Here's a brief recap of the American Idol: Life on the Road special: I don't care.
We open the results show directly into the credits, featuring the World Idol logo in its Script Sans Budget font (no, I'll never get tired of ripping off djb's jokes). Oh, I didn't realize last time that the gigantic transsexual superstar is striding through a field of flags from various nations, not just the United States. I'm terribly sorry. So much effort went into this opening and I didn't notice. Giant gender-bending liquid mercury monstrosities are taking over the earth!
Our Japanese anime super-deformed hosts Ant and Dec, having finished hiding all the prize flags in their Fun House set (put the remote-control dune buggy flag someplace really easy, so at least the kids will win something), come out to greet the cheering crowd. Obviously they're even doing different versions of the results show, because Ant and Dec make reference to "our" Kelly competing against the world. After blathering on about the worldwide vote (they don't tell us the actual number of votes, though), Ant and Dec introduce the ten contestants to the stage. Oops, eleven. I forgot about Jamai. Can you try to stand out a little more, Jamai? Nobody's dressed particularly bizarrely, although Kelly shouldn't be wearing dresses with those big holes in the middle. They don't look good on her. The kids all sit on couches on stage left.
After some blathering about the new year and how mean some of the judges were, we get a clip show recap of the performances. Yay! These used to drive me crazy, but that's before I got burned out and started looking forward to things I can skim through. Alexander was awful and the judges hated him. Guy was meh and the judges loved him. Diana didn't sing in English. There's some guy in weird glasses. Oh, Jamai. Heinz was as pretty as a statue and about as good a singer. Kuba, the Polish judge, was crazysexycool. Alex, the Polish singer, was crazycreepybad. Ryan from Canada was smarmy. Kelly was loud, and the hosts lie that Kelly's praise was "universal." They ignore the two pieces of criticism against her. Peter was loud, too, in his Nirvana impression, which caused an argument with the judges. Will Young still gives me the creeps. I'm sure he's a nice young man, but his singing makes me want to hide behind the curtains. And finally, Kurt from Norway surprised everybody with his full voice and his Bono impersonation. And he looks like a hobbit.
Commercials. Ah, I see the folks of Excedrin have now found some women with hypno-eyes to sell you their headache pills.
When we return, Ant and Dec remind us why we're watching the show. But before we get to that point, they have to torment us for forty more minutes. Helping out is former Spice Girl Victoria Beckham, here to "sing" a song, titled "Let Your Head Go." We cut over to the stage, where a cheesy red-velvet prop throne from a high school production of Hamlet slowly spins around, revealing Victoria seated there. She's wearing a tight-fitting red velvet dress. She's singing about as much of this song as I am. Which is to say: none. She's an even worse lip-syncer than Britney. And she doesn't even have the excuse that she's dancing around a lot. She's just writhing around a bit as a dozen faux gangsta thugz in trucker hats dance around her. The song isn't bad at all -- it's a fun, simple Kylie Minogue-esque dance number. But she's not singing it. After she's done pretending to sing, Ant and Dec head over and ask her who she thinks is going to win. She says she loves both Kelly and Will, so she's not sure. They all wish each other Happy New Year as the audience pretends to care.
Before we go to the commercial break, we get a montage of bad dances, which surprisingly didn't include Victoria. "Play That Funky Music, White Boy" plays as people of all genders (and that includes a guy in women's lingerie) and colors dance badly. Australia apparently had its own set of untalented twins. Some shirtless guy shimmies his ass. I don't know if he could sing (I'm guessing not), but it was a nice ass.
In a commercial, Ryan Seacrest insists that his new syndicated show is going to be different because he'll have live interviews with celebrities. We're really sailing into uncharted waters, aren't we, there? I do believe his statement that he'll "do anything" for his new show. I'm sure he probably already has.
When we return, it's still not time to drag out the results yet. So we get a performance by former pop sensation Elton John. Jamai would be so thrilled, if only anybody remembered that Elton was his music idol. Or that he was even part of the competition. Elton sits at a piano in a rather tame black suit with black-tinted glasses and an earring that looks like a fishing lure. He's got a band with him as well, as he performs "Are You Ready For Love." He sounds pretty good. He's not as exciting as he used to be, but he's solid. The audience claps along. The editing jumps when he's introduced and after his performance is over, making me wonder if the contestants were even there when he performed. Poor Jamai missed out on his chance to meet his idol.
