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Our show begins this week with a sympathy disclaimer of the same type used when the Sri Lanka episode aired after the tsunami. This one explains that this episode was filmed "several weeks" before Hurricane Katrina struck parts of Mississippi and Louisiana. The show this week is "dedicated" to the memory of people who died, and people who are coping. It's a lovely gesture that kind of makes you wish it were a better episode.
Previously on I Got Buttered At Waffle House: Airport "intrigue" barely worthy of a prank-playing segment on an episode of Trading Spaces: Family kicked off a soporific leg that featured splattering mud, delicious waffles, and a guy making out with seafood. People, it's not always a pretty job. A mystery bus ride led to a Roadblock that charged two members of each team with the challenging task of being strapped down and affected by the laws of physics. And at the pit stop, the Aiellos were eliminated, because the world is really hostile that way. On the up side, the Bransens did win free gas for life, along with a 56-page glossary defining "free," "gas," and "life." It's remarkable how lifeless Phil sounds during these particular previouslies. He keeps sounding like he's going to say, "�and I'm really very sorry."
Credits. Can I ask what's with the incongruous monkey in the credits? It's like: Paolos doing their scary head-turn by a garbage truck. Horses running. Purple mountains' majesty. Black family doing Tae Kwan Do. "Hyah!" Black family smiling warmly by a river. A plane making a showy dipping maneuver over this land, which is made for you and me. Wally and the Tonyas grinning as they take in suburbia from the comfort of their bikes. Wally and the Tonyas radiating warm togetherness in front of a typical American home. Monkey looking around nervously. Weavers, leading their horses across a field of grass. Aiellos, screwing around in their backyard...do you see what I'm saying? What's the relevance of the monkey? [BOMP.]
Commercials. I would like to register my objection to these "Amazing Achievement" CBS commercials if they're going to continue plotzing over such feats as Reichen and Chip handing some fruit over to a bunch of harmless orangutans. That's not even the most amazing thing that happened in that episode. What happened to Millie going batshit crazy? Now that was amazing.
Rockets! Phil explains that we are at the U.S. Space and Rocket Center in Huntsville, Alabama, where the teams engaged in bits of local color such as signing on to America Online. He calls it "one of NASA's most prestigious research facilities," and "a living tribute to America's exploration of space." I like the idea that a research facility is "living." Maybe if it's crawling with bacterial samples. And here we are, at the space shuttle Pathfinder, and...don't even ask me what they're doing dressing Phil this week, seriously. It's like as part of the Family Edition bumbledee-doo, they've decided to purchase all of Phil's clothing from the Pasty Tourist Dad Collection. He's wearing hiked-up white pants (GAH!), along with a shirt with wide vertical stripes in green and white. This is what you get if you are forced to improvise an outfit out of nothing but picnic tablecloths. Can I make a request that Phil never wear white pants again? Would that be a hard rule to follow? Is there some contract with the Unflattering Trouser Company that can only be paid off in trade? Is something compelling wardrobe to continue shopping at Irregular Crotches For Men? Because there are times when even clothing that is being sold at a 40 percent markdown should not be purchased, even if you are blowing the rest of the budget on securing that killer Roadblock location at the Kenosha outlet mall. Anyway, Pathfinder -- or, rather, a random stretch of empty ground kind of near Pathfinder -- was the third pit stop. Mandatory rest period to come down from all the blistering excitement, blah blah blah. Phil wonders whether the weird way the Weavers are acting will "further distance them" from everyone else, which hardly seems possible unless it involves simultaneously dancing and witnessing, and whether the Gaghans can drag themselves out of last place.
1:15 PM. Papa Wally and the Tonyas are getting ready to go. When they rip their clue, it tells them to "find the largest office chair in the world." And you thought nothing exciting was going to happen in this leg. Phil explains that said office chair is located in Anniston, Alabama, 100 miles away. When we see a shot of the chair, it turns out that it's kind of just...a chair, more than an "office chair." I was envisioning one of the doodads with the pneumatic lifts and all the levers for adjusting the lumbar support. This is more like what the Jolly Green Giant encounters when he goes to the DMV. It's a 24-year-old "roadside attraction," which isn't surprising, because that means somebody came up with it in about 1981, not one of the most scintillating periods in American cultural history. You can imagine somebody spending some time building a giant chair at a time when the alternative was Rick Springfield. When they arrive at the chair, one member of each team will have to climb a ladder up onto the seat to get their clue. It's kind of sad how there's no activity around the office chair anywhere, but I found Graceland to be the same way. I don't know what I expected, but if you've ever been there, you know it's like, "motel, motel, gas station, White Castle, gas station, Graceland, motel, gas station." Maybe Graceland would seem more spectacular if it had a really big chair in the front yard.
