We Got A Gnome! We Got A Gnome!

Credits. It wasn't until I heard the theme song on headphones while working on the recap on my computer at Starbucks (thanks, computer with TiVo capabilities, and thanks, total lack of shame at appearing to be the kind of dork who does work at Starbucks!) that I truly came to appreciate all the drums, which I think are the secret weapon of that music. [BOMP.]

Commercials. It seems to me that if you have your husband on speaker phone while your colleagues are coming in for a business meeting, especially if you don't tell your husband he's on speaker phone, I really can't feel all that sorry for you.

We return to Jodhpur, India, where the introductory footage treats us to an actual apparent snake-charmer. Phil explains that this is the "agricultural center of northwest India," and that in the middle of the city is the eighth pit stop. On, of course, this "racearoundtheworld." He wonders whether working together will benefit Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly, and whether Meredith and Gretchen will ever stop finishing last. I think you'll agree that the respective answers to those two questions will come as something of a shock to anyone viewing the episode.

11:24 PM. Uchenna and Joyce are leaving in first place again, which makes the universe seem generally happy in a way I'm not sure I approve of. The clue tells them to fly to Istanbul, Turkey, which Phil explains is more than 4000 miles. There, they'll have to take a train to a dock, and then take a ferry to an island called Kiz Kulesi. Yeesh. It certainly seems to be a week for playing Transportation Bingo. I mean, they already have "rolling wooden elephant" scratched off from last week, so that's got to be one of the toughest squares to get. Anyway, there's a tower on the island, and there's a clue at the top of the tower. As Uchenna and Joyce leave, she tells us that they go by the motto "let go, let God," which is...fine, I suppose. As always, I don't think God takes much of a hand in reality-show victory or defeat, but if you're limiting your talk to the quality of your experience, I suppose that's cool. Joyce says that losing her hair was "God's plan." Eh. Again, not sure I'm buying that God wants your hair, but whatever makes her feel better is okay with me. She does say that "there's nothing that [she] cannot do," so she thinks they'll win now. They would be the first pair of bald winners, so that would serve the show's constant need to shake things up, I guess. They tell their cab driver to take them to a travel agent.

11:26 PM. Ron and Kelly and Rob and Amber are leaving the mat at the same time, and you'll notice that the close finish they had last week behind Uchenna and Joyce really was a close finish, and not the charade those things so often are. It's hard to believe them at this point, isn't it? It's like they're the Show That Cried Close Finish. Both teams read the clue. Remarkably, we learn that Sanjay is still with them as they're getting ready to leave. I fear that Sanjay doesn't have enough to do as manager of that hotel. I hope Rob and Amber gave him something. A Sox hat? An autograph? A Burger King gift certificate? As Ron takes a look at the clue before they go, Kelly gives a loud snort of displeasure, which seems to be a not-unusual response for her when things don't go just as she'd like. Ron and Kelly actually manage to bicker about reading the clue, which is never a good sign, as it tends to lead to pain and agony. Let's watch! Ron voices over that the "tension" between him and Kelly is starting to interfere with their ability to run a good race. And, word. And, Ron, you have no idea. And, Free Ron! Rob gives yet another sound bite about how he likes working with Ron and Kelly, but in the end, blah dee blah, there to win, blah dee blah. They either need to find a variation on that speech, or they need to stop running it all together, because I swear I have heard that about sixteen times now, and I am officially well beyond bored. Nicely, in the cab, Ron manages to sing a little snippet of "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)," which impresses those of us who like novelty songs. And who doesn't like novelty songs? Sing it with me! "Aaaand it's one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen wheels on a big rig, and they're rollin'-rollin'-rollin', rollin'-rollin'-rollin'!" Okay, that one doesn't apply here quite as well as "Istanbul (Not Constantinople)," but still. Incidentally, for the confused, that is not a They Might Be Giants song. That is an old, old song. I believe the most famous version is the Four Lads, although allmusic.com also lists one by Lee Press-On and the Nails, which is awesome. I'm not sure I even know how to process that.

11:33 PM. Meredith and Gretchen reveal that $82 is available for this leg. Gretchen explains that they're "still making it," which she finds "unbelievable." Me, too. She says that earlier, she wanted to just get a little farther, and now, she wants to win. Which I think is still unlikely. They manage to step in a few grandparent-like stereotypes when they complain about the stickers on the cab's windshield and how "very dangerous" it is. They'd feel much better if the guy would put one blinker on. Thank you, I'm here all week! Tip your waitress!