Ant and Dec pretend they were just watching Elton, and then turn to us for a special segment to remind us that American Idol 3 will be making me cry very, very soon. We get a five-minute segment about the auditions, and I'm not going to recap this. Do you want to know why? I can tell by the fact that Ryan is narrating this that we're actually watching the first five minutes of the first episode of the season, which is going to air in about three weeks. And I'm going to have to recap that. I'm not recapping the exact same thing twice. They still think it's a big deal when Randy is sometimes as nasty as Simon, like he wasn't that way from the start. And Paula gets pissy at some guy. Oh, and some guy throws water at Simon. Hee. And there are Klingons. I hope they beat on a table when they sing. The only three good auditions they show are of thin, attractive young women. Ant and Dec remind us that season three starts on January 19. And it's on three nights in a row. And if Tru Calling isn't cancelled by that point, somebody might DIE BEFORE HIS TIME, and it might be me.
Commercials. In another commercial for American Idol 3, the only good singer is an attractive, young, thin woman.
When we return, it's time for vote results. Yay! Since we're tabulating the results from eleven different countries (well, thirty-two, if you count each of the twenty-two "Pan Arabia" nations separately), they actually have an excuse for dragging this out. We're going to be sent to representatives from each country, who will tell us the order of finish there. Each contestant gets points based on his or her placement, and they're all added up at the end to determine the winner. Each contestant gets an automatic 12 points for his or her own nation, since people couldn't vote for their own representative.
In an actual (and intentionally) funny moment, Ant and Dec announce that the United Kingdom will give the results first, and then there's awkward silence for a few seconds until they realize that means they will be the ones to read out the order. They read the results in reverse order, but I'm just going to put them in the final order in which they finished. Will gets the twelve free points, of course, followed by Kurt Nilsen, Kelly Clarkson, Peter Evrard, Heinz Winckler, Guy Sebastian, Ryan Malcolm, Diana Karazon (though her name is now suddenly spelled "Karzon"), Alex, Alexander, and finally, Jamai.
Our stop is Belgium. Peter gets the twelve free points. They cut over to Nina, the hot Belgian judge, who is going to reveal the winners while sitting in front of a blue screen showing a Belgian landmark. Seriously, I think she's just backstage. The order is Kurt, Kelly, Heinz, Alexander, Will, Alex, Jamai, Guy, Ryan, and finally, Diana. Man, look at who Alexander beat. So Kurt has taken the lead.
up is Australia. Guy gets twelve points. The two hosts of Australian Idol are going for the pretty guy/ugly guy combination. The blond guy is really hot in a stoner/surfer way, and he doesn't seem as horribly desperate for attention as Ryan. I suggest a trade. The order of votes is Kurt, Kelly, Heinz, Peter, Will, Ryan, Diana, Alex, Jamai, and Alexander. Kurt is finding this all a bit hysterical onstage. He's smiling his big gap-toothed smile and shaking his head in disbelief. Currently Kurt is in the lead, and Kelly and Peter are tied for second.
we head to America, where Ryan blew somebody in order to get some screen time in order to pimp his wretched new show before reading the results. Kelly gets twelve points. Then the order is Kurt, Heinz (never forget the Jim Verraros vote), Diana, Peter, Guy, Will, Ryan, Alex, Jamai, and finally Alexander. We gave Diana her highest vote, not counting the automatic twelve she got from "Pan Arabia."
