Why Can't We Get a Camel?

Credits. Do the Twinkies really play soccer? I wonder how they remember which way the goal is. Maybe they're attached to it with little clips, like kids and mittens. [BOMP.]

Commercials. Truly, Diet Coke with Lime is the nectar of the gods. As with TiVo, I wonder how I ever lived without it. And, as with TiVo, it may wind up bankrupting me.

Dun, dun, dun-dun-dun dun! We are in Cairo, home of a whole lot of people, many of the most famous of whom are dead. In that sense, it's very similar to Memphis. The Sphinx, which Phil is standing in front of -- because you don't stroll past nondescript cityscapes if you have the Sphinx available -- was the fifth pit stop. Wait, have they ever done morphing before on this show? Because there's a shot of the Sphinx morphing into...well, into itself from a different angle, which means I think the guys in post-production maybe need to get a little more adventurous with the special effects. If KamiKarli morphed into the face of a horse? Now that's comedy. ["'Morphed'?" -- Sars] Once again, Phil feels the need to remind us that Linda and Karen were not Philiminated at the end of the last leg, but instead lost all their money. You know, in case you just got here. Phil wonders whether they will "be defeated by this obstacle," or whether they'll live to squeak another day. He also wonders whether Colin and Christie can hang on to their lead, although everyone who's watched this show before already knows the answer, which has a "B" at the beginning and an "unching" at the end. (If you need more help than that, this isn't the show for you.)

11:27 PM. Colin and Christie, leaving at just about the worst possible time to have a seven-hour lead. And I'm sorry, but as smart as I've already acknowledged the headlamps to be? He still looks like a dork. They rip their clue, which tells them to get to the entrance of the Great Pyramid. As the cameramen careen drunkenly to and fro, Phil explains that once they get there, they will go down 350 feet down a narrow tunnel to a chamber that is located at what Phil calls "the geographical center of the earth." Because apparently, the earth is 700 feet deep. That explains why when you get to the very bottom of an underground parking garage, you can faintly hear people speaking Chinese. Anyway, when they get to the bottom, they'll get their clue. As they walk off the mat, Colin remarks to Christie that 350 feet down is "bad-ass," and that it's 35 stories. He interviews, while wearing something stupid and unidentifiable on his head, that they have this great lead now, and he's confident that they're going to win. Colin has apparently decided that fate-tempting is a figment of the imaginations of people who aren't sufficiently sure of themselves. As they walk, Christie asks Colin how he knows which pyramid is the Great Pyramid. "Just 'cause I know," he says. Well, why didn't he say so? With the Sphinx over her shoulder looking like it's going to hold two giant stone bunny ears up behind her head, Christie interviews that they both always believe that they're right, and that she thinks they need to do a better job of trying to work together if they're going to...I don't know, finish every leg before anyone else even starts, I guess. (Sphinx: "Hi, Mom!")

They approach a pyramid. Is it Great? Indeed, it is, judging by the red and yellow flag. However, the hours of operation are 6:00 AM to 9:00 PM, so they won't be entering right at the moment unless Colin wants to go all Intense on the gates. I wouldn't put it past him. He might be the Hulk, actually, come to think of it. Hulk want to see Great Pyramid! How Hulk know which pyramid Great? Hulk just know! Colin laments the situation, but Christie notes that it's still going to be a 45-minute lead or so going into the day, which is still at least something. She also says they're glad to have "a few extra hours to sleep." Or, I suppose, "strategize."

At 5:55 AM, they get up and get ready to go in. Colin says that they're ready to "go and blow." Oh, Colin, unnecessary nonsensical rhyming is no one's friend. And by the way, you get a good shot here of the backs of their jackets, which carry their logo -- "Texas Extreme." Well, not even that, really -- it's actually "Texas Xtreme." And that is lamer than Marshall. Had I been on this particular race, I could not have resisted yelling at him at pit stops, "Colin! Are you up for some extreme dinner?" And "Colin, are you enjoying those extreme potatoes?" And "Colin, can you pass the extreme salt?" Because "extreme" is like "feisty" -- it's deeply wrong to apply it to yourself without irony. But anyway, they start down the tunnel, which is quite narrow and requires them to crouch and ease down a lot of little steps, which are somewhere between stairs and ladder rungs, really. Colin instructs Christie in how to walk down, which seems perhaps a bit excessive, considering that his instructions essentially consist of, "One foot! Then the other foot!" Yeah, thanks, Mr. Wizard; I'm sure that without your help, she would have been trying to figure out how to balance on the back of her neck. He also ODs on the "come on, baby"s right about here. They get into the chamber and get the clue, which tells them to go to "the mound of creation" at the Karnak Temple in Luxor, Egypt -- which Phil explains is about 400 miles away. To get there, they need to go to the domestic, or "old," airport, where they can take any commercial flight, or they can travel on a charter flight that leaves at 11:30 AM. In Luxor, they'll find the temple and their clue.

As he and Christie crawl back out, Colin notes that it's about 6:00 AM, so they might be able to get an earlier flight at 8:00 or so. Outside, they get a taxi and ask for the old airport. In the cab, Colin talks about how he hopes that they'll be able to catch an earlier flight than 11:30 so that the other teams won't catch up to them. Well, keep hope alive.

