Angst and anger. Fears and frustrations. Sex and, well, sex. Drugs and, oooh, is that vodka left over from the party we had last week? WHOO!
Welcome back to American High, people.
For those of you not in the know, American High originally ran on the Fox Network last summer. For. Four. Episodes. Bastards. Swooping in like Florence Nightingale on three hits of acid, PBS picked up the show and is now, as we speak, running with it.
We pick up where we left off. You know, following desperate and scared high-school students around a tony North Shore educational establishment while they try to figure out their futures (or lack thereof); watching them make out in basements and bedrooms and contemplate having sex but then remembering that there are, like, TEN CAMERAS on them; witnessing horrific and completely uncalled-for parental behavior that has, on occasion, forced me to pick up the Yellow Pages and let my fingers do the walking right over to the Child Welfare Department and drop a dime on one or two morons...you know, fun stuff like that.
And now, without further delay, I bring you American High...
We come upon guitar-strummin' Kaytee, doing her thang in the hallway again, with the googly-eyed Scott gazing at her dreamily. In a voice-over, Kaytee says, "Everyone's all, 'Oh, Kaytee, you're going to be famous,' 'cuz I write a lot of songs." She hits some power chords on her acoustic, and Scott dramatically places his hand over his heart and falls over to the side as if to say, "Kaytee...your music-lovin' ways pluck my heart-strings...please...please...allow me to lick your sternum." Dude. Get a ROOM. And then get some Astroglide and a Penthouse and STOP LOOKING AT HER LIKE THAT, MAN! It is OOKING ME OUT.
Thank God we move on to meet Pablo, a Dorothy-Hamill-bowl-cut-sporting young man who, for the entire summer, had difficulty finding out what "home" was. Hey. Pablo. It's that place where someone else pays your bills and does your laundry and makes sure you eat something other than Sugar Smacks for every meal. Then Pablo's hugging some smaller, chubbier version of him and saying how the only reason he ever came home was to tuck in his little sister. That's sweet and sad and all, but I'm too busy wondering whether he's trying to look like her or vice versa. Whatever, because all of a sudden, Kaytee's burgeoning breasts are being attacked by some invisible jacketed creature and --
Um. Hello? A damn Coke commercial? Before I can tell what someone's doing to Kaytee's burgeoning breasts? That hardly seems fair. And what the hell is PBS doing with commercials anyway? Even if they are relatively tasteful and nicely executed -- I thought being a PUBLIC BROADCASTING station meant they didn't HAVE to have commercials. Whatever. I'm going to get more ice for my drink...
When we return from commercial, we're greeted by those familiar white-on-black words, and I think it's Pablo who's giving us a little VO action as he tells someone that he doesn't have any money for some show he's going to see that night, and then some other voice (male? female? Annie Lennox during her "Sweet Dreams Are Made of This" phase?) says something about turning tricks on the street, and then the screen fades up and Pablo's sitting on the trunk of some car with a girl that gives new meaning to the term "grrrrrl" and who apparently picked up where Tank Girl left off. They're chatting, and you'd think they were continuing on from the aforementioned VO conversation, but they're not, because Pablo says, "You know I'm gonna be grounded forever and ever and ever and ever and ever --" and that has nothing at all to do with the "tricks" conversation we were just privy to, unless, you know, he might be grounded for turning tricks, but I think it might be more likely that, you know, he might GO TO JAIL. "Oh, whadda you care?" says Lori Petty, Jr. "Like you ever listen to your mother?"
, we see Pablo clomping up the steps of a small clapboard house that we can only assume is his "home" (whatever that means, right, Pablo?). P's mom bemusedly chews him out about borrowing her car three hours ago, even though he said it would be an hour. "No, it was not three hours ago," Pablo argues softly. His mom just smiles at him and says, "Eh, you left before three?" Pablo, realizing that it's after six p.m. and that, since he's not Superman, he is unfortunately incapable of reversing the earth's axis, thereby turning back time and getting his ass out of a sling, quietly agrees with his mother: "Okay, it was three hours ago." Pablo's mom is not half as pissed off as I'd be if my slacker son had borrowed my damn car and returned it three hours late. But then, as Hank4 has observed, I should really never have children.
