Miss Alli
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Previously on 101 Reasons To Fire Your Contestant Screeners: Kendra discovered that if you can't put the word "good" in front of it and use it to describe the practice of not spitting when you talk, it's really better to stay away from the word "breeding" altogether. Gus experienced a moment of revelation right here in the middle of this here game show, leaving thousands of confused viewers who saw this listed under "reality shows" to scratch their heads, pop another mouthful of caramel corn, and say, "When do they get naked and eat the bugs?" Lori and Bolo wanted everyone to buy their own plane tickets, and Hayden decided that the way to handle her frustration at this was to point out that Bolo is short. She immediately received the Slow Clapping Medal from the International Society of Yeah, Good One. Victoria's surprisingly sensible refusal to abandon the Spazpants backpacks resulted in their finishing (1) second; and (2) in possession of their passports. This turn of events activated Jonathan's spastic and miscalibrated "YEEAAARGH!" button, and he rewarded Victoria for saving their loot by giving her a revolting shove. Phil looked at Jonathan like he was a piece of dog poo wrapped in Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason and topped with Donald Rumsfeld's soul, and suggested he go and make things right with his wife. Jonathan decided that what Phil really meant was "Yell at her some more." So he did, telling her that the race wasn't about compassion. Interestingly, going to the grocery store isn't about compassion, either, but the first guy who handles me (in a hostile way, I'm saying) while I'm shopping for Cheerios should anticipate a lawsuit, a visit from the police, a knee in the groin, and a public flogging. Not that I'm suggesting any of these courses of action, Victoria. Don and MJ were so appealing that it was really sad, though kind of inevitable, when they fell behind again, finished last again, ran out of spare lives, and found themselves Philiminated. Oh, and M. Giant wrote the shit out of the recap, because he's the bomb, and the Minnesota Department of Economic Doohickeys asked us to make sure this show is never outsourced to some out-of-state outfit. Like Wisconsin. Boo! So, with seven teams left, it's time to hit the ground running again. "Who will be eliminated...?"
Credits. In the credits of my imagination, El Hornio stubs his toe on the big, scary gym equipment, cries like a baby, and begs Rebecca to blow his nose. [BOMP.]
Commercials. "I'm a goose!" Shut up, kid.
We return with our tense music and frenetic camera work to Berlin, Germany, which Phil reminds you has "a history of social and political turmoil." That's why they have the big wall and the statue of chains, just as Minnesota has the cherry and spoon sculpture to remind you of our history of luscious desserts. And here we are at the Brandenburg Gate, where Phil is strolling in his white pants (boo!) as he explains that the gate is "a symbol of Germany's reunification." And, whenever Jonathan and Victoria are nearby, a monument to man's inhumanity to man seems oddly appropriate. But in addition to being a major mark in the path of human history, it is also a pit stop. We watch some eating going on, but no sleeping or mingling, and then we peek in as Jonathan and Victoria are apparently having some kind of Spazpants heart-to-heart. Phil voices over that he has developed an intense natural curiosity as to whether they will "pull together and focus on the race." Or whether, ultimately, Phil will have to squash them with the famous Kiwi Death Hold, which can kill a person in seven seconds and a sheep in two and a half, so...about four, for Jonathan. In less depressing news, Phil wonders whether Lori and Bolo will be able to climb out of last place. Yes, it seems that only their swah-vay can save them now.
