If You're Gonna Whine, Just Shut Up!

Previously on Dubai, Dubai Love: Colin decided to expand his horizons, adding "clashes with local law enforcement" to his vast array of mind-broadening cultural experiences in Tanzania. He wanted a "different kind of relationship," and Christie unfortunately missed the golden opportunity to tell him that if he wants blind obedience, he might consider the "kind of relationship" where the only thing the other party will ever expect from him is the faithful administering of heartworm medication. Nicole got snippy about the way Brandon handled the money, while Chip showed a little too much generosity to one taxi driver and wound up having to request mercy from another. Colin and Christie finished first again, and bringing up the rear? Oh, yeah. It was the Twinkies, who learned that while they wouldn't be eliminated, they would have their money Philched from their adorably inept little pockets, and would be forced to perform various feats of mercenary Twinkery in order to make it out of the leg with their frequently displayed sports bras intact. Otherwise? It's UNDERSHIRTS for you, ladies! White, unisex UNDERSHIRTS! Will the Twinkies stay in it? And who will be eliminated...?

Credits. Dear Bob and Joyce: That amount of protective gear is not flattering on anyone. Rollerblading or not. I know your doctor cares about your kneecaps and stuff, but I'm looking out for the aesthetics. You can thank me later.

Commercials. Oh, it's another men versus women season of Survivor? How great. If they find a way to bring back Rupert yet again, it really will be a season specifically designed to throw me into a deep depression from which it will take me months to recover.

We gently but insistently boogie our way back into Dubai, which Phil reminds us is "one of the most prosperous cities in the Arab world." And hey, look at that pretty and interesting hotel...um, again! There are a lot of pretty things in Dubai, but...did you get a load of that hotel? Parabolic! And outside the city, there is an oasis, which was the most recent pit stop. We are sadly deprived of eat-sleep-mingle footage in favor of another "This One Goes Out To All The Dumb-Asses" explanation of the fact that the Twinkies had to give up all their money at the end of the last leg, and will get no money for this leg. Remember? My favorite part is that one of the girls has a change purse with a giant "K" on it that she's using to carry money. They use monogrammed gear, you see, to help them keep track of whose stuff is whose. Wily! Phil wonders aloud whether they will beat this obstacle, or whether it will beat them. I think they should ask both the obstacle and the Twinkies to answer a series of elementary math and science questions. That might give you an idea of who has the edge. Not to make any predictions, but...I hear the obstacle can add three-digit numbers.

10:51 PM. Colin and Christie, leaving first...again. They do just seem determined to win leg after leg after leg. The difference between this race and the Tour de France: No drafting. And also, the U.S. Postal Service doesn't have a team in the race, although I'm beginning to think its disgruntled subsidiary may be sponsoring Colin. Anyway, they rip open the clue, and it tells them to drive 35 miles to Wild Wadi in Dubai. What's a Wild Wadi? I'm glad you asked. Phil explains that this is the largest water park in the world -- outside of the United States. Because apparently, in addition to imperialism, we are also big in log flumes. At the park, they'll find another clue. Feh. I hate it when they go to amusement parks and that sort of tourist-trap silliness. Why would you go all the way to Dubai and then spend your time testing it out to see if it's as good as the Wisconsin Dells?

Anyway, they climb into a red and yellow SUV that looks like it just came from either the set of Baywatch or another night in the crazy hunt for the fugitive Hamburglar. What is Colin wearing? Is he wearing...shorts and tights? I'm sure he's not. As they drive, Christie somewhat gratuitously calls out, "Watch out for camels!" "Baby...enough," Colin says, and honestly, as much of a prick as he is, I feel for him. Navigating is one thing; constant advice is something else, and Christie is not great at finding the line. Not that he's good at it when the situation is reversed, either -- don't get me wrong. And also, "Watch for camels"? Anyway, Christie voices over that Colin has a weakness for "losing his temper," and she adds that when he gets frustrated, they screw up more. I don't know if she's paying attention, but he's frustrated and impatient and pissed off all the time, and they're winning every leg. I find her thesis facially invalid. Dismissed! She should have just said it makes her want to break her foot off in his ass, because no one could have argued with that. Personally, I think he's just pissed off because the longer the race goes on, the more he appears to have David Cassidy's hair. Anyway, they stop off somewhere to ask for directions, and because nothing bad has happened yet, Colin appears to be marginally pleasant to the guy they ask.

