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A lot happened, but nothing happened? It was one of those episodes. Hank began haphazardly hunting all the Salem descendants -- beginning with Misty (surprise!) of all people -- but she was saved by a newly revived Myrtle, who is now convinced that Misty is the Supreme. Myrtle must read the Internet! They escape Hank’s attack and head to Miss Robichaux’s, where Cordelia takes them in with open arms.
Delia also brings them into her elaborate plan to kill Fiona, which amounted to less of a murder scheme and more of an oh-just-kill-yourself one. The crazy thing is that it works, and after a little persuasion by the ghost of Madison and some bitchy comments by Myrtle, Fiona dolls herself up, puts on her finest fur and swallows a bottle of pills -- resigned to death. But, Zoe’s brash decision to murder Spalding in the house has left him confined there as a ghost a la the Axeman, and he appears before Fiona, serves her some ipecac and she is resolved anew to stay alive just to spite them all. So much for that.
The Coven is stung by Queenie’s defection, but they get over it. Also, no one notices that Delphine is actually missing, not just sleeping in or being lazy about her chores for almost the entire episode. Speaking of Delphine, Angela Bassett shows up for one short scene this week in order to chop off her hand -- before she can even finish enjoying the Frostop burger Queenie brought her! That’s cold. Offscreen, she also cuts off Delphine’s head, places it in a box and messengers it to Miss Robichaux’s, where I guess it’s intended to be payback for Bastian, as if Fiona even cares about Delphine. When Fiona and Delia open it, Delphine’s head is disembodied but awake and trying to talk on account of that whole immortality thing.
Patti Lupone showed up again, as we got a glimpse into Luke’s home life, which turns out to be quite a gross and abusive one. It is the season of horrible mothers, after all. Nan hears his thoughts and runs over to save him, drawing Hank’s crosshairs, which Patti Lupone and Luke end up the victims of. Nan’s fine. Oh, and so is Patti Lupone, as Fiona forces Misty to bring her back to life, which should be fun. As suspected, Hank never opens fire on Miss Robichaux’s or any of the witches when they’re outside and in the open, because he’s the most inept assassin in New Orleans. This will be easy.
Kyle spends the episode up in a bedroom playing with a children’s learning app provided by Zoe, but he does end up telling Zoe he loves her, which, of course, Madison overhears and is devastated by. The undead love triangle lives!
Mindy Monez’s only goal in life is STILL to someday hit the Frostop drive-thru with Gabourey Sidibe and Kathy Bates at three a.m. This episode did not change that. You can tweet with her @garnisheater.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Zoe fucked dead people, Fiona fell in love with the Axeman, Cordelia decided to kill Fiona, and Queenie betrayed Delphine and defected to Marie's. Other things too, but those were the big ones.
Queenie is out walking under a bridge alone in the middle of the night. This bridge is home to all kinds of unsavory aspects – drug addicts, amputees, abandoned shopping carts, rodents, and of course, at least one rapist. The one rapist we know about approaches Queenie as if a normal young girl would really venture down to bridge town alone and unarmed. He unzips his pants and says something awful about plugging all her holes (good grief), so Queenie finds the nearest piece of scrap wood with nails sticking out of it and stabs herself in the hand. The injury transfers to him, but Queenie isn't finished yet. She clubs herself in the head a few times, possibly just knocking him out but more likely killing him dead.
She pauses at the sounds of what I can only describe as demonic whispering in the air, which is apparently what happens when Zoe and Madison go under bridge. Zoe demands to know what the hell Queenie is doing, and Queenie's like, voodoo secrets, sorry. The girls try to coax Queenie back into their Coven with promises of new and improved management under the new Supreme, as if that's any way to sell it. Queenie lets them in on the fact that Fiona tried to tell her she was the Supreme once (a scene that never ended up amounting to anything, I might add), so maybe don't believe everything everyone tells you at Miss Robichaux's. She does have a point there. Queenie produces a massive hunting knife from her light spring jacket and, to the horror of both of them, rips open the rapist's chest and tears out his heart. "Marie Laveau needs a black heart. And I'm gonna give it to her." Awesome. Queenie explains that the heart will be used in a magic voodoo potion to give her more powers, the kind of help Fiona would never dare give them. I am no Emma Roberts fan, but her horrified side-eye to Zoe while Queenie sasses them holding a still beating heart is pretty great stuff.