Back at the pit stop, Charla and Mirna are leaving at 6:41 AM, ripping their clue with their matching red nails. How race-appropriate. Charla preens about how "initially, everybody wrote [them] off," and now they're all learning what a strong team they are, blah blah blah. Mirna interviews that now, all the teams started "going ballistic because they became so jealous." Can I just ask who she's talking about? Who's "going ballistic" with jealousy? Certainly not Colin and Christie, who have finished ahead of her in the last three legs in a row. The rest of the teams don't even seem capable of "ballistic." People don't really writhe with envy over a team that has yet to finish a single leg in first place. What she's saying just makes no sense. As they head for a pyramid, Mirna talks about how they have to hide so other people don't see which one they're going to. Because everyone will follow them. Like everyone always does, especially the people who usually finish ahead of them. Bunch of followers! Stop following Mirna from the front!

6:45 AM. Brandon and Nicole. They read the clue and count their money, and Nicole talks about how Brandon is "an awesome partner," and she thinks that as long as they stay relaxed, they're "on [their] way to winning." It certainly is the day for burning your karma and dancing on the ashes.

6:46 AM. Chip and Kim. They count out $65, and as they leave, Kim talks about feeling bad about not doing more of the work, and leaving Chip to be the team leader. She says she doesn't feel like she's made a huge contribution. I sort of don't think that's possible, in the sense that I think they complement each other really well, partly because she tends to be low-key when he's being Maniacally Excitable Guy. But still, I understand how she feels. She points out that she thinks she needs to "build [her] confidence," and that does seem fair, at least. They're so cool -- who accidentally let them loose with all these other nutjobs?

Charla, now at the pyramid, notes that the other teams have caught up, so she and Mirna have needlessly squandered the five-minute lead to which they had staked themselves. They descend into the tunnel, which is of course substantially easier for Charla, who doesn't have to bend over at all, but just runs the whole way. Heh. Mirna complains about how far down it was, and how she was "a little bit worried" and so forth. Not really a hearty girl, Mirna. Brandon and Nicole are close behind. "This is fun for me, this is just my place," Charla remarks as she runs down the squatty tunnel. "I'm gonna, like, freak out," says Mirna. Well, it's hard to imagine that, given her even-tempered and drama-free personality, isn't it? They read the clue along with Brandon and Nicole. Brandon has de-shirted, allegedly due to the hot conditions in the chamber. For some reason, he interviews to this effect, that he took his shirt off, and Nicole comments happily that he "looks great with his shirt off!" Eh, fine. He's actually fairly scrawny, although he's well turned out. Mirna interviews that she's able to appreciate the "cute" factor of Brandon. Wait, was that a positive comment? About someone on another team? Well, I'm sure she doesn't mean it. He's still disgusting.

Chip and Kim creep down the tunnel.

Outside the pyramid, Mirna tells the cabbie that they need to go to the old airport. If I'm not mistaken, that may be the Twinkies' oily driver from last week. He probably came back to see if they want to hang out and listen to his collection of Madonna records. Instead, he's getting Charla and Mirna, which must be quite a bitter disappointment. Brandon and Nicole and Chip and Kim are soon also telling their drivers to get to the old airport.

Colin and Christie, meanwhile, are arriving at Terminal 1 of the old airport. They run in to see whether there are any flights leaving earlier than the Luxor Air charter at 11:30. There's a 7:30, as it turns out, but it's now 7:12, and the flight is closed, so they won't make it. They further learn that nobody else flies to Luxor, so it looks like the charter is it. Colin complains that they can't find an earlier flight, so everybody will catch up. He really was hoping, I guess, to work his way out to that three-day lead, so he could have the very satisfying experience of being done with the race so early that there would be no one available to greet him at the finish line, because they would all still be trying to figure out how to ride Chinese unicycles or something.

7:12 AM. Marshall and Lance leave. Marshall says his knees feel "significantly better" than they did when he finished the last leg, so that's...encouraging? He says the nerves are irritated under his kneecaps, so that's...less encouraging, as is the fact that his walking has gotten even more pitiful than before. They discuss the sad fact that due to the Law of Conservation of Up and Down, once Marshall makes it down the 350-foot tunnel, he'll only have to come back up, because there's no word of an elevator. Marshall voices over that Lance has been very patient about his inability to go any faster. Indeed, Lance is quite a humanitarian, when he's not yelling "Bitch!" out of windows. In Chip and Kim's cab, Chip reflects on the long trek down and opines that Marshall will be in some big hurt once he's done with it, considering that even Chip's knees were feeling that task. Nevertheless, here the fellows go, down into the tunnel.

Back at the old airport, now at Terminal 2, Charla and Mirna and Brandon and Nicole head inside. They are joined by Chip and Kim, and everyone is unsure whether they're at the right terminal for the charter flight. They run into a guy who tells them to try Terminal 1, and Mirna interviews that she and Charla decided they'd wait for another team to come, and then use that cab to try the other terminal. Meanwhile, Colin and Christie are approaching Terminal 2 in their cab, meaning that the Perfect Storm of Idiot Behavior is beginning to brew. Christie is explaining that they know that the terminal they need is called Terminal 2, but they can just "go in and see" what the situation is, and they'll "tell [the cabbie] to wait." Colin says he's just going to leave his bags while they run in and check. Inside, Charla notes their arrival, sees them walking toward the terminal, and concludes that this is their shot at the cab they wanted. Charla and Mirna run toward Colin and Christie's cab, and Colin slowly turns and follows them, saying -- in a totally normal tone, so far -- "Yeah, sorry, this is our cab." Charla has already climbed in, and Mirna completely ignores him and continues getting in. He repeats, "This is our cab right here." "Well, you left it," Mirna says as she continues, undaunted, into the cab. "No, we didn't," he says, and she just repeats, "You left it."

