In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
It's Christmas at Briarcliff, and Devil Eunice has decided to reverse Sister Jude's Grinchy ban on all things yule and bring back festivities like a tree and holiday music. (Of course, she does so by hanging patients' dentures and locks of hair from the tree, which Monsignor Howard finds cute, but Monsignor Howard is an idiot, you know?)
But there's trouble in Eunice's paradise (lost). Frank is feeling the guilt from having shot and killed Grace, and he's enough of a stand-up guy that Dr. Arden's vague threats to keep quiet or else be blamed for her death don't deter him. Something needs to be done. The other thing, though, is that Sister Jude shows up and puts a razor to Devil Eunice's throat. Arden walks in before she can do anything (and I'm not sure she would, since she seems to genuinely care for Mary Eunice so much), and Jude is removed from the asylum, but before she goes, she plants a seed in Arden's mind that Eunice is wicked. Later -- after a gift of Holocaust-obtained ruby earrings fails to horrify Eunice -- Arden approaches Sister Jude in supplication: she was right, and he's willing to do whatever it takes to get Eunice back.
While all this is going on, Devil Eunice brings a patient named Leigh out of solitary after over a year locked up. Leigh (played by Ian McShane so deliciously I could die) went on a rampage two years ago, killing 18 people while wearing a Santa suit. Then last year, at the Last Christmas Pageant Ever or whatever, he ruined Sister Jude's nice family photo by biting the face off an orderly. Eunice frees him so that he will murder Frank for her and take his guilty conscience out of the game. When that doesn't work, Eunice simply slashes Frank's throat herself (R.I.P., buddy) and sets Leigh upon Sister Jude in a locked office. Seems Arden was merely proving his loyalty to the Prince(ss) of Lies and walked Sister Jude right into the lion's den. Leigh menaces Sister Jude and plans to take his revenge on her for her mistreatment of him, but she manages to find a sharp object and stabs Leigh in the neck.
Meanwhile, Lana discovers that Kit is back in Briarcliff as well, and being kept in a drug haze. The manhunt is still ongoing for him, which tells Lana that no one knows he's here. No one knows SHE'S here either, which means Thredson is roaming free. She unhooks Kit's IV drug drip and tells him everything about Thredson, before finding a telephone to call the cops. But she's cornered by a returning Thredson, who tells her he purged his house of all Bloody Face paraphernalia, and now he's going to take out the one living witness to his crimes: her. Kit gets the jump on him, though. And while Lana desperately wants to kill him, Kit convinces her to merely imprison him until they can figure out how to expose his crimes and exonerate Kit. Good plan! Can't see how it'll backfire!
Featuring How the Grinch Stole Christmas, as performed by Ian McShane as Grinchy Claus and some little girl as Cindy Lou Who; the Silence of the Lambs scene where Lecter bites that guard's face off, as performed by Ian McShane; and the Christopher Walken scene in Pulp Fiction, as performed by James Cromwell and Lily Rabe.
week: Brooke Smith and the Origins of Dylan Face!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!It's 1962. You can tell because the whole world has the carefree air that comes with not knowing what it's like to have a First Lady named Lady Bird yet. It's also Christmastime, which you can tell because some little brat is whining to his mom about what presents he wants, while "Here We Come A-Wassailing" plays on the supermarket PA system and some guy dressed as Santa rings a bell for the Salvation Army. Mom hands Kid a dollar to put in Santa's kettle, and Santa gives Kid a candy cane and tells him if he's good, he just might get that coonskin cap he's after. Mom and Kid leave because the store is closing, and when the lights shut off, Santa begins to close up shop.
Suddenly, he's approached by a man in the possession of the mellifluous voice of Ian McShane. You guys. Ian McShane is the best. Deadwood was the best. Kings was even the best, despite no one watching it. Ian tells Santa that the kid is going to be awfully upset if he doesn't get that cap. Santa Guy just kind of brushes it off, saying either the kid's parents get it for him and he's happy, or they don't and the kid blames himself for being bad. Ian thinks this is a bit of a racket Santa's got going. He gets all the praise for delivering presents, but if the kids don't get what they want, well, blame The List. Santa Guy lowers his beard and is like, "Look, Crazy, I just ring the bell two nights a week so I can get out of the house." But before he can go on at length about his harpy wife or whatever, Ian pulls out a gun and shoots him right between the eyes. And God bless you and send YOU a happy New Year, sir!
