You know, I'm sitting here on a rainy Saturday afternoon with a bowl of coffee and a freshly lit American Spirit, and my brain is still fried from last night's PS2 extravaganza over at Wedge's. I mean, five hours of "Onimusha" and "Zone of Enders" and "SSX" and then a new game called "Cookies and Cream"...I can't see straight. I still have my glasses on and I've only been awake for two hours. I think I left my lungs on Wedge's classic garage-sale sofa along with my left retina.
I tell you all this not so you'll think to yourselves, "Wow, that Regina's a bigger geek than we ever imagined," but to clue you in on one simple thing: this recap may be a little weirder than usual. That's all. There may be frequent flights of fancy and intermittent sidebars that have absolutely nothing to do with the recap itself. I cannot stop this. I've been deeply saturated in several make-believe 3-D worlds for the past five days and I'm not sure I've returned to the planet we know as Earth quite yet. Be patient. And get me some more coffee.
The kitchen of Casa de Morgan. Pops "I'm Not Evil, I'm Just Drawn That Way" Morgan is casually chatting about his mother and her visit to the gynecologist. "That's fuckin' disgusting," spits Mouth. "Grandma visits a gynecologist? Why would you even mention that? Especially at the dinner table?" Pops tries to reasonably explain to Morgan that you don't stop seeing doctors when you get older; in fact, you have to see them even more frequently. But, see, this isn't why Morgan's aghast/disgusted/disturbed. See, he's of the mind that there hasn't been much action in Grandma's, er, "area", so what's the point of going to see an, ahem, "area" doctor? Pops says that women go to see gynecologists whether there's action or not.
And that's when Morgan's mother completely loses her mind and giggles fanatically like Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane. Morgan takes this opportunity to phone 911 and have his all-too-frightening mother committed to the local psychiatric hospital.
I wish.
And on to the montage/theme/students-I-don't-know section. As the title of this episode would suggest, the central vein of this week's ep is "Home Is Where The Heart Is; Or, At Least, It's Where You Have a Bed And A Toothbrush And Cable TV."
Allie tells us that home is what you want it to be. Home is where you want it to be. Home is where your dog is. Home is where your duvet is. Home is where -- shit, what's my address? Damn. I have no idea where home is. Better get a map...
It would seem that, for Allie, home is really where her mother is. Whether they're crying/screaming/laughing/throwing things/kicking the dog. Unfortunately, Allie's other home is where her father is. Never mind that her father is a cheating, lying, shoe-buying, other-woman-impregnating dicksmack.
"I found out, two days ago, that my dad is getting married," Allie says. There's one word you're forgetting in that sentence, darlin'. And that word is "AGAIN." He's getting married AGAIN. To the woman he cheated on your mother with. "Again" is not a long word, Allie, but in this case, it speaks volumes. "This is kind of a problem," she continues, "and actually a wonderful thing at the same time." Dude. Nuh-uh. No way. No, my father never cheated on my mother; nor did he ever leave her for another woman. So, you know, I can't really relate to Allie on an empathetic level, but...I'm not so sure I would be able to refer to my father's upcoming re-nuptials as "wonderful." I'd be more likely to refer to my father's upcoming re-nuptials as "a major travesty" and then tell my father he's a shit and then go, you know, get some coffee or something.
Speaking of which, where's that coffee I asked you to get me? Huh? I'd like a little service around here. Hank4's off playing golf (in the rain…hee hee...fuckstick) and I have no one to wait on me. So you'd better get off your asses and get me that coffee. Pronto. Before I have you killed.
Philanderer's Palace. The Other Woman is busy making her special pierogies for Allie while Father Fickle carts around his secondary offspring. Allie gets along with The Other Woman, and this really impresses me because I know for a fact that I'd be spray-painting her clothing and knifing her tires without a second thought. Allie tells us that it's hard for her, because she constantly gets put in the position of having to choose between her parents, a statement which just about every child of divorce can relate to.
Hallowed Halls of High School. Kaytee and Scooter are discussing Scooter's inclusion in Kaytee's little coffeehouse band. "You won't let me play for you," says Scooter. "You don't wanna, like, commit," says Kaytee. "You have a problem with commitment." Get it? The whole show is about home and parents and divorce and COMMITMENT. See? See how the editors neatly wrapped the theme around the existing footage? SEE?