At 11:27 PM, Brandon and Nicole take off. Brandon voices over that "things are good" with him and Nikki -- they bicker, but they're "in love" and they're happy. In the McSUV, she has an observation. "They have those church things everywhere, don't they?" "What church things?" Brandon asks. "What is it called, a mosque or something? They're on every corner. It's like Starbucks here." Heh. You know, when I heard her say that, I just groaned, because I knew how much people were going to hate it, but...I kind of sympathized, because I don't think she's saying that mosques are of the same significance as Starbucks. I think she's just saying that they're as ubiquitous as Starbucks. And yeah, "church things" was dippy, but her "mosques or something" line sounded like the kind of hedge I do when I know a word, but I'm not positive that I'm pronouncing it right. I think she knows the word, she just wasn't sure she was saying it right. I'm not saying she's not sheltered, but I don't think she meant that to be dismissive. In fact, considering how seriously she takes her own faith, I think it's quite telling that she recognized them as the equivalent of churches. You know, before she...likened them to Starbucks.

At 11:41 PM, Chip and Kim pull the Wild Wadi clue. Kim interviews that the race has been "the honeymoon that [they] never had," and Chip calls it an "opportunity of a lifetime to see the world." There you go, Chip. He says he's "just loving this." Hey, guys, enough with the happy observations about your adventure...why are you washing the car? This is no time for neatness!

11:42 PM. Linda and Karen. They leave, with Chip and Kim noting that the Moms are indeed right behind them. That's what happens when you stop to use the squeegee, Chip. Karen now interviews that the other teams don't see them as a threat because they see them as "average moms." I suspect other teams don't see them as a threat because they kind of aren't that good at getting places particularly fast, but we'll go with her explanation. In the car, she says she expects to "surprise" the rest of the teams. I don't want to step on any ideas she might have about surprising other teams, but I just want to say...Colin, an air horn, and a bucket of water. She can take it from there.

Brandon flags down a couple of guys walking down the highway and asks them how to get to Dubai. They point him in the right direction, and when he's back in the car, he comments on the "blind faith" he's putting in them. Yep. Sometimes you put it in God, and sometimes you put it in two random guys walking down the middle of the road in the dark. You flesh that out, Brandon, and you've got a Bob Dylan song.

Colin and Christie arrive at the water park. Unsurprisingly, when they get up to the entrance, the hours of operation are 8:00 AM to 6:00 PM, so there won't be any late-night skinny dipping going on. More surprisingly, there seems to be a big comfortable tent for them to sleep in, which...I swear, this thing gets cushier every season. Can they not sleep on the ground like people did in the olden days? What's , an order-in masseuse while you wait? Wimps. And...again, Colin's legs are either really dirty or really sooty or...or they're incredibly hairy, which is a little too much for me to think about without large quantities of tequila handy.

