Are You Sure This Is Safe?

Credits. See, look at Charla and Mirna in that turn-to-the-camera shot! Phyllis and Phyllis, if ever you saw them. [BOMP.]

Commercials. My friend Pool Boy was so excited about Alien vs. Predator that he made me watch the trailer online. Does anything happen in that movie besides the dripping fang? Because that part, I already saw.

Dum-dum-dum-dummmm! Things are energetic from the start as we land in Luxor and then work our way up to Crocodile Island. I really wanted Phil to do a Crocodile Hunter impression, by the way -- it's almost the same accent, and I like the idea of Phil going, "Whatever you do, nev-ah, ev-ah do this," and then, like, poking a stick into a nest of poisonous spiders. ["There's a Flo joke here somewhere, but I'm going to need more coffee to get at it." -- Sars] Anyway, Strolling Phil exposits that this was the sixth pit stop. Wow, did we see last week how Colin was finger-gunning like a dork as he was running to the mat? What a tool. He's almost ready to go out and sell vinyl flooring. ("Let me tell ya, this baby practically cleans itself [finger guns]!") Elsewhere, this week in news of eating, sleeping, and mingling, we learn that Christie and one of the Twinkies put their heads close together to see if they could hear the ocean. I suspect they both did. Phil wonders whether the Colin/Christie-Charla/Mirna "hostility" will inspire them or lead to their demise. Or, of course, it could do both. That's how hostility usually affects me. He also wonders whether, having dodged Philimination twice, the Moms will pull it together this week and get off the bottom of the food chain. Seriously. They're about to turn into whatever plankton eats.

5:33 AM. Colin and Christie. The clue tells them to fly to Nairobi, Kenya, and then sign up for a charter flight to a Mystery Destination. Ooh, let's guess! Is it...Oconomowoc, Wisconsin? No? Okay, I have no idea, then. Phil elaborates that this will call for taking a marked taxi to the Luxor airport. They've got tickets that will get them on any Egypt Air flight to Cairo, the first of which will leave at 7:00 AM and the second at 10:00 AM. In Cairo, they'll have to find the fastest way to Nairobi, Kenya, where -- as Phil again mentions -- they'll get a charter to the Mystery Destination. Is it...Fresno? I bet it is. Anyway, they get $75 for the leg. As they leave, Christie voices over that they're trying really hard not to become overconfident, which is Christie for "I am kicking all of these people's asses, and besides, I am pretty, ha ha ha, and have you seen my teeth?" She tries to allow for the fact that you can be cruising along coming in first, and then find yourselves Philiminated, but she doesn't mean it. She's already counting the money. You can tell. Her mouth says, "Overconfidence is bad," but her heart says, "What's the most expensive BMW, and does it have a lighted mirror on the driver's side?"

6:01 AM. Chip and Kim. Kim explains that she and Chip believe they can compete, because they're "doing everything right" at this point. Chip interviews that in order to win, you need "brainpower more than brawn." And I agree, although both are helpful, as well as appreciated by me. They get in their cab.

6:03 AM. Twinkies. Upon reading about flying to Kenya, they give identical "woo!"s and jump up and down. You know, girls, some things just aren't worth doing in tandem. Kami interviews that now that they're in third, they figure first is within reach. It's only two spots away, you know. (They borrowed a pencil and some paper.) "We just have to be in control of what we're doing," she says. They hop in their cab. "We need to get there fast!" they helpfully tell their cab driver, who will have to go against the Taxicab Code of Conduct and its default preference for lollygagging.

Colin and Christie arrive at the airport for the Egypt Air flight. Chip and Kim are on their way also.

6:10 AM. Brandon and Nicole. "I put my confidence and my trust in the Lord, not necessarily assuming that it's in His plan for Nikki and I to win." Okay, aside from a small problem with pronoun usage, I actually can get behind that. They recap the clue in their taxi, including the magic words "Mystery Destination." Is it...Shreveport? Nicole goes on to discuss in the cab how much she loved Egypt, and how wonderful she thought the people were. Nicole loves the Egyptians. She wants to grow up to walk just like them.

