By Joe R
It's Jacob's birthday week, which means it's Reese Witherspoon's birthday week, which means I need to plan a birthday lunch where I sit her down and make her explain her choices to me and how we're going to resolve to make better ones in the year ahead, but also it means I take Idol off of Jacob's hands for the week, as has become the custom. In this particular case, it means my awesome buzz off of seeing Billy Crudup and Raul Esparza live on stage is about to be murdered by this collection of dead-eyed screechers ruining the music of Motown.
Ryan starts us off in black-and-white because: old-timey, but much like everything else about Ryan Seacrest, it is fleeting and artificial. We are live and in living color. We are learning about the history of Motown. We are fast-forwarding past what the judges have to say at any and all times. Ryan points out Liv Tyler in the audience; then, in reference to her dad being an awful old perv, he suggests she "might need earmuffs for part of the show." And much like everything else about Ryan Seacrest, the awfulness of everything else around him has made him correct.
I want to pre-apologize for my crabbiness in this recap. I thought I'd dropped this show for good after Simon left. Then Jacob lured me back with stories of Colton Dixon and Dawn Weiner, but they were eliminated, like, the second I started watching. So now I'm stuck with THE MOST BORING PEOPLE ON THE PLANET, and if they're not boring then they're Paul McDonald or Scotty McCreery or Casey Abrams, each one of them driving me up a separate tree. All I've got to hold onto is Jacob Lusk and his groundbreaking genre of R&B(urlesque), and since your little sister doesn't want to go to prom with him, he's gonna be gone soon anyway. Man cannot live off Stefano's gorgeous smile alone, people. God damn it, this show.
Casey Abrams -- "Heard It Through the Grapevine"
Casey is up first and is still of the firm belief that he is much cooler than you. The producers all encourage him to quit screaming like a feral weirdo, but he's firmly of the "fuck that" persuasion when he's on the stage. He's dressed all dapper-like, with his hair slicked down about as far as it's going to allow. To Casey's credit (or the producers, whatever), this arrangement of the show sounds decidedly Casey and not like a pale Motown copycat, which is the eternal danger of these songs.
Thia Megia -- "Heatwave"
Thia wanted to change Randy's mind about her being boring, so she chose a song that's been sung blandly on each and every season of this show. (In Thia's defense, she was not yet alive for the early seasons.) The performance is on the good side of the Thia Spectrum: slight and talent-showy but in tune and not unpleasant. She does get lost among the lyrics more than once, and the visible "GULP" look she gives when she does is crazy conspicuous. She's also dressed up like Hailee Steinfeld on her way to the Oscars, with this giant heart pendant made from crushed charm bracelets.
Judges: (Inconsequential babbling)
Jacob Lusk -- "You're All I Need to Get By"
LUSK! Okay, but seriously, you guys? I don't know why everybody hates this guy. I mean, sure, 70% of people should hate this guy, but where are my 30% who love big, belty divas no matter how ridiculous they are? Where is Elton John threatening allegations of racism if Jacob doesn't advance? Isn't Jacob the best-case scenario for if Tyler Perry ever decided to be honest about himself? Doesn't he do for R&B exactly what Lambert did for rock (i.e. scream a lot and make people very uncomfortable at all times)? Are you going to start agreeing with me or do I have to keep asking these rhetorical questions?
The whole production session is about Jimmy Iovine trying to hate-crime Jacob into hiding his light under a bushel. Or, you know, "controlling" his voice. Whatever, man. This season is already a complete write-off. I want to see R&B driven to its scary, show-offy natural end. Unfortunately, Jacob pretty much keeps things steady; which is too bad, because this song is structured to start off normal and then get bugnuts if you let it. Still, it's nice that Jacob can get the judges on his side -- Steven jumps up on stage to hug him (which has to look very much like a paisley-colored wasp closing in on you at unsteady speeds), and J.Lo tries to sing along with him even though she gets the words wrong. I'm telling you people, give this girl a chronic back injury and a dump truck full of Vicodin and we've got our Paula back!