12:14, just past midnight at the oasis. The Twinkies rip open their clue as their new Porntastic Theme From Inept Attempts To Be Sexy plays on the soundtrack. They note that four teams have $55, and they have nothing. Oh, come on. They got skunked on a leg where all you need is $55? Yawn. Karli interviews that they expect the leg to be "extremely difficult" due to the lack of money. [Music: "Bow-chicka-neeer-neeer."] They pull up on the road to a couple of guys and ask for the exit to get to Dubai. As KamiKarli asks for directions, KarliKami mutters, "Don't take off; I'm going to ask for money." And again, we get the voice-over about how they're going to "manipulate people." Is begging manipulative? Or is it just begging? Anyway, from the back seat, one of them tells the guys she'll sing for money. I never understand that. Just because you don't want to do it doesn't mean other people will pay you to do it. She also offers to "massage [their] shoulders." Is that manipulative? Isn't the offer fairly straightforward? I'm getting a headache. Anyway, one Twinkie voices over that they'll be using "whatever sexual gifts God gave us," and as she does, the Amazing Editors throw in a brilliantly funny shot of one of them, her face looking substantially more horsey than usual, making a dorky Oh Baby Don't You Want To Give Me Money When I Flash My Sexual Gifts face. I mean, I'm not really the target audience for their sexual gifts and am therefore not well situated to judge them, but I certainly wouldn't put them on any list of great hotties. (I don't think I've been able to look at them the same way since one of the forum posters pointed out how much they look like John Lithgow.) Anyway, as a Twinkie leans into the car to hug the guy and thank him for whatever money he did apparently give her, he literally recoils and pushes her away. Yeah. They don't want a hug, dear. I don't even like the hugging of strangers in return for minor courtesies when it happens here, and we're an annoyingly huggy society, I find. You probably don't want to try to export that.

Chip and Kim pull into the water park. They note the operating hours, and then head into the tent, where shirtless Colin and tank-top Christie are already snuggled into bed. Before this whole thing can turn into a Cinemax movie, Colin -- wearing a little pendant, just like Dawson Leery -- interviews that he really digs Chip and Kim, and he feels like he can trust them. Wait, maybe it still is going to turn into a Cinemax movie! "We can help each other get into the top three," Colin says. Oh, okay, maybe not, with the porn. I mean, it's close, with the "get into" and the "top" and stuff, but it really doesn't hang together. Hey, but "Hang together" would fit. Wait, where was I?

Oh, right. Cut to Chip and Kim. "Chip and I want Colin and Christie to self-destruct," Kim says calmly. Snerk. The teams have a friendly chat in the tent, in which Chip claims to have driven quickly because he "used to be a wheel man for the mob." He does this complete with "wheel man for the mob" hand gestures, which is pretty amusing. Kim assures Colin and Christie that Chip was no wheel man, and that they, in fact, got lost on the way there. Chip interviews that he and Kim want Colin and Christie to underestimate them, and that they're looking to get him pumped up and showing off for everyone including his girlfriend, thinking that might get him to screw up. It's an interesting theory. I don't know about its soundness, but it's inventive. Also, it fits with Chip and Kim's tendency to occasionally do knuckleheaded things, so if the "underestimate" fits, I suppose you wear it with all the flair you can.

"Karli!" Kami says from the back of the Twinkiemobile, "We're completely lost!" Now there's a shocker. They flag down a guy, and the Ineptly Sexy Theme bocka-wockas as they go up to talk to him. He's actually pretty cute, which is kind of sad and unfair. They ask about Wild Wadi, and he offers to lead them. One of them also compliments him on his "nice accent." Wow, creative. I never would have thought of that piece of witty repartee. They interview that they "turn[ed] on their charm." Wait, do they have charm? Where have they been keeping it? Maybe it's somewhere in a little change purse marked "K," which is why they can't find it. The guy gives them twenty bucks, and then they give him a big hug. While he's hugging them, he looks right at the camera and conspiratorially says, "Twins!" Which is much funnier than it should be. And kind of awesome, because he's directing it at us, not at them. I have news for you, Twinkies -- he's not laughing with you, he's laughing over your shoulders. Anyway, they admire his nice car as they follow him along the highway. I say they give that guy his own show.

Linda and Karen arrive at Wild Wadi, and as they're getting out, they run into an arriving Brandon and Nikki, who lost about fifteen minutes being lost, it would appear. "Golly," Brandon says (or more precisely, "goll-lee"), "We got beat by a couple of people." The Twinkies arrive shortly thereafter and hug the hot Fern of the day goodbye. "We're good to go -- money-wise," one of them says as they enter the sleep tent. That was a great mid-course correction in that sentence. She's not claiming they're competent, after all; they're just not broke.