Chip and Kim and the Twinkies get to the airport and head inside.

6:28 AM. Charla and Mirna. Charla goes to dramatically rip the clue, and she manages to fail to rip the strip properly, so they have to stand around tearing the envelope apart, which isn't nearly as adorable as they think it is. They read the clue. "Let's get the heck out of here!" Charla says. Mirna's strange notions continue to unfurl as they leave the pit stop. (Miss Alli's Mom: "She thinks she invented aluminum foil! She's delusional!") Mirna says that now people don't underestimate them -- they overestimate them. She believes that people have become so insanely terrified that they believe her and Charla to be even better than they actually are. Which, you will recall from Mirna's comments, is so good that they make everyone crazy with jealousy. "We're having a good time, and we're not going to let anyone take that away from us," Mirna interviews, as Charla squints agreeably, wearing a highly unflattering and scrunchy fuchsia thing. Whatever all that fussy stitchy business is that's going on between Charla's boobs, that's not a good look for anyone. As Mirna walks, she snipes at Charla to go faster, as Charla runs along behind her. I wonder what Mirna would think of anyone else commenting that Charla isn't very fast. I'm just wondering, since Mirna brings it up about every five minutes.

6:33 AM. Bowling Moms. They mention that Mystery Destination also. Is it Guadalajara? Karen interviews that Linda has to keep encouraging her, because she gets depressed about being in the back of the pack. Linda says that indeed, she's working on maintaining a positive attitude. "It's tough," she says. With the losing, presumably. They get a cab.

Mirna rents the cabbie's cell phone by saying in her Broken English Of Improved Understanding, "You give cell phone, we give dollar." It works, too. Oh, Mirna. You give funny talk, he give favor. World work in mysterious way, no? Mirna calls to try to get reservations on Egypt Air, but she finds out that the first plane is at 7:00, and it's already twenty to seven as they're in the cab. Colin and Christie, Chip and Kim, and the Twinkies have all landed tickets on the 7:00 AM flight.

Brandon and Nicole de-cab at the airport and go in, followed by Charla and Mirna and the Moms. Charla happily says that the flight was delayed half an hour -- meaning, for those of you keeping track of flight delay luck, that she and Mirna have already gotten airport lucky once this leg, just by not being already three hours behind at least the first three teams. "Everything's always delayed in this country," she says, speaking words she (or at least Mirna) will apparently soon forget.

The long and the short of it is that everyone gets on the same flight, which leaves Luxor for Cairo. Phil explains that in Cairo, they'll need a taxi to the new international airport, where they'll look for a flight to Nairobi. When the flight lands in Cairo, everyone starts looking for taxis. There is running through the airport, and then there is piling into cabs. These are marked cabs, too, incidentally, as you can see from the red and yellow flags hanging from the mirrors. The taxis jockey for position, and seriously, I understand that "habibi" is a real word, and that Mirna is using it properly to my knowledge, but there is no word that you should use with a taxi driver this many times in a row. I don't care if it means "beloved," "dude," "friend," "bud," or "my little croissant with jelly" -- you just don't need to use any term of endearment for a taxi driver in every single sentence you speak.

Controversy rears its ugly head again this week as the teams arrive at the international terminal. The Twinkies get inside, where one of them says she needs to get to "Kenya, Africa." Of course, she's currently in "Egypt, Africa," so...yeah. Good one. She finds out that the Kenya Air office (I believe) won't be open for a while. But outside, the real trouble begins when Colin and Christie pull up, followed closely by Charla and Mirna. Christie stands in the doorway into the airport as Colin pays their cab driver, and she calls out, "Come on, Coliiiin...come on, Coliiiiin." Because it's the day of acting like an obnoxious brat, Christie has positioned herself in the door with her arms up against the sides so that nobody can get past her. Mirna and Charla come up behind her. "Excuse me," Mirna says, quite reasonably under the circumstances, and Christie ignores her. Now, granted -- you literally see Christie block the door for a total of six seconds. Six seconds. Of which she impedes Mirna for about three and a half, and Charla not really at all, because by the time Charla gets there, Colin is right behind her, and Christie gets out of the way, and they all go inside at the same time. But still...come on. Blocking the doorway? Is that really necessary? Must we go in that direction? My head already hurts.

