By Joe R
The girls are lined up on the staircase to start, and Asia'h is first, so I guess it's in order of height? Wait, where's Ramiele? Anyway, this is the last chance for the girls to perform before we see who gets to go to finals and have to put up with all the strippers and dope smokers and teenaged shoo-ins we saw last night. Ryan accuses Randy Jackson of being "too nice" this season, and since nobody decides to make a good/evil joke about the goatee, I won't either. I've managed to pause the DVR while we're on a shot of the Dawg Pound and four of the eight guys (all three Davids, plus Castro) are wearing scarves. This is becoming a serious problem that we all need to band together and face as a nation. We lost the battle against Uggs, we cannot afford to let the indoor scarves win as well.
Paula's dumb-ass advice to the girls is to pick one of the great songs that the '80s has to offer, once again failing to mention the ridiculously constricted list of approved songs that the contestants have to choose from. I'm not saying that excuses poor song choices -- Lord knows there had to have been better options than "Another Day In Paradise" and that Wham! Song last night -- but it's just one more reason these themed semi-finals are sucking ass. She then crazies a bit about how she wishes the girls had dressed up like asshole in bad '80s fashions before Ryan shuts her up and gets to business.
Asia'h's up first, and we're still on "Most Embarassing Moments." Hers has something to do with a collision at a roller disco. Would that all of our most embarrassing moments could occur someplace as glamorous as a roller disco rather than in our high school auditoriums. On stage, she bounces her way around Whitney's "I Wanna Dance With Somebody." Isn't this one of those cursed songs that people keep getting eliminated on? Anyway, I'm not sure if it's the song or the violet-on-lavender wardrobe (Paula! Here's one!) or the fact that she's teeny-tiny, but this is very Kids, Incorporated, right here. It's probably the song, because Asia'h can still bring it with the voice. She still sounds kind of hoarse on the big notes, but it's kind of charming. Anyway, the judges pretend like this song is some untouchable big-voicer Whitney song when it's really just disposable fluff (more disposable than regular Whitney? Yes), but Randy thinks it was hot and Paula says she nailed it. Simon says it was "second-rate Whitney," which Asia'h enthusiastically says she'll take. She's clearly frustrated by two straight weeks of Simon's disapproval, but he concedes that it was enough to get her into finals.
Carly's embarrassing story involves getting her leg stuck on/in/around/under the bar where she works, needing to have her leg greased up with butter to get it free. Hmm. I'm not sure that's the 100% correct truth right there. Perhaps if she'd been slathered with $2 million worth of record-company butter and was only able to sell 340 copies of her debut album...I mean...free up her leg...I mean...nah, sorry, that one got away from me. Leg stuck under a bar it is! She's singing the Cyndi Lauper/Roy Orbison/Celine Dion song "I Drove All Night," and while she's sporting some serious Mom hair (and makeup!), the performance is excellent; the best she's done so far. She still looks slightly awkward onstage, more like an audition than a performance. This is a girl who needs to be on a stage with a real band -- not a backing band but a group of which she is a part. It just seems like she keeps looking around for someone to play off of and can't find anyone. I wonder if moving to the big stage week could remedy that. Randy, in praising her, makes it seem like Carly's just aiming for the high notes and knocking them out, which is not the praise I think he thinks it is. Speaking of which, Paula says Carly is like "the dependable dog." Wow, move over "massive lack of personality." We have a new harshest insult, this time in the guise of a compliment! Carly good-naturedly chimes in that she was "a donkey in Hollywood week," which is something I really wish we'd seen on TV. Paula says Carly found her niche, she's smiling, "and by the way, you're singing." That's how someone described Paula's new single to her, I guarantee it. Simon hated the song choice, causing Carly to throw up her hands all, "Dude! Cut me a break!" She asks him what he would like (not brattily, more like fishing for suggestions), and Simon says he liked when she sang "I'm Every Woman" at auditions. Okay, which a) he said at the time wasn't as good as her season 5 audition, and b) was the least interesting thing she's done on this show besides the Stevie Wonder song. But Carly's going to follow his advice, of course. That ought to be fun.
