Tell My Mom I Love Her

Credits. In the credits of my imagination, Aaron pushes Hayden off the mountain. [BOMP.]

Commercials. Oh, Julia Roberts. When did you sell your soul to AOL?

We return to Budapest, where Phil informs us that we are in Hungary, and he is inside a giant mayonnaise jar. Or so the sound of his echoing voice would suggest. In fact, it turns out that we are at Fisherman's Bastion, a monument built in honor of some very brave fishermen, which was the sixth pit stop. Phil is in a stone tower, not a mayonnaise jar. But wouldn't that have been cool? I think it would, but I'm distracted by how impressed I am to hear that the memorialized fishermen repelled an invasion. I hope they bitch-slapped the rampaging hordes with dead fish, because that would be awesome, and it would make for the best elementary school History Day projects ever.

At any rate, again, there is no eat/sleep/mingle footage, and again, I suspect it's because these people are all assholes and don't speak to each other. I shouldn't complain, I guess -- it's not like I'd want to see Hayden and Kendra sharing a cappuccino and talking about how hard it is to be a hottie. In the absence of the mingling, we get the rickety old "teams have no idea what's in store" patter, which really is a little silly, now that there aren't "clues" to "solve" anymore. I guess "teams will have to be able to read" doesn't sound as suspenseful. Phil wonders whether Hayden's "outbursts" will sabotage her team, and whether the alliance between Nuance and Hayden and Aaron will carry all of them through. I half-expect him to wonder aloud whether Jonathan can get any worse, but there's no point in tempting fate, I guess. Besides, we'll all find out soon enough.

11:12 PM. Lori and Bolo rip their clue, which tells them to go to what certainly sounds a hell of a lot like Bud-a-fuck. It's really dangerous to get into Bud-a-fuck relationships, you know. Someone always gets hurt. Anyway, Phil explains the clue further, carefully pronouncing what now sounds like "Buddha-Falk," which I think is what they called Columbo when he got chunky late in his career. In Buddha-Falk, they will go to a winery and run down a path to a giant wine cask, where a clue will be waiting. Is there a task there? A puzzle? Anything? Yeah, I didn't think so. Lori and Bolo leave, talking about how great they feel about going from worst to first. They grab a cab, about the driver of which Bolo says to Lori, "Man, this guy drives like you." It's kind of scary to think she's a bad driver, because that gives her a hell of a lot of ways to kill your ass. It's a wonder you're still alive.

12:01 AM. Kris and Jon. As they look for a cab, Jon voices over that when they were leaving, they wanted to just be close and be good to each other. Imagine that. He feels like they've done that. Me, too. I want a lunchbox with their picture on it.

12:02 AM. Spazpants. Victoria tells us as they're leaving that she's "not the type of girl that needs someone to hold [her] hand." Or, for that matter, "be overly affectionate." That's quite a waste of her warm and attentive husband, then. She tells us that Jonathan is "extremely motivating." And the fact that there are women who find that kind of behavior "motivating" is one of the most flat-out fucking depressing things you will ever hear on this show or any other. Five seconds out of your life to hear it; the ruination of zillions of families when it's what people actually think. What fun this is. Oh, and she says they "always seem to kiss and make up in the end." So it must be all right, because nobody does that in a dysfunctional relationship. GET THESE PEOPLE OFF MY TV. I'd rather watch a fucking Saved By The Bell rerun at this point.

As Hayden and Aaron stand on the mat, he leans down toward her. "Baby, I love you," he coos with a total lack of sincerity, which is what makes it awesome. Wait, I didn't mean "awesome." I meant "really bad." I swear. She rolls her eyes. He leans over to kiss her and she squirms away. "Don't," she says humorlessly. Seriously, dude. We've established that you like older women. I don't believe in squirming. I can read maps and drive stick. Let's drive somewhere in a really tiny car. Anyway, at 12:06, they rip their clue. It tells them that they have $31 for the leg. So...pretty cheap, I'm thinking. Hayden explains to us that she "can be an obnoxious brat," and that it stresses her out when she sees Aaron being so laid-back. What's hilarious about all these sequences when they're walking is that she's so wee and he's so tall that it looks like he's always ambling, while she's always going "stomp-stomp-stomp-stomp." She looks like a wind-up toy. She goes on to explain that he "needs to get more assertive," or they'll lose because she will "steamroll over him." She doesn't consider the possibility, I guess, that she could cease being a complete bitch all on her own. I know, I know -- I oversimplify so tremendously. They get a cab.

