4 Continents, 24 Cities, 40,000 Miles

Credits. In the credits of my imagination, Jonathan and Victoria aren't there. It occurs to me that if Industrial Light and Magic could erase people from real events like it can erase them from video, they would actually be more powerful than Yoda. Do you think that qualifies as irony? I do.

Commercials. What do you get if you cross horrific boredom with wretched excess? Yes, that's right. You get Survivor: Palau. Join us beginning week for a whole new season of the same old crap. And with that, I have officially become the Creaky Old Grandpa of Recapping, all, "Damn kids and their tribal council and their wah-wah-wah, don't know how to build a fire."

We return to Shanghai, which Phil promises is the largest city in China. In fact, it's -- wait for it -- a "bustling metropolis." I wonder if it has crowded streets and a chaotic marketplace. Oh, the days of yore. What Shanghai most definitely does have is the ironically named Peace Hotel South, where peace-loving teams like...Hornio...and Aaron and Hayden...and Nuance...will be departing for this leg. I do appreciate Phil wearing the striped shirt he stole from the lost and found at the Shanghai Recreational Center For Wrinkly Old Accountants. I'm telling you, Phil is so cute, it's just a travesty what they do to him with the wardrobe stuff. It's like when a really hot car goes by and it's blasting, like, Celine Dion. Anyway, Phil reminds us again that it was non-elimination, so Hornio lost its money but was not Philiminated. He wonders aloud whether their "determination" will carry them through to the end. He also wonders whether Hayden and Aaron will keep up the strong finishes, as we watch Aaron in pit stop footage making a sort of "ay yi yi" face, which means somebody probably just reminded him that the chick sitting to him is his girlfriend.

11:20 PM. Here go Hayden and Aaron. Her spaghetti-strap top is even more low-hanging than usual, so that's a hell of a lot of boob for the beginning of a long day. She reads the clue, which, if you believe her, tells them to head for "Exxon." I'm tempted to suggest that the challenge will be oil spill cleanup, but then it occurs to me that that reference is older than Methuselah's grandmother, and maybe I should make a more relevant one about corporate meddling in national energy policy instead. Fortunately for my non-desire to do current-events research, it turns out that in fact, the clue tells them to go to Xi'an, pronounced more like "shee-ahn," as Phil immediately corrects in his explanation. As I've said before, I love the explanations where you can almost hear Phil pronouncing the name of the city emphatically, barely restraining himself from starting with, "AHEM." When they get to Xi'an, teams will take a taxi to Drum Tower to find another clue. Hayden explains in an interview that she and Aaron expect to have an advantage due to their "cohesiveness." They are so going to utilize synergy. They hop in a cab and head for the train station.

11:30 PM. Nuance. Kendra pronounces the city "Zen." Nice try, there, princess. Freddy claims that Kendra has managed to "grow" during the race. I agree. She used to hate all of Africa, and now she only hates the impoverished parts. It's enough to make you tear up, all the personal growth. Also, can I ask why Freddy is wearing jams? What year is this? Maybe my original Exxon joke is good enough after all.

At 11:44 PM, Kris and Jon are leaving. He laughs at his own dorky inability to open the clue. So cute with his little hat backwards. Loosely translated using my polite-to-English dictionary, Jon's off-the-mat comment amounts to, "Cabs suck. Our plan for today is less sucking from our cabs, because the sucking of yesterday was really too much to tolerate, even for me, and I am engaged in a lifelong mellow-off with the Dalai Lama."

Hayden and Aaron approach the Shanghai train station, and when they get there, they head inside and learn that the train ride takes seventeen hours, and the train leaves tomorrow morning. I keep looking at their little caption that says "Dating Actors" and thinking that teams I dislike always have stupid labels that provide a hint that I might. "Dating Actors." "Engaged Models." "Formerly Dating." All of those labels kind of make me feel queasy, and guess how it worked out? Yeah. At any rate, the train doesn't leave until 8:51 in the morning, so they're not exactly under the gun.

When Nuance arrives, Freddy points out to Princess Kendra that they have to go in where it says "Entrance" and not where it says "Exit," not that he's not kind of an insufferable snot about it. She gripes about how he shouldn't be talking to her like that. He voices over that he's "more aggressive," and he's "seeking answers immediately," and sometimes he thinks this is off-putting to Kendra. I think not getting her way immediately is off-putting to Kendra, but that's just me. And she calls him "buddy" in that motherly kind of way, and you just know that's having a deleterious effect on his testicles. They bicker on the way into the train station, and then inside, they learn about that morning train to Xi'an. As they walk away, he calls her "mean," but allows that she "look[s] cute," so apparently, that makes it okay. Oh, Freddy. Sars always says that people who are really pretty have to find a way to start planning for the time when they won't be so pretty, and Kendra is kind of a perfect example. You can be insufferable but beautiful, but you can't do it forever. Her unrelentingly pissy behavior is just kind of incompatible with crow's feet, not that his isn't also.