In other news, the teams have $51 for the leg, in case you're keeping track of money, which you shouldn't, since it clearly isn't a factor this season. I'm not sure CBS wanted a post-victory interview in which somebody said, "What was our secret? Well, for one thing, you'd be surprised how long kids can go without eating if you get them hopped up on enough caffeine. Sure, he may lose a couple of inches in height as an adult, but it's not like he was going to play professional basketball anyway, ha ha!"
As the Bransens leave, Wally gives yet another voice-over about how he's always tired, causing that bit to cross the line from "motif" to "old saw." He claims that his "adrenaline kicks in" once they get a clue, so that really is apparently just about all this team has to say: "Wally is slow." Would you like to hear it again? He and the Tonyas take off. "I see the word 'Alabama,' I think 'ugly,'" one of the girls announces in the car. And it's understandable coming from her, really, because it's a rare state that can match the majestic beauty of Illinois. Wally kicks in with a little snippet from "Dueling Banjos." I hope he does that really loudly throughout the leg, because it's an awesome way to make friends. Throw in a couple of references to cousins marrying each other and the Battle of Gettysburg, and you're going to have so many dinner invitations, you won't know which to accept first.
1:18 PM. Linzes. There is some yapping about how they all support each other, and then we see them expressing affection through hitting, as brothers and sisters are wont to do.
“ Inside the gas station, they'll 'search' (!) for Les, the man with their clue. Where will he be? Among the two-liter bottles of Diet Coke? Will they have to wander as far as the Doritos? What if he's hiding over by the milk cooler? ”
Gaghans. Tammy wakes up the kids to help look for the Southern Colonel. They hop out at the clue box. When they find an 8:00 departure time, they take it without looking further. They don't know about the 7:40, but still: Boo! On the way out, Carissa comments that she doesn't like the unlit, uninhabited trailers. "They're eeeevil." Heh. Yeah, I'm not sure a showroom mobile home would be an entirely non-creepy place to spend the night.
Paolos. They pull up and start looking. When the Schroeders see that the Paolos are there and that the Gaghans are still around (I think they don't realize Bill and Tammy pulled a time already), Mark declares that they have to take whatever the one they see turns out to be. I'm not even sure all these teams even understood that everybody was going to get a time, you know? It wasn't like if you didn't grab one, you'd be left behind. Outside, after the Schroeders pull an 8:00 time, Stassi wails, "We're with the Florida team now!" She is way too fixated on that one team, I will tell you that right now. The pinks try to calm Stassi down, telling her that the 20 minutes at the beginning of the day isn't all that likely to matter that much. "One minute makes the biggest difference, though," she sobs and wails. Eh. It's already done, so calming herself and getting some sleep at this point would be a lot more productive than pulling this routine.
Commercials. You know, guys, you lose me right around "bulk pickles."
Back at the mobile homes, Stassi is complaining that "no one listens" to her, by which she means that her father doesn't listen to her. Of course, he doesn't listen to anyone, including his wife and members of law enforcement, so Stassi probably doesn't need to take it personally. There are more efforts to console her, and then Mark takes the family off to eat and rest.
The Paolos, of course, find the remaining 7:40 departure time, which would logically be the only one left, and which also supports my hypothesis that the universe is very, very hostile to my interests when it comes to the narrow area of reality television. Mama comments that their departure time is in "less than five hours," so you can start to understand, maybe, why Stassi is having a freak-out. We're beginning to throw off the sleep schedules, so that's going to affect behavior, pretty clearly.
In the morning, the Linzes and Bransens, holding the two 7:20 AM departures, leave first. They rip a clue directing them 84 miles to Richland, Mississippi. And what do they have to find there? A BP station. I am not kidding. It is an entire clue, and it is leading them to a sponsor's gas station. Inside the gas station, they'll "search" (!) for Les, the man with their clue. Where will he be? Among the two-liter bottles of Diet Coke? Will they have to wander as far as the Doritos? What if he's hiding over by the milk cooler? When you think about the fact that this is this season's version of finding a guy named Pablo in Mexico City without any indication of who he is or where he is other than a picture of a building, you will weep openly. Because now Mexico City is Richfield, Mississippi, and Zocalo Square is a BP station, and locals are Slim Jims, and Pablo is Les, and the picture is an address, a named location, and a mallet to hit yourself with in case you need additional help. As the lead teams take off, Wally contemplates mooning the Linzes again, but thankfully, he refrains. In the Linz car, the boys talk about how cute the bodies on the Tonyas are.