12:07 AM. Hornio. Rebecca gets one thing right when she voices over that the fact that she loves El Hornio "isn't enough to make a relationship work." She adds that she doesn't "want to be anybody's mother anymore." Well, that seems healthy. Relatively speaking. Oh, and El Hornio says Rebecca "treats [him] like a little kid." And he's "her caddy...her lackey." I'm just looking for what signs there are that they should date that make up for the numerous signs that they should get away from each other forever, because it certainly isn't their raging sexual chemistry or their obvious affection for each other.

12:19. Nuance. Freddy interviews that people call their alliance with Hayden and Aaron as "the model alliance." If that's true, it's unbelievably stupid and uninteresting. They're models. You can't think of anything but "model alliance"? You can't think of a single slam on them that goes beyond that? I've heard more creative nicknames while watching babies being cooed at. By other babies. Freddy further adds the who-cares information that they all get along, so the naysayers can just go suck eggs. He says the two teams are going to "try to push [them]selves to the front." That always works really well on this show, except for the weeping and gnashing of teeth that inevitably follows, so...great idea! I can't wait to see how it works.

Lori and Bolo arrive at their destination, but when they hop out, they see that the super-uber-mega-bunching is continuing apace, and this place doesn't open up until 10:00 in the morning. "I'm gonna beat someone's ass," Lori says, surprisingly good-naturedly, for a delivery of the statement "I'm gonna beat someone's ass." ["If she's looking for a specific ass to beat, I've got a long list of suggestions. Although some of them aren't even from this season. Or, actually, this show." -- Sars] Other teams gradually arrive, and before you know it, everyone is standing around, staring at the hours of operation. As you do, several times every episode this season. "Welcome to our hotel for the night," Rebecca complains sarcastically, because this is just not what she had in mind at all. She just feels really put upon that she's been going and going for probably an hour, and now she has to sleep for a really long time before she has to do anything again. So put-upon, really. We watch people sleep on the street under space blankets and whatnot. In the morning, at 9:59, teams press against the gate. It rolls over to 10:00, and the door is opened. Someone slams the gate back on Freddy and beans him in the skull, yelling, "Break that in half, fool." No, just kidding. Actually, they all run into the wine cellar and start tearing down a series of narrow little tunnels. Aaron announces that he's 6'5" (oh, yum), and had some trouble navigating down the very low ceilings. Indeed, he is running kind of bent over. Poor baby. Come right over here and...never mind. Everyone runs to the clue box, which is indeed up against the front of a very enormous wine cask. Mmm, lots of alcohol.

Lori and Bolo are the first to rip the clue, and it tells them to fly to Ajaccio, located on the island of Corsica. Phil explains that this is a hop of more than 1300 miles, and that Corsica is a French island, in case you didn't know. Which you probably did, because you are a smarty, unlike Jonathan, who thinks it's in Italy. You only know this if you watched the Insider videos, which I normally don't think are that big a draw, but when they involve Jonathan not knowing what fucking country he's in and Phil going to a lot of trouble to mock him for it? Awesome. And totally worth watching. Anyway, when they get to Ajaccio, they will have to find their way four miles to a house, and then to a room where Napoleon was born. There, the real Napoleon, brought back from the dead using batteries and rubbing alcohol, will give them their clue. Everyone finishes the clue-reading, and finds their way out of the tunnels. Hayden and Aaron get to their cab first, but they decide to wait for Freddy and Kendra before they leave. After Lori and Bolo and Hornio have left, Nuance emerges and the Model (?) Alliance takes off. Everyone's going to the airport. Hayden ensures that the driver knows where they're going by making flapping motions that stand for "airplane." I don't want to pick on her flair for charades, but she's lucky they didn't end up at a turkey farm.

