Are There Instructions On Donkey-Handling?

Credits. In the credits of my imagination, Don and MJ bare their teeth, which turn out to be pointy. Because you know what's funny? Vampire teeth you clean with Polident.

Commercials. Wow, now they're putting battery-powered fans in an air freshener. And to think I was wasting all this time, like, washing the dishes and bathing.

"NEEP-NEEP-NEEP-NEEP-NEEP!", the music frenetically wails as we return to the green and mountainous landscapes of Corsica. Look, it's Julie Andrews and seven small children! They sure walked a long way. Phil reminds us that the pit stop for the leg was theoretically an overlook high above a port city. Of course, the actual pit stop was likely at the Scenic Overlook Hilton Corsica, but there's no point reminding the audience that the racers can now take time out from their hard-charging racing schedule to order pastries and orange juice from room service. Also, Phil is wearing drab blue-green, and his hair looks funny. I'm getting really grumpy. At any rate, the teams have now experienced their mandatory rest period, and they're all ready to begin their optional bitching and arguing period, which they will just treat as mandatory. Hayden and Aaron, Phil reminds us, had to turn in all their money, and they won't be getting any more. And sadly, I think you know Hayden isn't hiding any in her bra, as women sometimes do, for the same reason you know Aaron isn't hiding any in his tall stovepipe hat. Phil wonders aloud whether Hayden and Aaron will rebound. Try not to envision Hayden bouncing off of anything when you hear the word "rebound," not that I don't totally understand. Because I do.

12:12 AM. Hornio. El Hornio, this morning, is sporting a white hood. And considering that he's pairing it with a black sleeveless shirt? Yeah. Not really feeling it. He looks like he just got in from his rap video, which he filmed on the Stairmaster at Bally's. They read the clue, which tells them to take a ferry to Nice. Phil explains that when they get there, they'll go to the city garden, where they'll find a statue with a clue to it. And now...unnecessary zoom! As Hornio leaves the mat, Rebecca comments that she doesn't think ferries will be leaving in the middle of the night. This is probably, somehow, El Hornio's fault. Rebecca interviews that they have "great moments" in their relationship, but they have bad ones, too. In case you didn't notice. Where they want to "kill each other." And unless you're starring in some kind of a cop/quarry flick with homoerotic undertones, the love and the wanting to kill each other don't match up so well. They adjourn to the hotel, and when they're asked about the ferry, they learn that it leaves at 11:30 the morning. Not surprising, of course. The Department of Race Planning wouldn't want to leave any possibility that anyone could fall behind and steal any of the suspense from the last ten minutes of the show that is intended to determine the entire course of the episode.

2:03 AM, Nuance. Apparently, the amount of money for the leg is $143, and they count it and take off. Freddy explains that their "team chemistry" is great, except for the part where she tells him she won't tolerate the way he talks to her. And, you know, the part where he throws up and then eats it. Not that that really has much to do with team chemistry, but I really can't stop thinking about it. I see him; I think of soup. It's so sad, because I used to think about much more pleasant and dirty things. They, too, get the news that the ferry leaves at 11:30. I don't think I like Unshaven Freddy. Some boys are meant to be pretty, and when they go all scruffy, they look like they're in jail, where they are probably someone's bitch. I'm just saying -- unsettling.

2:13 AM. Lori and Booooooo-lo! For some reason, I am abruptly possessed by the need to pronounce their names inside my head like I'm a wrestling announcer. So now, all I can hear inside my head is, "Lori and Boooooo-lo!" Sigh. This is your brain on reality television. Any questions? Oh, and yes, Bolo refers to the city as "Nice," with the long "I." Indeed, it's the city so nice, they didn't actually name it Nice. In other news, Bolo has apparently been weighing himself surreptitiously, because he claims to have lost twenty pounds. And that's a lot on a guy that...you know, short. They jump on the hotel idea with the rest of the sheep, and they ask about the ferry schedule. And the ferry is leaving at eleeeeeven-thiiiiiiiirty! See? I can't stop doing it.

