That's Me. That's My Face.

Previously on Bunch-a Bunch-a Burnin' Nuts: Kelly and BuffJon got rung up at the opening bell and desperately dashed for the Fast Forward. The Chipsters, however, cut them off at the primates and nabbed it before they could get there. A tricky Detour involving what appeared to be props from the movie Revenge of the Atomic Pineapples proved challenging for the clowns, flummoxed Team Who, and constituted the last straw for an utterly exhausted Chuck and Millie, who had apparently squandered all their pit stop time on eating and mingling. Well, eating, mostly. While Kelly and BuffJon struggled to avoid winding up in last place, Millie and Chuck struggled to avoid winding up in the entirely wrong place. Like Antarctica. Finally, as has been written in the stars since Dodger Stadium and "Millie Mole" and "she's so catty" and so forth, it came down to a desperate dash for the pit stop between Kelly and Jon and Millie and Chuck, featuring a Jon/Chuck showdown for World's Fastest Ladder-Climber, followed by a Millie/Kelly showdown for World's Most Forcefully Shrewish Back Seat Driver. Kelly and BuffJon narrowly emerged victorious, while Millie and Chuck sucked it up and landed a one-way ticket to Sequesterville, where they will engage in nonstop red-hot coma-like sleep until it's time to head for the finish line. "Who will be eliminated..." Ann Coulter's book, How Richard M. Nixon Rescued The Puppies Of The Inner City, is published. "�?"

Credits. This Week's Fun Fact You Can Learn By Zaprudering The Credits With The Assistance Of TiVo: Debra and IndianaSteve's dog and Josh and DadSteve's dog share a fundamental yearning to be free, and may be conspiring to engineer an escape. [BOMP.]

Commercials. When you start to see little yellow figures rising up out of the dishwashing soap, it's time to switch back to Lipton and stop drinking that tea you got from the lady who does your nails. No matter how many times she tells you it will improve your sex life, it's really not worth it.

Monkeys, monkeys, monkeys! Yes, we're back at Malaysia's Sepilok Nature Resort, where one monkey is clearly self-conscious about the fact that his naked butt is on camera while he's in the highly unflattering process of climbing stairs, and another monkey is apparently considering swallowing the camera guy in one bite. Phil calls Borneo a "mysterious island of lush rainforests and exotic wildlife," while yet another monkey walks along a ledge like, "You bet your ass I'm exotic, little man. Not going to find me in Sheboygan." Phil, decked out in an inoffensive striped shirt that has a nice beachy feel to it, explains from the shores of the river that this resort was the ninth pit stop. This particular eat/sleep/mingle looks like it was quite pleasant, although everyone is beginning to have that skinny, haggard, haircut-needing look that generally shows up somewhere around the late part of Asia in every season. And you just know they're all pretty well steeped in the Late-Leg Putrid Stink. Phil wonders whether the Chipsters can maintain their lead, and whether the three XY-XY teams will prove too much for little ol' XX Kelly and her burdensome uterus. Phil calls Kelly and Jon "the last co-ed team." I'm sorry, is "co-ed" really the term you're looking for? It makes me think there's going to be a cotillion where gobs of nineteen-year-old guys get drunk on Olympia and throw up on their tuxes while their dates smoke and exchange birth control advice.

10:26 PM. Chipsters. Man, does Reichen ever get out of those yellow shorts? I feel like I've seen more of those shorts than any article of clothing since The Hat. They rip and read, and the clue tells them to get to what Phil explains is "the largest Buddhist temple in Malaysian Borneo." There, they will find lots of Buddha figurines on a rotating stand that looks like a supersize earring display carousel at Target, and they'll need to find the one with their names on it. Behind that figurine, they'll find a key to a rattan bag, and in the bag will be their clue. It's not tricky, exactly, but at least it's not a pure "go here, nitwit" kind of clue. With the secret purse and everything, it's kind of like a scavenger hunt at the Golden Path Senior Center. Really, though, the best thing about that sequence is having multiple opportunities to hear Phil pronounce "Buddha," a word to which he gives a particular Kiwi-esque punch, using a very "pudding"-like "ud" in the middle. As the Chipsters leave the mat, Reichen voices over that the race is really on now, so they have to "watch every little thing [they] do." "If there's one mistake made," he continues, "it's all over." I think we can rest assured that isn't true, or none of these teams would make it across the street, let alone all the way back to the United States. They get in their taxi (helpfully labeled "Teksi"), and it appears that the driver knows how to find the temple.

When the Chipsters arrive at the temple, they walk in and are immediately impressed. "I like everything I know about Buddhism," Reichen says, making a statement that would be deceptively difficult to disprove. After all, I like everything I know about your mom. He goes on to explain that the temple was beautiful and he felt a lot of peace inside. They make their way to the set of little figurines, and it doesn't seem to take them too long to find one labeled "Reichen & Chip." They pull it out and retrieve the key, then they head to the bag and fetch their clue. It tells them to fly to Seoul, South Korea, and get to Namsan Park and then to Seoul Tower to get their clue. You know, every time I see footage of countries other than my own, one of my primary thoughts is that maybe I should be carrying more things on my head. Phil explains that vans will arrive at the temple to take teams to the airport every thirty minutes beginning at midnight, and each van can carry only one team. It's only 11:15 when the Chipsters get this clue, so they have some time to, as Chip says, "chill and enjoy this." Chip cannot believe how beautiful the statues and other temple doodads are, while Reichen takes a moment to "say a prayer for the rest of the race." God...well, you know. Plastic boats, "vroom-vroom" noises, that sort of thing. Reichen explains that this was "the first time since [he] was a very small child that [he] felt this protective, spiritual feeling." Lucky for him it happened while he's on television! At midnight, the van arrives and the Chipsters snag it.