The moon. Time is passing. Is this the little girl I carried? Is this the little boy at play?... I'm sorry, I was temporarily lost in the little theme of the passage of time, as demonstrated by...the moon.

In the morning, peppy music accompanies the teams as they congregate near the park entrance. Colin is wearing the do-rag that universally represents that special attitude -- that "I Am Intense! Look At Me! INTENSE!" thing he has going. The doors open, and the teams run in -- not in last night's arriving order, notably, because Chip is in the front. He initially goes by the clue box, however, and the first to get to it is Nicole, who grabs the little number "1" on the box. After Brandon and Nikki are Chip and Kim, Linda and Karen, Colin and Christie, and the Twinkies -- who manage to come in last every time, no matter what. Once they all have numbers, the teams read a clue that Phil explains will send them to the top of a high tower called the Jumeirah Sceirah that leads to a long water slide. They'll head down the slide, and then get another clue at the bottom.

The teams make their way to the top of the slide. Brandon hoots for Nikki as she heads down the slide. "Big B!" Chip chants as Brandon gets ready to go. And Brandon, of course, yells all the way down. Oh, yeah. He's definitely the boyfriend. They open the clue at the bottom, which will send them 2100 miles to Calcutta. There, they'll find a monument called Sahid Minar, and another clue. Oh, zoiks. India. India, India -- the leg that always begins to separate the Merely Fatigued from the Really Most Sincerely Fatigued.

I think that as Kim is getting ready for the water slide, Chip says something to her like, "Go Shaggy-Doo!" Or possibly "Shaky-Doo." Whichever it is, he gives the best pet names ever. I have decided that if we knew each other, he would call me "Catty-Bird." No, I don't have a reason, really, but is there a reason for "Shaggy-Doo" or "Booby Cooper"? Anyway, he follows Kim, "Yeah-yeah-yeah"ing the whole time. They grab the Calcutta clue and head out, slightly behind Brandon and Nicole. Speaking of whom, Brandon says, "Let's get a cab," but Nicole corrects him that the clue says to drive themselves to the airport. So they hop back into the McSUV and head out.

Chip and Kim? Not so much. "Taxi!" they yell as they leave the water park. In the SUV, Brandon wonders aloud whether any of the teams will fail to read the clue and just get cabs, considering that he almost did. Cut to...Chip and Kim, getting into their cab. Nooooo!

Linda and Karen finish up the water slide. As Linda enthusiastically calls out to Karen, "Are you coming?," and Karen hurries along, we slide over to a shot of their Amazing Purse, sitting to a sign that says, "Contestant Bag Drop Only." So that answers one question about what they do with their bags during tasks, at least sometimes. Yeah, the bag? She is dropped but good. Moreover, Karen tells Linda to get a cab, but Karen, like Nicole, takes note of the directions at the last minute and notes that they say to drive yourself to the airport. Getting one thing right and one thing quite wrong, they pile into their vehicle and take off without the Amazing Purse.

Colin and Christie conquer the water slide, and they head out in their SUV. The Twinkies do the same. Oh, and they're "Currently in Last Place." I know you are surprised. How can this be?

We watch all the teams working their way to the airport in their cars -- well, except Chip and Kim, who are in their cab. As Kim peruses all of their documentation -- I predict she's reading the fine print about where to park the McSUV at the airport, which is what causes her to figure it out -- she realizes that they're supposed to drive themselves to the airport. She urgently tells the cab driver to go back.

