Tuesday. Ryan "I Don't Wanna Go On with You Like That" Seacrest greets us from the Seal of Tsathoggua, along with this week's group of eight. He appears to be wearing a track jacket made out of tire treads. He reminds us about the voting. Somebody should remind him about the bad fashion.
Credits. Ryan greets us again, alone on the Seal, and blathers on for a bit before reminding us that last week's contestants sucked elephant balls. He wonders if this week's group will let the nerves get to them, too. See, that's their excuse for last week. Not lack of talent. "Nerves." They don't want to admit that they picked a bunch of bad singers. Ryan adds that the stress is increased by having the "cold, dead eyes of the judges looking down on [them]." You're one to talk about cold, dead eyes, Muppet Boy. Ryan introduces Simon "Can You Feel the Love Tonight?" Cowell by insulting his hair. Simon responds, "You dare say that to me when you're dressed like that?" Ryan insists, "This is called fashion." Simon: "Yeah, right. Where?" Ryan: 0; Simon: 200,000 and counting. And I think the answer to Simon's question is "Goodyear." Paula "This Train Don't Stop There Anymore" Abdul is wearing a red sleeveless top that makes her boobs look all saggy. Ryan declares that Randy "I'm Still Standing" Jackson is "half the size, but all the dawg." I don't think he's even half the size, honestly.
Ryan heads to Pimp Central to introduce all the kids. The first contestant tonight is Elizabeth LeTendre. Her last name is pronounced to rhyme with "tender," making it sound like her last name could be the pidgin Frenchified name for a new exotic show at the Paris in Las Vegas. (Seriously, they just put "Le" in front of everything there and toss out French references without rhyme or reason. My car was parked in the Louvre.) In her clip show, Elizabeth tells us she's a dance instructor. And then we watch her dance about. When she arrives at the studio, she kisses the Seal. Ew. Does she have any idea how much calf's blood has been spilled on there? She tells us she wants to show us all she can be fun and spunky, yet also poised and classy. But when she tried looking classy at the Pasadena auditions, Simon criticized her. Well, her outfit was awful and she had her hair pulled back in an unflattering fashion. I don't think that the problem was that she tried the classy look. The problem was that she did it poorly. So she decides to stick with fun and spunky. Oh, and like every other dancer that's appeared on the show, she insists she's going to prove that she's a better singer than a dancer. And like every other dancer that's appeared on the show, she's wrong.
Elizabeth heads up to the Seal wearing this bizarre black mini-dress with a metallic, multi-colored floral print on it. It looks like it's made of vinyl -- almost like somebody made a dress out of a black-light poster. I wonder if the flowers glow if she goes near a UV lamp? Elizabeth has chosen -- snerk -- "I Wanna Dance with Somebody," best noted for being the song choice for the most wonderfully awful semifinal performance last season. Sadly, now that the Great Unknown is there as a back-up band instead of just a piano, the camp value is seriously diminished. Now it just sounds like any other mediocre song. Elizabeth is loud and boring. This song really just isn't interesting. It wasn't back when Whitney first sang it. The dress and black boots she's wearing make her dancer legs look fat. Of course they're not, but that's how she looks. And most disappointingly? She doesn't add the part where the mystery voice orders "Dance!" the way Jennifer did last year. So sad. So boring. So forgettable.
Judges. Randy thinks Elizabeth did very well, and says so with lots of "yeahhh"s and "man"s. Paula says Elizabeth "came out with a bang" and her vocals were "spot on." Simon says, "Good singer. Cheap performance." The audience boos. Simon says she wasn't good enough for this competition. Everybody boos again. The three judges argue about which of them knows the most about performing, which is like three ostriches arguing about who knows the most about neurosurgery. Elizabeth heads back to Ryan, who predictably brings up Simon's comments. Was she surprised by Simon's "grumpiness"? That's the word Ryan chooses for somebody who refuses to lavish praise on somebody who doesn't deserve it. Ryan makes me very, very grumpy. Elizabeth was a little surprised, but she wouldn't do anything different. Ryan gives us the blah blah blah vote-cakes, followed by the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
FOX showed the finale for My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé twice because it was just so popular. Sure. Whatever helps you sleep at night, Gail.
