We open, as we have the last two Wednesdays, with the headshots of tonight's performers and the blah blah blah votecakes. Ejay is pictured among the ten. Delano is not. So much for suspense.
Credits. Black and Decker greet us atop The Octagon of Judgment as usual. Blah blah blah votecakes. Poor Jazmin. Not only did she get rejected by the voters, but Ryan has stolen the black, lacy blouse she wore. Way to flaunt your heterosexuality, dude. I hear the girls really dig the International Male look.
Black and Decker introduce the judges. Interestingly, Simon and Randy have switched places. I wonder what that's all about. When introducing Paula, Ryan brings up "rumors" (read: "stories planted by Ryan's publicist") from the tabloids that he and Paula are an item. Ryan and Paula would never work as a couple; they're both obviously "bottoms." Black and Decker introduce Simon. Brian tries to make some joke about seeing Simon on The View and how he fitted right in with the ladies. The joke or insult or whatever is intended makes no sense, and Simon just ignores it. Everybody pretty much ignores Brian entirely. That probably explains his continued existence. Simon mocks Ryan's blouse and asks him if it came with "matching panties." I'm sure Simon will find out later tonight when they play "strip search."
But before tonight's performances, they've got a "controversy" to milk. Black and Decker explain that, according to the rules, all contestants must be between the ages of sixteen and twenty-four when the competition began. Now that the advertising dollars have started rolling in, they can finally afford to do background checks on the competitors. They discovered that one semifinalist, Delano Cognolatti, had lied. They show Delano being interviewed in Pimp Central, presumably by a producer. They don't show who is asking the questions because this show is all about not breaking the fourth wall. At first, Delano insists that he's twenty-three. Upon further questioning, he says, "That's the age I am for this competition." Yeah, that's the age I am for dating. Finally he admits that he's actually twenty-nine. I think Delano has been taking anti-puberty hormones or something. He's got the voice of a twelve-year-old and looks like he's about four feet tall. He gives some big spiel about music being his life and dreams and whatever. It doesn't matter because he's booted out of the competition. America gasps in shock at the loss of a competitor whom we never saw and about whose gender we all spent several days speculating. Or not.
To replace Delano, they turn to the first of the "alternates" that the judges must have selected when they picked the final thirty. That would be Ejay Day. Or E.J. Day. Or E. Jay Day. During tonight's competition and tomorrow's results we'll see all three spellings, so I have no idea which one is correct. His name's probably really Edward, anyway. Ejay is the boy I described during the second round of auditions as being hotter than either Jim or Justin (Eeeeeeee!). And dammit, I stand behind that! Oh sure, he has a freakishly prominent lower jaw, making it possible for him to bite his own face. He has an odd, pug-like nose. He has really, really white teeth. He has George Michael's eyebrows. For me, it all works. Especially with that hair. He's hot! Dammit! Oh, never mind. I have previously been infatuated with Stephen Baldwin and Hawk from American Gladiators, so clearly I'm mentally ill. Anyway, they call Ee-jhay in from Atlanta and his flight is delayed and his luggage is lost and blah blah blah, but eventually he makes it.
We cut back to Pimp Central to begin tonight's performances. First up is R.J., the Wilson Cruz look-alike with the drag queen eyebrows. In interviews, he explains that he was nervous before his performances in the auditions, but became more confident as he performed. Dammit, now Paula's comments will just be redundant. Well, more redundant.
R.J. hits The Octagon of Judgment wearing a black shirt over a red t-shirt and jeans. His song of choice is "I'll Be There." He's…fine. He's on key, he's not overwrought, and it doesn't hurt to listen to him. But he's not particularly interesting. He sways back and forth like an actor pretending to ski in front of a blue screen. He doesn't stand apart from the hundreds of mild, inoffensive pop acts out there.
