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Credits. I think that tiger is left over from the first season. He must be getting hungry, because given his excessively calm demeanor at the time, I doubt he's mustered the chutzpah to eat anyone since then. Which is not to say I advocate the eating of monks. [BOMP.]
Commercials. I'm sorry, but the theory of camp requires that the number of layers of cheese be odd, not even. Rob Lowe plus Vegas is thus not acceptable. A Charo cameo, however, would rapidly bring things back into balance, provided nothing further, like a theme by K.C. and the Sunshine Band, is added.
We zoom back into San Carlos de Bariloche, which the music would have you believe is a major center for the manufacture of blaring horns. Phil explains, while looking oddly uncomfortable as Mirna stands off camera threatening to lick his neck, that we are at the third pit stop. And what are we here to do? Eat! (Look! Charla and Mirna are going through the buffet line, and no one is helping them!) Sleep! (Look! Brandon and Nicole are baking in the sun, really suffering through this harrowing experience!) Mingle! (Look! Colin is lecturing the room and everyone is pretending to care!) Phil wonders whether Chip and Kim will ever find their way out of last place, and whether Brandon and Nicole will keep making alliances that are mutually opportunistic and transitory. Those bastards. When will they learn that there's no "I" in "win"? There's a great shot of Brandon here accompanied by some snake-like music, but...the guy is just not threatening. It's the hair. It's like he's the evil King Mophead the Mellow, and he's here to surf the crap out of you.
3:10 AM. Colin and Christie, working the dorky headlamps. You know, I got one of those as a gift last year, and I primarily thought of it as a funny gift, until I managed to come across it during a power outage. I now think of it as having been an awesome gift, which everyone should own, in the event you ever have to go spelunking in your own closet. They rip the clue, and it tells them to find the battleship Aurora in St. Petersburg, Russia. Yikes. Phil explains, however, that this isn't all. First, they will have to drive themselves into town and travel 20 hours by bus -- 20 hours by bus -- to Buenos Aires, and only there will they get flights out. That's 8000 miles by plane, by the way, after the bus ride. Which is 20 hours. C'mon, everybody, sing! "Three million bottles of beer on the wall, three million bottles of beeeer..." Okay, maybe not. Once they're in St. Petersburg, they'll find the battleship to get the clue, if they can still remember to do so, considering that they'll be arriving in Russia in approximately a year and a half.
After Christie comments happily that they're "going to Russia," she voices over that starting out in first place is a good deal, and that to stay in first, they'll need to be "the team that makes the least amount of mistakes." Well, we'll just have to hope they're not the team that has the fewest determination and skill. They drive through the darkness. You know, intensely.
3:21 AM. Charla and Mirna are giddy about going to St. Petersburg, which they express by fist-pumping and yelling to the camera in unison, which has a Disney Channel vibe I'm kind of not digging. Excitement is good, but don't say it into the camera, goofs. As they're leaving, Charla talks with the heavy burden of noble sacrifice about how she and Mirna had to "defend [them]selves" in the last leg because Marshall and Lance were "attacking" them. Yes, that's just how I remember it. It definitely had nothing to do with Mirna butting into other people's conversations, adopting a sense of entitlement that would choke Martha Stewart, or generally being the biggest pain in the rear since carbuncles. As they get in their Jeep, Mirna explains that, "being a lawyer," she has to "deal with despicable human beings on a constant basis." I tried to think of something witty to say here on behalf of my profession, but after careful consideration, I'm going with, "Takes one to know one."
3:54 AM. Brandon and Nicole. He says with some relish that they're headed for St. Petersburg. Relish, that is, rather than squeak. Nicole voices over as they leave that although they're Christians and love "to share [their] love of the Lord with other people," that when you're talking about winning, she's going to be "as ruthless as [she] can possibly be." And I was so glad she said that, because seriously, nothing makes me happier than hearing someone admit that liking God and being a good person really have nothing to do with refraining from competing hard in a game, which this ultimately is. It's a game, exactly like football, or chess, or Jeopardy!, and playing hard -- including specifically attempting to advance yourself at the expense of other people -- has really nothing to do with being a person of good character, any more than Ken Jennings is a bad person for ringing in before other people get a chance. He may be some sort of evil alien automaton, of course, but that's different from being a bad person. Actually, Alex Trebek might be, too. Do you suppose they're in it together?
“ I also strongly suspect her of being the kind of lawyer who throws in an unnecessary 'hereinafter' now and then so you don't forget you are speaking to a real live lawyer. ”
At 4:22 AM, Bob and Joyce leave. He comments that he's happy that they've "knocked off a couple strong, young teams," and he's hoping to "knock off a few more." So if you're a strong, young team, my advice would be that you duck, because Bob is on the prowl. He has rollerblades, and he's not afraid to use them.
At the Bariloche bus station, Colin and Christie are the first to arrive. They go inside, with Mirna and Charla not far behind them. Inside, Colin finds himself a guy and asks him in Spanish whether he works there. The guy confirms that he does. Colin tells him about their need to get to Buenos Aires, and the guy answers him in Spanish, explaining about when the first bus leaves. Mirna, whose Spanish we already know is at the advanced "boat stop-ay" level, butts in all, "C'est posible" Never mind that this is not Spanish. Colin takes offense at the intrusion into his conversation, and he says somewhat incredulously, "Can you not see me talking to this person right now?" And really, it's not that Colin owns the guy, but the guy was in the middle of a conversation with Colin, and as rude as it is to interrupt a guy like that, it's really even a little bit worse when you interrupt him in a different language than the one he was speaking. Nevertheless, Mirna smiles her pinched, oily little smile, and she says, "I do, but I'd like to speak to him, too, he's the only person here." I am so tired of that incredulous face she always makes, like she cannot believe how stupid (and, of course, disgusting) everyone else is. She's just one of those lucky people, I think, who is not cursed with self-awareness.
