You Are Just Deliberately Trying To Make Us Lose!

Previously on National Buffoon's European Vacation: Chuck felt a little constricted, and not just for the obvious reasons. The ethics of line-jumping were analyzed at a level of coma-inducing detail that hasn't been reached since the New York Times sat down, plunged its nose into its navel, and emerged with a forty-thousand-word explanation of how someone named "Mike" came to be identified in a photo caption as "Doug," and what that means for the future of American journalism. Jeff put the Chipsters' integrity in question, and AirSteve did the same for the integrity of their tires. Jeff thought the real question was why the models all feel "privileged," while I thought the real question was whether Jeff has lifts in his shoes. Tian and Jaree used the Fast Forward to stay out of last place, and Dave used what was left of his knee to keep from having to be taken to the pit stop in a golf cart. Josh and DadSteve were Philiminated, which is a sad but necessary thing, because honestly, I don't think I could stand to see someone cross the finish line in a Public Enemy t-shirt. Horns of Perseverance (HoP) Count during this week's previouslys: Three. Last week really did set the standard.

"Who will be eliminated..." Heartened by the Spike Lee lawsuit, hundreds of men named "Stu" file claims against Dinty Moore. ". . . tonight?"

Credits. This Week's Fun Fact You Can Learn From Zaprudering The Credits With The Assistance Of TiVo: DadSteve keeps Josh in an iron cage. [BOMP.]

Commercials. You know, I always say I would eat more peanut butter sandwiches if they weren't so darn much work. It's about time someone eliminated all that tiresome spreading.

Drunken cameramen careen around Marseilles, which Phil, the host with the educational most, points out was founded by the Greeks and has become one of Europe's busiest port cities. We then swing around to look directly down the driveway of the picturesque Chateau des Alpilles, which Phil explains was the fourth pit stop. During the recap of last week's mat arrivals, I notice that Jeff arrived wearing his sunglasses over the bandanna on top of his head. Nice look, if you're cleaning chimneys in Fort Lauderdale. Phil explains that the teams got here at the end of the leg, and they've been enjoying their mandatory rest period ever since. Well, considering some of the dispositions we're dealing with, I suppose "enjoying" is a strong word. But I suppose Phil is in no position to speak the truth, which is probably that the break allowed them to eat, sleep, and make rabbit ears behind the heads of the other teams during their interviews. Phil wonders aloud whether the bickering Tian and Jaree will find a way to make peace, and whether AirSteve and Dave have enough magic left to keep pulling quarters out of the ears of fate.

2:26 AM. Tian and Jaree. Tian is wearing her ever-present sleek black stretchy pants, and Jaree is wearing her ever-present like-I-care cargo pants. Seriously, I am convinced that the pants are the key to unlocking their personal conflict. Tian seems to have a firm belief that this whole thing should look like an episode of Charlie's Angels, and she's got a partner who dresses like Amy Wynn. It's no wonder they're fighting. Anyway, the clue tells them to get to Amsterdam, Holland, which Phil explains is a thousand miles away. Not wanting to be too obvious with the clichs, the camera guys swoop over a windmill to illustrate the concept of "Holland." HAVE A TULIP! AND PERHAPS A DISEASED ELM! In Amsterdam, Phil says that teams will have to find the Magere Brug, which is reportedly a famous bridge, though it's not clear what it's famous for. Phil does say it's the "famous skinny white bridge," so maybe it's famous for being skinny and white. (I hear that's the only kind of bridge Harrison Ford will cross anymore, by the way.) Anyway, for this leg of the race, they're only getting $90. Why do I think it's by design that they haven't padded the racers with cash as they send them to the land of legal pot and hookers? Tian and Jaree toss their stuff in the car and talk about finding their way to the Marseilles airport. On the road, they have a tense exchange in the car about directions, and Jaree interviews that she's not so big on being treated like a child just because she drives instead of reading the map. I totally agree that backseat navigators tend to forget that driving is partly in the execution, and it's not like the person driving isn't doing anything. The driver is the one who actually has to get the car into the lane she needs, and manage the strange roads. The driver isn't always the slacker in these situations; it's just a different skill.

2:41 AM. Al and ClownJon, and Millie and Chuck. (Note how tiny Tian and Jaree's FF-driven lead was. In part, that's what you get for taking a Fast Forward late in the leg.) There is entirely too much enthused hooting going on as the International Society of Clowns and Virgins runs off the mat. And who is that that makes the "ay ay ay" Speedy Gonzalez noise all the time? Is that Millie? Stop that, whoever you are. I'm not offended or anything; it just makes me really want Mexican food. In an interview, Millie gets things off to a foreboding start by defying Kelly's description of her as "too happy." In fact, she doesn't seem happy at all. "I feel like Chuck doesn't even know me in some ways," she says. Snerk. You know, you'd think that a couple in their situation would have a list on the backs of their hands of Double-Entendre Land Mines to Avoid, but if they do, she forgot to consult it. Millie and Chuck both look utterly miserable in this interview, as she goes on to say that she's traveled and done a lot of things, and Chuck just doesn't seem to "respect" that. Which appears to mean, "I know how things should be done, and he won't listen to me." Criminy. You can't expect people to do whatever you tell them to do just because you tell them to do it, even if you think you know more than they do. ["Oh, sure, now you tell me." -- Sars] Over in the clown car, ClownJon wisely voices over that they're trying not to pay attention to other teams; they're just trying to do well and always run the race like they're in last place. "Push, push, push," he says in an interview. What's this? A goofball attitude and intelligent racing? Hmm, seems promising.

2:45 AM. Monica and Sheree. There is not a word about their husbands this week (yay!), as Monica states simply that they're "still getting along great." In the car on the way there, we hear Monica voice over that they never yell at each other or demean each other, no matter what happens. She then interviews that they wouldn't mind seeing Tian not around anymore, but it's really hard to tell whether that's personal or strategic. It seems like she's saying Tian is nasty, but she also might be saying Tian is tough. It's cut funny, so it's hard to tell.

At the Marseilles airport, the tough but nasty Tian is checking on the Air France counter, which is closed, what with it being the middle of the night. The guy advises her that it will be open around 5:00 AM.