up is Eric Yoder. In his interview, we see that he has a belt buckle that spells out his last name. Nobody should own clothing (or accessories) with his name on it unless it's a work uniform, or he's eight and going away to summer camp. Eric reminds us that he was compared to CLAY AIKEN. But he doesn't think he has a lot of similarities to CLAY AIKEN and hopes that people will stop comparing him to CLAY AIKEN because he's different from CLAY AIKEN and if he keeps invoking the name CLAY AIKEN it's because everybody else did first and not a case of "he doth protest too much." Really, he doesn't want to be seen as the CLAY AIKEN. That's why when the fashion consultant tells Eric to avoid a blue shirt with vertical stripes because it's "too CLAY AIKEN," we see Eric wearing that very shirt at his promotional photo shoot seconds later. Because he so isn't CLAY AIKEN. He says that America will see his "true personality" after tonight's performance.
Eric hits the Seal wearing a bland black polo shirt and gray jeans. He's singing "In the Still of the Night." He tilts his head to the side and stares into the camera and wears a cheesy grin and reaches out toward various members of the audience. See, he's nothing at all like CLAY AIKEN! There's a three-degree difference in their head tilts! And when he oversings the bridge and adds additional glory notes? That's different from CLAY AIKEN because…uh…okay, seriously, this guy wishes he were Clay Aiken. But he's not. And how sad is it to be a pale imitation of Clay Aiken? Is there such a thing as imitation American cheese? Eric's got the all the charisma and personality of a plate of Brussels sprouts. And he can't even hold a note as well as Clay can, which is, like, the only thing I like about Clay.
Judges. Randy says he thought it was just "ai'ight" at first, but built up toward the end and was very good. Paula agrees with Randy. Simon repeats his comments from auditions -- Eric is like Clay Aiken without the personality. The audience boos. Eric insists blandly that he has a big personality. No, you have big teeth. You don't have a big personality. Simon says that he hears a good voice from Eric, but that's it. Eric heads back to Pimp Central where Amy has been drafted to convince us that Eric has a personality. Amy manages to show more personality by miming gestures to suggest to us that Eric is at all interesting. Heh. Ryan gives us Eric's numbers.
up is Amy Adams and her fuchsia hair. I type about five different spellings of "fuchsia" before Word just gives up and auto-corrects it for me. She gives a Joanne Worley-esque "wooo-ooo!" before heading out to the Seal. In her interview, Amy tells us she's a make-up artist. And she's just amazed to be in the show! It hardly seems real! And she's nervous. But she's going to be herself, which apparently means blowing kisses at the camera. It's just a reminder to the camera that she loves it, and just because she's leaving the room, she doesn't want it to think that she doesn't want to be near it anymore.
Amy heads to the Seal in a simple black dress with spaghetti straps. In the audience, we see Amy's mother and her boyfriend. Amy's boyfriend is seriously hot. Although with the caption "Amy's mother and boyfriend," he could possibly be Amy's mother's boyfriend. If that's the case, way to go, Amy's Mom! Amy's going to wail "Power of Love" until we just can't stand it, which for me is immediately. Don't try to convince me you're just boiling over with personality and then come out and belt out some crappy, soulless, generic "power" ballad. I think she's okay, but not terribly special. Her held notes sound a little thin, like she's about to lose control of them. Her arm gestures are stiff and rehearsed. The audience loves her, though. Maybe she sounds better in person.