In other news of disaster, Karen starts to look around the back seat for the Amazing Purse and doesn't see it. "Linda, do you have the bag?" she asks. "No," Linda says. Wow, I certainly hope they have somebody who's specifically in charge of always knowing where the bag is, because this is not something you want to see happen. We cut back to the bag, still waiting by the bag drop sign, as the Moms realize that they're going to have to...go back. "It's got our passports in it," Karen says. "Noooo," Linda whines, putting her hand to her head in a great prophetic glimpse of whining to come. They turn back.

Brandon and Nicole are approaching the airport, while Colin and Christie are already there. Inside, Colin asks about the fastest way to Calcutta. He learns that there are no Dubai-Calcutta direct flights (which sort of surprises me), and that the only way to get there is to fly through Mumbai. As Brandon and Nicole enter the airport, Colin learns that the first connection out of Mumbai is on Jet Airways, and it will arrive in Calcutta at 9:30 AM. into the airport, surprisingly enough, are the Twinkies -- benefiting from the fact that not one but two teams previously ahead of them had to turn back. You know, if every team in front of them could get, like, eaten by bears, they would totally win.

Back at Wild Wadi, Karen runs out with the Amazing Purse, as Linda calls a taxi driver over to ask how to get to the airport. "I go there, come," he says. Notice that he didn't really say he was going there anyway. He could just as easily have been saying, "I'll go there, and you follow." It's just not clear. "Okay, we follow you!" Linda hollers. She needs a volume knob surgically implanted, stat.

Again at Wild Wadi, Chip and Kim bail out of the cab and jump back into the McSUV, realizing that they have made a large mistake. Or, as Chip calls it while he's driving to the airport, a "major faux pas." "Just get me to the airport," Kim says. I am distressed by their persistent failure to read the clues. I love them, but they are not big readers.

Linda and Karen get to the airport, and Linda goes over to give a "tip" to the cabbie they followed. He tracks her back over to the McSUV, and tells her that the tip won't do -- his meter says 41 dinar. Of course, Linda takes this to mean "41 dollars," for some reason. She says, "No, no, no." "Come see my meter!" he says to her. "We don't have 41 dollars," she says sharply. In an interview, she says disbelievingly that the cab driver expected to be paid his fare, rather than the five-dollar tip (ack) she offered. Trying to exit the situation without paying any more money, Linda and Karen just head inside the airport, not having learned anything about unpaid cab drivers from Colin's escapade last week. Sure enough, thing you know, the cab driver is pointing Linda out to a security guard, who heads over. As the Moms wait in line, Karen says she just wants to get out of there, and Linda says, "The taxi guy's scary." Now, I ask you, what about the taxi guy has been "scary" so far, other than that he believes he's owed his fare and isn't letting them leave without paying it? There hasn't been any screaming, threatening, haranguing...and it's not like he's some huge, threatening dude, either. He's a little balding guy. I'm not crazy about that characterization. At any rate, he comes over, says "Excuse me" (wow, SCARY!), and hands Linda her five bucks back. She tries to tell him to keep it (heh), but he's like, "Yeah, no, METER, lady." She insists that he told her he was going to the airport "anyway" (nope), so they just followed him. Linda is now invited to a private conversation with the taxi guy and the guard. Which is not a private conversation she particularly wants to have.

Linda explains her position, which is that she thought the guy was just going to the airport anyway, and that they weren't expecting to pay full fare, or they wouldn't have followed. Of course, she is basing this on the assumption that he wants 40 dollars, despite the fact that he keeps saying 40 dinar. The security guard asks Linda to come to an office, and she knows she doesn't want to do that, as she explains in a voice-over. Back in line, Karen worries about Linda and hopes she'll be all right. Maybe if she yells more, that will help.

Commercials. Boy, Josh Hartnett fell off the damn globe there for a while, didn't he?