Kris and Jon make what seems like it might be a smart decision, which is to stop in what turns out to be a pet groomer to call about airline tickets. As a dog receives a thorough combing, Jon works the phone. Is this supposed to suggest that Jon needs a comb-out? Because I think I object. Jonathan and Victoria, meanwhile, head for a travel agency. Back at the groomer's, Kris explains that what's not so great about this arrangement is that she's allergic to dogs. Jon tells her that they're reserved on Air France to Corsica, so she can go outside and breathe. They hop in their cab for the airport. Kris sneezes. Hee. Darn dander.

Hornio is aware of Lori and Bolo just ahead as they get to the airport. El Hornio asks Rebecca whether she's going to hog the ticket counter again, or whether she might let him do it this time. "Shush," she says. "Yeah, that's what I thought," he comes back. So very, very sexy. Really. El Hornio voices over that Rebecca really isn't including him on the decision-making so much. Which is hard to believe, given their robust, healthy power dynamic. Inside, Bolo checks flights with Malev, which already is really loving the racers this year.

At the travel agency, Spazpants asks about flights to Corsica.

Lori and Bolo land a Malev flight to Lyon that will then continue to Ajaccio. It turns out that Spazpants got the same flight from their travel agency. At Malev, Rebecca tries to get on that flight, while El Hornio says he's heading off to another counter. "'Cause I've never done it, and I'd like to learn how to do it," he says. Rebecca brushes him off, so he calls her "the most dramatic retard right now," and the only thing I can hear in my head is Sars saying, "'Right now'?" ["That is in fact exactly what I said." -- Sars] Rebecca tells El Hornio that he is making her "crazy" and "agitated." So he'll probably stop it. The thing we see is El Hornio, all lying sadly on the benches, explaining that Rebecca "thinks [he's] a moron." Miss Alli's Mom: "Well, he's pouting, is what he's doing. This is not a healthy dynamic between these two." She is a master of the understatement. El Hornio says he will "try to behave." It turns out that Rebecca is learning that even she, with her brilliant powers, cannot get them on the Malev flight, because it's just plain full. Maybe if they show the agent the horns? The Malev lady, at any rate, sends them to terminal 2B, where they can check with other airlines. Speaking of terminal 2B, the Model (?) Alliance is getting there right now, as it turns out, and heading to Air France.

Spazpants insists in the cab that at the airport, it will become clear "who's playing the game and who's not." Thanks. Jonathan insists that his team may not win physical stuff, but they "can outthink anybody." Particularly when it comes to justifying their own behavior, I'm thinking. Jonathan, never one to miss an opportunity to slag women who could snap him like a twig, takes a moment to talk about how much he doesn't like Lori, with her big man hands and her "masculine voice." He "playfully" gives Victoria a "noogie." It's easier to do that and have it be endearing and effective mockery of others when you don't actually shove your wife, you fuckstick.

In the airport, Lori and Bolo and Spazpants meet up at the Malev gate. "Why does this always happen?" Jonathan complains. He and Lori don't like each other, blah dee blah. There's an exciting storyline in the making. Will she or will she not choose to kill him with her bare hands? He's seriously such a dick that I'm not surprised he's been trying to spin this shit more positively since early in the season. You didn't know that? Huh. I did. Well, anyway, these two teams board the "1st Plane to Corsica."

Kris and Jon arrive at the airport, happy that they have reservations, and now they just have to actually buy the tickets. When they get inside to the ticket counter, they find Hornio and the Model (?) Alliance. The other teams all buy their Air France tickets, but when Kris and Jon get up there, they learn that while they have reservations, the guy has decided it's too late to sell them tickets. "Can you please just try?" Jon says calmly. "No, it's not possible. I'm sorry," the ticket guy says. Hornio and the Model (?) Alliance take off for the gate, leaving Kris and Jon standing at the ticket counter. (Sniff!) The guy tells them that "physically," he can't get them the tickets, because the system is closed. Surprisingly, they don't throw anything, start yelling, or even utter a single "fuck that shit," which I certainly would do. They obviously lack the intensity to be any good at this, which explains why they're constantly finishing in the back of the pack. Oh, wait.