As Colin now points out, there are hours to go before anything's happening, so Mirna doesn't necessarily have to talk to the guy at the same time that Colin is having this conversation with him. It's not that I think butting in was that big of a deal, especially compared to the rest of the annoyances Mirna brings to the table. It's more that she's so smug and unaware of how she comes across. I also strongly suspect her of being the kind of lawyer who throws in an unnecessary "hereinafter" now and then so you don't forget you are speaking to a real live lawyer. You know, the type who has to write parenthetical numerals. "There were four (4) individuals present." Like we don't know what "four" is without extra help. I hate those people. But anyway, Colin starts to tell Mirna in frustration to "go stand over there," but then he corrects and says that actually, she can stand right where she is, but he'd like to finish his conversation. "I'm going to stay right here; you can do whatever the hell you want to do," she smirks. She is, of course, also one of those women who loves to pretend she's tough because she says tough-girl things like "whatever the hell you want," when in fact, she's just pushy and obnoxious, which is quite a different matter from "tough." ["And who can't distinguish the difference between 'genuinely intimidated by her' and 'rendered incapable of speech by her interpersonal tone-deafness,' since the end result is the same." -- Sars] And by the way, does God like it when you say "hell" like that?
“ Considering that they appear to be about as excited about international travel as most people would be about drinking turpentine, you'd think there might be some other show they could have explored. ”
Anyway, Colin interviews that Mirna "might possibly be the rudest person [he's] ever met in [his] life," and he wants nothing to do with her. That certainly does seem to be an emerging popular viewpoint, doesn't it? I know it's popular in my house. Among...me.
5:04 AM. Twinkies. They announce that they're getting $241 for the leg, and one of them explains in a voice-over as they leave that racing with your twin is hard, because you have the same strengths and weaknesses, and no one to "balance out" those qualities. Ah, yes. It's the notorious "any flag you can miss, I can miss blinder" problem.
5:15 AM. Linda and Karen. You'll be shocked to know that they're all squeaky about going to Russia. One or the other of them voices over that they would rather be somewhere between first and third, because she doesn't like the feeling that they're "playing catch-up every single time." Or else it's that they "play in ketchup every single time." It's probably the first one. I don't really see that brand of kink in them.
5:17 AM. Chip and Kim. Again, there is excitement at the prospect of Russia, and then Chip tells us as they march determinedly off the mat that they are "tired of being bottom-feeders." "We need to run the perfect race," Kim adds. Well, not the perfect race, but perhaps a better leg, as you are rapidly running out of teams that obligingly step in and screw up slightly more than you do. "Brrrrump!" the music agrees with me.
Linda and Karen begin to worry that they might be going the wrong way as they head away from the pit stop. Brandon and Nicole, on the other hand, are successfully arriving at the bus station, the third team to do so. Just behind them are Bob and Joyce, then the Twinkies.
5:34 AM. Marshall and Lance. Unsurprisingly, they don't react to the news of Russia, except in Marshall's case to grouse, "Get the winter gear out." Gosh, they always just seem so darn happy just to be here, don't they? I mean, even if they're Philiminated, they've at least taken the time to fully appreciate the experience, if by "appreciate" you mean "bellyache about." Considering that they appear to be about as excited about international travel as most people would be about drinking turpentine, you'd think there might be some other show they could have explored, but I suppose they're a little too hairy for The Swan. Marshall (I think) voices over that in their normal, day-to-day lives, they argue all the time, but in the race, they've "agreed on everything." Including, apparently, the appropriateness of yelling "Bitch!" out of a car window. Apparently, he has not yet figured out that distancing himself from Lance is his only shot at redemption. And, probably, happiness.
“ If somebody other than Colin had decided to investigate another option, would that person have been obligated to go and inform Colin and allow Colin and Christie to go ahead of him, even if it meant he couldn't even get the better option that he himself had discovered? Of course not. ”
Chip and Kim, as usual, are a little lost looking for the bus station. Thus, Marshall and Lance are the sixth team to get to the bus station, and Linda and Karen are seventh. Chip and Kim? Bottom-feeders. In what I'd say may be a harbinger of things to come, when Lance and Marshall get to the bus station, one of them walks over and low-fives Colin, so I think what you're about to see didn't come out of nowhere. When everyone is assembled, it is noted that everyone is waiting in line for the same ticket window, in order of when they arrived. How orderly of them. They're the best behaved group of children at Amazing Gymboree.
