You know, people always ask us why we don't recap sitcoms, but nobody ever asks why we don't recap talk shows. Now you know why.
Credits are pretty much as usual, as usual. We can hear the live audience shrieking at the world-conquering transgendered terminator in the background. A cheap font that comes with your computer declares "The Final Three" at the end of the credits.
Ryan Seacrest heads out onto the Seal wearing a bland beige suit, and a shirt with a pattern on it that sort of makes it look like he's wearing an ascot. He says that we can't get enough of American Idol. No, we can't get enough of arguing about American Idol. The stuff that isn't actually young pretty people competing for our love? We don't care. Really, go check the ratings. He muses out loud, wondering who will win the title. Pavlov's Dawgs pick up their cue to shout out names. He reminds us that it will either be Jasmine, Fantasia, or Diana. Except for the Jasmine part. Sorry, I needed to get the regular recap squared away before tackling this. Just pretend that it's one of those clever stories told backward. Except that it doesn't have any plot. It's like a WB drama shown backward. ["And then, due to other issues, the finale aired before I was able to finish this. Oy." -- Shack]
So, we're going to have yet another round of pointless interviews with our three remaining finalists. But that's not going to fill up an hour, so Ryan is going to torture the judges (more than usual) with interviews as well. First up will be Randy Jackson. He shuffles out applauding for himself and doing the rock horns, or "hang loose," or whichever gesture that is. They've brought the comfortable chairs back onstage for the interviews, denying us the amusing sight of Randy trying to sit on one of those drinking fountain stools. Ryan asks him what's going down. He doesn't know. Stuff is going down. That's what stuff does. It goes down. Ryan continues perpetuating the lie that Randy was harsher this year than in seasons, and asks him why. Randy tries to insist that he wasn't, which is true. They just show more of it now. Ryan forces Pavlov's Dawgs to agree with him and force Randy to answer a question he doesn't even think is accurate. He still doesn't quite agree with the premise of the question, but he says that this is the third season of the show and everybody's seen it. Everyone has seen what great performers Kelly, Clay, and Ruben are, so they should know what they're expecting when they come to audition. So he thinks the contestants should really "bring it" and know that the judges are looking for real quality before coming to audition. Except for the really bad ones, who are there to entertain us. Don't forget them! Randy said that this is the best top twelve they've had. Does he still believe it? Yes. He says they "set the bar higher" (oh, I'm sorry -- I didn't see you there, Noel Roman, Jesus Roman, Lisa Wilson and all those other really crappy final thirty-two contestants) and just got better talent. He says that there were three or four good singers last year, and seven or eight this year. Funny, he said five on the show a few weeks ago. I think the ratio of good singers to bad between Seasons Two and Three were pretty much the same.
What does Randy think has grown the most in the competition? Randy responds, "Simon Cowell's ego." The pot and the kettle stop arguing long enough to roll their eyes at Randy. He thinks what has grown the most is the talent they've found. Especially in the girls. He said they all believed during the auditions that the girls were going to dominate the show this year, and they were right. What does he think is the best performance of the season? He already said it weeks ago: Fantasia's performance of "Summertime." Really, is Ryan even going to ask Randy a question that he hasn't already answered? Oh, of course not. Silly me. Why should Randy be any different? Oh, here's another question that gets the journalist in me cringing: "You talk about singing a song well, and standing on a stage and connecting, but do you believe [Fantasia] has something that's hard to put into words?" Because, see, the judges have been so understated in their praise of Fantasia. It must because they can't figure out what to say. Randy ignores the stupidity of the question and says that Fantasia just has star quality. She was "born" a star, like Elvis and Michael Jackson. Well, Fantasia certainly has a lot to look forward to, then, doesn't she? Should she just ruin her life now and get it over with? What does Randy think about Diana Degarmo? He thinks she has what it takes to be a star, and has been championing her from the beginning. He thinks she has a great voice and poise. He mentions the arguments about her age. He says Diana reminds her of a lot of other singers like Leann Rimes, Christina Aguilera, and Britney Spears, who all started at an early age. And they've all turned out just fine! Fine! Why does Simon argue otherwise? Randy just thinks Simon is disagreeable. He thinks that Diana is a great talent, and if she keeps growing, she'll just be unbelievable. Which is sort of Simon's point, Randy. Let her mature a little bit.
