Do You Need Some Mouth-To-Mouth Resuscitation?

Previously on Liar, Liar, Beginnings Of A Tragically Cheesy Sleazestache On Fire: Debbie and Bianca played the morality card on Rob, who didn't acknowledge her version of "morality" and therefore just considered it "the card." Everybody made each other nauseous, but no one recognized the foreshadowing. Rob came up with the Super-Secret Bus Egress Delay Plan, which gave him about thirty seconds of racing time but multiple hours of other people's attention, so he wrote it down under "Successes" in his Little Book Of Evil Plots. Various teams behaved like obnoxious, loud, stereotypically American cranks during a grocery Detour, culminating in Lynn and Alex throwing around unsupported allegations of retail corruption. Gretchen demonstrated just what a honkload of noise she was capable of making, and assorted South American domesticated and feral animals sought asylum elsewhere in response. Rob and Amber finished first, and the battle for last place came down to Brian and Greg and their blonde sweeties, creating the first close finish where there was a serious possibility that the losing team would be foiled by hair-wrangling difficulties. The boys pulled out the victory, and a couple of perfectly innocuous women found themselves banished to Sequesterville, the better to succumb to the charms of Ryan and Chuck. At least that's what I like to think happened, because that is some sparkling conversation on which I would have enjoyed eavesdropping.

Credits. It's so weird to remember that the TAR 1 credits had actual scenes from the race. They would so never feed the spoiler people like that now. We were so young once. I feel like this show is ballet, and I am Anne Bancroft. [BOMP.]

Commercials. I hate it when they show commercials for Survivor. Because, like, I already have to watch it. Don't rub it in. (Okay, it's actually kind of awesome right now because of what I'm sure is an entirely unintentional shortage of irredeemable jerkweeds, but still.)

We return to Santiago, Chile, where there are many people and, nearby, there are "Andean foothills." And here is Phil at the pit stop, looking lovely as usual. The banishment of eat/sleep/mingle appears to be permanent, as we have once again retreated to the "no idea what's in store for them" primer. Maybe there was some kind of mingling-related controversy. Maybe the FCC is issuing vague orders against mingling if it's, like, a boy and a boy, you know? Because they would. At any rate, Phil wonders whether Uchenna and Joyce can maintain their good standing after moving up in the pack last week, and whether Susan and Patrick can step outside their save-us-Dr.-Phil bickering long enough to keep things a bit more together this time.

12:34 AM. Rob and Amber. They open their clue, which tells them to drive themselves to Argentina through the Andes mountains, a trek Phil explains will be about 150 miles. There, they'll find a bridge called Puente Viejo, where they'll grab up another clue. Rob notes that the clue also indicates a Yield coming up, so presumably they want to get moving, lest one of the already-declared haters get any crazy ideas. The clue tells them that their cars are parked at a specific garage, and as they take off to head that way, Rob says that he and Amber "definitely have luck on [their] side." He adds, however, that they've been increasing their odds of having good luck by "taking a lot of chances." True, although they've also certainly increased their odds of having bad luck. I think it's safe to say Rob's whole feats-of-derring-do thing reduces the predictability of his experience, if nothing else. "You know that thing, the American dream?" he says, in an interview that appears very randomly placed at this particular spot. "Amber and I are living it." I suppose they could be said, in a sense, to be living the New American Dream, in which fame and money and the cover of Us Weekly, unsupported by any particularly worthwhile achievement, light upon the shoulders of the telegenic like so many chirping bluebirds. They ask someone to help them find the garage, and Rob comments on how nice the people they've been meeting have been. Apparently, Survivor viewership does not run high in this part of the world.

1:24 AM. Ron and Kelly. As they go, Ron tells us that he's not all that sure he wants to marry Kelly yet. She seems to be in more of a hurry to get married and have babies than he feels like he is. I can't pin down what it is about these two, but they don't even seem like they know each other. They appear to be in the late stages of a really, really, really long first date. It's like they're going to get to some major and beautiful landmark, and the lean-in for the smooch will take, like, half an hour. They get a taxi, and in one of my favorite moments, Ron tells her to "tell [the driver] something," and so she says, "Rapido." Awesome: "Give the driver directions!" "Uh...fast!" Let me know how that works out.

