The Game's Afoot

Brrrrrump! We float into Chicago, and then bang-zoom to Phil "Hey Ya" Keoghan, atop a tall building in a shot that strongly recalls the openings of yore, so that's kind of a good sign. In a moment that seems like less of a good sign, Phil calls Chicago "America's gateway to the Midwest." My hackles immediately rise, because, not to quarrel with Phil, but Chicago isn't a gateway to jack. Chicago leans as hard as it can to the east so that it can be the New York Sort Of By The Mississippi River rather than the Minneapolis Sort Of By The Atlantic Ocean. Take it from someone living in the actual Midwest: Chicago thinks it's too cool for us. It doesn't invite us to parties, and our last Christmas card wasn't even signed, and all it wrote in our yearbook was, "Have a great summer!" So if you want to get to know us, don't use Chicago as a gateway, because we will only roll our eyes. As you can see, I got myself rather worked up over this issue, until I realized that because the show has used almost exactly that line before, I have used almost exactly this response before. (Honestly, "gateway to jack" and "gateway to squat" are similar enough that they would cause copyright problems for the current me, if the me weren't also me, if you see my point.) So in the spirit of the new season, everything old is new again, and I am clearly a hack. Anyway, whoever writes Phil's lines apparently stopped at this point to refer to the book 10,000 Things To Know About Chicago's Secret Shadow Government and noticed that you will be imprisoned if you try to leave town without saying "Windy City," so Phil takes care of that. From here, he explains, 11 teams will race around the world, and blah blah million dollars, and COME ON, LET'S GO! Yeah, I am impatient. Cut me a fuckin' break; I've been recapping Survivor.

And then suddenly, we are watching teams skim across the water in speedboats, in a sequence that looks disturbingly like the beginning of one of TV's many Rupertfests, and I writhe with pain at the thought that this might be an omen. If Phil says "ahoy, matey" at any time, I am turning in my [BOMP], not that the thought of Phil with a parrot on his shoulder and an eye patch doesn't make me giggle. Phil says that the teams are zooming across Lake Michigan toward Chicago, and then he reminds anyone who's forgotten that each team is made up of two people who already know each other. And, in many cases, have already seen each other in their underwear, either in a catalog or otherwise. Would you like to meet them? Think carefully before you answer that; things have changed here on Waltons' Mountain since our idea of evil sounded like this: "[Clink.]" You never know whom you might find on the other side of that fourth wall.

Kris and Jon have been dating long-distance for a year, and, I suspect, are wearing out all the free smileys available through IM. They can even tell you the subtle difference between the regular smiley and the smiley with the teeth, and how improper use of Winking Smiley has doomed many otherwise healthy relationships. Anyway, they are separated by the vast expanse between California and Arizona, so boo hoo hoo, they probably talk on the phone while lying by the pool in the middle of winter, meaning that they can both bite me from here to the nearest frozen lake. As we watch them thoughtfully fondle each other in their swimsuits during what looks like a modeling shoot for Coppertone, she explains that they don't get to hang out together a lot. Therefore, the race will let them "get to know each other," as he puts it. Oh, yeah. It's a test of looooove. And I think we all know by now that when tested on reality television, love more often than not gets the paper back with a lot of red marks on it. But at least they're cute, even though I think her jacket is made from potholders and he has that tall, crunchy hair like Brennan.

Lena and Kristy are sisters. Oh, and models. And they're from Salt Lake City, so presumably, they model only high-necked nightgowns. (Oh, hold your infuriated emails. I'm not judging. I grew up Quaker; we only wear black and white.) (Oh, now you pipe down, Quakers! I'm just kidding! Besides, isn't the whole thing about being quiet? Just kidding again!) Anyway, Kristy explains that she and Lena were raised as conservative Mormons, and she still is one, but Lena...whatever, drinks margaritas and has gay friends and only wants one husband and is going to hell, or something. (Yes, I'm getting all my Mormon stereotype jokes out in one paragraph so you never have to hear them again.) (I think it's awesome that they like jazz, though, which I learned from the religious scholars at the NBA.) Lena waggles her head while telling us that she is "the party, get loose, get crazy girl," which I find hilarious, because as she says this, we see her engaging in the wild and slutty behavior of riding a bicycle. Of course, she is wearing pants. (Okay, done!)