Still 1962. This time, it's the classic Americana scene where the little girl wanders downstairs in the middle of the night to find a man in a red suit with white fur trim fiddling with gift boxes under the Christmas tree. And be it a mommy-kissing Santa or an underhanded Grinchy Claus, there's a proud tradition of spying on Santa while he's not entirely on the up-and-up. This being American Horror Story, obviously we're about to get something much, much worse. And indeed, here's Ian McShane dressed up like Santa -- sans-beard, but still -- with a big ol' bloody stain down the front of his costume. He's playing with a train set, of course, and when the girl approaches him, he's exceedingly friendly. Too, friendly, of course, but this girl isn't so much a little girl as Innocence Personified, so she doesn't really get suspicious. She's sure full of questions, though: like why is he here six days before Christmas and why did he break in through the front window instead of using the chimney? He finally tells the girl, Susie, that the whole Santa thing really makes no sense if you think about it for longer than two seconds. "They call me crazy!" he says, which, yes, I can see why people would call him crazy. After he assures her that the blood on his costume is not his, he asks her to take him to Mom and Dad.
Which she does because she's credulous as hell. Maybe she should have asked Santa for the Gift of Fear for Christmas. She wakes up her daddy with the hugest smile on her face and tells him that Christmas in fact is not six days from now, it's tonight. She knows because Santa told her so. Dad rolls over to see Ian holding a gun to Mom's head. Cut to downstairs -- hopefully Susie's playing with her new toys upstairs or something -- and Mom and Dad are tied up, back to back, with Christmas lights. Ian tells Dad that the reason he chose them was their gaudy outdoor decorations, "I mean what are you trying to prove?" Dad offers him $5,000 cash plus all the jewelry they have to let them go. Ian starts crazy-babbling about how it's Christmas and he wants families to be together, which is why he's bind-torture-killing them right now. He states his intentions for Santa to "leave a little terror, a little rape" for them. That last one's not just for Mom, he stresses. Though, really, how often does a rapist say the word "rape"? He asks Mom and Dad to help him choose who to kill first, but their begging saps his Christmas spirit. So he just pulls out his gun and kills them both, bang-bang.
As a Christmas present to us all, Ryan Murphy has decided to splurge for the music rights to all the Christmas songs he can manage for this episode. (Sure, some of them must be public domain, but I bet not all.) For the moment, Devil Eunice has chosen to mark that transition from Sister Jude's reign of terror to her own by replacing "Dominique" on the record player with "Here Comes Santa Claus." In the common room, the patients are milling around a sparsely-lit Christmas tree. Eunice gets everyone's attention with her whistle.
She reminds the patients (us) that "after last year's debacle," Sister Jude forbade Christmas in the ward, but the new management thinks "we need a little Christmas." (Sadly, no Muppets emerge at this obvious cue.) She lines the patients up and informs them that since "that mean old Grinch tossed out all of our ornaments," they're going to have to improvise. She looks at elderly Mr. Deacons and asks if he's wearing dentures. Cut to those very dentures hanging from a branch on the tree, as proud as any glazed ceramic angel. As for everybody else, Devil Eunice walks down the line, snipping out a succession of red hair bows for the tree. Did I miss the part where every Briarcliff inmate is given a red hair bow? They're, like, identical. Eunice compliments everybody's "sacrifice for the greater good," while across the room, Dr. Arden eyes her with some suspicion.
In Dr. Arden's examination room, Frank -- poor Frank -- is standing to Grace's dead body on the slab, and he's having a moment. He's trying to apologize for, you know, shooting and killing her. In his mind, she keeps opening her giant eyes all accusingly at him. And, look, I liked Grace too, but she pretty clearly dove in front of that bullet all on her own. She knew what she was doing. He tearfully pledges to make things right. He turns around and is surprised by Dr. Arden, who seems very concerned by Frank's attack of conscience. Frank announces his intentions to tell the authorities all about Kit Walker's return to Briarcliff, about Sister Felicity (R.I.P.), and "that monster" what chewed Sister Felicity's throat out. Obviously, Arden's not in favor of this, so he reminds Frank that alerting the cops means confessing what he did to Grace, but, in one of my favorite moments of the season, Frank's just like, "Yeah, well, I'll own up to what I did." All that leverage Arden was sure he had on Frank just falls away. How simple for a good-hearted man to thwart evil by accepting the risks of being honest. Not that Arden is going to let matters go, but still. A for effort, Frank.