Judges' comments. Randy and Paula both loved his performance. Simon's random mood-swing generator lands on "disappointed and pissy." He angrily disagrees with Paula's assessment and calls R.J. "completely average." Then he complains that the contest has gotten "off track" and says that in the past two weeks, "two losers have been voted through, for one reason and one reason only. It is the sympathy vote, and it has nothing to do with talent." He whines that he's seen some sensational performances, but others have gotten through "for the wrong reasons." Paula and Randy disagree with him, and Randy tells Simon that he's sick of sitting there listening to him call the contestants "losers." Randy also tells Simon that he can't call them names, but Simon insists that he'll call them whatever he likes. Then Randy tells Simon that they'll talk about this "later," and I suppose in a purely academic sense, "in three seconds" does technically count as "later." Randy says, "This is America. We don't do this to people." We don't? Shit. Do we have to shut the site down? Simon points out that he's not American, and says, "It has nothing to do with where you're from. In my opinion…they are losers and do not deserve to be in this competition." R.J. continues to stand on The Octagon, swaying slightly and looking confused. Paula blabbers that "America is all about celebrating the effort," and Simon spits back, "Don't give me that 'America' rubbish, Paula," because it's not like it's in the title of the show or anything. Simon insists that it's his opinion, and Paula insists that Simon's attacking the wrong thing. Simon takes a moment to turn to R.J. to tell him that this argument isn't about him. Simon just needs to make sure that everybody's still talking about him tomorrow. He insists that certain people are getting through for the wrong reasons. There's some more arguing. Simon tells Randy to take a "happy pill," causing Randy to get up and attempt to physically intimidate Simon. And here I thought you had to cross an international border to be an "ugly American." All the kids go "Oooh!" in Pimp Central like something is actually going to happen. Simon insists that he'll say what he likes, and Randy sits back down. They thank R.J. and send him back to Pimp Central.
Let's see: First of all, I don't completely agree with anybody in this argument, not even Simon. But I don't completely disagree with anybody either. Obviously, anybody who generalizes about how Americans do and don't behave and how they treat each other is wrong. I think Randy and Paula are correct in a way about Simon, but neither of them seems able to articulate what really bugs them about Simon, and that seems to translate to this childish "You're too mean!" argument. Personally, I think Simon isn't nearly as "brutally honest" as he wants us all to think and is a bit of a hypocrite during this argument. When he was dumping candidates for being fat or unattractive, he was quick to point out that this wasn't just a talent competition and that image plays a large role as well. He brings it up all the time. And now, when two candidates advance because of their image, Simon whines about "talent" losing out. Simon was the one who booted Jacquette and told Gil that he didn't "look like an American Idol." So he's really not in that much of a position to bitch about Jim and A.J. advancing because people found them sympathetic. And that's really why Simon bugs me and why I can't fully embrace his snark. He's more than willing to say, "Hey, I don't write the rules," when it serves him, but then turns around to piss and moan on television and to the press when those same rules end up with him not getting his way. He wants to sign a performer and sell music to the American public, but bitches to the press about our current pop environment. There's a rather vivid saying, "You don't shit where you eat," and ultimately, I think Simon's public behavior will end up hurting any performer that his label ends up signing. Every time he says something over-the-top to one of the performers on the show, I think to myself, "Well, there go twenty-five thousand record sales down the toilet for whomever he signs." Consider the possibility that, say, Tamyra wins the competition. It's in her own best interest that people go into the record stores and say, "Hey, there's Tamyra Gray's record." It is not in her best interest that people go into the record stores and say, "Hey, there's that girl that obnoxious British guy is trying to shove down our throats." Entertainment executives aren't nice people, so no, Simon's not any more horrible than any of ours. But that's also why most entertainment executives don't try to become public figures. I think Randy and Paula are right inasmuch as we expect our public figures to play nice in public, even though we all know that they fight like cats and dogs in private. That's just how it is, and to spit one of Simon's lines back at him, "I don't make the rules."
Not that I'm overthinking this argument or anything, considering that it seemed planned.
Back in Pimp Central, Black and Decker joke with R.J. about how great it would have been if Randy had beaten up Simon. Ah, the demonization of intellectuals and the glorification of brute force. Now that's the American way.
up is Kristin. They show us the clip of Kristin falling on her ass at the auditions again. That's probably the most entertaining thing Kristin will ever do in her whole life.
Kristin heads out to The Octagon of Judgment wearing an ugly sequined pink tank top and a pair of giant white pants that Steve Fossett recently used to fly around the world. She sings "Fallin' -- The Up With People Remix." She wears her plastic beauty queen smile and bounces up and down while singing a pop-blues song about poor relationship choices. Also, she keeps falling in and out of the key. It's just not a good sound or a good song choice for her.
Judges. None of them are really happy with her performance. Paula tells Kristin that she did better at her auditions. Randy tells Kristin that she wasn't anywhere close to being the best in the competition. Simon tells her that if he were judging a beauty competition, she'd win, but he thinks that it was a bad song choice for her and that she's "out of [her] league" in the competition.
Kristin heads back to Pimp Central and plops down to Black and Decker, practically in tears already. Brian asks her how she could even go out and sing after Simon's earlier rant. Kristin's response, and I'm not making this up: "I think [Simon] missed the bucket outside the door, because that's where we drop our attitude." Oh honey, don't come on national television and quote things said at your little sorority house meetings. The snotty attitude in her voice also gives the statement an unintended amusing twist.