Judges: (Inconsequential babbling)
Ryan: (invites some debilitatingly misguided girls up to the stage to hug Jacob)
Lauren Alaina -- "You Keep Me Hangin' On"
Lauren's supposed to be sixteen, right? That's crazy. She seems way older than that, in ways that are both good and bad. Like, she looks like she's got it together in a way that's super impressive, but it also makes her moments of genuine teenage-ness seem more annoying than they would coming from, say, Thia. I also don't think the stylists like her very much, because after last week's "dumpy ranch hand" look, they've got her in a dress made up of a black-and-white Fibonacci spiral. Anybody who thinks Lauren's the "chosen one," with Nigel Lythgoe doing everything short of hypnotizing the audience into voting for her, this is the final piece of your conspiratorial puzzle.
With the occasional exception of Pia Zadora, Lauren is the only girl who can perform like she's an actual artist you'd pay to see and not somebody who's asking you to cast a ballot for them. For that reason alone, she should stick around for a long time. (Not that she can possibly win, of course. We've all resigned ourselves to the fact that this is now a show where teen girls and their mothers have colonized this show in the name of Cute Boys with Feelings, right?) She can't quite pull off the attitude required for the "And there ain't nothin' I can do about it" breakdown, but everything else falls into place nicely for Lauren.
Judges: (Inconsequential babbling)
Stefano Langone -- "Hello"
And just so the tweens and Twi-moms who rule this show don't turn on me, I should not that I can't entirely blame them for feeling the way they do. Case in point: Stefano. He is adorable, people. Unavoidable fact. He says he never heard this song before this week, proving once and for all that music videos are swiftly being lost to the recycling bins of history. Ryan reminds us that David Cook had a huge week with this song back in Season 7, but obviously Stefano's not going to do that. What he IS going to do is belt the shit out of it, without regard for words or meaning or sentiment. It's the kind of performance that Simon would really light into, because while the vocals were powerful, but there was no feeling projected, because you don't have feelings for a succession of high notes and resting beats. Weirdly, Jennifer Lopez gets this and tells Stefano he didn't "make a connection." Randy then proceeds to parrot "make a connection" a billion times thereafter, proving his eternal destiny as a second banana. He keeps talking, too; just babbling on and on about nothing, until he ends up asking Stefano, "You and Ryan are in a serious, committed, deeply sexual relationship, right?" Because if you put a thousand chimps in a room with a thousand typewriters, eventually one of them will end up writing Ryan Seacrest slash-fic.
After the break, Ryan's out in the audience with Gordon Ramsay. And what happens when you've got two complete assholes like that, side-by-side, the natural result is that they both will end up insulting Stefano's mom's home cooking (there was a whole bit with leftovers before Stefano performed). The audience rightly turns on them for being jerks, including an apropos-of-nothing Adam Shankman, who is starting to become my own personal Where's Waldo, showing up in the background of everything at all times. I love you, Adam, but stop ruining the Rock of Ages movie and give your So You Think You Can Dance chair up so we can have revolving judges again. Thanks!
Haley Reinhart -- "You Really Got a Hold on Me"
It took me a very long time to believe that Haley was not the girl who got pregnant last season on Friday Night Lights. I feel bad for Haley in that regard, because she's apparently not that girl, yet I keep on hating her like she is. The terrible singing doesn't entirely help. She says her goal is to stop constantly being in the Bottom Three, which will happen exactly the week after she is eliminated. This performance ... you guys. It's not even that bad, voice-wise. But the whole thing has a Vegas vibe, from her weird "comedienne's jacket + short-shorts" ensemble to the blazingly insincere enthusiasm. For this I lost Rachel Matarazzo? On the bright side, J.Lo can't stand her, and that's always fun to watch.
Judges: (Inconsequential babbling)
Scotty McCreery -- "For Once in My Life"
Well, this should be a disaster. And not just because lil' Scotty has to step out of his country comfort zone and into the big, scary urban metropolis of Motown, either. Let the record show that Scotty McCreery is off-putting and terrible in his home genre as well. But seriously though: are there even any Motown songs that manage to sound both creepily paternalistic and inappropriately sexual that Scotty can then deliver with his characteristic, George W. Bush-style condescending side-lean?