12:56 AM. Clowns. Al does the off-the-mat voice-over this week, and he explains that he and Jon have gotten closer as a result of doing the race, and their friendship is "better than ever." What, no acrimony? No power struggles? No talk of how much you hate everyone? Bo-ring! Don't these people realize they're on television? In other news, I could watch ClownJon run for hours and hours and never be bored, because it's that funny. I feel guilty talking about a grown man's "little legs," so I won't try to describe the run itself. They pile into a pretty red cab and go.

1:11 AM. David and Jeff. They fill us in that there's a relative windfall of $400 for the leg. David off-the-mat VOs that he thinks they're "always the underdog," which I think is highly amusing, because there's absolutely nothing that would make them the underdogs except their ineptitude. It's pretty much, "We're almost too dumb to do this -- but so far, not quite!" He goes on to say that he thinks they need to envision themselves being last a lot, because this is the best motivator of all. I envision them being last a lot myself, but it's more of a premonition than a psychological device.

Elsewhere, the clowns locate their Buddha and get the clue. Team Who is right behind them, so these teams eventually wind up outside waiting for the vans together. As the clowns leave in the cab to arrive, David explains that he thinks the clowns are the biggest threat in the race. "They're smart," he says wistfully, "and strong...that combination is pretty powerful." He leaves off the end of that riff, which is obviously, "They're totally dreamy."

At 2:42 AM, a straggling Kelly and Jon finally get off the mat. "Now that I am the only girl," Kelly voices over, "I'm gonna have to bust my butt." She goes on to feed the apparent theme of the episode by saying, "We're going to give those boys a run for their money." Or for CBS's money, as the case may be.

Team Who takes off for the airport. It's a long trip, so cross yourself.

Inside the temple, Jon and Kelly find their Buddha and their clue. As they leave, Kelly claims that their strategy to this point has been "being very relaxed." Relaxed? Really? Hmm -- that's not exactly how I would have described it, what with the arguing and the shrieking, but...maybe that's what makes her feel relaxed. She goes on to tell us that she isn't content with being in the Final Four, but wants to win. "The wrath of Kelly is fixin' to come out," she says in the cab. "Yeah...I think the wrath of Kelly's fixin' to come out on Jon," BuffJon replies dubiously. She smiles. Because in all likelihood, he's right.

At Kota Kinabalu airport, the Chipsters are the first to arrive. It's got to be a long trip, because they left at midnight, and it's fully light at the airport as they de-van. Inside, they're asked when they need to be in Korea, and they stress that they need to be there as soon as they possibly can. They wind up booking a route that connects through Singapore on its way to Seoul. When the clowns arrive, they wind up in line behind the Chipsters, who encourage the lady working on their tickets not to say anything that can be overheard. Al laughs at the cloak and dagger and the very James Bond of it all. Reichen, not telling us anything we don't already know, explains that he and Chip don't believe at this point that there's much point in having alliances, because there's no way to do it from here other than Reichen's favorite theory: Every Man For Himself. Of course, I don't really remember a Chipster/Clown alliance except the one Chip tried to improvise while running for the mat in Malaysia, so I'm not sure there'd be much of an alliance here in any event. Nevertheless, Reichen's attempts at security apparently are unsuccessful, because when the clowns get up to the counter, the guy working there freely shares the Chipster itinerary with them. Heh. He would make a terrible international spy. The clowns book the same flights. Team Who is to arrive, and they too inquire about the Chipsters' flight plan, and they too are told that everybody is on the Singapore-Seoul pattern, so there's nothing to worry about. As Kelly and BuffJon finally arrive, they are happy to see that Team Who is still working on tickets inside, because it means they're not too far behind. Once BuffJon has his team on the same route everyone else is taking, it's time to watch the plane to Singapore take off.

As we watch the teams on the plane, ClownJon provides a voice-over assessment of each. He calls Kelly and Jon "very strong," Chip and Reichen "very cunning," and Team Who "also there." Oh, no. Actually, we cut to Al, who says David and Jeff "don't give up." Which is almost as bad, actually. It's like, "These people are good, those people are good, and those guys...just keep going, so...you know, whatever." Furthermore, I think Jeff has sunglasses on top of his head. On the plane. Speaking of "whatever." Anyway, the plane lands in Singapore. Inside the airport, there is a lot of what the music would suggest is very, very intense strolling around in the terminal. It appears that the tension is a result of some of the teams taking a cue from Millie (great idea!) and trying to rework their flights and get to Seoul faster than it will be to wait for the direct flight from Singapore. Jeff locates a flight that connects through Hong Kong and gets to Seoul an hour earlier than the one they've got. When he asks at the counter, however, he's told that the flight is "very full." They get on standby.