2:14 AM. Kris and Jon. If he would just get rid of the visor, you know? I really do hate the way those things make your head look like a planter. Wait, that's a joke I'm almost sure I've made before. Aaaand...yep. I did. You can tell my relationship with visors is long and bitter. Notably, the white letters on the captions say "Kris and John." Way to misspell one of your contestants' names, geniuses. Glad to know they've farmed out portions of post-production to a high-school audiovisual squad. Kris says, in one of those granola "interviews" that's more than obviously been assembled from a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and a little bit of coconut, that she and Jon just try to stay focused on their own work and try not to be influenced by other teams. By the way, apropos of nothing, if you didn't get to see Kris hiss "Fuck!" on the Insider videos last week, you're just not living right.

2:18 AM. Dear Jonathan: Please put a fucking shirt on. Sincerely yours, Trauma Surgeons Of The World, Self-Inflicted Stab Wounds Division. Jonathan says that Team Spazpants is "going back to basics." Jonathan will work in "the air" and Victoria will work on "the ground." Especially when he shoves her and she falls over. Ha ha! What, you don't think stuff about abuse is entertaining? Gee, ME NEITHER. Note to show: You fucked up. Don't fuck up again. It's not cute. It's not funny. Stop telling yourselves it's great TV. It's MUCH less entertaining than Omarosa. It's MUCH less entertaining than fucking Fairplay, and he was the biggest and boring-est shitheel in history. You made me no longer look forward to what was my favorite show for three years. I'm not a babe in the woods on this stuff, and I've tolerated plenty of assholes without complaint. But abusive husbands, whether verbally or physically or emotionally or all three, no matter how revolting the personalities of their wives, are OFF-LIMITS. ALWAYS. You dig? Good. Now I won't have to say it YET AGAIN. On with the show; let's have fun!

2:51 AM, Hayden and Aaron. Now how is that possible? How are they half an hour behind Spazpants when there was all that business about the teams spotting each other while running to the pit stop? Was all the stuff about seeing each other shipped in from some other sequence? Because...what? Anyway, Aaron good-naturedly notes that they have no money. Hayden has no good nature to spare, so she says nothing on the mat. She does voice over, however, that they'll be remaining "positive," which makes a lot of sense, considering that we've pretty much conclusively established that losing your money, like everything else that goes on in the first 45 minutes, has been carefully planned out so that it never makes a damn bit of difference. At the hotel, they run into Nuance, who tells them that the price of the ferry is apparently 120 euros.

And then it is night, and then it is morning, and Hayden and Aaron are headed off for an early start on their begging. Hayden pronounces "beg" in a slightly California-esque way, so of course, because he's pissed off at her and grammar is as good a nitpick as any, Aaron corrects her that it should be a clean "beg" rather than something that sounds like "bag." "I know how to say...Aaron, don't be an ass," she says. Oh, big whoop, girl. I know how to say that, too. They walk up to a table and start asking people for money. They get a little from one person, a little from another, and a little from a lady in a pink blouse who holds up her palm all, "Beg from the hand"...it's basically the same dull panhandling sequence we've seen before. They should really get rid of this rule, because never has an interesting plot development come of it. It's just tiresome. Aaron does try gamely to add some excitement by pointing out that they were really embarrassed by having to beg. Other teams arrive at the ferry as Hayden and Aaron continue begging. There is an attempt to create suspense about whether or not Hayden and Aaron will make the ferry, but...have I mentioned that it clearly won't matter anyway? At any rate, they continue begging. And -- what do you know? Everyone gets on the ferry, including Hayden and Aaron. He says they were "so pumped." They actually continue begging on the boat, getting some more money for, presumably, food and such. Because once you get into the pathos groove, you just can't stop.

