What If It Isn't Sanitary?

Previously on Say Hay: As all the tourist brochures have been telling you for years, Sweden was the perfect place to count bears and skillets, and it remained the world capital of particleboard furniture. Other teams started to notice all the Spazpants screaming, and ran as fast as they could in the other direction. Kris and Jon didn't understand what there was to be all grumpy about, and they scooted into a tie for first place with a far grumpier Hayden and Aaron. But before anyone could get to the mat, they were forced to face down a harrowing Roadblock that was a lot like looking for a needle in a haystack. Because that's what it was, if you assume the needle was shaped like a clue envelope. Luck on the Roadblock ranged from good to wretched, and on the wretched end were Kristy and Lena, who spent eight hours in a field of hay without coming up with a single clue, and were Philiminated. Oh, the vagaries of Roadblock fortune and misfortune.

Credits. Fear Bolo's frowny-face! [BOMP.]

Water! Marching! Trains! We skim across Stockholm's harbor until we land on the Af Chapman, and then we find Phil strolling by the water. And he looks yummy, although that is the same green sweater from last week. It figures that the first decent sweater he's had in years would be destroyed as an attraction by way of total overkill. Just because I like it, Phil, doesn't mean you shouldn't change it. Team arrival footage is followed by opening patter, and although Phil doesn't actually say "eat, sleep, and mingle," we do get our first good E/S/M footage of the season, which actually consists mostly of teams smooching, as Phil reviews his questions of the week, which are, in order: (1) Will the front-runners remain in front? (2) Will the bottom-feeders get out of last place? Phil worries about these things on a regular basis, in case you haven't noticed.

2:04 AM. Hayden and Aaron, leaving in first place. They rip the clue, and Phil explains that they will have to go a couple of miles into town to get to the top of Town Hall Tower, where another clue awaits.

2:05 AM. Kris and Jon, just on the heels of Hayden and Aaron. As the four leave together, Hayden voices over that they've all decided to head to the tower as a group. They arrive at what is apparently the Stockholm Sheraton, where a guy points the way to the tower, which -- as you might expect -- is part of the City Hall. They then run into a couple of locals and ask them what time it opens. "Ten o'clock," they're told. And they're all like, "Oh, okay." Because locals would obviously know the hours of operation for race purposes, and besides, who really cares? What's a million dollars? These two teams, taking the information they've been given at something short of even face value, sit on a bench to ponder how sad it is to lose their entire lead. And because they're too weenie to wait outside the tower until it opens so they can be first in line (again, madness), they go inside the local Sheraton and hang out in the lounge, figuring they'll all just take a nice snooze and head over in the morning at 9:30 or so. You know how it is -- you have a croissant, you get some coffee, you amble. You enjoy the scenery, because hey -- that's why you're there.

3:06 AM. Almost an hour off the lead, here go Gus and Hera. He explains as they go that their philosophy is basically that whoever is going to lead leads, and then the other person tries not to get in the way. I can see that strategy working early on when everybody's still sharp, but I kind of think combining your brain power is important late in the game.

3:10 AM. Spazpants. And yes, I'm taking that hat as a shout-out. For those of you who didn't experience the non-hilarity for yourselves, he's got a sort of light blue fuzzy bowler with black stars on it. Yeah, you heard me. He also is wearing the closest things you will see on the race to actual Spazpants in the "article of clothing" sense, which look like the pajama bottoms you would get a five-year-old boy who wants to be an astronaut. Not breaking a lot of new ground in terms of race analysis, Jonathan tells us that their problems "have been with each other, not the race." I suppose they are bored with each other's placid demeanor. She interviews -- looking rough, seriously -- that they go back and forth between being okay and wanting to kill each other. Well, they're halfway to feeling about themselves exactly the way I feel about them. They run into Gus and Hera, and the two teams find themselves a local who also tells them that the tower opens in the morning at 10:00. So they, too, think the Sheraton Stockholm sounds like a super place to chill out. So now, we have four out of our eight teams taking a nice long nap, just assuming that the thing opens when the locals said it did.

