Then Ryan brings ALW out to talk, and it's all really boring and really pointless except for two things, neither of which are the fact that the audience effing screams when ALW mentions them in the most oblique way. Calm down, you fucking freaks; David A. is never going to notice you that way so give it up. But the two things: one being that Ryan brings up The Great Brooke White Stop/Start of '08, which apparently is a big enough deal to warrant massive amounts of damage control despite the fact that -- SPOILER -- it didn't affect the results. Or rather, it didn't adversely affect the results. I'd wager that the whole bloody affair probably got some folks off their asses to vote for her out of sympathy. The other thing is that ALW and Jason Castro apparently had the world's most unfailingly polite dust-up, because he's still talking today about how Jason just would not take his advice and probably hated him. The degree to which I do not care is impressive.
Pimpmercial: the song is "Tainted Love" (aw, where you at, Danny Noriega?), and the video is some kind of mishmash between that movie Doomsday that just came out and also Heroes. Everybody gets to play freakish Thunderdome versions of themselves except for the who person who couldn't be scary if he had his finger on the button, so David A. gets to be the comic book artist writing this whole thing instead. Fin.
Then...oh, well then it's just from one vulgarity to another as the President and his dead-eyed wife appear in a video clip, talking about Idol Gives Back and thanking us/asking us/congratulating us/making us complacent/trying to convince us that what we do is nearly as significant as what he hasn't done. Also SIT UP STRAIGHT, for chrissakes. You're the goddamn PRESIDENT, get your elbows off your knees. I'd mention the irony in GWB talking about how Idol is important because "it shows how one person with talent can win over an audience of millions," but why bother? Because in the time it takes me to type "Then how did a person without talent do it, sir?" you'll have already gotten there. .
Ryan tells us that we're only doing Bottom Two this evening, though the Couch of Safety remains as massive as ever. Ryan calls Davids Cook and Archuleta to the stage, and clearly they're safe. He asks David Cook about his decision to sing "Music Of The Night" straight, and David pretty much says what we all said, which is that if the judges were going to persist in calling him "brave" all the time, he might as well actually do something different and sing the song as written this time. He's totally right, it was a smart strategic move, and yet: back in your box, dude. So, yeah, they're both safe, and they'll be back week to sing with Neil Diamond. Awwwwwwesome. Ryan kicks it to commercial, but before he does, the BEST thing happens: we cut to the remaining four backstage, Ryan telling us that they're all waiting on pins and needles to find out who's safe, and Jason is totally in the middle of a gigantic yawn. How can you not love him?? Anyway: commercials.
After the break, instead of taking viewer questions (YAY!), we jump right back into the eliminations. Carly and Jason are called to the stage, and I am almost positive Carly is in the bottom two. It's just too perfect a scenario that after a season's worth of underperforming and hanging on by her fingernails, she knocks one out of the park and ends up going home or close to it. Ryan and Jason amuse me by futzing around about Cats and how totally out of it Jason appears at all times, and Jason stoners that all he knows is he doesn't want to have to sing it again. Ryan then asks Carly why she ended up changing songs for last night, and she says it's because "Superstar" was the more fun choice, and seeing as she'd been spending the whole season in a futile effort to flow her lungs out trying to live up to Randy Jackson's diva fetish, she figures she might actually try enjoying herself from here on out. So America voted, as they tend to do, and Jason's safe and Carly is not. Mmm hmm. Carly manages to take it like a total champ, which is leaps and bounds past what she's done over the course of the season, so good for her. Ryan asks Simon to explain this travesty of justice, and Simon just sort of tosses his hands up and goes, "Who knows, dude? It's Top 6." He says Brooke fucked up but had a very human moment, while Jason was shitty but charming, so it's not like it's a giant shock that they're safe.
So with fifteen minutes of show left, we're making the Bottom Two sing their songs again. Carly goes first, and it's still easily my favorite performance of the bunch. It's a better song than the others, granted, but still, Carly's bringing it. When it's Syesha's turn, she looks a little out of place without the orchestra and the piano and such, but she's as okay as she was last night. There's a funny little cutaway to Ryan and Carly animatedly chit-chatting instead of paying attention to Syesha, which I think is funny.
After the break, it's time to find out who's going. Ryan asks us which of the two will be "put out of their misery," meanwhile they're both smiling and totally calm. You can tell it kind of offends him to see both Syesha and Carly seem so well-adjusted to whatever the outcome. Again, the KLC factor coming into play. He point-blank asks them why they're so friggin' calm. Neither of them gives the real answer ("Since neither of us is named David, we know we can't win this thing anyway, so whatever."), and instead they talk about how they're roomies. Ryan goes to the judges for clarity, and Randy says the dumbest thing ever, advancing the notion that this was a "popularity week" in the voting. Yeah, this week was unusual in that viewers put down their rubrics and didn't base their votes on a painstaking evaluation of the performances' merits but rather simply who they liked best. How unlike them! Ryan Seacrest, put me out of my misery. Nationwide vote. America decided. Carly's going home. And not that I think order of elimination means a whole lot among the four un-Davids, but regardless: BOO. After a season's worth of shaky, underwhelming, frustratingly wrong-headed performances, you can't call this booting unjust, but as is the case anybody gets sent home on their best performance, it's a bit of a shame.