At 6:00 AM, as the teams note that the counter at El Valle (the bus line they're all waiting for) will open at 7:30, we see Colin asking his mysterious bus station source whether there's a schedule available for one of the other bus lines -- which the other teams would have never predicted they should investigate, considering that it says, in big letters on the window, "A Buenos Aires." Oy. Based on how dark it is outside, I suspect this actually is part of his original conversation with that guy before most of the rest of them got there, but we see it stuck in here anyway. At any rate, the guy tells him that Via Bariloche (the alternate bus company) has a bus that leaves three hours later than the El Valle bus everybody is in line for, but arrives at the same time, because it doesn't stop as often. They do kind of a cruel thing by subtitling the guy to say "it has less stops," which is hardly fair, because I don't think he has the same grammatical limitations as Christie. Colin explains that the first bus left at 9:30 in the morning and got to Buenos Aires at 7:30 the morning, while the second bus left at noon, but also got to Buenos Aires at 7:30 the morning. He claims that in addition to being faster, this second bus was "much, much more comfortable." At 7:00 AM, a half-hour before the El Valle counter is going to open, the Via Bariloche counter opens, and Colin casually strolls over toward it, trying not to attract attention and failing miserably. "Follow Colin and shut up," Marshall mutters, as Charla and Mirna turn to watch as well. I'm actually not convinced they're following Colin just because Colin moved -- I'll bet you Colin told Marshall what he was doing, because as I said, I think Colin had the bead on this from the beginning. Seeing Colin and Lance leave, everyone else jumps up in turn and follows Colin over toward the other counter. Bunch of damn sheep. BAAAAAA! "Let's keep the numbers," Bob says. "Yes, keep the numbers!" Joyce agrees.
Look, I like Bob and Joyce a lot, but "keep the numbers" is such horseshit. If somebody other than Colin had decided to investigate another option, would that person have been obligated to go and inform Colin and allow Colin and Christie to go ahead of him, even if it meant he couldn't even get the better option that he himself had discovered? Of course not. This wouldn't even have been an issue, except that the person who investigated the new bus happened to be first in line for the old bus, which gave them all the silly idea that Colin was just moving the line from one bus to the other. It's nice that they were all waiting politely for the first bus, but if you want to do something besides stand in the line you're in, you take your chances. I think part of my annoyance with a lot of these teams this season is this expectation that rather than actually maneuvering to gain an advantage, they'll just try to reach agreement that everyone will be equally passive and no one will try to slip past anyone else, and anyone who does will suffer the shame of being revealed to have bad manners. Which is boring, stupid, and antithetical to the whole "race" concept. In short? Shake a tail feather, people. This is not the line to be seated for a seven-course dinner at The Snooty Horse-Riding Country Club of Impeccable Pedigree.
“ Who appointed Colin and Christie to let Brandon and Nicole pass a bunch of other people when it has no effect on them? Stand up for yourselves, you nimrods! BAAAAAA! ”
Unfortunately, Colin feeds this silliness (of course, it's no skin off his nose and increases his air of authority) by saying, "If we can buy tickets, do y'all just want to do it in the same order?" Which...I mean, think about how absurd that is. It's none of his business in what order the rest of them buy tickets, because he's at the front of the line. He is literally the one person with no dog in this fight, and there he is, blowing his little gym teacher's whistle and telling everybody what the rules are. Of course, several of the other teams are all, "Oh, sure, same order!" Christie invites Nicole and Brandon, who were standing in third place in the El Valle line and are in what looks to be the back of this line, to step up in honor of their third-place status. Whatever. These people are all such wimps. Why are they letting Colin and Christie be the Popular Steadies and the King and Queen of the Line? Who appointed Colin and Christie to let Brandon and Nicole pass a bunch of other people when it has no effect on them? Stand up for yourselves, you nimrods! BAAAAAA!
Mirna now comes in with her very special theory: "We were actually the first people in line." Excuse me? The first people in what line? You were not. Not the first at the old line, not the first at the new line. So shut up. Lance: "Don't talk to me!" Again, the very difficult battle of Lance versus Mirna. What to do, what to do. Now, one of the Twinkies pipes up, "Are we all going to respect each other's order or not? Because [we're] tired of being pushed back!" I'm sorry, did she say respect each other's order? And if so, was she being ironic? Respect each other's order, my ass. And, not to open old wounds, but this is kind of the same way I felt about the Esquire griping about Guido passing them inside the Pantheon at the kitty statue. You wait in line to get inside -- that's the line, and that's what the line is for. Once you've gotten inside, the line ceases to exist, because a line is only for the thing it was for when it was established. The reason you're being "pushed back" is that it didn't occur to you to look for the other bus line's schedule, and then you didn't watch carefully enough to follow Colin and Christie as soon as most of the other people did. So cram it. Lance says, quite correctly (which makes me disoriented), that it's not like you can preserve the line in amber like a prehistoric mosquito. "What, we're going to maintain that order throughout the whole day?" And I'm not going to say, "Word, Lance," because it will cause me to go into shock and my throat to close up and my knees to buckle, but suffice it to say...yes. Chip has worked his way up to the front of this line, and Bob gives a disdainful, "You're not kidding anybody, Chip." Why would Chip be trying to kid anybody? Does Bob think Chip is hiding the ball about trying to get ahead by working his way up to the front of the line while the rest of them bicker over where they're going to stand? Because I'd think that the title of the fucking show would sort of give that tricky plan away.
“ I wouldn't go see that movie unless there was a part in it where she got eaten by a bear. ”
Mirna and Christie get into it a little, as Christie says she's giving no credence to Charla and Mirna having "cut in front of [her]" at some point. She adds that she's "not willing to do [them] a favor," either. Mirna gets out her Pointing Finger (Christie does get a lot of the Fingers in her face) and demands, all pointy-like, "Have you ever done anybody in your life a favor? To do us a favor? You hate us." Mirna, of course, acts like Christie hates her for no reason, even as she gives everyone standing around her additional reasons to despise her. Christie is incredulous at being challenged on whether she has ever done anyone a favor in her entire life, but Mirna isn't finished. "We have God, and we have ourselves! We don't need a favor from you!" See, there it is again. "We" don't need a favor...and yet there "we" are, trying to gain an unfair advantage to make up for the fact that "we" didn't think of checking out the other bus, so now "we" are screwed. And for some reason, I was inclined to put in a "God called, and He said He wants his [blank] back" joke here, but I got lost in the middle, and can think of nothing but, "God called, and He said, 'Where was your faith in Me when you were asking for a doctoro?'" Shut up, Mirna.