The music gets really loud, like they're in some kind of an irritatingly loud nightclub, and then it's 5:37 AM, and it's light outside, and Hornio is leaving. Man, people really did spread out on that last leg with the counting and the hay bales. We've had legs where everybody leaves within a half an hour of each other -- these people are already three and a half hours off the lead. As they leave, Rebecca gives us the highly unfortunate information that El Hornio, when she met him, did not clip his own toenails. His mother did it for him, in what I can only assume was a ritual that involved a lot of crying. ["By me. Because ew." -- Sars] Rebecca says, "I was like, 'If you're going to be my boyfriend, you have to cut your own toenails.'" Well, a girl's got to have standards, really. We now watch as, for some reason, El Hornio does some kind of physical comedy by the water, screwing around with the hand statue sticking up out of the harbor. Hilarious. Because nobody has ever done that before, I'm sure. That and making it look like you're holding up the Leaning Tower of Pisa are probably neck and neck for Least Inventive Tourist Gag of the Western Hemisphere. El Hornio then interviews that he is "definitely a baby." He confirms that he lives with, as he puts it, his "Mommy and Daddy." I'm sure Mommy and Daddy really appreciate that. Hornio finds a local who points out the tower for them. They, not having received word that you don't have to actually look at signs at entrances if you can just get locals to give you an idea of when the doors usually open, go to the tower directly, and they find a sign on the gate that says the gate is open from 7:00 AM to 5:00 PM on weekdays. And it's currently 6:05 AM. Well, that will be nice for the people not planning to put in an appearance until 9:30.

6:09 AM. Four hours off the lead, Freddy and Kendra. Kendra, sounding bored with her own "we're opposites" routine, drolly observes that she likes "the finer things in life," while Freddy is more "down and dirty." Ahem. Hee hee. What? "We say he's beer and dirt and I'm champagne and flowers," Kendra says. Hmm. Well...are those the only choices, or can I be beer and flowers? They also find the entrance and the sign indicating 7:00 AM. And at the gate, they meet up with Hornio, as Rebecca expresses her surprise that the lead teams aren't hanging around the entrance. I have to say, the only thing El Hornio can do to make his hair presentation look more odd is what he's doing in this scene, where he pulls a black hood up to the front of his head so that just his horns are sticking out. He looks like a little kitty. Mew!

At the Stockholm Sheraton, semi-smooth semi-jazz plays as Gus and Hera start to leave for the tower. Hayden and Aaron, Kris and Jon, and Spazpants are just waking up. And according to the yellow captioning, although you couldn't prove it by me, Victoria wakes Jonathan up by saying, "Wake up, Boo Boo." The notion of someone calling that man "Boo Boo" is so revolting that I am forced to immediately take six giant Tums, grind them up in a glass of tequila, and gulp the entire thing.

Over at the tower, at 7:00 AM, Hornio and Nuance are the only teams there when the gate opens, and they go in, very curious about where the teams ahead of them could possibly be. Rebecca says, "Anything could have happened," but even she is probably not contemplating that they frankly didn't give enough of a rat's ass to walk across the street and look at the sign. They climb to the top of the tower and find a clue, which tells them to fly to Dakar, in Senegal. "We're going to Africa," El Hornio notes with some excitement. Phil tells us that this is a 3500-mile shot, and there will be a clue waiting right by the airport when they get there. Rebecca celebrates the concept of Africa with the We're Going To Africa Hippy-Hippy Shake. Nuance is similarly excited. It won't last. Hornio and Nuance both get taxis to the airport, told that it's about a 40-minute ride. In the taxi, however, Kendra starts to fret about the fact that they should probably be taking the train, which even the cab driver says is faster than taking a taxi. As Freddy tries to ignore her, Kendra gets more and more exorcised over the fact that he "wouldn't spend the money on a hotel," but will spend the money on a cab over the train. His only argument in favor of the cab ride seems to be simplicity, and that is indeed a fairly weak argument, given that you really shouldn't be on the show if you're afraid of the complexity of...you know, travel. She's also showing some unrealistic expectations, of course, when she starts to gripe about having to sleep outside or "on some dirty floor." Hey! Sleeping on some dirty floor is a long and glorious tradition, princess. Don't knock it. If you're already getting grumpy about the accommodations, you're going to run out of steam much too early to win a million bucks. "You need to think before you make decisions," she declares.

In the Hornio cab, they're practicing their Bolo impression. Which involves clenching their teeth so as to "make [their] lips disappear." It's...you know, funny, but a little easy. It's like a comedian whose big move is an Elvis impression or a chef who says he makes a great New York cheesecake. It's hard to go wrong when you pick the easiest target.

Speaking of which, here are Lori and Bolo, leaving at 7:52 AM, behind the lead teams by almost six hours. I'm sure someone will correct me, but I can't remember ever seeing a spread of this magnitude this early on. My guess is that the task planners had no idea how long it would take people who chose counting, and no idea how long they would keep at it when it was obvious that it was going to take them forever and they should just build the damn desk already. Not to mention, I guess, how long the hay bales wound up taking. Bolo claims that the race has "brought [them] together," because they're "not arguing as much." My God, as much as what? He also uses the unique construction, "I'm better than you are, you're better than me are." Well, that's what too many piledrivers will do to you. Bolo makes excited noises to their cab driver.