Fiona is trying to eat toast in bed (very normal) but the treatment for her "Meningeal carcinomatosis" is throwing some nausea curves at her. She calls it "Satan's diet pill" in her trademark glamorous spin on things. She writhes on the floor in pain and references the River Styx, so yes, things are rough. Even worse? "I'm starting to look less Samantha and more Endora every day." Heh. She faces herself in the mirror, but at night, in the dark, and with the night traffic outside moving obscuring shadows across her face. Fiona's confidence has been a little rocked, you could say. And when she told her own daughter she was terminal, that hateful brat insulted her Thanksgiving stuffing! Most solo Fiona scenes happen in a bubble of her own perception, and this is no different. If you saw this out of context you might even believe she's the victim in this story.
Fiona and the Axeman lounge in his bed in their underwear, smoking cigarettes (fire hazard!) and engaging in sweet pillow talk about how Fiona will be a bald corpse in a month. He wants her to run away with him, like, he actually says the words "Run away with me" – to Paris, no less -- because he is just the biggest walking cliché ever, but Fiona refuses. She can't bear to let him watch her decay. He asks if she ever considers ending her pain right now, but Fiona swears she'd never give "them" the satisfaction of killing herself. You sure about that, Fiona?
Fiona believes that the only reason her cancer is so aggressive is because of the new Supreme gaining power and sucking hers away in the process. This whole younger-women-draining-older-women-of-their-power theme has been the dominant one this season, and I just find it so boring, I'm sorry. We've spent an awful lot of time on it between Fiona, Madame LaLaurie, and even Marie, to a certain extent, which is a lot, considering how tired a trope that is and how little is being added to it here. I know a good chunk of people hated Season 2, but its themes of faith, authority and self were a lot more interesting to me than aging women feeling threatened by younger ones. Not that I'm dying to watch Ryan Murphy ineptly grapple with race, but… we spend more time on this shit than we do on race! That is crazy!
Anyway. Luke is back home, and Patti Lupone is cleaning his nearly healed zombie wounds in a rage. She calls Nan a bitch and the whole lot of Miss Robichaux's "dark-sided" . She tries to slap the hotness off of him when he defends them, but he is shirtless, so this cannot be done. She turns sweet and insists he make himself clean of evil impurities with a toxic enema made of household cleaning products. Would that kill you? For some reason it seems like it would kill you to me. She makes him take off his pants and submit to the enema because yes, yes, mothers ruin their children and older women are so jealous of younger ones that they could just kill them. I GET IT, Season 3, you miserable old queen.
Nan can hear his thoughts, and begs for help from Cordelia, but she has bigger fish to fry than Patti Lupone (if that's even possible). She's gathered the girls to A) let them know that Queenie is now officially dead to her, and B) get their shit together re: murdering Fiona. They have a plan, but it will remain a secret from the audience for now, because someone won't stop ringing the doorbell and no one can find any of the servants. Not that they've bothered to look or anything.
Zoe answers the door, and it is a barefoot MISTY FUCKING DAY, panicked over someone trying to kill her. Flashback to last night in the swamp, Misty sleeping when a newly alive -- if a little throat-singed -- Myrtle wakes her on account of a man with a gun circling the shack outside. She first noticed him when he stepped on her face, so yeah, she's sure. They make their escape just in time to avoid a hooded figure breaking down the door and firing a shotgun all over Misty's bed. We don't see the person's face, but it would be weird if it isn't Hank, right? Why introduce an additional witch assassin now?