The reaping of what Mirna just sowed begins in earnest as Colin decides to buy four sets of tickets for the bus, in order to "ensure that Mirna and Schmirna would not be on the same bus" that he and Christie were on. And honestly, as much as I'm generally not into the group ticket buying, he gets a pass from me on this, because yes, it is twenty damn hours on a bus, and Mirna is genuinely one of the most irritating people I have ever laid eyes on, and I would rather be set upon by fire ants than spend twenty hours on a bus with her. I don't even think this is about screwing her in the race; I think this is about her having just been completely rude to Christie, and his not wanting to have to share close quarters with her. Also, Colin likes to feel like he's building up chits with various teams he might seek help from later, just as he did when he was leading people to the airport last week. And buying tickets for four teams fills up the bus, so that's what he does. Colin chooses to give the other tickets to Marshall and Lance, Brandon and Nicole, and Chip and Kim. Oh, Mirna. Who needs a favor now, dearie?
Mirna now does another of her routines for the camera. Surprisingly, it turns out that she has no regrets. "I am so happy to not see that criminal's face for a while," she smirks, because being edged out of the better bus was totally her plan all along. "I can't stand criminals," she adds. Yeah, criminals. Wow. That is one unique set of values Mirna has working for her. It's like a movie trailer: "In a world...where Colin buying tickets for Brandon and Nicole is 'criminal,' but Brandon and Nicole buying tickets for Mirna last week would have been perfectly fair...a world where touching someone else's backpack is 'disgusting,' but it's all right to go on television and declare other people to be criminals because you don't like them...into this world comes a woman, her cousin, and thousands of angry fans with pitchforks." I wouldn't go see that movie unless there was a part in it where she got eaten by a bear.
“ In the taxi, Brandon explains that they're going to try at the airport not to let on to other people what they're doing. (Creepy Apparition of Mirna That Only I Can See: 'Disgusting!') ”
And here, I am collapsing into Race Theory, which is horrifying. Shut up, it's been almost 100 episodes. For me, that's like forty million pages of recaps, so it's all got to come to something productive. There are no graduate programs in this area, unfortunately.
The Fast But Later bus folks, meanwhile, are back at their travel agency, and are discussing the fact that there is the opportunity for one team, but not more, to get an earlier flight to St. Petersburg than the rest of them. Lance proposes that Colin and Christie should get it, based on their leading role in the way this all developed. The group agrees. At noon, their bus departs, with Marshall briefly interviewing that they feel good about already having tickets in hand that will get them all the way to Russia.
The new and more expressive Amazing Green Line and Amazing Blue Line -- with the former marked "Express" and the latter marked "Local" -- streak across the map to Buenos Aires, with the Express catching up as they approach the city. Somebody has really been tightening up those map graphics, and as dweeby as it is of me, I do really appreciate it. I just wish that on one of Charla and Mirna's flights someday, they'd put the words "God = Co-Pilot" to the line. Anyway, just as the Local and Express lines hit the dot on the map, the music bumps us into Buenos Aires, where the Slow But Early bus is the first to get into town at 7:52 AM. They all run for taxis, and the subtitlers help Mirna out by asserting that she says, "We need to go very fast" in Spanish, when in fact, what she says is, "I need we go fast." See? She even gets favors from the guys in the subtitle department. But she doesn't need them, no sirree! Everybody in taxis.
The Fast But Later bus approaches town, and Brandon says that as they've been on the ride, they've started to wonder whether they have the best possible route to St. Petersburg. The bus arrives in town at 8:03 AM, and the teams jump off and head for taxis. Brandon and Nicole get into a taxi, and when the other three teams go to get cabs, they realize that they're already gone. Of course, this is no violation of anything, unless there was some "we'll all get taxis together" arrangement. In fact, the arrangement between those four teams is already over, considering that as far as we saw, it never consisted of anything except (1) getting on the bus together; and (2) booking tickets together, so that arrangement is complete. Everything they all agreed to do, they've already done. As a couple of mooks once explained to me, you really can't have alliances that last over any substantial period of time, particularly when the travel distances get long. Mutually opportunistic and...oh, never mind. In the taxi, Brandon explains that they're going to try at the airport not to let on to other people what they're doing. (Creepy Apparition of Mirna That Only I Can See: "Disgusting!")
Somewhat along these lines, when he returns to "mix it with the juice" and demands to know why she won't do it -- this being the second time he's brought it up -- she says "because" through clenched teeth. Hee. "Just leave me alone," she snarls. I'm telling you, he was reeeally making it worse. He puts up his hands in an unmistakable gesture standing for the notion that if she won't take his excellent advice of mixing the caviar in with juice, he's not responsible for the consequences. "It's a horrible, horrible idea, by the way -- you'd never hide the taste, all you would do is increase the volume of what she has to choke down. Caviar will not dissolve. Can you imagine the sludge you'd wind up with from caviar mixed with red bug juice? It's like the only way it could be made worse.