Who would Randy most like to take into a studio as a record producer? How is this any different from asking Randy which ones he likes the best? Isn't it going to be the same answer? It is. Fantasia. What does Randy think of the way the voting turned out? He says that he loves America, like his opinion about the voting is some sort of litmus test of patriotism. It's okay to think that Americans sometimes make dumb decisions. It's the basis for much of FOX's programming. He describes some of the decisions he didn't like as "hiccups." But he thinks the horrible things that have happened have reminded folks that their votes are important. Let's hope they remember this lesson when, say, November comes around. Ryan says he understands, and then Randy says, "You've got to keep it gully." They repeat this back and forth to each other and then Ryan gives the audience and exaggerated "The hell?" look. Though, brilliant interviewer that he is, he doesn't ask Randy what that means. Who does Randy think is going to win? He dances around it and finally says that he's sure the winner will be a girl. Sigh. And on that insipid joke, we're done with Randy.
Commercials. When we return, the captions slow down a bit to try to get us to buy some crap related to the show. in the hot seat (yeah, right) is Paula Abdul. She comes out in an outfit that resulted in the deaths of an entire zoo. Well, a pretend zoo, because I don't think she's actually wearing anything natural. Her camisole has several different types of animal skin prints on it, and she's wearing brown (p)leather pants. She needs help sitting down because she's dumb and loopy. Ryan tells us that Paula really cares about the kids and hangs around and helps them deal with the criticism. So if any of the kids come out acting sort of dazed and incoherent, you know Paula has been "helping" them. Ryan asks her how special the contestants are to her? That's the actual question. How special are these kids who have managed to pull you out of complete pop culture oblivion? They're reaaaaaally special. They're all special in their own unique ways. God, she sounds like she's an elementary school counselor talking to a couple of parents who just found out their kid has a serious learning disability. She says that she loves Randy and Simon (and pretends that it's hard to say that), but they've never been in the position these kids are in with the singing and the judging and all. Ryan insists that Paula has a connection with the singers onstage because she's done this. What, suck? Yes, yes, she has, in enormous quantities. Oh, perform onstage. Well, Randy has as well, though not as a singer. I guess that doesn't count. Nobody ever puts any pressure on bassists to do a good job or anything. She says that one of the good things about the three different judges is that they all have different perspectives. Three different, bizarre, inexplicable, and redundant perspectives that occasionally are as in touch with reality as the lost city of Atlantis.
How does Paula think she would do if she were in the kids' places? Oh, that would be hysterical. Finally somebody telling her she can't sing live on television. Paula sort of knows that she'd bomb, though she doesn't directly say so, and says that other performers come up to her and tell her how glad they are they never had to go through this process. She drops names like Justin Timberlake and Usher, and I fantasize briefly about the two of them being told in front of a huge audience by Simon that they're really not very good and should stick to dancing. Ahhhhh. That's good fantasy. What's the hardest part of the judging job for Paula? I'm going to guess in advance that it's the whole part where she judges people. She says she can tell very quickly whether the finalist onstage is going to have a good performance or not, and it makes her sad when they don't because then she's going to have to say something. Yup, she doesn't like the part of judging called "judging." She says that she feels she must be "constructive" and soften the blow by saying something positive to make it easier to deal with the criticism. Except they know by now that when Paula starts her comments by complimenting your outfit, that means you sucked, so I'm not sure if it's very comforting. Ryan whines that he's always trying to get Simon to give constructive criticism, but he never answers him. Well, that's because he does give constructive criticism sometimes, but the very idea of "connecting" with other people is completely alien to Ryan. And not to be rude (ha ha ha!), but sometimes telling these kids to never sing again really is the smartest "constructive criticism" you can give. Paula defends Simon because she lurrrrves him, and says that he's brilliant at what he does. Ryan asks exactly what Simon does, and Paula doesn't know. Heh.
