We Have A Bad Elephant

Credits. Gretchen looks purty in the credits. It just goes to show that everyone looks better when her face isn't covered with scabs. [BOMP.]

Commercials. Okay, the Michelin man is creepy enough. The Michelin dog? Really not appropriate. There's a fine line between lovable cartoon imps and nightmarish monsters of marketing.

Aaaaand, Lucknow! Rob and Amber relive their moment of running past a clothesline where the day's sheets and blankets are drying and stepping up to the mat where Phil is waiting. Again, he tells them that they probably think the leg is over, and then he tells them that it's not, and that he's got their clue. "You're still racing," he says. They recover fairly quickly, and they rip the clue. It tells them to go to the train station across the street, where they'll board a train and wait for a clue. The transportation spoon-feeding certainly is continuing in full force. Now they're not even saying, "Go here." Just, "If we give you directions, you'll just lose them, so get on this thing and don't ask any questions." Rob and Amber, "Currently in 1st Place," head outside and across the street.

Ron and Kelly approach the mat on their bicycle rickshaw, and Kelly interviews that of course, when they heard that there would be a mat and Phil, they assumed there was a pit stop. Because...for a person who presumably once applied Aqua Net to individual hairs, she is surprisingly not so detail-oriented. We watch as they head up the stairs and land on the mat. Phil hands them their clue, and they open it and go. Heading in are Uchenna and Joyce, and when they get the news, Joyce works up some phony indignation and says, "What a trick!" Because she's awesome already. They rip the clue and go. Joyce tells us that they were, and I am quoting directly, "like, 'Whaaat?'" And she says it in a high, squeaky voice, too. God. I'm like that every day.

Lynn and Alex are . There is a lot of "Oh, no" and "Oh, God" when they learn that there is no pit stop, as they have already informed us that they were dead on their feet. They run out and go. "Alex and I are freaking out that this leg is not over, because it's been going on for days and days," Lynn complains. Not that it takes anything in particular for them to freak out. Maybe they'll get a nice, long break soon. They seem to want one. What? I am being nice.

Meredith and Gretchen are still finishing up the Tea-tour and delivering the last cup. They finish, and they return the cart to the tea guy, who gives them the "get to Phil" clue. They look for a taxi.

"Come on, sweetie," Rob says as he boosts Amber up over a barricade as they head for the train station. Rob is firmly of the opinion that planned pedestrian walkways are for sissies. Ron and Kelly follow, as do Uchenna and Joyce and Lynn and Alex. Meredith and Gretchen, meanwhile, ride a rickshaw, and Gretchen talks about how "inspirational" she finds the people of India. Spotting two men in a rickshaw ahead of them, and seeing one guy put his hand on the other guy's back, Meredith says, "I think these are gay guys in front of us." One more thing they can cross off that Travelers' Bingo card, I suppose. "He was pretty cute, the one that was helping us," Gretchen says. So they're inspirational, and also? Sex-ay! Those are the best kinds of men, really. That's why I travel the country following the town meetings about Social Security.

In the train station, the teams hunt for Platform 2, which is named on their clue. Well, all the teams, that is, except for Meredith and Gretchen, who are still in their rickshaw. There's no hurry, really. They do eventually get to the roof, though, and Phil tells them that it's not over yet. They head for the train station, throwing Phil a little salute. "Give it everything you've got!" Phil calls out to them as they leave. Hey, Phil, no taking sides! Meredith voices over that they were just "so joyful" not to be eliminated at that point. I have to think they're going to serve notice on future teams that you really can do this with a lot less stuff than you think. Gretchen never did get that orange back, I don't think. Or her calculator.

At Platform 2, Rob and Amber discover that it's only about 1:00 in the afternoon, and their train doesn't board until 9:00 in the evening, so obviously, this is the mega-bunch to beat all mega-bunches. As they pass Ron and Kelly, Ron says to Rob, "What's the deal?" and Rob warily says, "You'll figure it out." And Ron and Kelly, interestingly, actually do! And so does everyone else. No one is at all confused, which is how you can tell it's not very complicated information. And then it is time for the sun to set. So indeed, the entire leg of the race was utterly irrelevant, and it pretty much was predetermined to be so. Never know exactly how I feel about that, really. On one hand, the teams don't know that, so the drama is still there. But on the other hand, it does make it seem like a lot of hot tea slopped about for no good reason.

