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Horns of Plenty Patriotic are not merely blown but overblown as we gaze at adoringly composed shots of New York City, thinking about how fortunate we all are to live in a country where you can drive an SUV that requires you to have your own designated refinery and still feel good about yourself. Look, there's the Statue of Liberty! As the HOPPs really get cranking, the voice of Phil "Don't Blame Me; I Wanted An All-New-Zealand Edition" Keoghan announces, "This is New York City." And that comes after the shot of the Statue of Liberty, so...thanks. This is going to be better than Weekly Reader. Phil goes on to explain that New York is a "beacon of freedom and cultural diversity," which is mostly true, as long as you're not talking about the freedom to move slowly on the sidewalk. Phil's tiny form is at the base of the statue as he explains that this is the city from which ten family teams will take off for something that is kind of, but not really, an edition of The Amazing Race. The most apt comparison I've heard so far is College Jeopardy!, where as long as you know they're going to go back to the regular one at some point, the watered-down version is something you can adjust to. Anyway, Phil does not say that they're going on a "racearoundtheworld," just a "race for one million dollars," so...make of that what you will. I guess they couldn't very well just call it a "race...around."
We get a look at five yellow boats carrying the teams to Fulton Ferry State Park in Brooklyn, and now it is time to meet the 40 freaking people of whom I am expected to keep track this season, because identical twins apparently were not enough of a challenge. I'm not sure when I started taking the casting as a hostile act, but there you go.
First up, The Gaghan Family. This group includes dad Bill, mom Tammy, son Billy, and daughter Carissa, who is instantly television's most controversial blonde since Deborah Norville. Tammy and Bill are marathon runners, and the kids run 5Ks. Tammy points out that Carissa can run a seven-minute mile, and asks, "What adult out there can run a seven-minute mile?" She's exaggerating, obviously, because a seven-minute mile is hardly unheard of among adults, but her point is taken, in that those are teeny legs to be able to run at a very respectable speed. I like the fact that they show the Gaghans hurling water balloons at each other, because I like any Family Fun Day in which somebody could actually get hurt. Carissa vows that she will run faster than the adults on the race, and Billy says he and Carissa will "work as a team spying on the other teams." He's been reading a little bit too much Encyclopedia Brown, I'd say, but all right. "I might be small," Carissa announces, "but I am not ssssstupid." Right there is your dividing line -- plenty of people found that perfectly dreadful, but it made me laugh out loud, and I laugh out loud every time I see it. I instantly see her twenty years in the future as some kind of really neat lady, snorting at this video of herself and imitating her own little precocious voice. "I can trick any adult that's trying to trick me," she insists. I have a feeling she is not an easy child from whom to hide the birthday presents.
“ Watching the Paolos work on their building is basically like watching them do anything else -- you just want it to be over so you can do...any other activity. At all. Including washing dishes while fire ants chew on your ankles. ”
Commercials. I love any movie that has a trailer beginning, "Jessica Alba gives a knockout performance." I truly believe that the part of Honey where she invents dance moves based on watching kids play basketball is one of the great moments in modern American film, so I'm all about the Jessica Alba oeuvre.
When we return to the Trials Of Team Linz, the boys doing the pulling are bent-over and miserable. The Weavers, meanwhile, finish their building and get a clue to head to the pit stop. Phil explains that this requires them to drive to a farm with two big blue silos. Last to the mat "will be eliminated."
The Godlewskis and Bransens make progress with their buildings. Watching the Paolos work on their building is basically like watching them do anything else -- you just want it to be over so you can do...any other activity. At all. Including washing dishes while fire ants chew on your ankles. The Godlewskis are the to finish their building, and they get the pit stop clue. Good show, ladies. Of course, there is lots of hollering.
Team Gaghan completes the buggy course. Carissa is happy to see that nobody finished this Detour option yet except for them. They're all happy to get to the finish and get their clue. They run for their Yukon. "If we win, I'm going to be so excited," Carissa says in the car. "You're telling me," her dad agrees.
Team Bransen finishes the building and gets the pit stop clue. They're off.
Team Aiello is finished with the buggy at last. They grab the pit stop clue, very relieved that this is the last thing they have to do.
The Linzes are just at the turnaround. Suddenly, farting brother (Tommy, I believe) declares that he has to puke. For a guy who's not doing diddly, he certainly is making his presence felt. It's like bodily functions are his entire identity. One of his brothers tells him to take deep breaths and relax, but he declares that no, he'll be throwing up, thank you. He bails out of the buggy and hurls on the ground. They take off again. Well, at least he weighs less now, probably.
In the Weaver vehicle, they agree to never do a strength-based task again. Well, that'll be no problem. It probably won't come up again. The Godlewskis are getting a little bickery with the driving directions, but it's still yelling, so they seem entirely comfortable. In the Gaghan car, meanwhile, Tammy and Bill are congratulating each other on how well they did, and she's happy to have gotten the "good butt workout." Heh. The Godlewskis? Still yelling. Mama Weaver is asking God to take them to the blue silos. "In Jesus' name, find it," she says. (Yes, I know. But Jesus and Moses are exceptions. Seriously, don't email me.) The Gaghans talk about how exciting it would be to be in first place. "That would be so cool," Tammy says. Carissa is a Phil fan, and knows just how it would sound: "Gaghan Family," she says, "you're team number one." Her mother talks about how cool that would be. "I bet that dream will come true," Carissa says woozily. Aw! She is completely precocious, but she's going to grow into all of it. I think she's going to be fine. ["Her parents could stand to remind her that it only really counts on the last leg." -- Sars]