Lori and Bolo are married and they're pro rasslers. Yeah, say it like that, people -- "rasslers." His facial hair is secretly a map to the lost city of Atlantis. As they do their first interview, it is difficult not to feel that the room is dominated by Lori's enormous boobs, even though she's saying something something something about how she's "a bitch" and he's "an intimidator," and then we watch them rasslin' in a ring in their backyard. Damn, I have those relationships too, but only figuratively. "There's nobody gonna be able to compete with us," Bolo says. And then we watch them do pull-ups, which is interrupted by Bolo's voice-over in which he cites the power of their "swah-vay on the streets." Er, "swah-vay"? I'm not even sure whether that's supposed to be "suave," in which case it makes absolutely no sense, or whether it's supposed to be "savvy," in which case it is a truly wretched example of bad pronunciation, or whether it's some combination of both, as I (depressingly) suspect. Maybe he thinks "Rico Suave" was just a song about a guy who knew where to find all the good airline tickets. ["Itwasn't?" -- Sars]

Don and Mary Jean are married grandparents, and they appear to even like each other, so that's a relief. You will be shocked to hear that Mary Jean expects to be underestimated. Oh, and apparently, they have an antique car and cultivate some kind of climbing vines. Yeah, I don't know. Don says that they're in the best shape they've been in for the last 30 years, so they've been rocking the water aerobics.

Avi and Joe are the latest in the continuing saga of O Kevin and Drew, Where Have You Gone, And Might We Find You Again Someday?. They're best friends from Brooklyn (yay!), and Avi explains that they both have "big brains," but only the taller, lankier, less bespectacled Joe has a "big heart." Avi says he doesn't have that. Me neither, dude. Joe says that Avi is "fiercely competitive." And apparently, "you don't want anybody else in your corn-ah." Unless you're looking for someone nice, apparently, which fortunately for me, I rarely am.

Hayden and Aaron are "dating actors." No, no, they're actors dating each other. They're not both people who are dating actors. Although that would be funny. You could have, like, Cher's latest boyfriend and whomever Colin Farrell is currently sleeping with. That would be awesome. But anyway, Hayden tells us that it was a "whirlwind romance" between them, and Aaron confirms that he wanted to marry Hayden "from the first time [he] talked to her." Smart thinkin'! My favorite part of their interview is that at the very end, he says, "At the end of the day, I love her more than I loved her the day before, so," and Hayden gives this great little smile like, "Suck it, jealous bitches," which I kind of love her for.

Gus and Hera are father and daughter, and Hera says that they're both buttheads a lot. Or, no, actually, she says that they butt heads a lot. Sorry. Got confused there. There is some back and forth about how he treats her like a child, and she isn't a child, and she's going to make the decisions, no, he's going to make the decisions, blah blah blah controlling father independent child "we named the dog Indiana"-cakes.

Jonathan and Victoria. They're described as "married entrepreneurs," which LTG immediately called out as a guise to cover the fact that they make porn. It's certainly a guise of some sort, because that really isn't a job. It's like "consultant." You might be doing something worthwhile, but more likely you are in your underwear during most of your business phone calls. Anyway, Jonathan interviews that he's not only an entrepreneur, he's also "a dictator," which would be a lot more convincing if he weren't so...twerpy. He tells us how he knows everything, and he'll be making sure she understands he knows everything, and...it's not that I don't find him offensive or abusive or whatever, but I'm going to tell you right now: I have a hell of a hard time taking him seriously, as a villain or anything else. I'm pretty sure I could flatten him with one punch, and as I've already mentioned, I was raised by pacifists. Anyway, he has curly dark hair, and Victoria is another model-ish blonde. And their dog -- whom they kiss on the mouth -- is cuter than both of them put together. In an interview, she says that she makes an effort not to "step in his way," which is surprisingly inarticulate for something that's part of a fairly short sentence she should have been able to wrangle successfully. Anyway, she says he's "like a speeding train," and says she doesn't really want to get run over. Or whatever. It appears that the sport of the season will be taking bets on how in the hell these people ever came to get married in the first place.

