and puts the moves on Brandon. 140. This is when I started crying. 141. Kaya and Carlos whatever. Same goes for Alexa and her self-esteem. 142. Bring on the final dance number!
Why I hate myself #6. I immediately start looking for dancer Brandon.Why I hate myself #7. In a crowd of about forty people, I spot him almost immediately by the pool. 143. This song is some sort of freakish rip-off of "That's The Way I Like It." Kelly dances with Justin. Kaya dances with Carlos. Eddie dances with Internet Girl. Brandon dances with Sexy Cop. Alexa dances with my sexy Brandon.
Why I hate myself #8. Dancer Brandon's parents post on the message boards on his site. I really, really hope they don't read this.144. Brandon and Eddie both rap. Uck. 145. The movie limps along to the final credits, and I go hurtling back up the aisle before the lights come up so none of the girls in the audience get a clear look at me. 146. I am filled with shame. The end.