Back at Dubai airport, Linda complains to the guard that when she gave him five bucks, the driver insisted that she owed him "45 million dollars." Because you know what's a good technique to use on an irritated security guard? Sarcastic hyperbole. When the cab driver repeats that it's 41 dinar, Karen apparently wanders over and finally -- finally -- asks how much it is in dollars. It turns out that the answer is 15. Linda's like, "Oh." As Linda explains, at this point, they gave him $15 and walked away. Well, that certainly was a lot of unnecessary stress, wasn't it? It's always good to keep in mind that dollars are not the default currency around the world. When in doubt, convert. (Well, unless you're hanging with Scientologists. Just kidding! Please don't sue me, or come to my house! I'm just funnin' with you, John Travolta!)

Brandon and Nicole will not be using the Yield. They also elect against the Fast Forward, similarly figuring that everyone will go for it. When Linda and Karen arrive, they don't Yield anyone either, so there goes that possibility for the week. Thanks for the lesson in Remedial Yield, though. Reeeeally appreciate it. The Moms look at the Fast Forward, but, sure that someone else already took it, they don't try it. The Twinkies show up, and they, too, blow by the Yield and bag on the Fast Forward. Pfft. Bunch of sheep.

And here we are at the Globe Brick Factory. Where the first team is...Colin and Christie. I think they need a graphic that says "Currently in 1st Place (Duh)." They open the clue, which is the week's Roadblock. As Phil explains, the Roadblock requires the person to use a traditional mold to make twenty mud bricks. It looks easy, but if you don't mold the bricks exactly right, they won't turn out. And the factory owner has to approve each of your bricks, so you'd better be nice to him, Colin. "Who's ready to get down and dirty?" Colin reads, and says, "I'll do it, baby." Well, of course. He's the boy. As they walk out into the factory, where guys are making bricks under what looks like a pretty hot sun, Christie notes that Colin should watch the guys who are making the bricks to see how it's done. To his credit, Colin does stop and watch for a minute, accompanied by Christie, who makes a comment about how they add sand to the mold so that the brick doesn't stick. That's about as much advice as it's probably smart to offer at this point, not that she takes note of that fact.

Chip and Kim pull up to the Roadblock, and unsurprisingly, Chip takes it. Colin and Christie are not so excited to see Chip and Kim. You can see from the beginning that Colin is off to a poor start with his bricks, because he starts adding the mud in little handfuls, whereas it's obvious that the brickmakers are doing it just like you make bread -- you form the loaf first, and then you fit it into the pan. You don't just throw handfuls of bread dough into a pan. Colin figures out pretty quickly that this "one big blob" approach is important, and he switches gears. Chip, however, manages to get a brick approved before Colin does, so that won't make Mr. Intensity very happy. Colin shakes a brick out of the mold, but it's not made right, and he doesn't seem to have sanded the mold, considering how he has to shake it to make it fall out. "Not okay," says the brick guy. Chip, on the other hand, has a second one turn out "Okay." Colin's one? Also not okay. Christie stands over him, saying, "You need to be...you need to pack it more, babe." Incredibly frustrated, he pounds his hands on the brick mold and yells, "I'm PACKIN' it!" And then he looks at her with this angry look that I really tried to find threatening but actually find kind of hilarious. Hulk make brick! Hulk trying Hulk's hardest! How Hulk make brick if Hulk's girlfriend keep nagging Hulk? Hulk hate nags! Man, I bet that Colin is great at parties. Get a lampshade on his head, and...whoooo-ee.

Making it onto the train, however, are Chip and Kim and Colin and Christie, who squeeze onto a very crowded car that is reminiscent of, but doesn't look quite as bad as, the trains last year that caused Tian and Jaree so much difficulty. Everyone is absolutely jam-packed into the car. "Kimmie, you okay?" Chip says. "Yeah," she answers. Now, the yellow captioning shows Christie saying, "That guy just grabbed me," but I do believe Christie's mouth says, "That guy just grabbed my ass." It's definitely "my [something]." At first I thought it was "tit," but that seems unlikely. (Not the grabbing, but her choice of that particular word.) Colin, unsurprisingly, says, "I'll bust that ass," but Christie puts her hand up, like, "Don't even." It's a shame, because he could have found a whole new way to get arrested which, while a bit archaic, would have had more merit than last time. Christie does not, fortunately, look traumatized, just kind of annoyed, and pretty much in charge of stomping errant feet for herself, which I appreciate. As I did when Jaree said, famously, "Don't grab my boob, dude, or I'll throw you off the train." The train leaves.