Devil Eunice is in her brand new office, listening to Christmas music and admiring the fire, when all of a sudden, there's a razor to her neck. Attached to that razor is Sister Jude, back in the habit (sorry) and ready to do battle with the devil. She monologues about how she wondered how a demon could walk the halls at Briarcliff, past all that religious iconography -- not to mention wear a crucifix -- without burning her flesh. Then she realized that it must be the otherworldly purity of Mary Eunice that is essentially insulating said demon. Sure, that's one explanation. Another could be that Briarcliff pumped so much evil into the world that all the statues and crucifixes housed therein have been sapped of whatever holiness that might have had. Or perhaps they've been caked with sin like a pickup truck after doing donuts in a muddy field. You know, so long as we're throwing out theories.
Sister Jude talks a lot, threatening to slit Eunice's throat and release her to heaven. The demon says maybe she'd enter her , then. On some level, I think the demon knows Jude will never actually harm Mary Eunice. So she TK's some canes at Sister Jude from the caning cabinet, then launches the Christmas album to the ceiling. Lotta show, but the real thing that stops Sister Jude is Dr. Arden showing up.
Devil Eunice has him call security, and soon enough, they're dragging Sister Jude out. She calls out to Arden that he's making a huge mistake. "Because you deny God, you can't see the devil right in front of you." Ah, talking in metaphors that are not metaphors. Well put, Judy. From the landing above, Devil Eunice takes a pen from Dr. Arden's hand and makes sure there's a good bit of contact when she does. "We have a problem," he tells her. She sort of laughs it off, but he says he's not talking about Sister Jude, though he tells Eunice not to underestimate her. Ah, the first sign of a grudging respect between the two old dogs. No, he's talking about Frank and his guilty conscience. Devil Eunice calmly says she's got it under control.
In one of the solitary cells, Devil Eunice slides a big, festive gift box across the floor ... to Ian McShane. He mistakes her for Sister Jude at first ("I thought you said you never wanted to see me again"), but Eunice says that Sister Jude is gone. We're taken to a flashback to 1963, the year after Ian's Christmas rampage. Sister Jude is assembling the inmates into position for a Christmas photo, while Ian loudly complains that he has to wear uncomfortable handcuffs. Jude delivers some exposition by way of chastising him: he killed 18 people from five families that night a year ago, she says, and there is no way she's dumb enough to take those shackles off him for one second. He pouts and says he doesn't want to be a part of her "lie" of happy, Christmassy inmates anyway. She tells him he's got it wrong. The Christmas photo isn't intended to advance a lie of contented prisoners. It's to remind the public that, but for Briarcliff, these monsters would be out among them. Which is why she wants Ian front and center. She slaps him hard on the shoulder and tells him he will be shackled and under control for the photo. She stares back at her like he wants to rest HER merry gentlemen.
One of the orderlies, Sean, is handing out presents (bags of chestnuts! Try to contain your joy!) to the patients. Sister Jude pulls Frank aside and expresses her displeasure that Sean is wearing a Santa hat and beard while he does it. After all, she has expressly forbade any non-Jesus-focused Christmas iconography. Frank basically tells her to calm down about it. Mary Eunice then enters with the photographer, and while Sister Jude chastises her for bringing him in before they were ready to take the picture, Sean tries to hand Ian his bag of chestnuts. Ian "clumsily" drops them to the ground, and when Sean bends over to pick it up, Ian grabs him and tears into his face with his teeth. I think he ends up biting his nose off, all while the photographer snaps away ("What a scoop!"). Sister Jude orders for Ian to be taken to the hole. And I guess that's where he's been for the last year. He's missed a lot. Civil Rights Act. The death of Jawaharlal Nehru. Patricia Neal wins the Oscar for Hud. Sad.
