It's Like Adam Building His First House!

Previously on You Phil My Heart With Gladness: Dodger Stadium. Bad driving. Alps. Windmills. Trains. Stinking. Fish. Mud. Poo. Beethoven. Creaky knees. Champagne. Fighting. Moles. Jumping. Wheezing. Line ethics. More line ethics. Being bleeped. Laundry. Nutbunches, nutbunches, nutbunches! Ultimately, a whole bunch of people fell by the wayside. Team Who dodged repeated bullets and almost exterminated Gidget, but they made it to the final three. Kelly and BuffJon were all "go fuck yourself" and "asshole" and "freak" and "yer mom" and that sort of thing, but they made it to the final three. The Chipsters did not want you to question their integrity, and they experimented with some pretty adventurous stressed-out facial expressions involving muscles you never even knew you had, but they made it to the final three. Phil wore a lot of heartbreaking sweaters. And now? "Tonight, one of these three teams will win..." A new book of the Bible is discovered, and it is entitled, Re: Wicked screensaver! "...The Amazing Race."

Credits. This week's Fun Fact You Can Learn By Zaprudering The Credits With The Assistance Of TiVo: Two words: Skating. Lessons. Just saying. [BOMP.]

Commercials. Ah, the wonderment of childhood. That magic time of mystery and simple truths when you wonder about the really big questions, like how individually wrapped cheese slices can possibly taste so good when the similarly constructed sleeve of a raincoat tastes so bad.

Phil welcomes us to "the tropical north coast of Australia." He assures you that it is "a seaside paradise" (as opposed to last week's very different "seaside playground"), and illustrates this with a shot of a strolling woman who actually looks like she's suffering from an extreme case of seaside ennui. I suppose paradise would get monotonous after a while, what with the lack of challenges. You'd need a hobby. Phil strolls on a beach in his mossy button-down shirt and khakis, explaining that Ellis Beach is the twelfth and final pit stop. We learn nothing of eat/sleep/mingle this time, in favor of extra shots of teams high-fiving on the mat. Because what's more informative and relevant to the narrative than teams high-fiving?

1:47 AM. Team Who, apparently leaving in the general vicinity of some scenic palm trees and a bright, round, low-hanging moon you could slap right into your tourist brochure. They rip and read their clue, which tells them to take what Phil explains will be a twenty-mile drive to the Tjapukai Aboriginal Cultural Park. (That's CHAP-u-kai, roughly, according to Phil's pronounce-over, as opposed to David's cha-POOK-ie, hee hee.) Phil tells us that there, they will participate in a ritual having something to do with fire, and then they'll get their clue. I'm not sure I like the idea of any of these teams coming near fire. I wonder if they could use little flashlights. Anyway, as they run to their car, Jeff interviews that they think they're going to win. "We have performed exactly the way we wanted to," he says. So, all that driving around and all the near-death experiences? Totally in the plan. I have a feeling it's a complex plan with a lot of Wite-Out on the original documents. Jeff also insists that they've "made the least amount of mistakes." I guess he doesn't count using "amount" with "mistakes," I guess. Putting aside the usage issue, this provides the Amazing Editors with a chance at my favorite thing -- one of their ass-kicking edits of Hey, We Didn't Say Anything, We're Just Cuttin' Tape Here. They wisely choose to go directly from this declaration of competence to a shot of Who trying to close the back doors of their SUV, clanging the doors together, and nearly avoiding being caught in the forehead by the kickback. Snerk. On the third try, Jeff gets the doors closed. That was totally in the plan, too.

2:14 AM. Chipsters. They reveal that, again, they're down to one dollar for the leg, so it really has been a case of needing to conserve the funds here at the end. They voice over that they don't think people expected them to get this far, with Reichen adding that people think gay people are "queeny and effeminate," so obviously, there's great ground to be covered by their not acting that way. Of course, one could rain rather heavily on this Yay! Pride Parade by pointing out that there's not exactly a tradition of the gay guys on this show being unable to compete, to say the least, including both the more queeny and effeminate and the less so, but...never mind. ["I still say Chip and Reichen have gone so far to confound viewers' expectations of gay men that they've decided to make a statement by never sharing physical affection, ever, and sleeping with women instead, just to prove their point." -- Wing Chun] Reichen wants people to look at him and Chip and realize gay people can be "strong and prepared." Unlike, I guess, you know, Guido, or Kenny, or Cha-Cha-Cha, all of whom were apparently quite an embarrassment to Reichen. Nice attitude.