Judges. Randy loves it and praises the way she started the song without any backing music, because you have to be on-key for when it comes in, and she was (I disagree -- she sounded about a half-step off, which still isn't bad). Paula thinks Amy was phenomenal. Simon looks at the brassy personality and brassy sound and brassy hair (and the fact that Amy is secretly thirty years old) and says he sees "Cabaret Idol" with Amy. Paula, idiot that she is, thinks Simon is saying Amy's a bad singer, which he's not. He complimented her singing. Randy says Amy can "grow out" of the cabaret style. Simon disagrees. Me, too. "Cabaret" is something you grow into, not out of, once you're no longer in that callow pop phase. It's like when those darling little boys in the choir hit puberty. Amy heads back to Ryan. She tells him that she's having a good time. And if having a good time sounds like cabaret, then so be it. She Joanne Worleys, "Cabaret!" Yes, I know I just used "Joanne Worley" as a verb. Just imagine Joanne sing-shouting a word, and you'll get it. Ryan gives Amy's numbers. Ryan also tells us they're dredging up all the bad contestants again for a special on Monday. No, we're not recapping it. Many TWoP staffers are devoted animal lovers, and we have a policy forbidding the beating of dead horses.
Commercials. You Dr. Scholl's ad writers are so going to Hellin'.
When we return, it's time for Charly Lowry. In her interview, Charly reminds us that she's a Native American from North Carolina. And she cries at her rehearsals. And she has a pronounced Carolina accent. But she wants people to remember her voice, not her accent.
Charly heads to the stage in a frilly pink dress to sing "Chain of Fools." Great. I got out of having to recap Diana Degarmosinging this, thanks toMiss Alli, but here it is again. You're twenty years old. You haven't datedanybodyfor five whole years. You're not a link inanybody'schain of clueless girlfriends. She smiles and bops her way through it, pageant-style. I think that before a contestant is allowed to sing a song, he or she should be required to write a brief essay explaining what the song is about first. If they can't explain it, then they can't sing it. Charly's voice is strong, but boring.Judges. Randy insists that Charly say something to show off her accent. He thinks that her speaking voice is better than her singing voice tonight; he says her pitch was "all over the place." Paula says Charly got into the "spirit" of the song toward the end (Buzz! Thanks for playing!), but she was looking for a "tighter" performance. Simon says he's going to say something really odd. He agrees with Paula. Which is an odd thing that I've sure he's done before. Bah, I don't feel like looking. He thinks Charly does have a good voice, but didn't get into the song enough. Then Paula reaches over and kisses Simon on the cheek. Uh, okay. The audience goes, "Woooooo!" Charly says she's glad to see something good come out of the audition. I see everybody's blocked out that hideous sketch from last season's finale. Except I guess for me. Sometimes I still wake up screaming. Charly heads back to Ryan and he talks about Simon and Paula kissing before giving us Charly's numbers.up is Jonah Moananu. In Jonah's clip show, we are reminded that he's from Hawaii. A lot. Every square inch of Jonah (that's a lot of inches) is Hawaiian. Yes, we get it, Jonah. You don't see me rattling on about how I'm gay every five…oh, wait. Sorry. Never mind. Go ahead and talk about your Hawaiianness some more. He tells us that he's tried all sorts of different types of music, such as reggae and rap. So he's unfocused. That's certainly a quality I'm looking for in a singer. He reminds us of his dumb rap award, and raps for us again.PreviousNext
Jonah heads to the Seal in a Hawaiian (of course) shirt, shell necklace, and khakis to sing a song called "I Wish" that I've never heard before. Is it supposed to sound this disjointed and boring? The song is like some sort of musical monologue, where certain words are held seemingly at random, regardless of whether or not it flows well. And the held notes are barely held. He sounds like he's going to drop them at any second, like when you're trying to carry several bags of groceries in by yourself, and you've got that one bag hanging off your pinky and you just hope you make it inside before the handle rips and you spill ranch dressing all over the driveway. Anyway, Jonah is bland and dull and blah. He gets crashing waves as his background screensaver because he's from Hawaii and all.