In Nice, Spazpants goes off in search of a cab first. They are indeed the first to get one, and they clap their hands, because as you know, that makes a taxi go faster. Lori and Bolo get a cab, then Hornio, Nuance, Hayden and Aaron, and -- stuck behind and still cab-hunting -- Kris and Jon. I'm so very concerned about this tendency to fall behind at critical moments. I can't help thinking it's lying in wait for them at some brutally difficult point. Spazpants pulls up at the statue, and they pull a clue. Phil explains that it requires them to fly 4500 miles to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia. There, they'll find a sign-up sheet for a couple of charters. So, to review: A twelve-hour wait for the ferry. Then an international super-flight. Then charters once you get there, just to make sure that everyone winds up bunched exactly as pre-planned. Could really be a half-hour show at this point. In fact, I'm not sure it couldn't be shown during the commercials of other shows. Anyway, their clues will be under the windshield wipers of the vans that will be waiting for them outside the airport, in the great tradition of ads for weight-loss products and ways to become rich on real estate without spending any of your own money. Spazpants takes off, debating whether or not to use a travel agent. Lori and Bolo arrive , then Hornio. In the Hornio car, Rebecca starts talking about how hot and difficult the place will be, and El Hornio breaks in, saying, "Instead of rambling on about how bad, this and that, and your experience, can we deal with getting there first?" He's right, of course, that she is being ostentatiously thoughtful about the problems in Ethiopia, but he's also wrong, in that they've never seemed to be thwarted in their efforts to get anywhere by all the rambling. In other words, he should admit that he wants her to stop it because it's damn irritating, not because it hurts the team. The Model (?) Alliance gets clues.

In the Nuance cab, Kendra is unhappy. "It's Ethiopia. It's going to be depressing, and Third World. We just went to a Third World country," she says in exasperation, barely able to contain her disgust that she's being asked to go back to someplace poor when she's already done her duty of seeing life as others live it and would really rather return to seeing life as she sees it and has always seen it, thank you very much. Broadening her horizons makes her feel icky.

Finally, Kris and Jon get a cab, and in the cab, he's working on the driver, like, "Umm...we're...we're in a hurry..." Obviously, he hasn't received the memo about the importance of clapping and haranguing in international taxi behavior. They read their clue, and they head for a travel agency. It turns out that Spazpants is doing exactly the same thing with a different travel agent. Fortunately, the first travel agent that Jonathan sets out to berate tells him that he's out of luck, because she can't sign on to her computer at the moment. Boy, that is sad. I am so very filled with regret. In the cab, Jonathan cannot believe that Victoria made the travel agent's computer crash like that. "From now on, this is my part," he says, hoping that if he intervenes in time, she won't go screwing up the computers at the airport, too. She tries to tell him that he was scaring off the travel agent (probably true), but you can imagine how much he's listening.

Lori and Bolo are the first to the airport, and they get themselves on a flight via Rome that will leave Nice this evening at 6:05 PM. They decide to keep looking. Hornio follows, but they don't have much luck finding anything any earlier than that, either. By the time Nuance arrives, they head for Air France, but they get cut off by an approaching Lori and Booooo-lo, still looking for alternatives. It's very hard to tell where Nuance even is during this sequence, but Kendra winds up taking the position that Lori and Bolo cut in line. She tells them so, and then she tells us so, referring to Lori and Bolo as "the barbarians" in that lovely way she has. "We're actually getting very sick of their childish antics," sayeth the princess who can't walk through a foreign country without requiring a diplomatic maneuver of apology. Ultimately, Lori and Bolo are going with a flight through Rome, where they'll have to spend the night and then leave for Addis Ababa, not arriving until 10:00 the following night. So it's basically daytime on one day, and they're not going to get to the clue until late night of the following day. It's a good thing Hayden and Aaron didn't miss that ferry, isn't it? There's no way they could have kept up with this blistering pace otherwise.

Freddy works on tickets at another counter, and when he calls Kendra over (since when are the two people on a team allowed to wait in different lines? That's new), she tells him that Lori and Bolo butted in front of her. I have news for you, dearie -- if you're there without your teammate, you have nothing, as far as I'm concerned, and anyone can go anywhere in front of you that they'd like. Freddy, unsurprisingly, does not agree. "I promise you, that'll never happen again," he says solemnly, putting an arm around her shoulders and looking deeply into her eyes. Because apparently, the fact that someone just butted in line in front of her (maybe) makes her...a trauma victim? ["I thought that surely Freddy would burst out laughing right after that and go, 'Not. Toughen up, lady.' But he didn't, sohe's a dweeb." -- Sars] She's like a Lifetime movie with Tracey Gold, only sadder. I mean...there are some delicate chicks in the world, but that's really something. I'm surprised she survives the grocery store. Wait, what am I saying? She doesn't go to the grocery store.