Pablo then tells his mother that he has to go. The hell? He just got back from having the car for two hours longer than he was even supposed to, and now he has to run off again? Where? Does he have a Future Stockbrokers of America meeting he has to attend? I don't think so. Mama Pablo wants to know when he'll be back. He appears to ponder this question. "I'll be back by, like, eleven?" "Eleven? ELEVEN! BWA HA HA HA HA! Oh, that's a good one, Pablo! That's really funny. You're not going ANYWHERE until you clean this entire house from top to bottom. And then, when you're done with that, I want you to change your sister and put her to bed. After that, I want you to SIT RIGHT HERE and finish all of your homework -- right in front of me, mister! -- and then bake me a turkey potpie. When these tasks are complete, if you're not completely SPENT, you may leave the premises. BUT NOT ONE SECOND BEFORE." Okay, so she really says, "Okay, Pablo. Eleven. Today. Not eleven tomorrow." How sad is that? I almost don't have the heart to type it. She has to delineate the difference between eleven o'clock TODAY and eleven o'clock TOMORROW? What, is she insane? Pablo quotes Casanova in a voice-over: "Casanova's last words were, 'I regret nothing.' I think the man's a liar." Oh, man, I'm gonna smack him. Hard. With a pointy stick.
Quick! Fast forward through the edgy credit sequence! HURRY!
Then we're flipping quickly through various kids (including Puck Lite and Allie) talking about how they love their friends, but sometimes their friends annoy them and how they sometimes need more and blah dee blah dee blah...Kaytee comes onscreen and says, "A lot of people don't like me." I feel you, girl. Kaytee then makes an ugly face and wiggles her hands and says in a silly voice, "I can't understand why." I feel you times two, girl. 'Cuz I thought a lot of people didn't like me in high school, and the only way I could deal with it was by making fun of myself and throwing myself into plays and writing. Damn. I hate it when I identify with these kids...Brad then comes on and spouts some Brad-isms, followed by a girl I've never seen before talking about how her friends are getting really old and she's tired of them.
And then we're on to Pablo's very first complete segment. He's in the drop-in center, talking to some woman with a circa-Camelot knavish haircut going on. She's concerned that, last year, Pablo was involved with drugs. P-man's all, "The way I got mixed up in that...it's, like, strange, really. A favor of a favor of a friend..." Um. What? How's that? Like, "Dude. Do me a favor. Take this bag of pot and, you know, smoke it." How is doing drugs a "favor" to anyone? (I mean, of course, besides yourself -- drugs, especially over-the-counter cold medications, rock. And don't send me any emails berating me for my endorsement of drugs of any kind -- I'm a thirty-two-year-old adult woman with a massive head cold right now, and I just might come over there and sneeze on you. However, the combination of Sudafed Severe Cold Formula and Robitussin PE is forcing me to remain seated for the time being. Lucky you.) Little Lord Fauntleroy goes on to say that this so-called "drug involvement" has also been mentioned this year, so she knows that it's not something that's going away. P-man agrees. LLF wants to know if this is something Pablo's going to work on. Yeah. He's going to work on it, all right. He's going to go right out and work on that bong he made out of an empty can of Jolt. Pablo says, "Everyone needs to work on...everything...and moderation is Bacchus' first rule." Yeah. I'm gonna smack him.
"Who am I?" Pablo asks himself on-camera. "Top ten words, straight from the head. Melodramatic. Pseudo-intellectual. Poetically inclined. Hooligan." Um. Can he count? Or did the producers just cut him off before he could finish? 'Cuz, no matter how you count 'em, that number of words still don't add up to ten. In a hallway somewhere, Lori Petty Jr. is hollering, "PABLO!!!" as P-man molests some blonde chick on the stairwell. In a voice-over, we learn that Pablo's known Petty (a.k.a. "Lisa") for about two years and that, even though on the outside she may seem hostile and harsh, once you get to know her, you learn that a lot of things affect her.
