I Am In Russia, Playing With The Dolls

Recapped by Miss Alli · Aired 2006-03-14 · S09E03

“ I have waited a very long time for Phil's pants to stop looking like he got them out of the costume trunk at a college theater department, so whoever is responsible, I want to thank you personally for proving that Phil has a perfectly normal waist, as long as you don't put him in girl pants. ”
Miss Alli
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Previously on Stairway To A Cardiac Event: The Roadblock Of One Million Stairs, The Detour Of Sugar Cane Or Climbing, and The End. Eric and Jeremy found time to be so skeevy that they left a little trail of blech-teria everywhere they went, BJ and Tyler found time to shtick to the plan, and Fran and Barry found time to continue their dissertation research on the topic of everything a team can possibly do wrong while racing. But no team could match the ineptitude of Lisa and Joni, who couldn't figure out how to drive their VW Beetle, and not just because they were too tall to fit inside it. The sisters fell so far behind, in fact, that even after Fran and Barry's car battery found being in their presence so depressing that it committed ritual suicide, it wasn't enough to matter, and the very loud -- and in one case, very emotional -- ladies were sent home. That's two teams that annoyed me gone in the first two weeks, meaning that I am very close to proclaiming the season to be "on a roll." It is rolling, specifically, over people I don't especially like, and nothing can be any better than that. Who will be eliminated ? Will it be someone enormously irritating? The odds are good.

Credits. Didn't I used to like all the gym-rat boys, even when they were basically affable dullards? Why has my shallowness deserted me in the case of Eric and Jeremy? I look at them in those beach shots and just want to tell them to put their damn clothes on. I can't tell if I'm feeling prudish or just bored. Is this what it feels like to be a person of substance? I don't really like it.

Commercials. I don't think you want people to feel like they have to take out a restraining order against the gnome, Travelocity, so you might stop making ads where it floats outside people's windows like a stalker. If it becomes the Bad Touch Gnome, it's not going to do great things for your PR situation.

Music returns us to the Brazilian countryside, where several cows stare at the camera in a way that seems very condemning. We're pissing off the international cows, people. The situation is serious. Phil tells us that we are in a farming community, and -- hey, Phil looks great! He looks normal! The pants fit! I have waited a very long time for Phil's pants to stop looking like he got them out of the costume trunk at a college theater department, so whoever is responsible, I want to thank you personally for proving that Phil has a perfectly normal waist, as long as you don't put him in girl pants. Properly Phitted Phil tells us that this was the second pit stop, and we learn that in addition to the mandatory resting, there was mingling.

In fact, the very first thing on Properly Phitted Phil's agenda is to tell us that during this pit stop, "Eric and Danielle and Jeremy and Dani paired up." Now, I don't know what "paired up" means to you, but in the case of Eric and Danielle, they are shown sitting together, and in Jeremy and Dani's case, they are shown walking together and not touching. The only people who think that's what "paired up" means are found at Jane Austen conventions and Oral Roberts University. "We just hooked up with them right away," Jeremy says, abusing the language some more, as Eric lifts the back of Danielle's jacket to grab another look at her ass and she -- notably -- pushes his hand away. Eric claims in an interview that they all were "talking about naughty things," but other than that? If you're looking for canoodling footage or even particularly convincing flirting footage, there's...nothing. Now, sometimes, they've teased these things kind of early, as I think they did with The Incomprehensible Love Of Flo and Drew (ack), so maybe they're going somewhere with this. For the time being, though, given that they're being followed around by cameras, there's really not much to see yet. I might just be hoping the girls have more sense than this. In other E/S/M news, Barry is a very, very hairy man. It's like he jumped in a vat of syrup and then rolled around in whatever they use to make synthetic Santa Claus beards.