Blaring horns bring us to Karnak temple, where Chip and Kim are first out of the cabs, followed by the rest of the teams. In a development that surprises no one, Colin is urging Christie to run. Uh, "baby." There is some running around in confusion as teams try to find the place where they buy tickets. And now, the ticket booth. People line up in the little queuing space, and Chip and Kim get tickets first, followed by the moms and Twinkies, and then Colin and Christie. The way the ticket lines are set up, the only window that appears to be open has handrails in front of it that clearly delineate where the line is -- it's like cattle going down a chute. to that line is a row that's basically empty, that people are using to leave after they get their tickets. That's how Chip gets out -- he ducks under the bar between those two chutes and leaves that way. As Colin and Christie are leaving, Mirna tries to cut the line by walking up the exit row and squashing in ahead of a bunch of people who are already standing in line. She squeezes by Christie, but when she goes by Colin, who does indeed turn his shoulders somewhat to get around her, she gets squashed against the side by his shoulder and his pack. Interestingly enough, the only person with a raised arm -- and specifically an elbow in the air -- is Mirna. From the width of the space they were squeezing through, it clearly wasn't even possible for them to pass without bumping each other, because she's going in one direction, and he's going in the other, and it just isn't wide enough to accommodate two people, one of whom has a big pack on. So they jostled each other.

Of course, Mirna feels that she's been violently wronged. You can actually see that she successfully maneuvers herself in front of Brandon, who appeared to be waiting in the correct line. As she stands there, having just cut in line, she whines, "Don't push me like that again! Where did that guy go?" It's just completely comical. She butts in line by going against the flow of traffic, and when she gets jostled, she decides that Colin should have...I don't know what. There was literally nothing for him to do. Did he enjoy it a little? Yeah, probably. That's how adrenaline works. As I said on the forums, if that had been two guys, I don't think anybody would have batted one eyelash, and I'm not inclined to get all morally outraged, as if Mirna is going to break in half just because she's a girl. You try to force your way into a line, you get bumped a little. That's life in the big city, Mirna.

And now, in a voice-over, Mirna's delusions truly begin to take flight. "I think Colin is jealous of me," she says. Yes, that would be the very jealous Colin, who has finished ahead of her for several legs, and who is ahead of her as we speak. "And he has a Napoleon complex," she says. Yeah. You know, Colin may not be especially tall, but he's not short enough for that to be a particularly good dig, particularly when he's taller than she is, as you can see when they pass each other in line. "This crazy person is trying to assault me," she adds. And by "crazy person," she means "person who keep beating me in every leg," and by "assault me," she means "go faster than I'm going." She goes on to lecture that Christie is "submissive," and Colin can "dominate her." The interesting thing is that that may or may not be true, but I don't see why it would give Mirna anything to crow about. ["I think we can file that one under 'Even a broken clock is right twice a day.'" -- Sars] Furthermore, I would love -- love -- to see her reaction if any other team did what she just did, ignoring the line and butting in front. She would have them arrested for attempted murder.

And then, Mirna spits on the ground. Man, she is so classy. I mean, going to the trouble of rolling your hair and getting all fancy, and then not having the simple manners not to spit on the ground in public? That's just a heartbreaking waste of nail polish.

Marshall and Lance descend into the tunnel, but they already appear to be evaluating whether Marshall is really capable of going on. But ultimately, Marshall says he can go, so they go. When they reach the bottom, they get the clue. Marshall says as they climb out that this kind of climbing is actually easier on his knees than walking. They make it out, expressing some surprise that they actually finished. Lance comments that, given the time, they should still be able to get the flight and catch up to everyone else.

At Terminal 2 of the old airport, everyone ascertains that they're at the right terminal for the charter, so Colin and Christie release their taxi, and everybody goes inside.

At 8:33 AM, the Twinkies -- accompanied by their brand new adorable theme music, which I would call the Mischievous Honking of Stupid, open the clue. ("Honk honk honk honk honk.") They ask for directions to the entrance, as Kami says that they're just "confused" a lot of the time. Well, she doesn't so much say it as she agrees with the music. They stand under the red and yellow flag at the top of the shaft, and one says, "I don't know what to do! 'Descend'?" Swim, Twinkies, swim!

At our old friend Terminal 2, Lance and Marshall are arriving. They get inside as we see the Twinkies get their clue and head for the airport.

10:08 AM. The moms read their clue, which points out that the money for the leg would normally be $65, but they won't be getting any. They talk about what this means for them, which is...well, they have to come up with some for their taxi. Karen explains that because the country is so poor, they decided to beg from tourists. Which they do. And I mean...it looks like begging. And begging is really not my thing. I think it's unseemly, and not very interesting, and there's nothing teams do that makes me more acutely aware that events are being influenced by the presence of the cameras than begging from strangers. Early on, they seem to be doing poorly at the begging, which Linda calls "hard." They luck out, though, when a big tour bus shows up, and the tourists start to break out their wallets. They get all squeaky, because -- free money! That's actually one of only a few things they've squeaked at that's worth squeaking over. Once they've got the money, they head for the pyramid and work their way down into the chamber. By the time they get the clue, it seems to leave them about an hour to get to the airport for the charter.

