In the Cab Of Yutzes, Jeremy comments that Red Square would have been a "prime spot to be holding hands with the chicks." The 1970s pound on the window of the cab, rattling their gold chains, playing their Bee Gees records at high volume, and demanding their lingo back. Eric comments that with just the two of them, it wasn't very romantic, and I think he really underestimates the taste for romance to be found in many members of the viewing public. "Yeah, it was a little gay. It was a little gay," Jeremy says. Of course, the fact that to an active imagination, their experiences in Red Square were no gayer than the rest of their behavior seems to be unknown to him.
In Lake and Michelle's cab, on the other hand, she is downright giddy, telling him that no one else they know has run across Red Square. Which is probably true, since most people they know probably fear almost as much as Lake does being accosted by communist bacteria trying to obtain the greatest rate of infection for the greatest number. They're very happy about their strong position in the race, however, so that's something.
It seems to get lighter outside all of a sudden as we make our way back to Red Square to pick up Ray and Yolanda, who are running to the mat. They get the clue and hop in a cab. Ray comments that they really want to get out of town tonight, hoping they can get a lead over everybody else. That is one floppy red hat Yolanda is sporting. It's sort of from the "Yes, I Do Have A Cat In Here; What Are You Going To Do About It?" collection.
Speaking of other groups, here are Fran and Barry, still back at the Million Doll Detour. To no one's surprise, Fran is complaining. "I can't tell you how many I've opened here already," she says. "Just not our thing," Barry agrees. I bet that if they ever should find their thing, they'll be sure to tell you. How will they catch a break? Finally, Barry finds a clue, and they leave for Red Square.
Speaking of Red Square, BJ and Tyler are just getting there, but not before sharing a warm conversation about how bad they're going to feel if Fran and Barry are out. Approaching the mat, they make a giant leap onto it likeI don't know. Cartoon superheroes reimagined as salad-bar dorks, I guess. You know? How there's always the one guy who can make a bunch of fresh ingredients from the salad bar into something hilarious that you would never eat? Yeah, him. Anyway, they make a great show of thanking Phil for the clue and giving him a dollar. Not for any particular reason, it seems, except that it will make the camera stay on longer. When they inevitably take the dollar back from him, they say, "Don't waste this opportunity, Phil!" Given that this remark has absolutely nothing to do with what's happening on the show, they fairly obviously decided before leaving home that they would shoehorn in a No Opportunity Wasted shout-out for Phil, and it is unbelievable to me that this non sequitur is the best they could do. Like, the opportunity of a dollar? That they're returning? What? ["I did enjoy the way the shot was framed when the redhead -- Tyler? -- yoinked the dollar back from Phil. Hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day." -- Sars]
“ Now why is Lake taking this one? For crying out loud, what Roadblocks is Michelle thinking she's going to do? There probably won't be anything involving making a small child rinse and spit, so I think she's going to need to go a little farther outside her comfort zone. ”
Way up ahead, the short-haired branch of the Choad Family is finding its way to the field. Silly music plays as we look at a field that is decorated with cones sticking up and something else that can't be identified at first glance. Yutz finds the clue box and gets a clue, and it turns out to be a Roadblock. Or, I really have to say, a "Roadblock." The Roadblock iswait, give me a minute to recover from having to talk about this again. Okay. The "Roadblock" is hunting through 150 cones and upside-down boots that look like they could, in theory, be either the hat or the feet of (I shit you not) a partially buried Travelocity gnome. Only 11 gnomes are actually hidden -- the rest are just hats or boots, so you have to lift them up and look under them. Now here's the idiotic part -- the ones that are really hiding gnomes aren't actually parts of gnomes. It's not like when you find one, you find that the cone isn't just a cone, it's a gnome's head. Instead, the cone or the boots will still be completely disconnected from anything, only it will be covering up a hole with a gnome in it. It's just stupider than stupid, even if it weren't naked product placement, which -- by the way -- it is. Moreover, once the person doing this "difficult" "task" finds the gnome, they'll have to carry it around for the rest of the leg. Oh, that's dignified. Why don't you just make them stick some Hanes underwear on their heads, huh?
