One Of You, I'm Gonna Break In Half

Credits. In the credits of my imagination, Bolo and Lori hit each other in the face with pies after they're done wrestling. [BOMP.]

Commercials. Oh, indeed, the romance of heartburn. Clasp it to you tightly, and never let it go.

We return to the Eger train station, where it is raining like hell. And Lori and Bolo? Well, they are "Currently in Last Place." The letters do not go on, "To Say The Least," as they probably should. Bolo slings his pack onto his back and says he's off to check and make sure there aren't any other trains headed to Budapest. This is the first time you can kind of tell it's a scam, because we were specifically shown in the last episode that after being told there were no trains, Lori and Bolo decided to lie down on the benches at the train station and sleep until morning.

Speaking of which, over in Budapest, the rest of the bunched teams are on their way into the internet caf at 10:00 PM. Kendra explains that three teams at a time were allowed in. And when Nuance, Gus and Hera, and Spazpants get in, they find that Phil has left them a little video message that comes up on their computers. I've had that dream, too, where Phil lives in my computer. Phil cheerfully says that to get their clue, they have to use AOL email. Because you certainly would not do so for any other reason. On the apparent assumption that nobody has ever heard of AOL, Phil explains that they have to log onto AOL using a wireless Intel Centrino laptop that will tell them "You've Got Mail." Jonathan looks into the camera and sarcastically snarls, "Clicking into AOL is like communicating with my best friends [sic]." See? He thinks he's being witty, because he thinks it's so obvious that he's impatiently providing the product placement that they're making him give while he's trying to get his work done. Nice try, asshole. When they all actually open their email, it tells them to go by taxi to the Heritage Rail Museum. It's only about a three-mile trip, so it's not exactly the most taxing navigational challenge of their lives. At the museum, they'll have to ride in a little rail car that goes up to 50 miles an hour, down to the clue box. What's more, the rail museum doesn't open until 10:00 AM. So, to review: They arrived in Budapest and were required to do one task that opened at 10:00 PM and took about 45 seconds to complete, followed immediately by a task three miles away that opened at 10:00 AM. You know, there's reasonable bunching, and then there's the intentional wiping out of anything, no matter how serious, that might have happened to the team in the leg up to this point. This is just getting silly.

As Spazpants leaves the caf with their clue, Jonathan snots, "R-A-C-E, race, Victoria." Because up to now, apparently, he's not sure she's noticed that he's all intense about winning. ["Also, don't be stepping on my lines, shorty." -- Sars] Hayden and Aaron go in , and when they see the screen, Aaron grandly smiles and says, "Hey, Phil." It's really funny, but you kind of have to see it. It's kind of the way I always want to greet Phil also. And after Phil explains about the email in your inbox, Aaron says, "Thanks, Phil." Funny. He's really funny.

Meanwhile, back in Eger, Bolo asks another person about trains to Budapest and is told that in fact, there is another one. There is one that leaves at 2:55 AM. So what do you know? Not that big of a deal after all. You'd almost think I could have skipped last week's entire episode, not to mention the ensuing clip show. Snore.

Nuance leaves the internet caf and is replaced by Kris and Jon. Jon thinks it's "sweet" when they log on to AOL, so he's easy to please, apparently. I'll make a note of it. Hornio starts to work on the computer as well.

Spazpants is outside, and Jonathan is trying to snag a cab. He says something to Victoria about "holding" a cab they see, but it's not clear why she has to hold it instead of him. At any rate, nobody winds up holding it, and they lose the cab to Nuance. "Dammit!" Jonathan hollers. "What part of 'hold the cab' don't you understand?" he demands, going on to talk about "how many seasons" she's seen, and when she asks him why he didn't get the cab himself, he has no answer, so he just barks at her a couple of times to shut up. "That's why women don't rule the world," he says. Yeah, I'm real concerned about his opinion. He's breaking my heart. Now we'll never achieve suffrage.

Gus and Hera get a taxi without having to break out any major disputes over gender politics. Back in the caf, Aaron continues to be all silly by imitating the "You've Got Mail" voice. How did he get to be my new boyfriend in thirty seconds, just by talking back to AOL? It really is true that I am the cheapest date ever. El Hornio screws up the mail the first time, to which Rebecca impatiently replies, "Why are you retarded right now?" I personally think it's the company he's keeping. Aaron and Hayden, Kris and Jon, and Hornio leave the caf.