Some other day (I know this because Kaytee's wearing an entirely different outfit and Scooter's nowhere to be found), Koffeehouse Kaytee is jamming with a bongo player and some Dungeons & Dragons drummer. And don't email me all, "Dude! Don't knock Dungeons & Dragons, okay? D&D rocks! In fact, me and my friend Scuz are playing it right now. Dude -- you're an ogre. You don't have any special powers yet. No, you can't cast the spell of Undying Bad Taste. That doesn't even exist. DUDE!" I'm serious. This kid just looks like one of those guys who locks himself in his parents' basement with eight pair of dice and two of his pimply friends and emerges, twenty years later, to become a writer for The X-Files. See? Even D&D kids grow up right. I'm just sayin'.
Yet another day (see above parentheses), Kaytee's strumming away in her bedroom and, um, what's with her hair? It's all short and pixie-ish. That's okay and everything, but wasn't it longer and in a ponytail in the scene? What day is this? Or, I should say, "what year"? One second she's got long hair, the it's short? The hell? Anyway, Kaytee tells us that she's got this coffeehouse gig and she's furiously figuring out what to play. I kind of dig the song she's just written. It's very Ani DiFranco-ish, which, I guess, is sort of what Kaytee's shooting for. Then the Mother of Anti-Destiny enters, bearing plates of bizarre nourishment. As far as I can tell, there's, like, a slab of cheese, some fruit, some crudités, and a tub of dip. What, are we at a cocktail party here? It's Kaytee's room, not Pops for Champagne. Kaytee instructs the Mother of Anti-Destiny to leave immediately, because she has to concentrate and her mother's garbled tentacle-like aura distracts her from her purpose.
In an interview, Kaytee postulates that your environment shapes what you think. If that's the case, Kaytee most likely thinks that the shorter she cuts her hair, the less chance she'll have of becoming a parrot-chattering freaknut with upper-arm cellulite. Cut away, Kaytee, if you think that'll help.
Then we're at a basketball game, which really looks like a practice because there's absolutely no one in the stands. Whose game is this? Who are they watching? Does Kaytee have a brother? Both her parents are there. Why? WHY? And Kaytee has a father? I thought she was just a manifestation of all those acid trips her mother took in the late sixties. And Kaytee's hair is long again. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Dude. DUDE. Get the pod. Get it! Press circle. Press circle! You're never going to power up the sword without the pod. Jesus! What are you doing?! Oh, man. Gimme the controls. Lemme show you how it's really done.
Sorry.
Kaytee tells us that her family has pretty much collapsed. It's easy to see this because her parents are sitting so far apart that they may as well be on different continents. Then the game (or whatever) is over, and Kaytee's dad (whom we will now refer to as "Nick Nolte," or "Nolte" for short, because he looks just like that character that Nolte played in Down And Out In Beverly Hills, which isn't really a good thing because, you know, that character was a filthy bum) just walks off without her or her mother or her imaginary basketball-playing sibling.
In Kaytee's car, she's telling us that her parents are always talking about getting a divorce and she's all, like, whatever. She's lost patience with all the "we're getting a divorce, we're not getting a divorce, we're getting a divorce" conversations that seem to occur on a monthly basis at her house. "In some ways," she says, "it's just like, 'Do it already!' I mean, god!" Amen, sister. Any parents that "stay together for the kids" or some such shit should really just suck it up and call the lawyers. Divorce, no matter how sad, is way better than sticking it out interminably in a bad marriage.
The Morgan Mobile. Morgan's fighting for his right to have his mangy friends over for a jam session. Pops is not having it. His little bro has a constitution test on Thursday, and he needs the time to study. "I want to have a great relationship with my parents," says Morgan in a VO, "like I used to; like with my dad and stuff. But it's like, so many times he gets on my nerves. Like, he doesn't understand." Pops thinks that Morgan can have his jam session at a friend's place. Morgan argues that they did that a while ago, but since Pops stopped letting Morgan take his drum set out of the house, it doesn't seem feasible to have the jam session anywhere else. Pops declares the drum ban lifted, and Morgan reminds himself to send his psycho mother a bundle of flowers at the booby-hatch right after he's kicked out the jams with Bobo and Chit, his compatriots of cacophony.
Morgan Mansion. Morgan trudges up the stairs and pays a visit to his dying cat, Earl, who is lying on a bed in the dark. Morgan has a really sweet conversation with the cat wherein he asks about the cat's day and asks him how he's feeling. Morgan just gets better and better with every viewing. No, I'm not being facetious. And get me my coffee.
Over at Allie's place, she's telling us that the divorce was really hard on her mother and that she told her mother about her father's impending wedding. Her mother, understandably perhaps, freaked out. As Allie's mother glares at her in the living room, Allie tells us that she finds herself at a loss. "I wanna sit there and say, 'You know what? You're right. He fucked up. It's his fault and screw him.'" In her own interview, Allie's mother tearfully says, "Family is very important to me. You try to give your kids everything and, when you take that away, that's it for the rest of their life and you can't do anything about it." "She doesn't deserve this," says Allie. "This is not her fault. And, um, it's not mine either. She's hurting. I'm hurting. Our relationship has been strained. And there's nothing that I can do." Word.