Commercials. Why don't they give Jeff Corwin a movie? Or the animal guy who brings Colombian baby donkeys on Late Night with Conan O'Brien and looks like a cuter, gayer Kerr Smith? I'd watch that.
up is Mark Scott. Mark was the Michael Jackson "impersonator" who failed to impress Simon. At all. Simon hated him more than he hates Paula. Okay, first of all, Mark is wearing girls' jeans. Those are obviously girls' jeans with the way the legs and hips are shaped. And I'm sure there are a lot of envious girls watching, because it looks like he's a size six. His white shirt has jagged cuts around the bottom. It's like a cartoon rendition of Ryan Starr's savagewear. He's also wearing fingerless, sheer white gloves and a brown choker necklace that looks like an Ace bandage wrapped around his neck. Would you ever allow yourself to be seen in public looking like this? People would laugh at you. They wouldn't even quietly whisper to their friends about you. They'd just shout out, "Boy, what are you wearing? Are you brain damaged?"
Mark heads out to The Octagon of Judgment and sings "My Girl." He has a breathy voice and practically stage-whispers his performance. He has creepy Muppet eyes. I swear that if you slapped his face, his pupils would go skittering around inside his eye sockets. Oh, and he forgets the words at one point. Whoops.
Judges. They don't like him. Paula and Randy let him down easy. Simon asks Mark how he thought he did. Don't answer! It's a trap! Mark admits that he forgot the lyrics, but gives the typical "I did my best under the circumstances" speech. Simon points out that all the performers are in the same boat as him, and he simply wasn't good enough. Then he tacks on a message to Black and Decker because of their constant supportive comments to the kids: "What do [they] know about judging a talent competition? Nothing. It's true. Nothing." Gee, I hope Simon never wants to get his singers on Ryan's nationally syndicated radio show. Maybe Ryan will get to be "on top" at least once after all? Unless, of course, Ryan promised to put the kids on his show in exchange for getting this gig in the first place.
Mark heads back to Pimp Central. Black and Decker ask if him if he thinks he has a chance to move on. He gives an incoherent speech about the viewers voting other contestants on to the finals for having qualities that the judges didn't recognize. Essentially, he's outright begging for the Jim/A.J. vote. Sadly, he doesn't realize that the people who voted for those two are probably livid that Mark has a smaller waist than they do. Brian also spits out a response to Simon: "I don't know anything about judging talent. I just don't like watching really good kids cry." No, he prefers to watch kids slowly undressing online through his high-speed internet connection. We see Kristin daubing her eyes, as if the mild criticism she's received tonight had killed her dog.
up is Nikki, although the closed captioning says her name is Nicky. Nikki sang "I Will Survive" at her auditions, not knowing that Simon was sick of hearing that song. But it turned out that Simon actually liked her rendition. She sang "Unchained Melody" in Pasadena and dedicated it to her dead grandfather. Since that song, whether we like it or not, has been permanently attached to that pottery scene from Ghost, this information creates a very unpleasant mental image.
Nikki hits The Octagon wearing a black, tight-fitting shirt, plaid oversized pants with dangling suspenders, a black choker, and black glove-like things that cover her forearms, but not her hands. Sorry, not hip to the accessory lingo. Her hair is dyed dark red. Her performance choice is "Total Eclipse Of The Heart." Well, she certainly picked a song that won't sound cabaret, even with a solo piano as accompaniment. I really don't like this particular performance, though I think that she's probably pretty strong overall. She shouts a lot of the lyrics. And yes, they were shouted in Bonnie Tyler's version, too, but it comes off better with a full band and back-up singers. Nikki sounds kind of thin up there alone. It's not a bad performance. I just didn't feel it.
But the judges liked it. They're obsessed with Nikki's look. They think she's got some unique thing going on with this vague punk-goth look. They really need to get out of Los Angeles. They wouldn't have to go far -- just out to the suburbs. There are girls dressed like Nikki everywhere. I guess they're just happy at not having another cookie-cutter beauty queen or giant-breasted skank. All three judges take their time blah blah blahing about Nikki marching to a different drummer and doing her own thing. Seriously, you guys need to, like, turn on the radio and go to the mall or something. Their comments are giving me the impression that they're actually a little behind when it comes to the current pop curve. Rock influences have been invading pop for the past two years. Randy makes a big deal out of Simon complimenting Nikki, because Simon never says nice things and Randy never says mean things.
Back in Pimp Central, Black and Decker bring up some sort of "rumor" (that I don't think anybody else had ever heard until this very moment) that there has been some sort of conflict between Nikki and Kristin. According to Nikki, she and some of the other contestants were being a little loud on some flight from Los Angeles, and allegedly Kristin said that she didn't want to be seen as being associated with them. Kristin's response, given while baring her giant horse teeth, is that is was just a "rumor" and that Nikki should "check that before [she] puts it on national television." Note that Kristin didn't deny it, given the opportunity to do so on national television. Kristin says that this is the first she's heard about it, and gives some non-explanation about sitting several rows in front of them to some kids and parents or whatever and things were pretty loud. Translation: She totally said it to somebody sitting to her and it got back to Nikki. Black and Decker blah blah blah some about the tension caused by trying to be supportive of each other while competing against each other for that one position of "American Idol." Because we can only have one music idol at a time here in America, right?
