By Joe R
You just couldn't do it, could you, America? You couldn't simply let the aging, grumpy British man have his way just this once, could you? Whatever, it's still the best Top 2 they've ever had on this show. But I'm getting ahead of myself: as expected, we see more of the hometown visits, which are as boring and useless and filled with local TV anchors and politicians as ever. Jordin hams it up like crazy in Glendale, visits no less than six dozen schools, cries a bunch, and hugs her best friend like she's her...best friend. I keep hearing how Jordin's supposed to be this awful, spoiled, untalented blight on the show this year, so I'm prepared to hate her, until I remember that that's all the lunatic ravings of Yaminions (we'll get to him later) and she's actually adorable and great. Ryan tries to pretend that he's going to tell us whether Jordin's safe or not, at the 20-minute mark, with Blake and Melinda back on the couches. Like we've never seen this or any TV show before, ever. And then after he "fakes" us out, he does the same thing with Blake, and then Melinda later on. Lame, Ryan.
Blake is Chatty Cathy tonight, even moreso than usual, because somehow he's lost sight of the fact that he really, really does not want to win this show. Think about it for three seconds, Blake, then tell me you wouldn't trade places with LaKisha right now. Anyway, Seattle loves Blake, Blake flies an airplane, he and his dad bawl for a few hours, girls scream, and then he sings an ill-advised National Anthem at a Mariners game. Then: Elliott shows up. Actually, Elliott's veneers show up, and Elliott follows about five minutes later, looking like he's fresh off the set of Frodo And Sam Meet The Wolfman. Hope you'd already put the kids to bed by that point. Anyway, he sings a terrible song that lasts a million years, and then he dares the Top 3 to stare into the face of what they might become by this point year.
Melinda returns to Nashville and insists on thanking each and every resident for their support. The mythmaking becomes a runaway train somewhere between church and the "Melinda Doolittle Way," but whatever, I want to spend a Melinda Doolittle Day hanging out with her. Then Maroon 5 shows up and it gives Adam Levine a chance to try out his new coat rack impersonation. Ryan Seacrest might not eat again for a month. Then: the world gets a little bit sadder. Jordin is safe, so it's down to Melinda and Blake. Melinda is...going home. Shoot! I mean, like I said, still the best Final 2 ever, and Melinda will do just fine, and your world really shouldn't be crashing down around you at the news that, after six seasons, the best singer doesn't always win. But I was so hoping to be able to see her win. She is utterly unflappable at the news, which comes as no surprise, and her singout redeems all that was subpar about "I'm A Woman" last night. See you on the tour, girl.
Ryan Seacrest has really let himself go between Tuesday and Wednesday night. He's all doughy and his hairline looks to be receding, and he either got a bad batch of Mystic Tan or else he's jaundiced, because...oh wait, I'm sorry, that's Homer Simpson. Man, The Simpsons have cranked up the intra-network cross-promotional stuff this month, haven't they? Anyway. Homer's doing the pre-credits patter that Ryan always does, and his summation is that "Some people were mad, others were happy, Simon was scary, Paula was nice, and Randy forgot to button his shirt." Actually, Paula was scary, Randy was nice, and Simon forgot to button his shirt, but that's really not the point. "This is...um...oh, American Idol!" he says, then asks if it's too late to vote for Fantasia. Har, har. After the credits, Ryan comes out and gets all humorously territorial about how it goes, "This...is A-MER-ican Idol!" but you know deep down inside he's honestly bothered by this. That intro is his and his alone! He introduces the Top 3, and it looks like Jordin is pointing out someone in the audience to Melinda, and they both wave at whoever it is. I'm assuming it's LaKisha or Brandon or any of the other dozen eliminated contestants who have shown up tonight. By the by, Melinda's shirt reads "Death Cheater." Oh, girl.