Petty goes on to prove P-man right as she jocularly sits by and watches as P-man quits his job via cell-phone. "If it was up to Lisa," Pablo says in a VO, "all I would do, all day long, is hang out with her." Do you get health insurance with that job? What about a 401K? Pablo then says "I'm sorry" into the phone. "Why're you saying you're sorry?" Petty audibly asks. Then, while still on the phone, although whether Pablo's employer is still on the other end of the line is unknown, Pablo says, "There! We're all unemployed! We're going to be one big happy commune of unemployed people begging for change like you!" "Retard," says Petty, "you left mint alcohol in the fridge and my mother saw it!" Did I just miss something? What does mint alcohol have to do with unemployment? What the hell is she talking about? Did R.J. Cutler just go Bunim/Murray on my ass or what?
Pablo tells us in a voice-over that Petty doesn't get along with her mom, so she's been living with her grandfather, but her grandfather recently passed away. And, until some planned remodeling begins, the house is virtually empty, allowing Pablo and Petty to come and go as they please, sans parental supervision. So, basically, this is Pablo and Petty's "home" away from "home" (whatever that means, right, Pablo?). As P-man tidies and straightens up, he tells us that he and Petty each have keys to the place and they can do with it what they want, and he picks a pair of handcuffs up off the floor as his voice-over states, "We just try to avoid telling each other what we do." "Do"? With what? Handcuffs? I think we can all guess what you do with handcuffs, you dirty little monster. Naughty. Naughty!
Wow. I just slipped off into a land that should never, EVER, be visited again.
Pablo says that the one rule of the house is to leave things as you found them. "And even a small detail like a ring...or handcuffs on the floor...it's little things like that we have to remember in order to keep this place ours." Really? You mean Petty's mom might visit the house one day and notice something as eensy-weensy as HANDCUFFS ON THE FLOOR OF HER DEAD FATHER'S HOUSE? Handcuffs aren't "little," you doofus. Let me just put it this way: I've always preferred scarves to handcuffs -- not because they're softer or prettier, but because I DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN THEIR PRESENCE WHEN MY MOTHER COMES TO VISIT. Write this down.
As Pablo rambles up the sidewalk with a hiphugger-clad girl in tow, his VO says that he and Petty basically use the house to get away from their troubled family lives, and that it's "Kubla Khan's 'Dome of Paradise and Pleasure.'" Do you think I could get that printed on a t-shirt? Standing just inside the doorway of the house, the girl smirkingly looks on as Pablo opens up what I take to be a bedroom door; the front door of the house closes, forever shielding us from the fearful sight of Pablo attempting to have carnal knowledge of hiphugger girl.
The day (or any other day, really -- I have no idea what the timeline is supposed to be with this show), Pablo's up at a podium, reading one of his violence- and madness-soaked poems while other teen angsters look on in appreciation. Pablo finishes and Kaytee, who's been hanging out in the audience awaiting her turn, says, "No more razors!" Damn. Then my legs would get all hairy. Nobody wants that, least of all me. Ew.
We've now segued into Kaytee's latest up-close-and-personal as Kaytee bashes some cymbals together and Scott, a bespectacled youth that you just KNOW got the shit kicked out of him in high school but who is so intelligent and multi-talented that when it comes time for his high-school reunion he's going to be the only one with an over-flowing bank account AND a full head of hair, talks about how he's met most of his friends through the band, including Kaytee. As pictures of Kaytee play across the screen, her voice-over says, "I'm a pin-up girl for unrequited love. People that I love, don't know how much I really care for them." Okay, A) that first sentence is absolutely stunning and heartbreaking and B) I feel you, sister. I FEEL YOU! Amen. Hallelujah. Then we're on a close-up of Kaytee on her personal video camera, spluttering on in a Blair Witch-like monologue. Make. It. Stop. "It's two-thirty a.m., and I'm really scared," she bleats. Someone grabs the camera and off-screen says, "And Teddy's right here with her, keeping her alive," as the camera lands on an incredibly uncomfortable and humorless-looking young man. Awww, cheer up, li'l camper! Acne doesn't last forever. At least, facial acne doesn't. Mostly.