At the battleship, Charla and Mirna search for the clue. They're followed by Marshall and Lance. Mirna and Charla find the Detour clue first, and they run off to "hide." Sigh. At first, both teams decide to drink the shot, and as they're leaving, they run into Chip and Kim, whom Marshall or Lance admonishes to watch out for the slippery walkway. Aw. Nice, generous jerk. In her cab, Mirna directs the driver to the Palace of Vodka as Chip and Kim pick the vodka back at the boat. Mirna then admits to Charla that her instinct was the hockey, but she didn't want to be the one deciding what to do. Charla jumps in, saying that she wants to do the hockey too, so they should just do the hockey. In fact, she is eager. "Let's go do the hockey!" she says.
Colin and Christie are still at the restaurant. "What's stopping you right now?" he asks her. "It tastes so bad," she says, starting to get teary. "I know, baby," he says, trying to sound sympathetic. He tells her to take smaller bites. He tells her to close her eyes. He tells her to close her nose. For a guy who didn't think he could do it himself, he sure is full of advice. Why doesn't he assume that what's stopping her is whatever would have stopped him? She starts crying. He comes over and strokes her hair, and he doesn't take off his gloves, which is very unfortunate. Because a guy coming up from behind you with gloved hands near your neck does not cause a feeling of deep and abiding security. He instructs her to take one bite at a time and not think about it. But now, she's got herself worked up, and it's a crisis. "Oh, my God," she says miserably.
After a brief complaint that her ass is too big, Charla manages to get into her hockey gear, as does Mirna. "I feel sooooo protected," Charla gripes. "Thanks a lot, Mirna, for not drinking vodka!" she yells. Who did I just hear saying she wanted to do the hockey? Eh, shut up, you.
There is lots of activity at the Palace of Vodka, where Marshall and Lance take their drinks and get their clue. Outside, they grab a couple of locals who are apparently willing to get them to the Bronze Horseman monument on foot. Oh, beware the unknowing locals. Sigh. Chip and Kim arrive at the palace.
“ I don't care if she was Miss Texas; so far, of all these women, she's the one I find easiest to relate to and easiest to like. Even if her boyfriend is kind of a spaz. Actually, maybe it's because of that. ”
Jaunty and vaguely Russian music of the boop-boop-boop variety follows Mirna and Charla into the goal. Charla has no stick, for whatever reason. "I geeve you keees eef you take eeeeasy," Mirna says in her peculiar version of Russian, which consists of a Bullwinkle-inspired accent. I doubt it's because they want a keees, but if you watch the hockey players here, incidentally, you will see that they do indeed go extremely easy on these two, compared to Brandon and Nicole. These aren't slapshots -- they're just kind of scooping the puck in the general direction of the goal. They're more like passes than they are like shots. That's one thing I don't like about this kind of task: it allows too much fudging by other people. Mercy from third parties is the enemy of the race, as it prevents the Philiminating of the unworthy.
Chip and Kim drink vodka. Elsewhere, Lance is snapping at his locals, telling them to "be honest" about whether they know how to get to the statue, because "it's a race." And...I understand how he feels, but when you don't know where you're going, you kind of have to be a little more polite than that. Just because Julia Roberts said it in Pretty Woman doesn't mean it's not true: you can do whatever you want about directions when you ain't lost. Chip and Kim get a taxi to the horseman. Marshall and Lance, on the other hand, are still lost, and Marshall expresses his opinion that it's stupid to spend a lot of time walking when you could just get in a cab. And I agree. With Marshall. Signs of the apocalypse abound.
So yeah, Chip and Kim are in third place as they pull the restaurant clue and take off in their cab. Not bad.
Back in the hockey goal, Mirna and Charla stop some more extremely easy shots, and they're done. They read the horseman clue. Speaking of the horseman, Marshall and Lance are just arriving there, as Marshall explains that as with some other larger-sized folks, his knees tend to bother him after a while. In fact, at this point, they're "killing" him from all the walking.
Brandon and Nicole arrive at the restaurant. "You've got a taste for the good life, baby, you are Miss Texas!" he says happily. She reluctantly agrees to take the Roadblock. Inside, Christie takes note of the arrival. "Brandon and them are right there," she says. Colin is intense. "Baby, caviar!" Brandon says. "It'll go like that!" Mm-hmm. A key psychological moment comes when Nicole walks into the restaurant and spies the tearful Christie. "Is it gross?" she asks. Christie, puffy and watery eyes filled with sad little tears, says, "Yeah." Nicole tries a bite. "Euuhhh," she says unhappily. "Oh, that's disgusting." "Is it that nasty?" Brandon asks, as a picturesque glob falls unappetizingly off a spoon. (Nice edit, hee.) In a moment I just loved, Nicole says in a very matter-of-fact way, "It's like swallowing...a giant...loogie." It's the way you can't tell she isn't going to say, "It's extremely difficult" rather than something ending in "loogie" that makes it brilliant. I don't care if she was Miss Texas; so far, of all these women, she's the one I find easiest to relate to and easiest to like. Even if her boyfriend is kind of a spaz. Actually, maybe it's because of that.
“ So, you know, when it's him, it's because he can't force it down his throat. But when it's her? She lacks motivation. Ass. ”
Meanwhile, why has Christie put her little winter hat back on? Anyway, she has, and she's crying in earnest now, with Colin hovering behind her, giving her hugs. I guess the problem I have with all this support he's giving her is that it feels false to me. It feels like he's not supporting her to support her; he's supporting her as strategy to make her eat the caviar. It reminded me of Ian being all, "I love you! Come on!" She cries, he gives her hugs...it's unfortunately turned into a big psych-out, and I don't really think he was very helpful. I realize all psychology is armchair, but if anything, I think his hyped-up persona was her enemy at this point.