Elsewhere, Hornio gets the news that the flight to Rome that Lori and Bolo are on is full, so they're on a later Air France flight. El Hornio notes that they're going to be in Nice for the evening. Well, that'll be a fun time. Alone in a foreign country with the person who brings out the worst in you...what could be better? Because the only thing that makes dysfunction even more enjoyable is a language barrier and an argument at the currency exchange. Nuance gets a flight through Cairo, landing in Addis Ababa at 3:00 AM -- about five hours after Lori and Bolo are scheduled to land. When Hayden and Aaron show up, they ask Nuance what kind of help they're getting from Lufthansa. Getting that the answer is "not much" as far as anything leaving any time soon, Hayden and Aaron decide to go with Nuance on that Cairo route, so they won't be getting in until 3:00 in the morning on what is now the day after tomorrow. Ow.

Kris and Jon, meanwhile, get a route from Nice to Zurich, Zurich to Cairo, and Cairo to Addis Ababa. That doesn't sound so good, though it's hard to say whether that would have put them on the same Cairo-Ethiopia plane as the Model (?) Alliance. At least they'll go through Zurich and can pick up chocolate and watches and international spy money.

At the airport, Bolo bonks his hat on the ceiling while boarding the plane. There's one for the cheap seats, it's safe to say. Phil explains that Lori and Bolo are the first to get out of Nice. They'll have a layover in Rome, and then on to Addis Ababa.

At the airport, Spazpants sends Victoria to the ticket counter, and she chats it up with Alitalia. They give her a connection through Rome, arriving in Addis Ababa at the same time -- 10:00 PM -- as Lori and Bolo. In other words, they'll catch Lori and Bolo in Rome. Jonathan talks about how "Victoria was victorious," which gives me a whole new reason to look at him and want to throw up, as if I needed a whole new reason.

Lori and Bolo arrive in Rome all by themselves at about 9:30 at night, and because they can't afford a hotel, they decide to hang out at the airport until morning.

At 5:30 AM in Nice, people are beginning to stir. In a shot you could not have made up no matter how long you tried, Hayden abruptly hurls herself up into a sitting position while mostly still asleep, as if she was startled, with all the bizarre facial expressions, bird-nesty hair, and stunned demeanor that entails. Ah, morning: the great equalizer. Nobody else is looking too good either, of course. El Hornio, however, is up with the chickens, and he goes over to the Alitalia counter and wangles a seat on the same Rome route that Spazpants is on. When Rebecca hears about this, she decides to share the information with Kris and Jon. Why? No idea. I don't know how bad Kris and Jon's tickets actually were, but whatever they were, it doesn't strike me that it's in Rebecca's interests to make them better. Why you would bail out a team that good is kind of mystifying to me, but...what do I know? I just write recaps. El Hornio agrees with me, though, and he goes on a bit about Rebecca's "big mouth," and the way she shared the information with Kris and Jon. "Good work, Rebecca," he snorts.

We then move to a most unpleasant conversation between the Hornios in which he tells her that because she gave away the information, he will be the one having to bust his ass trying to outrun Jon and Jonathan to get to the charter first. He has a point, sort of, even though he's totally being a dick. She, in response, rambles on about how much she hates being with him and how bad he makes her feel. A sentiment for which I would have a lot more sympathy if she hadn't been pretty shitty to him herself on more than a few occasions. In a move El Hornio means to be firmly loving that nonetheless comes off creepy, he stops her from standing up and walking off, and sort of plunks her back down in the chair, then sits in her chair with her, sort of half on top of her. Don't do that shit, dude. It's clear that he's actually trying to be reassuring in some weird way, so he tells her he doesn't hate her for giving away the information or anything. Wow, he's just not reading her at all -- she doesn't feel bad because he's criticizing her. She hates the situation, and this isn't going to help. She doesn't want him to be responsible for all the dumb-ass behavior in the conversation, though, so she decides to crank out, "You're very abusive," an accusation for which we've seen markedly little evidence, and...really, you want to watch that. "You're just as bad as Jonathan and Victoria," she accuses, and that is definitely bullshit. She vows that as soon as they're home, she's through with him, and in the completely different conversation making up the other half of that scene (were we supposed to not notice? Sorry), she says that she's wasted all the time on him that she's going to. Good. STOP HANGING WITH HIM. Lord. You know who the guy is now. Don't like him? DROP HIM. It's not like El Hornio's basic demeanor makes it incredibly difficult to discern what kind of a guy he is. He's Weird Weepy Mama's Boy With Little Ponytail Horns. If you find it endearing? Knock yourself out. If not? Give both of you a break, dear. You're not turning him into an NFL player.