As the teams stand around preparing to leave, Lynn conspiratorially tells anyone in the audience who doesn't already know (which is no one) that he and Alex have "a loose alliance" with Uchenna and Joyce and Gretchen and Meredith. Joyce voices over that Ron and Kelly and Rob and Amber have what she's sure will be "a short alliance," given that Rob will ultimately do whatever he can to finish first. Once again, we see the race invaded by its goldurn "race" aspect, which has a funny way of intruding on the "let's travel in a big group and be on TV" aspect that some of the teams prefer to focus on.

The teams board the train, not really knowing where they're going, but waiting for their clue. In what rather looks to be the middle of the night, some guy comes around with envelopes and wakes the sleeping teams -- all of whom have sleeping compartments, in a marked departure from the tougher conditions of seasons past -- to give them their clue envelopes. They open the clue, and it tells them to hunt for a clue at the Jodhpur train station. Alex adds that they're also going to wind up spending 24 hours on the train.

The teams travel on the train. Lynn and Alex play cards in their private compartment. Because I am telling you, people are wimps now -- wimps! Lynn interviews that the trip has been very difficult, because he doesn't have his "little comforts." Like what? "Eye cream, skin cream, any cream." Oh, please. He needs to talk to Team Guido about the Pocket Universe. At any rate, Lynn tells us that if he had his skin products with him, he'd drink them. Which might be one reason why it isn't entirely a bad thing that he doesn't have them. He says he thinks it's "interesting" to see how long he can make it without those things. I'm not sure it's as interesting as he believes it to be. Not to cast doubt on how utterly fascinating he is, but I'm unsure whether even the killer editing team of this show can make a story arc out of Lynn's expanding pores. Meredith and Gretchen wait in their compartment, as over at Uchenna and Joyce's, she is teasingly wrapping her gauzy green headscarf around him. "This is what I deal with," he deadpans. She assures him that he looks great. Heh. It's a little bit wrong how hot he looks with that gauzy thing wrapped around his head.

Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly pass some time sitting around, as people do when there's not much going on. Amber reveals the fact that Rob won't go to a scary movie with her. I think Lex probably put him off creepshows forever. Ron voices over that this was their first chance to hang out like friends, and he found Rob "humorous" and Amber "very sweet." Sounds about right. Rob says basically the same thing, saying that they have, with Ron and Kelly, "a real friendship," and Amber says the two teams "have fun racing against each other." Of course, Rob interviews, one more time, just in case you missed it, that "in the end," he's there to win. Got it. There to win. In it to win it. There to get the money. All about the victory. Consider me fully informed.

The train finally stops in Jodhpur, and it's now dark. Everyone hunts around for the clue, and the first to find it are -- you guessed it -- Rob and Amber. They're told to go one mile to the Sardar Market and find the clock tower, which will have a clue on the balcony. Rob finds a guy to tell his taxi driver where to go. Meredith and Gretchen get the clue , then Uchenna and Joyce, Ron and Kelly, and Lynn and Alex. In the end, though, the other teams get taxis before Rob and Amber, and the first to hit the gate at the clock tower are Ron and Kelly. They find, unsurprisingly, that the clock tower doesn't open until 10:00 AM. Bunch-bunch-buuuunch! Other teams follow and receive the bad news, but when they see that there's a "hotel and restaurant" right nearby, they all brighten up. Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly briefly consider sharing a room, but Rob says he'd rather they had their own rooms. Clearly, money is no object, which is part of what's wrong with this season and others like it. It's kind of The Amazing Tour Of The International Hospitality Industry, which is not what I signed on for.

Once Rob is situated in his room, he asks an apparent hotel employee what his name is. The guy says what certainly sounds like "Sanjoo," but it's captioned "Sanjay," so...all right. Rob asks Sanjay how much it would cost to have Sanjay act as his tour guide tomorrow, and Sanjay says he'll do it free of charge. "Can you come with me for the day?" Rob asks. "Definitely," Sanjay says. "Are you sure?" Rob asks. "Sure," Sanjay tells him. Rob thanks him, they shake, and they're set for the day.

Out on their balcony, Meredith and Gretchen watch some firecrackers in the street, which Lynn and Alex tell us are part of a wedding. What's more, Lynn and Alex get themselves swept into the wedding and wind up dancing in a crowd of revelers. Which is great, because this is totally their best quality. If they were ever going to be palatable to me, it would be for being fun and outgoing and kind of rad in this dancing-in-the-street way. Like most people, they're a lot more likable when they're not quite so angry. "It was absolutely amazing," Lynn says. Aw. Cool! Up on the balcony, Meredith and Gretchen are impressed with the mad dancing skillz of Lynn and Alex. Meredith even gives a wiggle himself. That was a nice scene.

