Cheaters Never Win...And They Cheated!

Previously on You Don't Know What You've Got Till It's Gone (They Paved Paradise And Put Up Arsenio Hall): New York, Johannesburg, Paris, Casablanca, Bangkok, Munich, Rio, Lisbon, Beijing, Hong Kong, Seattle, Singapore, London, Tunis, Aberdeen, San Francisco, Agra, Rome, Sao Paolo, Cape Town, Delhi, Fez, Honolulu, Ho Chi Minh City, Marrakech, Sydney, Auckland, Zurich. Three million bucks. Thirty-four teams. A hundred twenty thousand miles. One deceptively studly Kiwi.

What, you mean you've been watching that thing where they eat rice with bugs in it? Oh, this is a lot better.

We fly in over the empty, soulless, smoggy landscape of Los Angeles, getting a great view of what are presumably the nation's premiere cosmetic dentistry schools and law firms specializing in liposuction malpractice. Finally, we spot teeny tiny Phil "Hop On Eyebrow Pop" Keoghan, who's on top of a very tall building that probably isn't actually called Accordion-Pleated Circle Towers Plaza, even though it should be. We zoom in on him, and he tells us that he is high above the city he calls the "gateway to the western United States." Not to argue with Phil, but having once lived in the Pacific Northwest, I know we didn't consider L.A. to be the gateway to squat. But anyway, Phil calls L.A. "America's city of dreams." It's also, of course, "America's city lousy with former reality show contestants," so if these people wanted to short-circuit the process, they could skip the race and go directly to Belly. Evil Doctor Will has a great story about the time he said that really funny thing and everyone laughed. Phil and his black turtleneck tell us that twelve teams of two people will race around the world, and the winner will get a million dollars. And, most importantly, the right to cleanse the memory of Flo from our wounded public consciousness.

As usual, a very special method of transportation takes the teams to the starting point. This time, they're are traveling in a pair of what Phil calls "stretch Hummers." (And if you want one, fellas, remember to always date the limber.) These monstrosities, which look like white Lego limos, are lumbering down one of L.A.'s notorious freeways. If they go below fifty, they'll explode, you know. And they're taking the teams to...Dodger Stadium! Can you believe that? I am psychic. Dodger Stadium is still soulless, but at least it's the National League, so there will be no "designated racer" who, like, flies on the airplanes but doesn't have to run. Phil tells us that each team is made up of two people with an existing relationship, and it's time to meet them.

Tian and Jaree are those two loud girls you met that time at that party and then the whole way home, you and your friends were trying to figure out who invited them, since they only talked to each other. They're both models and, as Phil tells us, "thrill-seekers." Hey, you know what's thrilling? Chicks with pistols! Right on cue, we cut to them on a shooting range. Frankly, given the purpose to which they're putting this footage, I'm surprised they don't show them licking the barrels. The girls tell us that they're "not like regular chicks" because they're "feminine" but they're "adrenaline junkies." Wow, I'm always so grateful to be educated about what ordinary women are like by women who are too cool to be part of that mundane category. They then Heave out their tired philosophy that it's easier to be a girl, because you can always just ask people for stuff. "Thank God we're good-lookin'," Jaree tells us. Yeah. Given their rather motley collection of skills, I'm not too surprised to hear that they rely fairly heavily on that one. Also? Like most women who tell you how good-looking they are, they're not nearly as good-looking as they think.

Steve and Dave are friends and Chicago air traffic controllers. In their intro shot, they turn away from the air traffic control screens they're tending to smile at the cameras. Of course, in the time it took to get that shot, a plane erroneously landed on Interstate 94 and took out a Volvo, a Beetle, and an ice cream truck, but no matter. Dave tells us that they're a couple of old fat guys, so other teams won't view them as a significant threat. Steve says that they hope to run the entire race without breaking a sweat. Apparently, they will be skipping all the parts with walking or running or anything like that. I sure hope they packed their inflatable wind-up golf cart.

