First thing's first: the final 8 group sing is the most hilarious yet. "Bailamos"! It's everything you ever laughed at Enrique Iglesias for, multiplied by eight. "Te quiero, mi amor." Then, to help pad things out for the full hour, Ryan Seacrest performs man-on-the-street interviews, lending even more credence to the fact that SANJAYA IS FOR THE CHILDREN. Akon has apparently been camping out at the studio for two weeks because he's still there and singing that one song of his. Ryan offers us a preview of the untold amounts of filler we're in for during Idol Really Cares...Really week, which includes the triumphant return of "...Other Door," but it's not the same. Results? Oh THAT'S what we're here's for. Phil's bottom three, as is Haley. The last spot at the center of the stage comes down to Sanjaya or Chris, and after some tooling around and making Sanjaya even more the center of attention than he usually is, beautiful Chris is sent to join the other two. BOO! But then he's sent back! YAY! J-Lo then gets an outtake reel that shows her to be even prettier and cooler than I thought yesterday. You're all still sworn to secrecy about that. She then gives a performance that is essentially a halftime show in search of a game. Phil and Haley return for the boot, and without a whole lot of fanfare, it's Haley. Finally. Then she has to sing goddamn "Turn the Beat Around" and is unable to adjust the choreography so she ends up working the audience for no reason whatsoever. Lucky for all of us, she winds up in the middle of a Blake/Chris makeout session before the sign-off. Not a bad way to go, considering. week: I'm back, and I think it's country night. I'm saying it right now: Sanjaya sings "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" or else none of this has been worth it.
Weirdly enough, none of the Top 8 look like they're going to hurl as Ryan walks the line past them with his usual "eight may enter, only seven shall leave" spiel. When he gets to the end of the line, Sanjaya's there, of course, and Ryan stares at him for an eternity after asking who will be leaving us tonight. Because the fact that it's so totally not going to be Sanjaya is a joke to everyone, as we'll see later on. We've got an hour of results tonight, which means filler out to here, but weirdly, it's one of the more entertaining hours Idol has produced during this odd, odd season.
In the first of several "That's right...we're American fucking Idol" displays tonight, Eva Longoria and Sharon Osbourne are both shown in the audience, neither of them captioned. They're just lucky to bathe in Idol's wake, you see. Ryan asks the crowd who their favorite is, and one eager Melinda fan gets to screaming before everyone else, though you do hear a good amount of "Blake!" in there as well. He promises us an "action-packed" show tonight, filled with updates on the songwriting competition (BAM!) and "Idol Gives Back" (POW!). He's right, it does sound action-packed. Ryan introduces the judges, and Simon pops a wink at Randy, just to switch things up. Ryan asks his newfound rival for Simon's fake affections about how he kept saying last night that these Latin songs don't require much in the way of "singing." Randy's like, "Yeah, as I said last night, these songs may appear easy to sing, but they're really hard." Which is the exact opposite of what he and the rest of the judges said last night, so we're off to a flying start in terms of bald-faced falsification. Then Ryan asks Paula something about "seeing another side to the contestants," and she starts giggling like crazy for some untold reason. Great, which one of the boys is she sexually harassing this season? I mean, beyond what we've already seen.
Before we get to the harsh eliminations buffered by an avalanche of filler, Ryan wants us to give it up for the Top 8 as they sing "Bailamos."
...! [THUD]
Sorry, I just sort of fell over. "Bailamos"! Awesome! Hilarious! Oh, this is going to be awful. In and of itself, "Bailamos" is hilarity personified, as are each and every one of Enrique Iglesias's songs. It's not as funny as the one where Mickey Rourke punches him to death while Jennifer Love Hewitt screams in silent terror, but not before she and Enrique do it atop a pile of dirty, sweaty money. That's the best. This one's up there, though. So the Top 8 take their positions onstage, spaced out with their backs to the audience. Whoever's turn it is to sing at a given moment turns around to face us, then turns right back again. Chris R starts us off, which I am given to understand means he's the Chosen One. Hey, just like last year when that other Chris was totally the Chosen One. He won, right? Not to mention, Chris R now joins Melinda, Blake, Jordin, LaKisha, Chris Sligh, Antonella, and Sundance as this season's Chosen Ones. Conspiracy! Back to "Bailamos": Melinda's brilliant, of course, but she hands it off to Haley and Sanjaya, who are apocalyptic enough individually. Together, they're truly unsettling. They all collectively have no rhythm whatsoever as they sing the chorus. Everyone you think should be great is indeed great. Jordin sounds a thousand percent better than she did last night. She should have chosen this song!