Ryan wonders how things will shape up for week, and as usual, he does it in the most reductive way possible: gender politics. "Will it be Blake versus one of the girls?" Or will it be an eye-scratching, hair-pulling, beer-in-the-weave catfight between Melinda and Jordin? Also, Ryan tells us that Elliott is here. AAAAHHHHH! On wait, he's not here here. But he will be. I am understandably freaked out. I only just recently stopped receiving daily letter bombs by angry Yaminions. I'm none too jazzed about that starting up again. Also, Maroon 5 is here. As well as Brandon Rogers. Hi, Brandon! If I'd have picked Haley instead of you in my pool like I almost did, I'd be winning it right now. ["You still might. You just need that save from you-know-who." -- Miss Alli] No, no, don't apologize. We also have judges, but we don't want to talk to them right now. We want to recap last night. There isn't a whole lot of editorializing beyond what went on last night. Melinda took Round 1. Ryan did his adorable Randy Jackson impersonation. Blake was great, Jordin was great, Melinda was great. Simon pussed out and called Round 2 a tie. Melinda disembarks the stage and is like, "One more song? Seriously?" Simon says he wants to award Melinda a place in the finals. Blake was having a lot of fun up there. Jordin gave her best performance of the night. Randy says two girls should make the final. And Simon wants his girl Melinder in the finals. Me too, dude.
Commercials (we needed a break after the breakneck pace we were keeping there) and then the same ad for the tour we saw last week. And in keeping with everyone else who has recapped this season, I totally want to go. ["Um...me too. GO BLAKE!" -- Miss Alli] Don't judge me. Ryan's now sitting on the couch with the Top 3, and it's time to talk to Jordin. Her nervousness is piled on top of her usual chattiness tonight, so it's gonna be all talking, all the time. She starts just repeating everything Ryan says, so he's like, "You guys went home on Thursday of last week," (Jordin: "Thursday"). "So you get there, Friday you work all day," (Jordin: "All day"). She's like Puff Daddy to Ryan's Biggie. She then gets to explain her whole trip home -- the usual TV and radio gigs, plus mall and school appearances -- and then they came home on Saturday. At which point they had to learn three songs for Tuesday and shoot the pimpmercial. Yikes, that does seem like a lot to do in not very much time. Luckily, it keeps them from going on the internet and reading about themselves.
is the video package of what Jordin just told us about: her trip home. Honestly, there is nothing that goes on during any of these trips home that is any different from any other trip home someone on this show has taken, so you're just getting the highlights. It's Jordin Sparks Day in Glendale, of course, and cheerleaders and marching bands meet her at a high school (her high school? I'm not sure since it seems she visits more than one). She seems honestly overwhelmed by the crowds and the exuberance and the screaming. She gets to smile and take pics with her family at the FOX station. Then another high school (see?) where she gets choked up while speaking to the students. She's got the Melinda-style hunched shoulders throughout this entire package, like she wants to make herself smaller, which I think is interesting because we don't see this side of her on the Idol stage. I wonder of this is a back-at-school self-conscious thing? She's still very exuberant and bubbly, but there's a deflector shield up that isn't usually there. And not to get all "And another thing!" about the Jordin haters, because everybody's allowed to dislike who they want to, Lord knows, but this idea that's coalesced that Jordin has become some Mixed-Race Barbie, a pageant princess who's going to win this show on her looks and show-sponsored pimping...okay, for one thing, no one who stomps around that awkwardly in heels deserves to be called "pageanty," okay? Also? The girl is eight feet tall with a big ass. I see no reason why she should be punished for the fact that she's learned to work it and be ridiculously beautiful on her own terms. Watching Jordin try to shrink a little while walking the halls of her old school shows me she's accomplished something to be as confident in her own skin as she's been on this show. I'd rather celebrate that than spit on it. Aaaaanyway...
Okay, now she's in another school -- this one's an elementary school, and yet weirdly this is where she finds her best friend, and they hug intensely and for a long time. It's incredibly sweet. Jordin's bawling at this point. , there's a parade down one of Glendale's scenic promenades. Someone holds up a sign that says "Jordin Sparkles." Shout-out? Then the mayor of Glendale proclaims it Jordin Sparks Day in Jordin Sparks Square at the center of Jordin Sparks Township or whatever, before Jordin sings "I, Who Have Nothing" for the crowd. That's not really an outdoor concert kind of a song, I don't think. How can you be that sad when the sun is shining? Cut to Jordin, snorfling in the limo. Okay, fine, I'll grant you that one. "I couldn't ask for any more," she says as she heads for the airport. Man, what a jerk.