Judges. Randy says he's "a little disturbed." Oh, and also Jonah didn't sound as good as he did in the auditions. Paula cogently (!) points out that Jonah picked a "stylized" song that didn't have much by way of melody or hook, but reverts back to her usual cheerleading ways by saying that Jonah still had a good voice. Simon doesn't, though. He says he just didn't think Jonah was all that good and his timing was off. The audience boos. Simon says Jonah had his chance to shine, but didn't. Jonah heads back to Ryan, who asks him how he thinks he did. Jonah thinks that he did well, and hopes we vote for him. Yeah…no. Not happening. Ryan gives Jonah's numbers.
Commercials. up is Leah LaBelle, formerly known as Leah Vladowski. See, it's like how all those immigrants had their names shortened and Americanized when they arrived here: Gold, Smith, Patel…LaBelle. Same thing. In her clip show, we're reminded that Simon didn't like her that much. We're reminded that her parents were musicians in Bulgaria, and she grew up around music. She tells us she has a passion for music. That fluorescent yellow shirt pulled off her shoulder that she's wearing during this interview suggests she also has a passion for out-of-date '80s fashion, and we'll be revisiting that passion in the results show.
Leah heads out to the Seal in a black lace-up faux bustier and black lace skirt, over what appears to be spandex leggings. Oh, I guess we aren't waiting for tomorrow night for I Love the '80s. All she needs are some crucifixes and she'd be early Madonna. She's singing "I Have Nothing," and she's not that good. Her held notes all sound a little bit off. She does weird gestures throughout the song, pointing at people at random, then off to the side, then nearly miming the hula. She's obsessed with something off the right side of the stage. She keeps gesturing to it. Maybe her ex-boyfriend's sitting over there? Overall: eh. She's really no worse than Amy, but she just doesn't stand out as much as she should in this song.
Judges. Randy asks Leah how she thinks she did. She thinks she did pretty well. Randy agrees, but remembers her being an "R&B girl" in her first auditions. Uh oh! Sound the alarms! Somebody escaped her box! Paula declares that Leah is a star and the camera loves her. She has "potential." Which means that she wasn't all that good, but she's young and pretty and that makes up for it. Simon says that Leah is like a designer dress that has a small rip in the back. Does he mean Leah belongs at an outlet mall? No, he means that Leah has almost everything right, but she's not quite there yet. He brings up the "potential" crap again. I'm sick of "potential." If they're not ready, then they're not ready. Send 'em home and show me somebody who is. Leah heads back to Ryan, who asks her how she feels. She's surprised, because Simon didn't like her in Pasadena. But then he got that memo about picking somebody young and pretty and going on this nonsense about "potential," so now she's a star! Ryan gives us Leah's numbers.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for LaToya London, whom I believe is the only semifinalist in this group to get absolutely no screen time so far. In her interview, we learn that LaToya is a 25-year-old student from Oakland, CA. During the auditions, Simon said she was dressed like a mother. I don't know about Simon's mother, but I don't think my mom would ever wear a dress that was cut so low in the front that you could see the sides of her boobs. I shudder to think that those tabloid reports in England of Simon with the strippers are a sign of an Oedipal complex or something. Ew. I just actually shuddered. A fashion consultant agrees with Simon's assessment, so they're trying to make her look younger. I'm sorry, but I just can't imagine my mom in anything sleeveless and pink. She tries on clothes, many of them ugly. She changed the song she was going to sing. She tells us we're all stars, but she's her own star. Does that mean the rest of us are somebody else's star? Can I be Benjamin McKenzie'sstar? Please? Pretty please?LaToya heads out to the Seal in a white outfit with a strapless top (definitely not mom-like) with matching pants and waist wrap. She's going sing "All By Myself." Actually, she's going towail"All by Myself." She starts off slow, but by the chorus, she's holding out a note for about ten seconds. It'sgoodand all, but how much of that can you listen to? Because of the extensively held note, she actually only ends up singing around three lines of lyrics. My pun-friendly title for the episode isn't entirely accurate. There isn't even room for a bridge in this sample, what with all the wailing. Anyway, she blows Amy and Leah out of the water with her belting, but I'll be interested to see how her singing sounds when she's not making the windows vibrate.PreviousNext
Randy and Paula give her a standing ovation. Randy says that LaToya's the best they've heard since they started the show. Paula says that LaToya has a "quiet confidence" that commanded everybody's attention. Simon jokes, "It's difficult for you because the audience didn't like you." Everybody laughs. Simon says that she's been keeping this level of her talent quiet in the competition, but he could tell when she walked out that she knew that she was the best singer there. Well, all of them "know" that they're the best singers. If you could channel the level of self-delusion of reality show participants and convert it into power, we could provide broadband internet service to people living in the rain forests of South America. Simon concludes that it was a "superb, outstanding performance." LaToya heads back to Ryan, who asks her how she feels. She's shocked and happy. Ryan points out that apparently Randy and Paula stood up while LaToya was still performing, so she kind of knew it was going well. Ryan gives her numbers.
