Tuesday. Ryan "Out Tonight" Seacrest greets us all on the Seal of Tsathoggua with the three remaining finalists. Ryan, I hear, is wearing the exact same outfit that Jimmy Fallon wore when he parodied him in a recent Saturday Night Live skit. I didn't see the episode, because I had something better to do. I don't remember what it was, but I'm sure it was better. Like snorting rubbing alcohol up my nasal passages. Something like that.
Credits. Ryan heads back out onstage. Why doesn't he just stay there during the credits? It's really stupid to have him greet us on the stage, then run back behind it for ten whole seconds, then come right back out. People cheer. Ryan blathers on with a bunch of fake numbers before reminding us that we'll finally pick our American Idol week, after we go through the motions this week so they can get rid of Kimberley. Somebody in the audience holds up a sign promoting Clay and Ruben, except with pictures of Alfred E. Newman and Fat Albert. That's an unusual way of showing support. You guys are caricatures! Wooooo! Ryan has the kids come out again, so they can get more cheers.
Then Ryan pretty much all but tells us to vote for Ruben. He tells us that this isn't a popularity contest. We're supposed to vote for the best singer, not the one we like the most. Because, you know, they didn't have lengthy clips of the kids talking about their lives helping children with special needs, or serving in the military, or getting a day named after them, or anything at all to make us like the finalists for anything other than their singing. The word is "backfire," producers. Look it up.
Then Ryan introduces the judges, Simon "Take Me Or Leave Me" Cowell, Paula "Over The Moon" Abdul, and Randy "I'll Cover You" Jackson. Ryan mentions that Simon was nearly bumped from The Tonight Show. He makes no mention of the fact that Robbie Williams gave Simon a lap dance. I think Ryan's a jealous little bitch. Speaking of jealous, I'm nasty and sarcastic and have manboobs -- where's my Robbie Williams lap dance? Paula is wearing a gangster hat. Ryan rips off my comments about Paula and ascribes them to Randy when he accuses him of "incomprehensible ramblings."
There's no guest judge tonight. Wheeee! Thank God. I was so sick of them. Ryan tells us that the three finalists will each sing three songs tonight. One song chosen by the kids, one song chosen by the judges, and one song chosen at "random." I will be putting "random" in quotes throughout the recap, because I have no reason to believe what Ryan says is actually true. We see a bowl with slips in it. We see the kids pull out a slip. They show us nothing of the process of how the slips ended up in the bowl, who chose the songs, how the songs were chosen for inclusion, how many songs were chosen for the bowl, or anything to actually make us believe that this is truly random. Are the kids even picking from the same "random" songs? It doesn't seem like it.
Kimberley "Without You" Locke is first up. We see her "randomly" pick a slip of paper out of a bowl in Pimp Central and open it to reveal that she has chosen "Band of Gold." Which she sang back in Glendale with that one woman with the boobs whom we must never speak of again. Well, isn't Kim the lucky one? Not that it matters. I'll be saying that a lot about Kim's appearances tonight.
Kim heads out to the Seal wearing a pea-green blouse with orange-ish cuffs and a black skirt. Believe or not, that top looks really good. Of course, Kim does well with a sassy song that lets her belt it out. Now that I think back, I'm still not sure why she did such a bad job with "Heatwave." She even does better on her lower register than she normally does, and there's no sign of breathiness. The audience cheers. Not that it matters.
Judges. Randy declares that she's the most improved contestant in the competition. He says Kim "peaked at the right time." I was going to point out that the right time to peak would be week, but then I remembered that that's not going to be happening. Paula agrees with Randy and says that Kim came to win. Duh. Not that it matters. Simon makes an Al Capone joke at Paula's expense. Then he reminds us all that Kimberley was terrible last week, so we don't get the impression that she sings this well all the time and do something stupid like vote for her instead of Ruben, but says she's sensational tonight. Kimberley heads over to Ryan, who asks how she feels. She feels great. Is it harder having to perform three songs in one night? Oh, the pressure of having to sing a fraction of three songs in one evening! Unsurprisingly, Kimberley says it's not that big a deal. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Wait a minute. No he doesn't. That's odd. Instead, he pimps a [product-placed cell phone] that has video recording features. Which I'm sure comes in so very handy, what with everybody on earth owning a completely different model cell phone than everybody else. Ryan recorded himself hamming it up to the recorder. He probably uses it to remind himself that he's nothing unless he's onscreen somewhere, anywhere.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan plays with some woman's ponytail out in the audience. Yeah, I don't know. It's the drugs. up is Ruben "Seasons Of Love" Studdard. Ruben "randomly" selects Stevie Wonder's "Signed, Sealed, Delivered." He says he's happy with the choice. Why wouldn't he be? I mean, I think it's a great song, but vocally, it's about as challenging as "Mary Had A Little Lamb."