Back on stage, Ryan calls for the lights to dim and actually asks for the "suspense music." You tiny, silly man. He then reads off the judges' critiques, like he usually does right before he tells you whether you're safe or no. Ryan, we're totally not falling for this. Melinda and Blake are way the hell over there on the couches. It's only quarter past the hour. We know how television works. So, of course, he reads the judges' comments -- pausing to chide Simon for being so negative -- and then tells Jordin she'll know whether she's safe or not in a little bit. Jordin's gracious enough to act surprised by this, which is more than that little stunt deserves, and then the camera gets very closely acquainted with Ryan's stubble before we kick it to commercial.
When we come back, Haley's here! Also LaKisha and Brandon! It's too bad Haley couldn't have stuck around longer to run pretty-girl interference for Jordin, but we can't have everything. And where, pray tell, is Chris Richardson on his boyfriend's day of need? I mean, besides wallowing in a vat of groupies. Ryan introduces the winners of last week's Stupid Idol Challenge For Morons. This week's question asks whether Elliott, Katharine, or Taylor was not in the Top 2 last year. And...okay, little snaps for sticking it to Elliott on the night he comes back. Hee. And Ryan still calls Katharine "Kat," which is adorable.
Now Ryan's on the couch with Blake. Not like that. Yet. For the millionth time this season, Ryan starts singing something so Blake can start beatboxing for him. It's like one of those behavior/reward experiments with hamsters, where Ryan gets the attention he wants once and so he keeps on repeating the pattern. Ryan asks if hanging out with Sir-Mix-A-Lot was a "lifelong dream" for Blake. Blake's like, "Um...yeah, we'd worked together before in Seattle." I love that this season has turned into "the search for the great American superstar...who already kind of has mad connections." Not that I'm complaining -- I'd rather hear Elton John's pool boy sing if he's any good. Which...he probably isn't, given that he's Elton John's pool boy and he probably doesn't even speak in complete sentences, much less sing, but you get my gist. Ryan's all, "So I heard you like big butts?" Blake: "I cannot lie." Served, set up, and spiked. Blake says it was good spending some down home time with "Mama and Papa." Ryan's like, "Your dad's a bit of a basket case, is he not?" Not in so many words, but you understand. To the videotape!
It should be noted right away that Blake does not shut up for one second during this whole sequence. He's chattier than Jordin, even. He's like a six-year-old on the plane, all "Oooh! The engines are roaring! We're about to take off! I think I can see my house! Do you think it'll be raining when we get there? Can I get a diet soda? I hope I get to see my mom and dad! Does this one chunky highlight look okay? I wonder if Chris was able to make the trip! You think Mom'll like him? Can I switch seats with you? Is this shirt too tight? I think I felt the landing gear get retracted! Do we get a movie on this flight? I think I brought some Sour Patch Kids in my bag. Should I sing that Maroon 5 song when we get there? Wow, we're going really high up! Does this seat lean back?" And so forth. Jimi wails on the soundtrack ("All Along the Watchtower." Shout-out?) as Blake continues to spazz. Parade. Radio station. Space Needle. Somebody on the boards thought it was weird that Blake would be all "Cool! I've never seen Seattle like this!" from the Space Needle, and yes, it could be that they let him observe from the super-duper-tippy-top because he's famous now, but also, speaking as someone who lives a stone's throw away from Niagara Falls and has never been on the Maid of the Mist, I can't cast aspersions if you're not as familiar with your hometown landmarks as one might expect. Concert. Crowds. That special needs kid from the Seattle auditions is there. The one who was friends with the Bush Baby. God, does that seem like a billion years ago or what? Blake holds up a sign that reads, "Seattle rocks! Simon was wrong!" You know, I never even thought of that: not only are both finalists (Yeah, yeah, "SPOILER" -- we all know what happens) from the same audition city, but it was the audition city that all the judges unanimously pegged as far and away the worst.
