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Previously on Crumpling Moppet Theater: Costa Rica was the bunching capital of the world, and also the intrigue capital of the world, as the Paolos Yielded the Weavers. Phil refers to this as "conspiring," which...man, don't crank the morality machine, Phil; there's already smoke coming out of the gears. The Weavers responded by holding fast to Jesus' general distaste for blue-collar workers, and by explaining that the Gadzookskis are bad people because they have breast implants. And wear hoochie shorts. Oh, never mind, I'm thinking of someone else. At a coffee-bean-hunting Roadblock, Tammy was the unlucky recipient of the invisible needle in the imaginary haystack, and the Gaghans fell behind. Despite God's efforts to again Yield the Weavers by getting their van mired in the mud, the Gaghans finished in last place, breaking hearts everywhere with their sniffling dignity. Now that there's no one on the show who's really worth giving a flying fig about unless you like the Bengals or blondes, who will be eliminated ?
Credits. Man, look at all the nice teams that are gone. Imagine how different this entire thing would look if you had Aiellos instead of Weavers. Of course, you could also have Schroeders instead of Bransens or Rogerses instead of Gadzookskis, so perhaps I should be grateful for small favors. I also would like to say how much I resent being teased with a large elephant clearly being ridden by a local in some elephant-riding locale, because we are clearly not going to be seeing that. Tease. [BOMP.]
Commercials. Oh, man. Anne Heche is in a schmaltzy Christmas love story now. Some people really have a way of making everyone else's lives look really boring. Actually, the creepiness of that commercial convinces me we should abandon the coverage of commercials for the remainder of the recap, because this is already going to be long enough. So Anne Heche is it on this front until time.
The FauxDeans play an upbeat guitar riff as we return to Costa Rica, its lush forests and lingering mists reminding us that we are likely not in the United States or any of its thoroughly oil-drained wildlife refuges. Phil tells us that here in Quepos, things are "sleepy." I'm a little sleepy myself, come to think of it. Also, it's a "surf town." It's nice that you can still be a surf town, what with all the kids and their iPods and their text messaging. Phil strolls on a beach while explaining that this was the pit stop, and I note that his jeans don't look nearly as strange as usual. I even kind of like the tangerine shirt. I believe I will envision Phil as a scoop of sherbet. Teams stopped here at the beach to rest, et cetera. Phil wonders whether the Paolos can keep doing well now that they're not using all their energy to berate each other, and whether the Weavers can "survive being outcasts." Like they care. Blessed are ye when men shall revile you and persecute you, Phil. Don't you know anything?
“ I would think my father's cries for rescue personnel might get me to keep my complaints about him to myself until I knew he wasn't going to, you know, die. But at least DJ's consistent. ”
Meanwhile, the Paolos arrive at the beach, which really isn't as festive as its name would suggest, and while there is some talk of Brian doing the swimming, Mama suggests that because Tony is the strongest, he should do it. That's what he gets for impressing them all so much with the bananas last week. So in goes Tony, headed for the buoy. The Linzes are right behind, with Nick heading into the water for them. (Dear Shirtless Nick: Thanks for the shoulders. It's been such a slow season, and I've had so little to be happy about.) Then we have Bransens, with Wally heading into the water. Wally, however, immediately starts swimming in the wrong direction (of course), so the Tonyas shriek at him from shore to get turned around. Tony and Nick reach the buoy and pull the clue, but while Nick turns around and heads back immediately, Tony falters. There is a cry of "Rescue swimmers!" On the beach, watching people out in the water trying to ensure that his father doesn't drown, DJ snots, "Why did he say he could do it if he couldn't do it?" I would think my father's cries for rescue personnel might get me to keep my complaints about him to myself until I knew he wasn't going to, you know, die. But at least DJ's consistent.
