Tuesday. The audience shrieks out a countdown as Ryan "Fanny Be Tender With My Love" Seacrest and the four finalists greet us from the Seal of Tsathoggua. Why they count us down to the opening credits when there's going to be at least three minutes of filler is beyond me.
Credits. Ryan heads back out onto the Seal in another homeless outfit, this time wearing a t-shirt with a peace symbol with the word "out" written on it. It's a good thing the war's over, or he'd be so very fired right now. I used to have a suit jacket that looks just like Ryan's. I got it about fifteen years ago. At Goodwill. For $15. I bet he paid $500 for his. Ryan reminds us that Trenyce was ejected last week, and Ruben landed in the bottom two. Of course, Ruben's brush with elimination gets the louder response from the audience. There's Rickey and what's-his-face…Charles…sitting in the audience. Poor kid. He was the very first person to make it to the finals this season, and he's been utterly ignored since then.
Ryan introduces the final four back onstage. Then he introduces Simon "Throw A Penny" Cowell, Paula "Night Fever" Abdul, and Randy "Jumbo" Jackson. Ryan introduces Simon with some remarkably nonsensical and stupid comment about Simon having an STD or something, prompting Simon to look at him in complete confusion.
Tonight's theme is songs from the Bee Gees. Isn't that great? Don't Bee Gees songs fit perfectly within the vocal ranges of our remaining finalists? What's that? They don't? Oops. Oh well. But of course, everybody knows they pick the songs based on whom they can get to participate on the show, and Robin Gibb is willing, so the kids can all just suck on it. So Robin Gibb is the guest judge, and he heads out onstage. The man's so skinny, he makes Ryan look like Randy. He's wearing tinted glasses. They aren't rose-colored, despite what his comments during the show may indicate. Ryan asks Robin what his proudest moment was. His proudest moment was "songwriting." Really. And his favorite color is "Italian," and his favorite song is "Robin's Egg Blue." In the clip show, we learn that the Bee Gees have written a gazillion songs and sold millions of records. They were popular in England and Australia before they hit it big in the U.S. And most importantly, they're the ones to blame for John Travolta. Ewwwww! And they've written for Barbra Streisand. And other people. And Maurice died earlier this year. Awww. But the Bee Gees will live on forever. Yay! Unless, of course, you can't stand the vast majority of their songs, like me.
Back onstage, Robin sits between Paula and Randy. Ryan tells us that, once again, the kids will be singing twice. And unlike last week, they'll be singing Bee Gees songs for both numbers. First up is Joshua "Tragedy" Gracin with "Jive Talkin.'" Josh heads out to the seal in his black outfit. And he's wearing a necklace that appears to have about a dozen of Paula's medallions on them. I think he took the ones Paula gave to the other finalists. After he killed them. Now you know why we're not seeing certain rejected contestants anymore. Not three words into the song and he's already grimacing, hunched over, and inexplicably gesturing us all closer. And he's both fake twanging and off-key at the same time. Then he jumps off the stage and works his way through the audience, giving folks high-fives. And since he can barely sing on pitch when he's standing still, just imagine what he sounds like while he's running around the audience. And then there's the part where he runs up to the camera and makes scary, angry faces into it. It looks like nothing so much as the close-up on Jack Nicholson's face when he busted through the door in The Shining. You jive-talked me! You're telling me lies! Now I'm going to have to kill you! Redrum! Redrum! He makes a bunch of lecture-y hand gestures and finally duck-walks his way back onstage to limp through to the end of the song. Awful, embarrassing performance. It really does come off like frat night at the karaoke bar.