Lori and Bolo board a train to Budapest. "If we aren't last, God is with us completely," Bolo says. God: "Glug, glug." (Sorry, had to get one in for old times' sake. Only once a season, I swear.)

Aaron and Hayden, Kris and Jon, and Hornio stroll by the river. Hornio splits off, and Kris and Jon and Aaron and Hayden form a little clump of relative functionality as Kris and Jon, in particular, marvel at the sights of Budapest. Kris loves the Gothic architecture, Aaron thinks it's so cool, and all of them are heading for what is apparently their pre-arranged hotel. Because difficult conditions are no longer part of the race, in case you haven't noticed. There's no reason to subject people to exhaustion and limited food when you can just wait around for them to throw crap at each other like zoo monkeys.

El Hornio and Rebecca walk, and he talks about having wanted to "go and be romantic by [them]selves." "I am so over being romantic with you!" she spits back. She says El Hornio is "like her brother," and she would have preferred to hang out with the other couples. She goes on to blame El Hornio exclusively for the fact that other people don't want to be with them, declaring that he sucks, while she is "a cool chick" and "fun to hang out with." Wow. It must be nice to be absolutely certain that nothing bad that ever happens has anything to do with you. Rebecca interviews that while she loves El Hornio, she looks at Aaron and Hayden and Kris and Jon, and she thinks maybe those relationships are a trifle more "healthy" than hers. In the same way that All-Bran is a trifle more healthy than deep-fried Apple Jacks. Apparently, this thing about going off together is something that Rebecca has brought up, because El Hornio tells her to keep this in mind the time she's all griping about "being romantic." "Whatever, Adam, I'm so over you!" she says with great and vigorous nastiness. "Go away!" She says she'd rather be alone than be with him, which is probably why she resisted when the blue van came to kidnap the two of them and force them to spend an entire month together with no one else around. El Hornio goes on to interview that he still has great "love" for Rebecca, although at this moment, it's awfully difficult to know why.

Spazpants piles into a cab. Jonathan tells Victoria she's "dumb." So, pretty much status quo, there.

Gus and Hera arrive at the hotel, commenting that it's "better than sleeping on the street." When Nuance arrives, unsurprisingly, Kendra's first concern is whether they get their own room. Not whether or not they have to sleep outside, mind you, but whether they get their own room. And who will fluff the pillows? Will there be a laundry service? What time will my omelet be served? Bleh. Hayden and Aaron, then Kris and Jon, arrive at the hotel, followed by Spazpants, whom I'm sure everyone is enormously happy to see, in an "Egads, are they still here?" kind of way.

Bolo and Lori hop off their train in Budapest, headed for the internet caf. When Bolo loudly whistles at a cab, Lori tells him that it's not New York. And more's the pity, really. Their driver does, fortunately, know the location of the internet caf, so they're on their way. In the cab, it appears that Lori is having quite a bit of trouble keeping her eyes open, and when she does open them, it's only to say she's not sure how they can possibly catch up.

Commercials. Wow, Survivor, only with interior decorating. I cannot wait.

When we return, Lori and Bolo are still on their way to the internet caf. When they get in, probably at something like 6:00 in the morning, just as the sun is starting to come up, Bolo is shocked to find that the caf is actually open. He probably also notes that it didn't open until 10:00 last night. "Can you frickin' believe it?" he asks. She can frickin' believe it. Because it is frickin' true. They get online and get their clue, and when they note the 10:00 AM start time at the museum, Bolo realizes that the thing isn't even open yet, so obviously, catching up is well within reach. Outside, they snag another cab and ask to go straight to the Heritage Rail Museum. In case you're not catching the amusing thing about this, because they didn't go to the production-procured hotel, they're actually heading over there before anyone else. "We'll see what happens when we get there," Bolo says. And what happens when they get there is that there aren't any other teams. Indeed, Lori and Bolo are "Currently in 1st Place," although somebody fails to take the opportunity to put that unavoidably amusing caption on the screen. "This is when we run over everybody," Bolo comments. Hopefully not in the train car.