Down in a sub-basement somewhere, Scott's grilling Kaytee about her obvious Teddy-lust. During their conversation, two things become increasingly clear: 1) Kaytee definitely doesn't love Teddy and 2) Scott definitely doesn't love Kaytee. How do I know this? Because Kaytee keeps going, "No! NO! NO! Don't even! Nuh-uh. No way!" every time Scott presses her about liking Teddy. She so totally doesn't love Teddy. And Scooter? The deep crimson color of his cheeks and the fact that he just won't drop the subject of Teddy are primary indicators that Scott could give a rat's ass about Kaytee. Ever-present Scooter-boner notwithstanding.
In an interview, Scooter tells us that if a guy were to be romantic toward Kaytee, she wouldn't like it, and that a guy being a jerk toward her is much easier for her to deal with. It would seem that Teddy fits this description to a T. So then we see Teddy sitting at a computer somewhere (his room? Kaytee's room? Where in the hell are they?) while Kaytee warbles on behind him, trying to capture his attention with pointedly personal lyrics that Teddy is obviously too fucking stupid to understand. Kaytee describes Teddy as an insensitive jerk, but says that there's this "other thing" he apparently possesses. "He's so scared of opening up to people. He's, like, deathly afraid of it," she says.
Ring ring.
Kaytee: Desperately Sad Coffeehouse-Star Wannabe Central, Kaytee speaking, can I help you?
Regina: Hey, Kaytee, Regina here.
Kaytee: Oh, hi. What's up? Oh, by the way, I'm playing at the Starbucks on the corner of State and Division Thursday --
Regina: Uh, that's great, Kaytee, just great. Um. What the hell are you doing?
Kaytee: Whaddya mean? I'm just sitting here, strumming my guitar, watching Teddy mess around with the computer. Isn't he the cutest?
Regina: No. But that's not why I'm calling. What the hell are you doing slobbering all over a dumbass like that?
Kaytee: A dumbass? You mean Teddy? He's not a dumbass, he's just closed-off and confused. But I can open him up. I can be really good for --
Regina: Stop. Stop right there. Dammit, it's worse than I thought. Kaytee? Do you have a pen or pencil and a pad of paper?
Kaytee: Of course. I'm an aspiring starving artist with poetry for blood -- I am virtually SURROUNDED by pens and paper.
Regina: Well, I'm going to say something and I'm only going to say it once, so pay attention and write this down.
Kaytee: Ready.
Regina: YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM.
Kaytee: Huh?
Regina: I realize that this comes as quite a shock to you, being all of seventeen, and, seeing as I'm talking to the Kaytee who filmed this show about two years ago and you're really nineteen or twenty now, you've probably already learned this, but YOU CANNOT CHANGE MEN. YOU CANNOT FIX THEM. THEY ARE NOT AFTER-SCHOOL PROJECTS. IF THEY ARE ASSHOLES AT SEVENTEEN, ASSHOLES THEY WILL ALWAYS BE. Dude. You are not a repairman. You are a woman. And you deserve to be with someone who A) appreciates you for how fantastic and unusual you are and B) doesn't look like a retard in a baseball cap.
Kaytee: Wow. Thanks, Regina.
Regina: My pleasure.
Kaytee: I'll probably still pine after him for a while, but I do see your point. Thanks a lot. Oh, and did I mention that I'm playing at the Starbucks on the corner --
Regina: Bye, Kaytee.