Judges. Randy says he liked it, and thinks that Josh "might be back" tonight. Did he actually listen? Or did he just see the scary faces and think, "He's probably got access to weapons. If he killed me, I wouldn't be able to eat anymore. I'll just be complimentary"? Robin blathers that he likes the "country" feel that Josh added to the song. Paula babbles that Josh's "warmth" came through in the song. Even if that were true, it would inappropriate for the song anyway. But it's not true, so it doesn't matter, so shut up, Paula. Simon says he was good, but a bit manic, and shouted part of the songs. Tellingly, the audience doesn't boo. Josh heads over to Ryan, who gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan stands in the crowd and reminds us all that Robin Gibb is here. Ryan flirts with the guy standing behind him and then introduces Clay "Too Much Heaven" Aiken out to the Seal to sing "To Love Somebody." Clay heads out to the stage in a black suit with a shiny blue tie, looking like a gallery owner from the early '90s. So, you all know that this song is essentially a collection of glory notes all strung together with some occasional lyrics, right? It's typical Clay. It's good, but overdone in so many ways. Carmen really needs to listen to this song to hear how a good vibrato sounds. And of course, there's that one really long glory note that doesn't really stretch his vocal abilities at all, but the audience loves it anyway. He does have that one lazy eye thing, which bugs, and there's that slight head tilt, which bugs even more, but at least there isn't a lot of eye fluttering.
Judges. Randy loved it and gives Clay his props. Robin says Clay has a fantastic voice. Paula says the last two weeks have been her "favorite Clay moments," because he found a "safe place in [his] vulnerability." A round of applause for Paula for elevating contradiction to a new and incomprehensible level. A "moment" that is spread out over two weeks? A "safe place" in vulnerability? Well done, Paula. Well done. Simon says that this was the best performance he's heard in the three seasons (including U.K.'s Pop Idol) he's judged. Clay heads over to Ryan, who points out all the signs begging Clay to marry the holders, before giving the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Then, for some unknown reason, Ryan pissily reminds Simon that the name of the show is American Idol, not Pop Idol, probably because Ruben has been anointed the winner, and Ruben don't sing no pop. Simon pissily responds that the show was originally called Pop Idol before it was adapted for the colonies, and then rags on Ryan by saying that the original hosts were much better. Ryan mugs for the camera, because he's thoroughly unable to improvise anything unless it has something to do with sex.
up is Kimberley "Don't Throw It All Away" Locke, singing "I Just Want To Be Your Everything." Kimberley heads out on the stage in a tasteful but unremarkable black pantsuit. This is one of Kim's "meh" numbers. I don't know what it is. Maybe it has something to do with whether she likes the song or not? Sometimes she really works a song, but sometimes she just goes through the motions. This is one of the "going through the motions" times. She's noticeably off-pitch, especially when the back-up singers break in. Of course, the back-up singers aren't very good to begin with, but she just sounds even worse every time they pipe up. She ends pretty well, but overall, it's one of her more forgettable performances.
Judges. Randy says it was great. Robin says it was wonderful. Paula says that Kim's a classy, glowing girl. Simon says he thought it was "sweet and ordinary." The audience boos. Simon tells him they can boo all they want -- he doesn't care. That's my motto, too. Actually, I usually just roll my eyes and mutter, "Whatever," whenever I get emoticon-laden emails calling me misspelled names for not liking Josh or Clay or whomever. Kim heads over to Ryan, who asks her about Simon's comments. She responds that sometimes "sweet and ordinary can be good." Yes, it is the driving concept behind pop music. When it's not "blatantly sexual and ordinary." Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. Miss Dog Beauty Pageant. When did FOX turn into the jokes that the writers make about FOX on The Simpsons?
Also, at this point, I accidentally deleted my whole recap and saved over it. But fortunately, as I was instant-messaging Sars in horror, I discovered that I could still undo it. Thank god. I hate the fact that Control-A, Control-S, and Control-X are all right to each other on the keyboard.
When we return, Ryan is harassing some poor little boy in the audience about some stupid inflatable "spirit sticks" that somebody made to show support for Ruben "Mr. Natural" Studdard. The little boy is banging the sticks together. I've never seen these things before, which probably indicates how long it's been since I've attended any public athletic event. Whatever happened to waving little towels? Amusingly, when Ryan asks the little boy if he wants to see Ruben, the little boy shakes his head no. He just likes banging things together. Little boys are just that way. Ryan introduces Ruben to the stage to sing "Nights On Broadway." Ruben heads out on stage in an unremarkable gray shirt and matching pants. I have to give Ruben credit for changing up his style. This is an up-tempo song, and he doesn't try to Lutherize it. However, his voice just isn't as good this time. He sounds a bit hoarse, and his held notes are a bit off. The zombie shuffle is in effect, but he snaps instead of reaching out for his baby. Overall, I liked the intent, but the song was a little meh.