Morgan's Den of Iniquity. Our hero is playing with his happy hutch of hamsters. Morgan originally just got a male hamster. Morgan must not have checked the jewels out on this rodent, because the day after he got it, it energetically gave birth to a litter of mini-rodents. While his parents were none too pleased about the acquisition of a single hamster, they were over-the-top pissed when it gave birth. I don't know why. A male hamster giving birth? That's a goddamn miracle as far as I'm concerned. Send this one to National Enquirer, Morgan. They pay highly for this sort of crap.
Morgan then pulls out a little hamster that he calls "Stumpy" because it's only got three legs. He loves Stumpy the best, it would seem. It's really cute how much Morgan loves this thing. Really cute.
Somewhere in the heart of Highland Park. Allie's apparently decided to attend Father Fickle's sham of a wedding. In a VO, Allie says that if she went to her father's wedding, her mother would be angry, but if she didn't go, her father would be angry. In an interview, her mother says, "It's real hard for me that Allie has a relationship with...THEM. It's like condoning everything that he did." Yeah, I'm pretty sure that that's how I'd feel too. It may not be right, but that's how I'd feel if I were her. Allie says that she can't cut her father out of life. She told her mother that it's okay if she doesn't accept it, but she can't make Allie feel guilty for it. I actually agree with Allie on this one. Like I said, it may not be right to feel like Allie's deserting her or condoning her father's actions, but it's also not right to make your child feel guilty for wanting to be with her father. Regardless of whether or not he's a cheating buttlick.
Kaytee's then telling us in a voice-over that she doesn't believe in the institution of marriage. Why should she? Nolte and the Mother of Anti-Destiny haven't set a very good example, now, have they? "It just seems like marriage is doomed to fail," she says. "You get bored with each other after awhile. Or you decide you don't really like each other after you grow apart. I really don't think there's a point." Totally. I am SO there with you, Kaytee. This is really not the time or the place for me to describe my feelings and attitudes toward marriage but, you know, yeah, marriage sucks, and yeah, I really don't see the point. And that sort of thing. Right?
Dude! Grab the board! Use the L1 key! You get more boost power when you do tricks! Oh, come on! You're not going any faster. Don't hit the tree! YOU HIT THE TREE! What are you DOING? Gimme the controls. Lemme show you how it's done. God, you suck.
Scooter's Vehicle o' Lurve. "I said I might wanna get married, but I don't wanna get married," says Kaytee, sucking on her Mickey D's soda. "You will get married," says Scooter. "To me! TO ME! You are mine, Koffeehouse Kaytee! Face up to the reality! We are destiny!" Kaytee doesn't hear this last part, because it's all in Scooter's twisted skull. Kaytee just protests that she doesn't want to get married. "Why would I do something that I don't want to do?" she queries. "You don't want to do it now, but you will," says Scooter. "You will because I WILL MAKE YOU. You are my guitar-strummin' goddess of goodness, Koffeehouse Kaytee. I will have you. Or no one else will." Once again, completely inaudible to Kaytee, who just responds, "You're such a jerk! Maybe I'm not like everyone else. You just assume that everyone gets married. Everyone smokes. Maybe we should just take up smoking. You know, to BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. We should just smoke and get married." Well, when you put it that way...
Morgan's Transport Of Tyranny. Morgan's dad wants to know what his homework situation is for the evening. Morgan informs him that he'll probably watch The Color Purple again. Why? Because he's studying overwrought dramas that span character lifetimes? Do they even have a class for that? What is it, "The Study and Analysis of the Peak of Whoopi Goldberg's Career"? Damn. Why didn't I have that class in high school? I would have passed with honors, dude. And this is where Pops "I'm Not Insensitive, I'm Just Without Anima" Morgan says, "Oh, some of your hamsters went to new homes today." Morgan's all, "WHAAAAAT?!" Pops tells him that his mother, who has obviously escaped from the loony bin, took the hamsters to Lake Forest to dispense with some of them. The hell? Without even asking the boy? Or telling him? And why Lake Forest? Because they have an excellent school system and a Baby Gap? "You didn't even let me give them away or say goodbye to them," Morgan snaps. "Well, they left you a note," Pops snidely remarks with a smirk. What a fucking asshole. I mean, really. Was this at all discussed? Did Morgan have any inkling about this potential plan? And why is his father being all rude and shit?