So it's your basic needle-in-a-haystack "Roadblock," not as hard as some, based around that obnoxious gnome. The other thing that doesn't make any sense, as if there needed to be another thing, is that the clue for it says, "Who wants to reap a reward?" Which, as we will find out, has absolutely nothing to do with describing the task, and which also has absolutely nothing to do with who does the "Roadblock," and which does not, in most cases, even relate to a task that results in either person on the team "reaping a reward." Jeremy finds a gnome pretty quickly, and yodeling music (?) starts up as he and Eric run off. Selling your show's soul is so ugly. Anyway, they get a clue that says to take their gnome to Bavaria Film.
Lake and Michelle now have one of the truly great encounters with local color in the history ofever, as they encounter a fellow on the way to Ellsbach and ask him whether he can help them find it. He agrees to ride along, saying that he's too drunk to drive. Thus do Lake and Michelle adopt the show's first Wasted Fern. He's apparently not too drunk to help them find the field, fortunately, and they even rib him a little bit about being drunk in the car.
At just about the same time, BJ and Tyler and Lake and Michelle arrive at the "Roadblock." You'll never guess whether the hippies are all yelling and shit. Well, maybe you will. BJ and Lake take it. Now why is Lake taking this one? For crying out loud, what Roadblocks is Michelle thinking she's going to do? There probably won't be anything involving making a small child rinse and spit, so I think she's going to need to go a little farther outside her comfort zone. As BJ looks for the gnome, Tyler dances around "comically." Michelle tells Lake, quite correctly, to ignore Tyler, and even more correctly not to follow BJ, because obviously, then he'll just be looking in already-checked holes. "I'm 'on jus' systematically go!" Lake says. I could spend a lot of time this season transcribing Lake phonetically. I probably shouldn't try. Lake is the first of the two guys to find a gnome, which he brings back to Michelle. They get the Bavaria Film clue. And then, just as BJ yells, "What does it look like?", he pulls up a cone and finds a gnome, which he pulls out as he yells, "Like this!" Heh. That was slightly funny. I strongly suspect that BJ is much, much closer to actually being both funny and tolerable than Tyler is. But really, they both bug. I can't remember if I've ever explained before my theory of the difference between people who suck and people who bug, but you can probably get it just from that much explanation. I don't truly dislike people who bug (Meredith and Gretchen, the Godlewskis, Kelly of "Jon and"), but only people who suck (Kelly of "Ron and," the Weavers, Tara and Wil, Aaron and Arianne, Heather and Eve). BJ and Tyler just bug, but they bug maybe more than any team ever has. (FYI: The greatest challenge to this theory is whether Flo sucks or just bugs to a degree that is epic in its sweep. I have never decided.)
“ In a way, this makes Danielle and Dani look like victims, but you know, when you don't want to navigate for yourself, this is the kind of thing that can happen. I'm not sure I walked away from this with a very different view of following others. ”
Anyway, BJ and Tyler and Lake and Michelle take off, but Lake explains that before they can go, they're taking Wasted Fern home. No, seriously. They're taking him to his house. It's one of the most adorable things I've ever seen on this show, racer-local-interaction-wise, and I'll be damned if it didn't make me like Lake and Michelle a little bit. This is all very weird. In BJ and Tyler's car, they discuss the fact that there was this Fern with Lake and Michelle. "Where did they get that German guy? Did they rent him?" Tyler wonders. Theseare the jokes, folks. Sadly enough. Hey, can you blame him? Renting is pretty kee-razy! The very idea of hiring someone to do something for you just seems so out-there that most people must not have been used to it.
Fran and Barry get to the Roadblock, and he takes it. "I'm going to only do feet!" he declares. She wonders why. "'Cause that'll be my system!" he says. Okay, that'sthat's not a system, Barry. That is only looking in half of the holes. Completely idiotic. He does eventually find one, but there's no indication of how long it takes, which is one of the things I dislike about this kind of Roadblock. I wish there was a little indicator at the bottom, like, "Barry: 15th Set Of Gnomes Lifted. Strategy: Feet Only." Something like that. Otherwise, you have no way of telling who did how well, and without that information, the whole thing is a little pointless, not that it isn't anyway. Barry returns, and they open the Bavaria Film clue. Barry discusses himself and Fran in the third person during an interview again, and he so very badly needs to stop doing that. They assure us that now, they've "hit [their] stride."