The clowns, having the same thought, wind up at the same counter asking about the same flight, and they get the same bad news. They ask to be put on standby as well. Elsewhere, Kelly and BuffJon relax at the gate, puzzling over why there aren't other teams nearby, while Chip and Reichen take a break in an airport restaurant to "eat some American food," starting with a burger and fries. Man, I'll bet that felt good. I think it's the best food they're going to get this leg, if you see my point. My squirming, head-still-attached, sticking-to-your-teeth point.

As David and Jeff inquire about the status of their standby situation, the lady tells them to their considerable dismay that they aren't actually on the standby list. An unhappy David reminds her that he specifically told her they wanted to be on standby, and she told him that they couldn't be on standby unless they purchased a ticket, so they purchased a ticket. Apparently, she didn't think this explicitly meant that they wanted to be on standby, just that they wanted to buy a ticket for a flight that was full. You know, I think she's moved to the United States and is working for my bank. Jeff challenges her on why she would sell them the ticket and not put them on standby. She asks them what they want from her at this point, and they say -- duh -- that they want to get on the flight. The lady eventually comes back and says yes, she can get them on. "I don't want to cause any unpleasantness," the lady says. "I appreciate that," David says. Actually, if they're right about what happened, I think Who handled that very well, because they were assertive and asked for what they thought was fair, but they managed to do it without turning it into a pitched personal battle between themselves and the lady behind the counter. It's worth learning that it's a bad idea to act like a prick when you're trying to get someone to do something for you. When the clowns get up to the counter, ClownJon leans on it and hits his hopeful, scrunchy-faced, fingers-crossed, anticipatory thumbs-up pose, and indeed, they manage to get on the flight as well. Well, of course -- how can you say no to the thumbs-up pose? There is a big clown hug. At 7:00 PM, the flight takes off for Hong Kong, carrying Team Who and the clowns.

An unhappy BuffJon is confused in the gate area of the flight to Seoul. "Where the hell is the other teams?" he asks ungrammatically, not pleased by the fact that only the Chipsters are with him and Kelly. It would have been great if somebody had said, "The other teams is obviously ahead of you, jackhole." But without me there, who would say it? ["I wouldn't bet against Kelly." -- Sars] Sigh. At 10:35 PM, this flight takes off. The two now-trailing teams snooze on the flight.

The Amazing Yellow Line shows the connecting folks running ahead of the direct flight folks as the trip to Seoul gets underway.

And then we're in Seoul. Unsurprisingly, the camera guys would like to remind you that Seoul contains a lot of signs written in Korean. At 5:00 AM, the Who/Clown group arrives. They hop into cabs, agreeing to follow each other at this point, which I suppose is sort of one of the luxuries of being ahead. Al voices over, as they try to discuss the destination with their cabbie, that the language barrier in Korea was more challenging than those they'd run into elsewhere. David adds that the culture is very different, and he felt much more conspicuous as an American in Korea than he had in other countries. The pair of cabs takes off for the park. When they arrive at the tower, the clowns have a slight lead, and Al is the first to the clue box. The clue directs them to the Sundam Valley, which Phil explains is "only minutes away from the North Korean border." In case you aren't aware, the North Korean border contains soldiers and barbed wire, so it's even a little worse than blundering into a guy's yard looking for the train station. Once they find the valley, they'll need to find another clue box by the side of a river. When they're quoted a ticket price of almost $100 for the three-hour ride, the two teams decide they'll get cozy and all share a cab. Remember, it's going to be all four of them as well as presumably four crew guys. Big fun for everyone, especially with the aforementioned Putrid Stink. Whee!

At 5:40 AM, the direct flight from Singapore arrives, carrying the Chipsters and Kelly and Jon. BuffJon admits that being in South Korea, knowing he was only a hundred kilometers or so from the border, made him feel a little edgy. Kelly says that they know the Chipsters are right on their tail, but they have no idea where the rest of the teams are. We cut to the very crowded vehicle into which the other teams have been stuffed. It looks like ClownJon and Al aren't even able to sit down -- is that possible, on a three-hour drive? My sister and I shared the back seat of a Dodge Aspen for six weeks when I was ten, and I think if one of us had had to scrunch over the back seat, it would have been a lot worse, in the "much more bloodshed" sense.

Back at the airport, the Chipsters depart. Reichen says that coming to South Korea was a surprise to him. It's not clear whether he thinks it's good news or bad news, but I think it's good news that he's out of the yellow shorts and into a pair of khakis. They struggle with the language barrier too, but they eventually seem to just decide to suck it up and go with the driver they have.

At the tower, Kelly and BuffJon run just ahead of the Chipsters, so they've just finished reading the clue when the Chipsters pull up. The teams pass each other on the stairs, with Kelly giving a friendly but tense, "Hi, boys," as they do. Kelly and BuffJon take off in their cab, but as Chip and Reichen behind them try to explain about getting to Sundam Valley, they become aware that their driver speaks essentially zero English, and given that they can't even point to a place name (written in English), they have no way of communicating with him at all. Chip says that he doesn't want to even climb into a taxi with a driver who doesn't speak English at this point, because, as he says, that could mean "we're fucked the whole day."

Commercials. Yeah, the health department called. They said that you need a lot more than a big roll of paper towels to take care of that filthy kitchen. Bleach, people. Get some.