Donkey-herding continues. Lori and Bolo pass some children along their way to the donkey pen. "Hello," Bolo says. "Hello," they say back. Aw. And then Spazpants gets their clue. And you'll notice that Jonathan reads it. "Deliver two donkeys..." They run off, rather frantically as usual. Nuance gets their clue at last, and Kendra frets that they're sure to be yielded, because apparently, the clue gives away that there's a Yield ahead.

Spazpants is screaming at each other as they get set to leave. So that's lots of fun. So much fun that...let's just not waste our time, shall we? Oh, good. I knew you'd understand.

Hayden and Aaron, led by a group of kids, one of whom is actually rolling a hoop just like in an old movie, head for the church. Lori and Bolo do the same. Spazpants is still screaming. Ultimately, Nuance actually gets to the donkeys ahead of Spazpants, so, leaving the donkey zone, Spazpants is in last place. And then the most curious thing happens -- Jonathan takes one donkey with him out of the pen. Not two, just one. And he and Victoria walk -- Jonathan still in his red panties -- along the paved road to the church. Victoria complains about how she can't understand how Freddy and Kendra could have beaten them; Jonathan tells her to "quiet down"...it's the same as always, you know.

Hayden and Aaron turn in their donkeys. They step to the Yield mat. Phil explains about how at this spot, a team can force any other team to Yield -- stop racing for some period of time. They can only use it once, although there are only three on the whole race and this is the second one, so it's not like you have a great chance of using it at some far more critical juncture if you don't use it now. Anyway, Hayden and Aaron aren't Yielding anyone. The clue they pick up is for a Roadblock that asks, "Who has an eye for detail?" Phil tells us that in this Roadblock, the person will walk down inside the church and receive a pendant from a priest. The Roadblocker will then examine the pendants being worn by about 100 "worshippers" outside the church, looking for one that has exactly the same medallion. Check your claim tags carefully; many medallions look alike. When they find the match, they'll be given the clue. Aaron tells Hayden she can do this one, even though she seems hesitant. I think to myself, "Dear, you're going to have to do something, and haranguing doesn't count."

Hayden walks toward the church. She walks in very slowly and solemnly, which was much appreciated, at least by me. She sort of bows to the priest as he bows to her and gives her the medallion. As she walks out, she voices over about the amazing "energy of the place." Outside, she starts looking at guys in white robes.

Lori and Bolo, Kris and Jon, and Hornio are all close together bringing their donkeys toward the finish line. Kendra, on the other hand, is having an asthma attack, apparently a long-forgotten ailment of her youth. Freddy assures her that she's just hyperventilating, and she needs to control her breathing. "I'm okay," she says to a nice local kid -- maybe a young teenager -- who's suddenly walking beside her, putting his hand on her shoulder. "I have...breathe problems," she says. He takes her pack for her. She comments in an interview how much she loved the kids in this town. They held her backpack, they encouraged her, and she was crazy about them. Good thing their parents kept breeding and breeding. I can only hope she learned a little something from this experience, because...seriously. I mean, seriously. Kendra seems to recover from her attack, and she actually reaches over to pat the kid on the shoulder and thank him. Look how she's touching a poor person on purpose, right here in a Third World country. Go figure.

"Have some self-respect, Victoria!" Jonathan barks as he stomps along in his bandanna and red underpants. 'Nuff said.