Ryan introduces Ruben to the Seal as he harasses Ruben's brother. Go away, Ryan. Ruben heads out to the stage in a brown shirt that has those weird vertical fade bars that are common on the jeans kids are wearing today. Except that the fade bar is blue. I'm not quite sure how they did that. Anyway, he's also wearing jeans with the normal fade bars. Well, as normal as they are. They make me feel less embarrassed about all the silly things we did with our denim back when I was in high school. Anyway, Ruben's singing is a solid as it generally is, though he's still a bit hoarse. He gets some good energy in the song. He also bounces along very, very mildly and slaps his thigh. Everybody stands and claps like they've been ordered to. Overall, it's a fairly good performance.
Judges. Randy says it's good to see Ruben doing an up-tempo song. He's not sure it was Ruben's best performance, but he "dug it." Paula works the song title into her praise of Ruben, and I refuse to recap that shit. Simon says, "Looks like we got a competition on here. Superb." For totally irrational reasons, I can't stand those sort of "We've really got a competition going on here" comments in the middle of a competition. Perhaps it's because of their toolish obviousness. It's like he feels the need to say something, but doesn't really have anything of interest to contribute. Speaking of toolish obviousness, Ruben heads over to Ryan, who asks him if it really feels like it's all ending soon. Ruben non-answers (because there really isn't an answer to that nonsense) that they're all working hard, and hopefully it will all be over soon. Still no blah blah blah text-message-cakes. I just don't know what to do with myself when Ryan's not constantly giving us the digits, but then reprimanding us not to vote yet.
up is Clay "One Song Glory" Aiken, who has "randomly" selected "Vincent." While I sit here and try to remember if I've ever heard that song before, Clay tells us it's not a song he would have chosen for himself, but it has a nice melody and he hopes he doesn't fuck it up too bad. Or something like that. He hams it up to camera as he's pulling out the card from the bowl and stuff.
Ryan tells us as he introduces Clay that the song is about Vincent Van Gogh, because otherwise it sounds like Clay is singing a tragically romantic song to another guy, and we can't have that on FOX. The opening strains play as Clay comes out to sit on The Stool of Seriousness. Which is slightly different from The Stool of Romance, even if they look the same. I immediately recognize the song when Clay starts singing, and clutch my pearls in horror. Or something like that. It's a total downer song. There's nothing wrong with downer songs. I love downer songs. You just try to pry my Peter Gabriel and Coldplay CDs away from me. But in the context of this show, songs like this are just not rewarded. These people like songs that have all the subtlety of getting hit in the face with a frying pan. And Clay's faux-serious facial expressions don't help. He looks like a supermodel trying to give a speech on homelessness. He's really trying to sell it, but he just can't. Actually, his voice is pretty clean and clear in the song, but he has to toss in unneeded glory notes and make me want to cut my own ear off. Oh, and he forgets the words for several seconds toward the end. In case you haven't followed the post-show drama in the media, the producers made Clay add another verse to the song not long before tonight's show. I wouldn't be surprised if they told Clay five minutes before the show starts week that he had to sing his first song in French.