Commercials. When we return, Brian is sinking to new depths of patheticness. He pimps the official site and reads some email from somebody calling him "that sexy 'dunk' guy" and arguing that Brian should have his own sitcom. The "joke" is that the email is made up. Everybody chuckles uncomfortably and goes back to ignoring Brian.
up is Christopher Badano, who might actually hit puberty while performing tonight. In clips we see the judges telling him he needs to work on his style and confidence. Before you drink, it was Randy saying that, not Paula. He sang "I Swear" at Pasadena, and I swear that they edit in all the girls cheering for Justin (Eeeeeee!) to make it look like the girls all love Christopher. Anyway, he allegedly found more confidence in the second round.
Chris hits The Octagon of Judgment wearing almost the exact outfit he wore to the second round of auditions -- a bright red shirt and black pants. He sings "I Swear" again, and is blah. If you closed your eyes, you couldn't tell the difference between his singing and A.J.'s. What is the deal with the fact that almost all the girls have stronger voices than almost all the boys? And it's not just this particular show. Comparing the boys on Making the Band and Popstars to the girls from Popstars and this show, there's just no comparison. Is it because girls start puberty earlier than boys and don't have to deal with as pronounced a voice change? Is it because boys who can sing don't come out for shows like this? Or are girls just better singers? Anyway, Chris warbles, is slightly off key, and is boring. He tries to give a flirty wink to the camera, but given his overall "deer in headlights" look, it comes off more like a geeky freshman awkwardly coming on to a varsity cheerleader.
Judges. Paula comments on his confidence. Drink! Randy is disappointed that Chris lacked the energy he had in Pasadena, and didn't like Chris's performance. Simon agrees. He very circumspectly points out that Chris is cute and the girls will like him, but his singing was average, and he lacked energy. Simon's careful to give his criticism in such a way that it doesn't cause thousands of teenagers to cry and reach for the telephone. Simon tells Chris that he sort of "sold out" by presenting himself as an energetic young guy in Pasadena and then not bringing it to this round.
Back in Pimp Central, Brian defends Christopher by saying, "I don't think showing range is selling out." GOD, SHUT UP, BRIAN! He sang the EXACT SAME song as he did in Pasadena! Also, "looking dumbstruck" is NOT "SHOWING RANGE"! I HATE you SO MUCH that I have to switch from the ITALICS that I normally use for emphasis and resort to ALL-CAPS! You SUCK THAT MUCH. Blah. They make Chris do that wink again, and it's even less effective the second time.
up is Melanie, who is nine feet tall. In flashbacks, we see that Paula is envious of Melanie's look. Paula tells her, "My fantasy would be would be to chop your legs off from the knee down and have them surgically implanted on my body." Yikes. Has anybody seen Janet Jackson lately? That might actually be her hair on Paula's head.
Melanie hits The Octagon wearing a lovely cornflower-blue belly-baring top with a matching gauzy skirt. She chooses the same song as Tamyra in the first round, "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going." Melanie loves to point at the camera. She really is insisting to me that she's not going. Okay! Please don't step on me, giant lady! You can stay! Her mouth takes up the entire bottom half of her face. Personally, I think her singing is great, but no matter how much she loved this song, it was probably a mistake to have invited the comparison to Tamyra, who gave a much cleaner performance. I think that if Melanie had sung a different song, she would have gotten more votes and made it to the finals.
Judges. Randy loves her. Melanie makes a comment about the fact that she's always loved that song, just in case people think she chose it because Tamyra sang it. Paula loves her. Simon brings up the whole "sounds like cabaret" thing again. He didn't say that to Tamyra when she sang it, by the way. Melanie is confused and doesn't know what a cabaret is. She thinks it's a strip club. Everybody laughs at her ignorance. Simon clarifies that he means Vegas cabarets, which are essentially strip clubs with choreographers and production budgets.
Melanie heads back to Pimp Central, where Brian leers and compliments her legs for "going all the way to the top." I could never be a girl. Ever. One time at a gay bar, a repulsive, greasy guy on the dance floor grabbed my ass, and I very nearly decked him. I just simply could not put up with behavior like that every day. I don't know what I'd do. Blah blah blah votecakes.