Back in the cell in 1964, Devil Eunice temps Ian -- whose name is Leigh, so let's go with that -- with a Santa suit and a ticket out of solitary. He backs off, says she doesn't want him around other people at this time of year. Oh, but she does! "You don't know what Christmastime means to me," he says, ducking away from the light. Oh, but she does. We don't, of course, so Devil Eunice helpfully runs down the details: he was once a petty criminal thrown in jail for stealing a loaf of bread, and while in jail, the drunken, Christmas carol-singing guards took turns raping him. I mean ... if you're looking to explain someone's irrational hatred of Christmas, that'll do it. "They took your dignity," she says, "your self-esteem, and more importantly, your Christmas spirit." This is a nasty little television program, isn't it? Wonderful thing. Wearing the Santa Suit, he says, he knew who was naughty and who was nice; who deserved to live and who deserved to die. Devil Eunice is offering him that power again. "Who do you want to be?" she asks. "The victim? Or the victor?" So, you know. time the rabid Ryan Murphy haters start ranting about how much he sucks, remember that if they say he ruined Santa Claus, you kind of can't argue.
Christmas Song: "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree"
After the break, Devil Eunice is in her office, enjoying a smoke by firelight. Dr. Arden comes by and they start reminiscing about Christmas. Like how Eunice had so many family members, she had to be happy with a tangerine and some socks for Christmas. We've seen this before, but these are Mary Eunice's she's referencing, not the demon's. Which means there's a little part of Mary Eunice that's in these demonic doings. I like that complexity.
"Did you celebrate Christmas in your Nazi household?" she asks Arden, nearly knocking me out of my chair as she does so. He absorbs the body blow and says some of his fondest childhood memories were from the holidays. He then presents Eunice with a present. She's excited at first, hoping it might be Taboo perfume, though her curdled soul doesn't let her linger on the bright side for long. "Knowing you it's probably some toilet water from Woolworth's," she sneers. "Yeardley's Lavendar. Christ, why did I get my hopes up." Can Devil Eunice guest judge on RuPaul's Drag Race or something? I'd hate to lose her when the season's over.
She opens the box to find a pair of ruby earrings, and she's ecstatic ("Mother of God, are they real?"). Arden tells her the story of how he came by them: they belonged to a Jewess in the camp, a rich woman who didn't want to give up the dream that one day she'd return to her former grandeur. She suffered from stomach problems, so one day Arden followed her to the latrine to seek out a stool sample. What he found was the woman on her hands and kneed, picking through her feces to fish out the earrings. Turns out, she swallowed them anew every day, to keep them in her possession. Arden says he was repulsed by the woman, who died from internal injuries soon thereafter, and he took possession of the earrings. He said he's hoped someday he'd meet someone who was worthy of their exceptional beauty. Devil Eunice is so happy! "They bring out the rose in my cheeks!" she enthuses. Arden looks abashed, which Eunice interprets as him being a sap. He says he is, but not how she thinks. Angering, he tells her he'd hoped she'd throw those shit-stained earrings back in his face. Hoping for a glimmer of horror from that precious girl who was once too afraid to bite his candy apple. Devil Eunice doesn't show a bit of shame, calling him pathetic. She also tells him he's either with her or against her. "And if you're against me? Even God can't help you."
Elsewhere, Lana is in the infirmary, puking from all the stress. She's with that kindhearted younger nun, one of the two who helped revive Grace last week. Kind Young Nun is trying to assure Lana that if Sister Mary Eunice said that she would call the police for her, she probably did. Okay, maybe Kind Naïve Young Nun. She tries to get Lana to calm down, but Lana notices a patient behind a screen, moaning quietly. Kind Naïve Placating Young Nun says it's just "another unfortunate soul," but obviously it's Kit. Lana then is all, "Okay, just gonna walk over here now," and Kind Naïve Placating Gullible Nun is all, "Sure!"
Sister Jude is meeting with Mother Claudia, who doesn't know if she's going to be able to help her now that she's lost all her credibility at Briarcliff. Jude begs her to get her back inside the asylum. She talks about her renewed sense of purpose. God had a plan for her all along! To be a soldier in her army. They're losing the battle, though, she says, pointing to NBC's recent broadcast of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" as evidence of the damning secularization of America. "This country had turned towards unadulterated blasphemy," she rants, saying the devil has, bit by bit, turned our eyes away from God. "BUT HE CAN'T HAVE HER!" she declares. And if you're one of those people who have been saying since the beginning that Mary Eunice is secretly Sister Jude's daughter, that's one to put in your evidence reel. Mother Claudia says she'll do what she can, then answers a phone call: seems Sister Jude has a visitor.