At 12:24 AM, Hornio leaves with their money-free envelope. Turns out that that other teams got $297 for the leg, in case you're keeping track. El Hornio interviews that Nuance really screwed the poodle (tm Apprentice John) by Yielding them, because all it did was make them stronger. Yeah! And they're awesome! And everybody can suck it! Because they rawk! Wooo! You know that's totally what his hair is saying, and has been saying all along, except it says it in kind of a nasal voice, so no one listens. Rebecca goes around collecting money from various people whom I suspect of just wanting her to shut up (as I do), but El Hornio voices over that they have an advantage in that she's so "adorable." Yeesh. It's like he has beer goggles, but without the beer. Rebecca, whether through adorable-ness or something else, goes around rendering the no-money "twist" just as meaningless as it always is, as when somebody winds up staking her to a freaking $100 nut in a single encounter. Whatever. I resent international generosity. Apparently, they wind up with $1230, so that money-stripping thing was a really important plot twist, as usual. They head for the train station. I have to say that when you've used a specific plot twist on your show six or eight times and it has never been interesting even once, it might be time to think about retiring it. At this point, the money strip is the "Frasier and Niles throw a fancy party that goes horribly wrong" of this show. And that's just sad.

Kris and Jon make it to the train station and learn about the morning train to Xi'an. Hornio is right behind them, so everyone is on the same train. Morning comes, along with some peppy, dated music that sounds like the backing track from an inspirational video about starting your career as a stenographer. I'm serious. You could play that scene and intone seriously, "The legal profession is a fast-paced world, and you can be a part of it," and it will make perfect sense. It might even inspire you to quit your job. Anyway, the teams get on the train. Freddy comments that Kendra is happy to be getting a decent bed on the train, and she is totally hoping there is not a pea under the mattress. There's also a great moment when Hayden attempts to enjoy a warm bonding experience with a little Chinese child, and she scares the crap out of him and makes him cry. I think it's the boobs, personally. Kris comments to the other teams that she thinks Jon was concerned that the train would be uncomfortable, and it would make her a "raging bitch." Totally. They might make her sleep on a bed of nails, at which point she would say, "Ow," and giggle, raging bitch that she is. El Hornio chimes in, "A raging bitch is like [Rebecca] on a really nice day." And then we cut to Rebecca, who, unlike Kris and Jon, is not laughing. I'm very skeptical of that edit, but it's still funny.

On the train to Xi'an, the couples occupy themselves in ways that make for nice relationship metaphors. Kendra and Freddy smile prettily at each other. Rebecca and El Hornio lie in their beds motionless, staring at the ceiling and contemplating death. Sweet, sweet death. Kris and Jon? Oh, they're hanging. Because there's plenty of time to make out later. Hayden and Aaron are staring out the window, and I suspect he's got jumping on his mind. Aaron comments that this isn't the way he pictured China, which he expected to be "all rice fields." Instead, he sees corn. Chinese corn! Who knew? He adds, "It looks like Michigan, where I'm from." (Mr. Pseudostudent: "Yes, they are clearly in the area known as the Michigan of China.") Hayden loves the way China smells. I'm not sure that makes sense, if it's really the Michigan of China. (OH! Interstate Midwestern rivalry smackdown bullshit fighting! Don't come at me, Upper Peninsula; I will hurt you!) Phil and the Amazing Yellow Line remind us that this is a 17-hour ride to Xi'an, and I'm betting there's not even a movie.

And then we are there, and the teams are de-training. Aw, El Hornio has the Kitty Hood pulled up. Somebody should really...tell him how that looks. Teams fetch taxis for Drum Tower. Hayden looks a little skeptical as they get into their cab, and on the ride, she asks Aaron whether he's worried that they're not going the right way. He calmly points out that she worries enough for the whole team. Heh. Elsewhere, for some reason, Kris and Jon's cab driver has the giggles, but they get going anyway. I'm not sure you want to ride with someone who thinks highways are this funny, but...okay. Kris even comments that he might be "on something special." Yeah. "Too much green tea," Jon offers dryly. "Yeah. A lot of green tea," she agrees. Hee.

Nuance gets a cab. And it's just that interesting.