Ryan asks what the hell is going on between her and Simon and their third-grade pigtail-pulling antics. The two of them compare it to a carnival or circus. They must have been to some very lame circuses. Paula, to be honest, is absolutely hysterical here, explaining (and demonstrating) how Simon teases her by challenging her to say something interesting right before she's supposed to speak, and chewing ice loudly in her ear. But she still luuuurves him. She says that all her money from the first season went to therapy bills. Why the hell did she stop? She says she's learned to tune Simon out. Suuuuuure. Ryan takes ten minutes to ask Paula for advice for the remaining finalists. She urges them to get enough sleep, to stay away from "idle gossip," don't let people throw things in your ear (good advice for anybody, I'd think), to pick good songs (if you're allowed to, anyway), and to keep your "eyes on the prize." Ryan asks Paula for a prediction of the winner, which everybody on earth knows she's not going to give. She says she thinks they're all going to make millions (for somebody) and get record contracts.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Simon Cowell. Ryan says that Simon defines the "true heart" of American Idol, and after reading through the stuff people post on my forums, I'd have to say yes, yes he does. Hell, Simon's attitude is just the starting point for many of us. Simon heads out onstage in jeans and a tight white shirt that shows off his man-boobs perfectly. He gets way into Ryan's personal space when shaking hands and says something mocking to him that we can't hear. After Simon sits down, he says that everything is "so strange." Ryan asks why it's all strange. Simon explains that he knows Ryan in real life and he doesn't do this announcer talk all the time. Ryan insists that he always talks the way he does on television. You know, one of the few things about Ryan that doesn't bug me is his emcee voice. It's not as exaggerated as most others. It sounds almost normal. Ryan lashes back by saying that when they go out to dinner, Simon's nice, but then he's a real jerk in the bedroom. Er. "On the show."
Ryan asks Simon what he expected from the third season. At first, he says he can't answer. Then he says that he didn't think it would be as popular (well, I certainly had my fingers crossed, anyway), comparing it to an artist's third album -- sometimes there's a dip in interest. But when they got through some of the auditions, he thought this would be a season to remember -- but for all the wrong reasons. I'm assuming he's referring to all the wretched performers, whom we should all forget, which is why the show keeps dredging them all up again. He says he really doesn't know what to expect at the beginning of each season, because you can't manipulate what happens. I'll pause here so that everybody who doesn't like how things turned out can yell, "Bullshit." Did you get it out of your system? No? Dammit. He says that the quality of the show depends on who shows up, and the unexpected is good. Ryan says that early on, Simon predicted that this would be a season dominated by female contestants. Where did that prediction come from? Simon explains that as they travel around the auditions, they remember a handful of the contestants they've seen. Last year, he remembered Ruben, Clay, and, for god-knows-why reasons, Corey Clark. Although, to be horribly honest, I can remember Corey's singing, too. This is not a good thing. This year, all the auditions that were sticking in his head were from female singers. The guys just didn't seem that good this year. I suppose I can't argue with that, unless there were actual good male auditions that they didn't show us.