Cordelia takes Misty's hand and sees her past, in which she was also burned at the stake. Cordelia takes her into the Coven and promises her protection. Misty is relieved, because apparently that bad mojo she was afraid of last time she was in the house is god. Oh also, she wants to know if her "friend" can stay too. She's out in the greenhouse!
Madison and Nan join them as they go to collect the friend, but it's just Myrtle, of course. She and Cordelia embrace, and Nan inquires about her fiery red (and crimped!) mane, which has grown back awfully fast. The answer: "Oh, little bird, I've been buying from North Korea for years!" Frances Conroy, everybody! Her face is still scarred from her burns, but she looks quite alive and well otherwise. Misty is furiously gardening in the background during this entire scene, by the way. Genius. Myrtle changes gears. Misty Day has brought two people back from the dead, a feat more impressive than any of the 7 Wonders, so, "Behold, our Supreme!" Congratulations, everyone on the Internet! You called it!
Zoe has introduced Kyle to a children's learning app, so he can "get real smart" and have a normal life. Unfortunately, she and Madison have also taught him about sex, which he'd much rather be doing than learning, but Zoe rejects his advances because she has business to attend to downstairs, and she does not mean that as a euphemism. Madison reminds us that they're sharing him, jams her tongue down his throat and promises him filthy undead teen sex later. They leave Kyle to his studies.
Downstairs, the ladies don red robes to perform the hallowed ceremony of "The Sacred Taking," which allows for the ascension of the new Supreme. They are all participating, so even if Misty is not the Supreme (and I'm kind of inclined to believe she isn't), I'm assuming this could allow any one of them to take it. Clearly a little butthurt over losing the promotion, Zoe asks if they're sure Misty's really the Supreme. Madison calls her on it, which is why even though girls like Madison are awful, sometimes they are wonderful to have around.
As they unload all of this on Misty, Delia gets real about what a burden being the Supreme is, and how none of the women on the wall had happy lives. Except her mother, who ran from it. After killing to get it? That's interesting. After that speech Misty pipes up and says she doesn't want to be the Supreme, but unfortunately, you do not get to choose. The Supreme just Is, apparently. You have to do a ceremony, though, or it won't work! And also the Supreme has to perform 7 Wonders in order to get the title! But sure, you can't choose. OK.
They grasp hands as we see a stylish black and white film piece that accompanies Delia's narration of a historic time this ceremony took place before, during the Salem Witch Trials as an act of selflessness by a Supreme with Consumption. She took her life so a stronger, younger Supreme could lead her Coven on the lengthy journey to safety down South. Myrtle: "Can you imagine? Those poor Salem witches traveling all the way down here without a proper charcuterie platter or a bidet? Absolutely SAVAGE!" Killin' it this week, that one. Madison reveals that their plan is to get Fiona to kill herself, and obviously, that's gonna be a little difficult. Delia, however, remains confident as ever.
Fiona is in her gorgeous subway tiled bathroom puking her brains out, when Donovan's "Season of the Witch" comes on her bedroom clock radio (old people!). A little on the nose, but fun nonetheless. When she goes to see what's up, she finds Madison dancing around in a flowy red dress. "I've always loved this room," she says. Between the Axeman and Madison, the undead sure love commenting on their favorite and least favorite rooms in Miss Robichaux's. Madison flounces about acting like she's so excited to redecorate all of it once it's hers very soon. You see, Fiona, she is the Supreme. Who brought her back to life? She brought herself back to life! So be afraid. Oh, and get your shit out of here ASAP. Madison is dying to have sex in your bed.
Madison threatens to turn her in to The Council, but, oh, right Fiona killed Myrtle. Well, no problem, rules are rules, and since Fiona killed Madison and everyone knows about it, they will just burn Fiona at the stake, Council ruling or no Council ruling. Unless, of course, Fiona kills herself first. No sense in burning a witch who's already dead! And besides, she's already half dead anyway. What's the difference? Madison crams a handful of pills into Fiona's hand and flits out of the room. She also calls her "FiFi," which is wonderful. Fiona looks truly awful, physically, in this scene, and it's just perfect. I have a feeling Jessica Lange probably wasn't super thrilled about looking this raw on television, but the contrast to Emma Roberts' vibrant youth is exactly as it should be if this is what you're going for.