Commercials. Then it's Eedjay's turn, and since none of you want him, he's all mine. In flashbacks, he says that it's ironic that he chose "Get Here" to sing at both his auditions, because blah blah blah alternate whatever. It's Alanis Morissette irony, not real irony.
E-Jae heads out to The Octagon of Judgment wearing a black shirt and jeans that actually fit well, so he's probably gay. He's also wearing some sort of black wrist braces. How heavy is that microphone? His choice tonight is "I'll Be." Hmm. No. Yikes. Ow. I'm sure that wasn't the note he meant to sing. Oh. Okay, "said" doesn't have fifteen syllables, and when you decide to hold a note, don't make it that one, ever again. Seriously, my computer just froze up. There's a difference between making a song "your own" and making a song "your whipping boy." Is there a Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Music? The judges are going to rip him to shreds. That's okay, e-JaY; I'll comfort you. For some reason the kids in Pimp Central give him a standing O. I guess it's that whole "rewarding the effort" thing because E-J-ay just arrived at the last moment.
Judges. I cringe. What? They love him! Simon even goes first to tell Eehjay that he was the best singer so far this evening. Paula tells him that he's "blown everyone away." Well, there was a moment that I feared my speakers would blow. Randy agrees that E*Jay was incredible. I just give up. I give up trying to understand these guys at all. He was all over the place. There wasn't even a recognizable key. I just don't understand.
Back in Pimp Central, Black and Decker compliment E.J. on his range. Yeah, but could you work on your control, please? Ow.
up is Tanesha. Who? Exactly. In flashbacks, we learn that, just like Christopher, Tanesha was nervous in original auditions, but confident in Pasadena. And that's all there is to say about her.
Tanesha heads out to The Octagon, wearing a pretty white belly-baring blouse with a rose print and jeans. Her song of choice is "Until You Come Back To Me." Ow. She's off key, a lot. And she lacks the confidence to really sell the song. And she's breathy, which is just the death knell for the female singers in the competition. All the women voted on to the finals so far have had good solid voices. Also, she can't hold a note steady, but that doesn't seem to matter in this competition any more.
Judges. Much to my shock, Paula comments that Tanesha warbled around the notes too much. But overall, she liked Tanesha's performance. Randy goes further on Paula's criticism, telling Tanesha that she "never found the note" and that it wasn't a good performance. Simon dismissively says that Tanesha's performance made him say, "So what?" and that there are better people in the competition. He gives his trademark shrug and "Sorry." If that's not in the drinking game, it should be.
Back in Pimp Central, Tanesha holds back tears and says that she thinks she gave a "great performance." Yikes. Brian tells her that she's handled herself with "such class" and that she's "such a lady." Tanesha thanks him, but tells him she still won't sleep with him.
Commercials promise us more audition clips (yay!) and more Tah-mee-kah (boo!) tomorrow night on the live show. The commercial lies.
When we return, it's Khaleef's turn. I was hoping that this would be entertainingly awful, like Tenia and Alexandra. In clips, Khaleef says that when he gets onstage, he can't help but "move around" and stuff. We see him in the first auditions dropping to the floor on his knees while singing, and later, jumping off the stage to sing to Kelli in Pasadena. He ends in what I hoped would be an ironic segue by saying, "Trust me, America, if you watch, you won't forget it." I was hoping he'd be right for all the wrong reasons. Instead, he was just wrong.
Khaleef hits the stage wearing a white poet shirt and lace-up jeans. Who the hell forced this look on this painfully straight boy? I just realized that there were no clips of the fashion consultant at all tonight. I think she fled for the hills to protect her rep. He sings "My Cherie Amour," and to my bitter disappointment, he's not awful. He's just kind of boring. It turns out that he is capable of holding a note steady, which is more than you can say for most of the boys. This was a good song choice for him -- everything fits right within his limited range, as opposed to "Daydream Believer" back in Pasadena. But I can mock his lack of stage presence. Despite his insistence of hyperactivity, he stands there on the stage, barely moving. Sometimes he'll look into the camera; then his eyes will slide off to the left or right, like he's being forced to sing by armed men standing just outside the range of the cameras. He doesn't know what the hell the song is about and pronounces "cherie" as if it had a "d" instead of an "r." I would put his performance on the level of R.J.'s.
Judges. Randy points out that Khaleef looked petrified throughout the song. Khaleef says that the whole process has been "brain-wracking." Somehow I doubt that in his case. Randy says he thought the performance was just adequate. Paula really liked his performance and says he made the song his. Simon says that he agrees with Randy that Khaleef's performance wasn't the best, but he says that he's impressed by the fact that Khaleef doesn't play well with others and didn't want to practice with his group in the auditions. Then he goes on to whine about how the contestants are all bonding instead of engaging in entertaining public fights. Oh, shut up, Simon -- and I hope that's the only time I ever have to say that. You told these kids that image mattered, so don't get all pissy that "good manners in public" is part of the image that Americans expect from their idols. If you want a good row, head over to one of the talk-show sets. Simon tells Khaleef that he hopes he wins the competition, because the self-absorbed arrogant ones are so much easier to manipulate.