The rest of the teams grab cabs from the Hotel Fortuna to the museum. Which Jon inaccurately refers to as the "Historical Railway Museum," but honestly, he's so nice that I just don't care. The ability to keep words straight and in the proper order is highly overrated in men. In the Spazpants cab, Jonathan is using his Mental Magician Powers to try to explain to the driver that everyone is in a big race. And he -- the driver -- is part of the race. Well, except for the part where he doesn't get any of the money. That seems to me to be the little snag in this bit of brilliance, but then, what do I know? I'm not getting any money, either. The driver says "Yes," but he says it with that indulgent smile that you have to adopt in the service industry when dealing with buffoons.

The first team to join Lori and Bolo at the museum is Hornio. My favorite part is where Rebecca asks, "Did you find the internet place?" It would have been great if they had said, "No, was there an internet place? We were just guessing places in Budapest -- did we get it right?" Other teams arrive, but Spazpants is second to last, beating only Nuance, so it would appear that they didn't do that great of a job of inspiring their driver to brilliance by making him part of the race.

In other news, you knew, if you watched the show long enough, that there would be something that could only be called Gategate, and here it comes. The teams are all stopped behind a gate that rises on a hinge to the team's right -- so it goes up at an angle, much like the crossbar by the light rail tracks that are currently ruining my life and commute right by the Mall of America. Not that I am bitter. As the teams rush under the gate as fast as they possibly can in a giant clump -- not really the treatment the gate is designed for, of course -- it hits the top of its swing and then bounces back down, beaning both Hera and Freddy as it falls. Hera comments that "people are psycho," and Kendra asks Freddy if he's bleeding. The teams tear across the museum grounds, and as they go, Hera wonders aloud to Gus whether somebody tried to hold the gate down on purpose. Gus isn't sure. When the teams finally find the little post with the numbers on it for the task, El Hornio and Jon go up and scuffle, going for the first number. They experience the tragedy of the commons, in that they are the first two guys there, but because they knock over the post fighting each other for number one, it falls over, Bolo and Hayden jump in, and the first person to get a number? Is Bolo. The numbers wind up all over the ground, and Hornio actually winds up in fourth. Way to shoot yourself in the foot. Poor kitty.

In the aftermath, as the teams scramble for numbers, Freddy demands, "Who pulled the gate down?" Jon starts to explain how they knocked over the post, and Freddy says, "No, the gate." I'm pretty sure his question is, "Who pulled the fucking gate down?", and that they edited out the swear, but I couldn't...well, swear. Lori points out that she and Bolo were long gone by the time Freddy got hit, which is true. Freddy will not be dissuaded, and continues to demand to know who pulled it down. "Was it you?" he asks Jon as Jon tries to get him to relax. "Calm down, buddy," Jon says. "When I find out who pulled the gate down, IT'S SOMEBODY'S ASS!" Freddy yells. Tee hee. Sorry, thought that was funny. The best part is when Jonathan comes over and puts his hands on Freddy, saying, "You're okay, come on, walk it off." (M. Giant: "When Jonathan is telling you to calm down, you have a problem.") Meanwhile, Hera is not so worried about pressing charges, but her head hurts. She describes how the thing really whipped down on her head, but Freddy is still getting his freak-out on. "One of you, I'm gonna break in half!", he yells. He keeps it up: "One of you will pay for that." I don't know what kind of investigation he intends to institute, but it's probably time for him to admit at the very least that he has no way of finding out what happened, and he's not later going to come back like Charles Bronson and kick anyone's ass. Not that I wouldn't welcome it, provided that it resulted in bodily injury to Jonathan. Gus calms Freddy by telling him that Hera got herself conked on the head also. For some reason, it seems to help. Whatever. Lori and Bolo take off in the little rail car, because indeed, they are the first team.

It turns out that the train car looks kind of like a roller-coaster car that just flies down the tracks in a straight line. And as they sit there on the seat, Lori and Bolo exchange a low-five, which is fine, but then Bolo decides to howl and laugh as loudly as he can in a sort of "Bite me, suckers" posture, which is understandable, but not such a great idea. That's a good way to make enemies unnecessarily, as I have pointed out many times. Back at the starting line, Freddy is beginning to be calmed, and now just talks about how much it hurt. He does not mention that he is thinking about whether he could choke Bolo with his do-rag. At the end of the little rail tracks, Lori and Bolo hop out of the car and go to the clue box. We don't see the new clue yet, because now, it is time to explain about the Fast Forward.