Team Who is arriving at the cultural park and noting that the operating hours are 6:00 AM to 6:00 PM, so they're out of luck here. The Chipsters are right behind them.

2:38 AM. Jon and Kelly. She happily notes the operating hours as she reads the clue, and Jon grins and adds, "Doesn't that stink for the boys? Let's go." They take off. Kelly explains in an interview that she can't believe they've made it so far. "Not only do I think that we don't deserve to be here because we're so stupid, but I also think that it's so surreal that there's an actual million-dollar pot at the end." Jon adds, "Our strictest competition is going to be ourselves." "Strictest"? Whapping yourselves on the knuckles with rulers, are you? It's bad enough when teams don't have the English-Korean dictionaries they need, but it's sad when they could use just a regular English-English dictionary as well.

As Jon explains, the ceremony at Tjapukai isn't available until morning, so the teams wind up in a big operating-hours bunch, spending what looks to be a fairly uncomfortably rainy interlude waiting at the gate. Finally, morning comes, as exemplified by the dramatic Yellowish Clouds of Dawn. The obligatory didgeridoo plays as the teams are let in through the fence at just 6:00 AM. They dash together along a path, and wind up sitting through the same ceremony. The ceremony requires a fire, so one of the ceremonial guys sets about making one with friction. That guy may be good at his current job, but I have to say that he would kick everybody's ass on Survivor. Kelly comments that she found it enjoyable to stop for a minute during the madness of the race and enjoy the ceremony itself. It's certainly a fairly dramatic ceremony, as a guy takes a bit of fire onto the end of a stick and shoots it arrow-like through the air across a stretch of water (the place looks to me like a golf course, as much as anything), at which point it lands in a tree. The tree then goes up in what looks to be a pyrotechnically-assisted ball of fire. With this part of the ceremony accomplished and the gimmick being that the fire signals the other guys to bring the clue, another guy now shows up with a container full of envelopes, which the teams remove all at the same time.

The clue tells all of the teams to drive to the general aviation terminal at the Cairns airport, where they'll grab another clue. Everyone bails out of the ceremonial grounds, with Team Who holding a slight lead over Jon and Kelly, and the Chipsters bringing up the rear. "Everyone's on each other's ass," Jeff comments. (Hey, he was at TARcon!) Jon voices over that the Chipsters were trying to get position on him, which won't work because he's from Jersey (oooooh, I'm so scared). Chip then responds in a voice-over that Jon irritates him slightly, mostly by always making jokes when Chip is trying to be serious. Chip claims that this just makes him more determined to "get an edge" by outmaneuvering Jon. In the introduction to one of this week's little subplots, Reichen voices over that he's always "completely petrified" in the back seat when Chip drives the car. In this case, he explains that it was raining, and Chip decided to pass Jon and Kelly. "Be careful on this roundabout," Reichen advises Chip. Just then, as Chip takes a soft turn to the right, he hydroplanes and skids off the road, landing in a ditch facing the wrong way. Kelly gasps from in her car, but when it's pretty clear that all they did was drive off the road, she says to Jon, "Keep going; they're okay." Jon can't help laughing. "I fuckin' knew that was gonna happen," he says, as Kelly advises him to slow down and avoid suffering the same fate. The Chipsters make their way back onto the road, at which point Kelly is impressed to note that they're right back behind them again. "We can't do that again," Reichen says with great gravity from the back seat. "Nope," Chip clips. Yeah. Glad they agreed on that one. They really do think alike. No more wrecking the car!

Still tightly bunched together, the teams arrive at the general aviation terminal. The first to grab a clue is Team Who, and Jeff (of course) says, "Good job, bro." Second are Jon and Kelly, followed by the Chipsters in last place. The clue they grab tells them that it's time for this week's Detour, and the choices are Wing It or Wander It. In Wing It, you go up in a plane and skydive (tied to an instructor) down to your clue. Given how much they will want you to Wing It, you can tell that Wander It will be something very, very undesirable. Indeed, Wander It requires that you walk around a lot and navigate all over the place in a boat and do the Hokey-Pokey and basically remove yourself from the competition. It's not even Reckless/Chicken in the usual sense. It's like Reckless/Dropout. Unsurprisingly, all three teams choose to skydive. The first plane, nicely decked out with shark teeth on the front, takes David and Jeff. As she hops into the second plane, Kelly voices over that Jon likes anything where you get your adrenaline going, but she, on the other hand, found that "[her] stomach was in [her] throat," and she started to get scared. The Chipsters follow in the last plane.