Sister Jude enters the chapel where she finds Dr. Arden, somehow having not burst into flames upon entering the threshold. He's conciliatory to start, telling Sister Jude that the two of them "got off on the wrong foot" due to their strong personalities, but he believes their commitment to Briarcliff is the same. He wants her to know how serious this is, that he's coming to her, "of all people." "I don't have time for the prologue," she says, "just say it." Not giving an inch.
He tells her that she was right about Sister Eunice. She's in "desperate trouble," though he has no medical explanation for it. He finally hangs his head a bit and says, "She doesn't know I'm here." With more than a little unseemly triumph in her eyes, Sister Jude accuses Arden of being afraid of Eunice. He denies it and tries to play it off like he just doesn't have time to babysit a "deranged nun." Not good enough for Jude, who tells him to go to Hell.
Arden begs her to wait, says she was right about him not believing in God. He does believe in evil, though. "I've seen it, up close and personal," She's all, "I bet you have, Herr Grouper." He says that's why Eunice's "purity" meant so much to him. Yeah, I'm betting that's not the only reason why, but go on. He laments the light having gone out inside her. He actually starts begging Sister Jude for help. Says "please" and everything. Sister Jude makes it clear that she's doing this for Eunice and not him, then instructs him to follow every instruction of hers, no questions asked. She should've started by making him write out his full Nazi confession.
Later, at Briarcliff, all the patients are gathered together for the ceremonial placing of the star atop the Christmas tree. Monsignor Howard is here to do the honors, and when he produces the star ... you guys. This thing is made of crystal (>Saboski crystals?) and has like SIX DOZEN points on it, each one a tantalizing murder weapon. What a perfect ornament for a tree in a hospital for the criminally insane! Sister Eunice gets a pass for being the devil and all, and Dr. Arden Don't Give a Fuck could be a t-shirt slogan at this point, so I'm heaping all the stupidity for this decision on Monsignor Howard's moronic shoulders. "Hey, watch as I hang the ceremonial ninja death star atop our murder tree!"
Howard praises Sister Eunice for her inventiveness with the decorations on the tree, even comparing it to "found-object art," the dummy. He tells her it's just what's been missing around here. He says he was a bit wary of her decision to let Leigh Emerson participate in the holiday festivities, but as he looks across the room at Leigh, in the Santa suit, with an inmate sitting contentedly on his lap, he declares Leigh a "a renewed soul." THIS GUY. As if only to prove Howard's stupidity, we cut over to Leigh, who is whispering to the young woman on his lap, "Why don't we savage a few people and then go suck on each other?" Yeah, a Christmas miracle, this guy is.
Howard then goes to make peace with Dr. Arden after their period of unpleasantness. He wants to celebrate the transition to this new era of Briarcliff. Across the room, Eunice calls Frank over to help her hang the star, while some orderlies wheel in a TV. Eunice happily tells the Monsignor that she is going to show the patients "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" tonight. "What a treat," Howard declares. Well, he can't be wrong all the time.
Christmas Song: "Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)"
Somewhere in dreamland, Kit Walker brings home a Christmas tree for a very pregnant Alma. Even in his dreams, Kit's a bit of a dummy, of course -- those branches with the long, thin needles will never support ornaments! Kit and Alma start talking about the baby. Kit is sure it will be a boy, one he can teach baseball and football.
"...And how to change a tire," says a voice that's not Alma's. Suddenly, he's standing with Grace. He hugs her and says he's sorry for getting her killed and everything. She's all, "who cares?" about it, which is a really positive attitude, and they dance. And kiss.
Back in Briarcliff, Killjoy Lana tries to wake him up. He's still sleeping, but she tells him that she heard the police are still conducting a manhunt for him. She realizes that if the police are still looking for him, that means nobody has told them about her and Thredson either. "No one is coming for either of us, and he's still out there." Kit finally wakes and calls out for Grace. Lana says she doesn't know where Grace is. He does -- she's dead. Poor Lana. One less person to trust, tenuous as their relationship was.