Commercials. My local news wants to teach me how to make my own laundry detergent. Yeah, I don't know.
We return to find Christie still weeping over her fish eggs. And now Colin is across the table staring at her. Actually, glaring at her. Nicole, meanwhile, is poised with her spoon, saying, "Holy moly." Hee. Christie apologizes to Colin, who is helpfully sitting with his hand over his eyes, looking like this entire situation is completely catastrophic, which is the opposite of what's needed, I'd say.
Charla and Mirna read the restaurant clue. "It would be nice to have dinner, [Phyllis], we're starving," Mirna notes in the cab.
At the restaurant, Nicole puts down her spoon. "I'm full," she protests. Yeah, that's not gonna work. It's kind of like your mom and peas -- you can't stop eating just because you say you're full. And you're not going to hide two pounds of caviar in your napkin, either. "I don't think anybody's going to be able to do this," Brandon says, looking at the way the women are struggling. "I do. I think everyone's gonna do it," Colin seethes. "If you have the motivation to do it, you're gonna get it done." So that's a nice backhanded slam on his crying girlfriend made to other people right in front of her, especially coming from a guy who already announced that he wasn't sure he could force it down his throat. So, you know, when it's him, it's because he can't force it down his throat. But when it's her? She lacks motivation. Ass. He glares at her from across the table as she looks at him pleadingly. He has now given her all the support she is getting, and she will get no more, because now she just lacks motivation and he has had it, hear me? Had it!
In the Chip and Kim cab, he talks about how he wants to get to the front of the pack and get out of last place. "The way we're going to do it is on the Roadblocks," he says. They pull up to the restaurant. She immediately gives him the Roadblock. Hee. Yeah, I would give it to him, too.
“ Nicole, in particular, is watching the caviar drop off the spoon, which is really not what you want to do. Just as when you're up on a high wire you don't want to look down, when you're trying to eat this much caviar, it's a very bad idea to play with it. ”
Colin is inside, doing his head-in-hand freaked-out thing again. "Oh, my God," he says in despair, "they're here." Christie is now sitting across from him with her hands folded, looking down at the caviar, psyched out beyond reason. Chip comes in and looks at the bowl. "What is that...all of this?" Looking dismayed but grimly determined, he sits down and takes a giant bite, which he chases with a gulp of juice, trying not to taste it going down. Bite, gulp. Christie and Nicole stare at him miserably. Bite, gulp. "You've gotta just do it," Colin whispers to Christie. "You make it sound so simple," she says in frustration. He lifts his hand off his temple in disbelief. "It's that simple," he says. "You cannot quit." Which is easy for him to say, considering that, again, he very nearly made her do it on the theory that he couldn't, so it's not like he has to put his money where his big fat mouth is. Seriously, having already specifically declined to put up, the least you can do is shut up. Apparently, if she had left it to him, they might still be sitting here at the table tomorrow, so there you go.
Chip bites and gulps. Marshall and Lance are arriving outside, and Lance takes the Roadblock. He claims that he'll be bolting the caviar in "about thirty seconds." But as soon as he puts it in his yap, he says, "Oh, my God." Well, exactly. Think twice, talk once, bud. Outside, Charla agrees to do the Roadblock for her team. When she says she hates caviar, Mirna tells her to "shut up." More of the remarkable abuse of the eaters by the non-eaters. Unbelievable. Speaking of which, Colin is now pacing in front of Christie and rubbing his chin, which I'm sure is helping her relax quite a lot, and when he hears Mirna and Charla, he says. "Oh, my God, Mirna and Schmirna are here." Is he going to announce every arrival with "oh my God"? Because I really don't think that's helping Christie. Chip eats. Charla eats. Lance eats. Chip eats. And eats. And eats. "Dude, I can't believe how quick you're gettin' through that," says Lance, eyeing Chip's progress. And not that I'm the first woman to say this to Lance, but...yeah, take note, Mr. Thirty Seconds. ["Ew." -- Sars] Chip finishes his caviar, and he and Kim are out of there in first place. Nicole and Christie? Still staring at the bowls.
Chip and Kim's clue tells them to choose a sleigh outside the restaurant and go to the pit stop. Phil explains that said pit stop is located at Catherine's Palace. And the last team to check in? Will be Philiminated. Chip and Kim get in a sleigh and leave. He talks on the ride about thinking they're in first place. "You think so?" she says. "I think so, Booby Cooper!" I don't know what a "Booby Cooper" is, but that was cute anyway.
More caviar-eating by Charla and Lance, and not so much by Nicole and Christie. Nicole, in particular, is watching the caviar drop off the spoon, which is really not what you want to do. Just as when you're up on a high wire you don't want to look down, when you're trying to eat this much caviar, it's a very bad idea to play with it. Colin has returned to watching Christie with his head in his hand. "I'm sorry, Colin, it's not easy," she says. He leans back and strokes the back of his head, because he's freaking out and needs to make a large show of it, which is exactly how people who announce their "intense" natures generally are. "Oh, my God, I can't take it. I can't take that," he says. "Just eat!" he grunts angrily at her. "Just eat!" Mirna brags loudly, "She's the strongest of the women here," which...what a jackass, seriously. Not "you're the strongest," but "she's the strongest," so it's not encouragement, it's just fucking mean, and it's crowing over an accomplishment that isn't even hers. The fact that she thinks touching someone else's backpack reflects on your character, and what she just did doesn't? Yeah, that tells you just about everything you need to know about her, forever and ever, amen.