In the Who plane, David voices over that this is the first time either of them has tried skydiving. Apparently, looking out horizontally and seeing nothing but a vast sky full of clouds made David say, and I quote, "Oh, my God." Actually, with the clouds and everything, maybe it may not be so much "Oh, my God," as it is, "Oh, it's my God! Right over there!" In his plane, Reichen says that once he got up in the plane, he just resolved not to be afraid, because he'd "rather be doing this than sitting in the back of that car when Chip is driving." HA! Cute. And accurate. And what very scenic rivulets of sweat those are on Chip's face. Kelly, on the other hand, says that she was doing all right until she looked down and saw how high it was, which made her freak out. One does have to wonder what she was expecting. David is the first actually out of the plane, and he seems to take it pretty well. He screams, "Wooooo!" because that's the law. Kelly, however, is wigged enough that she's rendered imprecise with her use of clichs, and she voices over about the feeling of your stomach being "literally" caught in your throat. Sadly, I think her stomach is teeny enough by this point in the race that she wouldn't even cough if that were true. Jeff drops out of the lead plane . When we return to David, I note that his skydiving instructor (to whom he's so very securely fastened) looks just like Andrew Dan-Jumbo. Maybe he skydives and makes banquettes.

Preparing for the jump, Kelly makes various stressed-out faces, as we hear her voice over that she was "scared to death." "I knew I couldn't do it," she says.

Commercials. I'm sorry, but a medication that cures your aversion to pollen and causes "headache, nosebleed, and sore throat" doesn't sound like a bargain.

David and Andrew Dan-Jumpo are spinning through the air. Their chute opens, and they shoot away from the camera. I guess the camera guy doesn't get a chute. He just falls to the earth, because he's a pro, dammit. Up in the plane, Kelly allows that she was "in panic mode" as they waited for the jump. She says that if the guy had given her much time to think about it, she would have chickened out. Fortunately, he didn't. Kelly and her instructor fall out the door and into the air. Their chute opens, and her skin ripples rather hilariously as she manages a smiley sort of scream. Jon and his guy are right behind her. The Chipsters follow, with Chip actually giving a grin and a big, cheesy thumbs-up as he stands in the doorway. Sometimes, he is every motivational speaker ever, all wrapped up in one guy.

Everyone jumping, everyone screaming, everyone smiling. David points out that the view wasn't bad on the way down, either. Reichen, like Kelly, manages to get some loose skin action going on account of the wind, so I guess he's not entirely made of wax after all. He looks at one point like he's actually trying to close his mouth and stop his cheeks from wobbling, but I would hate to think he was that conscious of the camera. I mean, if you can think about how you look while you hurtle toward the earth in the grip of gravity, you've really reached quite a high level of...whatever that quality is.

There is jumping, smiling, and admiring of the scenery. There's just really not all that much to say. It's a You Are A Prop In A Physics Problem kind of task.

David and Jeff high-five once they are on the ground. There is no hugging, of course, because there is no hugging for Who. In case you haven't been following, the Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters have elevated Team Who's failure to hug to the newest imaginary storyline (in the great tradition of the Secret Love of Rob and Margarita), in which many imagine that Jeff (a.k.a. "Little Who") is the sad little hugger while David ("Big Who") is the mean old non-hugger. It's all very tragic. Shed a little tear. Anyway, once they have most definitely not hugged, Team Who pulls their clue, and they find that their task is to fly to Hawaii. There, they'll get a car and drive to Kaulana Bay, which happens to be the southernmost point in the United States, a fact Phil manages to pronounce as if it is either an internationally sensitive secret or a sex move. ["Oh, Phil. You are dreamy" -- Wing Chun] Team Who runs for a taxi to the airport.

Jon and Kelly land. "You might want to check her pants; I think she mighta taken a leak," he comments chivalrously as Kelly skitters to a stop. You've gotta love a boyfriend who's got respect for your dignity. I wonder whether that one or the "once a week" speech made Kelly happier when she watched the show at home. As the ground guys unstrap Kelly from the gear, she explains to Jon how scared she was. "I started flippin' out," she acknowledges. She adds, however, that after that, it was "awesome." They read the clue. Aw, they're wearing their Texas/Jersey shirts again. I love those. They get a taxi.