“ Freddy's head is swaddled in a giant American flag do-rag, so he's looking to attract as much rotten fruit on the public transportation systems of Europe as possible. ”
At 2:55 AM, Freddy and Kendra leave. And Freddy's head is swaddled in a giant American flag do-rag, so he's looking to attract as much rotten fruit on the public transportation systems of Europe as possible. They rip open the first clue, and it tells them to go to the guard shack at Checkpoint Charlie. For those of you who slept through your undergraduate class in this stuff and don't have Tom Hanks available to fill you in on all of the relevant history, Checkpoint Charlie is "the infamous East-West border crossing of the old Berlin wall." And there, they will find their clue. In other news, there is $408 available for the leg, so you're either going to see some kind of substantial train ride or a lot of souvenir shopping. As they leave the mat, Kendra suggests going back to the hotel. Yes, back to the hotel. And why? "For research." By which she means "to wash my hair." And remember, they haven't even looked for the destination yet. Freddy wants to go to Checkpoint Charlie first. You know, like it says on the clue. They get a taxi, as Kendra explains that Freddy "likes to go, go, go." While she is "more thorough." More thorough? For not wanting to follow the clue until you've sat around on your asses for a while looking up flight patterns and figuring out whether a subway or a train is faster when traveling between two cities you may or may not ever visit? Shut up! The clue could tell you to drive to Munich, or it could tell you to fly to India. You know nothing.
2:56 AM. Spazpants. Jonathan is already wearing his Intense Face of Facial Intensity as they look at the clue and Victoria gets out the money. In an interview, Victoria says that she doesn't like anyone yelling at her like Jonathan did in the last leg. On the other hand, she says, "That's just Jon." That should totally be the name of his new reality show, which would end with the great episode where he goes to jail and nobody comes to visit him and he spends Thanksgiving staring dejectedly at a plate full of institutional pressed turkey parts and wondering why no one comes to visit him. Oh, and drooling all over his gums because someone has knocked out all his teeth. I would totally watch that show.
3:11 AM. Hayden and Aaron. "Come on, baby," she nags as they leave. I wouldn't mind her pushy quality, I don't think, if she had any others. Indeed, Aaron interviews that he has to be patient in order to make up for the fact that Hayden is "psycho." Which is pretty much the best compliment you can receive, after "intoxicating." They look for a cab as she chastises him for "acting like it's not a big deal" that they can't get a cab. Like I said, it's not that anything about her is particularly unlikable; I just can't find anything about her that's likable. She's not scoring a huge negative number, she's just lopsided. (Ew, not like that.) She and Aaron find a cab.
“ It's become more and more true that being in a hurry, most of the time, is kind of unnecessary, which interferes a little bit with the 'amazing' and 'race' aspects of the show. ”
Meanwhile, the Nuance cab gets them to the clue box at Checkpoint Charlie, and they pull the clue. As the very jittery camera footage helps explain, the clue sends the teams to Olympic Stadium, where the 1936 Olympics were held. There, they'll have to find a signup board by the entrance, quite near, apparently, the giant red letters reading "CHAMPIONS," which was erected in honor of the fact that being in the Olympics really, really makes people want to learn English.
3:12 AM. Kris and Jon. Kris interviews that they've been dating long distance for some time, and she's been "happily surprised" at how alike they have turned out to be on the race. We watch as they take out a map and, it would appear, take off walking for the clue box. No taxi for them. They're definitely getting my vote for the Team That Burns The Smallest Amount of Fossil Fuels.
3:13 AM. Gus and Hera. Gus says that they're feeling fairly good about being in fifth place, and they think that "rushing for rushing's sake never seems to do much." I agree with him, and I think that's what's gone wrong with the season thus far, pretty much. It's become more and more true that being in a hurry, most of the time, is kind of unnecessary, which interferes a little bit with the "amazing" and "race" aspects of the show. Leaving only "the," and that's a little too abstract for even Phil to elucidate. Hera explains that they, too, are walking and not cabbing to Checkpoint Charlie, which is only about two kilometers away. And as they walk, Gus tells her that the checkpoint was "used by most of the spies." Sadly, the only thing I can think of when I hear about World War II spies is Melanie Griffith in that horrible movie where she's the espionage specialist and secretary. That movie was so bad that every time I think about it, it's like inside my head, a good movie is crying.
3:33 AM. At the time representing half-past the Antichrist, Hornio departs the pit stop. Rebecca wants to get a cab, but Adam suggests that they walk. Rebecca voices over that El Hornio has dropped considerably in her estimation, and that she now considers him "stubborn and spoiled." She says there's no romance now. ["'Now'? Sweetie, he likes boys. Please catch your snap." -- Wing Chun] Rebecca should be careful how she says that, or El Hornio will threaten to throw himself in front of another train. Don't do it, El Hornio! You have so much to live for! You haven't even learned to clip your toenails!