Hornio and Hayden and Aaron find the tower, and the hours of operation don't start until 8:00. It's 5:10, so that should effectively wipe out everything up to this point, certainly. Kris and Jon show up, then Nuance. No time for footage of people sleeping or being awakened by the licking of puppies -- there is racing to be done!

In the morning, Chinese people frolic. A drum (logically enough) is pounded, and the teams walk in. Additional drumming ensues, and the teams make their way in a big clump to a clue box, where they retrieve the clue for a Detour. (Nice clue-ripping sequence, by the way. The editing has been pretty dull this go-round, but I liked that.) Phil explains that the choices are Spray and Scroll. In Spray, you travel about 34 miles to a car factory, and you spray-paint a car. In Scroll, you go to a fabric factory and search through ten bolts of fabric on a light table, looking for little Chinese characters that say, "MORON! THIS DETOUR OPTION IS MUCH HARDER!" All the teams, unsurprisingly, choose Spray.

Taxi-hunting ensues. Kris and Jon, weirdly, seem to get screwed by two consecutive cabs that pick up other teams instead of them. Kendra, unsurprisingly, crows about this in the cab once she and Freddy are on their way, because she's nothing if not graceless at every opportunity. And what she says, that Kris and Jon were "nowhere near" the cab, is bullshit anyway, because you can see that Jon hails the cab and they run over and cut him off. I mean, if you're going to poach, poach, but don't be a pussy about it, you know? Anyway, Kris and Jon wind up being the last to get a cab, and inside, Kris expresses some surprise that they kept getting "snaked" by other teams with cabs. Which was kind of weird indeed. She does note that "what goes around, comes around," and the world would certainly be a better place if that were more consistently true. In the Hornio cab, Rebecca is lecturing El Hornio about how he has to put on the uniform at the car factory really quickly, because apparently, she might forget to nag later. It's like layaway nagging.

Hayden, meanwhile, is unhappy that they don't see any other teams, and is beginning to think it might be a wild goose chase of the Chinese variety. She then instructs Aaron to be more upset about what's going on. "I'm getting upset, and I need you to do something about it," she orders. Well, that's productive. When he fails to jump, and in fact chuckles bitterly instead, she whimpers, "Do you not care?" I swear, she's like an ad for Boy Repellent in every traditional way I know of. I just do not understand this relationship. Aaron tells her that they're at the mercy of the driver, and they'll just have to "have faith that he knows where he's going." Over in their cab, Kris and Jon say basically the same thing, even using the same "mercy of the cab driver" expression. Maybe there's a sign on the back of the driver's seat that says that -- "Remember, You Are At The Mercy Of Your Driver" -- and they're just taking the hint.

First to the car factory is Hornio, and they hustle into their uniforms and start for the painting. Hayden and Aaron are close behind. Rebecca, meanwhile, tells El Hornio that she thinks she had a former life as an auto body mechanic, and he responds that he feels like Michael Keaton in Gung Ho. Boy, there's a reference you don't hear every day. Apparently, El Hornio watches a lot of Comedy Central. And then Rebecca tells him, "Nice long strokes." Well, it's no Chuck and Millie yelling that they can't get off, but I'll take it in a pinch, not that I think it's likely to help in the case of El Hornio specifically. Hayden and Aaron also start in painting their car. Nuance and Kris and Jon bring up the rear pulling into the factory. They run in, and are not happy to see two teams already painting. There is a lot of "go, baby" as everyone suits up for the task, but of course, there is always a lot of "go, baby." It is sort of the Go Baby Season. Spraying ensues. Hornio is the first team to finish, and they get their clue and get an instruction to head for the Terra Cotta Warriors Museum. As Phil explains, there is a clay army at this museum, made up of almost 7,000 statues. The clay guys are "the greatest archeological discovery of the twentieth century." (Zron: "There will be a thirty-minute time penalty for every priceless, irreplaceable statue you break.") I've seen this museum on some show before, but I'll be damned if I can remember where I've seen it. I would have said it was on this show, but I guess not.

El Hornio compliments Rebecca on how cute she looked while painting, and they run outside and hop back into their cab. Rebecca prattles on for a bit about how happy she was to finish ahead of Hayden and Aaron for once. And she likes being in first, and that never happens! And then she kisses El Hornio. Ew. And now he's all painty, too, and his horns are getting all kinds of long now that he hasn't had them...filed, or whatever, in quite some time.

