Of course, after the break we don't find out right away, because the gods of filler have to be appeased. Then it's a video package of the Top 4 in Vegas as they went to see that Beatles/Cirque du Soleil abomination. Once again: BEATLES! BEATLES! YOU LIKE THE BEATLES, RIGHT?? The Idols pet dolphins. They pet children. The gays have their way with their hair and makeup. Castro acts strange and uncomfortable at all times. Archuleta fails to get kidnapped and raised by either Bette Midler or the Blue Man Group. You know, nothing interesting.
Back to the eliminations, out to the stage is David Cook. Hell, he's not going anywhere either. Ryan proves that his 22-hour day doesn't prevent him from trolling the internet by asking David if he was feeling a little down last night, oh, for whatever reason please whore out your sick brother and save us from this ratings downslide please! David continues to avoid shining that particular light on his personal life, and Ryan doesn't press it further. David's made it through to week. Interestingly, David looks super enthusiastic as he heads towards Archuleta and the couches, clearly ready to celebrate, but by the time he gets there, Arch's inability to connect with anyone else on a human level has effectively harshed Cook's buzz. Way to ruin everything, kid.
Ryan then calls Jason and Syesha to the stage. Once again, he doesn't call this the Bottom Two, which is weird, because...is it not? I think we all assumed it was, but why is Ryan being so cagey about it? Anyway, Ryan takes us all for idiots who can't tell time when he makes like he's going to reveal who's out. Nobody's fooled -- Jason says, "You're not gonna tell us right now, right?" And Syesha goes, "No, he's gonna go to break." Nice. Ryan does indeed send us to commercials, then no doubt starts pouting about his spot getting blown.
Pimpmercial: Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire," which is totally sick and wrong, but it does afford us the opportunity to see what Jason Castro would look like as a gay matador. I think it suits him, myself. Yeah, so the theme of the video is that brightly colored matadors are pitted against K.I.T.T., or something. A car that drives itself. As always, Ryan and the Idols think the whole thing is hilarious. Of course, I'd watch that video on a loop for twenty minutes rather than the ensuing call-in segment. Oh, sweet embrace of death, why didn't you take me before this part?? "Emily" asks David Cook if he'll take her on a date in Pittsburgh this summer. No he most certainly will not, is the actual answer, but David makes it politely vague. "Sarah" asks about their biggest challenges. Syesha says stage fright, which: bulllllllshit. David A. doesn't like to think about things and doesn't answer. Jason, almost verbatim, says "My pot-addled brain." David Cook is nice enough not to say "Whiskey-voiced Pittsburghians who want to fuck me." Simon gets asked yet another "Why are you so awesome?" question, which: pass. Syesha then gets asked about being the only girl, and she's like, "Boys are disgusting to live with," but not in so many words. But much like the Civil Rights leaders of the 1960s instinctively knew what the country needed to become, so did I instinctively know what Syesha was really talking about. One last question about whether the Idols have gotten feedback from the artists they've covered. Cook says he heard back from Raine Maida (the Our Lady Peace guy), who was complimentary. It's too bad David couldn't get Chantal Kreviazuk, Raine's wife, to talk to Brooke before she got booted. One more "Why are you so awesome?" question for Simon and we're done.
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Now that that's finished, let us all bask in the slender glow of Adam Levine and Maroon 5. Who knew when they performed last season that that song would be with me all summer. I'd like to dismiss the possibility of that happening again, but I know myself too well to do that again. After they're done (they do a fine job), Adam stays to chat with Ryan, who asks him to talk to the Idols and give them some advice. Adam manages to out-anal Ryan by asking for a hand-held mic so people can actually hear what he's saying, then goofs around adorably about going on tour to exotic places like Europe and San Antonio. He then tells the Top 4 that the music business is about work, work, and more work. "And then you're gonna get jaded and you're gonna say 'God, I hate this!' but you really love it, so just try to remember that." I always thought Adam Levine was a beautiful dickhead, but now I think I really like him. Look at you, with your pinstriped suit, being all affable and wise!
Back from the break, is it time yet? ...No, of course not. We have a second musical guest tonight, and it's none other than Bo goddamn Bice. I don't have the energy, dude. I will say that it's refreshing that he hasn't changed anything about his image, the hair, or anything. I appreciate that -- a made-over Bo would only make me hate him more. So once he's done, he gets to talk to Ryan, too. He's asked about this season's new rule about instruments during performances, which I'm sure was a big honkin' "controversy" back in his season when he was kept in chains, unable to jam out on Skynyrd to his fullest ability. He's kind of a dick when he talks about certain Idols relying on their instruments too much, and then he and Ryan get their signals crossed while trying to make a joke about Bo and David A. being lookalikes or something. Guess what? It's stupid.
Oh dude, Ace Young is playing a murder victim on Bones. That is absolutely a step up for him.
After the break, we are finally ready to get rid of someone. Jason and Syesha are at center stage. While Ryan's reading Jason's stats, particularly the part about him flubbing the "Mr. Tambourine Man" lyrics, Jason interrupts with the following: "Somebody told me that I shot the Tambourine Man. Heh heh." Jason Castro, I am going to miss the hell out of you. When Ryan asks him what went wrong, Jason talks about how hard it's been to remember two songs instead of one. Yeah, two's tough. Stick to those one-song gigs, man. That said, his whole "Oh man, I don't know what I'm doing here" vibe is totally charming to me. It's like they let a Chris Farley character onto the show. For her part, Syesha once again explains why she cried yesterday (because this show is obsessed with nothing so much as tears), and this time she manages to compare her Idol journey to being the first black and/or woman President. Syesha Mercado, you guys. Making history. Anyway, Jason's totally going home, and Syesha's safely in the Top 3.
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Jason warmly hugs Syesha, laughs his ass off, and is happy as hell. His Ruben-serenaded Idol Journey tells the story of a kid who tried out for a show because he thought it'd be fun and weird, and he spent the whole season goofing around and giving dopey interviews and sometimes singing and shoving his beautiful face right up into the cameras. It's weird to be reminded of when the judges loved him, because that seems so long ago. Of course, me being a soft touch sometimes, on the whole I liked him. In a better season (speaking of which: Season 6 is looking pretty good from here, eh, haters?), he'd have been an afterthought, but this year he was one of my few favorites. Ryan mentions that Jason looks almost relieved, because Ryan has both eyes and wireless internet. Jason jokes that with three songs week, he doesn't know what he would've done. Heh. His singout gets cut short, but I will say I was less put off by it this time, probably because now he's just a kid singing Marley like everybody else in this country. See ya in the subway station, man.
Watch a video recap of last night's episode from TV Junkies
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