Speaking of the mythical "Pan Arabia," which I've decided is the location of most Hollywood movies taking place in the Middle East, we turn to them for their results. A casually dressed couple stands in front of a couple of skyscrapers. The camera is angled up at them as if to say, "Yes, world, we do have an advanced, modern civilization here, the vast majority of which is not currently being bombed." Diana gets her twelve votes. Then the order is Alexander, Ryan, Heinz, Alex, Peter, Kelly, Kurt, Will, Guy, and finally Jamai. Wow. That's just…wow. Well, it takes all kinds. I'm amused that, despite the inversion of the order, Jamai still did poorly. It's more proof that it's better to be bad than to be dull. The tally shows that Kurt and Kelly are tied for the lead at the halfway point.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Poland's vote. Sadly, we're denied Kuba reading the results, probably because they couldn't find the gutter he was sleeping in. Alex gets twelve points, of course. Then some guy in front of a blue-screen of a building in Warsaw reads the rest. The order is Kurt, Peter, Kelly, Will, Heinz, Guy, Alexander, Jamai, Malcolm, and Diana.
up are the votes from Holland. A woman standing in front of a candelabra to a window reads the results in a slow, methodical manner reminiscent of Nicole Kidman's line readings in Eyes Wide Shut. Jamai gets twelve points, which practically doubles his score at this point. The rest of the order is Kurt, Kelly, Will, Peter, Guy, Ryan, Alexander, Alex, Heinz, and Diana. Kurt is now leading Kelly by three points. Kelly is calm about it all. Ant and Dec mention that Will, in fifth place, still has a chance. Will laughs his ass off because he knows it's not true and he doesn't care.
up is Canada's vote. We meet Ben Mulroney, and in 5.7 seconds I realize why every Canadian poster on our forums hates this guy. He acts like he's made entirely out of Smarm™, a special genetic substance designed by Monsanto for use in the creation of television hosts. I think they're still working on the formula. This guy could not have been born and raised by actual human beings. He's like an alien from a sci-fi/comedy in the '80s trying to pretend that he's a human. And his hair looks like something that belongs on one of those little plastic Fisher Price people that don't have any legs. Ryan gets twelve points. The order of the rest is Kurt, Kelly, Peter, Heinz, Guy, Diana, Will, Alex, Jamai, and Alexander. There's really no way Kurt isn't winning this, but everybody pretends that Kelly still has a chance.
Our stop is Germany, where we meet their nation's counterparts to Jillian Barberie and Dan Cortese. They're pretty, but terribly plastic. The guy's facial expressions are rather weird throughout this. Alexander gets his twelve points, followed by Kurt, Kelly, Alex, Heinz, Diana, Will, Peter, Ryan, Guy, and Jamai. Even Alex looks a bit surprised at hooking third place. With two nations left to count, Kurt is leading by five points.
But first, a clip show! Clips! "To show the journey to victory." Oh, and more bad auditions, too. We see Kristin Holt fall down. That never stops being funny. We see clips of the same clips they showed halfway through the show of the bad dancers. Terrific. People cry. We get to see the moment that each Idol is declared the winner.
Commercials. Lipitor -- the drug that keeps you from walking into things. Or at least, that's what their latest commercial teaches me.
When we return, it's time for Norway. Kurt gets another twelve points. Two men sitting at a news deck greet us, and one of them sings us a New Year's greeting. Odd. The order is Kelly, Peter, Ryan, Will, Heinz, Alex, Jamai, Guy, Diana, and Alexander. Ryan and Will both deliberately overreact to their finishes, acting like they're excited when neither of them actually cares.
The final nation to have its votes tallied is South Africa. A woman stands outside so that the camera can get the view of some mountains in the background. I'm pretty sure she's actually outside, based on the angle of light on her. Heinz gets his twelve votes. Then the order is Kurt, Will, Kelly, Ryan, Peter, Guy, Jamai, Alex, Alexander, and finally Diana. So Kurt wins. After all the votes are counted, the top five order is Kurt, Kelly, Peter, Heinz, and Will. They don't show the bottom five and I'm not interested in doing any math. Oh wait, six. Sorry, Jamai.
So Kurt, our World Idol, heads over and joins Ant and Dec. How does he feel? He feels great. He really wasn't expecting to win and is pretty gobsmacked (to use one of my favorite Brit terms) that he swept nearly every country. The three of them sort of mill around a bit, because this show doesn't really have any conclusion because there's no actual prize other than the title. It's like winning "employee of the month" or something. I mean, even the kids on Fun House had the chance to snag a trip for four to Universal Studios. So Ant and Dec and the other idols just sort of applaud for him, and that's about it. And he gets to sing us out with "Beautiful Day," as the Idol-brand confetti falls all around him, informing us that he's now famous enough for the world press to start saying nasty things about him. Yay!