Spazpants is just now pulling up at Checkpoint Charlie. They get the clue and, as they leave, Jonathan tells their cab driver that they need to go "very, very quickly." Meanwhile, here come Hayden and Aaron, who get the clue and get their cab driver to head for the stadium.
“ 'It's a green liiiiight, can you go?' Victoria whines. 'It is red,' the driver says plainly. 'Okay,' she says, unable to counter that tricky argument. Who knew it was so easy to trip these people up? ”
4:30 AM. Lori and Bolo, almost an hour off the last team, open their clue. Lori explains that being last "could be a disadvantage." But given the way the bunching has been arranged this season, let's face it: it probably won't be. She also says, however, that they're working better as a team than she would have expected, so that's good. I kind of wish they had worked as a team to tie knots in Hayden's hair in that last episode, but you can't have everything. There are actually people who think that isn't a nice thing to do.
Kris and Jon reach the checkpoint in fourth place, and are quickly followed by Gus and Hera. Both teams get taxis. Speaking of taxis, Spazpants is currently bugging the crap out of its driver, as Victoria leans into the front seat, telling the driver to get a move on. "It's a green liiiiight, can you go?" she whines. "This is not green; it is red," the driver says plainly. "Okay," she says, unable to counter that tricky argument. Who knew it was so easy to trip these people up?
Hayden and Aaron's driver claims to know a shortcut to Olympic stadium. I don't normally encourage the use of taxi-driver-recommended "shortcuts," but this one has the potential to screw Jonathan and Victoria, so obviously, I am in favor of it.
Elsewhere, Hornio walks toward the clue box as Rebecca says, "Is Checkout Charlie a code name for, like, Gestapo?" It's always good when you don't remember the name of what you're looking for, especially when it's only two words, and they are in English. Man. You tell this girl to find Bor Tor, Ao Luk, and she's going to be in trouble. (Side note: That episode, which my head and the show index page call "Climb, Paddle, Swim," was one of my two or three favorite TAR episodes of all time, partly because it included some of the most luscious, amazing, rich scenery they have ever shown, and I have never forgotten it. Sadly, it was shot very near the part of Thailand most devastated by the tsunamis this week. Consider heading over to the Red Cross and throwing their relief fund a few bucks.)
Anyway, no thanks to their thorough understanding of history, Hornio does reach the clue box eventually. They snag a taxi and leave.
“ Jonathan writes his name on the board. And I do mean 'his name,' because when Victoria comes up, she notices that Jonathan has put his full name down, rather than writing both of their names. And if he wasn't such a dick, I'd say she was overreacting, but he is, so she's probably not. ”
Nuance is the first team to arrive at the stadium and find the signup board. They discover that the hours of operation are 6:00 AM to 5:00 PM, so they've got a couple of hours to wait. Again, Kendra wants to know if they should go and "do some research." Freddy points out that without any information about what they're doing , there's very little they can do in terms of research that's going to be helpful. And while I agree with him that you wouldn't undertake some huge project at this point, it would probably be better than nothing to read a travel guide or something. And it's completely different from her stupid notion of doing research instead of following the clue earlier. Kendra whines about "sitting here doing nothing," and they tell each other to calm down, and you can definitely begin to see the cracks appearing in their pleasant little foundation of ho-ho-ho, aren't we having a good time? "I'm not gonna take this," Kendra complains, which..."take this"? This what? This difference of opinion about research? This being told to calm down? Easy, dear. Kendra pouts prettily, and Freddy walks away from her.
Lori and Bolo pull up to the checkpoint in their cab. They get the clue and head to the stadium, unhappy that they're still last.