2:17 AM. Awesomely, as Ray and Deana leave, she refers to the Andes mountains as the "Andidas mountains," and he refers to them as the "Andreas mountains." Wow. They're in South America, and they're totally flummoxed by the words "Andes mountains." You know, I'm not expecting people to have memorized all the ways out of the country, but..."Andes mountains"? When you're in Santiago? It's like being on a travel show in New Orleans and being like, "Hmm, 'Take a boat up the Miss -- Mississ -- Mississorapi River.'" Not promising. Anyway, in an interview, Deana comments that Ray tends not to pay attention to her, which she finds "irritating." I don't know that I would enjoy the Ray brand of attention, but...I see her point. As they leave, she gripes to him that he doesn't listen to her, and he answers back that she needs to "start asserting [her]self." Because...you know, baby, don't hate the bulldozah, hate the dirt! He complains in their interview of her desire to have him "usher her through every situation," while he thinks she should "step up and do it herself." It ought to work, because nothing encourages confident self-reliance like belittling and haranguing. That's the parenting technique that produces most of the world's highly functional adults, after all. "We just don't want to make any dumb mistakes," Ray says. The music, in this almost obligatory way, becomes overwhelmingly tense, as if a dumb mistake is going to happen RIGHT NOW as a result of him tempting his karma like that, but it doesn't.

3:16 AM. Uchenna and Joyce. Uchenna says that they've had "tumultuous times," and they're looking to "get the wheels back on" their relationship. And...their relationship is clearly so much more firmly wheeled than those of 90 percent of the people who go on this show that it's kind of quaint that they're concerned.

3:19 AM. Lynn and Alex read their clue, and what part do they fasten on? "Yield Ahead." "Awesome!" Lynn says breathlessly. They explain that they want to win, but they especially want to beat Rob and Amber. "We just don't like them," Lynn says, bleeding that sense of entitlement that is already growing so very old. "And we don't want them here," Alex adds. Apparently I missed the memo where Lynn and Alex were appointed social directors of the race, empowered to dismiss anyone they "don't want here" for reasons unspecified. I wonder how they would have felt about Rob saying, "I don't want you here." I'm betting they wouldn't have cared for that. I wonder how they'll feel if I say it. Because I might.

3:20 AM. Debbie and Bianca. I believe they say they have $80 for the leg, and then they take off in a cab. Bianca interviews all about how they've been friends forever, so they have this soul connection, blah blah blah, "stronger and stronger," doodley-doo. "Sheer determination will get us through this race," she insists. I suppose it depends on what one is determined to do in the area of, say, map-reading. But we'll get to that.

3:24 AM. Meredith and Gretchen. In an interview, she explains, "I verbalize my emotions." Which is one way of putting it, I suppose. She says she has "a hard time keeping things to [her]self." She goes on to tell us that she loves Meredith "to death" and, through a smirk, says of her pushy personality, "I make it up to him in a lot of other ways." You know, it's not that I want to be one of those dumb people who think no one over 50 is allowed to have sex, but there's something about the way she says it, all coyly, that strikes me as a little dopey. I would almost rather she had been like, "Fortunately, our blistering sex life remains as vibrant as the day we were married." Because that, I could only have respected. I do love the editing there, though, as they hold on the silence for the perfect brief moment. That's the "Yes, you heard correctly; take a moment to say something to those watching with you" edit. In their cab, Meredith asks for the parking garage. Where they can sneak behind a dumpster and OH I AM JUST KIDDING.

3:35 AM. Patrick and Susan. Susan interviews that she really just wants Patrick to be happy, and she thinks he needs a boyfriend. Aw. It's so good for anyone who may not already know it to be reminded that some things are truly universal. Patrick goes on to say that he thinks his mother wishes there were someone who could look out for him. And he says it in a way that's really endearing, and I think yet again about how much I really, really wish he weren't being such a douche obsessing about Rob and Amber, because I'd like to like him in that college-boy way where he doesn't know anything but will one day have to get a real job and will probably wind up being the only guy in a boring workplace who I could possibly relate to, you know? Anyway.

3:46 AM. In a sequence that is a lot funnier than it rightfully should be, Brian and Greg leave, and...damn, whichever one it is...rips the clue open while doing a whole wrestling intro, like, "Starting in last place for The Amazing Race, six-foot-three, six-foot-four, Smith brothers!" And the other one makes crowd noise. It's really stupid, but it makes me laugh anyway, because my other option seems to be Lynn and Alex laughing at their own nail-breaking jokes, which I can't bring myself to do. ["If it makes you feel any better about liking them (and it may not), if my brother and I went on the show this is roughly what we would be like. Except with more fart noises." -- Sars] Anyway, they count their money and leave, explaining that they don't want to come that close to being booted again. Okay, okay -- Greg has the headband! (Yeah, headband.) At least in this episode. So in the cab, Greg is saying that Brian shouldn't get mad at him for not knowing where they're going, and then he makes mention of driving themselves to Argentina. And then there is the world's most excellent pause. And then Brian says, "Argentina?" So now we have one couple not familiar with the Andes mountains, and one who is surprised to hear about the country that's door. We're certainly firing on all cylinders, providing none of the cylinders require you to have ever benefited from Weekly Reader as a child.