At the airport, everyone is wondering when exactly Linda and Karen are going to be leaving, and whether they'll make the flight. We see them getting into their taxi, clearly asking for "the old airport." In the cab, they repeat, "You understand old airport." "Old, old, yes," he repeats. Not very convincing, if you ask me. Speaking of the old airport, the teams are all standing around waiting for the charter, and indeed, they probably would rather the moms didn't show up. In fact, Charla (I think) voices over that "everybody was hoping and praying" that Linda and Karen wouldn't make it. Seems reasonable enough.

It's hard to believe after last week's episode, but at 11:25 AM, the moms pull up to...the new airport. "This is new airport, only for international," they are told. AIIIEEEE! Golly, two weeks in a row with that. They get rather angry with their taxi driver, and they order him to take them to the actual old airport. "It's unbelievable," they say sadly in the cab. That is some bad taxi luck, indeed.

Commercials. Oh my God, DEAN CAIN! I have an autographed picture of him that says, "To Linda, Super Wishes." It's really hard to explain, but if he gets really famous, I'll sell it to you.

Linda and Karen approach the old airport, sure that the charter has left without them. Linda is talking about the fact that she knew the guy wasn't understanding her, which was my sense as well. You've got to learn to trust that instinct. It's like The Gift Of Fear, except with getting lost instead of getting mugged. We're told that it's about 11:33 as they pull up to the airport, so they're sure they've missed it. Inside, however, to their shock, they find that the other teams are all standing around, because the plane has been delayed. It looks from the Arr/Dep board like all flights out of the airport were delayed, so there you go. You never know when you're going to get lucky. They walk up to all the teams, giggling and squeaking like mad, and understandably, no one is glad to see them. So we have arrived the mega-bunch, which, of course, Colin complains about.

In fact, it isn't until 1:45 PM -- more than two hours late -- that the flight finally takes off, with all seven teams aboard. The Amazing Red Line shows you that they are traveling from Cairo to Luxor. Phil reminds us that once they land, they'll be headed for the temple to find the clue. I love how the footage of the plane landing goes into speedy-motion, like, "Okay, we don't have all day, the plane lands, do you get it?"

At 2:30, the flight lands in Luxor. Everybody in cabs, with Mirna speaking English with an accent to her driver. We've seen her speak Arabic, so apparently, she just thinks accented English is sexier. Of course, I am probably just going ballistic because I'm so jealous. All the teams urge their drivers to go faster, but it looks like the speedy driver belongs to Chip and Kim, whose driver just got here from stock car racing school, and zings right past the other folks as their drivers sit there stewing in bitterness about the fact that they won't be getting residuals. Chip hoots at his helpful and excellent driver. Other teams try to urge their cabs ahead, but Chip's driver will not be denied.

Blaring horns bring us to Karnak temple, where Chip and Kim are first out of the cabs, followed by the rest of the teams. In a development that surprises no one, Colin is urging Christie to run. Uh, "baby." There is some running around in confusion as teams try to find the place where they buy tickets. And now, the ticket booth. People line up in the little queuing space, and Chip and Kim get tickets first, followed by the moms and Twinkies, and then Colin and Christie. The way the ticket lines are set up, the only window that appears to be open has handrails in front of it that clearly delineate where the line is -- it's like cattle going down a chute. to that line is a row that's basically empty, that people are using to leave after they get their tickets. That's how Chip gets out -- he ducks under the bar between those two chutes and leaves that way. As Colin and Christie are leaving, Mirna tries to cut the line by walking up the exit row and squashing in ahead of a bunch of people who are already standing in line. She squeezes by Christie, but when she goes by Colin, who does indeed turn his shoulders somewhat to get around her, she gets squashed against the side by his shoulder and his pack. Interestingly enough, the only person with a raised arm -- and specifically an elbow in the air -- is Mirna. From the width of the space they were squeezing through, it clearly wasn't even possible for them to pass without bumping each other, because she's going in one direction, and he's going in the other, and it just isn't wide enough to accommodate two people, one of whom has a big pack on. So they jostled each other.

Of course, Mirna feels that she's been violently wronged. You can actually see that she successfully maneuvers herself in front of Brandon, who appeared to be waiting in the correct line. As she stands there, having just cut in line, she whines, "Don't push me like that again! Where did that guy go?" It's just completely comical. She butts in line by going against the flow of traffic, and when she gets jostled, she decides that Colin should have...I don't know what. There was literally nothing for him to do. Did he enjoy it a little? Yeah, probably. That's how adrenaline works. As I said on the forums, if that had been two guys, I don't think anybody would have batted one eyelash, and I'm not inclined to get all morally outraged, as if Mirna is going to break in half just because she's a girl. You try to force your way into a line, you get bumped a little. That's life in the big city, Mirna.