Freddy and Kendra are engaged. And would you like to know what they do? Oh, they're models. I know! It's a coincidence of multiple-Steve proportions that there would be so many models in one season! Freddy tells us he's ten years older than Kendra is. Look, they ride a motorcycle! He tells us that he's ready to start a family, and she says that he seems to think she'll want to have kids after the race is over, but she's not so sure. Well, certainly sounds like they've thought the whole "being engaged" thing through pretty well. Oh, and in her interview, she's wearing a purple bandana on her head, of which I do not approve. (I don't approve of the bandana, not of her head. Although...we'll see.)

Meredith and Maria are best friends and roommates from Queens, and they've got the same long, wavy, perm-look hair. Meredith says that they're "two funny girls." In fact, Maria does a kick at the camera just to prove how wacky they are. Wacky! Maria adds that they're both "friendly" and "charming." And humble.

Dear Everyone Whose Hair Or Hats I Have Ever Made Fun Of: I Apologize. Sincerely, Miss Alli. Because the team up is Adam and Rebecca, and if you have ever seen anything more moronic than Adam's hair, you are a more well-traveled person than I am. I swear to God that what I am about to tell you is the truth: Adam wears, in the very front of his hair, right at the top of his forehead, two tiny hair horns. They're teeny teeny little ponytails, about an inch long, and about the width of pencils. I cannot even describe the sheer idiocy of this look, except to say that if he thinks it doesn't make him look like Pebbles Flintstone, he's utterly deluding himself. The real challenge is trying to figure out what could have possibly made him think of that in the first place. It's unclear to me how a guy can possibly sit down and say to himself, "You know what guys just don't take enough advantage of? Tufts." Anyway, he and Rebecca are ex-lovers who are, as Phil says, "trying to rekindle their relationship." Gee, let me think about whether I can think of anything he could do to make her more attracted to him and facilitate the rekindling. Nah, nothing comes to mind. I'll get back to you if I come up with anything. Adam explains in an interview that they met at the gym where he works, but I am totally not paying attention, because he is El Hornio, and he has come for your soul. As they work out, she voices over that they broke up because of "lack of communication." Apparently, it was not because El Hornio kept stealing her banded elastics, although I bet that was a bitch, too.

Phil wonders aloud whether they can all stand up to the stress, and wonders, as usual, about the mix of "brains, brawn, and teamwork" that will win the race for someone. These are the questions. What are the answers? And you're not allowed to say, "None of the above."

Now, Phil addresses the teams, explaining the basic rules, which I will assume you all kind of know -- tasks, money, not having to pay for plane tickets. Eight elimination points, and...oh, wait. Jonathan is jumping up and down. All must take note! He will not be ignored, even while Phil is giving the boilerplate! What's more, Victoria is kind of vibrating vertically, as if it would be wrong to contradict him by failing to bounce, as this would somehow reflect a belief that bouncing is unnecessary or stupid, and she certainly would never imply that. Oh, and Kris crosses herself. Please, let's not go through that again. Phil says that the first clue is waiting in the envelope with their luggage. When he gives the word, they're to run to their bags, then run into downtown to catch the train to the airport. Has he mentioned that if you win the whole thing, you'll get a million dollars? "The world is waiting for you. Good luck. Travel safe. Go!" Yay, yay!