"Where do I go to get money?" Linda shrieks -- no, literally, shrieks -- at a bunch of locals. Karen asks her to please stop flashing all of their money around, which is probably good thinking. They wind up piling into a cab, presumably to go somewhere and get rupees.

Karli is still busy kibitzing Kami about the brickmaking. Frustrated and trying not to commit an act of violence, Kami stands up and says, "I'm gonna go watch him." "What a good idea," Karli says sarcastically. "Kami's watching the professional. I kind of remember saying that, but...." She shakes her head. Wow. Bitch. Kami unmolds her fourth successful brick. She seems to get a little more into the swing.

As Linda and Karen's taxi heads for the bank, they ask how far it is. The guy tells them it's in Calcutta. Heh. They're like, "NOOOOO!" and make him stop. Linda hops out and asks for -- no, she demands -- rupees from the driver. She winds up taking it in the pants on the exchange rate, but she gets enough rupees for the train. "Take me back!" she barks at the driver, who surely is quite fond of her by now. "Go, now!" She needs to chill, like, immediately. That is not in the cards, however, as she screeches, "Pleeeeease take me back!" Oy. "Oh my God, Linda, we are so screwed," Karen says.

Back at the brick factory, Kami finally finishes up, and they get a clue. In the literal sense only, obviously. Meanwhile, Brandon and Nicole are on their way to what he says has been billed as "a traditional Indian good-luck ritual," adding, "Who knows what could happen?" Indeed. At the Fast Forward, two good-luck barbers await. When Brandon and Nicole pull up, they head in and read the clue. "Oh my gosh," Brandon says. "You've got to be kidding me," says a dismayed Nicole. She looks seriously rough as the two of them survey the table of clippers and combs. "You want to go back to the bricks?" Brandon asks. "We know we're last," she despairs. It's interesting, because I've been noticing that up to this point, people haven't really looked as beaten-down this season as they sometimes have, but when you look at this scene, you'll get all the beaten-down you ever wanted. Just keep your eye on Nicole.

Commercials. Yes, yes, the key to fulfilling your dreams? Is Ikea.

Dum! Dum! Dum-dum! Nicole is still standing around looking miserable. "What do you want to do?" Brandon asks her. "No," she says, a little indignantly. "I'm not going to shave my head." As they walk out, Brandon voices over that this FF was, in their view, "a little over the top." Well, yes. But indeed, they know that this will put them firmly in last place, and they know that in all likelihood, this should be an elimination leg. And the last time I checked? Hair grew back. Nicole voices over about how they're both "in the modeling industry" ["and I don't want to be unkind, but with that schnozz of hers, I have to guess she's maybe a hand model" -- Wing Chun], and talks about how Brandon's hair is "what sells for him," so obviously, that's the reason not to do it. Which you would think would have caused her to mutter, "No, you're not going to shave your head." But anyway, as they get back in the cab to return to the bricks, Brandon says that he, too, was being selfless -- his hair "would grow back," but he "wouldn't let anybody cut Nikki's beautiful head of hair." ["It's really nothing special, and it is surely not a potential $500,000 worth of special." -- Wing Chun] You know...long and brown. That's what her hair is. It's long and brown. And if you cut it off, it would one day be long and brown again. Hair is really resilient. Just ask the people at Nair. It's the principle they bank on.