Wanda and Desiree, on the other hand, have not hit their stride. They have hitnothing. Actually, they have hit the same exit where they got off the Autobahn last time. Miserably, they pull over and stop, and Wanda hops out to tell Danielle and Dani -- who already know -- that they've wound up making a big circle. Wanda likens it to Groundhog Day, which seems fair enough. In a way, this makes Danielle and Dani look like victims, but you know, when you don't want to navigate for yourself, this is the kind of thing that can happen. I'm not sure I walked away from this with a very different view of following others, as much as just with the view that you had better make sure you follow exactly the right person.
Commercials. I often wonder whether there's really anywhere to go anymore in the technology of hair-care products. We're pretty much keeping our hair clean now, after all.
When we come back, Wanda and Desiree, followed by Danielle and Dani, are trying to turn around again. Wanda and Desiree are fighting, complete with "dammit, Desi" and "don't you 'dammit' me," and that's too bad, because early on, they really didn't fight. For their part, Danielle and Dani are also pretty stressed. Finally, both teams get going in the right direction.
Eric and Jeremy are arriving at Bavaria Film, where they pull a clue from the box. It's this week's Detour. Two tasks. They have pros. Also cons. Phil explains that the choices this time are Break It and Slap It. In Break It, they break stunt bottles over each other's heads until they get one with a special label on it that says "Prost," which Phil says is German for "cheers," and not for "cargo-shorts wearer." But they can only break one bottle every time a cuckoo clock goes off, so that'sa clearly random element inserted to make the task take longer. In Slap It, Phil claims that they'll have to "learn and correctly perform" an elaborate set of dance steps with a dance group. You will later notice that, in fact, Slap It does not require this at all, but go with it for the moment.
Eric and Jeremy choose to break bottles over each other's heads. It certainly sounds like a good idea. When they get inside, they first have to outfit themselves in lederhosen. And then, out by the bottles, there is a woman, and she is breathing, so they have to comment on her appearance, because that's the law. They call her "a little hottie." Jeremy takes the first turn clocking Eric with a bottle. No dice. There is some horsing around that follows in which they seem to initially enjoy the slapstick of breaking bottles on each other's heads. There is an exaggerated "Daggit!" when the label isn't a winner either. (There are people who heard something much nastier than "Daggit" there; I emphatically am not one of those people.)
Ray and Yolanda hit the "Roadblock." Ray takes it. He finds a gnome just as Joseph and Monica are arriving. Joseph takes this one for his team. Meanwhile, Dave and Lori are arriving, and Dave does the Roadblock for them. Joseph finds a gnome before Dave, so they're out of there. Ray and Yolanda grab some directions, and then we return to the field long enough to see Dave complete the "Roadblock" so that he and Lori can leave.
Detour. Eric and Jeremy enter their overly rehearsed bit, in which they try to flirt with the woman standing nearby. Eric wants to know if she'll go out with them. She says she will if they pay. He says okay. Wow, hott. I know that's how I indicate intense interest. The only part of this I actually think is funny is when Jeremy sort of grumps to Eric about breaking bottles, "It was fun, now it's just getting old." Yeah. You can only break so many bottles over a guy's head before you kind of feel like you need to move on. Been there.
Lake and Michelle drop off Wasted Fern at his house. They and BJ and Tyler show up at Bavaria Film and grab the Detour clue. Both teams choose the bottles. As they're running in, Eric and Jeremy finally get the magic label they need, so they're done. BJ and Tyler are changing into their lederhosen, but a miffed Tyler says, "I need a changing room. I'm not wearing underwear." Of course. Of course he's not wearing underwear. Underwear is for conformists. As Eric and Jeremy leave with their clue, they make the girl giving it to them smear her lipstick all over them so they'll have it on their faces at the mat. As Phil explains, the pit stop clue requires the teams to travel ten miles to Munich and find a "monument to peace."
“ It's so interesting, because either that's a lie, in which case he's an asshole for saying it, or else it's the truth, in which case he's an asshole for saying it. ”
Lake and Michelle and BJ and Tyler are starting in on the bottles. "You're going to break a bottle on my head," Michelle says, a little disbelievingly. "Yes!" Lake says with enthusiasm. Heh. Eric and Jeremy get in their car and head for Munich. In the car, they congratulate themselves for the lipstick smudges.