Blake and LaKisha are at center stage, and he spins her around as they sing. They're both the exact same height, which means they could both fit in the palm of your hand with room to spare. , they all line up and face the audience, but the camera is now behind them. The boys, one after the other, Chris-Phil-Blake-Sanjaya, each breaks off and sings a line, culminating in the grossest, funniest, most predictable thing of all time: Sanjaya getting all up in the camera and whispering, "Te quiero, mi amor!" The best thing is that if you've ever heard this song before, you know exactly what's going to happen by the time Phil sings his line. And yet we're all powerless to stop this runaway train made of skeeviness. Jordin takes over the glory notes at the end, while Melinda and Blake goof around, because they're part of the Cool Kids, and the Cool Kids rock. Best group sing ever!
After commercials, Ryan introduces last week's Idol Challenge winners, while Sharon Osbourne sits a row back and pouts that no one's paying attention to her. Ryan and the judges are very giggly tonight. Ryan talks about how the weekly $10,000 prize is "nothing" to Simon, and then asks us whether Elliott, Katharine, or Taylor performed with Meatloaf last season. Actually, and not to be mean, but I think if you put all three of them together, you would have Meatloaf: a pudgy guy who gets super nervous and prefers to sing big, dramatic ballads. Also, that's about as close to Elliott's face as I ever want to be, okay? is an update on the songwriting competition. Are you ready: there have been over 5,000 entries so far. Consider yourselves updated.
Macro-Filler Segment #1: Ryan tells us that while each week, they get our votes, they don't ever get to hear our fully-formed thoughts on the show. Yeah, you know, the universe really is strangely silent on the topic of this show, week in and week out. If only more people would talk about it! Anyway, they sent Ryan out to conduct man-on-the-street interviews in order to tread water until J. Lo's ready to perform. He's at the Farmer's Market in L.A., though I'm not sure what that's supposed to mean in terms of the kinds of people we're going to run into. The Farmer's Market looks like one of those fake streets they have at Disney World, by the way. Even homegrown produce looks fake in L.A.! So Ryan talks to people. I'm not going to recap all of them. J. Lo gets a thumbs-up from an old man who is also from the Bronx, only he doesn't catch on when Ryan tries to make a "from the Block" reference. "The girl in the skimpy clothes" was agreeable to an affable bald guy, while two girls with "Blake" signs (just shopping for veggies, carrying their Blake signs) give props to Melinda. People can't pronounce Sanjaya's name but still like him. Some unsupervised little girl -- parents, please don't leave your children in the care of Ryan Seacrest; they'll end up hosting something on E! -- likes Sanjaya, to the exclusion of people like Blake and Jordin. Clearly, this little girl is what's wrong with America. Jordin gets props elsewhere, while "the big girl wearing all red" (Ryan: "Randy?") also gets some notice. Little Orphan Sanjaya-Fan also likes LaKisha, and Affable Bald Guy feels bald solidarity with Phil, at Ryan's prompting. An even younger girl literally makes goo-goo-ga-ga noises, which Ryan interprets as being pro-Blake, because he has a one-track mind tonight, and that track is the Blake Track Of Blakeful Blakenment. He asks a redheaded mom and her redheaded daughter about Chris R., but they don't know who that is. Ryan's like, "Justin Timberlake?" Oh! They remember now; yeah, he's hot. Then Ryan sexually harasses some older lady, who isn't buying it any more than we are. Oh, Ryan, you libidinous scoundrel, you.
Then Ryan says something confusing about going online and choosing your favorite songs that are currently on the Billboard charts, and those favorite songs will be what the contestants have to choose from during some unspecified Current Music Week. Or something. He's very vague about it. But so long as "Glamorous" gets covered by someone, I'll be happy. Then, Ryan's like, "Speaking of performers currently on the Billboard charts, here's Akon to perform for no reason whatsoever!" This would be Macro-Filler Segment #2. Did Akon just never leave the building after he was here with Gwen Stefani? Why is he performing now? Is he secretly Latin? This is dumb. Akon sings and flirts with the pre-teens in the audience, who are the only ones who know who he is. The end. Commercials.
Pimpmercial: "Happy Together," sung in the key of that Michael Jackson video where everyone's face morphs into the person's face. And since we're dealing with such craniums as Melinda's, Sanjaya's, and Phil's, imagine how frightfully scary it is. Of note: Blake's face morphing into Haley's face is oddly seamless. Sweet dreams, Blake lovers. Back on the couches, everyone is equal parts amused and disturbed. Ryan then goes back into corporate wheedling mode as he once again shames non-participating businesses into donating some goddamn money already. NewsCorp did! And they're evil!