"I hate that woman," Colin says of Mirna, getting up again for some more pacing. (Word.) "We gotta get out of here," he growls. "We gotta get out of here." He tells Christie she's "so close," and she appears to be ready to take another stab at it. And speaking for myself, I personally chalk this up to her own competitive drive, which looks to be considerable, rather than the endless stream of badgering. She returns to eating, and manages to choke it down. Bite. Bite. Bite. You can actually see her trying to keep it from touching the inside of her mouth any more than necessary. Colin looms over her, stroking his chin, as she finishes the last bite. Man, I despise looming. There is nothing -- NOTHING -- that creeps my ass out like men who loom. If you ever see me physically backing up into walls when you're talking to me, it's because you're looming. I have this thing about...looming. Bleh.
Where was I? Oh, yes, Christie and Her Looming Boyfriend. Marshall and Lance clap for her. Aw, that was nice. What? It was. "Oh, God," an exhausted Christie says, leaning back in her seat as if she's just been bitten by a poisonous sake. Or, actually, ravaged quite delightfully. It's surprising how much similarity there is between those looks. Uh, I've heard.
Christie is still all sniffly as Colin reads the clue and they leave. Mirna continues to harangue Charla. "Concentrate on what you're doing. Put the damn thing in your mouth. Shove it." Entire North American Continent: "YOU SHOVE IT, HARPY." Charla eats. Nicole? Not so much. "Ugggghh," she moans.
Chip and Kim arrive at the pit stop palace. She runs toward it, but he lags behind. "Oh, the caviar! The caviar!" he calls unhappily as he runs behind her. Hee. I love Chip. And yes, that stuff was nasty, you can tell. Chip is a big guy, and you can tell it just about laid him out as well. They climb a long set of steps and arrive on the mat, where Phil is waiting with the greeter. "Welcome to Pushkin, Russia!" the greeter says. Phil tells them that they are team number one. They "woo!", and Chip gives Phil a big hug. Okay, seriously, people, the handling of Phil has got to stop. Don't make me talk to all of you about boundaries. I will admit that Phil looks delighted, though. Hmm. Maybe he doesn't get enough love. Chip interviews about how great it feels to be number one at last.
“ Note to future task planners: Please ensure that the gross food isn't going to cause convulsions, because this really isn't all that much fun. ”
And then, we are looking at a truly horrifying shot of Lance shoveling caviar into his yap. Man, that is gross. I didn't really need a guided tour of his nostrils. And why is his caviar green when everyone else's caviar is black? I don't really want to know the answers to these questions, I don't think. Nicole still looks...well, coincidentally, she looks green also. "I just feel so sick," she says. Brandon comes around behind her with a glass of water. She, however, crawls off her chair and curls up on the floor with her head on her backpack. "I feel like I'm about to pass out." And yes, when I first saw that, I was eye-rolling, because...I mean, it's food, so suck it up, girlie, and all of that. But then we looked up the nutritional information suggesting that two pounds of caviar contains as much salt as you should have in a week. A week. It's about two tablespoons of salt, which is one more tablespoon than the old wives' tale would tell you is appropriate to induce vomiting. Not to mention about 2800 calories (probably twice as much as these women usually eat in a day) and 180 grams of fat (four or five times what they probably usually eat in a day). Could that make you sick? Oh hell yes. Pile it on top of sleep deprivation, a twenty-hour bus ride, and a murderously long series of flights that probably already had you dehydrated? I say again, oh hell yes, that could make you sick. Nicole tells Brandon she's "so dizzy," and I believe that, too. "I'm here with you," Brandon tells her.
Lance finishes eating, and he and Marshall leave. Elsewhere, Colin and Christie make their way up the steps to the mat. Phil tells them they're team number two. Colin voices over that he wishes he had chosen to do the Roadblock instead of Christie, but then adds that he doesn't think he could have done it. Well, then, you don't wish you had taken it, do you? He stands around on the mat looking...you know, intense...and Christie's all crying and shit. He actually sounds all choked-up as he says he's "very proud of her." Yeah...you know, she's allowed to cry over the Roadblock. You? You should shut up.
Back to Nicole, curled up on the floor, still talking about how dizzy she feels. Charla finishes the caviar, because she actually is tough and probably deserves to be carefully distinguished from the increasingly awful Mirna, and the two of them leave. "Baby, I don't know if I can do it," Nicole says, as Brandon crouches to her. You can actually see her legs shaking as she lies on the floor and Brandon holds an ice pack against her forehead.
Commercials. Wendy's will give your kid milk now? Where's he supposed to get sugary drinks, school?
Creepy music jangles as we look at Nicole's half-finished bowl of caviar, and then at Nicole, lying on the floor in a heap. And shaking. A concerned Brandon stands over her and says that she's "really sick," and he's thinking she's "literally about to pass out." Note to future task planners: Please ensure that the gross food isn't going to cause convulsions, because this really isn't all that much fun.
“ Mirna goes to hug Phil, and he's all, 'You're going to hug me?' And he didn't really say it with excitement, if you get my drift. ”
Elsewhere, the Twinkies and Moms land in St. Petersburg. They get taxis, each team telling its driver to stay ahead of the other. A Twinkie gives a little talk about how they're friends, but everybody's going to "do what they need to do" anyway. Like...oh, I don't know...CHIP! Hee hee. Snack on that, Twinkie.
And...ew, Marshall and Lance are team number three at the pit stop. How gross. They shake hands, but Lance doesn't look at all well, either.