Judges. Randy says it was kind of boring and wasn't Clay's best performance. Paula agrees that it wasn't Clay's best, and points out that he forgot some of the lyrics. There's no mention that the lyrics he forgot were added at the last minute. And they've made absolutely no reference to Ruben and Joshua screwing up lyrics in rounds. I guess Josh had so many other problems that it hardly seemed worth the effort, but it's just bad form to ignore it when Ruben just sings the words in whatever order he feels like onstage and then make a big deal out of Clay's mistake. Paula points out that it happens to all performers occasionally, and you just have to move on. Simon declares the rendition "dreary." See, he should have smiled his way through it and projected warmth. Just because the song is about a mentally disturbed painter doesn't mean you have to be such a buzzkill about it. Simon says that Clay should be glad he's got two songs left. Clay heads over to Ryan, who points out that this was the hardest criticism yet. How does he come back from that? Clay responds, "You bring it." What, spirit fingers? Ryan tells us Clay has some interesting fashion choices to show off in the rounds, but he's lying. Still no blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for the judges' choices. Randy chose "Anyone Who Had A Heart" for Kimberley. He thinks it would sound great in Kimberley's voice. Note that he's the one Ryan called incomprehensible earlier, but it turns out he's the only one whose song choice explanation makes any sort of logical sense. Kim heads out to the seal in a tan shirt with pinstripes and gray slacks. She practically has to sprint over to the microphone to catch her cue. She starts off by gasping her way through the lyrics. She takes a huge breath between every single line. But she eventually finds her footing and gets some good notes in toward the end. She also does very well with the rather complicated lyrics. It ends on some good, solid singing, though she still has to gasp a bit between each line. There's Quentin Tarantino in the crowd. Don't you have a movie that's a zillion dollars over budget and five years late to complete? I know this because he was shooting some scenes out here in my area last November.
Judges. Randy says she did a great job. Not that it matters. Paula says she "[tore] everybody's heart open" and compares her to figure skater Sarah Hughes. Does that mean that nobody's going to remember who she is a month after the show's over? Simon says it was good, but he wasn't blown away, because Kimberley is not Ruben and Ruben is the sun and the sky and sea and the stars and there's a Ruben for every season and a Ruben for every man, woman, and child. Ruben. Ruben Ruben Ruben. Ruben Ruben. Kimberley heads over to Ryan, who points out that people have taken to calling her K.Lo. He asks her what she thought of the song she was given. She says she was horrible at first, but Debra, the vocal coach, helped her work with the song and do a great job. Or "good-ish," if you want to use the term Simon used to describe a performance of somebody other than Ruben. Still no blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Instead, Ryan turns to Simon to found out what song he chose for Ruben. They bicker briefly over who is the bigger camera whore. Ryan reveals that Simon hired a documentary crew to follow him around. I imagine whatever they produce is going to end up being the music industry equivalent of Scared Straight. Anyway, Simon says they tried to pick a song that "sums up [Ruben's] character." So they picked "Smile," because Ruben smiles a lot. Except that "Smile" is a song about suffering, and the title is a bit ironic. Although, since Ruben smiles through sad songs anyway, perhaps the song really does sum up Ruben's character.
Ruben heads out to the Seal in a blue shirt and khakis. He exhorts us all to smile through all the pain and suffering. Smile, while good singers get tossed aside in favor of pretty blonde girls. Smile, while a talented performer loses out to a constipated Marine. ["SMILE, WHILE YOUR VIRGIN SACRIFICE IS SENT HOME AND YOU REMAIN TRAPPED IN THE BOWELS OF THE EARTH." -- Tsathoggua] Ruben, amusingly, hardly smiles during this performance. And unsurprisingly, this is another song that doesn't really challenge the singer with a complicated range. It's a very plodding song. Nice, but meh. And what I find hysterical during the performance is that it looks like somebody has talked to Ruben about the "please don't take my baby away!" gestures. He starts to make the gesture, but then catches himself and moves his arm away to the side or puts it back down. His voice is getting hoarser, and he's having a harder time holding out the notes. Not that anybody will notice.