Ryan asks what Simon thinks of "surrendering" the results of the show to a public vote. Simon says that if the results every week were easily predicted and if everybody agreed about the performers, the show would become boring. Oh, Simon. You make boring sound so, so wonderful right about now. Simon says he doesn't necessarily agree with the votes, but the unpredictability and the shocks are what make it more like real life. Well, I suppose I should be glad the American public doesn't get to vote on whether or not I get to continue doing my real job: "He's always correcting people! That's so rude! I'm not voting for him!" He insists that they can't "change" anything that happens on the show, though as anybody who watches reality television knows, you can decide what to emphasize and what to show and not show. And you can decide what to tell people about behind-the-scenes decisions or situations (such as how Fantasia got saddled with "Holding Out for a Hero") or not. Anyway, Simon thinks the surprises make the show interesting. As long as the surprise doesn't come at the very end of the season, I would guess. I bet he'd be singing a different tune then. Ryan reminds Simon that he said this season was the "battle of the divas." Simon interrupts that he was referring to the two of them. Ha! Ryan asks him to define what a diva is. Simon says that divas can be difficult and egotistical (stopping after each adjective to indicate that they apply to Ryan). Whitney and Mariah were divas. But you have to be talented if you're going to be a diva. He says there's nothing wrong with wanting to win. Competition is good. He says that every successful artist doesn't want anybody else to be more successful than they are. Oh, Simon! You're so totally wrong. They also don't want anybody to get more attention than they get. Simon says he likes to see competitiveness on the show.
Ryan brings up Simon's complaints that some of the performers are too young. Why does Simon have a problem with sixteen-year-olds competing? He says that one of the problems he has is that artists who start out too young turn out weird. Like Michael Jackson. He worries about the consequences of denying kids their childhood. Awwww. Simon is such a softie. Wait until they're adults before sucking them dry. He says that he doesn't think Jasmine or Diana are weird or anything, but if he were a parent, he wouldn't let his children compete until they were eighteen. He points out how Jasmine cried when she was critiqued on disco night. Ryan then brings up how Simon took back his comments to Diana recently about how she was too young. Simon says that Diana is an example of a young performer who has grown throughout the competition and learned to deal with criticism. He thinks John Stevens was the same. By contrast, he says they've had competitors well in their twenties who still complain about the things Simon has said about them in seasons. Gee, that could be anybody except Kelly and Ruben. I'm guessing he's talking about Clay, because my hate mail has really petered out and I'm getting sort of lonely.
Ryan brings up how much Randy and Paula visibly enjoy being part of the show, and asks Simon what he finds satisfying. He says he's happy when the "right" person wins and goes on to have a successful long-term musical career. Oh. I see him becoming less and less happy as this show continues on and the American public begins losing interest in the Idols, a process that is already well underway. Simon says he can't abide the hypocrisy of people thinking it's a great feeling to come in seventh, because everybody knows Simon won't be talking with those people again. Unless he's being interviewed by them on the red carpet for some awful entertainment show. Ryan asks if Simon ever pretends to not care. Simon says he cares in his own way. He thinks, given the harshness of the industry, it's "rubbish" to lie to all these kids and tell them they'll be successful when many of them won't. He says that the kids need to learn how to work hard (and he credits Ryan for giving them a good example of working hard; we'll remember that when Ryan checks himself into rehab for addiction to whatever he's on that allows him to caper around 24/7), and the show is giving them a head-start look at the rough life of a pop performer. He says that some of the kids just sit around after their stint on the show is over and wait for the phone to ring, like idiots. He says the kids need to learn to work hard, just like everybody else in the world. Until you get a posh gig as a show judge. Just saying. Simon says that if the kids can't handle his criticism, they should go be on Star Search. Oh, Simon, you underestimate these kids. Many of them have tried both.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for more repetitive pointless interviews with the remaining finalists. It seems silly writing this now that the winner's already been crowned. First up is Jasmine Trias, wearing the most adorable black dress. So, like, do you enjoy it up here onstage? Oh, yeah! I've been doing this all my life, so, like, it's cool. Is it all just fun or is there, like, work to it? It's a little of both. Believe me, it takes a lot of effort to look this cute. Oh, and sometimes I sing a scale or two before I come out. So, like, how does that "Aloha" stuff compare to what people are like in Hollywood? It's so different here! People in Hawaii are so relaxed and mellow. Here, they expect you to do stuff! It's so crazy! What would you have done if you hadn't made it on Idol? I was going to go to college to become a nurse. Isn't that dull? If you, like, win, are you going to come here or stay in Hawaii? No, I've milked the Hawaii stuff so much, I'm in danger of not being cute anymore, so I'm coming here. So, what's the pressure like being so young in this contest? It's so hard being young because we still have to study and stuff and our complexions haven't entirely settled yet, making it a little harder to be so cute. Did you ever think the show would be this hard? No, I didn't! I just thought I could skate through on my cuteness, and boy, was I surprised. They make me sing all the time, even if I get sick. But it's still fun! Because millions of people know how cute I am! What did you learn from this? So much, especially about eye shadow, but mostly to be true to yourself and don't change. Unless you're not cute. So, like, do you have a boyfriend? Oh gaaawwwwd! No. So it's okay for the twenty- to forty-year-old men in the audience to have nasty thoughts about you? Sure! Look, there's some college fratties in the audience five years older than you. They totally want to do you. Woooo!