Now what comes is really a new frontier in filler. As a way of killing time in this episode, Ryan begins to preview the kinds of filler we'll be getting in two weeks during the Idol Cares telethon. Such as comedy! And the judges getting all sentimental! Ryan points at Simon and says, "One of those two bulges in the chest is a heart." Oh, that's just the beginning, folks. Let's kick it to some footage from Africa: Simon introduces young "Caroline," and also the "school in a box" care package from UNICEF. The school in a box is essentially an entire classroom's worth of supplies in one box. Simon ticks off the inventory, from rulers to math charts, to "pencils." Of course, he says "pencils," but we see colored chalk. Looks like Simon might need a school-in-a-box of his very own. Simon goofs around with the kids, who have all drawn pictures of him on their mini-chalkboards. One of them has drawn Simon complete with man-boobs. Simon's really very sweet and self-effacing about it, all "I'm not very happy with you, Caroline." For all the dishing it out he does, Simon's almost...eager to mock his physical shortcomings. I have to say, I didn't expect that. Back in the studio, the judges continue to be all hopped up on laughing gas or whatever. It annoys me when they bicker, but this getting-along thing is far more disturbing. Ryan asks Simon if, should the show raise $20 million, he'd get up on the stage and sing. Simon's like, "You can do better than that." Ryan keeps wheedling at higher amounts, Simon keeps saying no. If I'm being honest, Simon and Ryan, that was a little cutesy, a little too scripted. A bit cabaret. Not good enough.
Back to previewing the Idol Cares filler: we'll be getting clip packages and practical jokes, apparently, because what we get now is audition footage of the three judges spliced in with Tony Bennett (in his hideous mustard sport coat, which only serves to remind me of my grandpa even more than Tony usually does) pretending like he's just another wannabe, begging for another chance. It goes on for-ever, but it does include a teensy bit of "I Left My Heart In San Francisco," which was the one song I never wanted to hear on this show, because that's my grandpa's song and it's special, goddammit. But the fact that it's actually Tony Bennett singing it and not, you know, Haley -- that helps a bit. Anyway, Tony gets other-doored at the end there, and of course it's lovely to have that back, but it's not the same when it's scripted. See how jaded I've become this season? Right on schedule, too.
After the commercials, we are FINALLY ready to get to some damn results. Oy, but first we have to recap last night: J. Lo was there, and I forgot to mention her sparkly-silver turtleneck top with the puffy short sleeves. Dare I say she pulls it off? Blake gave, per Randy, a "hot performance" of a "hot song." Jordin and LaKisha operated Miami Sound machinery, and only one of them was at all interested in her own performance, which is why LaKisha did better. But LaKisha's the one who gets saddled with the negative Simon soundbite. Simon was borderline offensive about Haley's legs, but...she's the one who keeps shoving them in our faces. We see Haley walking off the stage as she rolls her eyes to the cameras and says, "I guess I'm gonna go put a robe on." And, look, I'd be a hell of a lot more sympathetic to her if it wasn't completely obvious that she is using "dressing sexy" as a tactic to get votes, and using it quite clumsily, if you ask me. In the abstract, yes, Simon's a dick for reducing pretty girls' worth with that whole "Well, the guys will be voting for you" attitude, and I like the fact that even from the beginning she knew those "Well, you look pretty" compliments weren't really compliments. But come fucking on. She kind of loses the high ground when she's all, "Almost voted out? Better change tactics!" and then starts flashing the nation every week. Anyway: Phil and Chris covered Santana and neither was any good, though the judges lied on Chris's behalf. And Melinda was good, but she got that long-time-coming Simon critique anyway. And then finally...Sanjaya. And that Look! Maybe Sanjaya isn't for the children after all.
So, let's get the hell on with it, huh? Almost. Ryan once more tries to get Melinda to say an unkind word about mean old Simon. Melinda essentially says she appreciates Simon's comments when he's being positive, so she'd be kind of a dick if she gave his words the back of her hand now. So Ryan gets reductive, all, "So you liked it, then?" Melinda's like, "No. Didn't say I liked it, but I appreciate and respect it. Make your trouble elsewhere, sir." Thwarted, Ryan turns to Haley and asks if Simon's comments offended her. She won't say they offended her, but they hurt a little. She defends her wardrobe choices, saying she'd never walk out on stage with anything inappropriate, so I suppose electrical tape's a no-go for week. She's like, "It was Latin week! I wanted to get in the mood." I love that. "All the Mexican girls wear hot pants! Why can't I?" Ryan turns to Blake, but he's nice enough to pause and let the girls squeal from the audience. Blake looks bashful, and Ryan -- who cannot look at Blake without giggling like a teenager -- goes, "Oh, you love it!" There's some blah-blah about Blake writing the lyrics on his wrist, and he goes, "I get nervous, I must say," and he's really unbelievably adorable. Finally, Ryan asks Phil if he feels safe. You know whatever Phil says is going to be gross. "I feel good to be here, I'm just blessed!" With the biggest most disingenuous smile yet. Like I said.