Morgan's dealing with this as best he can. If by "best" you mean "getting extremely pissed off at his whack-job of a mother for taking away his pets." Morgan's particularly concerned that Psycho Mom gave away Stumpy, his pride and joy. He checks the cage, and it seems that there isn't even one hamster remaining. Then he's on the phone, ostensibly to Psycho Mom, demanding that she get Stumpy back. He gets off the phone and says to his father, "What, is she fucking selling them out of her office?" "Excuse me," says Pops. "Can you do me one favor and stop saying 'fuck' in every single sentence when you're talking to me?" Morgan starts to leave as Pops tells him to come home right after class, and he and his mother can duke it out about the hamster situation then. Yeah, or Morgan could just come home after class and tie his mother up and stick her head in the oven. I wouldn't put it past him. Nor would I blame him.
Drake Hotel/Wedding of Potential Doom and Destruction. Allie and her brother (!) hang out in the hotel prior to the sham event. Where are all of these miraculous brothers coming from? First Kaytee, and now Allie? Do they hold them in reserve for extra-special difficult and awkward moments? Are they, like, kept in storage? I wouldn't mind that, actually. I could just keep my fictional brother Henry down in my storage locker to the washer and dryer, and pull him out only when I need him to kick Hank4's ass or help me install my air conditioner. That would rule. ["Dude, you should start a business. Brothersforrent.com or something." -- Sars]
"It's hard for my mom," says Allie. "She sees that my dad's just so happy and she's struggling and she knows that he is the one who did something wrong and she wasn't..." Of course he's happy. He got a mistress. He got a divorce. He's getting married. He's got both his kids there. What does her mother have? An apartment in Fort Sheridan, too much eyeliner, and a daughter and son who deem it okay to attend their cheating father's wedding? She got the short end of the stick in this situation. I'd be struggling too. I'd be struggling not to hire a professional hit man to take that fucker down.
As the sham proceeds, Allie tells us that her parents were a bona-fide love story, and that her father always told her how wonderful her mother was. Allie cries as she watches the sham continue. Oh, no. The vows. "To love and to cherish," repeats Father Fickle, "until death do us part." Hey, new Mrs. Father Fickle? I'd pay close attention here to that whole "until death do us part" portion of the vows. Is Allie's mother still breathing? Does she have a pulse? Yeah, and yeah, and you will too when this philandering fuckhead leaves you, sweetie. Watch your back.
"It hurt me tremendously that they went," says Allie's mother. "For them to be there, to accept that, was real hard for me." As Allie and her father dance at the reception, she tells us, "I'm so sick and tired of having to, like, fight. I don't think she was really moving on because it's too hard for her." Or because her ex-husband's a fuckwick.
"I leave my house," says Morgan after the non-commercial, "and nothing's the same. I have hamsters one minute and the minute they're gone. Stuff never ceases in that house." Morgan then enters his house and calls out to his dad, inquiring about Earl the Cat. In the study, Pops quietly informs Morgan that his mother stuck around that morning and eventually called the vet, and that Earl has "gone off to the happy hunting ground." Now, I now he's not trying to be cruel here, but that little "happy hunting ground" comment could have been excluded from his announcement, don't you think? "What?" Morgan says softly. "He's gone," says his father. Morgan wants to know where he was put to sleep and why, and his father tells him that Earl was really old and really sick and he wasn't going to get any better. "You gonna be okay?" Morgan asks. "I'm okay," says Pops. "I was really sad earlier but, uh, I've been down this road several times before. That's the trouble with outliving your pets. So my suggestion to you and Duncan is give all the other guys an extra pet today in honor of old Earl." Morgan then wants to know how the vet put him down. His dad explains it. "Are you okay with it?" he wants to know. "There's not much I can do, is there?" Morgan morosely responds. "No, there's nothing you can do about it except have a good thought." Then Morgan's lying on his bed with Mama Hamster.
You know, I realize that I make all sorts of bickering comments about these kids and this show and I know it's all funny and stuff, but I can't really say a damn thing right now. This entire scene has me all farklempt. I'm thinking about Samantha, my Lab; Tijuana, my stray; Flutters, my parakeet; Babe, my hamster. I'm thinking about how I can't even keep a houseplant alive anymore. I can't even get a fish because, you know, they're so not cuddly and they don't sit on the sofa with you and they don't wag their tails when you come home and, oh god, I think I need a Xanax.