2:54 AM. Chipsters. Chip manages to make it through the rip-read without quite as much bizarre enunciating as last week. Maybe someone told him that even though he was in a foreign country, most of the viewers speak English. Reichen, on the other hand, has something under his arm that looks like a big piece of posterboard with some kind of big brightly-colored chart on it. Apparently, they have hit Marseilles right in the middle of the science fair, and Reichen could not resist entering his analysis of how quickly water beads on his cheekbones. In the car, Chip makes the mistake of commenting that Marseilles is pretty, which brings a bit of snorting and disapproval from Reichen about how they don't have time to see the sights, and how when they get distracted by pretty things (their reflections, for instance), they start missing turns and doing other bad and un-race-like things. As Reichen says, "We have a tendency to drive by stuff." Hee. "Can't do that," he says, with a weird, smirking, stoner-like waggle of his head -- the kind of smirking stoner head-waggle that is only cute if you're Breckin Meyer. Everybody else? No.

2:57 AM. David and Jeff. ("Whooooo?") Trying desperately to inject personality into these guys like a flavoring agent into a frozen turkey, the editors shoehorn in a moment where Jeff tells David to turn the car around. Oh, I get it! They totally have personalities! Jeff is Guy Who Makes You Turn The Car Around and David is Guy Who Turns The Car Around! I have seen the light! They're totally interesting. I can't stop watching them with rapt attention. And I'm not just saying that because of these toothpicks holding my eyes open. Anyway, Jeff says he doesn't mean to be bossy with David, but the race is important. The narrow streets of Marseilles creak under the weight of this editorial effort to convince you that Jeff is The Pushy One. See? They're totally not the same guy except for their hair. Pay no attention to the identical bar codes on the backs of their necks.

3:00 AM. Kelly and BuffJon. In the car, map light around her head, Kelly says that she's terrible with maps. What happened to the girl who wanted to be half the team? I guess it was the non-map-reading half as well as the non-tire-changing half, huh? And the non-Beethovenhaus-finding half, and the non-correct-Detour-option-choosing half...she'll need to let him know when she spots a half of the relationship of which she's interested in taking possession. Anyway, he tells her that she needs to work on reading maps, because she can't always be the driver. I have to concur that coming on this show and declaring that you don't read maps is a little like going on a Barbara Walters special and warning that everything is okay except for personal questions. Kelly says in an interview that they're fairly newly engaged, so they're "learning as [they] go," and she's anxious to know whether the things he does on the race are the ways he'll treat her when they're married. (It would be very interesting to think about whether the remainder of this episode will be a metaphor for their marriage. I think you would find married people who would tell you that it is, in fact, all about how you do when called upon to find something good in a fifteen-foot pile of manure.)

ClownJon and Al arrive at the airport, with Millie and Chuck right behind them. As they get out of the car, she whines, "Come on, Chuck, we've got to hurry." Presumably because she's traveled before to fast-moving locales, and so she's learned about hurrying. And he totally doesn't respect that. Or something.

4:19 AM. AirSteve and Dave, running significantly behind, as usual. Their off-the-mat voice-over this week consists of AirSteve explaining that they're the tortoise as opposed to the hare. Of course, the point of the tortoise was steady progress. These guys are sort of like the tortoise, if the tortoise occasionally took wrong turns and wandered off into the woods to take naps, in which case, proverb schmoverb -- I think you bet on the bunny. AirSteve slaps his own face in the car, trying to wake up. He then does a head-shake that sends very disturbing seismic waves through the flesh of his face. That may have scarred me for life.

At the Marseilles airport, here come Monica and Sheree and Kelly and BuffJon. By the time the Chipsters arrive, the line for Air France includes Tian and Jaree, Millie and Chuck, and Kelly and BuffJon. Apparently Al and ClownJon and the Falconettes went elsewhere. Sitting at the back of the line, Reichen voices over that he was sure that there would only be tickets for two teams, so he and Chip would wind up getting "screwed." He's irritatingly smirky during this scene, as well -- "smarmed and dangerous," as my friend Pool Boy would say. Chip approaches Tian at the front of the line and quietly asks her to book tickets for them. ACK! Not this again. I hate this. It's not cheating, I guess, but if I wrote the rules, I would make one of them that although booking tickets for a group is all right, the entire group has to be at the front of the applicable line at the time (see Kevin in Tunisia, and don't miss the supplementary explanation). At any rate, Tian says that she'll talk to Jaree about whether they should work with the Chipsters. This does not necessarily mean she will allow Jaree to talk to her in return, of course. Millie gets wind of this plan. "So you guys are going to be buying their tickets so they're going to be all gone?" she demands of Tian. Why would they necessarily be all gone? Whatever. "I did not say that," Tian answers. A peeved Millie stomps off with Chuck in tow, and she explains in an interview that they were afraid that Tian and Jaree would buy up all the tickets, so they went to another counter with ClownJon and Al. Now here's my question: ClownJon and Al arrived at the airport at the same time as Millie and Chuck and were not in line at Air France, but they are seen going from there to British Airways with Millie and Chuck. You don't suppose Millie and Chuck were planning on buying the clowns' tickets, do you? Or letting them butt in line after they checked out other airports? I have no idea if that's the case, but if it were, gosh, that would be ironic.

The Air France counter opens, and Tian and BuffJon both reach ticket agents at the same time and start the booking process. The lady behind the counter explains that she can only send you to Amsterdam by routing you through Paris, and there are only enough seats for two teams on the flight. The problem, obviously, is that if Tian books two sets of tickets before BuffJon can book, BuffJon will get hosed. Tian tells Chip that he'll have to have a conversation about it with Kelly and BuffJon. And what -- ask permission? She should have just said she wasn't doing it, because that was rather a cluckety-cluck approach. Unsurprisingly, here's what BuffJon has to say to the Chipsters on the applicable ethics: "No cutting. I'll punch your eye out." Hee. No, no, I know -- you shouldn't threaten physical violence. But still. "No cutting" is an unassailable sentiment, and it's about time somebody told the Chipsters to step off the sense of entitlement. The Chipsters leave and head for British Airways. Reichen explains that they knew they could "use [their] physical abilities to get in front" later in the leg, so they "decided to honor the line" and let the flight thing go. Again, right decision, wrong reason. You would never give up a flight on the theory that you can run faster. The reason to leave is that they didn't have a choice about abiding by the line. When Tian told them they had to talk to Kelly and BuffJon about it, she "decided" she wasn't buying their tickets.

At British Airways, Millie is booking tickets on the 6:50 AM flight to London for the International Society of Clowns and Virgins. Back at Air France, Tian hands a ticket to Jaree while Kelly asks the ticket lady whether they're flying into Orly or Charles de Gaulle. "Charles de Gaulle," the lady explains. You wouldn't think it would matter, but it does, a little, later. Hee -- "flying into Charles de Gaulle" sounds like something that would happen in a movie called The Fantastic Voyage II: The Eminent Cadaver.

Monica and Sheree book the British Airways route along with the ISCV and the Chipsters.