Aaaand bringing up the rear are Don and MJ, leaving at 7:53. Don tells us that it's like boxing. "We got bloodied in round three, but the fight isn't over." He promises that they're "coming out fighting." "Hurry, hurry, hurry," MJ says to their cab driver. And then she punches him. Just kidding.

"Daddy, it's open," Hera says as she and Gus approach the tower gate. "We should have come an hour ago," Hera quite correctly observes when they see the sign. Down on the street, Spazpants is eyeballing the tower, and Victoria is peeking at the top through binoculars. "I see people at the top of there already," she says. "How'd they get up there if it doesn't open till 10:00?" Gus and Hera, clue in hand, grab a cab to the airport.

Speaking of the airport, Nuance is already there, first to inquire about airline tickets. They land a flight that leaves at 11:20 AM. They get their tickets and are caption-confirmed as "1st on Air France flight." Hornio shows up at the ticket counter and learns the same thing. They get their tickets and meet up with Nuance for a chitchat. "I'm really, really curious about what happened to the other four teams," El Hornio observes.

Speaking of the other four teams, here are Hayden and Aaron, finally ambling out of the Stockholm Sheraton. And here are Kris and Jon, wandering around town with all the time they have to kill. Ack! Even now, they don't even go look. Unbelievable. And who did go and look, finally? Spazpants, of course. When they see that the gate is open, they, too, feel stupid, and you'll notice that Victoria says, "I told you," which she probably did. But I'm sure he didn't listen. Because why would he? They get their clue and get themselves a cab. Jonathan pesters the driver, actually smacking him on the arm all, "Let's go, we're in a race, come on!" "I cannot go on this red," says the driver, as we see that, indeed, they are stopped at a red light. Idiot. "Okay," Jonathan says, resigned. Well, that's big of him not to expect the driver to blow off all the traffic laws.

up the tower are Lori and Bolo, then Don and MJ. "We've been practicing stairs, thank God," Don says as they sit in their cab on the way to the airport.

Fortunately for Hayden, Aaron decides they ought to head over to the tower to just check on it, even though it's not time to go yet. "I see somebody over there," Hayden says in surprise as they take off running toward the gate. "We're stupid," she says as they spot the sign. "That's what we get," Aaron grumps. "We should have been waiting out front." Well, yes. In better news, they at least come up with the idea of getting to the train to get to the airport, apparently getting this information from their travel book.

Aaand bringing up the rear is My Favorite Team, which is in the general vicinity of the tower, such that they manage to spot Hayden and Aaron at a run toward their taxi. "Why are they in such a hurry?" she wonders. "Is it open?" Jon calls out as they run toward the tower. "Yes," Hayden says back. "Oh my God," Jon says unhappily as they head for the clue. "We are such idiots," Kris offers. And...yes. I mean, generally, no, but in this case, yes. They, too, think the train to the airport will be better. Both lagging teams head to the train station to catch a ride to the airport. And they'd better shake a leg if they're going to make that 11:20 flight out of Stockholm to Paris.

Gus and Hera get to the airport, and while they're buying at the ticket counter, Lori and Bolo come up, so those teams get their tickets together. Back at the train station, Aaron is still kicking himself for not looking at the hours of operation. "That's what we get," he says again. It appears that they and Kris and Jon wind up on the same train. "I think we're last," Jon observes unhappily. Yeah, I think so.

At the airport, Spazpants arrives, and Jonathan requests tickets to "Dakar, Africa," which is kind of like asking for tickets to "Paris, Europe," but all right. They get a flight to Paris that's ten minutes earlier than everyone else's, but they're scheduled for the same Dakar connection, so it makes no difference. Well, except for the fact that Jonathan thinks this will "put the fear" into the other teams that they have a different flight. That certainly is a brilliant plan, except that with no conceivable benefit, it opens the door to something going wrong on your flight and your being completely screwed. So, like his hat, it's a lot of show for something that doesn't ultimately make a lick of sense. Don and MJ get to the airport and get their tickets, and then we see teams beginning to board the flight to Paris. Hayden and Aaron, then Kris and Jon, finally show up at the airport, and...they all get on the flight. Damn, that was not a good situation. Phil explains that all of the teams are now on their way to Dakar, by way of Paris. There are two Amazing Yellow Lines running together from Stockholm to Paris, like, "We can't even distinguish stupid Jonathan's flight from anyone else's, but just take note -- he's on a different flight! Ooooh, everybody's terrified! He's put the fear in them!"