Scotty and the producers concoct some kind of countrified take on Stevie Wonder. "My biggest fear is the lounge-singer," says Jimmy Iovine. Much like you'd stand in front of Freddy Kreuger and say, "My biggest fear is the razor-blade fingers." Oh, and did you think I was being unnecessarily mean about the creepy leaning and condescending delivery? Because here's Scotty, taking Stevie Wonder's joyous song about life-changing love and turning it into Part 4 of Scotty McCreery's Our Changing Bodies. Oh, and that celebrated deep country voice of his? Might as well have hung an "Out to Lunch" sign on the mic stand tonight. The worst. (Bright side? We haven't gotten to Paul McDonald yet.)
Judges: (Inconsequential babbling)
Pia Megia -- "All in Love Is Fair"
Much like Haley, Pia -- while very pretty -- reminds me so intensely of Tori from the Real World/Road Rules Challenge that it is almost impossible to like her. Also, she has an impressively strong voice that she seems determined to use only in service of the world's most boring songs, which is a direct affront to God, and I don't truck with blasphemers. It's funny, because speaking of Him, I feel like Pia is God's great big cosmic payback for me liking Katherine McPhee as much as I did. He took a girl, gave her the exact same musical instincts and voice as Kat, then put on her the face of someone I don't like. It's like when Tyra went out in the fat suit, so people wouldn't be blinded by her beauty and could instead pay attention to how awful her personality was.
Judges: (Inconsequential babbling)
(...What's that? I never even mentioned what Pia's performance was like? I've given you nothing to hold on to and no indication as to whether she was good or bad? Well now you know what it was like to watch her.)
Paul McDonald -- "Tracks of My Tears"
Continuing with my own personal "People the Idol Kids Remind Me Of" theme, I should note that Paul McDonald needs to go away if for no other reason than he is ruining Aaron Paul for me. That said, this is easily the best performance I've seen from him on the show. He's never going to be un-affected, but he does a very fine job of allowing the song to fill up his own personal style without feeling very strained. I still think he's a hipster boogeyman, but this is miles better than the human rights violations he put my favorite Ryan Adams song through.
Judges: (Inconsequential babbling)
Naima.Adedapo -- "Dancing in the Streets"
Not to come across as lending credence to the conspiracy nuts out there, but I'm kind of impressed that the show would attempt to bail Naima out a little by placing her so late in the show. Ever since the performance shows went to 2-hours full time, those performing in the first hour have had a bitch of a time getting people to remember to vote for them. Anyway, Naima really digs down to the meaning of the song: "Let's just get out and dance in the streets." Indeed. I really like the idea of Naima -- she seems like a super fun girl, I like that she incorporates dancing into her performances, and as an adult among children, she has my endless sympathy. But the performances always leave me about a step and a half away from loving her.
Naima states that the songs lyrics about dancing all over the world inspired her to lend some African flavor to the performance, and while the dance style is certainly African, the African drummer up on the stage to her gets pretty definitively drowned out by the big brass section that makes up the rest of the arrangement, leaving the drummer looking more like window dressing than anything else. Despite those reservations, it's a very solid vocal; you'd hope it's enough to keep her around another week.
Judges: (Inconsequential babbling)
Uncle Nigel: (Creepy clapping approval of Naima's dancing)
Joe: (Very much hoping So You Think You Can Dance returns soon)
James Durbin -- "Living for the City"
The thing about James -- besides the fact that the Lambert fans hating on him is pretty hilarious -- is that he's delivered some of my favorite performances of the season. And in any other season, he'd be solidly in the middle. Still, I'll take pleasant-sounding competence where I can get it. The song choice is a challenge for me -- you know Taylor Hicks ruined it for me five (!) years ago. But I think the genre clash really works out in James's favor -- he doesn't try to drown the song in rock the way Scotty did with country, but his own voice and sensibility makes those changes for him. He also gets a little dancey on the ramp-ways, which is adorable. Say what you will about James Durbin, but he does not for one second think he's better than this show. He's working it every second, in a way I really admire.
Judges: (Inconsequential babbling)
I'll say, after an hour and a half of dreck, the show at least finished on some strong performances. James, Naima, and Paul were definitely the best of the night. If I were to make a pick for who's going home? Thia, Haley, or LUSK. Probably Haley, but Thia's in no-man's land in terms of where she was placed in the lineup, and America don't care for gay-cabaret soul.
See you tomorrow for eliminations and filler!
Joe R loves that Jennifer Lopez will wear a top made from spun pink sugar. Questions, comments, and unadulterated love can be sent to him at joseph.reid21@gmail.com.