Shaken, Fiona lugs a massive suitcase onto her bed and begins packing for an escape. Then, Myrtle's part in the gambit begins. She startles Fiona and claims Madison, being the new Supreme, was the one who brought her back from the dead. Myrtle gives her the same options Madison did: Pills or fire. Fiona's not ready for death – she's in LOVE. She can't die now, not when her beloved Axeman has promised to take care of her on her deathbed. Myrtle gives off a pitying sigh and says she has not thought this through. Then, we go into Fiona's head, as Myrtle plays on her insecurities. There is a fantasy sequence of Fiona lying on her deathbed, bald and unglamorous, as the Axeman changes his mind about staying with her. Myrtle: "He won't stay 'til the end. They promise, but… they don't." Fiona: "You, are nothing, but an envious old bitch." Hot.
In the fantasy, the Axeman cruelly tells her it's just taking too long for her to die, and she smells, and he's had enough. Bald death fantasy Fiona falls out of her hospital bed trying to stop him from leaving, and it's all dreadfully pathetic. Ugly, alone and rejected by her man? That's all Fiona needs to hear. She will take their deal and kill herself. That sure was easy. What happened to all this "I'm going to stay alive to spite them" business? How does Fiona not see through this obvious manipulation?
The girls and Misty Day wait outside on the staircase. Nan still believes she could be the Supreme and says so, but oh, honey, the girls disagree. Madison says she has no style and her pits smell like fishticks. Zoe just avoids eye contact with her entirely. And Misty, Misty looks at her with sympathy. Nan's had enough. "You guys suck balls!" She runs off to Luke's, where hopefully his enema is over or she's about to have a fantasy seriously tarnished. As she runs over, we see Hank is parked outside. He doesn't shoot her. He doesn't shoot at Miss Robichaux's. I have no idea what his game plan is, but I'm sure it's not very smart.
Nan keys into the house with her powers, and slowly creeps up the dark stairs, whispering for Luke. His distressed thoughts lead her to a linen closet, where she finds him tied up and gagged. Moms! So embarrassing, right?
Fiona, resigned to death, has donned a glamour turban and is now making up her face. One doesn't want to meet her maker looking unattractive, now does one? What if he's single?! Myrtle: "You're preparing a corpse." Fiona asks for her help holding her mirror up, and Myrtle obliges, more to get this show on the road than as an act of kindness. Fiona reminisces with her about Levon "the drummer with The Band," with whom she had a whirlwind affair during Woodstock. As we have learned, Fiona chose freedom over her duties to the Coven as Supreme, and in her final moments she does not regret it at all. Properly made up, Fiona puts on her finest fur, asks Myrtle to take care of her Delia, chugs a handful of pills and lies down on the bed, perfect and ready to die. That is… not how you kill yourself with pills, but OK. Myrtle steals her jewelry and leaves her to die. As you do.
Some time later, Fiona is awakened by Spalding, whose spirit has been trapped in the house after his murder by Zoe. This season has hit that annoying stage fantasy shows often hit where no one can ever really die, consequences don't exist, and every act is reversible. This is why I hate this genre.
Spalding gives her ipecac and fills her in on the plot against her. She initially refuses – this is the first decent, selfless thing she's ever done for the Coven and she intends to see it through. Spalding cannot bear to see her martyred to lesser witches. He won't have it. He divulges all their lies, he even tells her all about Misty "the swamp witch." Swayed, Fiona takes the ipecac and out come the pills. She is now alive and ready to kick some ass. "I will avenge your murder. Right after I avenge my own." It would be great if someone else came in and just changed her mind yet again with another few sentences. Fiona is the most malleable person on this show all of a sudden. How the hell did that happen?