Koffeehouse Kaytee's Homestead of Unhappiness. Kaytee walks up to the stairs and lies down on them on her belly. "Are you gonna go?" says Kaytee to her mother, who is apparently so embroiled in reorganizing her love bead collection that she doesn't hear her daughter. "Mom?" Kaytee asks, trying to break through the purple haze. "Tonight?" her mother dippily asks. Yes, tonight, you frizzy-haired fruitnut. Remember? The whole coffeehouse gig? WAKE UP AND SMELL THE MILLENNIUM.
Kaytee's mother asks if Kaytee wants her to attend. Duh. Kaytee's father whispers that he'll be there. Great. Call the press. Like we care. "I'd really appreciate if both of you could come!" Kaytee exasperatedly spits. As we watch her carry her guitar into the coffeehouse, she tells us in a VO that her dad really wants to leave, but her mom doesn't want him to. Kaytee goes through her gig, and she's really adorable (and her hair, once again, is short -- whatever). The place is packed with friends and family, and both her parents are there, beaming at her proudly. The only drawback? Pablo's in the corner, dancing like an epileptic with a bi-polar disorder. On first viewing, I thought he was making fun of Kaytee and dancing was his way of protesting her music. After a couple of rewinds, however, I noticed that he was singing along. So, you know, even though I want him to NEVER dance in front of me again, I can't fault him for enjoying himself and for supporting Kaytee.
There's a little insert here of Kaytee, with her forehead cut off and just her left eye and her mouth visible, the bottom portion of her face and neck swaddled in some bright red fabric. It must be said that this is a fabulous shot. Did she do this herself? It's really cool. Anyway, she says, "There are some people who can stay married and can stay happy but, honestly? I don't think that a lot of people are people like that. And I don't think that I'm that kind of person." I just can't get over this shot. She should be a director. Seriously.
In the car on the way home, Kaytee's high on the success of her show. She's giggling and sticking out her tongue and chattering away. In the Car of Non-Divorcing-Yet-Unhappy Parents, the Mother of Anti-Destiny is going on about how wonderful Kaytee was. Nolte mumbles that his daughter loves to be in the spotlight. He sounds drunk. In the back of the car, MAD says, "It wouldn't be fair to split up the family. Isn't that what you think?" "So far," says Nolte. Way to be enthusiastic, Chief. "Just as long as the kids are happy," she responds, "I guess I can do another three years. It's gonna be hard. Not having that girl in my house." Man, this is just pathetic. "Happy"? Her kids are "happy"? Not that I've noticed. You wander around the house in a fugue state, kibitzing with parrots and serving your daughter brie, and your husband wears bad ties and doesn't shave and tries to stay as far away from your craziness as possible. Yeah, I think that familial environment is a total recipe for happiness. Really. Not to mention, "kids"? What kids? Where's this phantom other child? In her head? No wonder Nolte wants to leave.
CUT THE CORD, MOTHER OF ANTI-DESTINY. You aren't doing anyone any favors by sticking out a loveless and lifeless marriage. Let Nolte go. He's got dumpsters to go through and wealthy Beverly Hills families to infiltrate. And you've got endless hours of birdhouse repartee to occupy yourself with. Cut it. CUT THE CORD.
Over at Allie's, she's entering the apartment as she tells us that she thinks her mother could be happy if she just could get over the pain and move on with her life. In her mother's bathroom, Allie's trying to cheer her mother up by filming her in the mirror. "You're not gonna get me to be happy," says Sadsack Mary, "so get outta here!" "Come on!" Allie shouts. "Play with me!" "I'm not gonna play!" Sadsack Mary responds. "Play!" shouts Allie infectiously. "Okay," Sadsack Mary gives in. "One little dance."
As Allie and her mother dance in slo-mo around the living room, Allie's VO tells us that she is seventeen and she's felt such pain. "But, even though I have this huge cloud that's sometimes over me more than others," she says, "I've learned so much. Growing stronger and because I've felt such deep pain, I've really been able to understand pure joy."
Sniff. Sniff.
"Hello, Mom? Hi. It's me. Your daughter. Regina, your daughter. Okay, Mom. That's so funny. That's just hilarious. I'm an only child. I get the joke. Oh, never mind. No, I'm not crying. Forget it. I just wanted to say that I love you, but now you've ruined it by making fun of me. Whatever. No reason. I need a reason to say 'I love you'? No, I'm not pregnant, Mom. Shut up. Okay. Fine. I'm gonna go take a butter knife to my wrists now. Thanks for the giggle. Yeah, yeah. I love you too. Go back to painting glasses or chairs or whatever it is you do. Remind me never to call you again on a rainy day after no sleep and too many video games and a recap that makes me cry, okay? Love you. Bye."
week: Kaytee's off to China for some band thing. That's pretty much all I got from the -week stuff. Seriously. I'm not just being lazy.