Kaytee: -- I start at eight and there's gonna be free coffee for the first half hour --
Regina: Bye.
Kaytee: And Scott'll be there and Teddy and --
Over on Pablo's front lawn, the bowl-cut boy himself is arguing with the Mini-Pablo about his evening activities. It would appear that Mini-Pablo would like to participate in the nocturnal festivities, but Dr. Pablo doesn't think this would be a good idea. As Mini-Pablo sobbingly walks away, Dr. Pablo's voice-over informs us that his mother has been divorced twice so, "like, in [his] house, everyone has a different last name." Well, I would hope that at least two people have the same last name. Like, you and your mother or your mother and your sister. I mean, you and your sister might have different last names but, you know, if your mother was married to both your fathers...ooooh, cheese and crackers...mmmm...
Pablo & Petty's Passion Pit: Petty's going off on Pablo for leaving towels lying around the house -- her mother noticed them. "Your mom noticed them?" Pablo incredulously asks. They're towels, Pablo. They have matter. "How could she not?" Petty slurs. "No one's been here for months, supposedly." By the way, she says this as she's tacking posters up on a wall. Um, if no one's supposed to have been in the house for months, don't you think periodic additions of printed materials to previously blank walls might just attract attention? I'm just sayin'. Pablo then says that they really need a television, because otherwise they'll just end up talking to each other and stuff. Too bad you just quit that job, genius. Couple of months, you could have bought a TV for your den of iniquity. There goes that grand plan. Too bad for you.
In an interview, Pablo says that Petty doesn't really know about it, but he was having constant parties at the house for a while. She wasn't into parties because, well, she's a leper, but Pablo kept on having them because, well, he's an asshole. Then we see Dr. Pablo and a bunch of his slack-jawed homies lounging around the living room of the Passion Pit, discussing various alcoholic beverages. I hate every one of them. No, I don't need a reason. I just do.
day (week, year -- whatEVER), Dr. P's getting bawled out once again by Petty because, once again, he's had people over at the house and, once again, he hasn't left the house the way he was supposed to and, once again, he's totally unapologetic about it because, once again, he's an asshole. Pablo's VO tells us that he's discovered that the key to Petty's forgiveness for screwing up at the house is to just buy her a few presents. How's he going to do that without any money? GET. A. JOB. Oh, and in a little side note: they go to a toy store and, GASP, it's the toy store in my hometown of Lake Forest. No, I'm not lying. Yes, I got a little thrill out of seeing it. No, I'm not twelve.
After a little BK Double Broiler action, Pablo's talking about when he's going to dump a "Nicki" person. He doesn't think it's time to dump this person yet and asks Petty when she's going to dump a "Dan" person. THEY BOTH HAVE SIGNIFICANT OTHERS? I'm going to kill myself. I went through FOUR YEARS OF HIGH SCHOOL WITHOUT A SINGLE DATE. Well, except for Scott Russwick, but he doesn't count because he was dumber than a curtain rod and had squishy eyes. Still. I didn't get asked to the goddamn prom but these two morose idiots have boyfriends/girlfriends. Bleah. Anyway, Pablo suggests that they should both dump their neo-goth arm candy. Petty laughingly suggests that they do it on a double date. She's funny, that Petty. Funny like a punctured lung. Pablo then states that they should dump their people, get married, and live miserably ever after. To punctuate his statement, Petty morbidly dumps her fries all over Pablo's outstretched hand as if they're the scattered contents of her soul and he, only he, is the keeper. GodDAMN I hate kids like this. They have families, homes, EXTRA homes, cars, money, their health, and what? WHAT? WHAT ARE THEY BITCHING ABOUT? What in the HELL do they have to be sullen and dark about? Yes, I realize they may have real problems and that I should just keep my caustic tongue tampered down, but, you know what? GET A JOB. GET A VIEWPOINT. READ A BOOK. THINK OF BOSNIA. THEN THANK WHATEVER POWER YOU BELIEVE IN THAT YOU'RE ALIVE AND WELL AND LIVING IN HIGHLAND PARK. And then? Shut. Up.