Shirtless Nick is back to his team with the clue, which says to travel by taxi to Grecia and find the Iglesia de Metal. Of course, Alex says "metal" just like it's "metal" in the "speed metal" sense. And you have to admit, that kind of metal church would be worth visiting. It is, interestingly enough, a metal church in the other sense -- it's literally made of metal. Which, come to think of it, has got to be safer, with all the candles and whatnot. Phil explains that the metal church (which the Exposition Hands knock on to give you the full clang-clang effect) was brought to Costa Rica from Belgium. Presumably in a whole lot of small boxes, like IKEA furniture, because otherwise, I'm thinking a metal building is heavy. At the church, an altar boy will give them a clue. The Linzes set off in search of a phone that they can use to, presumably, get a taxi.
Tony continues being towed in by the rescuers, while Wally finally makes it to the buoy and gets his clue. Someone should tell the Tonyas that Wally may be slow, but at least he didn't need oxygen. Wally emerges from the water, and he and the Tonyas leave. As Tony emerges, DJ takes his backpack without being asked, which is fairly nice of him, but he manages to do it so snappishly that his mother has to tell him he could "be a little nicer," even as he's trying to be...you know, nicer.
Nick is on the phone trying to get a taxi, and the Paolos and Bransens are fast approaching. All these teams clump up at the apparently temperamental pay phones and decide to cooperate in getting the taxi thing handled. Tony is put on the phone because of his Spanish, but manages to get somebody on the phone who speaks English, so he requests three taxis. The taxis arrive, and the teams pile in and leave.
Racing continues. In the peanut gallery, one of the Tonyas quietly says to Sharon Gadzookski that she feels bad for the Weavers, being here after what happened to their dad. "I know, I know," Sharon says. Rebecca later is telling a couple of the pinks that she doesn't even like having to be here. Christine tries to show some understanding. "But you know what? Just keep remembering" She doesn't finish, but Sharon compassionately jumps in and says, "It's got to be hard for you." Sharon rubs Rebecca's back, saying, "Your dad would be proud of you guys. Just think about that." Shortly thereafter, we watch Rebecca say, "I hate the Desperate Housewives. They're just so annoying. They lie." See? They can't trust anyone outside the family, even when comfort is clearly what's intended, so they're stuck with only their mom, who is in no position to help them. This is where I start to feel bad for these kids, while I simultaneously cannot stand them and would never want to spend 30 seconds with them and doubt seriously that I would have wanted to spend 30 seconds with them even before their father died. Tommy Linz is the to leave. Vroom!
Elsewhere, the Paolos finally find the exit for the school and get the Roadblock clue. DJ takes it. Michelle is on her 46th lap. Wally, however, is dragging a little, which you can take as your 48-point headline. The rest of the teams note the arrival of the Paolos. DJ suits up and drives off. When Wally comes in for his mid-race pit stop, one of the Tonyas tells him to look out for Tommy, who's lapping everybody. Michelle, meanwhile, gets done with the task and the Godlewskis get their clue. It tells them to drive to the pit stop, 32 miles away at Fort McDowell. Last family to check in "may" be eliminated. But I doubt it. On the way out, they try to get directions. There is bickering in the pinks' back seat. I don't think these girls are bad navigators so much as they all talk at the same time and distract each other. If I had to drive with that going on in the back seat, I would be much more testy than Sharon, in that one of the people in the back seat would be dead by now.
Tommy -- referred to by his siblings as well as the Tonyas as "Bone," which I don't even really want to think about, because none of the possible explanations pleases me -- is setting the course on fire. As he and Mama Weaver take a turn, there is carefully edited dramatic suspense created over the possibility that they're going to have a wreck. Which is...you know. A little tacky, cheap-suspense-wise. Moreover, when there was just the one trip to a speedway, I figured the Weavers were unlucky. I have to admit, though...one race-around-a-track task and one trip to a giant NASCAR facility where they didn't even race around a track but seemed to be there just to be there? That makes me very suspicious that this is being done on purpose, which is really distasteful and forces me to at least feign sympathy for this team, which I really do not want to do.