Sleep Deprivation Is Really Starting To Irritate Me

Previously on The Stratification Follies: Eric and Jeremy and BJ and Tyler continued to dominate as the teams ran around Italy hunting through laundry and so forth. The Roadblock frustrated Lori, who apparently assumed that a completed puzzle includes all the pieces, and baffled Dave, who was just sure she was missing part of the thigh. They ultimately made it, though, leaving the battle for last place to Ray and Yolanda and Danielle and Dani. When Dani didn't get the pieces of her statue lined up just right, Ray raced right by her, and the current pinks were sadly Philiminated. In other news, I received approximately four billion emails providing me with links to nasty pictures of The Choad Family on the internet pulling each other's pants off and so forth. It's the same technology that will one day allow parts of the world to unite for the common good. It's all in how you use it.

Music from The Godfather, Part Phil plays as we return to Sicily, where the scenery is beautiful, the pace is slow, and the men are not smiling. I do find that the show is very thorough in providing a guided tour of Crusty Malcontents Of Western Europe. Phil reminds us that in the northwest corner is Segesta, which was destroyed many years ago by the Vandals, known in other corners for their expertise in TPing trees on Mischief Night. On the outskirts of the city is the crumbled but unbowed temple where the fifth (fourth) pit stop happened. It has not yet been hit by Vandals, who would undoubtedly have written "BJ And Tyler Rool," and would then turn out to actually have been BJ and Tyler themselves. With some things, you just know how it's going to be. Phil reminds us how the teams arrived at the end of the last leg. He wonders, as he seems to every week, whether Lake and Michelle can "control their bickering" and whether Ray and Yolanda can capitalize on their good working relationship (ahem) and move out of last place. Those teams do provide something of a study in contrasts, since Ray thinks Yolanda is awesome and has beautiful legs, while Lake thinks that he is awesome and that Yolanda has beautiful legs.

2:29 AM. BJ and Tyler rip their clue, which instructs them to drive to Catania, which BJ pronounces "Catalina," kicking off a week in which mispronouncing Italian place names will be the "choo-choo" of the episode. When they get there, they'll find yet another ruined amphitheater, where there will be another clue. There's, like, some kind of Phantom Of The Opera theme going on here with all the broken-down theaters and whatnot. I keep waiting for one of the tasks to be rescuing a lost soul from the catacombs. BJ and Tyler leave, rehearsing how to pronounce "Catania" and fretting over the "frat cats" that are "hot on [their] tail," which you already knew if you read Defamer (a link that is potentially not safe for work, although recaps are also potentially not safe for work, so: whatever, filtering monkeys). In their voice-over, BJ and Tyler discuss their ongoing battle with the other half of the Choad Family, explaining that they see it as more their game than Eric and Jeremy's, because of all their travel experience. Also, they speak comical Saturday Night Live sketch versions of many foreign accents. "They're definitely dumb," BJ says of Eric and Jeremy, "but people who are very dumb wind up having the best luck a lot of the time. But eventually, dumb luck runs out." They stop and pat a dog, which, because it is them, evolves into a fully staged production of Mixed-Up Wacky-Ass Dog-Patting Theater. In the car, Tyler notes that Catania is "on the exact opposite end of Sicily." They leave, and BJ mispronounces the name of the city some more.

4:11 AM. Eric and Jeremy leave, and they aren't any better with the pronunciations, not that you were thinking they would be. Although you would think they might have some familiarity with things that sound like they could be from the same root as "catatonic." They tell us all about how they're "learning as [they] go," and how they don't have as much travel experience, admittedly, as Tyler and BJ. They think they're doing well, they're cocky, and it's pretty much the same routine they've been spouting since the premiere. This is why they talk about girls all the time, maybe -- not a hell of a lot else to say.