Little mini-montage of various high-school couplings. Then Kaytee's back on-screen, telling us how much the high-school dating process sucks. Word. "I can't wait to get out of high school and live like a real person," she says, unaware that it doesn't change much, even when you're thirty-two and have been seeing the same person since last July but he still doesn't refer to you as his "girlfriend" because "traditional relationships" just don't work for him but this is the first time he's been "totally honest" with a girl and really, isn't that the most important thing and could you pass the chips when you get a chance?
But enough about me.
Later, Scooter is stroking Kaytee. No, not like THAT. They're filming themselves lounging around, and Scooter's using the famous "what would you do if a guy did this to you?" maneuver that basically allows him to touch Kaytee where-the-hell-ever under the guise of taking some sort of general sexual poll. Kaytee's not liking what he's doing, but that doesn't matter to Scooter, who must have had to park a three-ton notebook on his crotch to prevent it from tenting out in a major way. Kaytee's more concerned with the way her nose looks onscreen and -- AH! AH HA HA HA!! Scooter's right hand is a-wanderin' down toward Kaytee's ass...oh, he doesn't love her. No. Not at all. Right.
After Kaytee disentangles herself from Scooter's sweaty grasp, she tells the camera that Scooter once told her that people don't really date until college. "I don't know where he got that statistic," she whines, "but, I don't think that's right." And she looks off to the corner as if she'll find a positive reason over there for lusting after Teddy the Tard. Scooter, sitting in the passenger's seat of Teddy's car, is grilling the Tard about Kaytee, claiming that he's playing hard to get. Tard vehemently denies it with the careful use of the word "nuh-uh". That's two syllables, but it isn't really a word, so it doesn't earn him points on the "I'm not mentally deficient" scale. In the parking lot, at night, Kaytee's running after Tard, talking about "turning him on." I don't know what she's doing or why she's saying that but I'm getting pretty sick of Kaytee and the Tard, lemme tell you.
In an interview, a very sad-looking Kaytee says that one day she just realized that she, like, really, really loved Teddy a lot. Her face brightens up as she says this, and my heart breaks just a little bit more at the remembrance of my bad high-school crushes. Then we see Kaytee kind of all over a non-responsive Tard, and then she's in her car, driving at night, telling us that her friend David had a good point. "Every time I'm like, 'Teddy, let's do something! It'll be great!' he's like, 'Maybe.' And David's like, 'You know he's just waiting for a better offer.' And that makes me mad! Like, really mad! Like, what, am I not good enough for you?" Oh, man. Man. I could go on about how this parallels my current relationship, but I won't, because this damn thing is already eight bloody pages long and I really shouldn't use it as my surrogate psychotherapy.
Ready for more heartbreak? Come on over. Kaytee's on the phone with Tard, asking him why he's such a jerk. We hear nothing from his end (although I bet every word was monosyllabic), but Kaytee keeps saying, "Why? Why?" In a voice-over, Kaytee tells us that she told Tard that she loved him. Oh, God. And, because she knew she was dealing with a "special case," she couldn't just come out and say, "I love you," but had to sandwich it in between a couple of other sentences. She deems this as having "worked," but her facial expressions tell the truth: he doesn't love her back.
Meanwhile, Tard's in his car, wondering why it's not moving. DOH! I forgot to start it...hyuck hyuck. "I think cuz she's just so overly energetic, about everything that she does," he says in a voice that belongs to every dumbass stoner character you've ever seen. "Which, at times it could be good, but, at other times, not so good." But, you know, other times, it could be kinda good, but not so good, but, sorta maybe good. But, then, like, it would be bad if it were, ya know, too good and, hey, dude, where's my car? Ohhhh...hyuck hyuck...I'm IN my car...hyuck hyuck. He is SO not worthy of you, Kaytee. Trust me on this.