Kristy Lee Cook used to pretend she was a dog when she was a child, barking at people and drinking out of a bowl. Wow, I didn't know Kristy Lee was part of the Running With Scissors family. So Kristy Lee's singing a Journey song, and...oh, awesome. I was just saying the other day -- after a fake song list for this week said we'd be hearing "Open Arms" this week -- that I'd be glad to hear some other Journey songs get some play. Who knew Kristy Lee Cook would be the one to grant my wish. "Faithfully." Sweet. This song, by the way, was subjected to the worst karaoke version of a song I'd ever seen in person, so much so that my entire table had to belt it from our seats to save this poor girl the embarrassment. Kristy Lee's not as bad, but she has turned this into a country song, as per Simon's request from last week, which doesn't work for me. Speaking of which...hey, you know what you should totally do if you're covering a Steve Perry song? Not be able to hit any power notes at all. That'll do the trick. Yikes. Randy says it's a great song (it is), but he falls for the countrification of it, which he calls "cool" (it wasn't). Paula, too, who thinks it could be a country hit. Simon dutifully praises Kristy Lee's ability to follow his instructions, but he calls her forgettable and says she'll finish 10th at best. Kristy Lee says that's fine with her, which...what can you do with that? She's shooting for 10th.
Ryan sends Ramiele down the staircase early on account of her short little legs (heh -- I'm sorry, I'm finding Ryan charming and funny tonight). Her secret shame involves dropping off a pic of herself at a boy's house and having that boy and his mother pick up the photo and laugh at it. Okay, but flip the genders and isn't that the entire premise of I Love New York? Which, granted, is pretty embarrassing in and of itself. Ramiele's singing "Against All Odds," which is played out, on this show especially, but still a pretty great song on its merits. Looking back at Ramiele's other peformances -- "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me" and "Don't Leave Me This Way" -- I have to wonder if Ramiele isn't the biggest American Idol superfan on this show. And she started watching during, I'll say, season 4 (just like me!). That's my unfounded speculation this week. Anyway, she powers her way through the song, impressive but not surprising. She's got the goods, now I need her to shock me with them. Randy mispronounces her name and tells her to let go and be confident. Paula stops short of praising the colors of her voice (again) and instead goes for the "texture." Tune in week to see what Ramiele's voice tastes like. Then there's a whole thing where the audience starts to heckle Paula, and Randy calls them a Dawg Pound unto themselves, and Paula's like, "Yeah, the mutts" and then she drunkenly babbles that she didn't mean it (stick with your joke, Abdul! It wasn't half bad), and it's getting late in the hour so I think the wheels are coming off. Simon says the performance was old-fashioned and lacking a "big money note." Ryan takes the stage and tries to squeeze out something about the deeper meaning the song holds for her, but she's all, "None of your business! TMTH!" about it. She actually says that "TMTH" part, which only serves to remind me how she's going to WEEP when Danny gets voted off tomorrow.
"'Love Is A Battlefield' for Brooke White," Ryan promises before the break. O...kay? That doesn't make any sense at all. Her TMTH embarrassment involves church (of course) and jumping on top of someone who she thought was her dad. Anyway. "Love Is A Battlefield." Brooke has decided to show those boys that they're not the only ones who can rejigger songs to their own purposes (or glom onto other people's rejiggerings is probably more likely). Only here she's taking a rock rendition and softening it up. She's leaving the acoustic guitar to the band tonight, but she's also sitting on the edge of the stage like she's waiting for little children to start bringing her flowers and teddy bears. I'm just going to up and admit that this song just isn't the same without all the shoulder-shimmy dancing. I'll own that. It's a good rendition, anyway, with Brooke's voice as pretty and vulnerable as ever. Randy liked it but didn't think she brought anything new to it, which is a total violation of the agreement the judges entered into wherein they pledged to freak the hell out about rearranging songs in this manner. Fly, my little conspiracy monkeys, and tell tales of David Cook as The Chosen One. Randy tries to credit Paula as choreographer on the original Pat Benatar video, and both Brooke and I are prepared to be very impressed by that, but Paula says she was merely a consultant. She also says, essentially, that she wishes Brooke had busied the arrangement up a lot more, which Simon totally disagrees with. He loved the sparseness and Brooke's "original take." Well at least someone is adhering to the accords.