The trailing teams of AirSteve and Dave and David and Jeff make their way into the airport. They learn from the Air France lady that the only thing she can do for them is route them through Paris on a flight that actually lands at Orly, at which point they'll have to take a taxi to Charles de Gaulle to catch the connection. Total time on the ground? One hour. Yeah, that seems like sound planning. I have to think they got reassurance that if they missed that connection, there was another one not too much later, because it would be truly insane to put all your eggs in the basket of making a connection when you have one hour on the ground and have to take a taxi ride in the middle. I hear a lot of great things about transportation in Europe, but I'm not sure the taxis can teleport yet.

At 6:25, the lead Air France flight takes off, carrying Tian and Jaree and Kelly and BuffJon. The AYL shows its path through Paris to Amsterdam. At 6:50, the British Airways folks (the ISCV, Chipsters, and Falconettes) take off and zing across the map via London while Chuck eats a sandwich and the clowns, unsurprisingly, fence with the plastic silverware. They don't show it, but you know it started with somebody saying, "En garde!" You know it.

At 7:14, the Bad Idea Airlines flight to Orly takes off with AirSteve and Dave and David and Jeff, taking them to try to catch the Oh Yeah Right Express connection to Amsterdam. On the flight, Jeff points out that AirSteve and Dave are literally right behind them -- like, in the following row. The teams share a chuckle at this. The AYL takes them as far as Paris, and then stops as we watch their plane land at Orly. They deplane, and Jeff and David run for a taxi. AirSteve and Dave, of course, amble for a taxi with all the urgency of Gene Kelly and Leslie Caron strolling along the Seine. Jeff, in his cab, asks the driver if they can make it to Charles de Gaulle by 9:10, which the driver says is "thirty minutes," and the driver says it will be "tight." When the driver says "tight," that means "no." (Later, the guys talk about missing a 10:15 flight out of Charles de Gaulle, so I'm not sure how the times fit together here, but I have to assume somebody misspoke at some point, because if they were trying to get to Charles de Gaulle by 9:10 for a 10:15 flight, they had more than an hour between landing an takeoff, obviously.) Anyway, AirSteve and Dave find a cab, too, but both teams are soon caught in traffic, as the Foreboding Chimes Of Congestion express thusly: "Bong! Bong!" David, staring forward in a zombie-like fashion, explains that there's been an accident, so they're not moving. You know, when the highlight of your storyline is That One Time When We Sat In Traffic, you know you're struggling to find your place in the grand scheme of things, plot-wise.

In brighter news, the Air France folks land on the ground at 11:02. Kelly and BuffJon get out of the airport in first place, a hair ahead of Tian and Jaree. I would note that Tian and Jaree have rented a luggage cart to carry their packs through the airport, and have started to stroll rather listlessly themselves. I won't say what I fear they have come down with, but it rhymes with "Filler Katigue."

At 11:05, the British Airways flight lands in Amsterdam. The Falconettes, Chipsters, and ISCV hustle off the plane in that order. The ISCV splits up, however, because Millie and Chuck heed the lesson of The Estrogen Brigade Fiasco and choose to take a taxi from the airport to the bridge, while everybody else, including ClownJon and Al, goes for the train. Tian and Jaree ask at an information desk for some advice about whether it's "easier" to take a taxi or a train into the city, and the guy tells them that a taxi is "a lot more expensive." Can I ask why anyone even has this conversation with ground transportation guys? Is it news that as a general rule, taxis are more expensive and faster, while trains are less expensive and slower? Is it not missing the point to take the train because it's cheaper? Perhaps I'm thinking too hard. It has been known to happen. Anyway, the Falconettes, Chipsters, Kelly and BuffJon, and the clowns all wind up on the same train out of the airport. Tian and Jaree, however, dawdle buying a map and dawdle generally, so the train hurtles off without them, leaving them standing on the platform, firmly in last place among the teams that have already made it to Amsterdam.

Millie watches from the window of her cab as she and Chuck drive right along beside the train, just edging it out on the trip into the city. She repeats that the information she got was that the taxi would be faster, because it could go right to the bridge, while the train would ultimately go past the bridge, forcing teams to double back. Chuck is first to spot the bridge as they taxi through town, so they stop the cab and hop out. They run to the clue box at the edge of the bridge and pull the clue, which tells them to choose one of the metal boats in the river and drive themselves to the Scheepvaart Museum, which is dedicated, as Phil explains, to "the nautical history of Holland." Unfortunately, the teams probably will not have time for the educational filmstrip. Millie and Chuck hop in a boat.

Elsewhere, the train stops and four teams hop out.

On the boat, Millie impatiently wheedles the lady who's on the boat with them to get going, and Chuck points out that the lady isn't driving. They have to drive themselves, just as it said on the clue when he read it thirty seconds ago. "We have to read our clue?" Millie asks the lady. HA! Exactly. Boy, if that's not a metaphor for the deteriorating performance of teams in elementary clue-reading, I don't know what is. "We have to drive ourselves," Chuck repeats, since she ignored him last time. It also appears that Chuck is reading the directions and figuring out how to operate the boat, while Millie is just sitting there snapping at people and saying what a hurry she's in. While they're still trying to figure out what they're doing, here come the teams running from the train. It sure didn't look like the train went very far past the bridge, so I'm not sure about the quality of the information Millie got at the airport. "I have no clue which way we're facing," Chuck says, staring at a map. "Just start drivin'," Millie says. Why, sure! What better way to choose a direction than pure, unadulterated luck? I say maps are for people who aren't conversant with their own mojo. Chuck interviews that they were "frantic": "We didn't know if we should go quick, or stop and read the map." Millie literally has her head down and is rubbing her eyes at this point in the interview, so tense is she over this situation, even hearing it described significantly later. Back at the bridge, Millie watches the other teams approaching. "Look at me, not them," Chuck says. "I know where we are, you showed it to me," Millie says impatiently. "Please go, Chuck." In other words, she is not reading the map. She did not read the clue. She is not steering the boat. What, precisely, is Millie doing at this point, besides criticizing everything he does?

The Chipsters read the clue, except for the part where they refer to the "bluh-bluh-bluh museum." Heh.

Back in the Chuck and Millie boat, she keeps telling him to get going. In The World's Most Uncomfortable Interview, Chuck says that the whole time he was trying to figure out the map, Millie kept yammering to get going, which made it impossible for him to concentrate. It's hard to convey how uncomfortable this interview is to watch -- Millie fidgets the entire time and looks incredibly irritated while he's talking. It's a little creepy.