Delphine is still in her cage in the back room at Marie's. Oh, hello, this storyline! Wasn't sure if you were going to show up for your obligatory three minutes of screen time this week! Queenie comes to her aid with a bag full of the delicious smells of fast food burgers. Delphine: "Is that a Jumping Jack with Cheese I smell?" She eats the burger like someone who hasn't eaten in days, which is because she hasn't eaten in days. All they do is bleed her for Marie's youth serum, and all she has to stop the bleeding is what looks like a dirty old table runner. With TASSLES, which is just insulting.
Queenie clearly doesn't feel great about what she's done, and Delphine tries to work it to her advantage. "Didn't you like my pot pie? My peach crumble? I learned to make them for you!" Oh, Kathy Bates. She's getting me again. Delphine starts in on how easy it would be for Queenie to just let her out, but Marie interrupts them before any of that can happen. Marie: "What I told you about feeding the animals?" Queenie apologizes and scurries away, leaving Marie and Delphine to exchange words. Marie gloats about how fun it is to keep Delphine in a cage as a pet. Delphine calls Obama a "darkie" and orders Marie around like a slave, so they are at the same impasse they've always been at. IT'S A METAPHOR FOR RACE RELATIONS IN AMERICA! (No it's not.) Delphine makes the mistake of asserting that she will always have the upper hand (pun intended!) because Marie can't kill her. Marie shows how wrong that is by picking up a machete and chopping off Delphine's right hand. I'd imagine torture is a fuck ton worse when there's no possibility of death to hope for, so, well-played. Marie: "We've only just begun." Sorry, Delphine! Maybe don't call people "darkie" anymore?
Nan and Luke make their escape downstairs. Luke suggests they go on the run alone, considering Patti LuPone will likely look for them at Miss Robichaux's first. Nan asks if they are now "boyfriend-and-girlfriend" and he hesitates, but he nods. Nan gets to have EVERYTHING. But when they get to the bottom of the stairs Patti LuPone appears, on the phone with the police about a female intruder who is armed and dangerous. Luke stands up for his woman and pushes Patti LuPone into the living room, where Hank's laser sights find her and she is shot to death. Luke is also shot. Nan is just fine. Apparently this witch hunter shoots everyone but witches. Nan cries over Luke's corpse, the second time he's been mortally wounded just for being around her.
The girls are in the parlor waiting for Fiona to die. Myrtle is playing them all a depressing tune in a minor key to honor the occasion. Zoe is stressed. Misty is barefoot. Madison is, I was going to say texting, but everyone who knows she's alive is in that room, so I guess she's… on Pinterest? Get those chevron DIY ideas, girl! You only live infinite times, apparently!
According to the ladies, if Misty's ascending to Supremehood, she should begin exhibiting physiological symptoms. Delia says her feet should be getting warmer. Myrtle uses the word "cooch," which is unbelievable. Suddenly, Fiona appears: "Mine started as a classic migraine." Oh, lord, people with migraines. Try shutting them up about them. Delia is horrified to see Fiona back in the game, oozing top doggery to the highest degree, which I assume means they have no Plan B here. Amateurs. Fiona lights a cigarette with MAGIC and demands to meet the swamp witch. But Misty's no dummy, and has gotten out of dodge.
The authorities are removing Luke's body, and Nan insists on going with him. Bye, Nan! Patti LuPone's is still slumped in the corner, but I guess they can only process one body at a time. Misty saunters around the crime scene undisturbed by the cops, so I'm assuming she has the same mind control powers Fiona does. Speaking of Fiona, she has found Misty. She snarls "swamp witch" at her again, and Misty certainly does seem uncomfortable. The cops finally intervene, but Fiona glamours one of them into spilling the beans on what happened and allowing them to stay. Robbery gone wrong. Son has a terrible head wound. Mother is dead. They're waiting on the coroner for her. While they're standing around, Fiona would like to see Misty's renowned powers of resurgence. Hey, why not try it out on this dead Patti LuPone body over there?! Misty smirks and looks to be along for the ride.