The Twinkies and Moms arrive at the battleship and search for the clue. Both teams choose the vodka shot and take off in their cabs.
And then, at the airport, we see Bob and Joyce, "currently in last place." They hop in a cab to the ship, and Bob talks in the cab about how it's "within the realm of possibilities" that they're not out of it.
Welcome, Charla and Mirna, you're team number four, blah dee blah. Mirna goes to hug Phil, and he's all, "You're going to hug me?" And he didn't really say it with excitement, if you get my drift.
Bob and Joyce decide to do the hockey.
At the palace, the Twinkies and Moms drink their vodka shots. They get the bronze horseman clue.
Bob and Joyce block five shots. We're moving quickly now, folks, cruising toward the ending, in case you haven't noticed. Bob and Joyce give really cute bows to the guys applauding in the stands on their way out. They really are lovable. They get a taxi to the horse. And at the horse, the Twinkies and Moms get the restaurant clue and leave again.
At the restaurant, Nicole is lying on a sort of an improvised bed made up of chairs and tablecloths. Brandon brings her what looks like it might be some tea, and she sits up and sips. Aw.
The Twinkies speed toward the restaurant, fretting over whether there are teams behind them or not. Similarly, Linda and Karen aren't sure where Bob and Joyce have wound up. Bob and Joyce are, in fact, behind them -- reading the restaurant clue, to be precise. He's hoping that they've "still got a chance."
“ In the sleigh, he says, 'I love you.' 'I love you,' she says back. And then they smooch, which is very impressive, because she's got to be really fishy. ”
Brandon asks Nicole if she wants to just go in again and take a bite and see how she feels. "Yeah," she agrees. Back in the room, Brandon says, "Why don't you try a bite and see how your body responds to it?" Her hand shakes hard as she tries to bring the spoon to her mouth. "You can do it, babe," he says calmly. She takes a bite and then a gulp of water. "Come on, Lord, help her," Brandon says, pacing. Yeah, when somebody's sick and shaking? That's when talking to God is okay. Brandon claps as he says, "You're gonna do it, don't stop." He gives her some sports metaphors about being "at the goal line," and she goes ahead and finishes the caviar. They get the clue, and outside, they have a little high-five, although she does look like she can barely move. In the sleigh, he says, "I love you." "I love you," she says back. And then they smooch, which is very impressive, because she's got to be really fishy. They go up the steps, and are informed that they're team number five. Good thing Brandon angled for that earlier flight. She looks pretty tired and nasty, but smiles as he puts his arm around her. She voices over that he is "so supportive," and she's seeing that their relationship "lifts [her] up." I like them. You know, for the moment. These things are often fleeting.
The Twinkies and Moms peel out of their cars at the restaurant and run inside. Karli and Linda take the Roadblock. Karli seems to take the approach of eating the caviar with some of the available bread, which might be a good idea, except for the sheer volume, which I don't think will support that technique for very long.
Bob and Joyce approach, saying that you never give up, in case somebody else runs into trouble. Sigh.
Kami orders Karli to "control [her] shaking." And indeed, much like Nicole, she's gone into shivers. That's kind of...scary. Nicole and Karli could hardly have both faked shaking, so it looks like eating that, at least for relatively small women, was enough of a shock to the system to cause shaking, which...no, I don't think I like this Roadblock. Who would have expected that I would learn I don't actually want to see harm come to anyone? Linda finishes ahead of Karli, who looks almost as miserable as Nicole and Christie, though perhaps not for as long. In the Mom sleigh on the way to the pit stop, Karen expresses no surprise that they "beat the twins at an eating contest." Snerk. They laugh. They arrive on the mat as team number six, and are really happy. Squeeeeak!
As Karli tries to choke down the caviar, Kami says to her gravely, "You've got to get it down. Time is of the essence." I'm sorry, "time is of the essence"? Wow, thanks, First-Year Contracts Textbook. I'll keep it in mind.
Bob and Joyce, in a cab.
“ She does not feel well, y'all. She is thinking, 'Don't throw up on the mat, don't throw up on the mat, don't throw up on the mat.' Just a guess. ”
Karli, still shaking, finishes her last spoonful. They take off from the restaurant.
Bob and Joyce, arriving at the restaurant. Sniff.
On the way to the pit stop, Karli looks like a corpse as she lies against Kami's shoulder. They climb the stairs to the mat. "You're team number seven," Phil says. "Yay!" Kami says enthusiastically, and she looks over at Karli, who has not reacted even a little, but is standing there in a huddled little ball with her arms crossed. She does not feel well, y'all. She is thinking, "Don't throw up on the mat, don't throw up on the mat, don't throw up on the mat." Just a guess.
Sigh. Joyce eats caviar. Bob talks about what a great opportunity it is when you find a second love. He calls himself "truly blessed." Joyce talks about all the great things that Bob gives her. "Bob completes me," she says, most unfortunately. On the way to the pit stop, she lies against Bob's shoulder as he says, "This is fun. You ever have a sleigh ride?" "No," she answers. She talks about how for some time, she thought she was going to be alone, but now she's not. Because she has several hundred thousand fish eggs in her digestive tract. Oh, wait, no. Actually, she has Bob. They step on the mat and are Philiminated. They have a smooch. Bob says that Joyce is his "second chance." Aw. Bye. Y'all are cute.
Executive producer? Jerry Bruckheimer.
week: Injuries! Bad knees! Holy swooning! Charla underground! Eh, don't get excited. She'll probably come back out.