Back in Pimp Central, Black and Decker ask Khaleef about the mixed response. Khaleef agrees that it wasn't his best performance. Well, it was certainly the best I've seen from him.
Oh, and to show what fragile egos and hearts made of the finest glass these poor little waif singers have, we get clips of them performing some staged skit show mocking all the other bad contestants. Mark does an impersonation of Amnesia while wearing a bad blond wig, and looks like he enjoys it just a little too much. Kristin mimics Stefanie's crazy dance moves. Tanesha mimics Stoned Silent Night Guy, but she's not stoned, so she can't pull it off. Also, it's a reminder that she can't sing very well. Christopher mimics Anakin Boogie a little bit too accurately. This skit has been brought to you by Hubris Records. Each of the participants in these skits has one thing in common, and I'll leave you to guess what that is.
Our final performer is Christina, who captured Simon's attention in the auditions by changing the pronouns to "Isn't She Lovely" so that she could sing it directly to him.
Christina heads out to The Octagon of Judgment, wearing a weird black shirt thingy that exposes her stomach and the top of her breasts, but isn't exactly ripped like Ryanwear, along with jeans. Her song choice is Etta James's "At Last," and I really, really don't like her performance. Her vibrato gets on my nerves, and, interestingly enough, that was Tah-mee-kah's problem. Her performance has no soul; I imagine that's because she's modeling herself on Celine Dion's cover of the song, and Celine has no soul. That's the problem with young kids singing these jazz-blues songs. They haven't lived long enough to understand them.
But nobody cares about my opinions. The judges love her performance. Paula tells her she has "star presence." Randy agrees with Paula's assessment. As does Simon. They all think she's wonderful and doesn't sound at all like a sheep bleating. Well, fine.
Back at Pimp Central, Black and Decker ask how Christina felt. She felt good about her performance. They might as well stick [product-placed cola] commercials in here instead of their post-performance interviews. They're absolutely meaningless. Black and Decker remind us of the blah blah blah votecakes and remind us to watch the live show tomorrow night to see the winners. God, the clip show of the ten performances shows what a mediocre crew this was. Just dreadful.
Wednesday. Instead of the usual live greeting from Black and Decker, we get some awful melodramatic narrator recapping the "drama" of last night's "fight" between Simon and the other judges. Simon was mean and made people cry! There should be a law against that! The narrator says we'll find out who wins tonight and moves on. So now this show has two awful hosts and a bad announcer? That's just terrific.
Credits. Oh, great -- they're back and more prominent than ever: Ryan's nipples. I am more heterosexual than Ryan. Black and Decker stand on The Octagon of Judgment and tell us all about the blah blah blah votecakes. They don't give an exact count of how many millions voted last night, because it was probably their worst turnout ever.
But before they get to the results of the vote, Black and Decker explain that they "must address what happened last night," because nobody really cares about this week's competitors and they have to get their tension from somewhere. They describe the fight to us again, and I'll be damned if I recap Black and Decker recapping stuff already in this very recap. They show clips. Blah losers blah sympathy blah America. Simon grimaces a little bit over the way the confrontation played out for the cameras. Ryan asks him for his response, now that he's seen the show. Everybody's pissed because Simon called people "losers." Simon's response is to turn it around to talk about "winners." He explains that he's upset because the voting resulted in two people getting through on this "sympathy vote," which prevented "more talented" performers from making it to the finals. Everybody starts arguing, and nobody even finishes a sentence for me to recap. Live shows are hard to cover. Paula points out that it was Simon who fostered the sympathy vote in the first place because of the way he treated the guys. ["Which is exactly what you've been saying all along, so…Paula, make that check out to Shack." -- Sars] Eventually Simon admits that perhaps he shouldn't have used the word "loser," but says that Randy got overemotional about it. He continues that he cares passionately about "the right person" winning this competition. By the way, nowhere on this show have they said yet that the winner is supposed to get a contract with Simon's label, presuming Simon wants to offer one. I only found this out from reading stories in the entertainment press about it. So essentially, Simon wants to make sure that the winner is somebody he actually wants to represent. They argue some more. Simon's worried about the wrong person winning. Randy tells him that because the vote is public, the "right" person will therefore win. Wow, that's some specious logic. Votes don't equal sales, Randy. Randy disappoints me by being totally unapologetic about his behavior, and promises that he'll do it again if he thinks Simon get too mean. And Paula acts like a bratty schoolgirl by pointing out how much Randy could kick Simon's ass. Incidentally, I hope your Independence Day celebrations were fun and safe.