In a cafe somewhere, Scooter's got his arm around a despondent-looking Kaytee as he says in a voice-over, "And, basically, he acted like this never happened. And...that's what really hurt her; the fact that he paid no attention to this big thing, her basically spilling out this huge bowl of emotions to him, which is this big thing to her, he just acted as though it was nothing. And that's how Teddy is." Yeah. Teddy's an asshole. Later, in Scooter's car, Kaytee's stretched out in the back, crying. Been there, done that. Times ten. Trust me, sister, it gets worse before it gets better. But it does get better. Eventually. Yes, I'm still waiting for that time. Shut up, Hank4. And bring me more vodka.
Okay, and now on to the part where I search for spiky things to stick in Pablo's eyes. He has to close up the Passion Pit for a month and a half (there is no reason given for this -- maybe they're having revolving magic-fingers beds and ceiling mirrors put in) so, logically, he's going to have a party. Even though, you know, Petty hates them and he'll probably get into a lot of trouble for having one. Dr. Pablo wanders the halls, obviously not concerned with, you know, classes of any sort, informing his fellow students that he's having a party on Friday. Petty, in an interview, says that she got pissed at him the last time he had a party, and that she didn't want anyone else in the house but him, and that Pablo swore that a party would never happen again. He must have meant "never" as in "never except for this Friday."
Cut to Friday night. Pablo's lording it over the party from a prime spot on the kitchen counter. Someone wanders in and Pablo snaps, "What're you looking for? If it's liquor, it's over here." Shut up, Pablo. The party progresses and there's tons of liquor (GASP), smoking (HORROR), and snogging (what the hell is "snogging"?). Pablo's in the kitchen, taking a drag off what looks to be a cigarette, but then some girl pulls his face over and puts her lips to his and, well, we used to do that when we smoked pot, so now I'm thinking it's pot. Cut to Pablo making out with yet some other girl in a hallway. And then another one. And then we're back in the kitchen where Pablo's sucking down Everclear, and the same girl he shared the drag with is now leaning forward and kissing some other guy and I'm thinking, damn! Why didn't I go to parties like these when I was in high school? Oh, right. Because I was a loser. Silly me.
So, the rabble-rousers stay longer than Pablo expected them to (shocker), and things get out of hand when everyone leaves at once, and one really drunk girl, like, runs off because, you know, she's stupid, and they're making all this noise in a relatively quiet neighborhood, and Dr. Pablo winds up picking up the escapee and carrying her God knows where and, well, you can guess what happens .
Pablo Goes To Prison.
Okay, so he spends the night in jail. I think. All I know is, the segment ends with Pablo carting the blithering drunk girl off and the thing you know, it's the day (or the week or the millennium -- who really cares?). So, anyway, Pablo's mom and Mini-Pablo pick Pablo up from the Highland Park police station, and the only thing he can say in his voice-over is, "It was stupid that we got caught. There were a million ways I could have avoided it had I just not been completely and utterly moronic." No shit, Sherlock. Pablo's mom is pretty upset with him, but not NEARLY as upset as I'd be if I had to pick my lazy-ass no-working bad-attitude-having poetry-spewing BAD SEED up from the damn police station. He'd have to fucking WALK home. Barefoot. Naked. With "MY MOTHER PICKED ME UP FROM THE POLICE STATION AND ALL I GOT WAS A SMACK ON THE HEAD" painted across his back. Seriously.
"Consequences," Pablo sighs in VO. "There are no consequences! I'm sixteen years old! I'm a juvenile. They can't do anything bad to me even if they tried." Good to see he's learned a valuable lesson here. Pablo decides it's time to face the music, and the name of this song is "Petty." On the phone, he tells her that he has no regard for anybody and that he's a selfish wench. Agreed. He denies having trashed the place, insisting that he was cleaning up. What, in the street? I don't recall seeing him cleaning up a thing. Oh, maybe picking that girl up off the street was something the Department of Streets and Sanitation would have gotten to eventually. Way to be proactive, Pablo.