Jasmine chooses "I'll Never Love This Way Again" to sing. She's boring. She's never been in love in the first place, so the song is just callow vocal exercises.
Commercials. up is Fantasia Barrino. Ryan tells us that she "gave birth" to the Bobo onstage there and ew. And yuck. And that's not even true. He also says that "Her incredible voice is matched only by her uncompromising and relentless fervor for life, performance, and oversized earrings." Hey, was that a shout-out? All the women are wearing oversized earrings, though. Fantasia comes out in a horrifyingly yellow jacket, ruining a perfectly serviceable black and white skirt combo. She's wearing oversized hoop earrings. It would have been funny if, for once, she hadn't. She pretends that Ryan's intro made her cry. Although having seen her break down every five minutes in the finale, I kind of wonder. After they sit, Ryan asks her what it means to still be in the competition. It means they haven't voted you out. dumb-ass question? She says that it's a blessing to still be there. Even if she doesn't win, it's a blessing to have made it this far. Simon shouts, "Dammit! What did I just say?" backstage. Ryan baits her by demanding that she admit there was a part of her who knew she'd make it this far. She turns her head away from the audience like she's consulting with an invisible lawyer at a congressional hearing. Hell if I know. The audience laughs. We'll just have to hope that her [SPOILER!] crowning as American Idol doesn't end up with her telling us we need to declare war on France. She turns back and says she did think "a little bit" that she'd get here. She says you have to believe in yourself.
Ryan says that Fantasia is in tears nearly every week during the results show when somebody gets ejected. What does she feel? She says she's a big crybaby. The other contestants are like family to her, and she's sad to see them go. How did Fantasia get to be so mature at nineteen? You just pointed out that she cries all the time, and now you're asking her why she's so mature? Oh, this is so Fantasia can remind us all that she's a single mom. She says she had to grow up in order to raise little Zion. Ryan brings up balancing the competition with being a mother AND YOU ASKED THIS QUESTION ALREADY IN THE LAST POINTLESS INTERVIEW SPECIAL! God! Skipping it. Ryan says that despite the pressures, Fantasia always looks like she's having a good time in her performances. Is she frontin' or keepin' it real? "Shack is so white," Fantasia responds. No. She says that's how she really feels as a performer. Songs make her feel better.
What did Fantasia do before she got involved with the show? She liked to eat a lot. And she sang at church and did weddings. And eating. She likes to eat. I hear you, Fantasia. Do you like the adulation that you get from the fans? What a dumb-ass question, although I should talk. I ended up covering a graduation for an absent reporter last night, and I went to interview a parent of a graduate. All I could think to ask was, "Are you proud of your daughter?" If you're out there reading, Mom of Graduate, I'm not normally breathtakingly stupid; I was just in a rush. Yeah, Fantasia likes it when Pavlov's Dawgs cheer for her, which they dutifully do. What luxury has Fantasia discovered that she can't live without anymore? "Food" is her answer. Food is a luxury? I know the Atkins diet can be pretty harsh, but maaaaaan. They talk about the food back home, specifically chitlins. Can she find chitlins in Hollywood? She says she has. Ryan guesses that Simon is backstage wondering what a chitlin is. Dude, have you ever had British food? I doubt he would find chitlins at all odd. Ryan asks if there's anything about her that we don't know. She says we all know pretty much everything there is to know about her, and she ain't changing for nobody.