Outside, Cordelia and Zoe do recon. Delia senses "something" just as Misty begins working on Patti. Delia picks up a shell casing outside and is horrified to see a flashback to Hank doing his sniper thing on Patti and Luke. So, this blind seer business works on INANIMATE OBJECTS too? She actually should have a Medium-esque spinoff on a broadcast network at this point. Blind Justice, coming to CBS this winter. The soundtrack ratchets up as Misty puts her hands on Patti's face and Fiona swats away a few more detectives. Patti wakes up with a gasp, and Misty passes out from an overdose of resurgence. Fiona rolls her eyes at her perceived weakness. Nice touch. Delia tells Zoe what's up, and now they all have advance warning that an incompetent witch hunter is gunning for them. They could probably do nothing at all and he would just accidentally shoot everyone else in New Orleans besides them, but I guess it's good to have a plan just in case.
Poor Kyle is still up in the Zoe and Madison's room trying to navigate a game for toddlers. Zoe runs in, freaked out over, you know, everything. Kyle tries to comfort her, but she pushes him away with a "NOT NOW" face that makes her look exactly like her sister Vera Farmiga. She can't with him right now because it's not safe -- they are under attack! Zoe wants to get Kyle to safety, but he refuses with the only words he knows how to say: "This road has two ways," from the children's app, and "I love you," from his HEART. Zoe dittos, and we of course pan out to find Madison eavesdropping around the corner, crying. You mean to tell me that a plural relationship between temperamental teenagers, two of whom are undead and all three of whom are processing multiple assaults of extreme trauma is proving to be problematic? Huh.
Fiona greets Delia in the kitchen the morning, bemoaning the absence of the servants (has anyone actually looked for Delphine?). Fiona is cheery and light, talking about coffee and sleeping until noon, which just pisses Delia off to no end. It's one of the oldest passive aggressive tactics in the book, but an effective one 100% of the time. "Cut the shit, Fiona." Delia lets it all out in the open: I tried to kill you because you keep trying to kill all of us, and I'm not sorry. Fiona's like, oh, I'm not angry. In fact, I'm proud of you! And the girls! I love your moxie! She twists the knife with a "You really are my daughter," and she's right. You fight fire with fire and you become just as bad as the, umm, fire. You know what I mean. Delia says if she'd known it was this easy to make her mother proud she would have tried to murder her years ago! Hahaha. They share a genuine laugh over their impossibly fucked up relationship.
Fiona notices the bullet on the table, and Delia informs us all that it's a silver bullet, which means witch hunters, regardless of Hank being the one pulling the trigger. You can't kill witches with normal bullets? Is a silver bullet some sort of final death that not even Misty Day or a ghost with surgical skills could bring you back from? I'm unclear on the rules here. Ever afraid of the maternal I-told-you-so, however, Delia refrains from disclosing that Hank is the one after them. Hey, someone's ringing the doorbell. That usually goes well.
Fiona decides to answer the door, which seems out of character. When she opens it, she finds an unmarked box on the doorstep. She waves her hand over it to check for… something. Bombs? TSA Touch, coming to USA this spring. Fiona sets the box on the dining room table and is joined by Delia. She opens it slowly. Tension! When she finally gets the flaps open, we see that Marie has sent Fiona Delphine's disembodied head, of course still alive and trying to speak without a throat. I sense a lot of Delphine head hot potato in week's episode, which actually should be hilarious. Save Myrtle's one liners, this episode was awfully serious, wasn't it? Let's get wacky with Kathy Bates's head week!
Speaking of week, week: They cram some poor bastard's eyes into Delia's skull and she can see! The ladies attack Hank! Fiona tries to forge an alliance with Marie! Madison wears a giant hat! Some undead red thing screamin' in the yard! OMG.
Mindy Monez's only goal in life is STILL to someday hit the Frostop drive-thru with Gabourey Sidibe and Kathy Bates at three a.m. This episode did not change that. You can tweet with her @garnisheater.