Not that the judges would notice, ever. Randy is proud of Ruben, and he represented and did his thing. Robin loved it. Paula says that Ruben rocked and made her feel so good. Simon says that if Ruben weren't in the competition, it just wouldn't be the same. Well, that's the kind of comment that could be taken in any direction. The same thing could be said about Carmen or Josh. It's not necessarily a compliment. But Simon meant it as one, so fine. Ruben heads over to Ryan, who marvels over the spirit sticks some more before giving the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for the second round. But first, Ryan tells everybody in the audience that they all get a free copy of the latest CD of "love songs" the kids from this season were ordered to record. Everybody in the audience just stands there because, really, if they went through the effort to come out to see the show live, they've probably already got copies.
Time for round two. Ryan introduces Josh out to the Seal to sing "To Love Somebody." Yes, that's the song Clay just sang fifteen minutes ago. The Bee Gees have tons of songs. I don't know why they both picked the same song. Perhaps Josh was trying to get himself ejected? Anyway, Josh heads out to the seal in a new brown outfit. Way to stretch yourself, dude. Anyway, this is the country twang version of the song. It's also the pointing, lecturing, slouching, constipated-face version. Josh's singing is much better than it was in "Jive Talkin'," but he's no less creepy. They do the part of the chorus where the music drops out, except for the drums, and the audience claps along while the stage lights flash on and off, like they're trying to send messages to the UFOs in Close Encounters Of The Third Kind. Overall, it's dull, which for Josh is an improvement over awful.
Judges. Randy says it's the best he's heard from Josh. Robin says it was a great version of the song. Paula again thinks that Josh is warm and approachable. Well, of course, he never threatened to physically attack her, so fine. Simon also thinks he did a great job. Josh heads over to Ryan, who brings up Josh's comments to Simon from last week so that Josh can tell us all that he does respect Simon and had no intention of actually kicking his ass or anything. Because he'd lose anyway. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes again.
up, Ryan makes Josh read the intro for Clay, which he stumbles through poorly. Clay is singing "Grease." No, really. He is. Clay heads out to the stage in a cheesy red leather jacket, white t-shirt, and jeans. He's all set for his centerfold spread in Non-Threatening Boys Magazine. He manages to outdo R.J. Helton's rendition of "Superstition" last season in "failed attempts at sexually charged performances." Oh god, he's wearing red shoes to match the jacket! AIIEEEEE. The singing is cheesy, of course. Well, it's a cheesy song, so that's fine. And, you know, having a little fun is fine, but that's what the results show is for. But this is a cheesy song with rather unchallenging vocals that really doesn't highlight Clay's skills as a performer at all. And that little hip swivel didn't do anything for me. Hell, I've seen men make sexier motions just casually walking across the room. He tries to pull a glory note out of the song and fails. Overall, cheese. Ham and cheese.
The audience and judges agree. Randy declares it "another brilliant, brave performance." Robin says it was probably the best version of that song he's heard. Paula takes a moment to kiss the guest judge's ass, as usual, and then declares that Ruben makes her feel "warm and fuzzy." Just like a song called "How Do You Mend A Broken Heart?" is supposed to make you feel. She turns to tell Simon that he doesn't make her feel warm and fuzzy, prompting Simon to fourteen-year-old back, "That's not what you were telling me last night." Simon says that Ruben proves that he has consistency with two wonderful performances. Well, I think we've all picked up on the consistency. That's actually become a source of criticism. Ruben heads over to Ryan, who points out that Ruben doesn't say much when the judges are talking. What's he thinking? "Cheese dip," Ruben responds. Actually, he non-answers that his mother taught him to listen to when people were talking to him. You know, you can think and listen at the same time. Well, I can, anyway. I'm not so sure about Ruben. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Then Ryan brings up the premiere of American Juniors, and Ruben and a stage manager (apparently) laugh, because the show is going to bomb and nobody gives a fuck. Of course, I said that about the first season of American Idol. And the second season of American Idol. And the second season of The Bachelor. So clearly, I need to just shut up with the predictions.