Now that they're done milking the dumb little fight from the judges' perspectives, it's time to milk it from the witnesses' perspectives. Brian sits with the kids and asks R.J. what was going through his head during the fight. R.J. doesn't answer, "Yeah! Sympathy vote!" which was so obviously what he must have been thinking. R.J. says he was shocked and confused about the whole thing. That was illuminating.
But we're not done. Apparently we have to revisit everything mean Simon said last night, even though he was no worse than he has been in episodes. We see him criticizing Kristin's performance, even though Randy and Paula shot her down, too. Brian insists that Kristin made a "huge sacrifice" by dropping out of the Miss Texas pageant for this competition. No, a "huge sacrifice" is working two jobs to put your kids through school. Shut up, Brian. He asks if Kristin regrets her decision. Kristin says that first she needs to correct Simon: "It's not a beauty contest; it's a scholarship program." The rest of Kristin's comments are drowned out by sound of everybody on earth shouting, "WHATEVER!" Giving girls money for college because they have good posture, nice boobies, and are inoffensively bland can hardly fall under the definition of "scholarship." She's so fake. Terry Pratchett described obnoxious society girls like her best when he characterized them in one of his books as having the "ability to apparently look at the world through their teeth." And Kristin must have some very good vision with those choppers. She insists that she doesn't regret choosing American Idol. Everybody else might regret that she did, but not her. She characterizes it as a battle between a "recording contract" versus a "crown." Gee, where'd the scholarship go? You'll probably get more money from that than you will from this recording contract. Brian gives Simon the opportunity to backtrack on his comments that Kristin was out of her league, but he refuses. He insists that other performers were much better than she was, and that he's not going to lie to the kids to make them feel good; he thinks that it's "patronizing" to the viewers and to the contestants. Simon then adds that the other judges and hosts think the viewers at home are stupid. Well, yes, "the stupid" are FOX's key demographic, you know. Didn't you get the memo? And don't pretend that you don't think the viewers are stupid for voting for Jim and A.J. Brian insists that the fight between Randy and Simon affected Kristin's performance. Kristin's still not going to sleep with you, Brian. Simon blames it on Randy's behavior. Randy threatens, "Keep it up, man." Maybe Randy's hoping to sign some of these kids, too, and he thinks Simon's hurting their marketability. Wait! I suddenly stopped caring.
God, they aren't done yet. They replay Simon's comments to Tanesha. Randy didn't like Tanesha either, but they don't show his comments. This is beyond annoying. I think Simon actually wants the show to do this, because it keeps the buzz on him going. Tanesha cries. Waaaaah! She's such a fragile little thing who didn't go around mocking the other rejectees at all! Black and Decker ask her if she thinks that the judges' comments will affect whether or not she's voted into the finals. The girl couldn't sing. She still insists that her performance wasn't "that bad," though she admits that she could have done better.
Commercials. No audition clips because of the Mean Montage. When we return, Black and Decker blah blah blah about the losers -- er, "differently victorious" getting a second chance with the wild card slot. If there are any deaf people reading this, the wild card show is Wednesday, not Monday as the captioning claimed. A public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood Shack.
It's time for the first winner -- even though they're all winners. Some are just bigger winners than others. Oh, and apparently they've managed to snag the leftover lighting from the struck set for The Weakest Link. Suddenly the room is lit only by sweeping spotlights, and it all looks ridiculous. It looks like a Chilean karaoke show. Anyway, the first winner is Christina. Yes, America loves lamb. They have new chairs for the winners that aren't made of wire and don't look painful to sit in. Clearly they've gotten an infusion of set junk (not to mention announcers) from somewhere. Christina is happy and thanks America. Well, I'm always saying how we're all a bunch of sheep, so I can't say I'm surprised. We get another clip show of Christina's performances. Black and Decker ask the judges for comments. They just repeat how much they love her, especially with mint jelly.
Before we go to commercials, we get that typical product-placed car deal with the kids. This time it's all a bunch of Simon-bashing while they hang around and on top of the cars. Kristin looks at us through her teeth and tells us that though she enjoyed her experiences here, "all [she wants] to do right now is run Simon Cowell over with this car." Yes, you're well on your way to becoming America's sweetheart, Kristin. He said you were out of your league. He didn't accuse you of bestiality. Go sign your contract with Hubris Records and leave the rest of us alone. R.J. tells the camera that he and Randy were on the same wavelength for wanting to "deck Simon." Now wave buh-bye to the camera, R.J. Buh-bye! Christina says she's glad the pressure is off. Nikki says she was glad she could bring some rock and roll to the show. Khaleef says that he actually likes Simon. We'll see how much you like him in two years after Simon has bought a house in the Hamptons from your record sales while you have to pimp yourself out as a celebrity judge on MTV's Spring Break shows to make ends meet.