Finally, Ryan has Phil stand up to learn his fate: he was super crappy and he's in the bottom three. Ryan has to actually instruct the audience to applaud for him, which cannot be good for his prospects. LaKisha's . Ryan manages to pronounce "Conga" correctly, and he fucks with her a bit, saying, "Surprisingly...you are safe." That last bit there was for the benefit of those of us dumb enough to believe Dial Idol. Not like I haven't been sweating it for Jordin the last three weeks for that very reason. Speaking of which: Jordin's safe too. WOO! Sanjaya's , and Ryan has him stand up, then he's like, "Oh, sit down, we'll deal with you later." No one knows what to make of that at all.
Melinda's , she's safe. She and Haley and Blake and Chris -- all in the bottom row -- are all handsy with each other throughout this whole deal. Poor Jordin, stuck in the back row with all the anti-social ones. Haley suppresses a grin, because it's funny how screwed she is this week. She's also back to dressing like a weird throwback -- off-the-shoulders purple top and leather pants -- rather than a girl in a rap video, so that's good too. She's in the bottom three, like, no kidding. Sanjaya is called up (Sanjaya: "Hello, again!") and then told to wait, again. Blake's straight-up laughing, but Chris knows better. Because Blake's safe -- Ryan goes, "Mark Anthony song? Niiice." Get a room, you two! -- and they wouldn't be screwing with Sanjaya so excessively if he weren't also safe. Which he is. So it's Chris in the bottom three, for the second time this season. This time, he kind of deserves it, if only for this week's performance. Chris, as usual, is all, "Ain't no thang!" and hustles over to the center of the stage, where he gives Haley a big, genuine hug, and then, like, bops Phil on the pinky finger. Hee. Ryan's gonna let these three stew for a bit, and he kicks it to commercial.
When we come back, it's still Chris, Haley, and Phil onstage, and before I can even begin to wonder if they're going to have to just stand there while J. Lo performs, Ryan says he's going to send one of them back. Normally, this is the Phil Stacey Memorial Reprieve, but we've run out of people for Haley to barely fend off in Bottom Two, so it's Chris who gets to sit back down. We're robbed of Chris and Blake's Brokeback embrace, but we can all imagine it. Ryan asks if it's nerve-wracking being up there. Haley's like, "Are you fucking kidding?" Then he turns to Phil, who's still stupidly grinning. "We're just blessed to be here, man! Seriously!" Again, he says this. Ryan is disgusted, some more, as he should be.
Ryan's going to let the both of them twist for a while as we remember how much everyone loved Jennifer Lopez last night. Yeah, I suppose a mentor's outtake reel would count as Macro Filler Segment #3. I should also mention Ryan's weird Johnny Drama accent when he says how much "good stuff" wound up on the cutting room floor. He's never going to replace Dick Clark if he can't get a better hold on his non-regional diction. Everyone has glowing things to say about J. Lo, each in their own way. Haley was "star-struck," Chris speaks of "passion," and Phil has a lot of Phil-talk about how she's a blessed and wonderful person or whatever. J. Lo invites everyone to gather round and "pop a squat." Chris and Jordin enthuse about her real-ness -- it's like listening to one of her albums! To that end, LaKisha's like, "Homegirl from the block. Jenny from the Block." It's just generally a repeating loop of the words "real" and "passionate" and "down-to-earth," repeated over and over, in different combinations and by different people. J. Lo says she and her skeletal ghoul of a husband watch the show all the time. We see a repeat of her "Big voice, small voice, no voice, no matter!" speech from last night, and Haley still receives it like holy communion. "You gotta have passion" seems to be her central thesis. And finally, this bit of surrealistic vaudeville, as Sanjaya says hopefully J. Lo picked up on his own passion, "and, um, maybe I'll get her number later, and we won't have to tell Mark Anthony anything about that." And then he smiles evilly at the camera. Whatever, I thought that was cute. There. I've been working for the very enemy I thought I was fighting against.