Commercials. We return to the [product-placed cola] non-terviews. How does everybody feel? Great. Josh says he went out there to be himself. He's just a naturally slouchy, pointy, scary guy. The final clip show is amusing because it shows Josh and Clay's performances of "To Love Somebody" back to back. Actually, I didn't like either of them, so the contrast isn't that jarring to me. And I just realized that I honestly don't care who wins anymore. Oh well.
Wednesday. Melodramatic Announcer uses alliteration as he melodramatically reminds us somebody is getting voted out. Ruben is wearing a green and orange 205 shirt, which happens to be the school colors for a couple of Southern colleges. Ah, school colors. They exist to make sure that any devoted fans look really tacky when they show their spirit.
Credits. Ryan rushes out onto the Seal in another homeless outfit. He's wearing an orange shirt, which some posters inform me is for the Sex Pistols. It's not entirely clear from watching. But if it is, the band wasn't about what it sounds like it's about, Ryan. Ryan introduces himself and blathers, comparing ejecting a contestant with dumping somebody. Nobody responds at all to him. Ryan refers to his overpriced t-shirts, which may have been a shout-out. Ryan, if you're reading this, for god's sake, eat something! Ryan reintroduces the judges. Paula points out that Ryan was just named "one of the fifty people with the most aggressive publicists" by People magazine. Or maybe it was the "fifty most beautiful people." Whichever. Somebody has decided that if Hollywood is going to promote esteem-destroying, plastic, unhealthy, manufactured concepts of beauty, then why stop with the women?
Ryan heads over to the four finalists and reintroduces them to us. We get a clip show reminding us about Robin Gibb and the Bee Gees. Everybody loved everything about everyone except Simon. Again. The end.
And now, the tears and the pain. No, they aren't ejecting anybody yet. It's a Bee Gees medley. Run if you value your sanity. The boys open up the performance with a wretched rendition of the wretched "Stayin' Alive." The "choreography" consists of them turning to the left while they sing. And then turning to the right. And then back. And then back. And then back. Their voices don't blend at all. The back-up singers have to bring the falsetto. Then Kimberley comes out to get a solo with "If I Can't Have You." She's not bad, though she's her typical breathy self. I think that's how she handles her lower register, much as Trenyce did. Ruben gets a solo of "How Deep Is Your Love?" Ruben may be a tenor, but he definitely has an upper limit. Some of the higher notes are dreadful. Josh gets a semi-solo with "Run To Me." It's a semi-solo because, although they have him at the front of the stage alone, the other three are behind him singing as well. Clay oversings "Too Much Heaven," and I totally forgot about that when I gave him his nickname, but I'm not picking out a new one. He comes down off the stage and sings to a woman in the audience. Then the camera pulls back a little bit, and there's Kimberly Caldwell. Hi! I'm Kim! Look, I'm on television! Hi! Hi! Hi, Clay! Look at me, Clay! We're on television! I'm Kim! Hi! Wait, come back! Don't go back onstage! I won't be on television anymore! Come back! Claaaaaaay! Kimberley gets a solo of "Woman In Love," which is amusing because the other guys sing backup about how they're all women in love. Heh. She gets some good glory notes in the solo. Then they all take up the Queen diamond formation and sing "Lonely Days." Good thing Mountain Dew isn't a sponsor, or I'd fully expect them to hold up cans. Then they switch to "Night Fever," and since none of them can pull off anything near a falsetto, it sounds wretched. Fortunately, it's only for a few bars, then they run out to the audience for "You Should Be Dancing." Kim and Clay are on one side. Clay dances with some woman I think is a relative of Ruben's. Ruben and Josh are on the other side. Josh makes scary faces at Ruben. And of course, this is another falsetto song, so they suck. And they end with the sucking and the pointing pose. Don't forget the pointing pose! Yes, you should be dancing. And not singing.
Commercials. Okay, seriously, folks. I'm thoroughly comfortable with mocking everybody involved with this show, because all these contestants are adults (or at lease close enough to adulthood) to make these decisions on their own. Humiliating young children, on purpose, goes beyond the pale. I'm begging you, don't watch American Juniors. Please! Do not reward this sort of programming.