At the tower, the Chipsters continue to look for an English-speaking cab driver. When one does not materialize, they cut their losses and decide to head to a hotel where they can perhaps have a broader selection of cabbies. At the Seoul Grand Hyatt, they have only marginally better luck. They tell the guy who looks like the doorman or equivalent that they need an English-speaking cab driver, but the first guy they get clearly does not qualify as such. While it's true that the tense chirping about "English? You speak English?" can come off as really irksome, it didn't so much bother me in this situation, because I think you can ask a hotel for a cab driver with a special skill, and they can try to accommodate you, and they shouldn't put you in a cab with somebody who can't do what you're saying you need. I would bet the Ritz Carlton could land you a cab driver who speaks Spanish if you asked. Anyway, the hotel does eventually set up the Chipsters with somebody who speaks at least a little English, so they throw their packs in the trunk and hope for the best. Reichen voices over that they've gotten a lot smarter as the race has progressed, and I guess the implication is supposed to be that they've learned that they need English-speaking cabbies. Or that they've learned to spend more time at better hotels. Certainly, that's one of the things I've learned in the last few years. In the cab as it starts to get light outside, Chip explains to the driver that they are in a competition and need to get where they're going as quickly as possible.

In the Clown/Who cab, Jeff is showing David on a map where they are and where they need to go. Odds that he is correct: 1 in 758, by my calculations, taking into account past history and the phases of the moon. Meanwhile, the driver in the front seat is on his cell phone, clearly quite distraught. It doesn't appear that he's very clear on where he's going, either. The thing you know, we see the driver run into a convenience store (as you do, when you're on the way to the DMZ) to ask for directions. In a voice-over, Jeff confirms that the driver originally told them that he knew how to get to where they were going, but then it turned out...not so much. The teams follow him into the convenience store while they kibitz the attempt to get directions. "Turn left before bridge," Jeff says emphatically as they make a note on a hand-drawn map. "Do you know where you're going [now]?" he asks the driver. "Okay," the driver says in a non-confidence-inspiring fashion. "You sure?" Jeff says. The driver indicates that he's sure, I guess, so they leave.

Elsewhere, the Chipsters are having substantially better luck with their very accommodating cab driver, who has gone so far as to turn on the hazard lights so that he can speed through traffic and blow past the red lights. I'm surprised Reichen isn't leaning out the window going, "The contractions are about two minutes apart! Thanks for pulling over!" He does point out that it would be legal for them to hang their naked asses out the window, as long as the blinkers are running. Apparently, the Korean definition of "hazard" is fairly broad.

The clowns and Team Who are taking an increasingly tense journey as they start to approach some tanks. Jeff points out that they're about to cross the bridge they were supposed to turn just before reaching. They see some more tanks, and immediately realize that they've blundered into the DMZ and need fairly urgently to turn around. Al points out that when you've spent much of your life squirting seltzer on people, you find yourself a little surprised at a long column of tanks and a bunch of guys with guns marching around by the side of the road. Apropos of absolutely nothing, someone half-accidentally gets a wonderful shot of the cab driver's very eclectic dashboard dcor here. It lightens the moment a little when you see that he has what appears to be some kind of little calculator (which may be the meter), a radio of some kind, a big red flower, and a little statue of Tweety Bird. Swear to God. The driver gets turned around, and the guys agree to keep their eyes peeled and look for the sign to the place they need to go.

Elsewhere, Kelly and Jon are in their cab, searching for the road to the clue box as well. "It's gotta be right around here somewhere," BuffJon says unhappily. As the driver gets some directions, Kelly tells Jon that he'd better be prepared to run for the clue box and grab the tag, so the clue apparently told them that there was a first-come, first-served task in the valley and they needed to grab a number to claim their spot. And I think we know Kelly's not running for the tag. She has those long, gazelle-like legs, you will recall, which are quite an impediment in running.

The Chipsters are lucky enough to spot a sign that guides them toward their destination, so they manage to pull into the lead. Meanwhile, the clowns and Team Who wind up watching their driver pull over yet again, while ClownJon voices over that this leg was particularly frustrating, because even with the help of their map, they couldn't navigate the way they needed to. As they sit there, they're passed by Kelly and Jon, who are happy to see a team in their rearview mirror. Wondering if they can avoid having the other teams follow them, Kelly and BuffJon hunch down in their seats, hoping not to be seen. There does not appear to be a large population of similar airport taxis driving around near the DMZ, however, so the clowns are not fooled and direct their driver to follow Kelly and BuffJon's cab. Al is unhappy to note that the lead from the better flight path has apparently already disappeared. At only forty minutes, of course, it didn't take much to lose it.

On the other hand, Al would probably be even more unhappy to note that the Chipsters are pulling up to the clue box as we speak. They are very surprised to get there and find that all four tags are still available. "No way!" Reichen says. You can tell that Chip narrowly avoids responding, "Way!" Reichen snags the first number. "How the hell are we number one?" he asks, knowing that they were running behind Who and the clowns and left the tower behind Kelly and Jon and dawdled at the hotel. Chip gestures toward the cab. "'Cause we got a taxi driver who knows where he's going." They return to their cab and thank their driver profusely. "We got here first," Reichen says, holding up the tag, "because of you." The driver smiles. "'Cause of you," Chip repeats, and they both clap him on the shoulder. That was cool -- it's always nice to acknowledge when you have little to do with your own success, and I'm generally in favor of a little international sucking up.