Blake then takes a seaplane to Bothell as (his version of?) "Somewhere Only We Know" plays in the background. Blake keeps rambling random things and grabbing the camera lens. Such a cute nervous fidgety boy. A big, wasteful limo drives Blake up to his parents' house. Everybody cries. Tears! Blake's dad is an eternally blubbering mess, God bless 'im. He's wearing his big flowery touristy shirt, so we know that's how he dresses all the time. He snorfles about how he lost his parents when he was young, so he never got to show his parents anything about himself like Blake's doing for them now. Aw. Blake gives him a kiss and a hug and is all, "I love you, Daddy." Aw. Crowds. Cheerleaders. Screaming girls everywhere. "Isn't this weird?" Blake asks his dad. "It's so weird!" Speaking of weird, now I think it's the Keane version of "Somewhere Only We Know" that's playing, even as we hear Blake perform it in Bothell. So it's Blake singing on top of Keane. Bizarre. Then it's on to a Mariners game, where Blake's singing the national anthem. We only get to hear the last couple lines, but he sounds...not good. It's an exceedingly hard song to sing, so I'm not holding it against him, but it's not a good choice, and I think we only hear a very little bit of it for a reason. Anyway: "Best day ever!" says Blake. Just don't mention Best Week Ever to him, because they kind of handed him his ass this week.
Back on stage, Blake and his dad are standing with Ryan. Ryan has a nervous smile on his face, the kind he gets when the show is running long or Simon's girlfriend is in the audience, and he's like, "Okay, Blake's dad, have a seat." Blake's dad gives Blake a hug, and lingers for a second or two, but all things considered, he makes it off the stage rather quickly, no thanks to Ryan being all, "Seriously, it's [Blake's] moment. We need you to take your seat." Who the fuck scripted that mean-spirited little skit? Put Blake's dad up there just so Ryan can be shitty to him and make him look like a clingy jerk? Hilarious! Then Ryan tries to fake us out by reading the judges' comments for Blake, like, WE'RE REALLY, SERIOUSLY NOT FOOLED. Blake...will find out the results later on. WE KNOW.
Ryan says, "We're gonna bring out a guy I don't recognize anymore." Fuckin' tell me about it, dude. He made it to Top 3 last year and his CD is titled Elliott Yamin. Any takers? "It's getting great reviews," says Ryan. "So is his hair. Here's Elliott Yamin!" And I'm not sure if I have the patience to put up with another -- AAAAHHHH! What the hell IS that??? Oh, it's Elliott. Accompanied by the Porcelain Veneers of Fear and Sadness, the Scraggly Beard that Itched Pittsburgh, and the Jewfro of Extreme Humidity. Seriously, I didn't think Hobbits could grow facial hair. I'm sorry to harp, but I feel I have to convey just how scary this is right now. Did he hire Pan as his stylist? Did he get cast in a Blaxploitation movie about werewolves? I kind of need to know how things got this far. I'd stop talking about this and start talking about the song if the song weren't so long and boring. On and on and on. When he's done, Ryan gingerly approaches him, wary of taking him up on his bargain to turn straw into gold in exchange for his firstborn child, unless Ryan can guess his name. Paula's up and applauding and probably crying, not that I blame her at all this time. Ryan takes him to the judges, like he's about to get critiqued. Elliott gets all fake-scared, like "No judges! No judges!" Randy's all "That was hot!" and Paula's all "I'm speechless with pride!" and then Simon quickly bails out of a half-hearted fakeout and just says he was great. Elliott then congratulates the Top 3 on getting where they are, and if you could see the looks on the three of them. Melinda and Jordin have smiles frozen on their faces, like they're afraid to move, while Blake's brow is furrowed, like he's not sure exactly where he's seen this guy before, but it might have been in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. Elliott keeps rambling about great things to come, they should be proud, ramble-ramble. Ryan's like, "And the CD's in stores?" Elliott says the CD has been in stores since March 20th. D'oh! Elliott just keeps talking, though, about the support of the show and the fans and how this was a great experience, and thanks to the judges and producers and lighting guys and hair and makeup people. Ryan finally gets him to shut up by asking of he'd like to thank the sponsors while he's at it. Elliott's like, "Sure, thanks to Coke, Ford, Porsche! I'd love a Porsche!" Ryan, ever the company man, has a mini-Chernobyl about how the sponsor's competitor just got name-checked on live TV, but he recovers in time to kick it to commercial with this teaser: "Melinda goes home, !" Oh, that one burns in retrospect.