Chip lands first. "Where's my boy?" he asks, looking back up at the sky. Reichen lands just behind him, with his legs out in a perfect pike position. He would. As usual, Chip's pronunciation of the clue is all wiggy. They grab a cab. Unlike Team Who and Jon and Kelly, the Chipsters ask for the domestic terminal, rather than international. In the Who car, however, the boys are talking, and Jeff emphasizes that he thinks getting to Sydney is the only way to go. As they walk into the domestic terminal, Jeff notes that he thought that Qantas has a hub in Sydney, so obviously, you'd have the most options and flights from there. Behind the Whos, Jon and Kelly now show at the international terminal as well

The Chipsters, on the other hand, are at the domestic terminal. Chip explains that they've both traveled enough to know that Qantas is very accommodating and will help in any way they can, so they figured that the domestic terminal would be best. When they get there, they find that there are no other teams there, so that helps them as well.

Back at international, Team Who is working with a ticket agent, and Kelly voices over that they do not want Jon and Kelly to see what they're doing. Kelly, therefore, heads over to a different agent, who explains that while there is a flight to Sydney leaving right away, they'll miss the connection to Honolulu, so there's not much point in doing that. Kelly asks about maybe connecting through Tokyo. Having talked to the agent, Kelly walks over to Jon, who is standing just behind David and Jeff. Proving that for once, she is a contestant who knows the difference between when it is and is not important to keep secrets, she pulls Jon's ear down to her mouth and murmurs that there are no flights out of Sydney until the day. Dum-dum-duuuuum! "There's no point in going to Sydney," she adds. Fatefully, Team Who is -- as Kelly has this conversation with Jon -- booking their flight from Cairns to Sydney. The lady also hooks them up with a flight to Honolulu -- but it isn't until the day, just as Kelly was told. Once the guys leave, Kelly steps up and just says to the lady that she wants the best way to get to Honolulu today.

As David and Jeff walk to the Sydney flight, Jeff explains that they've booked the flight from Sydney to Honolulu the day, but they're going to go to Sydney where he's sure they can hook themselves up with something faster. Jeff says that the Cairns airport is small, so there's not a lot of help available, which is why he's sure Sydney will be better. They board as the ominous winds of fate blow loudly on the soundtrack. Blow, ye winds! Shall Who be doomed? Blow, ye winds, blow! Their flight takes off. Back in the airport, Jon says that he thinks the boys jumped on the first flight out of Cairns, "not really seeing the big picture." I think I agree. I think they're lucky if they can locate the big picture, actually, even when it has neon lights around it and features giant searchlights waving around in the sky. "I think that was a mistake, so...we'll see," he adds.

Over in Domestic, Reichen is setting up a route connecting through -- you guessed it -- Tokyo. And back in International, Kelly and Jon wind up grabbing the same route. Reichen explains that he and Chip now had to stroll over to the international terminal to pick up their boarding passes.

David and Jeff's flight lands at the Sydney airport. Jeff sets himself up on the phone in the terminal. "I have a flight scheduled to Honolulu tomorrow," he says to someone. "I want to go to Honolulu now." Now, aside from the fact that he sounds like a petulant debutante, this is what I think is bizarre. If he's doing it by phone, what's the point of being in Sydney? You know what I mean? Cairns has phones, no? Oy.

The Chipsters and Jon and Kelly get on the same flight from Cairns to Tokyo. On the flight, we hear Reichen voice over that they've only got forty-five minutes to make their connection in Tokyo, during which time they have to go get their boarding passes, among other things -- presumably because they're switching to a United flight, so Qantas couldn't ticket them in Cairns.

At the Sydney airport, Jeff gets off the phone to the excited inquiries of a lady in a mustard-yellow jacket who has apparently adopted him. "Did you do it?" she asks. He explains that he wants to try to grab a JAL flight to...wait for it...Tokyo. At the JAL office, however, Who is told that there are no more flights out to Tokyo tonight on JAL. David describes this in an ominous voice-over as "the first dagger," and goes on to say that although it didn't kill them, it put them on a course of sort of death-avoidance. At another counter, the lady gives them the same crap news. "To the States? You've missed it," she says. Dagger! "There's nothing available?" they ask. "No, nothing," she says. Yow. Jeff voices over that they spent about three hours in Sydney trying to find other ways through New Zealand or through the French Polynesian islands (hey, at least they could order fruity drinks with little umbrellas on them while they waited for a flight to open up) or Beijing, but doors keep slamming in their faces every time they turn around. Also, interestingly, one of our only shots ever of the actual Race Rules comes as David works the phone, holding his little scratch paper over what I think are the aforementioned Rules. One says, "Driving Rules," and it does indeed confirm the "Obey all posted speed limits" rule. Anyway, a slo-mo shot of the boys walking through the airport is your best indication yet that something very, very grave is happening here.