Kelly and BuffJon pull up , and grab number two. They're followed by the beleaguered Clown/Who taxi, with its cramped and tired passengers. Who winds up third, with the clowns last. Reichen voices over that Who has apparently formed "a small alliance" with Al and ClownJon, and he says that he feels a little threatened by that idea. He's hoping to see Kelly and BuffJon make the final three, because he doesn't see them as too big of a threat. Oooooh, hubris. Very dangerous, there, you Chipster, you. I do think it's a little risky to be deciding who is and isn't a threat at this late date -- it seems to me that anybody who's still in it at this point can beat you in any given leg.

The teams are finally allowed up to the clue, and they read that it's this week's Roadblock. "Which of you has the colder personality?" Reichen reads with a chuckle. Considering he's made of plastic and Swiss watch parts, I'd say that would be him. Phil explains that in this Roadblock -- oh, goodness. Phil's attire has gone off the deep end again. Black-and-white sweater, khaki coat with fur-trimmed hood. [Shudder.] Anyway, he explains that in this Roadblock, the person who takes it will have to go into the frozen river through a hole in the ice, swim a short distance underwater, and emerge through another hole on the other side. Moreover, after they're out, they'll have to wait until their body temperature returns to normal before the team can leave. Chip takes the Roadblock, as does BuffJon (after Kelly enjoys a bit of a smile at the "colder personality" question), Al, and Jeff. Al, in particular, is very depressed when he actually gets as far as reading the clue. "Oh, noooooooo," he growls miserably. The clue also has a reference to "strip[ping] to your skivvies," which leads to a rather amusing remark by Reichen: "What are skivvies?" Apparently, in his house, they only used the word "undergarments."

The local Ice Wranglers cut holes in the ice with chainsaws, and haul the blocks out as the teams approach. Chip, bearing the number one, is first to strip. This scene is just full of facts to go in the Chip's Body Indexing System, the least interesting of which is the fact that he has a fairly sizable tattoo on his upper back. To break the tension as Chip gets ready to go, ClownJon and Al offer a little song and dance. No one appears especially amused. In the medical tent, a stripped-down Chip is asked whether he's ever had a heart attack before. Now, that's comforting. He says no. Does he have hearing problems? No. He breathes for the doctor's stethoscope. Outside, we see Reichen watch nervously as he voices over that he was pretty nervous for his sweetie watching him get checked out. Chip walks over to the hole in the ice, sticks his feet in, and then plunges into the very, very cold water. We see him swim under the water as, above ground, Kelly expresses amazement at the fact that he's actually doing such a ridiculous thing. And yes, even the most mature among us will admit that when Chip emerges out of the "exit hole" and starts to dry himself off with towels, it's difficult not to notice what was warmly dubbed by The Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters this week as his "nutbunch." (Hey, we don't write the news. We just report it.) Seriously. Whatever the opposite of "shrinkage" is...well, it's this. Heaters blow on the Chipster as Reichen comes over to check on him. Chip gives a lovely voice-over about how Reichen supported him and helped get him dressed when he got out of the water. "I'm really lucky to have him as a partner," Chip says warmly, leaving off the part about "except when he books us in business class." When they open the clue once Chip's body temperature has normalized (the body temperatures of some of The Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters remaining unnaturally elevated), it tells them to head for subway station 228 in Seoul. Phil shows us that the clue box is somewhere in the station. They get into a cab.

BuffJon is to get ready to go. Kelly tries to get him psyched up as he prepares, saying, "You've been in water colder than this." As he plunges into the water, Jon explains that the body isn't really designed for this experience, so it tends to seize up like you're having a heart attack -- which I suspect is why you had to confirm in advance that you hadn't ever actually had a heart attack. BuffJon emerges to Kelly's enthusiastic screeching, and immediately goes back under. No, no, just kidding. He actually heads off for the same mix of heaters and towel-rubbing that the other guys enjoyed. "You did awesome, Jon," Kelly says, and she helps him get dressed again. Aw, that was nice, too. They read the subway clue and go.

Jeff gets ready to go for Team Who. He says that, actually, the worst part was seeing the teams go in front of him and having to wait for them to be done. As he puts his feet in the chilly water, David says, "Go all the way under the ice; make sure you do it right." Heh. No kidding. It would be pretty tough if he got lost during the swim. We see Jeff swim underwater as he voices over that when your body temperature drops like that, it will even make you feel kind of disoriented. And yes, you can be forgiven if your first thought is, "And disoriented would be different from your usual state...how, exactly?" He emerges. He dries off. The doctor tells him that his body temperature is "low," and you can kind of see him doing the math in his head, going, "High, low, high, low...okay, low's bad," and he starts drying himself more vigorously.

Al strips and goes in for the checkup, while David and Jeff read the subway clue. They start to leave as Al goes feet-first into the water. He comments that just dipping his tootsies in the icy water "took [his] breath away." I think that's why they have you do it that way, actually. He plunges into the water, as ClownJon yells, "Go, Al! Yeah, baby!" As we see Al swim underwater, he voices over that his toes felt like they were falling off. And by "toes," I'm fairly sure he means "everything that might be dangling south of the neck." He emerges on the other side, to ClownJon's encouraging hollers. He dries off. A ClownJon voice-over says that "a friend is a person that you can count on under any kind of conditions," and that "Al is an amazing guy." Aw.