5:00 AM. Joseph and Monica leave, and she labors over some of the words before resignedly chuckling, "Okay, I just murdered all those words." At least she's trying. They count their money and go. Joseph tells us that he's proud of how Monica has performed, and she says that she's been surprised at her own strength, and at how she has "a lot of ambition and motivation." She says she can be an asset to her team, which isa good thing, since there are only two people on it, so you'd think they couldn't afford a lot of dead weight. They stop and ask for directions to Catania, and now, they know how to pronounce "Palermo." Not a horse, as it turns out. Their friendly local even gives him their map when they ask, which is awfully nice of him. I think if I were racing, considering that money is not usually a huge issue, I would be tempted to pick up a supply of something little I could give out to people who do things like that, because that really is extending yourself when you're giving away your stuff. Joseph talks about how nice it is to be in a country where you can stop and ask for help at five in the morning without thinking you're going to be killed, the way you do in the country where he lives. Or, of course, any country that country is currently occupying for the purposes of making it secure and peaceful.

5:18 AM. Fran and Barry note their $63 stash of booty (ew, I think I just got a little queasy from using "Fran and Barry" and "booty" that close together; it's like a special and very bad Boolean search issue), and they leave. Fran tells us in a voice-over that Barry went to Vietnam when they were first married, which I'm sure is relevant to something along the line here, not that it really seems like it at this point. He joins in to say how they grew together as best friends, which is nice, although I didn't need to hear him use the word "lover," so much. I find the use of "lover" meaning, very strictly, "person you have sex with," the way Barry is using it, to be incredibly strange and twee, actually. I know no one who does that, other than angry husbands in movies from many years ago. Fran talks about how they know where they're going and don't have to stop and ask for directions, leaving out the implied "like stupid other teams do." It's a good thing they're not headed for a motorcycle engine, because boy, would they be in trouble!

BJ and Tyler arrive in Catania and ask someone about where the theater is. When they get there, the funny music plays some more as they take note of the fact that the theater doesn't open until 8:30 AM, so they're going to have to wait a bit. Of course, this is another opportunity to create some more footage for their personal Our Kee-razy Travels highlight reel, also known as This Whole Season, so they come up with a plan to put up a sign that says, "Team Order." And see, that will fool other people into thinking they have to sign up. And other people signing up when they don't have to sign up will be hilarious. What do you mean, "Why?" It will be! They write up something on a plain piece of paper and stick it into the top of the sign that shows the operating hours. And as they walk away, Tyler says -- for no reason at all -- "pizza pie." Oh, ethnic jokes. They just never get old. I can't wait to see what these guys might be like in India! Or Japan! They go off to have a nap, which is just about what they make me want to do myself. I'm kind of surprised they don't find a way to nap hilariously, like with their feet up over their heads in a pretzel, all, "Whoop-de-whoo, here we are, just lying down, HA HA HA! Let's-a get lotsa sleep-a!"

6:00 AM. Lake and Michelle count out their money and originally see only $61 of their $63. But then Michelle finds the rest. I hope you enjoyed that suspenseful interlude, as it will be the only one of the evening. Lake and Michelle take off. Lake talks about how he and Michelle are disappointed in their position, but recognize that they've made a couple of big mistakes. She talks about how, even though they bicker and fight, they've been able to move past it and get on with the race. "It's more of a snag, more than a whole tear," she says, doing her best to throw a few stitches in there to keep the snag from turning into a tear, if you see what I'm saying. They get on the road, and Lake talks about how the sleep deprivation is "really starting to irritate" him. He's in a good mood, though, about how great he thinks they're going to do, so he has that going for him anyway.

6:25 AM. Nerd music. Lori says "Let's rock this" as she opens the clue, and that's just never a good sign. Rocked legs are born, not made. Dave voices over that on the leg, he found himself "supremely frustrated with Lori," and they're hoping to approach the leg positively. She thinks they just need to stay positive and communicate. In the car, she spots where they need to go on their map.