Lana determines they both have to get out and unhooks his IV bag. He laments that they're gonna electrocute him, but she assures him she won't let that happen. She knows he was innocent -- it was Thredson all along. Kit WTFs at that for a moment, as Lana tells him about the murders, her abduction, and how Thredson weaseled his way into obtaining Kit's confession. Kit's like, "So you're saying he's...not a doctor?" Lana says they need to get to the police and have them find Thredson before he kills again or destroys the evidence. Kit's head is all fuzzy, though. He's not even sure if Lana is really there. She says she is, and she promises to come back. Is she going to watch "Rudolph"? I wouldn't blame her.
After the break, Arden lets Sister Jude into Briarcliff through the bakery. She asks about Eunice, and he tells her she's in the common room, hosting the Christmas party. Sister Jude: "She should be stopped for that reason alone." She tells Arden that she's the only person who can reach Eunice -- she only needs time. She instructs him to bring Eunice to her office, lock the door and don't let anybody interrupt. He agrees. She tells him she never thought she'd see the day they'd work together. He looks at her like he wishes she'd quit calling attention to it.
At the party, Frank is setting up the ladder so he can place the Star of Razors atop the three. Monsignor Howard pulls Eunice aside to flatter her some more, and she asks him to stick around for the star-placing. He has to be somewhere else, though. Placing a fox in charge of a chicken coop somewhere, no doubt. He takes her by the hand -- I've decided he's a very purposeful flirt -- and bids her adieu.
Meantime, one of the orderlies goes to fetch the star for Frank, who's atop the ladder, but it's missing. Suddenly, Leigh emerges from behind the tree with it in his hand. He pushes the ladder over, toppling Frank, and pounces on him, with the intent to stab him with the star. Only two orderlies tackle him before he can do so. Frank gets the upper hand now and starts beating on Leigh. "Two steps forward, one step back," Devil Eunice tells the Monsignor, weary of it all. Eunice tells Frank to take Leigh back to solitary, which he will gladly do. Dr. Arden then approaches her and says there is an argent matter that needs her attention. At which point, she backhands him, all, "I'M THE DEVIL, YOU MORON! I KNOW THINGS ARE HAPPENING." No, she doesn't, but still.
Elsewhere, Lana finds a room with a telephone in it and goes to call the police. Only the camera is pretty tightly focused on her, so obviously we're about to see someone behind her. It's Thredson, back in his nerdy Dr. Buttinsky uniform. He advances on her, then says the greatest terrible line in all of onscreen villainy: "Hope you weren't planning on making a toll call." AAAHAHAHAHA. "Hope you weren't planning in dialing outside this area code." "Hope you weren't expecting the switchboard operator to be overly chatty." "Hope you weren't counting on the phone cord not to be all tangled up, to the point where you have to, like, unplug it from the receiver just to unwind it." Zachary Quinto, may your tortured line readings never change.
Meanwhile, Frank is locking Leigh up in solitary, and seems pretty happy to do so. Upon locking the door, however, he finds Devil Eunice behind him. She asks if Leigh gave him any trouble, and he says no. Eunice: "I think he did." Then she SLASHES his throat open with a straight razor (NOT, the tree star, which is kinda bullshit). And, look, "I think he did" is kind of a shitty kill line, too, but Lily Rabe delivers that shit with disturbing ease. Lee stares at Eunice from the food-tray slot in his door, as she rehearses her story about not knowing how a straight razor got into the building, and she hopes it's not a rampage. At the sight of criminal insanity even greater than his own, Leigh just laughs and laughs.
Sister Jude is in her office, praying for the strength to be able to rescue Mary Eunice's soul. But when the door opens, it's not her demon-possessed protégé who enters, but a nightmare of her past: Leigh Emerson. Santa suit and all. "I'm here to open my present," he declares joyfully. Way too joyfully.
Outside the office, Devil Eunice locks the door. Tight. (Somehow I doubt Sister Jude and Leigh are about to have a kiki, though. Wouldn't it be fantastic if they did?) We see that Eunice is joined by a very complicit Dr. Arden. "I trust now my loyalty is no longer in question?" he asks her. Evil! Wicked! No mercy for him when the aliens come to lay waste to this whole corrupt institution! (Inside, Sister Jude informs Leigh that a kiki is a party for calming all your nerves.)