As BuffJon and the clowns read the clue, we get the information that the operating instructions for the boat, as well as a map, were indeed provided to them. Monica and Sheree take the slightly wrong route walking to the bridge and have to get turned around, which is funny mostly because they call out to a guy on the bridge, "How do we get up there?" and they say it in perfect unison, sort of the way you sometimes hear twins do. Identical inflection, identical pitch -- it's very unusual for unrelated people to be capable of that, I find.

Back on The Millie and Chuck Boat of Misery. "Let me make sure we're going the right way," Chuck says, "or this is useless." "Please go, Chuck," Millie says, with substantial dollops of disgust and contempt. Sigh.

Eiffel Tower! Arc de Triomphe! We must be in the Little France section of Amsterdam. Oh, no, wait. We're in actual Paris, where The Taxi Ride Of Not On Your Life, Buddy continues. David and Jeff note in their cab that it's now five minutes before the flight leaves, and although they fail to complete the thought, the rest of it is, "So, yeah. Not gonna happen." Both teams go inside -- Jeff and David hustling, AirSteve and Dave strolling, of course -- and the plane is indeed gone. (This is where I think you can hear David say, "The 10:15's gone." So that's why I'm confused by comment about trying to get to the airport by ten after nine.)

Commercials. You know, Grandpa, if you need Verizon Wireless to ever have a chance to talk to anyone, it might be because you are wearing an apron with a tuxedo printed on it. Like, ha ha ha. Normal people don't want to stand to you. Take a hint.

After a little Parisian careening, we return to the Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris, where AirSteve and Dave and Jeff and David have found themselves stranded without a connection to Amsterdam. Both teams manage to get tickets on KLM, which I am obligated to hate because it is affiliated with Northwest Airlines, which I still haven't forgiven for losing my luggage two Christmases ago because the lady at the counter simply assumed that my bag should be sent to the same destination as the guy who was in line in front of me. We figured this out while I was still standing right there at the ticket counter, but it was too late to get my bag back and re-tag it, because it had disappeared into Luggageland, which is a black void to which mere mortals have no access. Now, not only was this a disgusting reinforcement of sexist stereotypes, but -- please, like I would have been traveling with that guy. Anyway, they sent my bag off with him, forcing me to learn the warm holiday lesson that it is truly better to receive than to give. "Thanks for the gift! I got you -- nothing, actually." Where was I? Oh, right. KLM. Anyway, this KLM flight is leaving at 11:45 AM, so it looks like they lost an hour and a half or so. Finally, their plane takes off, and we've cleared everybody out of Paris at last. On the flight, Jeff's voice says that they need to hustle. It doesn't really sound voice-over-like, but his lips aren't moving either. Maybe he's a ventriloquist, and he's making it come out of his backpack. Now that would be a personality! Talking-Backpack Guy! I would totally watch him.

Millie and Chuck are still floating around, looking for the museum. Behind them are Kelly and Jon, and Kelly takes this moment to explain in an interview why she refers to Chuck and Millie as "the werewolf and Millie the Mole." She explains that Jon keeps looking at Millie and going "molemolemolemole," which I didn't know was an Austin Powers reference until someone told me, because I am increasingly the least hip person on the planet, with the possible exception of Tom DeLay. They call Chuck "werewolf" because although he's "very handsome," as Kelly explains it, the way his mouth twitches reminds her of "second stage werewolf," which is...sort of true, and substantially funnier than calling a girl with a mole "Millie the Mole," which really isn't funny at all. Of course, if I got too morally outraged at them for being catty, I think the bolt of lightning that would strike me would take out my entire apartment complex, which does house an admittedly small number of inoffensive people whom I would hate to see fried like pork rinds, so I'm going to leave it at an eye-rolling but understanding "tsk."

Chip and Reichen are floating and searching as well. They seem to be following Kelly and Jon, who are following Chuck and Millie, which I guess makes Millie the blonde leading the bland. And Kelly the chaser chasing the chaste. I have such a headache. In another part of the river, Al thinks he is actually understanding where he and ClownJon are. The clowns note that the other teams all went the opposite direction, which they find baffling, because it seems to them you would start out by actually figuring out where you're going. Silly clowns. Monica and Sheree are just taking off from the dock, and they find the whole boat-driving thing not entirely to their liking. When Tian and Jaree arrive at the dock, they're pretty flummoxed as well. In the boat, Jaree offers to drive so that Tian can look, but Tian just says she's fine, and acts like she knows where they're going. In an interview, Jaree says that Tian doesn't listen to her, but always just does what she wants to do. True, it would appear.

Up at the front of the Wrong-Way Riders, Chuck, who is looking at the map, says he's going to make a right. "No, no, no, no, no," Millie scolds like she's his mom. "Don't make a move until we know we're going the right way." Wait a minute, is that not exactly what he said when they were at the dock? Is that not when she acted like the dock was about to blow up and it was essential that they get away from it as soon as possible? She starts whining about how they're going to lose the pack of people and get behind and blah blah blah, and he asks her to please help him look for signs instead of wasting her energy bitching. Of course, he does not say "bitching." He says "doing that." And what is "that"? BITCHING. I just don't get it at all. He's wrong when he waits and tries to figure it out. He's wrong when he keeps going in the hopes that it will work out. What, exactly, could he have done that would have been right, besides obey?

Kelly and Jon are having a disagreement as well, because he's frustrated that she isn't doing a good job of following Millie and Chuck, while she thinks following people who look lost isn't a particularly great plan. "They're idiots. They don't know where they're going, I'm telling you," she says. Millie and Chuck, up ahead, note Kelly and Jon and the Chipsters both behind them. It appears that the first people to figure out that this entire gaggle of goofballs is going the wrong direction are Chip and Reichen. "We gotta turn around," Reichen says, so they do.

Who has successfully found the way to the museum first? The clowns. And why? Because they figured out where they were going instead of following somebody else or randomly driving off down a mystery canal and hoping for the best. They de-boat and hustle up on the dock in front of the museum, which is where the clue box is. The clue explains this week's Detour. The choices this week? Well, the choices are entitled "500 Kilograms" and "15 Feet." As Phil explains, the first choice is 500 Kilograms, in which the team will drive thirty miles to an outdoor market, put on wooden shoes, and use a stretcher to carry cheese from a pile to a scale. They have to get exactly 500 kilograms of cheese on the scale to finish the task. Cheese is heavy, and the task is far away, so why would you choose that task? Well, because your other choice is "15 Feet," in which you go to a ranch that's only about half as far away, and you search for a clue. In a fifteen-foot pile of cow manure. Basically, your fear of death in a traditional Reckless/Chicken detour has been replaced by your fear of poo. Which is, for many people, equally paralyzing. Phil, in describing "15 Feet": "Teams are likely to wind up filthy, and smelling...pretty bad." It's hard to appreciate what a great line that was unless you can hear it in Phil's accent, and the way he says it with the dramatic pauses, just like he does when he threatens you with smearing your entrails down the side of a mountain.