Back onstage, Jennifer Lopez is about to perform. There is dry ice everywhere, like we're in a kingdom of elves or whatever. J. Lo, bracelets still firmly in place, is joined by several dozen dancers dressed like...storm troopers? Jack-booted fly girls? Not sure. Not sure what song she's singing ("Que Hiciste"?), either, but it's off her current album. And call me crazy, but she doesn't sound half bad. Maybe she and Sanjaya were meant to be. They both clearly sound much better in Spanish. I guess I forgot to mention this in the last recap: I like Jennifer Lopez. I have since before this appearance on Idol. I didn't always. The "I'm Real" era bugged me as much as anyone. Not to mention the choices in "acting" roles. But at some point in the last few years, I'd decided I liked her again. And the only reason I could think of was that she thumbed her nose at PETA one time. And since that's not a good reason, I just kind of shrugged my shoulders when asked to explain such an indefensible position. But now I think I can: she works hard at it. She's not a naturally gifted singer -- she is a naturally gifted dancer, and she's shown flashes of being a gifted actress -- but she works hard to be a good performer. And she seems like a nice person. Granted, I've only ever seen her when there's been a camera in front of her face, but whenever I've seen her, she's been personable and gracious and sweet. I know: all-day sucker, right here. But still.
Ryan joins J. Lo onstage, and they're very friendly, holding hands and joking about all the pyro from her performance. Ryan's like, "So as I was saying before, you were amazing and really brought something out of the contestants this week." Which is funny, because the universal opinion is that she was one of the better mentors this season, maybe the best, and even I would agree with that. But on the other hand: almost everyone was either awful (Haley, Phil) or underwhelming (Jordin, Melinda, LaKisha, Chris). So I'm not sure if I'd go so far as "brought something out of the contestants." J. Lo then says how we all may forget how pants-crappingly scary it is to be performing on that stage, but she gives these kids all the credit in the world. Ryan, of course, takes this as his cue to mention Simon, and he asks J. Lo to judge the judges. She says she comes from the "Paula school" (and how) and prefers positive feedback. She waits a beat before adding, "Not that we don't need our Simon." So before J. Lo can win over the camera operators and Phil Stacey's wife and anyone else she may have missed this week, Ryan plugs her album and bids her good-bye. "Te quiero," she says. "Mi amor!" I reply.
When we return, it's time to learn the fates of Phil and Haley. Ryan remarks at all the smoke still around from J. Lo's performance. He warns not to breathe it in, or else "our lungs will look like yours, Cowell." He means it as a smoking joke, but after Simon Cowell's Breasts Theatre earlier, everyone's minds go directly to the tits. This stupid show, I swear. Anyway, Ryan calls for the lights to dim. Going home tonight? Haley. Phil at least has the grace to drop the fake-ass smile and give her a hug. Haley tearfully watches her video journey, from personable girl in the Charlie's Angels getup, to Marie Osmond-esque pageant singer, to hyper-sex-bomb who could never quite sell it with her eyes. I'm going to try my best to remember her as the girl who'd blot her eyes and everything would be fine. On the other hand: about damn time. The funny thing is, for as much crap as this season has caught for being sub-par and tainted by the mark of Sanjaya, if Phil goes home week, which is quite possible, the final 6 will be composed of the five best performers in the competition, plus Sanjaya. Which means, based purely on the criteria of what I think, it would automatically qualify as one of the best seasons ever. Of course, if Sanjaya ends up displacing Jordin or Chris or, god forbid, Melinda? I will change my tune so damn fast.
Oh, man! Now she has to sing that godawful song! "Turn the Beat Around" sounds a lot less peppy when you're mourning your lost opportunities on the world's biggest stage. I'm not sure if it was even possible to change the choreography from last night, but wouldn't you think you'd rather just stick around on the stage rather than go catting through the audience? And yet that's what Haley does, shaking her ass for an audience who no longer cares, nor is in any position to do anything for her if they did. Sad. Even Sharon Osbourne is at a loss as to how to take Haley right here. Go back to the stage, girl. She finally does, and she takes the performance over to her fellow contestants, where she should have been the whole time. Because you're not going to have Blake and Chris dancing up on you in the audience, are you? Phil stands on the periphery of the cool kids, but it's just not the same. They're not excluding him, Blake and Chris, they just gravitate toward their own kind. Or else they really are boyfriends, in which case nobody likes a third wheel, Phil.
week: country. And I'm repeating what I said in the recaplet, Sanjaya: "Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy." Or else why are you even on this show?