Our introduction to Dakar shows first a beach, then a town, then some women walking in some major faboo outfits, then a whole variety of folks milling around, as you do. The flight lands at night, and everyone tears through the airport and out the front, in search of their clue. When they find it and open it, it tells them to find out who wrote the poem, called "Femme Noir," that's included with the clue, and go to that person's "final resting place." Wait, is that an actual clue in the "clue" sense? In something other than the "go here, dummy" sense? It seems that it is. Phil explains that the author of the poem is the former president of Senegal, Leopold Sedar Senghor. They'll need to figure that out, and then head to Senghor's grave, where they'll get another clue.

Gus and Hera seem to get the brush-off from some cab drivers in a nascent storyline that isn't really explored very much, so it's hard to say exactly what went on there. There does seem to be quite a bit of chaos with taxis. Kris and Jon get a taxi, which is the good part, but they don't seem to technically know where they're going, which is the bad part. Eventually, Hera snags herself a taxi, making use of her handy knowledge of French, and she's quoted a price of 20...somethings. U.S. dollars? Hard to say. Don and MJ run into some guys who can at least tell them who wrote the poem. Lori and Bolo run into some other guys who tell them that they want the Bel Air cemetery. Ah, closer and closer, no? Hornio, too, has been told to head for Bel Air. Spazpants, on the other hand, is having a bit more trouble, to the point where Jonathan feels it necessary to act out the concept of death, complete with a finger drawn across his throat. Tantalizing. But who am I to judge, because..."Bel Air," someone says. Well, never let anyone tell you mime doesn't come in handy in foreign countries.

As Spazpants hunts for a cab, Jonathan throws a hissy, running around all, "I need somebody that speaks to me in English!" He gets them a cab driver eventually, and once they're in the cab, Victoria makes use of a little French herself, saying, "Vite, vite." (Which does, indeed, mean "quickly" in French, so there's one point for Lady Spazpants.) They take off. Meanwhile, Rebecca is having some doubts about the Hornio cab driver. "You sure you know where it is?" she says firmly but evenly. "Yes," he tells her. "Okay," she says. "You don't look like you know where it is." Heh. Yeah, I don't blame her for that one, because we have seen quite a few teams get hosed by cab drivers who claim to know where they're going and don't. "So far, Africa sucks," El Hornio says. Not to judge and entire continent by what you see at the airport or anything. He goes on to declare Dakar "the worst, most nightmarish place I've ever been to in my life." Well, not everything can be Mommy and Daddy's house.

Lori and Bolo are having the same negotiation with their guy, as Bolo says that he has to be sure he knows where they're going, because they don't have time to "drive all around Africa." Oy. They apparently decide to gamble on their guy, because there they go. Kendra and Freddy, on the other hand, can't even get anybody to confirm who the poet is at first. They get as much as "downtown," and then they get a cab, which Kendra loudly declares "a jalopy." Which...is true, but...you want to watch out for that. Freddy opines that it's all "mayhem" in Dakar so far, with the airport and the people. He thinks it's all very "unsafe." Hayden and Aaron are back at the airport snagging a cab, which she declares "so gross." Really, I don't judge so much for this, as they seem to be saying it to each other, and there is such a thing as a cab that would make me comment that it was gross, too. Don and MJ are getting a cab, a discussion that gets a little tricky when the driver takes exception to MJ tapping him on the shoulder and moves her hand away. "Don't touch," he says.

Kris and Jon, in their cab, admit that they aren't sure they know who wrote the poem, but they're just hoping they're headed to the right cemetery. Oh, that's not good. Elsewhere, the Nuance cab is pulling into a gas station. "What are you doing?" Freddy asks. It would appear that their guy has chosen this moment to put air in the tires. Hmph. Kendra says "jalopy" again, so she's apparently really enjoying rolling that word around in her mouth. ["As the owner of a jalopy myself, I can attest that it is a pretty fun word to say. However: shut up, Kendra." -- Sars]

And then, in one of my episode highlights, in the back of the Spazpants cab, Victoria says again, "Vite, vite." Jonathan stops, looks at her, and then repeats, "Beep, beep." HA! "No, not 'beep, beep,' Jon," she says. "That's not the word." Yeah. He's a pretty intense competitor, for a guy who is unofficially channeling the Road Runner. In the Don and MJ cab, she's trying to explain that they're in a race, and their driver doesn't seem to care all that much, which is a fairly common reaction, I find. And then you hear the pop. Because Don and MJ, as appears to be their lot in life, now have a flat tire. As their driver examines the tires, MJ looks at a passing car and wonders, "Is that anybody with us?" Indeed, it is -- it's Nuance. "Oh, no," Freddy says with what sounds like genuine concern. "There's Don and Mary Jean...got a flat tire." MJ waves as they go by, but they don't stop. And really, you can't blame them. It's not like they could give them a ride even if they wanted to. Don and MJ look miserably upon their tire.