They all run to their bags and grab clues. The clue tells them to fly to Iceland, which makes Jonathan yell, "Yeah, baby!" at the top of his lungs. He's already dead to me, like, six times over. How did he do that? They're offered a choice between one United flight and two American. And guess what -- the clue says all the flights leave from O'Hare. You don't think the race has gotten easier? You bet your ass it's gotten easier. The cash outlay for this leg is $175.28. Do they really get change? Including pennies? Because...awesome. Hey, you never know when you might need three cents. You could buy every thought Jonathan has had since he was born, and still have enough for a two-cent stamp. Everyone seems happy about Iceland as the first few teams take off running toward downtown. "That's where my favorite band is from," says (I believe) Lena. So...the Sugarcubes? Or does she consider Bjork a band? As they run, Adam asks Rebecca if it's cold in Iceland. "No, it's cold in Greenland!" she says. "It's warm in Iceland!" Because as we all know, it can only be cold in one place at a time. "The game's afoot, let's go!" Gus calls out. Don and Mary Jean are already lagging, which is kind of too bad. Teams run toward downtown.

Credits. Girls in bikinis spraying each other with water? Is this really going to be that show? I think not. [BOMP.]

Immediately, we are right back to Chicago, where the teams are making their way toward the El. Freddy urges Kendra to hurry up, and she wants to know what kind of a train they're looking for. Apparently, she has not seen While You Were Sleeping. Hayden and Aaron tell Gus and Hera, who are running with them, that they want the blue line. Apparently, Aaron lived in Chicago last year. Kristy and Lena poke their heads into a cab and ask the driver how to get to the train to go to "O'Hara." Wow. They really are not so much with the traveling experience. Meanwhile, Lori and Bolo ask for directions from a guy who probably is afraid of them. He's saying, "Go down this street," but he's thinking, "Go away, giant sexy wrestlers!" And as they run for the train station, Bolo actually tells Lori his legs are cramping. Before the first plane? Before the train to the first plane? Good Lord. He does assure us that he's "used to pain." It's a good thing, if he's in this condition five minutes into the opening jog. Elsewhere, Rebecca and El Hornio make it to a train station and pass through the turnstile. Jonathan and Victoria are already arguing, as he commands her to stay with him. In an interview, Jonathan, wearing a print shirt from the Bachelor Pad Bathroom Wallpaper Collection, informs us that he is "very passionate." It might seem like he's "explosive," but it's just "passion." "There's something behind it all the time," he says earnestly. Wait, I know! Sexual inadequacy? Just a gueee-eess! He snaps at Victoria when they find the train that he told her he knew where the blue line was and so on. They descend into a train station and go through. And there, they run into El Hornio and Rebecca, soon joined by Freddy and Kendra. Fast approaching are Hayden and Aaron, Gus and Hera, Avi and Joe, and Kris and Jon. Oh, and Lori and Bolo. All of these teams make it onto the first train out of the station. For those of you keeping score at home, that leaves the old people and the chick teams. SIGH.

Elsewhere, Don and Mary Jean and Meredith and Maria seem to have found their way to a different train station, and they have a little trouble locating the blue line at first. There's a purple line? Golly. But the friendly locals come through as usual, and it sorts itself out. "We might not be the most in shape, but we're on the right frickin' train!" one of the girls calls out. Heh. Still elsewhere, Lena and Kristy are looking for the blue line. They manage to make it onto the same train as the other two teams.