Judges. Randy says that Ruben's things got done. Paula says that Ruben warmed everybody's heart and that the shots of him smiling with the dimples are the "money shot." Well, I'm sure "ka-ching!" sounds are going off in Simon's head, anyway. Simon declares the performance superb. Ruben heads over to Ryan, who tells us all that Tarantino's a big Ruben fan. See, all the cool kids are voting for Ruben. Except Tarantino hasn't been cool for, like, a decade now.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan is letting some woman in the audience feel his hair. She responds, "It's not as hard as I thought it would be." Ryan quips a sex joke, because he's a fucking idiot. I bet FOX's standards and practices folks have him beaten after every episode. ["The problem with that, of course, is that he likes it." -- Sars] Ryan asks Paula what they picked for Clay. She says they picked "Mack The Knife," because it's an American classic (emphasis mine), and she says that if Clay pulls it off, he will never be accused of being a lounge singer ever again. I just don't even know what to say. I suppose I can forgive that Paula didn't know that "Mack The Knife" was originally German, because I certainly didn't know until some folks posted it on the boards and I did some quick research. But I just don't have words to describe the utter moronitude of Paula for thinking that the song would stop people from thinking that Clay was a lounge singer. Also, like many Generation X-ers, my first exposure to the song was actually the parody used in the McDonald's commercials in the '80s, so sadly, I will always associate it with a guy wearing a foam moon on his head and singing about Chicken McNuggets, and not with some freakishly upbeat murderer.
So Clay heads out to the stage in a black suit with no tie like a lounge singer, and stands up at the microphone and smirks like a lounge singer, and snaps his finger like a lounge singer, and sings like a lounge singer. Wow, Clay does not get this song at all. Actually, he probably does, but singing the song with the sort of smirking, creepy effortlessness it requires probably wouldn't go over well. And after the travesty of "Vincent," he probably knows better than to go for subtlety. Instead, he turns it into an upbeat Vegas number and tosses in some glory notes at the end. The audience claps and cheers and pretends that Clay isn't singing about a serial killer. It just occurs to me that both of Clay's songs so far were essentially about death. More fodder for the conspiracy folks?
Judges. Randy gives Clay a standing ovation. Paula declares that Clay was "ultra-cool." I still think he was smarmy. Simon says Clay pulled a great performance "out of a hat." No, he pulled the bad performance out of the hat. You guys picked this one for him. Clay heads over to Ryan, who blathers about him getting back in the competition or whatever. Nobody cares.
We move right on to third round, where the kids get to choose the songs. Kimberley is first. She tells us that she picked Natalie Cole's "Inseparable," because it's a challenging song whose lyrics are close to her heart. She heads out to the stage in a pale blue shirt and black slacks. She starts off a little breathy, but on pitch, and then belts the hell out of the rest of the song. If this were the first season, we'd all be going "Whoa!" But this season, it doesn't matter. Clay and Ruben are the crowned kings of the season. Kimberley very nearly brings the house down during this performance, but it doesn't mean a damned thing.
Judges. Randy says that Kimberley's really trying to win the competition. Not that it matters. Paula incomprehensibly compares Kimberley to a diamond, telling her she's beautiful, but smooth as silk. You know, like a diamond. Everybody say it with me: Shut up, Paula. Simon points out that this is the first season he's done the show where they've had three good performers in the final three. He lies that he doesn't know which three are going to make it to the finals, and says they all deserve it. Then he jokes that he's starting to sound like Paula. Paula leans over and rubs one of Simon's manboobs. Kimberley heads over to Ryan, who says, "Let's talk about reality. week, you could be standing on that stage, competing for the title of American Idol…" I thought he said we were going to be talking about reality? How badly does Kimberley want to win? Is it bad enough to beat Ryan to death with his microphone for asking such a fuck-ass question? Sadly, no. She gives the "it's an honor just to be nominated" speech. She knows she's getting ejected. Ryan finally gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan tells us that FOX has changed its name to the American Idol Network, and it's just going to show nothing but AI forever and ever. Actually, he tells us that that there's a special on Monday, which means that there's going to be four hours of American Idol week. Four! And of that, I'm sure at least thirty minutes of it will be new content. I'm this close to posting Buffy finale spoilers all over the place in an effort to get fired.