Commercials. Shut up, Sarah Jessica Parker.

We return to find that not only do Don and MJ have a flat, but their driver doesn't appear to have a functional jack. "We need Bolo to lift the car up," Don remarks. Snerk. Lori and Bolo, on the other hand, are speeding toward the cemetery. "Hurry, hurry, we're in a race," Bolo says. "We must win." In the absence of Bolo, Don and the cab driver cooperate to lift up the car so that MJ can prop it up to be fixed. Once that's done, the driver changes the tire, and then they take off. In the cab, Don observes, "Once again, the fickle finger of fate has...diddled us." A line I still cannot believe got past the censors, who apparently do not know what "diddled" means, and are thinking it has something to do with making an "OK" sign or something. That's the only thing I can possibly surmise. Anyway, it made me laugh and laugh, and it makes MJ laugh, too.

Kris and Jon hop out of their cab at a cemetery, but it doesn't appear that it's the cemetery. "Babe, I don't think this is it," Jon says. Hera, meanwhile, observes in her cab that it's a weird feeling having no idea where she's going. "He could be taking us off to the depths of the earth as far as I know," she says. Somewhere, Jonathan talks down to Victoria. Kendra is also not enjoying the ride, and has noted the unmistakable smell that makes her think they might be driving through sewage. And again, for this, I do not blame her. There's no way I can claim I wouldn't comment on that. I comment on it when I drive past farms, so.

Spazpants bickers over the arranging of the fish, and then he notes that Kris and Jon are catching up. You know, as they do. "Good job, baby, keep goin'," Jon says as Kris bends over the table. Elsewhere, Bolo tells Lori hers are faced the wrong way. She screeches that they aren't. "That's a smell that'll wake you up in the morning," Rebecca says with mock cheerfulness as she empties a bucket of fish onto a table. They, and Hayden and Aaron, soldier on.

Out on the water, Don and MJ are having no luck, and Gus and Hera are having even less luck than that -- she's having to madly bail out the boat. "Not even a bite," Gus observes. Oh, and there's something else -- "Don's seasick," MJ observes as we hear Don gagging over the side of the boat. It's always nice when they crank up the body mics for that nice "Bleeaarrrghh," because otherwise, how would we be able to follow what's going on? Hera, over in her boat, says that she, too, isn't feeling so good. "I never want to go fishing again in my entire life," she says.

Commercials. Get a wrap from Arby's. No, really. Roast beef sandwiches are the devil's handiwork.

When we return, Gus finally hauls in a fish. "Good job, Daddy," Hera observes. MJ manages to bring up two at a time. "Oh, sweetheart," he says noncommittally. "If you could throw up again, maybe you could attract some more," she says. "Don't worry," he replies dryly. Snerk.

Back on shore, Spazpants finishes the fish-stacking, and when the woman working at the table goes to hand them their clue, Jonathan reaches over and not only hugs her, but kisses her. That is so very, very inappropriate I cannot even tell you. No amount of candy for children makes up for respecting adults in any place you visit, because they are not children, and they don't want you to sweep them up into your arms without asking. Especially if you're him. At any rate, they rip the clue, and it tells them to go by taxi to the salt mounts at Lac Rose. There, they'll get a new clue. Believe it or not, Spazpants still has Ejal with them as they leave, and Jonathan prods him to make the driver hurry up. Oy, that is already so tiresome.

Kris and Jon work with robot-like efficiency. Nuance does too, although Kendra would like you to know it's "disgusting." Hayden is nagging Aaron about filling in some remaining holes on their table. to finish are...Kris and Jon. "Kris and Jon are done," Rebecca says. "Well, good for them," snots El Hornio. Because if Kris and Jon jumped off a bridge, Rebecca probably would want to do the same thing. Nuance is to finish, and then Hayden and Aaron.

Out on the sea, Don is still sick, but MJ notes that she's "not supposed to talk about it," apparently because it makes him feel worse. Hera pulls up the second fish for herself and Gus, but she tells us that she's still not feeling well.