And now, in a voice-over, Mirna's delusions truly begin to take flight. "I think Colin is jealous of me," she says. Yes, that would be the very jealous Colin, who has finished ahead of her for several legs, and who is ahead of her as we speak. "And he has a Napoleon complex," she says. Yeah. You know, Colin may not be especially tall, but he's not short enough for that to be a particularly good dig, particularly when he's taller than she is, as you can see when they pass each other in line. "This crazy person is trying to assault me," she adds. And by "crazy person," she means "person who keep beating me in every leg," and by "assault me," she means "go faster than I'm going." She goes on to lecture that Christie is "submissive," and Colin can "dominate her." The interesting thing is that that may or may not be true, but I don't see why it would give Mirna anything to crow about. ["I think we can file that one under 'Even a broken clock is right twice a day.'" -- Sars] Furthermore, I would love -- love -- to see her reaction if any other team did what she just did, ignoring the line and butting in front. She would have them arrested for attempted murder.

Oh, and back in line, Mirna -- the big virtuous Christian who hates liars and cheats -- asks for student tickets. "She ain't a student!" comes a protesting voice, I think from Lance. Heh.

The Twinkies enjoy a brief visit to first place as they pull the clue for the Detour. Wow, how did that happen? I'm sure they're as surprised as anyone. Phil explains the Detour options, which are Herd It and Haul It. In Herd It, you travel five miles by carriage to Banana Island, where you have to herd ten sheep from the shore into a boat. Then they'll sail across the Nile to the other side. In Haul It, you go a shorter distance by carriage to a farm where you use a sort of a lever thingy to haul water out of the river. Then they transport the water -- by donkey -- up to the farmhouse. They'll have to cart urns of water until they fill up a jug to a particular point. Phil points out that unpaved paths and donkey-riding don't necessarily go hand in hand, comfort-wise.

The Twinkies choose the herding, as do Chip and Kim. Colin and Christie, on the other hand, are not so happy about the sheep-loading, so they decide to go for the donkey, along with Brandon and Nicole. Lance and Marshall believe that sheep are their only option -- probably not the first or last time in their lives they'll reach that conclusion. Mirna and Charla pick the sheep also. In his carriage on the way to the sheep, Chip explains that he doesn't know what a lot of the words in the clue even mean. Kim's just reading the clue deadpan, like, "Yeah, you're adorable -- but someone has to read." Hee hee.

Linda and Karen are doing the sheep also, judging from the way they're asking about Banana Island. I hope they're keeping an eye out, though, because with the way their luck has been, I wouldn't be surprised if their driver took them to Plantain Island instead. Linda says that they're "on a high" as a result of being back in the game. You can't really tell when they're on a "high," though, because the giggling tends to survive even in the face of setbacks.

Marshall and Lance inch toward the Detour clue. "Beautiful day," Marshall comments. "Yeah. Fantastic," Lance says, bored. My theory, actually, is that he wants to quit throughout this entire leg. He has been having a miserable time throughout, he hasn't enjoyed any of it, he knows they're not going to win, he thinks they've gotten as much publicity for the pizza joint as they're going to (which was his reason for showing up), and he wants to go home. It's just a theory, and I freely admit I have no proof, but that's my sense.

Colin and Christie take the dirt path toward the farmhouse. There's something about Very Intense Colin bouncing along on the back of a donkey that tickles my sense of absurdity. It's like watching James Dean pedaling a Big Wheel. The guy waiting at the end of the path, furthermore, is very enthusiastic about encouraging them to dump the water into the jug. Colin re-donkeys, and he and Christie head back down the path. The donkey moans, and Colin says, "It's okay, donkey." (Donkey: "Thanks for your concern. Incidentally, you weigh a ton.") Well, Colin does have a heart, so that's good to see. They pass Brandon and Nicole. "Lookin' good, guys!" Colin calls out. (Sidebar: That expression always makes me think of a friend of mine who used to teach skiing to little kids, and he said that one of the things he taught them was that when they all went down the hill together, when he yelled out, "Lookin' good, guys!" they were supposed to yell back, "Feelin' good, Ken!" So every time Colin, or whoever, says, "Lookin' good, guys!", I always want to yell, "Feelin' good, Colin!" But anyway.) Brandon and Nicole's donkey still seems very unhappy. Of course, he's a donkey, so...I don't blame him that much. It's not like he gets to go to the mall, and people probably make a lot of "ass" jokes. Brandon and Nicole are also yelled at with great flair by the farmhouse guy. That guy has really thrown himself into the role of Colorful Local. He may need to be medicated later.

As Chip loads sheep and goats onto the boat, Kim says again that she's not sure she's really doing her part. She chuckles that she probably could have helped lift the goats. "But they were so smelly and funky..." Heh. And yes, she says "funky" in that way that's almost more like "fonky," which is much funnier, because you can't really tell whether the goats smelled bad or were really good dancers. Linda and Karen arrive at the goats, as do Mirna and Charla and the Twinkies. Chip lifts the last goat onto the boat, subjecting the camera to a close-up of goat parts that I don't think any of us really wanted it to capture, especially those of us who use the pause button in recapping the show. Just saying. Anyway, Chip and Kim urge their boat guy to get moving.

Colin and Christie fill up their jug with the second urn they bring back, and their very excitable host claps and hollers and gives them their clue. It tells them to take a marked taxi to the Habu Temple, which Phil explains is a big structure. Thanks, Phil. Colin and Christie leave just as Brandon and Nicole bring back their second jug of water and get the clue and leave. In the cab, Colin speculates that the water task just had to be faster than doing the herding task, and I suspect he's probably right.