6:34 AM. Yolanda tells us as she and Ray leave the mat that she already knew she loved him, but that the race has helped her understand why. She says that watching him perform makes her really proud of him and get all teary, and she sort of makes fun of herself for staring at him and being like, "My boyfriend! Doing tasks! He's awesome!" Hee. That's cute. It's also true. There's something to be said for that feeling when you watch someone you're swoony about do something he's good at: "That's right, bitches. Going home with me! Snack on it!" They stop and ask for directions, as you know they would. This time, it seems to work.

In Catania, Eric and Jeremy are just getting into town, and they find the theater. BJ and Tyler, snoozing in their car, note the arrival of their great pals, who look for the clue box and ultimately find the hours-of-operation sign. And, of course, BJ and Tyler's "brilliant" and "hilarious" sign-in sheet. Eric and Jeremy actually SIGN IN using the sheet, despite declaring it "kinda ghetto," which means that as dumb as BJ and Tyler are for pulling this stunt, they aren't as dumb as their friends are for falling for it. "Always good to have somebody around dumber than you" probably explains the reason why Eric and Jeremy have many of their friends. You'd think BJ and Tyler would constitute the lower end of the scale of so many obnoxious qualities, but leave it to Eric and Jeremy to be on the bottom floor looking for down escalators. Slowly, it dawns on Eric (who, I think, qualifies as "the smart one," terrifyingly enough, in that I suspect he can unwrap a gift without winding up with the ribbon accidentally wrapped around his neck) that Tyler and BJ might have been the culprits behind the sign-in sheet. Eventually, the jig is up, and BJ and Tyler open their car doors to collect the kudos for their awesome joke. What's brilliant is that Eric mocks the stupidity and obviousness of the bogus sign-in sheet, which is a little bit difficult given that his name has been written on it. You can't really make fun of a guy for what he's serving when your partner is eating his third plate of it, after all.

MoJo is asking someone in traffic for directions, and the guy agrees to lead them, so that's nice. Barry, for his part, is admiring a headless statue from the car, and he and Fran don't know where they are. This brings out the Fran in Barry, as it happens. "Oh my God, we're screwed now," he says. Fran starts ordering him to calm down, which is awesome, because we have only listened about 4,000 times as she has repeatedly declared that they are certain to be eliminated. I guess things like that are always easier to deal with when you're not the one who's upset.

Finally, the theater opens, and the entire Choad Family dashes onto the grounds. They run around sort of flapping everything, loud and yelling as ever (Hey, why not act like you own the fucking planet, really?), through the grounds of the theater to a clue box that instructs them to count the heads on top of the fenceposts that surround the grounds. When they've done that, they can report the number to the groundskeeper, who will give them a clue. Now, you'd think that maybe, if you were going to assign this task, it would be a bit difficult -- you know, there would be a variety of fences or something. In this case, however, it's just one round fence, so you just have to run around in a circle, counting. That's the "task." It's no wonder these two teams are doing so well, for fuck's sake. They haven't been asked to do anything remotely challenging since I can't even remember when. They're basically just touring Italy right now, and the inability of other teams to catch them seems to be more a law of physics than a testament to their strength as a team. The Choad Family runs off to go counting. They bound up and jog around in a big circle, counting the heads on the fence, of which there are 41. They try, of course, to distract each other by hollering out random numbers. It doesn't work, which is what makes it really exciting and definitely something we need to spend a lot of time looking at. Both teams get the count right on the first try.

When these two teams go to the groundskeeper and report their totals, they get a new clue, which turns out to be a Detour. Choice between two tasks! Pros and cons! Stay away from vehicle assembly if you don't know what a spark plug is! Here, the choice is between Big Fish and Little Fish, which makes it sound to me like it's going to be some kind of whale-on-carp smackdown, but apparently, fish-related violence isn't as cool to other people as it is to me. Anyway, in Big Fish, you go on foot to a street vendor, and each of you carries a 32-pound swordfish one third of a mile to a market, where you find a fish vendor, to whom you give your fish in exchange for your clue. In Little Fish, you go right to the market, you take over a stall, and you sell four kilograms of fish.