Commercials. Oh, Samuel L. Jackson, I just don't know.

In the airport in Budapest, Kris and Jon continue to suffer. They're trying a different guy. "Can you please help us with this?" Jon asks. "Please, please, please, please, please," Kris mutters, much more to herself than to the ticket guy. He asks them to give him a minute. Ah! Hope! They stand around for a minute, and then the guy tells them that he will be able to ticket them, but they can't have an e-ticket. I'm thinking they probably don't care too much.

Down at the gate, Rebecca explains to the camera that the Model (?) Alliance is on the plane with them, but they're not sure what's up with Kris and Jon. "Kris and Jon are five feet behind you," El Hornio snarks. Rebecca pretends to be glad everyone got on the flight. Hee hee, she is so not happy.

The "2nd Plane To Corsica" takes off, and then the Amazing World Map displays the two lines, one for the Lori/Bolo/Spazpants plane stopping in Lyon, and one for the Everybody Else plane stopping in Paris, on the way to Corsica. Phil explains that everybody is heading out. And indeed, at 6:40, the first flight touches down. Lori and Bolo run off, and Spazpants trades mutterings about the possibility of allying themselves with Bolo and Lori for the purposes of what Victoria calls "safety in numbers." At a counter, Bolo asks about where Napoleon was born, and he gets the info. The two teams walk off together, but when they get there, they learn that the place closed at 6:00 PM, and doesn't open until 9:00 AM. So all the airport maneuvering? Yeah. Pointless. That's super. Kris and Jon could have missed the flight and probably three more after it, and it wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference. You probably couldn't have screwed this leg up no matter how hard you tried, up to this point.

At 7:15, the other plane lands, and these teams make their way to Napoleon's house and find the same thing -- not open until morning. We cut directly to 9:00 the following morning, as all the teams shuffle into the house. They find Fake Napoleon upstairs, and he hands them their clue. Wow, that was challenging. What a difficult and perplexing "clue" that was! Jonathan insists on shaking Fake Napoleon's hand. (Voice of the Spirit of M. Giant: "Oh, that'll have to come off now.") Hornio opens the clue, and they find the Fast Forward. Yes, the second of the two Fast Forwards, meaning that we are done Fast-Forwarding for the rest of the race. This particular one, as Phil explains, involves going to a harbor and putting on "old-style diving suits" (think underwater Bugs Bunny cartoons) that weigh more than 100 pounds. Now that is heavy. That's probably more than Rebecca's entire body. Then both team members will be lowered to the bottom of the ocean and walk over to a lobster trap, where they'll grab a clue. Rebecca explains, as she jogs behind a frantic El Hornio, that they're going to go for the FF, because it involves diving, and she's "certified." El Hornio points out that he isn't. (Actual voice of M. Giant: "There's a difference between 'certified' and 'certifiable.'") He tells Rebecca he's not thinking this is a great idea, but she, unsurprisingly, chooses not to listen. And why would she, really? If they wanted her to share responsibility, they'd be called "partners" or a "team."

Lori and Bolo, followed by Spazpants, rip the regular clue, telling them to find a marked car. Phil tells us that when they find it, they'll drive themselves 100 miles to Calvi, where they'll find Camp Rafalli and their clue. And what was Camp Rafalli? "A boot camp for the French Foreign Legion." Hey, maybe they'll meet Pepe Le Pew.

Lori and Bolo blow off the FF because...well, they have no choice, but Spazpants wants to make a break for it. The rest of the team fetches their clues and heads for marked cars. Over at the beach, Hornio is the first team to reach the FF, and El Hornio immediately doesn't like the diving suit. Spazpants shows up at the dive location, but when they learn that they're second in line and they'll have to wait for Hornio to go first, they turn back. Boy, that was a brilliantly planned FF. Remember when teams used to compete for the FF when more than one team wanted it? Jesus. Jonathan suggests that maybe Hornio won't be able to do it, but Victoria (figuratively) smacks him back into the reality that it's unlikely Hornio will actually find the task impossible. Or what you would think would be the reality, until you see El Hornio squirming inside the diving suit, saying, "I don't know if I like this." It takes a lot for me to consider calling a guy a chick in a disparaging fashion, but it's hard not to.