Reichen and Chip are your designated eye candy, and they're married. As Chip explains it, they solemnized their marriage just like any other couple would, though he says "cemented our relationship." I've actually always said that Mr. and Mr. Tall and Beautiful had the most traditional wedding of any of my friends, aside from the fact that they're both guys. Hell, I even caught the bouquet. (Which actually was underwear, but that's not the point.) Reichen is very pretty, but he has that shiny, waxy, sculpted thing happening that makes me unsure whether to admire him or prop him up in the backyard garden and have him made into a fountain. He says he's motivated by a "personal vendetta" created by years of being treated like he was inadequate because he's gay, which sounds like a rather bizarre motivator to me, but on the other hand, I'm all about being driven by bitterness and resentment. I don't know about the matching fleece vests they're wearing, though. That spells trouble.

Ah, Millie and Chuck. Now, what the show will emphasize to you is that Millie and Chuck are in their late twenties and are virgins. Virgins! I guess we know which team will be best suited for that Hurl Yourself Into A Volcano Detour. In case you fail to see their innocence shining through like a beacon of righteousness, they are shown riding a carousel. Oh, those virgins and their childlike entertainments! I swear, the show could not lay this on any thicker with a trowel. What I find strange, actually, isn't that they're virgins -- it's that they've been "dating" for twelve years, and he says he's "scared of commitment." Who "dates" for twelve years and is still thinking about whether he wants to commit or not? What kinds of dates are you going on after twelve years? I mean, this is the year of X2; these people have been dating since Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead. She says that if he doesn't propose soon, she's going to bail. Well, sure, because dating a guy for thirteen years would just be weird.

Steve and Josh are father and son. Wait a minute, didn't we have a Steve already? We did! Wow, harsh. Anyway, DadSteve is a corrections officer. Josh, on the other hand, is a reminder that you should always read care labels, because Elvis Costello is clearly marked dry clean only, and if you put him in the dryer, this is what happens. DadSteve tells us that they've always felt they didn't spend enough time together. Josh says that his dad ran a boot camp for felons. Oh, and Josh wears cropped camouflage pants with his red bowling-style shirt. Wow, aren't we just the bad boy of 1997. Josh: Rebel Without A Calendar.

Russell and Cindy are -- wait a minute, didn't we have a Russell and Cyndi before? We did! What kind of games are they playing here, anyway? This Russell and Cindy are friends, and she seems to think they might be dating, and he seems not to. Hmm, I think that works out to "not." Furthermore, there's something about her that strikes me as very chilly. And wow, look at those white teeth! She could be Blake's lost sister. Well -- aunt, I guess. Or else Blake made those teeth in his basement and sold them to her via direct mail solicitation. Anyway, she says she loves and adores Russell. He says he doesn't want a relationship. I smell one of those non-romance romances like Flo and Zach, where they try to make the casting people think there's the potential for a sex outbreak. Because what could be a better romantic motivator for people who have thus far not been able to get the engine running than a month without showering or doing your laundry? Mmm, crusty socks. Sexy!

Monica and Sheree are both married to guys who play for the Atlanta Falcons. Now, the thing I like about them is that they say they want a chance to do something for themselves, because their husbands' careers are pretty all-consuming. What I don't like is that they're wearing football jerseys. I mean, if you're trying to get out from under your husband's career, you could start by not wearing his shirt.

David and Jeff are friends. Wait, didn't we already have a Dave? We did! This is getting ridiculous. Phil describes the boys as "bachelors," but -- crucially -- not "confirmed bachelors." They are, however, the designated Unfortunate Facial Hair Special Envoys from the planet Remington Microscreen. Jeff has a little quarter-sized soul patch, and David has a scraggly goatee that makes him look like Edward Norton playing some notorious pornographer. They claim to be "planners" who "think on [their] feet," but the introductory footage is of them running on the beach with surfboards. Their motto? Love Us For Our Minds Because We Are Smart, But If It Helps, We Are Ripply Also.