Eric and Jeremy and BJ and Tyler both select Big Fish. Surprisingly, at least on the air, neither Eric nor Jeremy makes any tasteless girl/fish jokes, which you know are out there, and which you know they wanted to mention. The show probably left that stuff out on the assumption that while devotion to a show is a good thing, devotion to it to the point where you, as a viewer, can sort of imagine what it would be like to hit a particular individual in the head with, say, a day-old peasant bread is probably not. Tyler comments that it's hard to sell fish in the morning, which is bullshit, because you exactly buy fish in the morning, nitwit, unless you're curious about what they taste like after they turn really ripe. They all run for the swordfish.

Barry is still bitching about the traffic. "I can't believe we did this!" he complains to Fran. "We're just totally screwed. This is a disaster." He is currently acting like he's even less fun than she is, and she is not very much fun. He declares the current leg a "total disaster," and this is the first time you can easily notice that Barry has a ponytail. A ponytail. The ever-loving fuck? He has a ponytail and he doesn't know where the engine is on a motorcycle? Fraud! Oh, and he leans on the horn, because he's a little too young and spry to leave his turn signal on.

Commercials. Dave and Lori won the Play Hard thing during their worst leg ever. There you go, America. Keep making sense!

When we return, Barry is still -- still -- complaining about sitting in traffic, and about how they made some huge mistake, though I'm not sure what it is. Lake and Michelle, meanwhile, are also on their way into Catania. Dave and Lori have decided to follow Fran and Barry's lead and choose to be stuck in traffic. Ray and Yolanda, on the other hand, are driving, and they do not appear to be currently sitting in traffic, though they have to share the roads with everyone else, sowhatever.

MoJo arrives at the amphitheater, and they both run around counting heads. Elsewhere, Eric and Jeremy follow BJ and Tyler as they run toward the swordfish guy. Finally, they all find him, and they all pick up their 32-pound fish and sling them over their backs. This is the part where Trash started wondering where Charla is when you really need her. Tyler asks his fish, "Hey, buddy, what's your name? You come here often?" I suspect that's not that much worse than his actual come-ons, really. For his part, BJ thinks it feels like "holding a wet cat." A wetcat? Feels like a giant swordfish? He has dealt with some large cats, apparently. And possibly even ones wearing scuba gear. "Big-a fish-a comin' through!" BJ yells to a bunch of locals who, once again, I'm sure cannot get enough of that. Someone really should invite these guys to speak at a conference for people with speech impediments, because they would kill.

Monica and Joseph are finished counting, and he got 40, while she got 41. He decides to go with her number, so when they run down and find the groundskeeper, they manage to give the correct answer. I kind of like the way he just takes her answer on faith, like he feels like they need to go ahead and pick one, and if he's going to pick one, he errs on the side of picking hers rather than his, since they have absolutely no way of knowing which is best. It's very efficient, because it avoids squabbling and the interference of pride. That was a good move. They get the Detour clue and decide to do the Big Fish. He promises her that she can carry that much, and a third of a mile isn't all that long. Which is true, not that I've ever done it with a 32-pound fish on my back.

Eric and Jeremy find the market, and as BJ and Tyler run into it behind them, Tyler shouts, "Ehhhh, pizza pie!" It's so embarrassing, you almost have to look away. Embarrassing for Tyler, embarrassing for the locals, and embarrassing for the country in which Tyler lives, which really doesn't need unskilled help, international-PR-wise. Both teams hunt for the right vendor, and Eric and Jeremy find him first. A lot of locals stare with what certainly appears to be an utter lack of amusement as this group of assholes tries to mug for the camera in a way they apparently believe is going to be charming. What's creepy is that none of them seem to notice that nobody is laughing. It's likewhen you do your act, and you're exerting yourself this hard, and not a fucking soul is laughing? You should notice. At any rate, when these teams are finished not amusing the locals, they get a clue to drive themselves more than 40 miles to Siracusa, where they can fail to amuse a new group of people entirely. Then they'll find something I'm roughly reciting phonetically as Ponte Umbertino, where there will be a clue box. There is more loud yelling as BJ and Tyler run back through the market. Tyler ultimately yells, silly accent intact, "There's something awfully fishy about this place!" It's remarkable how BJ and Tyler originally claimed that they look for the "funny and ironic" in life, since most of their material is actually very much like the punch lines from Family Circus. Can't you see Jeffy having a conversation with Grandpa in which Grandpa turns to him at some point, probably while discussing either a fish market or a large boat, and says, "There's something awfully fishy about this place!" Ho-ho! And then there would be a dotted line showing where Jeffy ran all over the fish market. The Choad Family proceeds together until they encounter MoJo, at which point BJ and Tyler make a great show of hugging all over Monica to demonstrate how bad they smell, which she indulgently notices.