Team Who is making its way up to the taxi that they and the clowns took to get here, and Jeff comments that it's going to be inefficient to continue traveling together. In a voice-over, David elaborates that it's just too difficult to try to account for two teams worth of people, and as I look at the cab again, it's quite remarkable to me if they really did jam two teams and their crews in there. Zoiks. At any rate, Jeff says, "We'll split," as he loads up the luggage. The clowns read the clue about getting to the subway, but as they do, Team Who is closing the door of the cab and getting ready to leave. The clowns run toward the taxis, wondering whether David and Jeff have already left.

Commercials. Don't mouth off to the lunch lady, bub. You never know when she might be God.

Al voices over that as he and ClownJon went back up the hill where they arrived, they didn't see their taxi. As they look a little harder, though, they do spot it hiding behind a truck. Because Team Who, while fairly competitive, are not quite that wicked. Plus, they'd only get turned around on the way to hell anyway. It turns out that David and Jeff's theory is that the teams will share the cab just until they get to somewhere where they can snag another one, and then they'll split up. "Thanks, man, thanks for waiting," ClownJon says, well aware that while they certainly should have waited, they in fact didn't have to. As the taxi leaves, Jeff voices over what has gone unsaid in this scene -- it's not just that it's cumbersome to travel together, it's that these two teams are last, and they both need the opportunity to break away from each other for that reason, if no other.

In the Chipster cab, Reichen reiterates to the driver that they need station 228, which the driver tells them is Seoul University. Woooo, kegger! Apparently, the show's assumption that finding a numbered station among many would be confusing in some way didn't pan out quite the way they were thinking.

Another very funny shot of Who and the clowns jammed into the cab like sardines follows, as Jeff explains that they're looking for another cab. They come to an intersection where there's another cab available, and David and Jeff hop out to grab it. Of course, it takes them a minute or two to get situated, so they actually wind up with the worse end of the deal after being such peaches about waiting for the clowns. Bummer. In their cab, Jeff studies the map as he voices over that now they have to "work extra-hard." Hee. "Work extra-hard." And make things funner!

The Chipsters are having such a nifty day that they're extremely sad when they run into terrible traffic on the way to the subway station. In the Kelly/Jon cab, she is lamenting as well, apparently having already spent two hours in the cab. ClownJon asks his driver whether it's faster to stay in the cab, or to bail and take the subway to the right station. The driver seems to be indicating that the train is faster, but ClownJon puts his head in his hand and says that the communication isn't going too well. They decide that they'll just have the driver let them out, and they'll go for the subway. There's a lot of that going around, as David is just telling the Who driver the same thing, followed by the Chipsters.

Of course, nothing is easy in the Jon and Kelly cab, and this is no exception. She wants to get out and head for a subway station. "Kelly, we've got to get across the river." "Subways go across the river," she points out. "Really?" he says sarcastically. "I'll just get my magic carpet and jump on that." He certainly can be a gloriously conspicuous jerkweed when he wants to be. Kelly, as usual, does not hesitate to be the jerkweed-whacker. She tells him she's not putting up with his crap right now, because they've been in the cab long enough as it is.

The clowns are headed into the subway as Al voices over that the long taxi ride did nothing for their morale. ClownJon revisits The Great Train Speech of 2001 by talking about how unsettling it is not to see any other teams doing what you're doing, because you can't tell if you're screwing up or not.

Kelly seems to think that Jon's negative attitude is impeding their progress. "Maybe if you'd light a little fire under your ass and get a little excited and a little stressed, we'd go faster." Jon points out the undeniable fact that while they're stuck in traffic, his attitude is unlikely to do very much. Kelly approaches the dangerous precipices of Mount Flo by saying that she's so tired of coming in last that she's "rather not come in than come in last." Noooo! Don't do that, Kelly. It's a short distance over that cliff and a long way back up.

Team Who hops out of their cab at a subway station. They get on the train.

Jon and Kelly's subway battle continues. "How do you know there's not a subway station right --" She points out the window. "'Cause what we gotta do is go across the bridge, then the bridge doesn't have traffic on it, Kel." Eh? That made no sense. thing you know, they're on the bridge, and indeed, it doesn't have traffic on it. He still did a really crappy job of explaining what he was talking about. She, as usual, is not happy about him turning out to be right about anything. "You know what? I hope you get eliminated just to prove a point. Just to prove that assholes never come in first. That's what I hope happens. And lucky me -- I'm engaged to the asshole." Ugh. They need a different way to fight, I think. She needs not to be so damn stubborn in the first place, and then he needs to not be such a relentless prick whenever he turns out to be right about anything, which hopefully will in turn keep her from being such a petulant baby. It's all about a positive version of the domino theory, you know.

You'll never guess what Team Who is doing. No, really. Guess. Okay, I'll tell you. They're getting lost. Lost! They manage to blunder onto the wrong subway line, at which point a nice gentleman on the train -- who is extremely well-dressed and quite a cutie-pie, as well as one of the better English-speakers they've encountered in a while -- tells them that they need to switch trains. "Dammit," they mutter. Well, it wouldn't be a complete episode if they didn't go the wrong direction at some point. When they get off the train, however, rather than switching to the other subway line, they grab another cab and ask the driver to take them to the subway station. Wow, my head hurts.

Chipsters on the subway. There's a really interesting shot here, which I think can't be an accident, that shows Chip looking really stricken, like he's getting extremely tired all of a sudden. The race takes a bite, after all, out of everyone eventually. And I'm sure being frozen into a Chipsicle didn't do him any favors in this department.