Marked-car-hunting teams hunt for their marked cars. They finally find them and run for it. Hayden originally sets out to drive, but when she gets into the car, she finds that she doesn't know how to drive it. Presumably because...stick? Don't know. Maybe she has problems with steering. Or braking. Or not insisting on being the horn. She hops out and makes him drive, even as he protests that it won't work, because that will force her to do the directions, which we've already established she can't. "What about directions?" he asks her. "I'll do it," she says. "No, you...can't," he says. Hee hee. He is also having a hell of a time squeezing into this eensy weensy little car they've stuffed his ass into. Oh, and Spazpants? Still bickering. Before long, it becomes clear that indeed, Hayden cannot figure out where they're going, so she wants Aaron to pull over and let Nuance pass them, so that after that's done, they can follow.

Hornio. "Tell my mom I love her," El Hornio says again as he gets bolted into the diving helmet. Once he's in, the guy explains that there's a valve inside the helmet, and if he pushes on it with his head, he'll be able to expel the air out of the suit, and that will make him drop to the bottom. That may be perfectly true, but it sure sounds like the last thing you hear before you die. The two of them plod in their super-heavy suits, and inch by inch, they get to the water. As soon as Rebecca drops in, the bubbles stream from her helmet, just as they should, and she drops. Adam, however, floats in the water, and he begins to protest that he can't reach the valve with his head. As they try to pull him out, he wails in pain. (Trash, as sympathetic as ever: "This rules.") He tells them that they're hurting his jaw, and they should stop pulling on his head. Poor kitty.

Out on the road, Jonathan is haranguing Victoria about the fact that they didn't get the FF. "Your fault!" he shrieks. I don't care. I seriously just don't care. This is what they do. It's what they do every week. It's an act or it's not, or it kind of is, but what it isn't? Is entertaining. Enough.

The Model (?) Alliance pulls in at a gas station or something to get directions. Kris, in the back seat, firmly but politely says to Jon, "Babe? We need to pull over and ask somebody. We have to." It's surprising to learn that you can communicate that without the yelling. I'm not sure I understand how that's possible. I'm pretty sure the people who give me coffee at Starbucks would never understand what I wanted if I didn't shriek, "I WANT A MOCHA. YOU ARE SO STUPID!" Anyway, they do pull over. Spazpants goes by the Model (?) Alliance at the gas station just as Freddy is commenting that Lori and Bolo are "dumb as a stick in the mud" (huh?), and probably won't figure out where to go. Elsewhere, Lori and Bolo know right where to go. Shut up, Freddy. Kris and Jon nail down some directions as well, but Lori and Bolo and Spazpants are in the lead. Not that the Model (?) Alliance isn't, as Aaron stresses, "in full effect." It's just kind of behind. Not long thereafter, however, the alliance splits, and Hayden and Aaron can't find Nuance anymore. That is a problem, because without them, Hayden can't navigate. She forces Aaron to pull over and let her jump in and drive. Because she can't read a map. She is so useful. She tells us that while she loves Nuance, she feels like she and Aaron have to "do [their] own thing." I'm sure Nuance is real hurt. It's hard when you lose your faithful albatross like that.

In the Kris/Jon car, she explains that she's "seen a lot of I Love Lucy episodes, when she smashed the grapes." She goes on. "And I think my face really helped." And then she twists her very pretty, very smiley face into a hysterically stretched-out, goofball, open-mouthed grimace that I can't even describe adequately if you didn't see it. And then as quickly as it appeared, it's gone, and she smiles pleasantly. So cute. ["I was finding this team a bit dull until she pulled that face, which was rad. Nice work, lady." -- Sars] They are so keeping me from going insane this season. I realize it's a heavy burden to bear, so it's a good thing they are so darn ripped.

Nuance drives into the pit stop town. They get directions. thing you know, they are running up to the pit stop mat, located indeed on an awfully beautiful overlook surrounded by insanely blue water. Welcome, Nuance, you are team number two. They cheer. They smooch. That's nice.