Fran and Barry are arguing about getting where they're going. Finally, they reach the amphitheater, and when they read the clue about counting the heads, Barry has to say it three times: "Count the heads on the fence posts. On the fence posts. On the fenceposts." Hey, don't judge. At least they found the clue box this time.

The Choad Family makes it to their cars, checks their maps, and gets on the way as one big happy group. As they're leaving, BJ and Tyler wave to Fran and Barry, who are running in a circle counting heads. Eric and Jeremy and BJ and Tyler get on the road to Siracusa. When Fran and Barry finish counting the fencepost heads, they start to look for the groundskeeper, as the clue says they must. But rather than search the grounds as most people would, Fran leans over the railing above the grounds and yells, "HELLO?" That's not how you search for a man! That's just hollering, and although it seems like it should work, it's like it never does, believe me. Barry tells her that they're going to have to look for the groundskeeper, but Fran keeps yelling for the guy, no matter how many times Barry tells her it's obviously fruitless. Finally, they run across the groundskeeper, report the 41 heads, and get their clue for the Detour. That seemed to be a lot more difficult for them than was really necessary, I think. Once they get the Detour clue and review it, Fran expresses her strong opinion that she is not up to carrying a giant fish. She and Barry select the selling task.

MoJo picks up their swordfish. Joseph clowns with the big fish on the way down the street, which you kind of have to, and at this point, Monica is clowning, too. It's easy to goof around with your giant, smelly companion when you haven't had a chance to start smelling like him, isn't it? Ask anyone who's ever gotten married in Las Vegas.

Lake and Michelle are in bumper-to-bumper traffic, which is frustrating him to no end. He doesn't understand why it's so crowded, and she says, "Well, it's a town of 400,000 people." "And they're all right here!" he comes back. Heh. Elsewhere, Dave and Lori are having traffic issues also. He wants to just park and look, but she wants to find out the right place first. She wants to stop and get directions, but he keeps going. They have their first bad moment when she finally mutters, "I'm glad you're being unilateral in the decision-making." Ray and Yolanda, on the other hand, are parking and going on foot, because she thinks that's going to be the faster way for them. They start asking for directions to the amphitheater. Ray quickly notices that people are not so willing to talk to him, and that he's getting a lot of flat "no" responses the minute he opens his mouth. Which is difficult, I agree, not to notice. Yolanda thinks maybe he's saying it too mean.

Fran and Barry find the market to sell the fish. I really, really would not buy fish from Barry with his shoulders looking like that; I just wouldn't. They start yelling at strangers. The locals do not look enthused. "We're not selling one friggin' thing," Fran observes.

Monica, for her part, is very grossed out by the abundance of fish guts and goop and juice that is currently running down her arms. They pass Fran and Barry in the market, but they have some trouble finding the right vendor. All of a sudden, Monica gets really flustered, I think from the sheer gross-out factor and the chaos, and she starts to get teary. I instinctively reacted to this with the thought that she's a major wuss, given that if I had a nickel for every time I've had to carry a giant fish as part of a novelty competition on television, I'll tell you, I could retire wealthy.