Anyway, up is Ruben. He tells us he's singing Peabo Bryson's "If Ever I'm Your In My Arms Again," because he loves it, and it's his favorite Peabo song and it's perfect for him. He heads out in a gray denim jacket and khakis. This song should be perfect for him, but frankly, he sounds awful. His voice is a hoarse, off-pitch, and just rather blah. Ruben's face is covered with sweat. Covered! He's not doing anything but standing and singing, and he looks like he's about to collapse. I have doubts Ruben could even make it through a whole concert. Not that anybody notices. Or rather, based on what I've read over the weekend, not that anybody would comment on it, because we wouldn't want to risk one of the anointed ones getting bumped from the show. Ah, if only Season Two Spike were still around. He'd know what to do. Kill everybody involved. Which would suit me fine.
Judges. Randy says he could feel Ruben's "passion." Paula declares it a great night. Simon says vote for Ruben, vote for Ruben, vote for Ruben, vote for Ruben. Actually, he says the finals wouldn't be the same without Ruben, but it's the same thing. Vote! For! Ruben! Ruben heads over to Ryan, who points out Ruben's sweatiness and caresses the guy's forehead. Fortunately for all of us, he doesn't sniff or -- God help us all -- lick his fingers afterward. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Apparently the show is running too short, so Ryan has to drag it out by reminding us that if we don't vote, another Tamyra incident could happen, which he calls a "tragedy." Yes, it was horrible how she ended up in fourth place instead of third. And look at how it all turned out, what with her being on a television show while 19 Entertainment has paid some guy to apparently seal second runner-up Nikki McKibbin inside a wall somewhere. The irony of Ryan's statement is that, in trying to tell us that our votes are important, he accidentally revealed that they really have no bearing in what will happen to these kids after the show is over. Also, I hope Nikki shows up at the finale and goes all Carrie on these dipshits. And this is coming from somebody who was also horrified that Tamyra was ejected before Nikki.
Finally, it's time for Clay Aiken's song. Clay tells us that they were supposed to pick a song by their idol. Clay says that his mother's his idol, because they probably couldn't get the rights to any of the songs performed by his actual musical idols, whomever they may be. So instead, he's going to over-sing "Unchained Melody," Mom's favorite song. And Demi Moore's.
Clay heads out to the seal in a black shirt and coat with jeans. Oh my God, this arrangement is so awful. It's got musical effects in the background that make it sound like cartoon fairies and hummingbirds are flying around Clay's head. Bambi frolics in the woods to this sort of music. I guess since they couldn't completely ruin Clay's third song choice, they decided to ruin his music instead. But Clay over-sings it with that slight head tilt and his slow, owlish blinking, and I don't care anyway. He adds enough ornamentation to his notes to decorate a Christmas tree. And the audience eats it all up, of course. Hit us in the face again with your frying pan of talent, Clay!
Judges. Randy points out how awful the arrangement was, but he loved Clay's singing. Paula says Clay's performance was the best of the whole competition. Simon says he wouldn't go that far -- he thought Clay was good, but a bit "over the top." He also suggests keeping the three finalists and voting off Ryan. Can I vote off all the insults that Simon already used last season? Because it's getting a bit stale. Clay heads over to Ryan, who holds up a fan sign that reads, "Clay is my Ameraiken [sic!] Idol." It also features a hysterically awful painting/picture of Clay singing with his eyes closed and his head tilted back, making his nostrils the main feature of the image. And this person was a fan? Even Clay laughs at the ugliness of the poster, pointing out that it makes him look like he's asleep and you can see his brain through his nostrils. Ryan also mentions that Brooke Burke, the host of that unwatchable Dog Eat Dog show, is in the audience and is a fan of Clay's. Ryan tries to convince us that he finds Brooke attractive, and fails. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes for Clay.
Commercials. Okay, the latest Excedrin guy has eyes that are like big black holes in his face. I think they're trying to take over the world through mass hypnosis.
We return back to Pimp Central, where three sad production assistants pretend that they have anything to say to Ryan. They rush off as he heads over to the swirl couch for their [product-placed cola] non-terviews. They're leaving Tsathoggua behind week and performing at a bigger stage. ["THERE ARE TUNNELS, SO I'LL BE THERE. IT'S LIKE THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA DOWN HERE." -- Tsathoggua] Are they nervous? A little. Not really. Whatever. Ryan points out that Kimberley's fly was open earlier during one of the songs. Classy.