We find Rob and Amber and their helpful local arriving at the parking garage where the cars are being kept. When they get there, they find that the garage doesn't open until 5:00 AM. Boo! That's the kind of bunching that's very annoying, because it's just lazy planning. I realize the bunches are always planned, but this is reaching a point where they might as well just put it in the clue that you can't leave until 5:00 AM. I mean, at least there's usually an event or a facility or something that's legitimately got a task associated with it that might have real hours of operation, even if they're faked up for the show. But considering all the places we've seen cars parked over the years, there's certainly no reason to stash them in some underground garage except to explicitly wash out any leads. It's not like I'm surprised, it's just sort of ham-fisted. Rob thanks the guy who walked them over, and he and Amber head off for their hotel.

Ron and Kelly arrive at the garage and also find it to be closed. My favorite part is that then, when Ray and Deana get there, rather than looking at the sign first, Ray gets all clanging away at the locked door, going, "It's locked!" Like he's going to go all Mr. T on the doors. And then Deana points out the sign, and they realize that they're just going to have to cool their heels for a while. Easy there, Ray. I sort of imagine them all with soundtracks running in their heads, and it's like...less metal, dude. More sitar.

When Debbie and Bianca get to the garage, they have their driver wait while they take a look, and when they see the hours posted, they go back to their driver and head for the hotel to get some directions, because they wouldn't want to get lost on the way to Argentina or anything. HA HA HA! I know, I know, my gloating laughter is spoilery. Just pretend I covered it with black bars.

Uchenna and Joyce get to the cars. Lynn and Alex, Susan and Patrick, Meredith and Gretchen, Brian and Greg. Everyone decides to camp outside and wait for the thing to open. Because it's that or storm it with a battering ram, not that it doesn't sort of seem to be the week for unconventional strategies.

As Debbie and Bianca are inside the hotel getting directions, Rob and Amber emerge, apparently having gotten some sleep. (Remember, Rob and Amber left the pit stop almost three hours before Debbie and Bianca did.) When Rob and Amber get out front, they find Debbie and Bianca's cab waiting there. The driver indicates that he's waiting for Debbie and Bianca inside, and Rob says he'll take the cab nevertheless. He asks the driver how much Debbie and Bianca are paying him, and the driver says they're paying four. Rob says he'll pay ten, and the driver laughs. They have a deal. The driver lets them in and they take off. "Hop in, honey," he says to Amber, and she does. In the cab, you watch Rob say in one voice, "That'll teach 'em," and then in an entirely different voice while he's not on camera, you hear him say, "accusin' somebody of lyin'." And then we come back into the cab, and he's laughing. Something about the way that was cobbled together struck me as suspicious from the first time I heard it, and the millionth time I listened to it, I figured it out -- the "accusin' somebody of lyin'" bite is cut from the fight with Debbie and Bianca in the bus station last week. It's a snip from the line, "Accusin' somebody of lyin', that's personal." So he may or may not have said again in the cab that it would teach them about accusing him of lying, but that particular bite is from last week's show. (And had he said it again, I'm not sure why they wouldn't have just used that.) He also may have said, "That'll teach 'em to go inside and leave their cab sitting out here without their bags." I usually find the show's editing pretty fair; I was surprised at that, because that's a pretty big cheat and makes it look like he was still ranting about old business, which it looks like he probably wasn't.

At any rate, when Debbie and Bianca emerge from the hotel, they find that their driver is gone. "This is retarded," one of them says, again proving that, to the degree that there's any usefulness to that term, she doesn't know how to use it properly. Your cab being gone isn't retarded; it's bad and sort of sucks for you, but...not the same thing. Meanwhile, Rob and Amber get to the car park, where they greet Ray and Deana. Debbie and Bianca, having obtained another cab, arrive shortly thereafter. So everybody is all bunched up, waiting for the garage to open. And at 5:00 AM, open it does. Teams run in to get cars, and then everyone heads out. Navigator Amber tells Rob what road they're looking for, and he says he'll ask a nearby police officer where to find it. As a matter of fact, he gets the cop to drive in front of him and show him where the street is. "Best way to get directions in Santiago? Get a police escort." They get on the main highway toward Argentina, and are closely followed by Lynn and Alex, Meredith and Gretchen, Brian and Greg, Ron and Kelly, Uchenna and Joyce, and Ray and Deana.