Kelly and Jon arrive at the subway station in their cab. The Chipsters are already there, searching the station for the clue box. Because Kelly and Jon come in at a different entrance, it appears, they find the clue box first. BuffJon opens the clue while Kelly looks on, still unhappy about the cab fight. It's this week's Detour, and the choices are Strong Hands and Strong Stomach. In Strong Hands, you follow a map to a martial arts center and use a little Tae Kwon Do to break boards with your hands. Phil points out that while this sounds difficult, it's not all that bad. In Strong Stomach, they have to follow a map to a restaurant where they'll have to eat "a Korean delicacy," which turns out to be extremely fresh octopus. In fact, Phil describes it as "live." Given that's chopped up, I'm not sure if I'd say it's "live," but I'm not comfortable classifying it as "dead" either. You've heard of chicken in wine, right? Well, this is octopus in limbo.

Kelly and Jon discuss the fact that the restaurant is within walking distance, whereas for the boards, they'll need a cab. "It's gonna be, like, buttlickers," Jon says, and Kelly says, "No, let's break the board." Heh. They grab a cab.

Inside the station, the Chipsters have found the route marker. Based on the fact that the restaurant is close and the martial arts center is far away, Chip advocates the Strong Stomach option, so that's what they do. They find a young lady outside who walks them to the right street, and when they find the restaurant, they head inside. They do not comment on the huge octopus cartoon on the front window, although you'd think a smart fellow could take it as a hint of what's to come. There's a brilliant cut directly to the Chipsters, sitting at a table, staring uneasily at a glass bowl filled with water that has several live octopi swimming around in it. As the sounds of chopping come from somewhere, the Chipsters look around apprehensively. ["I loved how the table seemed a little too tall for them, too, so they both looked like little kids dreading the approach of Brussels sprouts. Hee." -- Sars]

Meanwhile, Kelly and BuffJon head into the martial arts center. Elsewhere, the miserable Team Who continues to struggle to get to the subway station. David looks miserably over the driver's shoulder, while Jeff calls out that it's only half a mile or so, so it can't be too hard to find. The only thing that redeems the misery of this scene is the shot that allows you to check out Jeff's eyes. In my happy dream world, everyone's eyes would be that strange blue-gray color. "He has no fucking idea where we have to go to," David says miserably as he sits back into the back seat. I guess the good news is that the driver has no idea what David is saying, most likely. Jeff rubs his pretty eyes with his gloves.

Reichen wears a panicky expression as Chip voices over that the task involved "a plate of freshly-cut octopus." He remarks that the plate was still moving, as we look on and see that, indeed, this is the case. In one of the absolute funniest and freakiest things they've ever shown, Reichen puts one in his mouth and tries to chew it, and as he explains in a voice-over, while he tried to chew and swallow it, its tentacles attached themselves to his teeth. Aaaaaack. It's just brilliant, the way you can actually watch his face go from "Eh, this isn't so bad, I'll just lie back and think of sushi," all the way to "Holy mother of...it's in my mouth and it's resisting." He pulls it out of his mouth and throws it onto the plate. Which it crawls off of. Eeeewwww. Chip battles his gag reflex as he tries to work through his plate. "Are we allowed to vomit?" Reichen asks the waitress, and she waves her hands frantically. Which I think means, "We'd really rather you didn't." I think that's a pretty common policy in your better restaurants. Chip voices over that more than anything, it was the sheer quantity of octopus they were expected to eat that created the problem.

Strong Hands. BuffJon is preparing to punch through the boards. WHAM! He gets the first set on his first try. "Did it hurt?" Kelly asks curiously, and he goes into a cartoonish crane kick pose that I thought was a little funny. Kelly thinks so, too, and grins at him. He does the second set, remarking, "That one hurt." He does the third set, so now it's Kelly's turn. As usual, BuffJon wants to coach her, and as usual, she'd rather he wouldn't. Her first attempt does nothing, as she seems in part to misjudge the distance so that it might have worked if her arm was longer, if that makes sense. BuffJon voices over that he knew she was in some pain after the failed attempt, but to her credit, she does really try to suck it up and not bitch. She voices over that she wanted to burst into tears, but didn't.

Reichen continues to battle the octopus, and he's now having significantly more trouble than Chip. Chip comes up with a new idea to help Reichen finish it off. "Remember our wedding?" he asks. "I do," Reichen says, catching on. They say, in unison, "Oyster shooters." (Pardon me if I pause here to say...I'll just have the baby quiches, thanks.) At any rate, Chip starts taking little bits of octopus and putting them in cups of cold water that Reichen can just down by throwing them to the back of his throat. It's a good idea, although I have to say my mother really didn't like it when I coped with her requirement that I eat peas by taking them like pills. It seems to really help Reichen, though, so big props to Chip.