As the flight to Tokyo lands, Kelly voices over again that they've got a very short time to make the connection to Honolulu. When they get off the flight, the Chipsters get directions to the United terminal from one lady, while Jon and Kelly get them from another lady who sends them on the tram. Once they're on the tram with the doors closed, however, they see the girl who gave them directions running up to the tram telling them to get off. Too late. The Chipsters, meanwhile, are also trying to locate exactly where they need to be. Jon and Kelly de-tram, with Kelly muttering that she's nervous that they came all the way to the other terminal without boarding passes. Elsewhere, the Chipsters are getting on an orange bus that promises to get them to where they need to be. As Jon works on the situation with a ticket lady, Kelly tells the camera that Jon made "a rash decision" to leave the terminal, and now they're not where they should be, and they need to get a bus in order to get to the flight. That would be the bus that the Chipsters are getting off of as we speak. They run into the terminal and toward the gate.

Jon and Kelly's situation is substantially more dicey. They're told to get to a different terminal, and Kelly voices over with great admiration that although she didn't care for the way the system worked at the airport, they got super help from a woman working there who called a special bus for them and ran them out to it in her high heels. Now that's service. "Please, please, please let us get there," Kelly prays on the bus.

The Chipsters arrive at the gate and say that they need boarding passes. Jon and Kelly? Still running toward the terminal. Reichen is working on the boarding passes, and across the room, an obviously tired Chip offers the opinion that Reichen is "on a roll." Chip chalks this up to "his gorgeous face and his sweet demeanor." Well, it's good to love your sweetie. And not that necessary to see him as others do. Jon and Kelly run up just then to grab their boarding passes as well. The Chipsters finish their business at the counter and head for the plane, at which point Jon starts to complain to the gate lady that the people he's "traveling with" made the flight, so he needs to make the flight. Kelly admonishes him not to be a dick, and he bites his tongue -- hard -- and stops making it worse. The Chipsters step across the doorway of the plane and are aboard. Back at the counter, Jon explains to an airline guy that their names are already on the list, and that they desperately need to get on the flight. "I'm sorry," the guy says. "We are about to close the door." As Kelly explains, the lady who brought them over comes up and tries to negotiate on their behalf, but the mean gate man just keeps telling her "no." No, no, no. Outside, the airplane engines rev. "There's another Honolulu flight," the guy tells Jon and Kelly. Jon tries to explain that he knows that, but that he needs this flight. The guy explains that the difference between when the Chipsters arrived and when Jon and Kelly arrived is the difference between making the flight and not. "I'm sorry," he says, "we cannot change the decision right now." The guy mutters about closing the doors five minutes prior to departure, yada yada, as Kelly goes over and plunks herself down on a bank of chairs. The flight from Tokyo to Honolulu takes off with the Chipsters aboard, and with no Jon and Kelly. Reichen explains in a knife-twisting voice-over that not only did they get on the flight and Jon and Kelly didn't, but they purchased economy tickets and got to sit in business class. Sometimes, the world just smiles on you. And sometimes, it makes me hate you. A miserable Jon and Kelly despair in the terminal.

Commercials. Bring me the head of the chief grilled chicken sandwich lobbyist.

In the airport terminal, Kelly explains that over the entire race, missing this connection was the low point. She and Jon stand and hug a little. He speculates that perhaps there will be an outbreak of diarrhea on the plane and the Chipsters will be unable to run. Well, you can always look on the bright side, I suppose. "Those damn Chippendales," Kelly says with a frustrated little fist-pump and a little smile. Jon voices over that he was trying to stay positive, because the leg is long and there are opportunities to catch up. They find another flight, which Jon says as they stand at the counter gets in at 8:05 AM, as opposed to the other flight, which gets in at 6:55 AM. They get tickets and manage to get on this flight. It takes off, with Kelly happily chattering about "here we go again" and other self-encouraging platitudes.