Amanda and Chris. She's wearing her hair in two little ponytails, which is not a good start at all from an aesthetic perspective. On the other hand, these two are from South Dakota, so we're practically neighbors. And of course, you can see straight from my house to their house, since there's nothing in between except soybeans and corn. Chris says that people will think they're "bumpkins," and will underestimate them. It strikes me funny how many teams have, as a strategy, being underestimated. It's the "we meant to do that" of team introductions.

Kelly and Jon are recently engaged, and are from Miami. She has that sproingy red aerobics-instructor hair that screams, "Five more crunches! You can do it!" and he said in his pre-show interview on the CBS site that one of his fears was "fat people," so I think you know that they've both been intimate with the recumbent bicycles at their local Bally's Total Fitness. They tell us that they both have "Type-A personalities" as we see them run in the surf. Oh, the flirtatious horseplay of the sinewy and well-toned! Suddenly, I feel the urge for a protein shake. She perkily says that, "hopefully," they'll still get married after they've done the race together. Well, I hope so, too. The world needs more children who are really cut.

Debra and Steve are married parents from Indiana. Now, wait. That is three Steves. What is this, a damn Dr. Seuss book? Anyway, Debra and IndianaSteve are what we might refer to as "plus-sized," but I would point out that Debra, in particular, isn't as "plus" in body as she looks in the face. They tell us that they're "fat, forty, and fun." And functionally alliterate! IndianaSteve tells us that they won't be able to get ahead physically, so they'll have to get ahead mentally. It's good to know your strengths. Come to think of it, it's a shame that teams rarely have the self-awareness to say, "It's a good thing we run fast, because we are as dumb as a can of creamed corn."

Jon and Al are clowns. No, really. They're literally clowns. Oh, and also? Yes, that's two Jons. Sigh. (Likelihood that a guy on The Amazing Race 4 is named David, Steve, or Jon: 46.7 percent.) ClownJon (as opposed to BuffJon) is, as it turns out, a human cannonball in the Barnum & Bailey circus. Look, there he is, getting shot out of a cannon and landing in a net. We see them clowning with their clown makeup, actually doing that thing where one of them whaps the other one with a powder puff. Clown clown clown. You just can't stop saying it, really. Clown! Also, they juggle! That'll come in handy!

The teams stroll onto what looks like shallow centerfield as Phil gives his usual speech about who among these people will prove to have the necessary "brains, brawn, and teamwork" to win. "These are the questions waiting to be answered as we get ready to begin..." Phil pauses to let you observe his suave hosting skills. "The Amazing Race." With that, Phil walks over toward the edge of the building he's standing on. Phil, don't do it! You have so much to live for! Fortunately, Phil does not jump. That was almost a really sad and abrupt ending there. I really don't want the first Roadblock to involve helping wash Phil off the sidewalk.

Back in shallow center (which seems oddly appropriate for some of these teams), Phil explains that there will be thirteen legs, and there will be tasks, and money is limited, and so on. Phil explains that it's important to get to the pit stops quickly, because at nine of them, if you get there last, you'll be -- eyebrow-pop -- eliminated. He asks them if they understand, and everybody nods. Phil explains that their first clue is waiting with their luggage. Once they get their bags and read their clues, they can exit through the center field fence, run to the SUVs that are waiting, take one, and get going. "Everybody ready?" Phil says. They all go, "Wooo!" and clap. Because you have to. If you stop Phil and say, "Wait, how many legs are there again?" you will lose your psychological edge. "The world is waiting for you," Phil says rakishly. "Good luck...travel safe...go!" Screaming, they all fly past Phil in a pack, and he leans back as if being blown by a stiff wind. Man, Phil is so cool. Can you believe Survivor blew him off for freaking Probst? Idiots. Everyone streams across centerfield in a drop-dead sprint until they reach their luggage and open their first clue. I always think it's interesting to note how the opening sprint goes, and you know who kicked its ass, other than the people you might have spotted? Monica. She smoked that sucker. Anyway, the clue tells them to get themselves to Milan, Italy on one of three flights -- a SwissAir flight, a Lufthansa flight, or a KLM flight. Seats are, of course, first come, first served, and they have $200 for the leg.