Morning. The teams are about to leave for the clock tower, and Rob is talking about the fact that he doesn't want Ron and Kelly "stealing" Sanjay. Rob is happy to stick with Ron and Kelly, but he makes clear to Sanjay that if they split up, he'd like Sanjay to stay with him. Sanjay agrees. Ron explains to us that Sanjay is actually the manager of the hotel, and Rob "coerced" (meaning "asked, after offering money to") him to squire them around Jodhpur. Kid certainly knows how to get help, that's for sure.

The clock tower gate opens at 10:00, and the teams head up. When they pull their clue, the first thing they all spot is a Fast Forward, and Joyce immediately tells Uchenna that they should do it. Phil explains that this is the second and last Fast Forward of the race, and that it requires teams to go ten and a half miles to a temple, where they'll take part in a "traditional Hindu good-fortune ritual" -- the shaving of their heads. Of course, they won't find out that it's head-shaving until they get out there, the better to set up a possible choke of the Brandon and Nicole variety, although we're not quite so thick with models this year, so it just won't be the same. When both members of your team are "completely bald," you can claim the Fast Forward.

Uchenna and Joyce immediately set out for the Fast Forward. Teams who pass it up are confronted with a Detour. In this Detour, you pick between Trunk and Dunk. In Trunk, you go to a specific spot and pick out a teak elephant on wheels that weighs 600 pounds. Oy. They have to push the elephant half a mile to a temple, where a priest will give them their clue. It's physically difficult, but if you get lots of locals to help you push, you could go fast. In Dunk, you go to a neighborhood where they make tie-dyed fabrics. You dye white sheets from a basket, and when you dye the right one, the clue will appear. It's not a hard task, but there are 25 sheets, and if you wind up having to do all of them, that could take a while. Also, your arms will turn purple, and I would say the over-under on Rob's first "Grape Ape" joke when he sees you is probably about eight seconds.

Meredith and Gretchen take the elephant, and he voices over that they chose not to risk the FF, knowing that they would be out if they were beaten to it. Lynn and Alex initially decide to head for the FF, but Ron and Kelly turn it down, as do Rob and Amber, with Rob voicing over that after all, they've been through that routine once already. Both Rob and Amber and Ron and Kelly wind up taking the elephants, as Meredith and Gretchen get directions to them as well. Uchenna and Joyce, on the other hand, are getting a taxi to the Fast Forward. Lynn and Alex want the FF also, and they start hollering at their taxi driver to hurry up. The three teams heading for elephants all run into each other as they run toward the right spot, so now, it's just a charge through the streets, hunting the big wooden elephants. When they get there, the teams position themselves around their various elephants and start to drag. As Meredith and Gretchen ask for directions, some guy tells her to get up on top of the elephant. Now, of course, it doesn't say that on the clue, and furthermore, they really only need directions, and not elephant-handling advice. Nevertheless, Gretchen does it anyway -- climbs up right into the elephant basket, making it perhaps 25 percent heavier than it already was. If some guy on the streets of Jodhpur told her to jump off a bridge...well, never mind. Rob sees Gretchen up there and says, "Honey, do you have to ride in it?" "No," Amber answers firmly. "Why is Gretchen in it?" he asks. "It doesn't say we have to ride in it," Amber comes back. Everyone pushes.

In their taxi, Lynn starts to fret, quite wisely, about the fact that they're already behind Uchenna and Joyce going for the Fast Forward. They abruptly decide to abandon the FF and head back to the elephants. Elsewhere, Uchenna and Joyce are headed for the FF, and he looks perhaps even better than he did at the start of the race. Not sure how that works.