Unusual and incongruous electric guitars abound on the soundtrack as the Amazing Yellow Lines show you that the Chipsters and Jon and Kelly are both winging their respective ways to Hawaii, in that order. And then, here we are, looking at the lovely Kona International Airport, where the Chipsters are landing. They run to their car outside, accompanied by the lovely "Currently in 1st place" caption. With Chip in the customary driver's seat, they pull out of the parking lot, Reichen rereading the clue about making their way to the southernmost point in the United States. Of course, they should just tell them that much instead of naming the place, but in the tradition of new and non-improved "go here, dummy" clues, the point is actually named right in the clue. In the car, Reichen talks about what a relief it is to be "back home" in the United States. He explains that they know they're ahead of Kelly and Jon, but they have no idea what's become of Jeff and David. He's sure that the boys "found a way to get here." Is he new?

Hey, look. It's the boys. In the Sydney airport. Still. But at least they are finally getting on that Sydney-Hawaii flight, as Jeff voices over that when they didn't see the other teams in Sydney, they started to suspect that they probably had made their way to Honolulu a little less eventfully. He adds that he's hoping the other teams will "make a mistake that allows [Who] to catch up." Yeah, keep hope alive, there, bud.

In the Chipster car, Chip is grimacing as usual as they hit traffic. Back at the Kona airport, Kelly and Jon are landing. They run out of the airport and to their car, and they hop in. Jon drives, and Kelly gives directions. It's really funny -- you can tell that their mode has completely changed. They're not bickering, they're not teasing...they're just very focused. Up in the Chipster car, Reichen is looking out the window, undoubtedly pondering his own death in a fiery crash. "We're behind the biggest loser who's ever driven a car," he says unhappily, referring to the car in front of him and not to Chip, which is what I originally thought he was saying. Hee. Reichen complains that the guy in front of them will not let them pass. Back in Jon and Kelly's following car, Jon explains that "Chip is the intense guy of the team." Jon comments that Chip would probably cut somebody's throat to win, but then he reconsiders and realizes that he would, too, so he shrugs it off. Heh. Up ahead, Chip finally passes the biggest loser who's ever driven a car, and Reichen tells him that he doesn't care how fast Chip drives, as long as he slows down for corners. The boys make it to the bay. They spot the route marker and run to it. When they pull the clue, it's this week's Roadblock, and it asks them to decide who's "a strong swimmer and good with a hammer." You know, they used to make those a little more cryptic, too. It's not much of a "clue" if the Roadblock is, say, throwing a baseball for distance, and you make the question, "Who's better at throwing a baseball for distance?" Anyway, as Phil explains, this Roadblock involves swimming out to a tiki head marker (don't touch it! Vincent Price will be really mad!), diving underwater to retrieve a rock, and bringing the rock back to the beach. At that point, they have to smash the rock apart with a hammer to get the clue. Chip takes the clue for his team, so he and his red shorts go running out to the water. He's got some black sock things on, too, so...you know, sexy! He swims out, drives under the water, and grabs the rock. As he returns to shore, Chip hoists the rock on his shoulder and gives a hearty grunt. He is so studly. When he's not, you know, a big spaz.

In the Kelly and Jon car on the way to the bay, they're feeling the pressure and desperately trying to make up time. Meanwhile, at the beach, Chip is taking little tiny taps at the rock with his hammer and chisel. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Very rhythmic and hypnotizing. Hey, maybe it is hypnosis. I'm afraid I will wake up from this scene with a strange urge to cluck like a chicken whenever I hear the word "nutbunches." "We're looking for a time constraint for Chip and Reichen," Jon says in the Jon and Kelly car. "Hopefully they can get delayed a little bit." Another brilliant edit brings us directly back to Chip and the fact that he keeps knocking the chisel out of his hand with the hammer. He despairs at "all this time wasted," as Jon on the road vows that if they get another chance, he and Kelly won't make any more mistakes. Reichen voices over -- as we watch Chip desperately hammer at the rock -- that when Chip gets frustrated, Reichen has the urge to step in and take over, but he's learned that Chip is "extremely motivated" (meaning "borderline psychotic"), and will eventually do what needs to be done. Chip swears some more and hammers some more, and finally, the rock gives up the ghost and splits in half. The clue they pull out tells them to get to Hawaii Volcanoes National Park, where they'll follow a path across a lava field to find their clue. "You did so awesome, okay?" Reichen says as Chip joins him in the car. They leave. "This is it; now it's just about not making any mistakes," Reichen says, rather ridiculously assuming, I guess, that Kelly and Jon can't possibly catch up.