Fantasia has chosen to sing "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" again. She sounds the way she sounds. She tosses in lots of "Yeah, yeah"s, of course. She bobs around. She's wild. Either you like her or you don't.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan reminds us about the tour, and apparently the captions have either switched to decaf or have been driven as bored and logy by this special as I have. Our final contestant to blather with tonight is Diana Degarmo. She has a loud voice and is just sixteen. She comes out in a nice white camisole and jeans, squealing her dolphin laugh all the way over to the chairs. Man, her personality may not bug me as much as it used to, but her laughing still makes cracks appear in my monitor. How does Diana feel at this stage? She's blown away. She just can't describe it. Is there a part of her that didn't expect her to be here? Funny how he worded that differently from the question he asked Fantasia. But the answer's still the same. Diana says she worked hard and thought that she could make it this far. What is it that freaks her out most about this competition? What the hell does that even mean? He adds on incoherently that "this is the real thing." Of course, the whole problem with this show is that it's not the real thing, and the victor is not guaranteed any sort of success in the music industry whatsoever. But never mind. Nothing freaks Diana out. She's not programmed for freaking out. She loves the show. She laughs vapidly. Nothing makes her nervous? At all? Scared a little bit? Anything? Look, there's a big spider! Scared yet? Are you? What if I give one of my creepy death's head grimace-smiles? Are you scared yet, Diana? Are you? Are you? She admits that sometimes Simon's comments about her clothing make her nervous.
Ryan brings up Simon's comments that Diana is too "cutesy." Which is a little different from "cute," like Jasmine. "Cutesy" is "cute trying way too hard." How does Diana think people watching the show perceive her? How the hell is she to answer that question? How would anybody answer that question? How do you think people you don't know perceive you? She thinks people think that she's sixteen. See, programming has its limits. She lacks the imagination to figure out how to answer Ryan's questions. He supplies that she's perceived as a bit innocent. She admits that she doesn't exactly live the wild life. Ryan says that many people had it rough at sixteen. How's she doing? She says she was having fun. Until she got on this show, I would guess. She said she did have to grow up a little bit faster, because she wasn't expecting thousands of people she didn't even know to call her fat and nickname her "Miss Piggy." Ryan brings up Quentin Tarantino's comments back when he guest-judged that there was "glass" between Diana and the audience. Does she think she shattered that glass? (Yes, that's exactly how Ryan phrases it, the tool.) Diana thinks she has. She says she took his advice. Five people in the audience applaud. Ryan blathers on for a bit about connections, because he certainly doesn't know what that nonsense means. Diana says she comes out and tries to have fun, and when she has fun, she hopes that makes the audience have fun, too. That comment indicates to me that she still doesn't quite understand that not all the songs she sings have anything to do with "fun."
How is Hollywood different from Snellville? One of them has more male prostitutes. But you'd be surprised at which one. What is Diana's brilliant discovery? Angelenos like to honk their horns. Really. I think Ryan initially thought she said "whores," which is just hysterical to think about, because Diana's exact phrasing was "emotionally attached to their horns." So anyway, Diana and her Smother -- I mean, "mother" -- get lost driving about, and everybody honks at them. Which is such a Los Angeles thing and not something you'd experience anywhere. What's Diana's favorite guilty pleasure? Dessert! I cringe. A million awful comments rise to the surface, but I push them back down. She's gained a little weight, but I wouldn't call her fat. She says she loves the sweets. Ryan points out that she's perky all the time. Isn't it exhausting? Well, he would know. Diana's love of sweets might be the answer to the question he just asked. Diana admits she's a bubbly person all the time and it's just who she is.
Diana is going to sing "Turn the Beat Around" again. She orders everybody on their feet, of course. She doesn't sound as good in this version, but she's okay. The audience is still not as into her performances as they should be. She wails her way through much of the song, which is as much an image for this season (and any other) as you could end the special with.