Uchenna and Joyce figure that the travel agency to which they've been directed is probably closed, since it's practically midnight, so they're headed to a hotel where they can call and get some information. They pull into the hotel, and when they call, they find that indeed, the place is open. Wow. I guess they specialize not only in flights, but also in flight. As in, "fleeing." Because who needs a travel agency in the middle of the night, besides these people? Anyway, Uchenna asks on the phone about the fastest way to Istanbul, and he learns of a morning flight that leaves at 10:20 AM. He tells the agent over the phone that he's on his way to collect the tickets. They get back in their cab.

Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly, on the other hand, have gone directly to the travel agency, and they're asking about tickets. They learn of the same flight that Uchenna found out about, and it goes through Delhi. They book the tickets. Ron explains that this is the best option they could find, and it will arrive the following day at 8:45 in the morning. These two teams, with Sanjay's help, head out to a hotel. Rob comments that it's a good thing they have a guide, as his Hindi is rather lacking. Heh.

Meredith and Gretchen hit the travel agency and get the same tickets as everyone else. When they're done, they run into Uchenna and Joyce, and the teams chat about the 10:20 flight, which Uchenna and Joyce get on also. So at this point, everyone is on the same plane. At the hotel, Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly bid farewell to Sanjay, who can now return to his life and be fired for missing work. Uchenna and Joyce head to the hotel with Gretchen and Meredith, and Joyce explains that their reason for helping Gretchen and Meredith is that they're "really good people." Ugh. As much as I love Uchenna and Joyce, they definitely have a tinge of that whole Amazing Montessori School thing that I don't care for. I mean, Joyce throws in a thing about, "At the end of the day, they're still our competition," but that just doesn't jibe with helping people on the basis that they're "good people." I like to think I would be a heartless, bloodless automaton in this situation. Everyone checks into the hotel.

The morning, teams leave for the airport, with Uchenna and Joyce taking off together, and Gretchen taking the opportunity to compliment Joyce on her bald head, on display without her bandanna for the first time. And you can tell it's an entirely sincere compliment from the way she says, "You look beauuuuutiful," rather than "It looks fine" or "It's not that bad" or something of that nature. Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly leave , with Rob commenting, "I'm so over India." Yeah, because all they found there was a guy who stayed on as their guide over, like, multiple days. What a horrible society! I get that it's crowded, butshut up, Rob.

And then Kelly uncorks this charmer, which you may think of as the beginning of this week's episode of Really Bad Idea Theater: "Your patterns in life show that you don't make commitments." Ron is a little flummoxed and can't hold back an outbreak of sarcasm: "You're rightI was only committed to the military" Kelly: "And you got out of that one." This is where the scene seems to go into slow motion as we all sit there and say, "She's not really going to do this, right? She isn't. I mean, she wouldn't. Even she wouldn't." Ron, wondering whether she's actually saying what he thinks she's saying: "How did I get out of that one?" Kelly: "By bein' a POW."

Oh, Lord. She said it.

"You left your commitment early," she scolds. "Oh, yeah," he says in disbelief. "I waswhat I did is I crashed myself, I went through hell and torture, so that I could get out of the Army early. I almost died -- but I knew I was getting out of the Army early if I survived it!" He's laughing at the absurdity of what she's suggesting, even as you can see whatever remaining affection he has ever had for her drain out of him. ["About goddamn time." -- Sars] He tells her he's not arguing over this, and is "sick of fighting all the time." You know, as far as Kelly's comments on his POW status, not only do I think that's the meanest thing I've ever heard on this show, that may be the most jaw-droppingly unfeeling treatment of one person by another that I've ever seen on reality television. To me, it's about up there with dating someone whose partner died of cancer and being like, "Well, you can't commit -- you got out of that relationship by having her die of cancer." There are certain things that your emotional emergency brake should be adequate to keep you from throwing in a person's face, and his POW experience is one of them. It's just senseless and awful, not to mentionI mean, it's basically an abandonment of the relationship, because no one who cares about you would ever show you so little mercy. Even if her theory weren't entirely absurd, which it is, it would take about a milligram of human kindness to know you don't throw that at him. Why would you do that? Why would you be socoldtoward somebody you're supposed to care about? To me, that comment is such an act of emotional abandonment that just the fact that she said it -- not to mention her failure to be mortified the minute she heard it come out of her mouth -- basically constitutes breaking up with him. It's an emotional "fuck you" that's so profound that I don't really see how you'd ever come back from it.

Rob and Amber arrive at a travel agency and ask for the quickest way to Istanbul, and they are cited the 8:45 arrival in Istanbul. Rob asks whether there's anything that gets there earlier, specifically asking about allowing for another connection in another city, and he's assured that there isn't. "We'll see if there's something else," he says, and he and Amber leave.