Speaking of Kelly and Jon, here they come to the Roadblock clue. Kelly declines this one, and Jon agrees to do it, and they share a little smooch. As he prepares to go, he explains that he doesn't want to get his underwear wet, so he's thinking that he'll just do the whole thing naked. "If you want to go naked, go naked. I dare you," she says. Hee. Jon takes everything off and goes naked. "That's a full moon, baby!" Kelly calls as he runs down to the water. "Be very careful," she says. "Don't damage the merchandise!" Well, it is hers, after all, for good or for ill. Even if you're not happy with your new sofa, you still try not to spill stuff on it. Jon swims. Once he retrieves the rock and returns to the beach, Kelly chuckles, "Do you want to put your panties back on?" He does not. He puts hammer to chisel in very close proximity to the friendly family, as David would say. And as her naked boyfriend hammers away, Kelly comments, "It's like Adam building his first house," which is one of the only episode title quotes this season that has been genuinely witty.

In the Chipster car, Reichen marvels at his own mad map-reading skillz, while Chip continues his iconic behavior of grimacing and driving.

Jon finally splits the rock, and Kelly reads the clue as he gets himself dressed. They return to their car and head for the national park.

The Chipsters turn off at Chain of Craters Road, and they run to the aforementioned lava field. They make their way to the clue box and pull the clue. It tells them to get themselves to the anchor of the U.S.S. Arizona, in Phoenix, Arizona. I'm sorry, Phoenix? Nothing against Phoenix, but...Phoenix? As the final city? I guess Omaha was closed. Anyway, Phil explains that when they get to Phoenix, they'll have to search for the anchor monument. The Chipsters run back to their car in their usual Chipster fashion. They take off, as Reichen explains that there were two possible airports -- Kona and Hilo. Reichen recommends Hilo, because it's closer.

At the lava field, Jon and Kelly are running for the route marker. They pull the Arizona clue, return to their car, and take off for the airport. Unlike Reichen, Kelly recommends Kona, because there are several flights out of there, whereas there's only one from Hilo.

At Hilo airport, Reichen arranges for a flight out of Hilo to Honolulu, connecting to a flight from Honolulu to Phoenix that will get into Phoenix at 8:15 AM. They grab the tickets and take off.

Jon and Kelly approach Kona. They manage to get on a flight to Honolulu leaving almost immediately, and they're in the air in a hurry. The Amazing Yellow Line shows you how they're getting there. The Chipsters land first at Honolulu International Airport, where they are still "Currently in 1st Place." They go to the phones to try to make sure that they get the best seats possible on the flight. They've apparently arranged for seats very near the front, so that's got them in a good mood.

Meanwhile, the Aloha flight carrying Jon and Kelly is arriving in Honolulu. When they get to the counter, they arrange the same Honolulu-Phoenix flight as the Chipsters, and they get the scoop from the ticket guy that the boys are four rows ahead of them. Four very expensive rows, one might think.

Both teams now have the same thought, which is to try to find some folks who are heading for Phoenix who might be able to give them a lead on getting to the anchor once they get to Phoenix. Both teams seem to approach people in the same way, despite the fact that Chip extravagantly congratulates himself on how nice he and Reichen were, but in the end, the Chipsters seem to get significantly better information, including an actual street address. The Chipsters walk by the gate and see Jon and Kelly there, and Kelly gives a wave. Not a snotty wave, mind you, but a very nice wave. She's surprised to note that Reichen won't even make eye contact. He unsurprisingly congratulates himself on how Kelly and Jon don't like how he's ignoring them. Man, these teams are pretty much equally mature. Meaning "not very." Chip explains, as they board the flight, that he and Reichen like Jon and Kelly, but have been ignoring them because "chitchat" isn't on the agenda. Reichen and Chip don't seem to notice that this hasn't actually resulted in a significant lead over Jon and Kelly, who are actually allowing themselves to have a good time, but I suppose that's neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things. As the teams board, Jon discusses the fact that there aren't that many opportunities to win a million dollars, so he wants to capitalize while he can. The fateful and final Honolulu to Phoenix flight takes off.

Commercials. Wow, the Herbal Essence porn certainly does keep escalating.

The Amazing Yellow Line wings its way from Honolulu to Phoenix. Over tape of her applying lip gloss, Kelly voices over that she and Jon are both "fried right now," and knowing that they're so close to the end is incredibly stressful. "I just want to beat Reichen and Chip...show 'em who's boss," she says. Jon adds that the race has been "a roller coaster of emotions," and that he's trying to stay focused instead of worrying that if they make one mistake, it'll cost them the race. Chip adds that it's going to be about "racing in an airport like animals...crazed animals." You know, sometimes Chip is just a trifle creepy, have you noticed? He adds that they know exactly where they're going when they get off the plane.