At the Roadblock, Spazpants is still stuck. "You're doing something strange! What are you doing?" Victoria demands to know. Jonathan, supposed to accomplish the Roadblock stomping with feet only, is clearly using his hands inside the barrel to move the grapes. Penalty, please? Is this asshole completely immune from every rule just because it might mean he couldn't screech at his idiot wife anymore and we'd be reduced to watching people who are a little decent? Booooo.

In the Hayden and Aaron car, she doesn't understand why he doesn't seem to care how they're doing. She keeps yapping and yapping, and then she ultimately pulls over and makes him drive. Gee, I wonder why he's not invested in the team. "You drive; I'm not driving," she snots. And I have to say, she has so figured out the way to make boys love her. They love that. Love that.

Victoria is still yelling at Jonathan in her screechy voice.

Hayden tries a half-assed apology, claiming that she's upset about how things have been going for them. "So I'm...sorry," she says. Aaron is no fool, and understands that this is the kind of apology that is most upsetting, because they've clearly been here before, and he's thinking that if you want to show your remorse, you could stop doing whatever he just asked you to stop doing. He tells her that he isn't into an apology, he just wants her to quit it. "You don't have to take my apology, but I've been relatively calm this entire leg," she says. So it's the "I didn't really do anything wrong" kind of apology. And it doesn't get much emptier than that.

Jonathan and Victoria finish the bottles. She gripes that it's "over for [them] anyways." Yawn. In their car, he complains that they "deserve to lose" because they don't know how to work as a team. It's so far past ironic and so far into stupid that I can't be bothered to comment.

Hayden and Aaron hit the Roadblock, and he does it. She can't even stomp grapes? What does she do, exactly?

Kris and Jon and Lori and Bolo get to the pit stop area in their cars at the same time, and both teams prepare to race to the mat.

Aaron gets his glass of juice, says "merci," and drinks it. They are "Currently in Last Place" as they head for the pit stop.

At the pit stop, Lori and Bolo get parked first, and Kris and Jon can't make up the difference, so the team to the mat is...Lori and Bolo. Welcome rasslers, you are team number three. They are happy. Phil calls over Kris and Jon, and they're team number four. Love!

Hayden and Aaron jump into their car, and he says they can try a shortcut. Spazpants argues over whether they're last. That's productive. Aaron and Hayden bicker over directions. Spazpants bickers over directions. Both teams get to the pit stop area (or so we are led to believe). Jonathan and Victoria walk toward the mat. But partway there, she sees Aaron and Hayden behind them, so they really did get that close. Spazpants starts to run. The teams run. Phil waits. It's impossible to tell, and then...they're on the mat. "Phil, you're a hard man to find," Jonathan says. "Not as hard as I will be to find after I take a restraining order out on your ass," says Phil, in the dream sequence running in my head. On my TV, Phil just stares. But then he tells them they're team number five.

Sad music plays. Hayden and Aaron, you're the last team in. But -- you're not eliminated. Because one out of the last three episodes already was significant -- we don't want to let the excitement level become too pitched. Whoever came up with combining (1) a random double-length leg; (2) a clip show; and (3) a non-elimination in the a four-episode sequence really needs to stop and think, and/or quit smoking dope. Anyway, Aaron really doesn't look happy. I think that is a very sad dude. Not good relationship thoughts that boy is having. At any rate, Phil takes their money, and they'll get no more for the leg -- which you know will be meaningless, because they'll beg, and however long it takes to beg, they'll hit one of the three or four twelve-hour bunches of the leg, and all will be well. Aaron interviews that he's frustrated that Hayden's shitty behavior "keeps on happening and happening." He says that no matter how hard he tries to calm her down, "nothing's working." She goes on to say that it was probably her doing today that they didn't do well. "I could have cost us the whole race," she observes. You could cost yourself more than that, sweetheart, in case you're not reading your boyfriend's expressions as well as you should be.

Executive Producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.

week: Yet another Spazpants verbal abuse scenario, to the point where Kendra intervenes. KENDRA. To teach KINDNESS. In other words? The season continues its tour of the doldrums.