Al suggests they do the cow manure. "Cow manure!" ClownJon yells manically, in exactly the way that drove me totally nuts at the beginning of the season and is sort of inexplicably growing on me. They do seem to throw themselves into everything with great enthusiasm, and given the increasingly grim attitudes of some of these teams as they begin to get really tired, a little irrational exuberance goes a long way. Plus, all other things being equal, I gravitate toward weird people.

Millie is laying into Chuck but good for making a wrong turn. "Chuck, I begged you back there not to turn," she says coldly. "I said, 'Please...,' and you don't even acknowledge that I have an opinion." In an interview, Millie says that this is just how they are in their normal lives together. [Shudder.] Elsewhere, Kelly and Jon snap at each other that they're mad about screwing up, but they wind up on the same side -- mad at themselves for following Chuck and Millie, who turned out to be clueless. As the Kelly and BuffJon boat passes the Millie and Chuck boat, Millie mutters, and Kelly mutters, and then Kelly mutters about Millie muttering. Yeah, I'd say those two are not friends. At least Jon and Kelly wind up muttering together about Millie and Chuck, rather than muttering about each other, and that's what makes me feel like although they're not terrifically nice people, it's not an ugly relationship.

Monica and Sheree, it appears, also started out going the wrong direction, so they turn around, too. They ask a guy walking by the canal whether they're on the right track for the museum, and he claims that they are. Probably about the best information they're going to get right now. My favorite part is that Monica could not sound more clear in calling out, "Is this the way to the Sheep Fart Museum?" When I first noticed that, it's really wrong how much it made me laugh. Because that would be quite a museum, I would think.

Tian and Jaree are fighting. Jaree has the map, and she is trying to explain that Tian is driving, and needs to let her navigate. "I know more than you know about where we are," she insists, map in hand. "Back off, don't talk to me like that," says an offended Tian, who of course would never talk in a pushy or unpleasant manner to her partner. Jaree very accurately claims that Tian is just pissed off because she was wrong and Jaree is right. "All I'm saying is let's go back this way," Jaree says, quite evenly. Tian insists that Jaree doesn't know where they are, either. Jaree explains that she does, and her tone of voice sounds like it's genuinely supposed to be reassuring. "We're going back this way, and I think we should make a right, and go towards the center --" At this point, Tian reaches out and snatches the map out of Jaree's hands, hard. Jaree turns and looks directly at the camera and says, "Wow," like, "Did you see that shit?" That's exactly what I do when someone does something I really, really object to -- I say, "Wow." Anyway. "She's so...amazing," Jaree says in a phony happy voice. Tian says Jaree has said before that she isn't good with maps, and now she's claiming she is. Jaree points out that it's relative -- she has in fact mastered this particular map, and feels like she understands where they are. Tian holds up the map in both of her hands and insists that Jaree show her where they are on the map, but when Jaree reaches for the map to show her, Tian pulls it away. So Jaree gives Tian back some of her own behavior, reaching over and snatching it away. Wow, nice moment they're having, and it's capped off by Jaree calling Tian "dumb-ass." Goodness. I think I'm glad they didn't bring those guns they have in the credits.

We float over some green fields, and then we land on Al and ClownJon in their car, on the way to the ranch. As they approach, they comment that the odor pretty much gives away that you're headed in the right direction. You know, that's exactly how I find Cinnabon at the mall.

Back at the Sheep Fart museum, the Chipsters are the second team to the clue. As they read it, they try to figure out just how tall fifteen feet would be. They both start out by holding their hands up to their chests, like, "Would it be more than this?" And then Chip holds his hand up to the top of his head, like, "Would it be more than this?" This is the stuff you couldn't make up. At any rate, by remembering how tall they are, they eventually come to comprehend the concept of "fifteen feet." "That's a lotta cow manure," Reichen says, with what I'm almost convinced is a slightly dry flash of humor, and that would certainly be a welcome change from everything we've seen up to this point. Anyway, they decide that's just too much poo to deal with, so they're doing the cheese. They laugh a little at themselves for it, which is kind of refreshing.

In the boat, Millie very, very foolishly says that she thinks they should consider the Fast Forward. Is she kidding? She knows Kelly and Jon are about even with them, she knows they're substantially ahead of AirSteve and Dave and Jeff and David, and she knows AirSteve and Dave can't take the Fast Forward. So why burn it? She's not that lost. I get the feeling that this is pure emotional panic, and perhaps an attempt to drive her point home to Chuck by creating a false crisis, because otherwise, it just baffles me. Phil shows up to explain the concept of the Fast Forward, and if you're too mature to appreciate the irony in the idea of Chuck and Millie trying to figure out "when it's most advantageous to go for it," you're a better person than I am. Oh, and you should probably go read National Geographic or something, because I've got nothing for you. Anyway, Phil explains that in this week's Fast Forward, the team must drive to the Molen Van Sloten Windmill (Dutch for "Insert Mole A in Slot B"), where each of them will be strapped to one of the sails of the windmill. They'll ride it around and around for ten revolutions, and then they're done. Meh. The windmill is cool, but as I've said before, I can live without these tasks where you don't do anything except return alive.

This is also as good a time as any to explain about Phil's sweater. Throughout this episode, Phil is wearing what is quite possibly the butt-ugliest sweater I have ever seen in all of my glorious life, and you should keep in mind that I lived through the thick of the Literal Sweater Years, in which it was believed in certain quarters that if you were, say, a musician, you should wear sweaters with big musical notes on them, or if you were an equestrian, you should wear sweaters with big horses on them. Phil's sweater this week is made of what appears to be a very thick, almost chenille-like weave that's primarily a kind of orangey-red color, but has light pebbly speckles running through it. It has white piping where the sleeves are attached (!), thin vertical stripes on the too-thick turtleneck collar (!!), thick white wraparound bands at the elbows (!!!), striped bands at the wrists (!!!!), and a belt-like striped band at the waist (!!!!!). Now, Phil is an attractive guy, and I accepted long ago that the show does not remotely do justice to what an attractive guy he is, but it does generally refrain from making him look like he buys his clothes from the crafts fair at a correctional institution. This is, after all, the kind of sweater that calls to mind one of those knitting gadgets that you buy from an infomercial, where they tell you that with four skeins of yarn, two rubber bands, and a 9-volt battery, you can knit a beautiful sweater in one evening. No needles required! Which is why it would be a perfect free time activity for Mike The Spike, who is serving life for offing his upstairs neighbor and is not allowed to handle anything pointy, including crayons. Bad, bad sweater.