Phil tells us about how the first team to find and perform the Fast Forward will skip the rest of the leg and go to the pit stop. In good news, he does use the phrase, "Most advantageous to go for it." In bad news, this Fast Forward requires you to drink a glass of pig's blood. Ew. Bolo and Lori, having spent this entire uber-leg not sleeping and being behind and generally being miserable, are smart enough to recognize this as an excellent FF opportunity, and they decide to head for that. Besides, if anyone were ever going to embrace blood-drinking, you have to think it would be these people. God knows what weird-ass nutritional supplements they already take. The car takes them back to the start, where they hop out.

In second place are Aaron and Hayden. They zing down the tracks. They pull the clue, and Aaron breaks my heart by pronouncing "Hungary's most famous river" as "the Da-NOOB." Oh, Aaron. You are such a...well, a noob. I think Phil explains that this clue actually tells them to get to an island on the Dan-YOOB, and find a clue at something called the Hajos Alfred at the Nemzeti Sportuszoda. I might be making that whole thing up, though. In the little car, Hayden tells Aaron she's sure Lori and Bolo will go for the FF, so they apparently don't consider it for that reason. And indeed, outside, we see Lori and Bolo grab a taxi and head for the FF. Lori says in the cab that she didn't appreciate Freddy trying to blame them for bringing the gate down when they were "long gone" by the time he got smacked. True, that. And then Bolo really gets going, noting, "'You messed my face up, you messed my face up, wahhh!' Ain't gonna take no pictures with that face. Supermodel!" Yeah, hilarious. Because if there's anyone who has no vanity, it's a bodybuilding pro wrestler whose wife openly discusses her implants. You want to watch that, there, smarty.

Hayden and Aaron hop out of the car, Kris and Jon hop in. And as they go, she turns to him and says over the noise, "Oooh, it's very vibratey," and then she makes a devilish, grinning face that lets you know that she absolutely said that on purpose, which is why it's hysterically funny and not irritating. They are damn near redeeming this entire season for me, and they're sneaking up on being my favorite team ever, in all six seasons, just in terms of the balance between heart, humor, cute, and damn-I'm-jealous. At the very least, they're my favorite team that's ever become a favorite just by being awesome, rather than by being funny, which is the most reliable way to fight your way into my heart. Kris also cracks up as she tries to read that tongue-twisting clue, which...exactly. Just say something, and then admit you might be making it up, Kris. People are kind. They'll understand.

Hayden and Aaron are trying to get a cab. As Kris and Jon hop out of the car, she comments, "I want to go again." Well, sure. It's very vibratey. El Hornio says, "Choo-choooo!" as they depart. Which is really kind of not necessary, as it's not that kind of train. Elsewhere, Hayden and Aaron are still taxi-hunting, while Kris and Jon appear to get one nearly right away. In fact, as they leave, they go by Aaron and a very unhappy Hayden, who asks, "How did that happen?" If she thinks that can't happen, she definitely hasn't seen the show enough. Or tried to catch a cab in Manhattan. I shall never master the proper selection of corners. Anyway, in one of my favorite subtle, funny moments of the episode, Kris points out of the back of the cab and says, "We just passed Harron and Ayden [sic], they're by the side of the road, walking." "Aaron and Hayden," Jon says. She knows immediately what she did, and says, "Did I say it wrong?" "Harron and Ayden," he tells her. She laughs. "I always say that!" Hee hee. I love them. Have I mentioned?

Harron and Ayden are wandering around looking for a cab, still, and she's not at all happy about having fallen behind Kris and Jon.