When we return, it's time to pull out the losers already. Yay! Half-hour show! I love you, half-hour show with fifty commercials. I can practically recap you without having to pause the recording. Kimberley was meh and is in the bottom two. Clay was cheesy, and that explains why I'm not fond of him. Everybody else disagrees, though, and he's safe. That leaves Josh and Ruben at risk for the bottom slot again. And we'll find out, after our collective sense of good taste has been assaulted some more.
It's our [product-placed car] skit. This time, Ruben, Kimberley, Josh are tooling around (pun intended) in a [product-placed SUV]. Ruben is pimped out in a fancy white suit and lots of rings. Josh is "thugged" out in that sorry white-boy hip-hop couture that was just driven into the ground by Jamie Kennedy. Not that we'll actually stop seeing it. Satire doesn't work when the target is too stupid to realize what it means. And also when it's the brainchild of Jamie Kennedy. Kimberley is…there. Her outfit looks the same as many of the outfits she wears onstage. Well, at least they let her in the skit, if only for a second. The soundtrack to the skit is the kids butchering Nelly's "Ride Wit Me." I'm at a loss to explain how it's possible to butcher a Nelly song, but there you go. Ruben and his pimp hat, and his fur coat, and his cane, walk up to the front door of their One-Hit Wonderland and ring the doorbell. Clay opens the door, dressed like Alfalfa from the Little Rascals. He gives an exaggerated "What's Wrong?" gesture. Ruben summons a suit through the magic of really bad film editing, and sends Clay back in the house. Clay comes back out in a ridiculous, old-fashioned red pimp suit that makes him look like a background extra for League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. And Strega will probably call for my head for making that comparison, but he really looks like he should be in some wood-paneled room full of stuffed animal heads, drinking a brandy in front of a fireplace. And not a pimp. Not that it matters.
Commercials. I'm really looking forward to the reunion special after watching Grosse Pointe.
When we return, Ryan pimps that awful American Juniors show again (and if you watch, I'll never sleep with you -- ever), then reveals that Josh is in the bottom two. Ruben is safe. The audience cheers. Heh. They don't give a flying fuck that Josh is in the bottom two as long as Ruben's safe. Ryan asks for the judges' comments. They agree with the results. Except for Paula, who, of course, doesn't answer the question and makes no sense. Simon adds that Josh should have gone last week and Kimberley should have gone tonight. Does that mean he wishes Trenyce were still there? And what's with Kimberley "should have gone tonight"? I smell a scandal brewing! Somebody call Robert Redford!
Commercials. This recap's pretty short this week, isn't it? Tsathoggua's sulking because the television season is coming to an end, meaning that evil is being defeated left and right. Don't worry, Tsathy; I have a feeling that evil will start spreading its influence again sometime November. Until then, there's always the summer season. ["THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN 'EVIL' AND 'AWFUL.'" -- Tsathoggua]
When we return, the last of the evil on American Idol is defeated (well, except for the producers and Simon), as Ryan abruptly reveals that Josh has been eliminated. Josh's wife sits in the audience, staring blankly, hoping that he doesn't kill her later. Okay, probably not. I'm betting she's glad all this nonsense is over, though. Clay, as usual, looks like he's about to cry. In Joshua's clip show, we're reminded MARINE MARINE MARINE MARINE MARINE! They replay those comments about his baby missing him. They replay pretty much everything patriotic anybody ever said about him on the show. He gives the same comments everybody else said.
Back onstage, Josh thanks everybody, including his wife and baby, and the "Marine Corps, for giving [him] this chance." So maybe he did get some special treatment. Josh sings us out with another rendition of "To Love Somebody." In a totally unplanned moment (except NOT!), Mrs. Marine brings little Baby Marine up to Josh to hold while he sings. He sings to the baby about how she doesn't know what it's like to love people. The baby starts crying, and the insult, and then the sap dripping out of my television, shorts out my Playstation and I have to cut it off.
week: Kimberley gets ejected. Oh, don't pretend like you think that there's a chance Clay or Ruben is going.