Of course, after they're inside and Christie is merely running front of her, Mirna repeats, "Bitch, move out of the way." Which is great, because when she was absolutely right, she said, "Excuse me," and now that she has no case, she says, "Bitch, move out of the way." Christie doesn't have to move out of the way when she's running in front of you, dear. It's also great because Mirna had an Insider video interview a week or two ago in which she was going on and on and on and on about Colin and Christie saying "fuck" and how disgusting it was. Apparently, "Bitch, move out of the way" is more the way the delicate ladies talk. I think she's got her pinky up while she says it, actually. The other stupid thing is that they're all fighting to get to Kenya Air, which they find out is closed anyway. Good show, morons. Some things just don't require elaborate analysis, and this is one of them: Hello? You all suck.

Brandon and Nicole and Chip and Kim get to the terminal , along with the Moms.

Inside, Christie breathlessly repeats to a Twinkie how she "stood in the doorway like this," and she proudly giggles at how she blocked Charla and Mirna out of pure spite. She happily repeats how Mirna was all, "Out of the way, bitch!" Oh, I remember junior high. "She was like...and I was all...and then she was just totally...and then I goand she goes...and I was like, 'OH MY GOD!' And that's why I'm not giving her any gum." Elsewhere, Mirna is telling the story to the Moms as well, but interestingly, when she tells it, she says, "She blocked the doors like this, against Charla." And damn, that pissed me off. What Christie did was totally ridiculous, but it was not aimed at Charla, it was aimed primarily at Mirna, and Mirna knows it. What bugs is that she's the one, in that situation, who is stereotyping Charla and making her into a little victim, all persecuted by mean people, in a situation where Charla's size has absolutely nothing to do with anything. I think it's really offensive for Mirna to try to leverage the things that are legitimately a pain in the ass for Charla in order to gain a point against a girl she just doesn't get along with, no matter how much that girl just acted like a total bitch. It's like she's exploiting the pity that people feel for Charla, which Charla is forever trying to get them not to feel. Why didn't Mirna just say Christie blocked her? Or them? As far as I'm concerned, she did it because it makes a better, more sympathetic story, and Mirna gets more mileage out of it, if she says "against Charla." Charla, of course, isn't exactly objecting. "She was blocking the airport doors as if she has control over the whole airport!" Charla agrees. Yep. Christie seized control of the entire airport for six whole seconds. String her up!

To review: I hate everyone involved in that entire incident. Well, except Charla, who didn't really have much to do with it. And Colin, who, as to that particular piece of business, didn't, either. So I guess it's just Mirna and Christie, both of whom could use a bucket of pig's blood over the head at the prom, if you ask me.

Colin meets up with Brandon and Nicole and the Twinkies and asks them if they want to work together so that Mirna and Charla don't beat them. Elsewhere, Mirna is still calling Colin and Christie "the scum of the earth" and so forth. Yawn. Brandon and Nicole are in for Colin's plan, as are the Twinkies, and Colin says he's going to ask Chip and Kim, too. Nicole interviews that Colin and Christie don't want to give information to Mirna and Charla, and although she doesn't feel that way, she's willing to cooperate with the plan. Christie haughtily explains "how it works" to her new alliance, saying that if you're "in," everyone shares information, and if you're not, you get no information. Thanks, Christie, I never would have figured it out without you. And also? You're not the queen of the eighth grade with your Bermuda bag smacking against your Esprit pants anymore, so just unclench, princess. Colin voices over that Mirna is "blatantly rude" to them (hmm, I wonder why), and that she tries to get other teams against him (which...he would never!).