Patrick and Susan, on the other hand, pull into a gas station to ask for directions. So far, so good -- if you don't know what you're doing, that's what you do. You can't go wrong anywhere where they give away air for free. As they're waiting at the station, Debbie and Bianca pass them on their way out of town, presumably using those directions they got at the hotel while their driver was renegotiating his contract. Debbie and Bianca finally get onto the highway, though, again, they are "retarded" in their own minds. (Closer. You're getting closer to the proper usage, ladies.) Susan and Patrick? Still trying to get out of town.

Rob and Amber get off the highway at an exit labeled "Los Andes." Seriously. It says, "Los Andes." Just for future reference, in terms of how difficult to miss it is. Amber confirms that this is the exit he wants. Just behind them are Lynn and Alex and a bunch of other teams who, confronted with a task explicitly requiring a drive through the Andes mountains, are capable of taking the exit marked "Los Andes." Meredith and Gretchen, Brian and Greg, Ron and Kelly, Uchenna and Joyce, Ray and Deana. This whole group is basically together, it appears, on the way to Argentina.

Aaaand, very much elsewhere, Debbie and Bianca are checking to make sure they're still on 5 North. Which...they still are. And which...they shouldn't be. Bianca actually says, rather tragically, that she thinks they missed an exit. But Debbie says they didn't. What led her to that conclusion is a mysterious and fascinating question, that's for sure. It certainly wasn't the position of the sun or the mountains, or anything on the map, or logic, or...signs. Because all of those things would have tended to suggest they, you know, missed an exit.

As morning comes, Rob and Amber are driving along a winding, zig-zaggy path up into the Andes, and Amber comments for the camera that there's apparently a Yield coming up, and she has the strange sense that there are some other teams who don't like them too much. Not without cause, of course. As if to prove their point, Lynn says in his car that "everybody said the first chance they get, that they were going to Yield Amber and Rob. So let's see if people have huevos around here." Okay, it really doesn't take "huevos" to Yield a team that's practically at the front of the pack this early in the leg -- it takes stupidity. Had Lynn and Alex beaten Rob and Amber to the Yield here and used it, that would not have been brave -- it would have been stupid, as it would have had no conceivable benefit in terms of keeping them in the race or getting anyone else out of the race. They would have been better off, strategically, using it on anyone else in the leg, but they want to use it on Rob, out of spite. And using it for spite on a team in a situation where you're not imperiled is just plain foolish, and this very exchange goes to show that for all the proud crowing they do in this episode, Lynn at least is being totally undone by Rob's screwing around. He's so focused on how badly he wants to do something to get back at Rob that he's got his eye off the ball, game-wise, because he is well-prepared to do a stupid thing just to try to prove a point -- to actually put himself at a disadvantage in the game because he can't remain above the fray when Rob starts winking and screwing around. If you're going to be above a guy's game, you kind of have to start by not letting it work on you in exactly the way he intends.

Anyway, the teams continue up the hill, and a panting Meredith complains about the elevation. "Easy, Meredith!" Gretchen rather unkindly snaps from the back seat. "I'm getting sick!" She certainly does have a streak of the grump in her. She advises him to "take [his] time." "I've got to watch the roads," he says. "And contend with me," she adds, as if it's funny, when it isn't. In that way, you know, that people do that. She laughs.

Rob and Amber hit the Argentina border, followed by Lynn and Alex, Meredith and Gretchen, blah blah blah, big giant wad o' teams.

Patrick and Susan, rather shockingly, are still stuck in Santiago, and it's now light outside. Patrick notes that it's 6:49 AM, so they've been wandering around downtown Santiago for almost two hours. Just...wow. You can't take two hours to find the highway if you want to stay in the game. You just can't. "We need to figure out how to get out of town," Susan says. Man, I'll say. "I just hate not seeing an end in sight," Patrick adds. I have to say, I feel their pain, because I tend to drive around endlessly when I don't know where I'm going, which is fairly often, because I have about as much natural sense of direction as a Roomba, and about the same tendency to just drive straight until I run out of room and then turn largely at random. But there has to be more than one gas station in Santiago where they give directions, doesn't there?

Commercials. In an homage to my favorite dismissive recap of a commercial, ever, I can only say, bring me the head of the Travelocity gnome.