Unsurprisingly, Tyler is mugging and goofing the entire time they're doing the bottles. He also whines at one point that BJ is hitting him too hard. Lake mentions the same thing to Michelle: "All you have to do is barely hit me." "Oh, shut up and take it like a man," she tells him, and he laughs. He barely touches her with the bottle on their try, and she argues that it actually hurt more because he did it so softly. They get a label, in spite of not having complete agreement on proper technique (and who ever does, really?) and they leave the Detour in second place. BJ and Tyler find their clue . BJ does an exaggeratedly hammy goofy thing as he tells the clue woman in German that he wants to go dancing with her. She says that's nice of him. She does not seem all that amused, except in a sort of obligatory way. She is not exactly falling over with the hysterical laughter BJ was clearly looking for. They leave.
Fran and Barry choose the dancing. Yeah, I don't know. Inside, they work on learning the dance. On their first shot, they can't do it, so they ask to try again. This could take a while, people.
Eric and Jeremy approach the pit stop. They hop out of their car and run to the mat. Congratulations, you are team number one. And you have won a trip to Africa. Phil asks about the lipstick on their faces, and they explain how they made the clue lady kiss them. Phil calls them "the biggest Casanovas we've ever had on The Amazing Race." Eric responds to this by talking about how Danielle and Dani are "sweethearts," and Jeremy says he hopes they make it to the mat so that there can be "more tongue-wrestling." Huh. It's so interesting, because either that's a lie, in which case he's an asshole for saying it, or else it's the truth, in which case he's an asshole for saying it. Phil looks like he might be sick, and I agree.
Somehow, Lake and Michelle have wound up behind BJ and Tyler, so these teams are right together approaching the pit stop. Michelle gets frustrated about trying to navigate, and Lake says, "Baby, zip the negativisim now. It's not positive; just don't say it." She shifts into exaggerated praise of him. BJ and Tyler run backwards to the mat for absolutely no reason whatsoever. BJ looks at the greeter, who happens to have a long, white beard, and says, "Santa." Which might be funny if there were a break from this, ever, but as it is, it just feels like an endless stream of being grabbed by the collar and instructed to laugh. "Laugh, dammit!" Also, I don't really appreciate the implication that Santa would lower himself to work as a greeter. Anyway, they are team number two. Lake and Michelle, you are team number three. They're happy, and they high-five.
“ She apologizes, but her mom isn't satisfied: 'You've been walking; she was running.' Eh. True, butI'm not sure that's going to help at this point. ”
Back at the dancing, Fran and Barry "complete" the Detour, by which I mean that they stand there while the music plays and the other people dance, and Barry does about three-quarters of the dance, and Fran does no more than half of it. It's completely absurd that this results in their getting the clue, because the entire point is learning all the steps. If you don't make them learn all the steps, then people aren't competing equally, because the rules aren't being applied the way they're explained in the clue. I hate it when this happens. It's locals trying to be nice, basically, but it makes things unfair. They're not feeble; it's not like you can't teach them the steps if you stay and make them learn. At any rate, Fran and Barry get the pit stop clue.
Joseph and Monica get to Bavaria Film just as Fran and Barry head to Munich. Joseph and Monica are doing the bottles as well. They laugh at the absurdity of the task. Ray and Yolanda arrive, as do Dave and Lori, but Dave and Lori are a little more clued in to where the entrance is, so they hit the clue box first. Both teams go with the bottles. Inside, Ray wonders whether the lederhosen he's trying to put on are giving him trouble because they're backwards. Yolanda doesn't think that's the issue. "Your butt's just big," she says. He laughs. Lori, meanwhile, has such trouble with her outfit that Ray and Yolanda get to the bottles before they do. So now, Ray and Yolanda are joining Joseph and Monica at the bottle option. Dave and Lori soon jump in. Just then, a large band led by tootling clarinetists comes tromping through, which is delightfully random. Bottles are broken, more bottles are broken, and Dave and Lori get a magic label first. Monica and Joseph, on the other hand, are starting to get irritated.