Chip and Kim, however, are having a wonderful time crossing the Nile, and Chip is again noting the nature of his trek from South Central L.A. to the Nile. Aw. In an interview, he calls the experience "unbelievable." I like it when people are able to convincingly act happy. "We just feel blessed," he says. Aw. He just got sheep goo all over him for like an hour, and he still feels blessed. Would that we could all be so gracious.

Elsewhere, Karen is loading goats, and Linda is keeping them on board. Charla is trying to convince Mirna to go after little ones. And, of course, with a hearty "honk honk honk honk," the Twinkies are teaming up to carry a single sheep, knocking into each other as they do. Karen delivers the moms' last sheep, and they get to leave. Good show, ladies. Charla, on the other hand, is trying to get the sheep to stay on the boat by screaming at them as loudly as possible. "Mirna, I'm scared of them!" she yells. Mirna brings another sheep over. "Mirna, wait!" Charla whines. "This one is the bad one," she says angrily, indicating one particular sheep. The camera then zooms in on the Bad Sheep, accompanied by ominous music. (Bad Sheep: "You lookin' at me? Are you lookin' at me? I don't see anybody else here, so you must be lookin' at me.") The Twinkies load up their last one and go. On their boat, a Twinkie is trying not to sneeze as she assesses her position. "The cousins are [sneeze] behind us. I think I'm allergic to...poop," she sniffs. I swear, you could not make these girls up. Nor could you make up Mirna, who is in the middle of telling Charla that she is -- yes, again -- going to die. Specifically, "I'm going to die," she is saying. "You have to hurry up, Mirna!" Charla yells. "Charla, we're so behind," Mirna complains. "Mirnaaaaa!" Charla yells. "I can't stay here forever!" "This is just too hard," Mirna says. "Charla, I'm gonna die." Oh, sure, she says it, but she doesn't mean it.

Commercials. Pepperidge Farm mini-cookies? I don't think so.

Charla and Mirna are still trying to load up the sheep, and as usual, they're more talking about how strong they are than actually being very strong. "MIRNA MIRNA COME BECAUSE THEY'RE GONNA RUN OUT!" Charla shrieks. Finally, they get the last one loaded and leave, which is a good thing, because I don't think I could take much more of that.

We then see Lance and Marshall arrive at the goats, with Lance talking about how Marshall's legs still hurt. In case you missed it. "I have enough energy for the both of us," Lance voices over as he loads sheep. They finish and leave, with Marshall talking about how proud he is of Lance for being so...whatever...valiant, I guess.

Chip and Kim deliver their sheep to the shepherd on the other side of the Nile, who gives them their clue. So it's the Habu Temple for them now as well. Speaking of which, here come Colin and Christie, pulling up to the temple as we speak. They run to the clue box and pull the Roadblock. Phil explains that in this Roadblock, they'll be playing with a little archeology. They'll go to an area of sand with corded-off squares, and in one of the squares, they'll dig until they find a "scarab," which is a stone carving of a beetle. When they turn in the scarab, they'll get the clue. The clue says it requires "keen eyes and a lot of patience." So, because he's the king of patience (snerk), Colin takes it. As they run to the site, Colin asks Christie, "A scarab, what's a scarab? Is that a sword?" Actually, I think a scarab is...Jesus! He gets into the sand and picks something up. "Is this it?" he wonders. "That's a rock," she says gently. Heh. "This could take hours and hours," he says presciently.

Linda and Karen get the Habu Temple clue just as Brandon and Nicole arrive at the Roadblock. They agree that Brandon will do the Roadblock. They approach the site. "What in the heck is a scarab?" Brandon asks Colin and Christie. They don't answer. He tells Nicole he doesn't know what a scarab is, and she basically tells him that whatever he finds, they'll look at.

In the Chip/Kim cab, he laments how smelly his hands are from the sheep. Heh. Linda and Karen, meanwhile, know that Chip and Kim are ahead of them. Behind them are the Twinkies and Charla and Mirna. Speaking of which, the Twinkies are getting their clue. Chip and Kim rip the Roadblock, and I think she's clearly been talking about how she feels like she should be doing more, because he says in a voice I read as very supportive, "Lots of patience...that's you, you're finally doing one."

Brandon asks God to help him find the scarab. (God: "God helps those who help themselves build their vocabulary.")

Back at the river, Charla and Mirna get the Habu Temple clue.

Kim digs into the Roadblock, joining Colin and Brandon. "Do you guys know what a scarab is?" Colin asks. Chip and Kim do not. They all dig, and Colin shortly comes up with his carving. He takes the time to stop and show the carving to Brandon and Kim so that they know what they're looking for, which is sort of decent of him. They turn it in for their clue. "Oh, my God, we finally got lucky," Colin says. Christie: "Woo! Good job, sweetheart." Feh. They pull the clue that tells them to go to the West Nile Ferry Port, where they'll hire a water taxi to the pit stop, which is at Crocodile Island, a "lush plantation on the banks of the Nile." Oh, and the last team to check in will be Philiminated. Colin and Christie run down and hop into a boat. "Very fast," she tells the driver.