After the clip show, Ryan urges us to vote, while producers order Kimberley's lines disconnected to make sure we all vote for Ruben! Ruben Ruben Ruben!
Wednesday. When did FOX turn into MTV? The show starts seven minutes late as the kids from That '70s Show try to convince us that they're still funny and interesting. They're not. Shut up, Fez. Finally, Melodramatic Announcer melodramatically reminds us that only two of the three kids will be in the finals, and we'll find that out tonight. The kids stand on the Seal. Ruben is wearing the XXXXXL version of the patchwork outfit Charles Grigsby wore earlier in the season. And no 205! At all! On either day!
Credits. Ryan enters from the crowd, where some sad blonde girl holds up a sign begging Ryan to pull her ponytail. He does. He's still not going to sleep with you, dear. Ryan is wearing a dark blue woman's shirt with frilly cuffs. He heads up to the stage to tell us that they managed to drag the results show out to an hour by bringing back Tamyra Gray and Justin Guarini to sing for us. He greets the judges by making reference to Simon's manboobs. I guess the forums can take that as a shout-out. Ryan, if you really want us to know that you're reading us, find a way to eat something onstage to prove to us that you aren't manorexic. Simon is confused and doesn't know what "manboobs" are. Heh. Ryan tells us that Paula has a new man in her life. I'm sure he's just thrilled when she calls out the names of the various male contestants (not to mention Simon) while they're having sex. Ryan also makes another stupid "dawg" joke about Randy.
Ryan then reintroduces the kids to us again, sitting on the sofa to the side of the stage. Clip show! People sang. The audience cheered. Clay forgot the words in one song. Kimberley was great. Not that it matters. Also: Ruben, Ruben, Ruben, Ruben, Ruben, Ruben, Ruben, Ruben, Ruben, Ruben, Ruben, Ruben, Ruben! Also, somewhere during this show, Vanessa Olivarez is shown in the crowd. Somehow I didn't see her. I kept looking, but I suspect I turned away to check my writing for just a moment, and then they flashed her onscreen, and I missed it.
When we return, it's time for another hideous medley. Kim breathily starts "Up Where We Belong" sweetly, only to have the song ruined when Clay enters, practically shrieking the lyrics of his verse. Ruben then enters, warbling every single note. They all sing the chorus together. They all get more solos. "Reunited." This is the elevator music they play in Hell. A poorly sung medley of boring songs. It reminds me of an episode of that failed X-Files spin-off, Millennium, when an evil woman named Lucy (for "Lucifer" -- geddit?) kidnapped young geniuses and tortured them with elevator music, among other things. Her goal was to drive all the genius out of them and turn them mediocre, and thus prevent them from accomplishing works of greatness. This show tortures the genius out of music. The kids sing "Solid" as they wander into the audience. After they get back on stage, some audience members are ordered up to the front in the aisles to create a wall of audience for them. The whole medley ends rather abruptly with a final "solid as a rock." Where's the glory note and the pointy pose? I'm calling the medley police!
Commercials. I've been inside a Big Lots. It was the saddest store I've ever visited. Even sadder than those Woolworth's that are still hanging on by their fingernails. Are there any of those left?
When we return, Ryan reminds us about the seventy-five hours of American Idol week. Please stop making me cry. Oh, goody -- it's Tamyra! Tamyra will make me feel better. Ryan tells us all that she's hear to sing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." Oh, never mind. You can take my gay card away and force me to marry a Playboy playmate, but I've never been a fan of this song. It's a simple, modest song about longing for a more interesting life, and somehow it's been transformed into some sort of melodramatic glory note festival that has lost all context and meaning. It's not a love song. It's not romantic. It's not tragic. It's longing. And Tamyra sings this song for what seems like thirty minutes. She gets a guitarist with her to make it seem all the more melancholy and melodramatic. And each note she sings is ten seconds long. And there's unpleasant vibrato all over the place. It sounds like they just grabbed her from home and begged her to sing, because they have to fill up an hour, and she hasn't had any time to practice. She looks good, though, in a black dress with green and orange floral patterns and her hair down and crimped. When she's done, Ryan comes out on stage and puts his arm around Tamyra's shoulder and gets his frilly, girly shirtsleeve caught in her hair. Heh.