"Let's go for the Fast Forward," Chuck says in the boat, so that Millie doesn't hurt him. They bail on the boats and scoot.

Elsewhere in Amsterdam, at 12:54 PM, the last flight is finally dragging into town carrying David and Jeff ("Whoooo?") and AirSteve and Dave. They all grab a train.

ClownJon and Al are driving through very green fields, looking for the manure ranch. They finally reach the flag, and before you know it, they are "woo hoo"-ing as they run up the path. As they reach the manure pile, ClownJon says to someone, "Where's the pile, man?" He hesitates, looks at the pile, and says, "Don't tell me that's the pile, man." Because fifteen feet of manure, it turns out, is kind of a lot. Not only that, but this is no stagnant manure pile. They're actually continually dropping a fresh supply on top of it, just in case it starts to get stale or anything. The last thing you want is for your poo to go bad. The clowns don white zip-up suits and boots, but as promised, their hands are left free. "You look ridiculous, man," ClownJon pot-kettles as Al walks toward the pile ahead of him. As they muck through a smaller preliminary pile, they decide that "that's not cool," so they'll go around and approach the pile from the other side. No need to get more on you than necessary, I suppose.

Kelly and Jon spot the flag at the museum and open the clue. "Let's do poo," Jon says gamely. "Poo?" Kelly says playfully. "You?" Hee. He points out that it's much closer, and she grits her teeth and moans, but she's smiling, and you can tell she's going to do it.

In the Chuck and Millie cab, Millie is crying, because Chuck never does what she wants, I guess. Or something. "Sorry," he says first, because Millie apologizing first is very unlikely, I suspect. "Not your fault," she says, to her credit. "It takes two; it's not your fault." She voices over, "I don't see how either one of us can not be realizing some of the huge compatibility issues that have been going on." Amen to that, sister. They approach the windmill, and they are strapped in. It certainly looks like this windmill is outfitted for this purpose, so I think the guy gives rides. It certainly doesn't look like being strapped to a windmill is as novel a notion as it was when Phil described it. The windmill starts revolving, and Millie shrieks. Round and round they go, and it looks like it's probably really interesting for them, but I don't find it that enthralling to watch. Again, I'm biased against these deals where they tie you to something. Chuck voices over that, given the frantic day they were having and the trouble they were having getting along, being alone on the windmill sail was actually a welcome moment of peace. When it's over, they're untied and given the keys to a marked car nearby, which they can drive to the pit stop, which is at the Kasteel Muiderslot. As Phil explains, it's yet another ancient castle in a nearby town. The last team to check in will be eliminated. There's the mat! The mat! Feeeear the mat!

Back at the Detour, Monica and Sheree do the rip-read, and as we see them get into their car, Monica explains that they're going for the poo.

Speaking of poo, ClownJon and Al are knee-deep in it as they clamber up onto the pile. No sooner do they get there than they start tossing wads of it at each other, as the obligatory Bassoon of Poo-Throwing Clowns honks agreeably in the background. Along the way, ClownJon manages to lose a boot, so he winds up balancing on one foot as they continue to fight and push each other. In an interview, ClownJon discusses how nasty it was to stand there on one foot, but Al points out that ClownJon was throwing the stuff around and "having the time of his life." They locate the clue at last and make their way out of the pile. It's an especially stinky rip-read as they learn that their destination is a statue called "The Smoker," which is in the nearby town of Monnikendam. Phil shows us the statue, and you should note that although there are several possibilities for a statue called "The Smoker," this guy is smoking fish, in the "creating smoked fish" sense. ClownJon gets ready to go, peeling off his extremely nasty sock, among other things. Heh.

In their cab, AirSteve and Dave are heading for the bridge. David and Jeff are also heading for the bridge, but according to the captions, they're behind AirSteve and Dave.

Tian and Jaree? Still lost. Actually returning to the starting point now, and getting more and more frustrated, and doing more and more bickering. "I guess we're just right back where we started from," Jaree says.

Commercials. I'm sorry, I obviously need more sleep. I think I just saw a commercial where Alfonso Ribiero waters his lawn and watches an old lady beat up a bunch of ninjas.

We return to the trials of Tian and Jaree. They seem to be getting on track now, but as Tian points out, they lost an hour and a half "because of [their] stupid bickering back and forth."

AirSteve and Dave pluck their clue for the boats. As they ride along a few minutes later, they agree that it's a beautiful day. "Gorgeous," says Dave.

"I'm fucking freezing," Tian complains. Hee hee. "Amsterdam sucks," she says bitterly. Oh, please. Like it's the city's fault you couldn't find a black olive at a Pizza Hut. Jaree -- undaunted, contrary, and doing her best -- happily says, "I like Amsterdam." Heh.

David and Jeff run to the bridge and get the boat clue. They note that there were no more clues in the box, so they're clearly in last place. They're lucky production remembered to leave one for them.

Tian and Jaree spot the museum flag at last. On the dock, Jaree rips the clue. She comments that she doesn't really want to play in cow manure, but Tian reasons that at least it will get her hands warm. Ew.

Kelly and Jon make their way toward the ranch. "Pooville, here we come!" Kelly calls out cheerfully. "That's the clowns, they played in the poo," she says as they see Al and ClownJon coming the other way. Both teams roll their windows down. "Did you play with poo?" BuffJon calls out. "Was it fun?" "Yep, yep," says ClownJon, and then everybody's off. Kelly voices over that the clowns are funny, and she likes them. When they reach the mythical Pooville, Kelly enjoys the white suit and goggles very much. "Hey, baby," she calls out to BuffJon with a sarcastic waggle of her hips, "I'm damn sex-ay." When they set out toward the pit, Jon sinks in almost immediately up to the middle of his shin. As he explains in an interview, this was a "nice juicy hole," which was just lovely. "This is poo quicksand!" he calls out. Jon makes the mistake of trying to scale the pile, which results in his getting hit with a wad of poo as it's being dropped on the top. "Oh, nooo!" he yells. "I got pooped!" Now, see, I loved them in that scene. They were good-humored and silly, which is really the only way to handle that task. I'm very conflicted about them.