Marshall and Lance unload their sheep and get the Habu Temple clue. Meanwhile, Linda and Karen get the Roadblock clue and agree that Linda should do it. And out at the dig, Brandon is getting impatient. "Dang it!" he says. Nicole chuckles. "You're doing fine," she assures him. Kim voices over that she was "just digging...and digging...and digging..." Well, you get the idea. She says that she did begin to "get discouraged." Well, yes. I don't blame her, really. "Hey, Booby," Chip says to her. "Start right over here." He points to a new spot. I like the fact that Brandon calls Nicole "baby," and Chip calls Kim "Booby." It just goes to show you how good relationships get goofier as you get older. Just then, Nicole notes the arrival of Linda and Karen. The Twinkies get there, too, and Karli (I think) takes the task. And still, everyone is milling around wondering what a scarab is. Is it that mysterious? Does no one know? Sigh. Karli pulls a piece of something out of her little sorting tool. "Is that piece of poop, dried?" she asks in horror, then flings it. She's poopophobic, I think. As Mirna and Charla discuss who's going to do it, Charla says it partly depends on how Mirna's eyes are, and asks if she has her glasses. Mirna says she does. Not that she puts them on.

"Please, Lord," Brandon pleads, somewhat desperately. "Be praying for me, Nikki." "I am, baby," she says good-naturedly. "I've been praying this whole time." (God: "Less praying! More digging!")

Digging ensues. Chip and Kim find the scarab and scurry off, trying not to show it to anyone. Charla runs along, trying to peek at it. "It's a rock or something," she tells Mirna. Well, now she won't have any trouble. Brandon says "dang it" again. Chip and Kim get their clue and take off. "Dig!" Charla yells at Mirna. "Dig your ass over!" What does that even mean, "dig your ass over"? Over what? Never mind. I don't want to know.

Chip and Kim are running away from the Roadblock, and Kim interviews that she feels good about having finally done a Roadblock. She feels more like she's contributing now, and that's good. On the boat to the pit stop, she seems to be working the map, also, so I think she's probably been underestimating her own significance to her team. Love them.

Brandon continues digging in the sand as Nicole watches unhappily. He apologizes (baby) to Nicole, and she reassures him that (baby) it's not his fault. He voices over that he has "an issue with insecurity," and says that Nicole tends to make him "believe in [him]self." She assures him that he's "doing terrific," and not to worry. Elsewhere, Karen comments -- logically enough -- that the scarab will probably turn up in the "last place [they] look." Well, sure. Because...well, it's an old joke. Mirna is still digging, too, and KamiKarli is telling KarliKami that she has some kind of spidey sense that the scarab is in a particular spot. And these chicks' instincts, as we know, are highly reliable. KarliKami is digging with her hands, which I would think is indeed the way to go, and she manages to be the one to pull out the scarab. Oh, sure, now their powers kick in. "She found it," Charla says miserably. And Brandon says "dang it" again. "Yes! Yes!" says a fist-pumping Twinkie as she receives her clue. So now, it's off to the pit stop. But first, one of them manages to fall directly on her face in front of a bunch of local kids, I believe, who hoot in appreciation.

"Charla, I'm digging my heart out!" Mirna insists. Karen points out to Linda an entire part of the square that she hasn't dug yet. Among other things, I think Linda is digging too deep and almost too thoroughly -- the scarab appeared to be right under the sand, and Linda's essentially digging a flat-bottomed pit that's several inches deep. Furthermore, this forces her to move a ton of sand, meaning that she's building a huge mountain behind her, and I think most people watching this were seized with the worry that the scarab was under the huge pile. I certainly was.

Nicole continues encouraging Brandon. Mirna continues digging, and makes herself the second person to ask God to help her find the scarab. Digging, digging, digging. "Dig!" Charla orders. At long last, Brandon uncovers the scarab, and he and Nicole are off. So now, it's just Linda and Mirna, digging to China. Mirna whimpers as Charla tells her to just concentrate on finding it. "I can't believe this, I'm so mad," Linda says, near tears. "I quit," she finally says. Mirna complains some more, specifically taking objection to being asked to speed up. "Okay, Charla, I'll go a little faster after I carried those damn sheep." It's a good thing she never tells Charla to hurry up, or she would certainly look like a big dope right about now. Charla says sharply, "It is going to be a long night, Mirna." The music intensifies. Aaaand, fade to black!

Commercials. I am so tired of David Spade, I cannot tell you. TIRED. To the point of EXHAUSTION. ["Oh, you can tell me. And please do. Anytime you want. Hate!" -- Sars]

We return to the Big Dig. (No, not the boondoggle -- the Roadblock.) At long last, Mirna unearths the scarab. "Ohh, finally," Charla moans listlessly. "How the hell did she find it and I can't?" Linda wonders aloud. "Good job, Mirna, good job!" Charla says as they receive their clue. "Let's get our ass out of here."

On the pit stop boat, Colin is looking through his binoculars. Intensely. "I see the flags, and I see the pit stop, baby. Land ho!" They're so cocky, but the thing is...they've earned it. It's hard to argue. They run up to the pit stop, and the greeter welcomes them to Luxor. Phil informs them that they're team number one. Again. Oh, and the "good news for you" segment has returned, as they've won a trip to "exotic Mexico." Is Mexico exotic? Because...you know, when you're in Texas, where they're from, it's kind of...right there, you know? It's like offering me a trip to exotic Iowa. (Shudder.)