The pimpmercial is to the tune of "Everybody Wants You." Billy Squier? Stay cool, American Idol. Child versions of the Idols -- played by actual children, thank God -- dance around until they're replaced by the adult versions, who then show up at some event or other with paparazzi. That was stupid. I want crackheadedness from these pimpmercials; mere lameness just won't do. Even the Idols on the couches aren't laughing at how stupid they look like they usually do.
Then: Melinda! She jokes with Ryan that the best part of going home for her was the sweet tea. Oh, how very Bucky-slash-Pickler of her. Sorry, hon, the time to remind the voters that you're the only remaining contestant from the South was last night. I suppose that's the one positive thing I can take from Melinda's ouster: we'll have our first Yankee winner. (And that's gonna be the only thing a Yankee will be winning this year, I am sad to report.) Melinda and Ryan talk about how cool it is to see how far-reaching their popularity has become, especially considering the "bubble" they're in while on the show. Ryan laments to Simon that people used to get that excited about them once. Like they're Gloria Swanson and Bette Davis in the gay little movie that plays in his brain all day. Simon, hilariously if not surprisingly, is not paying attention in the slightest. On to the video.
Limo ride. Local TV. Mall. Hand-made signs. A cute drawing of Li'l Melinda in her afro puffs. The vacuous local TV talking head prattles on about how the best thing about Melinda is her character. Yawn. Crying fans. One girl who looks like Everwood Hannah chokes back tears as she tells us about how Melinda helped her through "a lot of tough times." Yeah, that stretch between Christmas vacation and summer can be a real bitch, kid. Melinda repeats, ad nauseam, that all she wants to be able to do is thank her fans. Over and over again, and at high volume. Governor's mansion. "Melinda Doolittle Day." Melinda makes cute camera talk about how since it's Melinda Doolittle Day, we're doing what she wants to do. So I guess her heart was really set on driving through a throng of Doolittle supporters with their red signs. Two little kids step up and give her a hug, and I notice that Melinda fans are a lot less screamy than Blake and Jordin fans, which is both easy on the ears but also indicative of what's to come. But first, some suit announces that Melinda has gotten a street named after her, "in honor of the way you live your life." And the street is called "Melinda Doolittle Way." Ick. You guys, I am so glad the show didn't hit the gas on this "Melinda is a better person than you or I" thing until right at the end here. I know it's not her fault, but it would have made me like her less. She performs "Since You've Been Gone," and once again, boring ol' Melinda does more to connect with the crowd than either of the other two. Sigh.
The song changes to Melinda's version of "Home" (I have really fallen in love with that one in the past few weeks) as the setting changes to Melinda's church. They all really love her there, and she loves them right back. Cheering. Hugging. Crying. Melinda says the trip home gave her a little strength and a desire to "come through for Nashville." Back on stage, Ryan is a big old faker and we are still very much not buying it. Commercials.
When we return, Ryan voices-over a promo for The Great American Band which will air fall. On Friday nights. Savvy programming there, FOX. Then Ryan introduces Maroon 5, who are our randomly chosen popular music act of the week. This was no doubt part of the all-out PR blitz for the band this week, as they have been everywhere. The song's stuck in my head as we speak, so I suppose it's mission accomplished on that front. Why does Adam Levine always look so grim? Is it because he hasn't eaten anything since December? Seriously, that is one skinny man. He's cute for a manorexic, but still. Oh, and they sound like shit, but if you saw them on SNL, you know it could have been MUCH worse. The camera moves left so we can see the Idols dancing in the background: Melinda has no earthly idea who these guys are, but Jordin's singing her the words. Blake's all sort of into it, but he totally doesn't know the words. Does being a poseur about liking Maroon 5 make you even lamer or does it prove your essential coolness? Just wondering. Man, tanning has done wonders for Adam Levine, I must say. Sorry, sorry. I keep getting distracted. He and Ryan would make a really gorgeous couple. Yum. Where was I?