When Hornio gets the clue, Rebecca quickly concludes that "Bolo did the Fast Forward," so she's not pursuing it either. Back at the start, Freddy tells Kendra that his "whole face hurts." You know, maybe if he stopped yelling. I find that often makes my whole face hurt. Meanwhile, Hornio gives a second unnecessary "Choo-choooo!" as he and Rebecca return to the start. Freddy and Kendra leave in the car; Hornio gets a cab; Aaron and Hayden then get one at last. Nuance gets the clue, and they, too, blow off the FF as already gone, in all likelihood. Spazpants is the sixth team to take the train car. They get the clue, they come back, and Gus and Hera leave last. They ride, they get the clue, they come back, they look for a cab. Nuance and Gus and Hera appear to get cabs for the Danube at approximately the same time, although you never know what those delightful editing pixies have up their sleeves.

In good news, in the Nuance cab, Freddy characterizes his own behavior today as that of "a clown." "I'd just been hit in the nose, and I lost total control. It was like somebody taking the lid off a pressure cooker." Well, at least he knows. Better a self-aware clown than the other kind. ["Aw. Now I miss the actual clowns." -- Sars] Bolo and Lori, in their cab, are almost to the Fast Forward, and they're hoping that they can skip to the pit stop.

Kris and Jon are the first to arrive at the clue at the Sspaoifshdhd Vnuibsz. Or whatever. Phil explains, with an assist from the Exposition Hands, that this is a Detour, and the two choices this week are Swim and Paddle. In Swim, the team will get in a pool and try to score a goal against a Hungarian water polo goalie. In Paddle, they'll go to a beach, use a hand pump to inflate a boat, and then paddle it across the Danube. Kris and Jon immediately pick the water polo, because at least it's not an inflatable pool. They rush over to the pool, noting that it requires them to put on the provided "water polo gear." "A Speedo," Jon notes with great enthusiasm. Oh, wait, actually, that was my great enthusiasm. Sorry.

As Freddy eats, Kendra decides that for some reason, it would be good to point out to him the places where people have thrown up their soup. What possessed her to do this, I shall never know. Aaaand...predictably, Freddy throws up on the floor. She points out, trying to help, that he only has an eighth as much left as he started with. "I put, like, four ounces back in it," he says. Ohhhhh, no. "Back in it?" she asks. "Vomited in it," he clarifies. And then, as if he were going for comedy, even though you know he's not, he brings his spoon up with this stringy, stretchy...okay, now I'm going to throw up. Can we talk about something else? Like how good a show this was, before it turned into a fucking parade of circus freaks? When Kendra realizes that her boyfriend is eating his own puke, she starts to cry. This entire scene just screams "true love," doesn't it?

Gus and Hera approach the restaurant.

Kris and Jon get to the pit stop area. They hop out and look for the funicular. Victoria, in the Spazpants cab, is telling Jonathan she doesn't ever want to eat again. After seeing that bit with Freddy, I don't really want to ever eat again, either. Jonathan kisses Victoria on the cheek, which I hope she washed after she kept puking on herself. He assures her that he's only "trying to get [her] to motivate." They come up behind Kris and Jon, and Jon turns to Spazpants and says, "Dude, how good was that soup?" Hee. "I've never seen a monster like her," Jonathan declares. So, so tiresome, really. In the Hornio cab, El Hornio tells Rebecca how awesome she was. In the Hayden/Aaron cab, Hayden is explaining how she should have done the Roadblock, because she could have done it much faster. She also instructs him to wipe his nose. Thanks, Mom. She is really such a harpy. Call me, Aaron!

Jon and Kris and Spazpants hop into two different cars on the same funicular up the hill. Spazpants yells at the innocent local sharing their car with them, about how she has to let them jump off first. Oh, and Victoria notes that she threw up in her hair. That's nice, isn't it? When the two teams de-funiculate at the top of the hill and start running, Victoria immediately declares that she's going to throw up. You know, again. And Jonathan instructs her not to "go into the pit stop crying again." So you can tell he learned his lesson from last time. Both teams run for the pit stop. Fortunately, Kris and Jon are the ones to hit the mat. Welcome to Budapest. HUNGARY! Welcome, Team Thank God You Are Here Because Otherwise I Would Be Losing My Fucking Mind By Now, you are team number two. Spazpants, having dropped their packs, finishes third. "Always good to see you, Phil," Jonathan says. Off-screen, Phil vomits into a bowl.

In the Hornio cab, El Hornio says that he thinks a funicular is "a little two-person bicycle." Hee hee. He is almost dweeby enough to be kind of adorable. But not. Because...just, no.