Unsurprisingly, over at another counter, Mirna is still living in an alternate reality. We see her telling Linda and Karen that Colin "leeches on to weak people" and then "gets rid of them one at a time." Now...come on, sweetheart. Colin didn't pop Marshall's knees. How is he on the hook for that? Or Jim and Marsha? Or anyone? Doesn't it occur to Linda and Karen that this is, you know, crap? Apparently, it does not, because Linda just loves being with Mirna. Oh, well. As the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters would say, lie down with histrionic crapweasels, wake up with fleas. Histrionic crapweasel fleas.

It's a shame, because if any of these people were making a lick of sense, they would immediately jump out into the lead, as far as sucking less.

In my favorite voice-over of the episode, Linda says, "We've been watching the game too much, and I know Colin and Christie are good, but dammit, Charla and Mirna are better." I'd like to see the research backing up that unusual claim based on the last couple of legs, but then...Linda's not exactly an authority on winning at this point herself, so perhaps it's not so surprising. Maybe she means they're better at using the word "habibi." Or at alienating people. Come to think of it, I think they're pretty much tied with Colin on that score.

Chip and Kim go with Colin's plan as well, and then in an interviews, Chip explains that there's this "Mirna camp," and this "Colin camp." "It's like the Clash of the Titans," he says. "They can't stand each other." Eh, "Clash of the Titans," "Battle of the Network Bores"...six of one, half-dozen of the other. Kim says, "Colin and Mirna are really, really competing against each other, and hopefully, they're going to knock each other out of this race." Now see, that is a smart attitude. Also, it would help you tolerate the behavior if you could say to yourself, "Well, the good news is, they may both be gone soon, and they can torment each other in Sequesterville."

Camp Colin heads to SwissAir to check out the options there. The best option they can get is a connection through Zurich (ack), arriving tomorrow. Camp Mirna, meanwhile, chooses to check with GulfAir. That guy comes through for them, and then Mirna goes to explain what they're doing. She's not explaining it to anyone except Linda and Karen and the cameras, so maybe someone can explain to me why she says, "We going Abu Dhabi, and then we going Nairobi, and we arriving Nairobi 6:30 AM." Can I ask when she lost her English-speaking ability? Or, what, is that supposed to be...cute? Because really...not. It's a version of baby talk, basically, and like all other baby talk, it's a bit sick-making. Mirna closes the blinds at GulfAir -- I'm sure the airline appreciates her making the office appear to be closed, by the way -- and she and Charla and Linda and Karen all decide to hide so that Colin won't see them through the windows.

Elsewhere, a Twinkie frets over where Camp Mirna has landed, and what tickets they're getting. Colin notes the GulfAir office, and notes that it's open, and he heads inside -- where he finds Mirna and Linda pressing themselves up against the side wall. Yeah, that was some darn effective subterfuge, there. When Colin walks over to talk to the airline guy, Mirna -- who, you'll recall, was really put out that Colin suggested that she couldn't talk to Bus Station Cleaning Guy while he was trying to have a conversation with him -- busts in and gets physically between Colin and the airline guy, instructing the airline guy not to help Colin. Now...the airline would listen to Mirna because...why, again? You're telling me she thinks the guy is going to skip selling sixteen last-minute, full-fare tickets because...she's so charming, and she told him to? He's going to say, "Boss, I know it cost us a hundred thousand dollars, but she called me 'habibi.' I had no defense"? It turns out that Mirna did have a more evolved plan, however. She proudly adds in an interview that she told the airline guy not to help them because they're violent. Which...yeah. You don't invoke security issues at an airport, as far as I'm concerned. You just do not. My line of Race ethics is pretty relaxed, and it leaves a pretty wide berth for doing a lot of things to get ahead of other teams, but you don't do something that has any potential to involve authorities or police -- especially if you're full of shit, which she is.