Hayden and Aaron finish their car . They get their clue and leave, but not before Hayden makes it clear to the guy handing them their clue that he's not doing it fast enough. And what I love is that when she decides the guy is lollygagging, her response is to whine, "Aaron," as if he's going to punch the clue guy or throw him into a wall or something. I mean, he doesn't seem to speak Chinese any more than she does, so I'm not sure what he's supposed to do about it, but anyway. "Fast, fast, fast, fast," Hayden orders their cab driver as Aaron notes that they're pretty close on the Hornio heels. (Hornio would look awesome in heels, by the way.) Speaking of which, Hornio is currently losing their Very Special Lead to a Very Special Government Motorcade, and yes, I think all of us in attendance were thinking it was probably that crazy President of Senegog again.

Commercials. Man, I have grown to hate Vince Vaughn. Everything started out so well in Swingers.

When we return, Hornio is still stuck in traffic in their lonely little cab, lamenting the fact that Aaron and Hayden are now either behind them in the bunched-up mess, or "went a different way." As it turns out, it's the second one. And they way they went is "different" in the same way that a guy who wears a Boba Fett figurine around his neck and sleeps on a bed of comic books and only eats Cap'n Crunch is "different." Because in the Aaron/Hayden cab, she is lamenting that 35 minutes of driving around has, so far, not netted them anything. They're clearly not convinced that their guy knows where he's going. And Hayden points out that it isn't a "frickin' leisurely stroll." That's right -- Hayden is serious about competition! Hayden doesn't believe in lollygagging! Hayden is intense! Just something to remember.

Back at the factory, Kris and Jon finish the car-painting first, leaving Nuance in last place. My pretty, pretty favorite team runs out and jumps into their cab. In the back seat, Kris frets more than is traditional for her about the fact that Hornio and Hayden and Aaron were well ahead of them in getting to the Detour, and she doesn't understand why her cab drivers are always so pokey. Finally, Nuance manages to finish the car and get going, but they are Currently In Last Place. They get in their cab, and despite not being certain that they're communicating with their cabbie, they take off. There is certainly a lot of gambling on your cabbie going on today.

Aaron and Floden and Hornio wind up running for the pit stop together, actually, and when Floden and Aaron step up, they find that they are indeed getting a four-hour penalty for failing to do the Roadblock. Of course, it was 24 hours when it was Momily, but whatever. This season is about nothing if not making sure that nothing you do fully knocks you out of the race except for a random and meaningless mistake fifty-two minutes into the show. So Floden and Aaron are out, and Hornio is in.

Floden opines on the mat that she let her partner down. Which she did. And then he goes on to say that he couldn't have asked for a better partner, so apparently he doesn't even care if you fucking bail, so that's totally ass of him also. And then after they smooch, he says he has something to ask her. And I really can't recap what comes , except to say that it's probably the first time I've ever loudly booed a marriage proposal. BOOOOO! El Hornio stands there blinking, like, "Dude." Like a kitty caught in the headlights, if you will. And Phil says, "Wow," because what else can you say? So Floden says yes, and they'll get married, and he thinks she's great, and people are so goddamn goofy sometimes that I honestly can't believe it, but bully for them, I suppose. She interviews about blah blah blah, together forever, and I officially have a heart filled with motor oil, because I just absolutely do not care.

The palate-cleansing visages of my favorite team come up , as Kris talks about how they have everything it takes to finish first on the (and, obviously, final) leg. And Kendra says that "it's a new race now," and she and Freddy will be better than ever. With, hopefully, less whining about other cultures as we get closer to the United States. El Hornio says that now, it's win time. A little montage of teams promising that they're going to work their hardest to win goes by, and then it's time for the break.

Commercials. That thing with Gladys Knight playing rugby is just wrong.

When we return, we are in Xi'an, which Phil says is "rich in history," and used to be the capital. And then there's the eight-mile wall that was the pit stop. Well, not the entire wall, probably, although come to think of it, I kind of wouldn't be surprised to see El Hornio eating and sleeping at one end and Rebecca mingling at the other.

5:27 AM. Kris and Jon, still my favorite team just as much as they were yesterday, are ready to go. They are visor-less this morning, which emphasizes the fact that if a cuter boy has ever been on this show, I've certainly never seen him. The clue refers to starting "the journey home," and tells them to start by heading to Honolulu, Hawaii. Phil explains that this 5600-mile trip to Honolulu will lead to a drive to a state park where they'll get a clue. Kris absolutely beams as she reads the clue that says they have $200 for the leg. Phil explains also that local law doesn't let you book international departures from the airport, so they'll have to reserve through a local travel agent or a business center before they go to the airport. Kris and Jon head back to their hotel, as they voice over some more about winning, and about the new focus on that rather than on not being eliminated. Back at the hotel, they learn that the business center isn't open yet, and they start to call travel agents to see if they can book their tickets.