Finally, Fran and Barry sell a kilo of fish to a lady who kind of looks like she's taking pity on them. She does not have a "What luck; I was just looking for fish just like these!" kind of look on her face. It's more like, "Uh, okay." Joseph and Monica keep looking, and she's rapidly losing it. At this point, he's looking while she sits on the ground just holding her fish. Finally, she looks around and says, "This is the worst thing I've ever done." It would be really neat if that were true, because it would make her the luckiest person in the history of time, and I'm amused that the luckiest person in the history of time would wind up as a contestant on The Amazing Race.

Commercials. "There may be bugs on some of you mugs" will haunt me always, apparently.

Joseph and Monica continue to struggle. Finally, they find a guy who seems to know where the right seller is, and Monica picks up her fish so they can go. She's skeptical of the directions, while Joseph has become so frustrated that he openly ponders stabbing a local through the head with a swordfish, which is not very friendly, to say the least. Finally, they make their way to the right guy, who takes their fish and gives them their clue. "Did we not ask that son of a bitch if he was him?" Joseph wonders. They are very frustrated as they get the clue for Siracusa and take off. I certainly hope that the guy didn't deny being himself. That sort of frustrates the purpose of the game.

Fran and Barry see MoJo leaving, and Fran notes with what appears to be amusement, "She's cryin'." I think now I know what they meant when they originally said something about not being able to play the nice old grandma and grandpa. My grandma was never that happy when I was crying. ["Mine seemed to feel that it was beneficial to the health to let it out. Drinking buttermilk and weeping at will were kind of her tips for long life." -- Sars] They sell two kilos of fish to some guy, and then they sell one more, and they're done. That looks to have been very, very easy. When you only have to sell four kilos total and people buy two at a time, that task is too easy. They collect their clue for Siracusa and chuckle as they leave in fourth place, although they and MoJo are basically leaving at the same time. As they leave town, Monica notes a woman walking by, saying, "Aw, look how cute and clean she is." She starts to chuckle, which is a good thing. "And I've got fish guts all over me." Laughing at yourself when you have fish goo on you is a good first step toward retaining (1) your sanity; and (2) your boyfriend. Fran and Barry, meanwhile, are looking up the city on their map. As they're sitting there looking

Here come Lake and Michelle. They hunt around for the clue as Fran and Barry are getting into their car. Fran mutters about how Lake undoubtedly wants help, not that he has asked for any, and she and Barry crow about how they'd never help him. If this is still a motorcycle-engine-related grudge, it is now officially the stupidest grudge ever held on this show.

As Lake opens the amphitheater clue, he guesses at the contents: "Find somethin' in the middle-a frickin' nowhere." Cheating! He's cheating! Once they do read the actual clue, they go around and count the heads, and Michelle is convinced that they must be overlooking something, because the task can't possibly be that easy. Note to task creators: it's never good when contestants are commenting aloud on how stupid the instructions are. They find some guy and say "41" to him, but he turns out not to be the groundskeeper, so they have to keep looking. Apparently, that was just a dude who was happy to get the information. When they find the right guy, they get their clue for the Detour and choose the big fish. Michelle questions whether they should drive or walk, and Lake points out that the instructions say to walk. "Awwwwn foot, ding-dong!" he comments, and for some reason, calling her a "ding-dong" is so dopey that it doesn't even bother me. I'm starting to think that it might actually be okay with him if she talked to him like he talks to her. In fact, she sort of does, in her way.

Fran and Barry are on the way to Siracusa, as are Monica and Joseph. Joseph gets himself into some kind of random honking contest, which is pretty amusing in a kind of out-of-nowhere sort of way. Hey, you're bored, you're in a carwhat else is there to play with?