On the lead train, there is a round of introductions, and Victoria says that they've nicknamed El Hornio "Hellboy." Even if I thought that were clever, which I don't, I would eschew it because it comes from them. Jonathan asks El Hornio what the significance of the horns is, and El Hornio says, "I'm weird." And then in an interview, El Hornio assures us that he doesn't care what people think. Which is hilarious, because anything that has no significance except that it makes people think you're "weird" is essentially a desperate plea for attention, and desperate pleas for attention indicate that you care intensely what other people think. Oh, poor deluded El Hornio. Moreover, he tells us that he's "eccentric," and again, when that's a word you're applying to yourself, it's not a quality so much as an affectation. I also feel obligated to report that El Hornio pinged the gaydar of practically everyone I know, so you can take that for whatever it's worth. Anyway, he says that he's been this way his whole life, so maybe that's the explanation -- his parents put a little ponytail in his hair when he was young because they forgot he wasn't a girl, and he just liked it and stuck with it.

On the lead train, Gus proposes an alliance, apparently never having seen the show and thus being unaware that alliances on this show do not work -- and they are active impediments if they're any bigger than two teams. It's not clear exactly how large he wants this group to be, but it appears that he wants to include at least Avi and Joe and Hayden and Aaron. This is where Gus explains to us that he worked -- or works -- for the CIA. So he calls himself a "control nut," and insists that they'll dominate the game. Oh, Gus. He even thinks their alliance can "wreak havoc and destruction." Yeah. Doesn't know the show. Not only that, but he thinks you can get people together and target specific teams to take out. "The first team we gotta be gunnin' for is yellow shirt," he says, as we get a nice cut directly to Jonathan, looking right at the camera and raising his hands over his head in a victory holler. "He is a pain in the ass," says Gus, and boy, oh boy, do I hear that, but it's not Survivor, and wasting energy plotting against other teams is a painfully bad strategy. Although it's not that I don't admire the goal, because with Jonathan, I would encourage voodoo, prayer, and large-denomination bills slipped under Phil's door at night if I thought it would effectively get rid of him.

As Jonathan and Victoria make their way through the train, she pauses and says, "I can't do this." Referring to, apparently...getting through the door? Yeah, I don't know. They continue through the cars until Jonathan finds a guy on the with a cell phone, whom Jonathan asks to check on the three flights and see which one gets to Iceland first. And then, in an interview, Jonathan says, apparently earnestly, that he thinks of himself as "a mental magician." Good golly. Some contestants give you openings so rich they become like Mad Libs, where you can pretty much write your own jokes. Here's one: "Yeah, he's a mental magician. He's already made [noun] disappear." (I'm going with "my will to live," although I think "his wife's libido" would also be good.) He goes on: "My foresight is just so powerful, I have a way of going into a situation and seeing what needs to be done." This is also the first really good shot of the blue hair at the nape of his neck. Not sure what that's about, but about the last two inches of his hair are...blue. So there you go. Maybe he dyed it through telekinesis, or because he went to the hair salon and his mojo told him it needed to be done.

Shockingly, Jonathan is not only the mental magician who has come up with this tricky cell-phone-borrowing plan. Jon -- Kris's Jon, not Jonathan -- is making the same calls. He's actually borrowed the phone from a guy in a neck brace, so I hope some plaintiff's attorney isn't getting a busy signal. up is Hera, borrowing a cell phone in a sort of "There's a camera on us, don't you feel like a dork?" kind of tone. They all discover that the American Airlines flights connect in Boston and Baltimore, while the United flight connects through Minneapolis. (Shout-out!) "Minneapolis?" Gus asks. "That don't sound like a very good flight." Hey, shut up! Uh...takes one to know one! Jonathan is on the phone now, too, and when Victoria suggests that he find out what the weather is like in Minneapolis in case there's a delay, he snaps that he can't listen to her and the person on the phone at the same time. Apparently, his magical powers don't include multitasking. It's not like he said he was a mental juggler. That's a totally different part of the brain circus. Elsewhere, a guy tells Kris and Jon that a hurricane is headed for the east coast this afternoon, and if the flight from Minneapolis goes right to Iceland, that might well be the way to go. Jonathan is learning the same thing on the phone -- ironically, the message is, "Go to Minneapolis, because of the weather." I will admit that we don't exactly put that on the tourist brochures. "Minneapolis isn't known for its nonstop flights," Gus grouses. Snob! I mean, really, you don't need it to be known for its nonstop flights, because you're not guessing. If the clue says there's a flight? There probably is one. Apparently on the strength of geographical discrimination alone, the MSP-hating Misguided Alliance decides to go for American.