Spazpants approaches Lac Rose. "Oh, God," Jonathan laments, "I see the mounds and mounds and mounds." Apparently, he's been looking at his wife again. Rimshot! They hop out at the clue box, and when they pull the clue, it says, "Who wants to bathe in rose water?" "You," Victoria immediately says. Phil, wearing a decent blue shirt and white pants that are only forgivable because of the unusual picture presented by the pink water and hills of white salt, explains about Roadblocks generally, and then about this one in particular. Basically, one person has to wade into the lake and scoop salt off the bottom using a basket, and then haul the salt back to shore. When you've hauled back enough to fill a big bucket, you're done. As Jonathan wades into the dark pink water, Victoria yells a reminder to him that although there are floating platforms with already-harvested salt on them, he's not allowed to use any of that. He needs to bring it up from the bottom. For some reason, Jonathan seems to be starting by trying to scoop up salt with his...chest, or something, so that's all quite mysterious. His physique is not quite that powerful. But eventually he figures out that you just stand up, reach down, and scrape salt up from the bottom. He returns and empties his basket into the bucket.

Lori and Bolo fill in one last hole in their drying table and take off, leaving Hornio as the last team stacking. Before long, however, they're on their way as well.

And out on the water, up comes Don and MJ's third fish. "Uno mas," he says to her. With a cymbal crash, Gus and Hera get theirs as well. "Number four, sil vous plait," Gus says, so apparently, praying in Romance languages is all the rage.

Kris and Jon have gotten some more bad cab driver karma, and appear to not be where they need to be, as far as getting to the salt mounds. Nuance and Hayden and Aaron, however, are pulling up to the clue box. The Roadblock is taken by Kendra and Hayden. Kendra gives us the episode title as she wades in saying, "Ohh, what if this isn't sanitary?" Well, it's supersaturated with salt, dear, so there's probably not a lot living it, bacteria-wise. She also expresses concern about why the water is red. She voices over that she thought maybe the color in the water was blood. Of course, the amount of blood -- from a stabbed flamingo, presumably -- that it would take to turn a lake that size that shade of pink is rather imposing. Kendra sort of fusses around with the shovel and the salt, wanting to know if she can do it in some neat way without getting all icky. "Why did I let her do this?" Freddy mutters to himself. Well, she's going to have to do something. ["Better this than a brain-teaser, Freddy. Girl's a bonehead." -- Sars] Aaron cuts right to the chase, telling Hayden that there isn't going to be a way to do this without getting down in the water. "You've got to get wet," he tells her. And then, she starts bringing up the scoops of salt.

And now, finally, Kris and Jon pull up to the Roadblock. She takes it, charging right out into the water. A bit behind her is Lori, who takes it for her team, and then El Hornio. "It just looks like a manual labor thing," Rebecca says, which I guess is supposed to support giving it to him, but came out sounding a little funny. As soon as he gets into the water, El Hornio starts to complain. "What do I do with this?" he asks. "Scoop it up, scoop it up!" she hollers back, miming it for him in case he can't hear. Jonathan brings back a basket for Spazpants, and then Kris brings one back for her team, leaving it just at the surface of the water, hoping (I think) that the water will support it a little. She pours the salt into the bucket and then, as she heads back out, Jon says, "Damn, she's hot." He goes on: "Kris is doing great, and she looks even better doing it." He smiles a little, not quite embarrassed, and then we get a rather gratuitous shot of Kris's boobs from about three inches away, which...is just a trifle heavy-handed, guys. I'm not against finding your girlfriend hot, though. The comment's not gross, just the shot.

"NOW SNATCH THAT UP ON YOUR HEAD!" Bolo shouts at Lori. She hoists the basket up and does indeed walk it back on her head as her husband screams his approval. They certainly don't do anything halfway, those two. Everyone else is still plugging away, too, as Kendra frets that she can't see, because she has salt water in her eyes. Back on shore, Freddy gives her a rinse with a bottle of water. I bet that does sting. El Hornio is having the same problem, but in his case, it seems to make him angry at Rebecca, who is apparently responsible for the salt in the water, as it is a lake full of his tears, which is why he might have to just drown himself. She wipes off his eyes for him, and then she orders him to get back to work.

Jonathan is the first to fill up the bucket (booo!), so he and Victoria get the clue. It tells them to head to Ile de Goree and look for the pit stop. Getting there, as Phil explains, will require a trip on a ferry to the island, which was used as a prison for slaves about to be sent to "the New World," and is now a memorial and tourist spot. When the teams get there, they'll look through the streets until they find the pit stop, where the last team to check in "may be eliminated." Oh, Phil. You tease. Anyway, Spazpants gets in a cab and heads out.