Lake and Michelle find the swordfish guy, although she wonders whether they could have the wrong vendor, in which case they're just walking off with some random guy's fish. "You think this sumbitch is gonna let us steal his fish?" Lake wonders. As they walk with their swordfish, Michelle reports that because she has a three-year-old child, she was sure she could handle carrying the fish. Which it appears that she can. They find the fish-receiving guy (whose name I will tell you, later than I should have, is Jagino) very easily, and they collect their Siracusa clue having presumably made up some time on the teams just ahead of them. As they jog, Lake calls out a friendly "Hola!", which Michelle reminds him is not the language or anything. He acknowledges: "I know, I'm just speaking Spanish for hello." Hee. He sounded a little like the Manolo there for a minute. ["Ikind of love him. Is that wrong?" -- Sars]

Dave and Lori are seeking directions to the amphitheater now. They find a guy who gets on his scooter and leads them, which is a nice break. Ray and Yolanda are just finding the amphitheater now, just as Lake and Michelle are leaving, and Michelle notices. It's hard to know for sure exactly why Ray and Yolanda got ahead -- these teams were only separated by nine minutes, so it doesn't take a major screw-up for that switch in positions to happen. At any rate, Lake and Michelle are on the scene now, and Lake wants to hire a cab to lead him out of town, but Michelle is sure they can make it on their own. He declares that he's "overruling" her on this decision, which is gross, but maybe if you're the driver, you have final say over whether you hire someone to lead you. It's one theory, I guess. They do get out of town successfully, however, as they spot a sign to Siracusa.

Ray and Yolanda. Forty-one heads. Detour clue. Big Fish. Dave and Lori right behind them. Forty-one heads. Detour clue. Big Fish. Nothing more fascinating than people counting. Ray and Yolanda carry their fish through the streets. Dave and Lori get theirs, and then they are carrying as well. "This is so gross," she comments, and Dave laughs good-naturedly.

Eric and Jeremy arrive at Siracusa, where they open a clue that turns out to be for this week's Roadblock. Phil explains the Roadblock concept, and then he says that in this Roadblock, the chosen person will play kayak polo, which sounds (and probably is) a lot cooler than it turns out to be in this task. The person has to sit in the kayak, get the ball, and score a goal by tossing the ball into a high net. After they score, they'll get the clue. Jeremy takes it for his team, and he initially leaves without the paddle, and that's going to make it a little tough. Somebody gives Jeremy the ball, and he has his first shot deflected with someone's paddle, which I think is the last defensive play you will see all day. It appears that this is the person who did not receive the Black Sox memo telling them to throw the polo match, and that he was accordingly taken out and smacked around a little by the other polo players. I would have enjoyed seeing that for a few reasons, actually.

Ray and Yolanda drop off their swordfish and get their Siracusa clue. They get directions and leave town. Dave and Lori exchange a few more "I love you" platitudes along the way, the better to forget about the giant fish and whatnot, and then they drop off their fish and take the Siracusa clue. They buy a map and leave.

Eric calls Jeremy a pansy, and that causes Jeremy to score. Story of their lives, no? They get their clue just as BJ and Tyler are approaching. Phil explains that the clue says that they have to travel on foot through the streets to the pit stop, which is at a natural spring apparently important in Greek mythology. Not as important as scoring, of course. Nothing is up there with scoring.

BJ takes the Roadblock for his team. The players hand over the ball to him, and he lobs it, and they get their clue. This is not interesting. This is C-SPAN-company-picnic levels of "not interesting."

Now, the entire Choad Family is running for the pit stop.

Fran and Barry and Joseph and Monica are on their way to the Roadblock clue. Joseph and Barry take the task for their teams. Despite how incredibly easy the task is, Barry is immediately in trouble, and Fran starts talking to Monica about how bad he is at it. His first shot is, to put it kindly, an airball.

Choad Family. Asking directions, running, running, running. And then we are at the pit stop, where a large band is playing energetic, upbeat music and Phil is waiting. Eric and Jeremy run up to the mat first. They call him "Big Philly Style" again. Welcome, you are team number one. You have won a cruise for two! And they will enjoy it, I think. Phil tells them that they smell bad, and Jeremy says their new cologne is called "Sword." Not that I'm surprised they'd want their cologne to cry out "Hey, Pointy!", but it's still depressing every time they do that.

Here come BJ and Tyler, dancing and demonstrating, because they can't not. They shtick their way onto the mat at last, where Phil tells them they are team number two. There is mercilessly little of what I'm sure was a long routine about coming in second, just as everything is a long routine.