Hayden finds her way to the medallion that's just like hers, and she gets her clue. As she leaves, she runs into a little kid who asks her her name, and tells her that his name is Balai. She interviews more about the "great experience" in the church, and then she and Aaron are reading their clue, which is about going to Lalibela Lookout. Phil says that this is about a one-mile hike. And the last team to check in "may be eliminated." Hayden and Aaron are surrounded by helpful kids who want to show them where the lookout is.

Lori and Bolo turn in their donkeys, and Lori takes the Roadblock. Right behind them are Kris and Jon, with Kris taking it for her team. When Lori gets to the priest to get her medallion, she actually kneels. I have no idea whether kneeling is necessary or even appropriate, but honestly, I just appreciate the effort, you know? The effort to be gracious and respectful. She gets her medallion and leaves. Kris heads in just after her. She leaves with her medallion and starts examining worshippers. Lori, on the other hand, has left the church entirely and winds up back in the surrounding area until she reads the clue and realizes where she went wrong. She heads back down the path. "Oh, outside the church," she mutters. "I'm so stupid." I'm so sympathetic to people in these situations, because seriously, I do that stuff all the time. My life has basically been a series of situations in which I miss the worshippers right outside the church and go wandering the mountains in confusion. Fortunately, I usually stumble across, like, a happy bunch of weirdos having a barbecue, and everything winds up working out. ["In fact, that's how she came to work at TWoP." -- Sars]

Meanwhile, Hornio and Freddy and Kendra are held up on the donkey path by a religious ceremony. Go figure. Anyway, they can't pass on the regular path because of what's going on, so they have to go the long way around. But Jonathan and Victoria have arrived safely with their donkeys. Er, "donkey." Yeah. They discover when they go to turn in the donkey that they're supposed to have two. "You were so panicked," says Jonathan, who read the words "two donkeys" out loud. "I told you to calm down," repeats Jonathan, who read the words "two donkeys" out loud. "It's over; we're done," says Victoria, always the defeatist. "Why didn't you help me read?" she asks Jonathan, who read the words "two donkeys" out loud.

Kris searches worshippers, as does Lori, who is beginning to insist that none of them match hers. Kris finally hands her medallion over and gets her clue. She and Jon pick up some kids along the way who are going to show them where the pit stop is. Lori, on the other hand, is convinced hers isn't there, but she gives hers to "the only one that comes close." Turns out it's the right one, so she and Bolo leave for the pit stop.

And now, in a sequence that made no sense to me at all, as Hornio approaches the donkey station, they run into Jonathan and Victoria, coming the other direction. Jonathan tells El Hornio, with regard to Freddy and Kendra, "[El Hornio]! Yield them for us." So Hornio steps on the Yield and...Yields Freddy and Kendra. What? WHAT? El Hornio insists that it was important to Yield Nuance to stay in the game. For "self-preservation." Okay, morons. Listen up. If you really want to make sure you stay in the game, don't Yield the people who are right behind you. Yield the people who just found out they have to go three miles back and get another fucking donkey. Those people will then have to wait another half-hour (or however long) before they can go, and they really, really have no chance of being ahead of you. The way the episode ends, of course, will validate my view on this, but I thought that even at the time. And also, why are you doing favors for an asshole? Shut up, stupid Hornio.

When Nuance gets to the mat, Freddy blames Kendra for the fact that they're Yielded. That didn't seem necessary, really. I'll give credit for the fact that this is very suspenseful, though.

Commercials. Oh, that Thomas Haden Church. Who knew he had even more than Wings to offer? How much career can one man stand?

When we come back, Kendra is not happy about Freddy blaming her for getting them Yielded. "How dare you?" she demands to know. He blames her more; they bicker more; they're just frustrated and tired and need to be done for a while. "Well, it looks like we're going home," Kendra says with her trademark optimism.

El Hornio takes the Roadblock for his team, and Rebecca quickly concludes that maybe she shouldn't shriek at him so much in this holy setting. So after El Hornio has the medallion, she takes to a lot of stage-whispery screaming. Especially when he goes the wrong direction and heads off away from the church. And I don't think she knew that the unfortunate shadow would make her look quite so mustachioed when she says, "Never send a woman to do a man's job." He makes her so miserable! He is so abusive! She just wants to get away! Poor, poor, pitiful Rebecca.