And now, back to the field. Remember the field? It's where Wanda and Desiree and Danielle and Dani are. Looking for the gnomes. Remember? The "Roadblock"? At any rate, Dani and Desiree take the task. Incidentally, if you've ever wondered whether "Dani" is something of a cheat so that this team isn't named "Danielle and Danielle," it is. Because the one they call "Danielle" says to the one they call "Dani" as she's starting the Roadblock, "Danielle, fast." Desiree, for her part, seems to be a trifle confused, as she seems to think you have to dig in the hole rather than just peeking in the hole, which may be costing her time. Dani reaches into a hole under some feet and pulls out a gnome. She and Danielle are on their way. Desiree feels like she's already looked in every single hole. She apologizes, but her mom isn't satisfied: "You've been walking; she was running." Eh. True, butI'm not sure that's going to help at this point. "The fact of the matter is," Desiree says, "they're all gone." Tearfully, she says she just doesn't know where there is left to look.
Commercials. Cereal: same as shampoo. Where is there to go, really?
“ I think that double leg really, really took it out of them. I sense that Desiree puts a lot of responsibility on herself to keep things together, probably more even than her mom requires, so I think she's in a high-pressure situation of her own making, a little bit. ”
We return to Desiree, still unable to figure out how to find a gnome. Wanda tells her not to get upset, but to keep looking. Finally, Desiree finds one, but when they get going, they're well in last place.
Fran and Barry, you are team number four.
Joseph and Monica and Ray and Yolanda are not enjoying the bottle-breaking. Here comes the band again! Monica is so frustrated that she suggests they Bald Snark it over to the dancing. That would normally be a bad idea, but of course, the dancing is being judged according to effort, apparently, so it might not work out too badly. Ray and Yolanda are surprised, and expect that MoJo might be back. But over at the dancing, again, it turns out that you only have to sort of, kind of, mostly do the dance. Actually, MoJo is a damn sight better than Barry and Fran, and I can't really complain about their execution when they finally get their clue. The cheer that goes up alerts Ray and Yolanda that the dance might not be so hard after all, and they abandon the bottles, too. Again, it looks like Ray and Yolanda are much, much closer to doing the dance than Fran and Barry were.
Welcome, Dave and Lori. You are team number five. Dave notes that they're proud of rising from ninth place to fifth place in the second half of the leg. Can't argue with that.
Welcome, Joseph and Monica, you are team number six. Welcome, Ray and Yolanda. You are team number seven.
Danielle and Dani are arriving at Bavaria Film, and they take the dancing. They start to learn the moves from the teacher guy. Desiree and Wanda are just approaching the Detour box. They, too, take the dancing. Inside, Danielle and Dani do a pretty fine job with the folk dance, and they get their clue and leave. As they're leaving, Wanda and Desiree are on the way in, so the teams were separated, apparently, by however much time it takes to do the dance Detour. Danielle and Dani rush off for the pit stop as Wanda and Desiree start trying to learn the dance. Desiree's version of the dance is not so hot, in part because she seems to be about to shut down entirely, but they get the clue anyway. I suspect that all the dancers are just about ready to go home and not in the mood to nitpick.
And then, Danielle and Dani, asking for directions into Munich. Wanda and Desiree, heading for the monument. Danielle and Dani, asking for more directions. And then, as Wanda and Desiree approach the monument, they see Danielle and Dani. So it appears that Danielle and Dani did indeed squander a large lead on the way from the Detour to the pit stop -- almost enough to make a difference. Both teams realize they are right together, and both park and run. But up to the pit stop comeDanielle and Dani, who are team number eight.
Wanda and Desiree come up to the pit stop, and the greeter says, "Welcome to Munich, Germany," in a way that might as well say, "I'm so sorry your dog died." Phil tells them they are last, and they are Philiminated. "We got lost," Desiree says. "A lot." Desiree does says she's proud of her mom, but she also says "these past four days have been hell." I think that double leg really, really took it out of them. I sense that Desiree puts a lot of responsibility on herself to keep things together, probably more even than her mom requires, so I think she's in a high-pressure situation of her own making, a little bit. She praises her mother in a post-game interview. Wanda also says she loves her daughter, and the race reassured her that Desiree is very independent.
Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Laundry. Frustration. Boy, have I been there.