Chip and Kim are approaching the pit stop, and Chip is chattering excitedly, as he does. "Baby, stop trying to get all gussied up, so you can come off the Nile Queen Nefertiti!" he chuckles as Kim fusses with her do-rag. The Twinkies are also in their pit stop boat, taking a moment to appreciate their surroundings. Well, good for them. Maybe if they looked around more, they wouldn't get lost so easily. Brandon and Nicole and Charla and Mirna are similarly winging down the Nile.

Linda, on the other hand, is still in the seventh circle of Roadblock hell, known as the Unending Sand Pit. It now appears that Linda has dug out the entire pit, except for the big mound of sand she's built up in the middle. "You know, if the brothers come and find it in two seconds, I'm going to be pissed."

Speaking of Marshall and Lance -- although it's not clear whether there is any proximity in time between these events -- they're just now reading the Roadblock clue. Lance takes it, since they don't know what it's going to be.

Chip and Kim land on the mat, and are team number two. They smooch. Love!

Linda digs miserably, voicing over that she "just couldn't find it." Marshall and Lance are seen approaching the dig site.

The Twinkies are team number three. That's very impressive, for them. Unsurprisingly, it's mostly the result of good luck.

Linda seems to have started to dig through the hill of sand she had built up in the middle. Marshall and Lance inch toward the Roadblock.

Brandon and Nicole are team number four.

"Where could it be?" Linda wonders as she continues to dig. "Oh, Linda," Karen sighs. Marshall and Lance inch and inch and inch toward the dig site. Interestingly, this took them a long time, because when Lance read the clue, it was mostly light outside, and now it's mostly dark.

Charla and Mirna are team number five. Wow. Fifth out of seven? The other teams must be getting really jealous now. They high-five, and if Mirna does indeed molest Phil again, we at least don't have to watch. And I appreciate that.

Lance and Marshall inch, inch, inch their way toward the dig. "Just keep going," Lance says. "Just keep going." At the sand pit, Linda comes up with the scarab at last. They head for their water taxi in what looks like the late part of dusk.

In full darkness, Lance and Marshall approach the dig, finally. Marshall voices over, as we see Lance dig in the hole, that it was disappointing that they couldn't keep going, because they had competed "pretty easily" up until this point.

Linda and Karen check in as team number six. Linda interviews that they started with no money and made it to the end, and now they're back in it. Have they mentioned that they lost all their money? Okay. Just checking to make sure you were up to speed.

Back at the dig site, Lance takes note that six of the dig squares have already been done, and he throws down the sifter in disgust. "Waste of my time," he says. "Okay, game over, we are done," they say. And then there's some more voicing over about how Marshall was in pain, blah dee blah. Which I'm sure is true, but it's really interesting that until they figured out that they were last, Lance was all, "Just keep going, just keep going." Furthermore, they gave an interview -- yeah, the same one where they talked about how they're nothing like Kevin and Drew because Kevin and Drew were so boring, making it the one in preparation for which they apparently smoked quite a lot of crack -- in which Lance said that if the moms had missed the flight, they might well have lasted another leg. I mean, I get that it's discouraging to be in last, and I wouldn't have blamed Marshall for saying he physically couldn't continue, but that's not actually what happened. What happened is that Lance threw the thing down, saying, "Waste of my time." Joyce was wasting her time with the caviar, too, as many teams have "wasted their time" completing their last task, knowing that they were in last place. But at some point, you do as much as you can because you just do, especially if your alternative is to spit, "Waste of my time."

Phil, some time later, walks to the dig site to meet up with them. "I understand that you guys want to quit," he says. And that's exactly what it is, because if they could walk to the Roadblock, there's no indication that Lance couldn't have at least finished the dig and they couldn't have made it to the pit stop. "We've had enough," Marshall says merrily. "My knees are killing me, so I could not continue." That's interesting, that his absolute inability to continue kicked in when they figured out that they were last. What a coincidence. Phil calls it "a very unusual situation," and says it's the first time they've ever had anyone be "physically unable to check in at the pit stop." He goes on to tell them that they'd be last, so they'd be eliminated anyway, so they're out. And seriously? Good riddance.

There's a lot of voicing over about how much they appreciate each other, which is fine, because they have apparently had the same level of interest in this whole thing from the beginning -- namely, none. They haven't managed to enjoy anything they've done, they've worn those goddamn advertising shirts and hats every damn day, they've been jerks to everyone, they aren't funny, and to top it all off, they quit. Yeah. This is what happens when you cast people for something like this without regard to whether they really want to do it. When you cast people who don't want to be there except to get the name of their business on television, it shows in every single thing they do. It shows in their sour, bored demeanor, it shows in their contempt for the locals and the countries they're visiting, it shows in their relationships with other teams, and it shows in their basic indifference. I don't care if they want to cast models or actors or people who are pretty -- some of those kinds of teams have turned out to be entertaining and cool. But I wish they wouldn't cast people who are going to act bored and put-upon, because that's seriously the biggest buzzkill of all.

Funniest moment of the episode? Marshall praising Lance for the fact that there's "no quit in him." Yeah. Except for the part where he just quit. "Waste of my time," indeed.

Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.

week: The easily-disgusted Mirna busts out with "Bitch!", Nicole tangles with the locals, and the happy Chip and Kim are just cruising.