"Come on, Adam, you're a man, you've got a [something] of girls doing this! You're stronger than that!" El Hornio is not helped by this, judging from the way he yells, "Rebecca, shut up!" "I should've done this one," she says simply into the camera. Kris and Jon finish up the Roadblock, which is again pretty impressive. She is indeed no pushover, that girl, for someone who's so perky.

You may have forgotten, but Gus and Hera and Don and MJ are still out on the water. Hera still looks queasy, but Gus manages to pull up their last fish, and they come to shore. Up on the beach, they hand in their fish and have them counted, and they get the clue sending them to the salt mounds. "We're last," Gus laments as they get in the cab. "No," Hera corrects, "Don and MJ are still out there." Aww.

And indeed, here they are. We get a particularly colorful sound bite of Don heaving some more of his guts over the side of the boat, and then MJ catches her last one. "Andale," she says, rather meaninglessly, as they head for shore. "Every time Don threw up, I caught fish," she says matter-of-factly. I don't even want to think about whether that has a reason to be true, but it very well might. They go ashore as well, hand in their fish, and get their clue.

Bolo cheers loudly for Lori at the salt mounds as she brings back a bucket. El Hornio? Still struggling. Lori gets done before he does, and Bolo pronounces her performance "frickin' ass-kickin'." It's barely censor-friendly, and it rhymes. Take that! , Hayden finishes. In the cab, she asks Aaron, "How did Kris beat me?" "She kicked your butt," Aaron says simply. And...yes. I mean, it's rude, but what else was the guy supposed to say, especially when she's being sort of bitchy like that, as if there's any reason why Kris shouldn't beat her? Meanwhile, in the Kris and Jon cab, Jon is telling her how great she was. "You rocked ba-a-a-ad," he chuckles. Even Kendra manages to finish the Roadblock before El Hornio, which you can tell he's going to hear about from Rebecca for about a hundred years. When everyone else is gone, Rebecca tries to offer additional encouragement, only to get the "shut up" again. "Lori and Adam started at the same time," Rebecca says to the camera. "It's baffling. That's a girl. Adam's a boy." Is it really that shocking to Rebecca that Adam was beaten in a brute strength competition by a woman who happens to be a professional wrestler? Has Rebecca met Lori? Because Lori could snap Rebecca in half like a number two pencil, and it should come as no surprise that with her zillion-inch biceps, she can carry something heavy faster than El Hornio. El Hornio continues to struggle. Poor kitty.

Commercials. The question that went around the living room where I watched this episode was this: Do you know anyone who has ever seen Center of the Universe? No? Yeah, we didn't either.

El Hornio brings the last basket of salt back to Rebecca. Or, I should say, what he thinks is the last one. It turns out that the guy checking buckets wants El Hornio to produce one more basket before he'll declare the thing full. Rebecca tells El Hornio only to fill it halfway.

Elsewhere, Spazpants is brought to a grinding halt by the traffic. "Why are we stopped?" Jonathan asks impatiently, while...surrounded by a billion other cars. And I'm thinking that's probably part of it, the crush of traffic. Meanwhile, in the Kris and Jon cab, Jon asks his driver whether there's another way to go.

Still complaining about the salt in his eyes, El Hornio brings back the last basket and dumps it into the bucket, and now he's done. In their cab, he says, "I'm physically weak, apparently." "If you'd stop being a wussy boy, then maybe no one would say that." Well, aren't they lovely?

In the Spazpants cab, Jonathan is complaining about how the other teams are very close behind them. But Kris and Jon's cab driver is actually finding a way around the traffic, apparently using the Senegal version of driving on the shoulder, only there's kind of no shoulder. "We got the mack daddy driver," Jon observes. "He's got the stogie hanging out, a little cell phone..." And indeed, the driver looks like a pretty cool character, but that's a cigarette, not a stogie, dude. ["My brother and I call cigarettes 'stogies,' actually." -- Sars] Lori and Bolo are bugging their driver, too, about how they're in a competition and they've got no time for traffic. Nuance and Hayden and Aaron are on the way to the ferry as well, and Freddy is sure that if they can just get to the first ferry, everything will be fine.

Gus and Hera get to the Roadblock, and he takes it. But out in the water, Gus appears to want to just shovel salt off of the platforms, and Hera has to yell to him several times, sounding like her voice is beginning to fail, that he can't take that salt; it has to come from the bottom the way the people already working at the lake are doing it.