Ron and Kelly are ahead among the elephant teams. Then Rob and Amber, then Meredith and Gretchen -- with Gretchen sitting up on top yelling at everyone to push or get out of the way, depending on where they happen to be standing. Lynn and Alex show up at the elephants. Kelly gets some help from a few locals, and Rob asks Sanjay to tell the people standing around to help them, which he does. It's sort of a mad rush of locals and elephants on wheels and such. Lynn and Alex run by Gretchen, and he calls out, "Oh, Gretchen, you look fabulous!" Heh. And then he says, "This is hi-laaa-rious! I want to ride on top, Alex!" See, I think he would have been a lot of fun if he'd been less of a jerk. They finally get pushing their elephant. Gretchen, meanwhile, notices that she doesn't actually have to ride in the thing, and considers getting out. But instead of actually climbing out, she goes back to yelling at people to push. And the way she keeps hollering "Get out of the way!" certainly would have set off an enormous controversy among Lynn and Alex and their "loose alliance" had it been said by somebody like Rob. Lynn and Alex pass Meredith and Gretchen, as Gretchen reaches right out and tries to grab onto and thwart their elephant from passing. Hey, mitts off, lady. No grabbing. "We have a baaad elephant," she whines loudly. Not a good week for Gretchen, vocally.

Commercials. I love how the government is busy devising new nutritional guidelines while Denny's is deciding that its greasy breakfasts, which are now too large to be accommodated by a mere plate, will have to be in enormous bowls from now on. I wonder where you find the Giant Vat of Hash Browns Swimming In Cheese Sauce in the New Gay Food Pyramid.

When we return, Gretchen is still atop the elephant, and she's still complaining. Some folks come along and help Meredith push, which seems to make Gretchen a little quieter. And I'm certainly all for that. Ron and Kelly are getting help, too, as are Rob and Amber. Gretchen has decided to look her gift elephant-pushers in the mouth, as she disses the little kids who are pushing so valiantly, saying, "We need some big people!" Height-ism!

Uchenna and Joyce's taxi heads for the Fast Forward. Their driver assures them that he knows where he's going, and Uchenna offers extra money if he can get them there in a hurry.

Rob and Amber push their elephant. Rob seems to spot a kid in the crowd, and he starts to talk to him. "Come on, you want to push? You want to push? Push!" He then has the kid by the arm, pulling him over. And then he guides another kid over with a hand on his back. Probably ought to lay off the arm-grabbing of anonymous locals' children, there, dude, whether they look like they want to play or not. I think he was going for a coaching vibe there, but it's dicey without the jerseys that say "Hank's Hard Liquors" on the back. And then, as they go through the streets, Rob says "It's tough organizin' Indian labor." Heh. From a construction guy? Not a surprising sentiment. I suspect he'd tell you that organizing New Englandian labor isn't Mardi Gras, either. Everyone continues to get pushes from the local kids they've recruited.

As Uchenna and Joyce head for the Fast Forward, she comments that she really hopes it isn't head-shaving. "That just freaks me out," she offers. Uchenna tells her he doesn't think that's what it is. Heh. Easy for him to say.

We are now at the Shri Kunji Bihariji Temple of Borrowed-Elephant Disposal. Ron and Kelly, followed by Rob and Amber, drop off their elephants -- to, of course, the sign with the picture of the elephant and the word "Parking," as you do. Heh. Good one, prop guys. Ron and Kelly are the first to get the clue, which tells the teams to go eight miles to the Deora Krishi Farm, where they'll hunt for another clue box. Rob and Amber get their clue, and just as Rob feared earlier, Sanjay is almost Fern-napped by Ron and Kelly, but Rob manages to snag him at the last minute.

Uchenna and Joyce make it to the general location of the Fast Forward, but it appears that the first temple they come upon is not the right one. The guy they meet tells them that there are actually a whole bunch of temples around, but they're ultimately able to extract directions to what they believe to be the right one. In their taxi, Uchenna explains that they headed for the wrong hill, and are now fairly sure they're getting themselves on the right track.

Lynn puts his arms in the air and waves them like he just don't care, a position I fully support, and then Lynn and Alex park their elephant and get their clue. Meredith and Gretchen, meanwhile, encounter Ron and Kelly's taxi coming the other way, away from the temple. Kelly spots Meredith, panting and miserable pushing the elephant and his wife, and she leans out of the taxi, yelling to people, "Help him! Help him!" That was pretty nice of her, actually. I mean, they're not piece-of-trash rednecks, so she can spare them some kindness, and that's a good thing. ["I kind of wish she'd been yelling that at Gretchen. Get down from the ellie and help your husband, lady, he's about to have a cardiac event." -- Sars] Lynn and Alex head away from the temple as well, as Kelly laments that she wishes Sanjay had come with them. When Lynn and Alex encounter Meredith and Gretchen's approaching elephant, Lynn yells out, "Run that elephant over! Oh, please, please, please!" Hey, there are a limited number of possible responses, and not everybody can go with "Help him! Help him!"