At O'Hare, planes are scurrying around. Or so it appears from the fast-action camera work. Phil reviews for us that there are two American flights and one on United. "Seating is limited" on the flights, but all three make connections -- American in Boston and Baltimore, United in Minneapolis. (And the Minneapolis airport, for the record, isn't in Minneapolis, but...that's all right.) And their scheduled landings in Iceland are within five minutes of each other. Huh? So they set it up so that which flight you take makes absolutely no difference? That seems like kind of slack-ass leg planning. Anyway, at O'Hare, the first batch of teams gets off the train. Everybody but chicks and oldsters, into the airport! Freddy assures us in a voice-over that he and Kendra know "the nuances of airports," because they're models and travel a lot. I'll maybe buy that models do a lot of traveling, but "nuances of airports"? Like what? How not to fall off the moving sidewalk? Whatever. He's pretty. The editors don't think so much of the "nuances" theory either, because they move directly to Freddy and Kendra going up to ask about flights to Iceland at the Air Canada counter. "I don't know how to help you, sir...we fly to Canada," the ticket agent says. "What?" Freddy asks in frustration. Okay, so they don't know the really subtle nuances, like how Air Canada goes to Canada, but still.

Fourth to the falls are Bolo and Lori, who peel out of their SUV and run. It turns out that there is a bit of a climb to the flag, and it's kind of taking it out of Gus, who looks like he might drop at any time. Oh, boy. And it's so early. The first team to the flag, unsurprisingly, is Hayden and Aaron. The rest of the clump follows closely. When this group clears the falls, they rip their clues. The clue says to drive themselves to the largest glacier in Europe, which is called Vatnajokull. Dude. We can't get out of Iceland soon enough for my typing fingers, which are forced to treat a word like that as a collection of unrelated letters. Phil explains that this is a drive of more than 260 miles. When they get there, they'll sign up for a shuttle that will take them ten miles to the edge of the glacier, where there's a clue. Hayden and Aaron burn rubber out of the parking lot, as she admits that the hike to the falls "kicked [her] ass." She also asks him to please stay near her. In an interview Aaron admits that "she can be a bitch at times," and...well, who among us can't?

Meredith and Maria have figured out that they're off-track. They turn around.

Now, Gus and Hera leave the falls, followed by Lori and Bolo and Avi and Joe.

And now, intrigue. As Meredith and Maria head for the falls, they cross paths with Hayden and Aaron, who are leaving. Aaron makes a waving motion out the window as if the girls should follow him, so...they do. He speculates that the girls might follow them all the way to the damn glacier. "Honey, that's mean," Hayden points out. Really, although I really don't want to see the show go in this direction as a general matter, I also don't feel very sorry for people who don't navigate for themselves. There was a time when following was sort of considered an inherently dishonorable or embarrassing move, and you kind of had to suck down your pride if you felt like you absolutely had to do it. Now? Nobody even blinks. I think that's unfortunate. Aaron cackles in the SUV, which is probably overkill, but...whatever.

Hornio is being closely followed by Kris and Jon, as Rebecca tells El Hornio not to let them pass. Kris and Jon do, however, make the move to pass, which Jon tells Kris is his way of showing off "a bold move." It's like a mating dance, only with driving. Kris giggles about how El Hornio makes a face as he gets smoked. Meanwhile, El Hornio calmly informs Rebecca that he's going to ram Kris and Jon's car. "Stop irritating me! Why are you irritating me?" Rebecca whiny-cheerleaders as they drive along. These two teams arrive at the waterfall at last, apparently not quite friends yet. They get to the clue box, clear out, and rip the clue.