Commercials. It's time to reveal the second winner. It's Nikki. They bring up Nikki's style and originality, even though she looks like all the other girls in her current belly-revealing peasant blouse. We get a clip show of her performances. Seriously, she looks like all the other girls, except with oddly dyed hair and without prominent breasts. The judges blah blah blah some more about her originality. Don't get me wrong; I'm glad she's there rather than somebody so transparently fake like Kristin. But her look isn't new, original, or particularly different. She's "Hollywood different," which is slightly out of the mainstream, but not threateningly so. It's kind of like how "Hollywood fat" is a size eight. Nikki's happy and talks about spiritual support and how Simon has never been mean to her, et cetera. She defends "shouting" the lyrics to her song last night because it's Bonnie Tyler, and she's fabulous, and that's how she sang it.
Commercials. Really, this show is like ten minutes long. If you took out all the clips from last night's show, it would be three minutes. It's time for the final winner, but first they bring out the other six finalists, live. They all saunter out and line up behind the winners' chairs. Black and Decker mention that they read something interesting about Tamyra on the internet. Apparently somebody decided to name a baby after her. Okay, she was good. But not that good. I hope they just really liked the way the name sounded.
They turn to Jim, who apparently had some sort of interesting experience here in Los Angeles. He says he was at local diner with Ryan and Tamyra. He nods over to Ryan Starr to indicate which one. (He didn't meet up with Host Ryan until later at the baths in West Hollywood.) He says that some guy approached their table and handed Jim a rose and told him to "give it to [his] mom for me." What a bald-faced lie. Just cut out "[his] mom for," and you've probably got what he really said. Then he asked Jim if he'd come over and sing to his table. How tacky. But Jim did it. Black and Decker ask him what he sang. It was "When I Fall In Love." It's probably the only song in his repertoire. He's just going to keep singing it week after week, changing the arrangement so that the music matches whatever theme they might impose for the week. Oh, for the love of all that is good and pure -- Black and Decker beg Jim to sing a few bars for us. Haven't we suffered enough? Jim sings a few bars, and his head immediately tilts into his "confused puppy" look. I can see nothing else through my blinding cloud of rage.
Relief arrives in the form of Kelly. She used to work at a movie theater. After winning last week, she went home to watch a film there, but the manager interrupted the movie to point out Kelly to the crowd. They were probably all watching Minority Report and were relieved that the interruption kept them from thinking about all the ridiculous holes in the plot. Black and Decker tease Kelly, and she speaks on behalf of America by muttering to them that they're not funny.
It's time for the final winner. They ask the judges for their predictions. I don't know why they didn't do this for the first two seats. Maybe the judges really did continue their arguing after the show and didn't sit down to film the predictions. Simon doesn't want to make a prediction. Paula and Simon both predict Eeh-J. Simon points out that the boy "sang his face off last night." I'll pause here so that you can insert your snarky, "No, he nearly ate his face off last night" jokes. Done? Well, for once they're right. There will be no sympathy winner this evening. Ejay lands the third chair. The other kids seem genuinely excited for his victory. Tanesha practically shrieks with joy. They all give him hugs as he heads over to the chairs. It's the triumph of the underdog. And I'll pause here again for dog jokes. (Personally, I think he looks more like a bulldog than a pug.) Done? Okay, he makes his way up to the chair and we get a clip show of his performances. He thanks the judges and everybody for voting for him and promises that he won't go eating anybody's face off.
And that's it. But before we go, Black and Decker want to take one last moment to make sure that I hate them more than the American Family Association. Ryan calls Simon out for calling two candidates "losers" and challenges him to identify them now that they're onstage. Does he think that Simon won't? He called an entire stage of rejectees losers in Pasadena. Not wanting to end up responsible for any more votes for A.J. or Jim, Simon backtracks and admits that it was possibly the wrong term. But he's not at all afraid to say that he doesn't think A.J. or Jim have the talent to be in the finals. He challenges them to prove him wrong, and adds that he's not going to pretend that every one of the finalists is going to be a star. He thinks there will be two or three at the most. And of course, everybody starts arguing with him because we're all stars! R.E.M. says so! And The Beatles! I think Moby did, too! Anyway, tonight's live show goes out not with a bang, but a bicker, as Ryan tries to cut off the judges to thank everybody and remind the seven non-winners that there's still the wild card up for grabs.
week: There's no Tuesday show, so watch The Mole instead. The "Wild Card" selection will take place on an hour-long show on Wednesday night.