He goes on to try and convince Petty to convince her mom not to press charges, to no avail. Petty asks where the key is, and Pablo says it's in his mom's van. "Oh, you're that unhappy?" he asks. I can only assume that she's asking for her key back and banning Pablo from the house. Permanently. Rock on, Petty. "Okay, babe?" he slimes. "Fine, what would you like me to call you?" Heh. Rock on, part deux, Petty. "You are thoroughly upset," he says, smiling this kind of self-amused smug half-smile that I just want to drop-kick right off his fucking face. "Babe?" he says. Click. And Petty has left the building. Thank you and goodnight. ROCK ON!
In a music rehearsal room, Kaytee's sitting to a shlumped-down Tard. She's VO-ing about how she didn't get Tard, not that she really wanted him or anything. "I wanted him to be nicer to me. I wanted him to realize that, I can make him great. But, maybe I probably could. I thought I could. I thought I could bring out the best in him. That's what I loved about him, I think." See. I told you to write it down. Those notes I gave you will come in handy. Look at them now. Memorize them. And don't lose them. EVER.
Through her heartache, Kaytee realizes that she has to focus on her music and herself. Of course, as her VO says this, she's sitting in a hall playing her guitar and says, "All the songs I have are about Teddy. Or, about, um...no, they're all about Teddy." Heh. ["'Teddy lies…when he cries!'" -- Sars]
Around the corner, Pablo's penning some of his pathetic poetry as we hear Petty's voice say, "Pablo was, like, my best friend. I put a lot of faith in him." "We didn't want to get in a fight," says Pablo in his car. "But, when legal things came up and that was something solid and something we had to face when we didn't...we couldn't face it." He goes on to say that it took a lot of trust for Petty to give him the key to the house, since she wouldn't give it to anyone else. And all it took to kill that trust was you throwing a party that Petty didn't want you to. Wow. You're a major fuckstick, Pablo. Major.
Petty shows up at Pablo's house to pick up her key and doesn't look at him as she just says, "Now." She walks off and runs into Pablo's mom, who pleads with her to still be his friend. How HIGH is Pablo's mother? She has to practically draw him a diagram of the difference between eleven at night and eleven in the morning and she's trying to plead his case with the girl whose house he just fucking trashed? What-the-hell-ever.
Petty's VO tells us that she lost someone she thought was a good friend. Pablo's VO tells us that it was supposed to be the last party and, as it turned out, it was. Yes, Pablo. Because you were arrested. Duh. Then Pablo's sitting in his car, saying, "Now no one wants to have anything to do with the house. Especially me. Basically don't want to have anything to do with Lisa, either." WHAT? You don't want to have anything to do with her? You betray the trust of a girl who obviously doesn't trust ANYONE and YOU don't want anything to do with HER? Oh, I fucking HATE this kid.
Then Kaytee treats us to one of her poems. It's really not half bad. Beats ninety percent of the shit I hear at the Green Mill Poetry Slams. Seriously. Later, she's walking outside, and her VO says, "'It's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.' So it's better to sing my songs and maybe make something and be really happy and have people listen to me. Cuz that's when I'm happy." You go, girl.
Then Pablo's walking down a street as his VO says, "'Better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.' Bullshit. It's better to have loved. Than not to. But the lost part. Why would you lose love?" Man, what a pretentious little piss-ant. I'm gonna find out where he is RIGHT NOW and kick his pedantic weeny little ass. I mean it.
week: The kids don't want to be kids anymore, but they're not quite ready to be adults. Robby practically flips his mom the bird. Allie's really tired of this whole "grow up" thing. And Pablo the Pretentious contemplates the Marines. Good. Now maybe he'll get his stupid-looking haircut.