Kris explains that their cab driver zoomed out of the traffic and hit the side streets, and they've done great. They're the first to get ferry tickets. Spazpants is right behind them, but when they go to open the trunk of the Spazpants cab, it won't open. Now that is some taxicab karma for you. Eventually, the trunk is forced open, but by the time they get there, they're told, "Boat is full, man." They do some begging, but it's not going to work. The only people on Ferry #1 as it takes off are Kris and Jon. "It's go time," Jon tells her. This time, we don't get to see how much she loves go time, but I'm sure she still does.

Back on shore, Lori and Bolo catch up with Spazpants, as do Hayden and Aaron and Nuance. And even Hornio!

At the Roadblock, Gus continues pouring salt into the bucket. And now, arriving at the Roadblock, MJ says that she'll have to do it, because Don is still sick. She goes wading out gamely into the water. "You're doing incredible, sweetheart," he says, as she hauls back a basket. Gus works. MJ works.

Ferry #2 leaves, carrying Spazpants, Lori and Bolo, Hayden and Aaron, Nuance, and Hornio. "Oh, it stinks. I don't think it's us," Hayden says as they board. Heh. I suspect that if they sense a stink, it is probably in addition to them, rather than instead of them. On the ferry, El Hornio speaks earnestly to Rebecca about how "unsupportive" she is "right now." As opposed to...like, always. She insists that she was supportive, even though he screamed the whole time. He bellyaches about how much his eyes were hurting, and she finally cuts him off, loudly snotting, "Adam, I don't have time to babysit my girlfriend anymore." You know, when you make your really scathing comments, you want to do it in a way that doesn't require the use of [sic]. That's just a hint. "Do you want me to jump out of the boat?" he asks, threatening suicide for the second time in about a week. "That'd be awesome," she says impatiently. Yeah. She can't say that without sounding like a bitch, but...seriously, enough with the "goodbye, cruel world" routine. That's so far removed from "charming," it's positively unreal.

The first ferry lands at the Ile de Goree, and as Kris looks at the people all playing on the beach, she says, "Dude, look how cool this is." They wander around, without any particular idea where to find the pit stop, but then before you know it, there's Phil with the greeter. They step up on the mat. Welcome, My Favorite Team, you are team number one. Yay! And also, you win another Caribbean vacation. Can I come? It would be fun! We'll drink little fruity drinks and laugh at everyone! You'll love mockery when you get used to it!

Gus and Hera finish the Roadblock at last. MJ is still working. In the cab, a very shirtless Gus notes that MJ is still back there, and he feels bad for her. Back at the beach, we watch as MJ hauls another basket of sand up to the bucket. "I hope I can lift it up when I get there," she muses. She does indeed lift it and flip it into the bucket. "You're doing incredible, sweetheart," Don says. As she heads back out, empty basket resting on her head, Don breaks down, burbling. "She's one hell of a woman," he says. "I'm so proud of her." Yeah, it's a little goofy, but...yeah, seeing somebody you really love kick the ass of something really difficult is pretty cool. She brings back one more basket. "It's killing me to watch you out there," he says. "This is the heaviest one," she says. And then she gives a mighty groan, lifts it up, and tips it into the basket. A round of applause breaks out on the beach, because she has filled it up. They read the clue as their caption comes up: "Currently in Last Place." Sniff! In the cab, they share a smooch, surprisingly upbeat despite what they have to suspect is likely elimination.

The second ferry makes its way to the island. Everybody piles off, and the searching begins. Spazpants hits the mat second. Bolo and Lori are third, Hayden and Aaron are fourth, Nuance fifth, and Hornio sixth. That is one grudging peck they exchange.

Gus and Hera are caught in traffic, and as they sit, she muses that if they get bunched with Don and MJ at the ferry, they might be in a footrace to the pit stop, and she's not sure how they'll do in a footrace. Don and MJ are indeed headed for the ferry, but they do not quite make it in time for the ferry that leaves with Gus and Hera. "Son of a bitch," MJ says. Hee. Don looks a little stunned. When they finally get on a ferry, she says she feels "discouraged," and Don gives the obligatory "it was a good day" speech that so often precedes Philimination. Siiiigh.

Gus and Hera wander a little bit looking for the pit stop, and Don and MJ's ferry gets there. Will they get lost too? Will something happen? Will Don and MJ save themselves? Well, probably not, because they immediately get lost, too. Wandering ensues, and then we're in one of those dumb sequences where Phil stares off at the emptiness, wondering who will arrive . And it's...Gus and Hera. Welcome, Gus and Hera, you are team number seven.