Alert! Alert! [Product-placed car] skit. At least Kimberley gets central focus in a skit before getting booted off. She drives down the street in her [product-placed convertible], while Clay and Ruben (and a dozen unseen fill-in singers) sing "She's A Lady." Everybody is preparing for a date. Kimberley tries on dresses. Clay -- whose hair is standing straight up all over, making him look alarmingly like a comic strip character expressing fear back in the '50s -- has Ruben iron his hair on an ironing board. There's "comedy" with Clay trying to get dressed while Ruben hogs the mirror. There's also "comedy" where Kimberley mysteriously has four arms in order to fix her hair and apply make-up for the date. The stultifying dullness of this show has actually beaten me down enough that I think the four-arms thing is kind of funny. It's like praising an episode of Dawson's Creek because the characters talk and behave like actual human beings in at least one scene. Kimberley drives up to what could be a fancy restaurant, or possibly a well-decorated strip mall, to greet Clay and Ruben. Then Kimberley brushes right past them into the arms of -- gasp! -- Ryan, who is her date for the evening, despite wearing a purple shirt so gay that wearing it in South Carolina is a felony. See, the funny part of that skit was the idea of Ryan dating a girl. And the suggestion that he eats food.
Commercials. Shut up, Sam and your stupid sub sandwiches. You suck.
When we return, Ryan pimps that national tour. Then he tells the ladies to get ready to throw their g-strings onstage as he introduces Justin Guarini to the stage. Funny, but people don't seem to be melting over Justin the way they used to. Ah, flavor of the week. Your sweet, sexy chocolate fondue has slowly turned into unflavored gelatin. Justin heads out in a suede jacket that looks like it's covered with dirt stains. He chats with Ryan, and brings up the movie again, like none of us have heard this before. The entire exchange is very From Justin to Kelly: The American Idol Infomercial. Ryan's all, "Tell us about this mysterious movie?" and Justin's all, "Well, this movie will wipe the scum out of your bathroom tiles with the cleaning power of orange oil." Or something like that. The movie is about Justin and Kelly and singing and dancing and a beach and bombing at the box office. The end.
And now, Justin will sing "Unchained Melody." Which Clay sang last night. That's just fucking brill. Ryan says that this is Justin's "new single." They're releasing this overdone song as a single? I feel so bad for this song. It was so beautiful, a long time ago. Then came Ghost, and then came a thousand parodies of that scene from Ghost, and now the song is just ruined. Justin is breathy and boring. And then he's overwrought, but still boring. And then he's trying to eye-fuck the camera, but he's still boring. Then he's singing in falsetto, and boring. And then it's over. Yay! Over!
Commercials. When we return, Ryan's at his pointless little plastic podium, trying to trick us into thinking we're getting to the end. We're not. Ryan tells us they sent all the kids back home, so we can watch pointless, obvious clip shows of people fawning over them and listen to the kids tell us that they'll always remember where they came from. Hope I didn't ruin the surprise.
Kimberley is first, and suddenly she's from Nashville instead of Gallatin. Oh, there she goes, back to her old high school in Gallatin. People cheer and fawn over her. Some guy convinces her to kiss him. Then it's the return of cloned radio DJs as she chats with Utterly Interchangeable DJ 217 at Cookie-Cutter Radio Station 309. She goes back to her church and sings. Then she goes to a music store and signs her AI2 "Love Songs" album and sings "Nashville State Of Mind," which makes no sense whatsoever and is making Billy Joel cry. Back at the stage, Ryan repeats the judges' comments from last night. And of course, we're not getting the results of the votes now.
up is Ruben. He heads back home to -- where was he from again? Bingham? Burnham? Oh, right -- Birmingham. I had forgotten that. Interestingly, Ruben's the only finalist who doesn't provide a narrative voice-over for his little clip show. People shriek at Ruben. He visits with Local Morning News Show Clones 103 and 104. He sings "Sweet Home, Alabama." He visits the Boys' and Girls' Club. Little kids love him. Surprisingly, he's still not wearing a 205 shirt. He goes to the mall, to another record store. People shriek. He goes to another school rally. He gives a sweat-soaked rag to a cheerleader, who shrieks and bounces and is so very, very sad. Back onstage, Ryan reminds us of the judges' tongue bath. But, of course, reveals nothing.