Elsewhere: Cheesefest! Seriously, the wheels of cheese at this place (if we have Pooville, I guess we have Cheesetown) just go on and on in neat little rows. Freaky. As the tubas oom-pah cheerfully, as they must, the Chipsters pile out of their car. You will recall that they have to carry cheese across the square and onto the scales, using the stretcher. Note that with regard to the stretcher, you and your partner both face front and walk, and it dangles between you, behind the front person and in front of the back person, lashed to you with shoulder straps. They start by donning the clogs, and like anyone, they have to start by trying out the funny noises their shoes make. Cloppety-clop, hee hee. Come on, you would do the same thing. Then they load the stretcher up with wheels of cheese, wondering how much each one weighs and how many they can reasonably carry. They attach the stretcher, stand up with Reichen in the front, and take off. Between the clopping shoes, the heavy stretcher, and the general fact that there is cheese everywhere, this scene is just delightful in every way. Also, the Chipsters are giggling much of the time, which gives us a welcome opportunity to see them do something besides frown meaningfully, feud with other teams, and (in Reichen's case) mutter, "I can't believe it." There is also a friendly crowd of locals who have gathered to watch these out-of-town weirdos perform. "Chip, you're pushing me," Reichen says as he tries to walk. "I'm not doing anything," Chip laughs, trying not to lose it as he watches his I'm-too-sexy partner stumble around in his clogs. They finally make it to the scale and find that they've carried 72 kilograms of cheese. Only 428 kilograms to go.

"I fooound it!" Kelly calls happily from the manure pile. In their interview, Jon says, "I was like, 'Holy sh...poo! You got the clue!'" This makes Kelly laugh so hard that she collapses into his lap. These are the moments when I really like them -- my sense is that they make fun of everything, including other people but also including themselves and each other, and that doesn't strike me as inherently evil. As they stand to the pile, victorious, Jon says, "High five! High poo five!" and holds his filthy hand up. "Okay, let me use this poo hand," Kelly says, switching the clue to her cleaner hand and holding up the one that's far nastier. They poo-five, then they both turn away and gag. Come on, now -- that was funny.

At Cheesetown, the Chipsters are carrying a bigger load of cheese this time. Again, Reichen admonishes Chip not to push him from behind. (Yes, I know. The jokes abound. But I have deemed them beneath even me.) Load up the scale, and they're up to 282 kilograms. The guys working the scale explain to the Chipsters how to watch the big needle at the top to see whether they've got enough. They pick up the stretcher and head back for more cheese.

AirSteve and Dave and David and Jeff are still boating. Jeff explains that David can get aggressive, and really dug in with the paddle. This in spite of the fact that it's a motorboat. Don't know how much faster he's really making it go, but whatever. I get it -- David is Paddling Guy! He's Ruggedly Determined Guy! Did I get it right? Oy. Jeff suggests that the paddling was helpful, and they do reach the museum just before AirSteve and Dave, but it's hard to tell how much of the time they gained came from the paddling. David and Jeff select the poo, but AirSteve and Dave, right behind them, choose the cheese. This in spite of the fact that you can presumably tell from the clue that the heavy cheese is more physically demanding. In other words, Dave and AirSteve were in no position to be squeamish about the poo, which is why this decision just floors me. They interview that they thought nobody else would do the manure, so they didn't think they needed to. Sheesh. You're in last place. If you think nobody else is going to do it, that's the perfect time for you to do it and make up time. It's just a ridiculous decision.

The increasingly fearless, perky, and thoroughly likeable Monica and Sheree are in the poo as we speak, and Sheree has gotten her boot well mired in the pile. Monica pulls her out, and they find a clue. "I'll never complain about changing my son's diaper...ever again," Monica says as she opens the clue. Heh. You know, I've always wished they would cast a pair of intelligent, athletic, functional women who didn't get dinged by bad luck in the first couple of legs, and I think they might have finally managed it.

The saga of the Chipsters and the cheese continues. They actually load too much onto the scale at one point, but they remove some until they weasel it down to 500 kilograms exactly. Ding ding! The scale guys give them a hearty, warm round of applause, although when Chip goes in to hug one of them, he gets the straight-arm. Heh. Stay out of the cheese man's personal space, there, pretty boy. The crowd gathered outside to watch cheers appreciatively. The Chipsters get the clue, which sends them to The Smoker.

Speaking of which, ClownJon and Al are on their way there right now. They spot the statue, and Al pulls the clue. Roadblock. As Phil explains, in this week's Roadblock, the chosen team member has to pluck twenty-five live eels from the bottom of a boat and put them into a box. The clue very specifically says they can only use their hands to catch the eels. I'm not sure what else they're afraid the team members will try to use, but I suppose you have to cover your bases. Al takes the Roadblock for the clowns. ClownJon keeps up a constant stream of very loud kibitzing as Al goes after the eels.

Millie and Chuck are making their way to the pit stop. They park and run up to the mat. Welcome, Millie and Chuck, you are team number one. I had exactly one thought when I saw this greeter, by the way: Monty Python and the Holy Grail. It's sad how our views of history become warped. Oh, and because there is absolutely no justice, Millie and Chuck win yet another stupid cruise for coming in first for the leg. I actually had to fast-forward through the part where they won the cruise the second time I watched the show to write the recap, because I can't stand listening to Millie get that happy about a cruise when she's spent the entire leg acting so nasty. Talk about your undeserved rewards. Phil asks them how the trip has been for them, and Millie says it's been "hard." "It's hard for us to work together. He doesn't trust me," Millie says, shooting Chuck a condescending little see-how-I-was-right-about-everything look. She may have said "it takes two" in the cab, but she's sticking to her story. In the World's Most Uncomfortable Interview, Chuck says, "To Millie, I think 'trust' is to always do exactly what she says. And I don't think that's necessarily trust." Millie makes a disgusted, eye-rolling face as he says this, which pretty much provides proof positive that it's true, as if you couldn't tell from her behavior. Which you can. I just don't get it at all, because she has been bossy and pushy for practically the entire race, and we have repeatedly seen her order him around as to who's going to do what and how he needs to go faster...the idea that he doesn't trust her and won't listen to her is just laughably ridiculous. I think Millie needs to get over herself. A lot.

Al continues to handle the eels. I would point out that contrary to the introductory footage, in which the boat was wiggling with eels, only a few of them actually appear to be moving around while Al grabs them. I think they're kind of placid, like the tigers in India. They're like, "Whatever. I'm sushi anyway." Al finishes, and they get the pit stop clue and take off.

Monica and Sheree have had some trouble getting the car into reverse, so they're looking for a place where they can turn around. Monica, unfortunately, decides to try to turn the car around by driving off the road in a particularly muddy spot, and before you know it, they're stuck and spinning their wheels. They try pushing it, but no luck. Eek.

Commercials. If my dog talked, but had nothing to comment on except the quality of the mustard I was using, that would be very disappointing to me.