What pisses me off is that Nicole is seen crying in the taxi. You did this to yourself, sweetheart. In honor of your hair. I like her, for the most part, and I get how tired she is, but if she finds this so painful, she ought to get out of the fuckin' cab and let them shave her head. Otherwise, she's made the call, so she has nothing to cry about. She goes on to whimper that it was her decision to go for the FF, so it's all her fault and so forth. Brandon insists that it isn't her fault. Sad music plays, and she cries, and he comforts her, but I really don't feel that sorry for her. She just refused to shave her head for a chance at a million bucks or a substantially better runner-up prize, not to mention blowing one of the only shots she's ever going to have to look like a genuine bad-ass, so...I mean, boo hoo. Do it or don't do it, but don't make the soft call and then expect sympathy. Brandon asks if she wants him to pray for her. Now, I have nothing against people praying for you -- I've had some very nice experiences with people praying for me or for members of my family at critical times. But..."Want me to pray that you'll recover from choosing between a million dollars and your hair?" That's...I don't know. Anyway, he goes on to pray, "We just trust You, and You're ultimately going to get us to wherever You want us to be. In Jesus' name, amen." And Nicole says, "Amen." And Brandon gives her a kiss. And yes, I'm happy he prayed for guidance and not victory, but...still. IT'S YOUR HAIR. I also admit having had a really funny vision of God being all, "I can't believe she didn't shave her head. Doesn't she know this is probably an elimination leg?" Yes, I believe God watches The Amazing Race. And drinks margaritas, too. Made me in His image, you know.

Karen and Linda are returning to the train station, lamenting the trains that are leaving. The Twinkies are arriving there at just about the same time. Outside on the platform, Linda is back to griping about the money. "Dammit, I'm mad. I hate to be eliminated because I'm stupid." Karen now gives a rather surprising interview, in which she talks about how much Linda has been "whining" recently. "I just wanted her to be quiet," she says. "God, Karen, I can't believe," Linda whines on the platform, right on cue. "If you're gonna whine, just shut up!" Karen voices over, giving us a lovely episode title that honestly could have been said by almost anyone, if you think about it.

The Twinkies buy tickets while Linda and Karen are boarding; the Twinkies do not make the same train.

Elsewhere, Chip and Kim hop off the train at Sealdah Station, along with Colin and Christie. Colin climbs up on a bench to spot the clue box (hee hee, can't you just hear Mirna at home, being all, "YOU SHOULD KNOW, HE SITS ON A PHONE BOOK AT DINNER, TOO!"?), and they manage to find it. The clue is for this week's Detour, which offers a choice between Heavy But Short and Light But Long. I'm not making any dirty jokes, but I don't want you to think I couldn't. Phil takes over from the Exposition Hands and explains that in Heavy But Short, you travel ten miles or so to a place where a bunch of taxis -- without engines -- are parked. You have to move the taxi a half-mile, so without the ability to drive it, you'll presumably have to push it. And you have to pull it into an assigned parking space at the end, too, so that won't be too easy. In Light But Long, you travel to a flower market for a typical "crowded streets of this chaotic marketplace" task, in which they'll have to find a particular flower merchant, who will give them a garland that they have to drop into the Ganges River for good luck. My favorite part of that task preview, which I noticed as soon as I saw it, is that the red and yellow flag over the merchant's stall is made of flowers. Aw.

Both Colin and Christie and Chip and Kim choose the Heavy But Short option, which puts them on a bus to the place where the taxis are. On the bus, Chip talks about doing the Heavy But Short task to "get it over with as quickly as possible." He turns to Colin. "Right, Colin?" Colin responds by displaying his huge bicep, which...ew. That looks completely silly on him. You know I'm an arm and shoulder girl generally, but that is just...stupid. Chip makes a big fuss over the giant muscle, and then quietly interviews that Colin has a fatal flaw, which is the need to have his ego stroked constantly. He says that he and Kim are pumping up his ego and waiting for him to make a mistake. "Colin will beat himself," Chip says, "but we will facilitate that for him." I think if Colin keeps pissing off his girlfriend, he's going to be beating himself quite frequently, if you see my point.