Finally, there's Clay. He visits his old YMCA camp, and the kids have made him a 500-foot-long "greeting card," which is really just one of those big rolls of paper elementary schools buy in bulk that has been signed by every child who has ever lived, ever. He visits the school with the special-needs kids he worked with, and introduces us to the woman who convinced him to audition. She can expect five million thank-you cards. And probably also five million pieces of hate mail. He visits his family and has a "North Carolina barbecue." I love most Southern food, but not Carolina barbecue, because the sauce they use is often mustard-based, which is sick and wrong and not of the Lord. Then he goes to some baseball game and tosses out the first pitch. He manages to get it over the plate (barely), making him a butcher man than I would be in that situation. Then he over-sings "The Star Spangled Banner" really, really badly. Man, that was suck. Back on the stage, Ryan reminds us that everybody hated "Vincent" but loved the rest. But of course, no actual vote results yet.
Commercials. Three nights of American Idol! Threeeee! Don't you people realize I have a job now? It's going to be like finals week at college, when I'm up for three nights straight writing. Oh, wait -- I never even had to do that in college. I hate this show.
When we return, Ryan holds up the little card, but there's still at least eight minutes left in the show, so when he calls Kimberley down to the stage, everybody knows she hasn't been ejected yet. It's just the show's policy, titled "Fucking With As Many Heads As Possible." It's actually a seventy-page written policy with subsections and everything. Kimberley joins Ryan out on the stage. Is Kimberley excited to have made it this far? Yes. Did she think she'd make it this far? Yes. She points out that all three who are left were in the same group.
Then Ryan calls Clay down to the stage. He hugs Kimberley. Ryan asks if Clay is nervous. He says he's not. He repeats Kimberley's comments that they're all friends and blah blah blah I already know I'm getting a contract blah.
Finally, Ryan calls Ruben down to the stage. How does Ruben feel about all this? He's glad to have made it this far. He praises God for his good fortune. I wasn't aware that God invented hype. That doesn't really seem like something that would fall in the province of things that are good.
Ryan asks the judges for comments. Actually, only Simon gets to comment, because Paula and Randy never say anything interesting at this point anyway. Simon praises the three finalists and says, "You've served us well." I just shivered at that comment. Did you shiver? It's the kind of thing the villain in a movie would say moments before blowing the head off a minion whose purpose has ended. Ryan, after having to prompt the Teleprompter, tells us that more than nineteen million votes were cast. When the votes were tallied, there ended up being less than a four-percent difference between the three finalists. And we'll find out that Kimberley is the one with the least votes after this commercial break.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan reveals that Kimberley got the least amount of votes. The audience boos, but quietly, because they knew. She knew. Clay and Ruben knew. You knew. The Unabomber knew. Whoa. "Unabomber" is in my Word dictionary. Technology gets its revenge. Anyway, Kimberley is gone, and the anointed ones will sing in the final round. Kimberley, amusingly, starts to leave the stage. Has she forgotten that we all have to suffer through her final clip show? She tells us all that making it to the finals is a dream come true. In the "classy" moment of the evening, they replay her insult-fest with Simon back in the semifinals. She sings "Over The Rainbow." As is their typical fashion, there are shots of her in the [product-placed car] skit they just showed thirty minutes ago.
After reminding us all that we go to a really big auditorium week to be bored to tears by Ruben and Clay, Ryan has Kimberley sing us out. Maybe they had Tamyra sing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" so that Kimberley wouldn't sing it for the fourth time on this show? Instead, she repeats her performance of "Inseparable" as everybody stands and sways and Bernie Mac taps his foot testily and glares at his watch. Good thing I have TiVo programmed to keep going for five minutes after the show is actually scheduled to end.
week: Four fucking hours! Four!