We get our final clip show, and since I've bitched about the [product-placed cola] "interviews" toward the end being nothing more than rehashes of Ryan's individual post-performance questions, they change it up and have Ryan ask the judges what they think about tonight's performances instead. That's nice of them, except that Ryan usually asks them this during the results show anyway, so it's still going to be a little redundant. At least the redundancy is spread over two nights now, instead of one hour. Simon says (after mocking Ryan's announcer voice) that it was a pretty good night. There was one very memorable performance (LaToya), and the question is which singer will get the second chair. Paula says she still has goosebumps from LaToya's performance. She thinks it's all much better than last week's performances. Randy thinks this may have been the best semifinal group they've ever had. Eh. I think the first group was better, with the exception of LaToya. Ryan ends the show with an insult against Simon and the entirety of Great Britain (calling it "the place where the sun doesn't shine"). Class-ay! I find it hysterical that Simon's cracks are so conventional and repetitive, and yet Ryan still can't come up with a way to respond that doesn't make him look like an idiot. Oh, and he thanks the Great Unknown, which his now calls "Michael O. and the Hungs." Because, you know, William Hung. If he changes their name every week, I might just have to drop my own nickname for them. But only if he's clever about it, which isn't likely.Wednesday. Add music! Zoom nine! Don't go stepping on Melodramatic Announcer's lines, Mr. Control Room Director. He'll put a hurting on you. Again we start in the control room before zooming into the Seal and seeing the kids standing around in the darkness. Melodramatic Announcer reminds us that two will be moving on the final twelve.PreviousNext
Credits. Ryan heads out to the Seal in a boring gray outfit with a pinstriped blazer. He promises us a fantastic show, which is not likely, given that it's the results show and everything important can be taken care of in ten seconds. He says two tonight will go to the finals, where the results can be summed up in three words: "Fame and fortune." Notice that he doesn't say for whom. He says that the remaining six's future can also be summed up in three words: "Paper or plastic." Ow. Dude. See, this is what happens when you try to outdo Simon. Simon tells singers that he doesn't like that they're not going to make it in the industry. He doesn't go telling them that they're doomed for failure for the rest of their lives. Pamie wrote a great rant about the difference between snarking on people and being a complete asshole. And it just highlights the fact that Simon isn't nearly as nasty as most of us are in our everyday lives. Then Ryan goes on to introduce Simon by saying that Simon has had plastic surgery. This will never happen to Ryan, of course, because he's already made entirely of artificial resins invented by DuPont and will never age. Simon says he can't believe what Ryan said about the kids becoming baggers. Ryan says he's playing the role of Simon tonight. Simon responds, "Not very well." Ryan: 0; Simon: 200,001 and counting. Ryan continues that Paula is "wiping the taste of Simon off her lips" from last night. From kissing, people! Remember, the FCC is protecting us now! Soon all of public entertainment will be targeted toward seven-year-olds! Won't that be wonderful and not make you want to switch to cable 24/7 or slit your own wrists? Ryan ends with another disgusting "dawg" reference about Randy lifting up a leg and peeing on things. Okay, never mind. Bring on the FCC.