Joseph gets his polo shot to go, so they can leave. Fran is kibitzing Barry, calling his effort "pathetic." I would have worshipped him forever if he had turned around at that moment and said, "Oh, go spot an engine." Although I guess he can't, if he didn't know where the engine was, either. As MoJo leaves, Fran yells at Barry until he finally gets the shot done. Lake and Michelle, meanwhile, are arriving. When they read the Roadblock, she really isn't sure she can do it, but they're facing his having done the first four, so she really has to start doing some, to say the least, or they're going to be in big trouble very quickly. She finally agrees to do the kayak. For whatever reason, Lake and Michelle are spending this portion of the show wearing these weird harnesses made of string that Ido not know the purpose of at all. They're kind of doing a lifting-and-separating thing on both parties, but it's not a good situation. Once Michelle gets into the water, she finds herself a bit confused early on, and her first shots are not good. She really does throw like a girl, in the way in which that pejorative does have its place and time. "You got to throw it now, come on!" he harangues, saying that he should have been the one to do the task. Boooo! Can't do that, dude. Take it or don't, you know?

Commercials. I don't like DirectTV guy or the other guy, so there.

When we return, Michelle is still at the Roadblock, and Lake is still yelling at her. Finally, she gets a very close shot, handed to her by the other players, and she gets the ball in. When they read their clue, Lake does one of the funniest bits I've ever seen anyone do inadvertently. Before she even opens the clue, he's hollering, "Pit stop!" So then she reads: "Make your way on foot" And Lake cuts in: "YES! FOOT! YES!" It's not for any particular reason, and the delivery is so freaky and strange that it's fundamentally hilarious. He's almost squealing with happiness, and I have no idea why, but I'm with him. They leave.

Now, Joseph and Monica are running to the pit stop. And the band is still tootling happily. And Phil, because he is not quite the stone-face they originally thought he was going to be, is dancing on the mat. Oh, you bet your ass I'm serious. I can almost imagine him watching this at home and thinking, "I danced for six seconds, and that's what they had to put on the show." He welcomes Joseph and Monica as team number three. They're quite happy, and Monica agrees that she loves Joseph even though he smells like fish.

Welcome, Fran and Barry, you are team number four. Boo!

Ray and Yolanda are looking for what will be the Roadblock, as are Dave and Lori.

Welcome, Lake and Michelle, you are team number five. They smooch.

Ray and Yolanda at the Roadblock. He takes it, and his first shot sails wide. Then he manages to tip himself over entirely. Dave and Lori are looking for the right place. Finally, Ray gets his ball to go in. As they're leaving, Dave and Lori are arriving, and Dave takes the Roadblock for them. His first shot hits the crossbar, but then he manages to make the shot so that they can leave. They head for the pit stop.

Artificial anxiety is coaxed from us all as Dave and Lori and Ray and Yolanda both, at least in theory, hunt for the pit stop. And then the band is playing, and Phil is waiting, andhere come Ray and Yolanda. Whom I love. But who are not Dave and Lori, so that's sad. They land on the mat and are team number six. They're very happy not to be booted.

Sad music. Dave and Lori walk toward the pit stop. "If this is a non-elimination round, Lori," Dave says, "we're going to have to wear fish clothes." Heh. He promises he'll wash her clothes, and they agree they love each other. Well, who doesn't love a guy who will wash your fish clothes? But when they land on the mat, they are last, and they are eliminated. Boo! She's weepy, he's a little weepy too, and they both thank Phil very much. Lori says she loves Dave "immensely." In an interview, she says that leaving is disappointing, but they did their best and had a great time. They exchange comments about how much they love each other and how happy they are that they were able to do this. "What a wonderful gift," he says, with great and awed genuineness, and then he flashes his gang sign and says, "Nerds rule." Aww!

Executive Producer: Jerry Bruckheimer.

week: Greece! Wrestling! Fran having to bungee-jump when she really doesn't want to!