Outside, Christie tells a Twinkie that Mirna is telling them not to sell tickets to the rest of them. "Bitch," the Twinkie says. Certainly is quite a lot of that going around. And then we look over and can see through the door that a gloating Mirna is grinning and giving them the "shame, shame" gesture with her fingers. Charla joins in, making faces and taunting and showing off how hilarious it is to make fun of people -- unless it were her, of course, in which case making fun of people would be totally immoral. Charla goes on to crow about how much she's intimidating everyone, and how the other teams are "boiling" about it. Mirna then strolls out of the GulfAir office, making quite a display of waving her tickets and hooting and strutting. "You suck," she tosses off with a laugh at Nicole and a Twinkie, who are sitting on the ground not even doing anything. Charla joins in, showing off and kissing her ticket grandly. I think they officially know less about the critical topic of Your Ass, And The Things That Will Inevitably Bite You In It than anyone, ever. As Colin asks inside for GulfAir tickets, the Twinkies sit outside, and one whispers, "Colin's an idiot." Meanwhile, Charla and Mirna get on the GulfAir flight. Back outside the GulfAir office, a Twinkie says, "That Swiss decision was the stupidest decision any of us have ever made." Stupider than swimming to the pit stop? Stupider than throwing away the puzzle pieces? I have to say, I think she's being much too hard on herself about the "Swiss decision." She's made many stupider decisions than that. Tense music plays as Charla and Mirna gloat on the plane and Colin stews in the GulfAir office.

Commercials. If you went by television, you would think 90 percent of people's time was spent choosing between allergy medications.

When we return to the GulfAir office, KamiKarli is still bitching to KarliKami about what "idiots" they were to follow Colin instead of "doing their own thing" at the airport. Yeah. Because doing their own thing? That always turns out really well. "Their own thing" has staked them to a whole series of back-of-the-pack finishes, so it's really too bad they didn't go with that, because their Mystery Destination really would have been Oconomowoc. On the plane, the Moms and Mirna and Charla put their bags in the overhead compartments. "Let's relax!" says Charla or Mirna (I still can't tell their voices apart). And back in the GulfAir office..."We can take all of you," the gentleman says.

So all of them board the plane. "I felt genuinely terrible," Mirna says as she explains her feelings upon seeing the rest of the teams. Well, at least that makes me feel genuinely better about how genuinely irritated I was feeling before the commercials, when she was being such a genuine pain in the genuine ass. We cut to a shot of Colin's evil smile, which I think is just a leeeetle bit exaggerated for comic effect. He's really oily, though. And tragically, he's not even pretty enough to be a smarmy little pretty boy.

The flight with everyone on board goes from Cairo to Bahrain. In the Bahrain airport, Charla and Mirna are looking again for an earlier flight. Mirna, speaking in her accented English again, some more, explains that she has exchanged their tickets through Abu Dhabi for tickets through Dubai. She congratulates herself and pumps her fist and whatnot as she goes through the airport. Karen explains -- while looking very dubious, I would point out -- that this is supposedly going to get them into Nairobi a half-hour ahead of the other teams. "It's a gamble," Linda says, recognizing what it appears that Mirna does not -- that switching to a different flight with a different connection is a risk, and when the only payoff is a half-hour? The Extra Step is one thing, but if you're going to gamble for that small of an advantage before you've done any tasks, you'd better feel confident that it's going to work out for you. And what was that about how everything is always delayed? Yeah. Anyway, these four fly from Bahrain to Dubai. The rest of the teams leave Bahrain for Abu Dhabi, where they'll change planes as well.

In Dubai, the funniest thing happens -- for once, Mirna and Charla do not have perfect luck, and find that their flight is delayed. "It was truly a sad moment," Charla says. Well, yes. But of course, one person's "sad" is another person's "hilarious." Mine, specifically. Linda and Karen lament to the camera that they are now behind the pack again. Well, those are the risks of not paying any attention to actual records of success when determining which team is "better." ["Or of not doing your own work. To my mind, it's a bit late in the game to be relying on other teams for transportation, but whatever." -- Sars] "We have to keep our fingers crossed that fate is on our side," Mirna interviews. Mm-hmm.