Kelly is back at the boards. Her punch looks like it breaks one board, but not all of them. She voices over that she did not want to go back and eat the food, so there was no choice but to cope with the boards. She punches again and breaks the last two. "She's tough," BuffJon voices over. "She's a tough, tough person. She was gonna do whatever it took." There's a shot of her taking the punch that's so great that if it were me, I would consider that the iconic image of my lifetime. Unfortunately, she doesn't actually break any boards. Eh, details. She psyches herself up again, and "WHAM!" -- she breaks them all. Jon gives her the appreciative holler. He then starts to coach her again, and she tells him simply, "Shut your pie hole, please." He does come up with a good motivator , when he says, "Get pissed off, Kel. That's me, just hit my face. Hit my face." This one, she gets on the first try. WHAM! She voices over: "That's all he had to say, I did it clean." They high-five. She's so excited, she runs right out of the room, almost forgetting that they need to grab a clue (metaphorical event alert!). BuffJon voices over that he thinks Kelly's doing great, and he's "so proud of her." They rip and read the clue that sends them to the pit stop, which Phil explains is at Gyeongbokgung Palace. Outside, they grab a cab as we see a shot of Kelly's knuckles, which are beat up and a little bloody from her encounters with the boards. I know just how she feels.

At the subway station, the clowns are arriving. They read the clue, and although the restaurant is closer, they decide to go for the boards.

Reichen breaks his last big piece of octopus into four pieces, which he downs with four more gulps of water, and at last, they're done. They get the pit stop clue and take off in their taxi.

At last, the beleaguered Team Who makes it to the subway station. Clearly concerned about their standing and seduced by the shorter distance, they decide to go for the restaurant.

At the martial arts center, ClownJon is preparing to take his shot at the boards. He hits them so damn hard that they not only break, they fly into little tiny pieces and scatter all over the room. He even does it with a good "hyah!" "Good God," mutters an intimidated Al with a chuckle. ClownJon even looks a little surprised himself. He explains in a voice-over that he messes around in the circus breaking pieces of Styrofoam, but that really doesn't explain why he's king of this, necessarily. He lines up for the set of boards. "Hyah!" he yells, and his punch sends everything flying yet again. He steps up for the third one. "Hyah!" This time, I think the boards just collapse out of pure fright. He steps back, bows, and it's over. And by "it," I mean "the drop-dead sexiest display of pure physical might I have ever seen from a circus clown." Al stands back, clearly thinking, "Yeah, thanks, man. I can really use a new complex."

David and Jeff arrive at the octopus restaurant. David says, "Hopefully, the Korean delicacy is pizza and Budweiser." Heh. They go inside. "Oh, my God, they're alive, David," Jeff says. Jeff describes in a voice-over how they listened to the chopping, and then before they knew it, the plates were slid in front of them. "Dude, your plate's moving," David says. Jeff looks around with some confusion, like, "Is this supposed to be like this? With the continuing movement and everything?" thing you know, he's pointing out the most disturbing feature of all. "The tentacles still work, bro." "One's, like, climbing off my plate," says a disbelieving David. It's true that it's been a while since my dinner made a run for it. "They suction on your teeth while you're trying to chew 'em," David says in some disbelief. "That's a big plate of it, too," says an unhappy Jeff. "Dude," David responds, "there's like eyeballs and stuff." They look at the plates miserably, beginning to realize they may actually not be able to do this task.

Commercials. I wonder if I would have had more fun in college if I had taken a blender. I'm not sure it ever occurred to me.

The boys take one more look at their plates of octopus and decide that it's just not happening for them. "Do you want to go karate chop three boards? Let's," Jeff says. "You want to?" David says. "Yeah," Jeff says. David chuckles, and they leave. He then voices over that if he had eaten one or two more bites, he would have thrown up. Yeah, I kind of had that impression.

Here's Al, gearing up for the board-punching. It takes him two punches to get through the first set. The second set, he demolishes very nicely. Ditto the third. They bow again, and it's time to go. They read the clue and go outside and hop in a cab.

Team Who shows up at the boards, and Jeff remarks that they were "both ready to take some aggravation out" anyway, and then we see Jeff making short work of the boards. David steps up and flubs the first punch, but from there, it's pretty much POW! POW! POW! "At least I could do something right," he voices over. That's the key to their success -- punching! More punching! They read the pit stop clue and leave.

BuffJon and Kelly are in their cab on the way to the pit stop, and they're debating whether to bail and run for the palace -- which they think they see -- or to wait it out in traffic. The Chipsters, meanwhile, are unhappy with their cab driver for being "a wimp" who "wouldn't pass anybody." Kelly and Jon do eventually bail on the cab and run, though she's convinced they're in the wrong place. Jon thinks they can just feel their way around the palace until they find the flags, while this makes Kelly very nervous. Chip, meanwhile, is telling their cab driver that they're getting out, too. "This isn't it, Jon," Kelly says some more. Before you know it, however, she and BuffJon are running up to the mat. I have to say that if I were ever in a position to either take directions from Kelly or do the exact opposite of that, I might well choose the latter. Welcome to Seoul, BuffJon and Kelly, you are team number one. They are extremely excited. "I didn't break my hand for nothin'!" she says happily. Phil shares the good news that they've won a vacation to "the sunny Caribbean" for after the race. You know, it's no "six days and five luxurious nights at the fabulous Trump Cabana St. Croix," but it does sound less dodgy than "festive Latin America." "You guys are number one," Phil says. "This is our first time -- we're virgins," Kelly says coquettishly. "She's the only girl," BuffJon says, pointing at Kelly, "and she just kicked all their butts." This takes Kelly a moment to absorb, and then she jumps up and down excitedly. "That's right!" she says happily. Hee. They smooch again.