At the stadium, Hayden and Aaron and Spazpants are arriving. Victoria notes to Jonathan that Aaron and Hayden are there just ahead of them. Jonathan doesn't understand how that's possible. Oh, well. Sucks to drop fifteen minutes, freakazoid. Maybe it was a better shortcut than I thought. When the two teams meet up outside their cabs, however, Hayden tells Spazpants that she and Aaron are unable to locate the signup board. "It's not here, then," Jonathan tells her. Hayden points up at the big "Olympic thing," insisting that they are indeed at the right place. Aaron gets her away from Jonathan before the bloodletting begins, because Aaron sees the board. The teams run for it, and Hayden and Aaron manage to get there first. Hayden signs her team up, as Aaron watches and chuckles, knowing that Jonathan will not enjoy being edged out. Jonathan comes up just behind Hayden and writes his name on the board. And I do mean "his name," because when Victoria comes up, she notices that Jonathan has put his full name down, rather than writing both of their names. And if he wasn't such a dick, I'd say she was overreacting, but he is, so she's probably not. Aaron, giving me the shout-out without even knowing it, comments, "They're such fucking spazzes." Score! Aaron and I are having hive mind, and it crosses space and time! "We've just got to regroup in the cab," Jonathan tells Victoria, and she follows with a weary and snippy "So I guess it's my fault. As usual." You know, I'm not blaming her for what a jackass he is, but really? I don't want to have lunch with either of them. ["Well, for real. You married it, Victoria, so if you don't like it, make some better decisions in life for a change and ditch his blue-haired ass." -- Wing Chun]
“ Victoria frets about what will happen if the cord chokes her. I think it's safe to say that, at least for Victoria, the answer is, 'Your husband will blame you for getting your stupid neck in the way.' ”
"Who's ready to be stretched to the limit?" reads the clue, and Kendra happily announces that she will be taking it for her team. And so is Hayden, and so is Kris, and so is Hera, and so is Rebecca, and so is Lori. So it's a sweep for the women, and Kendra's up first. There are a few mutterings about "girl power," which is gross because it reminds me of Survivor, which makes me want to renounce my membership in the Fraternity of Women, and then I remember that there is no fucking Fraternity of Women, and that that's kind of the problem, and then we're ready to get on with it because I have recovered my sense of humor. Kendra gets strapped in as Victoria frets about what will happen if the cord chokes her. I think it's safe to say that, at least for Victoria, the answer is, "Your husband will blame you for getting your stupid neck in the way." They strap ankle weights to Kendra, which I assume is a move intended to keep her body in the right position in flight, and then they throw the switch and she flies, screaming, into the air. Freddy throws his head back and laughs, so, you know, he'd better hope she's okay. Because otherwise, that will look bad on the news. "Oh, I'm dizzy, I'm sick," Kendra says, as she begins the process of being lowered to the ground. "I'm dizzy, baby," she repeats. When she's all done, she lies on the ground for a minute. "This ain't looking good," Gus says. "She's still down." And indeed, Kendra takes a minute to recover before popping up again. Boy, that turned out to be important. I'm glad they showed it in the previews. They pull the clue, which tells them to fly to Budapest. Phil explains that it's about a 450-mile flight, and there, they'll take a "notoriously unreliable" car called a Trabant. If it breaks down and it isn't their fault, they will get another car, but they won't get a time credit. And in the Trabant, they will go 62 miles to Eger and find a castle where the clue is located.
Nuance runs for their cab, and Kendra still feels sick.
Meanwhile, Hayden straps in for the bungee, explaining that her fear of heights is such that, under normal circumstances, she doesn't even go on roller coasters. Aaron makes the rather unflattering comparison of his girlfriend to a caught fish wiggling around on the end of a line as we watch Hayden zing around the air on the end of the bungee cord. And by "unflattering," I mean "kind of accurate." They get their clue and go. Victoria goes , even though she classifies herself as "not excited" about the Roadblock. "Victoria, you're a superhero!" Jonathan yells, unwittingly saying something he is very fortunate is not true, although I would have enjoyed seeing him pounded to the ground by the Boobs of Justice. Victoria is cranked up and sent flying. When she's done, he asks her again if she feels "like a superhero" (ugh), and then mercifully, it's over. Yuck.