The kids are sitting on the Sofas of Despair and the family are all back in Pimp Central as usual. Leah looks absolutely ridiculous in her pink-and-black '80s Jazzercise outfit and matching hoop earrings. The response was good this week, so Ryan reveals that thirteen million votes were cast. The clip recap of last night's show tries to convince us that everybody was just wonderful, except Simon didn't like some of them. The clips dwell heavily on Leah and LaToya's performances.
Back on the Seal, Ryan asks Elizabeth how she feels. She's nervous, because she was in such a good group. Also, she looked ridiculous last night and knows she doesn't stand a chance in hell. Ryan asks LaToya whether flying "under the radar" was part of her "strategy," as if she ever had any control over the fact that she had gotten no airtime. They tried to film her in Pasadena but she went all Sean Penn on the cameras, so they left her alone. She diplomatically tells Ryan that she really didn't have a "strategy" so much as she just remained calm, cool, and collected, which wasn't interesting enough to show, what with Alan Ritchson fellating himself and Kira Scott throwing acid on Simon. Jonah, what about Hawaii? He's all, "What about Hawaii?" He asks if he heard from Hawaii, like they all know each other, because it's so tiny and out in the ocean and all. Ryan says that he heard more people voted for American Idol than in the presidential caucuses there. That statement annoys me, because you can only vote once in the caucuses and only if you're a Democrat. And you have to be an adult. Of course the AI numbers will be greater. And I bet they didn't vote for Jonah anyway.
So, what did the judges predict last night? Randy repeats that he loved the group, and picks LaToya and Leah. Paula says she thinks they're going to have the best final twelve ever (what a risky declaration that is with this show's lengthy history) and also predicts LaToya and Leah. Simon predicts them as well.
Do the judges still feel that way? Ryan asks Simon if he has begun to care again. Simon says that he always cares. Ryan says Simon didn't last week. Simon says, "Stop being facetious and ask me a real question." Heh. Sometimes I just love the way that Simon alters reality around him. Sometimes I don't, though. I think I like it when he does it to Ryan and Paula and hate it when he does it to the contestants and us. Ryan asks how Simon felt about last night. Again. Simon repeats his comments about how LaToya was better than everybody else with his familiar 100-meter-dash comparison. Paula says that she's going to have to agree with Simon. Then Simon responds by grabbing Paula's head and kissing her. Ha! Paula pretends to be icked out, but nobody buys it. Ryan tells us that he's glad that they did that because now he can tell America that there's something going on with them, as if we didn't already know. Then Simon jokes that there's something going between Randy and Ryan. Ryan dismisses that quickly, because Matt's totally the jealous type and Ryan doesn't want to have to come into work week with a black eye. After all of this, there isn't really time to ask Randy what he thinks, particularly since what he thinks is the title of a Nelly song from two years ago.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan pimps the website crap before getting to the results. This time, to totally screw with everybody's heads, the results have absolutely no bearing on where the kids have been seated on the Sofas of Despair. So nobody really knows what their chances are until Ryan calls out their names. week, they'll mix it up even further with the addition of blindfolds and a roulette wheel. LaToya is first, and everybody loved her, so of course she's one of the top three. Ryan misuses the word "unanimous" in reference to the voting. Idiot. Jonah sucked, and America would prefer him to go hang loose back with his family. Charly Lowry was very pink and had "potential," but it's not enough. She's not in the top three. Eric was nowhere near as good as Clay Aiken, which is good, because he's NOT trying to be like Clay Aiken. He swears! But he also isn't good enough to be in the top three. Elizabeth was "cheap," but not quite cheap enough for FOX. She's not in the top three. Amy belted out a song and has "personality," so everybody loved her and she's in the top three. That leaves Leah and Jon fighting for the final seat.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan reveals that Jon got more votes than Leah. Leah gives Jon a hug, then sits there, stone-faced. We get a shot of Jon's cute brother in Pimp Central. Call me, Jon's cute blond brother! Jon is several inches shorter than Ryan. The reason he wants that tiny dancer is so that he can have a girlfriend shorter than he is.