After the break, with a haunting piano playing "Carol of the Bells" on the soundtrack, Leigh greets Sister Jude with a sinister "Ho Ho Ho." She rattles at the locked door and calls for help while he fondles the letter opener on the desk. He informs her that that "sexy little nun" really does seem to have it out for her, like, Sister Jude is well aware, friend. He accuses Jude of leaving him in the hole to rot, and she's like, "Well, you're out now, so all's well that ends well! Hey, wanna pray?" He does not. Instead, he starts talking about his incredibly violent and sexual intentions towards her, and it's really too creepy to get into. Trust that McShane delivers these lines with gusto and grime. He punches at her while she screams for help, and outside, Devil Eunice can barely suppress a giant smile. She smirks at Arden and assumes this offends his "delicate sensibilities." But he just says he finds it all "rather tedious" and asks to excuse himself.
Giving that scene competition for more predatory is Dr. Thredson bearing down on Lana. He tells her the details of her car accident were in all the papers, characterized as an escaped mental patient being returned to her rightful asylum. He tells her that since she left, he's been "in mourning." She made him kill Bloody Face, after all. Made him dispose of all the evidence of him from his house. (R.I.P. Nipple Lamp. I think I'll miss you most of all.) Lana defiantly (if, you know, stupidly) tells him that she's still a witness to his depravity. Of course, he says, she's totally unreliable, what with taking up residence in the loony bin and all. He was going to just leave it at that, but he says that she betrayed him. "You made me give you my intimacy," he says, grossly, and for that she must pay. He rambles on a bit more about being adrift since she left him, only now he realizes that he was a phoenix all along, and blah blah blah. Get busy killing or get busy shutting the fuck up, Ollie. He finally declares his intention for Lana's skin to be the start of a whole new Bloody Face, at which point she starts screaming again. He goes to drag her out, but he opens the door to a clanging blow from Kit. Every door in this place has a person waiting behind it with a weapon. It's in the charter.
Leigh continues to menace Sister Jude, with her begging him to realize that she's not the enemy. He throws her at the wall, and she bangs into the cane cabinet, opening it. Leigh is struck by memories of his abuse at the hands of Sister Jude and her cane. "My welts never healed," he tells her, what with never being allowed out for sunlight, medicine, or even simple bathing. He was in that hole for a solid year, and the wounds putrefied, seeping pus now. (Sorry for that description, but if I have to have it in my head, so do you.) He bends Jude over her desk and begins whipping her, reminding her that she once told him that she was "softening him up" to that God wouldn't have to work so hard to enter him with his light. Okay, gross, Jude. Leigh declares that there is no God. But there is a Santa Claus. And he's dishing out retribution, it looks like.
Meanwhile, Lana begs Kit to let her kill Thredson, but he stops her. They need him. He's the only thing standing between Kit and the electric chair. Solid point. Lana, however, has another lingering question: why is there still a manhunt for Kit? Why hasn't Briarcliff turned him in to the authorities? Um, because the show already worked so hard to get him back here once?
Elsewhere, Dr. Arden pushes Grace's body down the tunnel toward the incinerator. Suddenly, there's that telltale buzzing, followed by the telltale blinding light, followed by the telltale flashes of creepy long limbs. It's abducting time! Unfortunately, it's not Dr. Arden who's taken up to the ship to be in the receiving end of experimental procedures for once; no, it's merely Grace, who has disappeared once all the buzzing and lights are gone. Guess whatever purpose they had for her doesn't end with her human death. Be seeing you soon wrapped in plastic, hon!
Back to Leigh, who is all sorts of ready to rape Sister Jude because rape is an unfortunate theme this season. He descends upon her, but we see moments ago that she grabbed that letter opener when he bent her over the desk. Now, she plunges that letter opener into Leigh's neck and stops the assault. He rolls to the floor, bleeding out, while she looks wild-eyed and lucky to have survived.
Finally, Lana and Kit drag Thredson into a junk room and camouflage him with mattresses because that's the kind of tactical brilliance we're dealing with here. Kit assures Lana that no one ever checks this room, and Thredson is bound and gagged, so I guess everything's fine? Everything's fine! Kit takes off to return to his bed so no one will get suspicious, while Lana crouches down to inform Thredson: "One day, I'll bury you."
week: Catherine Martin shrugs off the PTSD of her time in Buffalo Bill's pit of despair and tries to find out what makes Dylan Face tick. I bet it's murder!
Joe R would like Ian McShane to play a charismatic labor leader in some cable network's historical fiction about the rise of unions. Get on that, someone! He can be reached for lavish praise and nothing but at joseph.reid21@gmail.com.