Phil explains again that when teams arrive in Nairobi, they'll sign up for one of three charter flights to the Mystery Destination. Is it...Pittsburgh? The flights leave at 8:00 AM, 8:45 AM, and 9:30 AM. At the Nairobi airport, the first team off the plane is Colin and Christie, and they head for the charter desk. Colin and Chip run up to the desk together, so those will be the teams on the first charter. "They're not here," Colin says, as Brandon and a Twinkie come up behind to sign up for the second charter. "They're not here." The Twinkie stops and does a little arm-waving victory dance, which I thought was kind of cute. I have to admit -- and it might just all be relative -- that the Twinkies are sorta growing on me. They're not very bright, but they do have a bizarre ability to avoid being Philiminated long after they should have vanished in a puff of vapidity. Colin explains that, indeed, he expected Mirna and Charla and the Moms to have arrived ahead of them, but instead, his group all made it on the first two flights.

Chip and Kim and Colin and Christie board the first charter flight. "This is so cool," Colin says to Christie. "I mean, here we are, Nairobi, Kenya, on a prop plane, not knowing where we're going ." Thank you, Colin, for that totally spontaneous moment of awe. As they're leaving, they spot Mirna and Charla and the Moms, coming in on their flight. What's totally hysterical is that despite the fact that the sign-in sheets are right there, and we've already seen that they're filled in, Mirna asks whether there's room on Charter 1...and is told, obviously, no...before accepting that indeed, she will be on the last plane. Apparently, she thought that the other teams might have decided to sign up for the later charter instead of the earlier one. Hey, you never know! By the way, while waiting for her delayed flight, Mirna apparently used her spare time to put some really silly-looking braids in her hair.

Charla asks for mercy as she and Mirna cross the gorge. Mirna tells Charla to keep running, because "it might be a non-elimination." In my living room at this point, I said out loud, "Yeah, it is, as you know, but you're getting your money taken, at least, ha ha ha." I actually started thinking in my head about how good their odds would be of catching up in the leg if they started out in Tanzania without any money.

They approach Phil on the mat. Charla is grinning. "You're the last team to arrive." And Charla stares at Phil with this obvious, expectant smile. She knows -- she knows -- it is non-elimination. She's waiting for, "The good news is..." Instead, she hears, "I'm sorry to tell you, you've both been eliminated from the race."

WHAAAAAAAT? I will tell you, even as Phil said, "I'm sorry to tell you," I expected some kind of a hook -- just kidding! Not really eliminated! Even after he said it, I was looking for the catch. But there is no catch. They are Philiminated. Mirna, of course, hugs Phil. Charla says they had "a great experience." "Charla," Phil says, "you wanted to prove something to other small people in the world, and you really did that." "I just wanted to prove to the world how much I can do," she says, crying. So if you think they made her say all that stuff? They didn't. I mean, I don't dislike or disagree with that sentiment at all, but it is hers. "And it's not easy when there's so much pointing down at you," she continues. "And always people thinking that you can't do it." You mean, like coffin-carrier drivers who think you can't run because your boneheaded partner runs up to them and says, "Small lady, not possible"? Those kinds of people? She goes on to say that she has to work "triple as hard" as "regular people." At certain particular things, this is obviously true. At other things, it's not true. She goes on about accomplishing your dreams and so forth, and then Phil totally flakes out by CRYING (oh, Phil, stay with me for five minutes without losing your composure, WOULD YOU PLEASE?) all over her about her "amazing spirit." Except for the bitchy parts, because those parts were less amazing.

Phil tries to throw a bone to Mirna (not in the way she wants, of course) by talking about what a great partner she was and all. Mirna doesn't even talk; it's all Charla saying she loves Mirna. Which is grand. And I'm really glad they're not going to be on the show anymore, because frankly, they were unpleasant. Not evil, not dirty, just unpleasant and unhappy about everyone else on the trip, and that's just not the kind of energy I particularly enjoy. Don't get me wrong -- Colin and Christie suck also. I would vote for them to go . They won't, I don't think, but that would be my vote. All these people who have chosen to spend all their time bitching about each other? Yeah, they can all go home.

Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.

week: Colin blows his stack, finally. Criminal!