Drunken Screeching Cameramen are hurled along a zip line over Phoenix while several violinists are pured in a blender. The flight lands in Phoenix, and both teams get off, with the Chipsters predictably in the lead, but only by literally less than ten steps. Outside, the Chipsters are first to the taxi stand, and they manage to grab the first cab that comes by. It takes off, with the boys telling their driver several times to "go, go, go." Kelly and Jon then manage to get a taxi of their own. Up in the Chipster cab, an incredibly cheap Reichen follows Chip's exhortation that staying ahead is "life or death" with an offer of a measly fifty bucks if the driver gets them there first. Please. As the teams fly down the road toward the anchor, Jon, on the other hand, hands over what he calls "the first hundred bucks," adding, "That's how quick we gotta get there." The Chipsters, however, appear to have the advantage of offering their cab driver a specific address, whereas Jon and Kelly look like they're just asking for the anchor. The driver does, however, seem to know where it is, because the thing you know, he and Jon are negotiating over side roads to avoid what sounds like a congested highway. So I'm not sure the directions were actually so much the issue, as much as the cab-getting itself. Both teams appear to take a route over surface streets, but indeed, Kelly and Jon do then seem to drop a minute or so getting a final set of directions, which Kelly knows is bad, because she knows the Chipsters probably have the exact address of the place.

Indeed, first to hop out of their cab at the anchor are Chip and Reichen. Chip overenunciates the clue as usual, and it leads them to the southeast entrance of Sun Devil Stadium. They hop in their cab and zoom off. Jon and Kelly drive up and get the clue from the anchor as well. As Jon tries to dash for the cab, he tries to jump over a low wall and basically racks himself, pretty much crotch-first. (Incidentally, I was watching this part of the episode with Loud Pushy Frank, who interjected: "Now that hurt. I'm tellin' you right now, that hurt.") They hop the wall and get back to their cab, asking the driver for Sun Devil Stadium.

In the Chipster cab, Chip reminds the driver what entrance they're looking for, while Reichen offers him another fifty bucks. Well, thank goodness. Elsewhere, Jon is offering his guy another hundred bucks to "drive like a madman." Serious drunken careening ensues as the teams make their way to the stadium through traffic. The Chipsters pull up to what is helpfully labeled "SOUTHEAST ENTRANCE." They hop out of the car, calling back to the driver to wait, but to turn the car around while they're gone in order to be as ready as possible to turn and go. Inside the stadium, they find the clue box. The clue is supposedly a "puzzle," and the clue says "Happy Valentines Day + White + White." As Phil explains, this puzzle will lead them to the seats in the stadium where the clue is located. "Happy Valentine's Day" should get them to section 214 (2/14), while "White + White" refers to the two players named White whose numbers are displayed around the stadium. Wilford and Danny are numbers 33 and 11 respectively, and the clue is in row 33, seat 11. The Chipsters figure out the section number pretty quickly, but can't make heads or tails of White + White.

Kelly and Jon approach the stadium in their cab.

Back inside, the confused Chipsters try section 2, row 14, but that doesn't work. Outside, Jon and Kelly come even closer. Chip finally finds the way to section 214, and calls for Reichen. They get to section 214, and just search it until they stumble across the clue. In other words, they never solved the puzzle at all.

I hated this. Hated, hated, hated this. If there's a puzzle, they should actually have to solve it in order to get at the clue. The fact that they were basically able to skip solving the puzzle and bumble around until they fell on top of the clue envelopes made this task completely, utterly, totally unsatisfying to me, and that wound up having a huge impact on how I perceived the end of the leg and the race. Luck is one thing, but in this case, I think you could argue that the Chipsters actually did not do the task. It said on the clue, "Solve this puzzle." They never did. Never solved it. Left the stadium without a freaking clue what the answer to the puzzle was. To me, it's like not using the right form of transportation. You don't just have to get there; you have to get there using the method that's specified, and as I said, if you're going to put a logic puzzle in the race, you should fix it so that they have to solve the puzzle in order to get the clue. It's not their fault; they wandered around and they found it, and there was nothing for them to do but take it. But the task was designed wrong, and quite honestly, seeing people win a million dollars who can't solve a logic puzzle that's about as hard as the ones you find on the back of a Cheerios box is not satisfying. There need to not be work-arounds. I hated this. But anyway.

The Chipsters grab the clue and leave the stadium.