When we return, Susan and Patrick are still trying to get the hell out of Santiago. And finally, it appears to be working. "Oh, well," they say to each other. And after a two-hour trek out of the city, I suppose that "oh, well" is all you really can say.

Debbie and Bianca, elsewhere, are mildly interested in the fact that they haven't crossed the border into Argentina yet, when they kind of feel like they should have. As they go through a toll plaza (shouldn't they know whether they should be paying tolls or not?), they ask, "Are we going toward Puente Viejo?" The lady's like, "Puente Viejo?", clearly having no idea what the hell they're talking about. Couldn't they have asked whether they're going toward, you know, Argentina? Or the Andes? Anyway, in my favorite example of explosively awesome irony, these lovers of South America, all speaking the language and kissing the locals and whatnot, choose to pay no attention to this woman at all, simply concluding that she's an idiot, and that's why she didn't seem to know anything about where they were supposed to be going. Specifically, Bianca spits with a smirk, "They're all stupid." And right there, I want her out, no matter what. "They're all stupid," indeed. She almost immediately realizes how this will look on television and hastily adds, "Not that we're doing much better with directions, I'm just saying." Sure you are. Nice try at the save, though. When you say "they're all stupid," you're just...you know, saying.

Ron and Kelly arrive in Mendoza and get directions to Camping Suizo. Ron is kind enough to give a high-pitched "arriba, arriba, andale, andale" thing as he's getting back in the car. Seriously, I cannot get enough of the Speedy Gonzalez references. Those make us all look so very enlightened. The entire Spanish-speaking world is pretty much just that and Sabado Gigante, right? Yeah, I thought so. Meredith and Gretchen are also looking for the barbecue. Brian and Greg and Uchenna and Joyce are also in town. Uchenna and Joyce, it seems, find someone who will actually lead them there, so good for them.

Alex and Rob continue eating. "Is it any good, or is it yucky?" Amber asks. "I don't want to talk about it," Rob says. Mm-hmm. Brian and Greg and Meredith and Gretchen are converging on the task. They hop out of their cars, and Meredith and...headband guy take the task. Rob comments that four pounds is a lot of meat, while headband guy insists it isn't that much. Ron takes it for his team.

Rob is beginning to struggle. "I'm never going to be able to eat it all," he says to Amber. He then turns around and half-smiles at her, kind of sadly. She looks concerned. I think he really is beginning to believe that he's not going to be physically able to do it. Uchenna and Joyce then show up, and Uchenna takes the Roadblock. There is a certain amount of trash-talking among the guys currently doing the task, and they continue eating. Alex abruptly turns and extravagantly throws up on the ground. "Don't pay attention to him, baby," Amber says to Rob, who turns and faces the other direction. After a bit, though, he gets up and turns around to Amber. "What happens if I can't finish?" he asks. "What happens if you can't?" she repeats. And then she says, "Penalty." In an interview he has the luxury of doing after the fact when he knows how things worked out, Rob says, "I had to come up with a plan, and it had to be quick." He tells Amber at the barbecue, "I'm not going to sit here and suffer for three hours, like these people are." He tells us, "I didn't want to eat it, but I still wanted to stay in the race." Rob goes on to exposit that the penalty for not completing a Roadblock is that you have a four-hour penalty from the time that the team arrives at the Roadblock. We watch as he gives up his food and says, "I quit."

You know, there were a few posts in the forums this week about the whole matter of quitting the Meatblock and what it means for the show and whatnot, and for me it all came down to how dumb I think volume-based eating challenges are in the first place. I can get behind facing down a legitimate fear in a mind-over-matter way, and I can similarly get at least moderately behind eating unfamiliar and initially "strange" food as a mind-over-matter enterprise. But this isn't really a mind-over-matter enterprise. It's literally a matter of eating until you get sick, and it seems like one of the major skills involved, at least for some of these people, is being able to get yourself to throw up so you can eat more. I cannot stress enough how little interest I have in seeing people challenged to eat until they get sick. Competitive eating is a whole world of freaky shit and hot-dog-scarfing and some Fox announcer saying "five thousand hard-boiled eggs" and all that, and to me, it's like watching a guy haul a pickup truck by the hooks through his nipples or whatever. Just because a thing is something that your body will rebel against doesn't actually make doing it an accomplishment or anything that's particularly enjoyable to watch. Competitive eating for volume as a campy spectacle I can tolerate. I can even eye its devotees with an odd combination of affection and puzzlement. But that doesn't make it a "triumph of the human spirit" situation. I hate these challenges so much, in short, that I wasn't attached to the completion of this one as anything to admire.