Monica and Sheree continue to struggle with their vehicle. They're not far from the entrance of the ranch, which you'd hope would give them a better shot at getting help.

Kelly and BuffJon rip-read at The Smoker. BuffJon takes the eel Roadblock.

The Falconettes flag down a truck. Yay! The guy ties their car to his van, and he pulls them out of the muck. The degree of relief I experienced when that happened is directly proportional to how much I apparently now dig the Falconettes. They get on their way.

BuffJon is grabbing eels. "What do they feel like?" Kelly asks. "They feel like a slippery penis," BuffJon says. "I want to touch one!" Kelly says. Dude, he should have let her do the Roadblock! She wouldn't have needed to do another one for a week. BuffJon finishes the Roadblock and he and Kelly grab the pit stop clue.

Al and ClownJon, completing another solid performance, arrive at the mat. Welcome, clowns, you are team number two.

Things are not as merry in Tian and Jaree's car, where they are presumably in search of the poo ranch. "I don't need a fucking bitch like you," Jaree says as she reaches into the back seat and snatches the map from Tian. "I'm sick of you. You are just deliberately trying to make us lose." "I told you I would drive," Tian says, suddenly all tired-little-fawn in the back seat. "Oh, shut up. 'Cause you're going to get your face punched, believe me." Boy. Don't know exactly what happened there, but Miss Tian has wilted something fierce, and her partner is not taking it well. Tian stares out the window as Jaree continues looking at the map. "I'm sure everybody else found it with ease, because they have partners that helps [sic] them." Sheesh.

AirSteve and Dave arrive at Cheesetown to fulfill their mission of never doing the thing that would be faster, ever. Way to choose the task most likely to tear your cartilage, there, guys. ["Pathetically enough, I have some experience in dealing with manure and a bum joint at the same time, and if the bad knee is what motivated their decision, I can get behind that. Manure is not a stable walking surface; given a choice, you'd probably rather do a job that's harder physically as long as it allows you to control the joint's range of motion, instead of flailing around trying to keep your balance. In other news, baling hay? So, so boring." -- Sars] They step into the wooden shoes and watch warily as the experienced cheese-carriers literally run by with the stretcher between them. "Hey, you got bigger shoes than us!" AirSteve protests. Hee. In an interview, a laughing AirSteve says, "Had we known, we might've gone ass-to-elbows in crap." They have an audience for the cheese-carrying as well, incidentally. Just as with Chip and Reichen, there is a discussion about the importance of the back guy not pushing the front guy. They load their cheese onto the scale, and -- again repeating Chip and Reichen's performance -- they have brought 72 kilograms on their first trip.

Elsewhere, a cheery Kelly and Jon are approaching the pit stop. Welcome, Kelly and Jon, you are team number three. They low-five, this time poo-free.

Reichen and Chip, currently in front of the remaining teams, reach The Smoker. "Is this the smoker?" Chip asks. "Yep, look at him smoking," Reichen says. He does know the guy's smoking fish, right? I'm just going to assume he does. Reichen takes the Roadblock. Monica and Sheree arrive just then, having recovered nicely from their stuck-in-the-mud moment. Monica voices over that she and Sheree kept running into the Chipsters all day, and the teams couldn't shake each other. The Falconettes immediately assign the task to Sheree.

As Reichen walks down into the pit of eels, I am again struck by the fact that although they keep cutting to shots of many, many frantic eels all a-wiggling, the ones you can actually see in the same shot as Reichen do not appear to be moving at all. I don't know how long eels live in the bottom of a boat, but they do not appear to be too feisty, if you get my drift. "Do they get pissed when you touch 'em?" Reichen says -- I think because he's wondering how this is a Roadblock when none of the eels is moving. I see almost no eel movement while either Sheree or Reichen does this task. I don't want to say anything, but I'm not sure this episode would qualify for the usual "no eels were harmed in the making of this episode" disclaimer. A few may be clinging to their last moments, but for the most part, it's all over for the eels. Anyway, Sheree and Reichen both retrieve twenty-five not-very-lively eels with no difficulty. Both teams run off toward their cars. "Reichen, can we follow you?" Sheree asks. "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" Reichen calls back. See that? It's The Low-Key Alliance of Falconettes and Chipsters. In fact, Reichen says in an interview that the Falconettes are the only team he trusts at all.

Tian and Jaree's World Tour of Extreme Pain. "I'd like for you to read that map," Jaree says in a cross voice. "Well, if you can show me where it is, then you can just drive there," Tian says, apparently sarcastically, though this was a weird place to break into this conversation. It sounds like Jaree sees the place on the map, but wants Tian to follow on the map while she drives. Jaree says she can't keep looking back and forth between the road and the map, because that makes her miss the turns. Tian puts her head in her hand in the back seat, having pretty much shut down for the day. Jaree repeats in an interview her allegation that Tian was trying to sabotage them on purpose, because she refused to read the map while Jaree was driving. I'm not sure if it's on purpose, exactly; it's just very bizarre. Back in the car, the fighting continues. "You're just so uncooperative, and I don't understand why," Jaree says. "You're the evil one right now," Tian says. Very calmly, Jaree says, "I could rip your head off right now, you have no idea. You're so evil." Tian, from the back seat: "I never wanted to hurt you or...." Jaree: "I do. I want to hurt you right now." Wow, that got ugly. I think Tian's complete breakdown sort of surprised them both.

David and Jeff are in the poo. David is digging with his feet, which I think sort of violates the spirit of the "bare-handed" clue, but I suppose we'll let it go this time. I couldn't pick him out of a lineup to impose discipline anyway.

Tian returns to the car after apparently going to ask for directions. "Just go straight," she says dejectedly.

David and Jeff read the Smoker clue and take off. They run into Tian and Jaree, who are on the way in. "Did you dig your hands in shit?" Jaree says. "We did," David answers, "How about you?" Well, nitwit, they're on the way into the ranch, so probably not yet. This is basically what Jaree tells him. "It's bigger than fifteen feet," is all Jeff can say. Jaree drives off all, "I've heard that before."

At the pile, Jaree is still feeling pretty feisty. "Can we throw it at our teammate?" she asks. "I'm sure she wants to throw it at me."

AirSteve and Dave's Great Cheese Adventure continues. They get the scale to balance, so they can go. They pause to shake hands with the principals of the Cheese-Haulers Union Local 517 before leaving.

Tian is digging in the pile, but Jaree finds a clue just as she walks up and starts to look. "You didn't even get your hands dirty," Tian says in disgust. "Yes, I did," Jaree protests. And she did, but just barely.