After the final commercial break, Ryan welcomes us to the "moment of truth." God, even now my stomach is all jumbly, and this was a week ago and I already know what happens. The Top 3 are lined up according to height: Jordin, then Blake, then Melinda. (Then Ryan.) Jordin gets called front and center, and Blake gives her a kiss on the hand as she goes. After "almost 60 million votes," Jordin is safe. Melinda immediately gets a huge smile on her face even before Ryan's done, and she and Blake whoop it up for Jordin. They all hug for a long moment, and I just keep on loving them. Much as the distrust and resentments and jockeying for position that have permeated seasons has been fun to talk about, there's a very basic part of me that loves it when people I like get along. Stupid Ryan of course stomps all over my good feelings as he asks whether the finale will be girl-girl or guy-girl. Again. I have no time for your hangups about gender, Seacrest. Blake, trying his best (though ultimately in vain) to win my support at the very last second, goes, "...girl versus machine! Machine versus guy!" Ha! Oh, Blake. Almost. Still rooting for your ass to be sent home. Ryan calls Melinda to the front of the stage. After 60 million votes and countless flawless vocals, Melinda Doolittle's run is over. The audience is divided in half between shocked gasps and squealing Blake fans. Simon's got his hands over his face, either in disbelief or to hide a smile at just how much this show resists rewarding the best singer in the field. Jordin's freaked. Melinda's family is crestfallen. Even Blake's mom is like, "Huh?" Blake's eye makeup takes a moment to console Melinda...who doesn't really need any consoling. She's fine! Poor Jordin is all alone on the couch with no one to hug. Finally, Blake saunters over, takes both of her hands, and gives her a kiss on the cheek. Like he's her prom date. So cute!
Melinda's Idol Journey begins with that Audition in Memphis, where her shoulders seemed surgically attached to her earlobes and Simon had to tell her she was a great singer like this was news. She reminds us that the six-foot journey between the backup mics and the front of the stage is a scary one. Boy, did she ever make it, though. My only gripe with the video is the same as with all of them -- less hugging of Diana Ross and Gwen Stefani, please. Especially when the finalists were this tight a group, I'd have loved to have seen more footage of them goofing around at pimpmercial shoots and such. Melinda cries. Paula cries. I cry. You cry. ["Or you start figuring your pool odds." -- Miss Alli] Like I said before, I'm not sad because it's unjust. Jordin and Blake are as good a Final 2 as I can recall. And the best singer almost never wins, I can't exactly call foul on those grounds. I just really wanted to see Melinda win. I wanted to see her have that moment. They're all going to have careers and make albums and have relatively equal chances at lasting success. Right now is just about who I get to see end this season as the winner, and I very, very much wanted Melinda to be that person. Ah, well. Melinda isn't too shaken up by this; why should we be?
Ryan sincerely congratulates Melinda on all she's accomplished before turning to this year's Final 2: Blake and Jordin. Melinda claps it up for them -- right now, she's their biggest fan. Jordin's in tears over on the couch, and we see someone has given her flowers. I know, I know: glory hog. How dare she hold the flowers that a producer handed to her? Man, did Blake put on eyeliner during the last commercial break? Why am I just noticing this now? Ryan asks the judges for their reactions. Randy steals Simon's line about how Melinda was the most consistent all season. Paula -- who is standing and wearing Stevie Nicks's wardrobe from the "Gypsy" video -- actually makes the most sense. She says Melinda has already made it, and now it's time to start on her career. Word. Simon offers his congratulations to Blake and Jordin and his commiserations to Melinda, because she was his favorite. He doesn't say so, but she was.
Melinda takes the mic to sing out with "I'm A Woman." And remember how this wasn't working for her last night? I don't, because this performance wiped it clean from my brain. Perfection. She struts over toward the couches, where Blake is waiting on one knee to hand her his bouquet of flowers. Aw. Of course, Jordin caught a ration of shit for a) not giving up her own bouquet of flowers, b) remaining on the stage for a few seconds longer while Blake slinked back to go gossip with Ryan, and c) continuing to draw breath. How dare she! Melinda struts back to the backup singers and hands them the flowers, showing Jordin to be even more selfish!. Whatever, the credits are rolling. Melinda's out and so am I. Jacob's got you all to himself week, so I'll be signing off until season. Thanks for reading! See you at the tour! I'll be the one not wearing a Sanjaya wig.