Bags in hand, the teams tear out of the stadium and into the parking lot, immediately scattering out to reach the row of SUVs. BuffJon laughs hysterically as he navigates around the parking lot. Jaree falls behind as a result of dropping her bag. "BLAT! BLAT BLAT BLAT!" say the horns on the soundtrack. Chip directs Reichen out of the parking lot and onto the highway. "Here we go," he says. Here we go, indeed.

Credits. Theme music. Damn, I missed this show so much I almost have to walk over and put my arms around my TV. Sniff. [BOMP.]

Screamy strings play on the soundtrack in a vaguely Psycho-ish fashion as we return to Dodger Stadium. Somebody almost causes an accident in one of the SUVs by cutting over in front of somebody else, but it's hard to tell who it is. In the Russell/Cindy SUV, she reads the clue, which tells them that they have to find the Galleria Victoria once they get to Milan. "Been there, been there," Russell says. In the Chip/Reichen SUV, meanwhile, Chip points out to Reichen that they've got a lot of people following them who don't know where they're going. To wit: in the Jon/Kelly SUV, she says to follow "the California-looking boys." "I'm telling you, those guys are from California," she says. "They got the look." I must admit, we grow 'em pasty in my part of the country, so she may have a point.

Elsewhere, DadSteve says to Josh that since he (Josh) lives in L.A., he might have a better idea of what to do than DadSteve does. David and Jeff, on the other hand, are entirely living up to the intelligence of their facial hair by driving around the stadium parking lot in circles. In other news involving people who have yet to impress with their mental acuity, Tian and Jaree have noticed that the back of their SUV won't close, even though they're good-looking. Go figure. Their first idea is to try to hold it closed from the inside, which is a cute thought, but not happening.

Out on the freeway, Kelly's biggest problem seems to be Jon's inclination to speed because he's so pumped. "Be calm," she tells him. Jon and Al are following them, it appears, but they're undoubtedly thinking about a faster way to the airport, and how all they would need would be a really, really big net.

Ah, Amanda and Chris. She's driving, and she opens with, "Get out of my fucking way," directed randomly at another driver. She interviews that Chris thinks she is a sort of angel/devil hybrid, because on the one hand, she's a nice Midwestern girl, and on the other hand, she really swears quite a lot. Hmm, something about that combination sounds familiar. "Oh, you fucking suck!" she says. "I'm going to eat the back of your fucking car, lady," she says. I must admit to a natural inclination to like women who swear at traffic. Because I? Swear at traffic. A lot. Just like that. Complete with vague threats like "I'm going to eat the back of your fucking car" that are more satisfying than they are literally possible. I'm also guilty of offering arguably insincere compliments to other drivers -- in particular, complimenting men on how much bigger it makes their penises look when they refuse to allow me to merge.

David and Jeff? Are trying another locked exit.

Meanwhile, back in the parking lot, Tian and Jaree are suffering from continuing latch problems. They finally give up. Phil explains the rule on this, which is that you can get a new vehicle if yours stops working, but there's no time credit. I also love how he carefully says that this is the rule "if a car breaks down through no fault of the team." Primarily, I suppose, to distinguish that situation from what happens "if a car breaks down because the team fills the diesel tank with unleaded like a couple of dimwits." Or, presumably, does something equally stupid. "Let's just get out of here," Tian finally says when she's got the new SUV.

As we see him drive, Reichen interviews that Chip is the stable guy, while he is the driven, passionate guy. Wow, couldn't someone have powdered his damn forehead during this interview? Going blind from glare over here, people. , we check on Russell and Cindy. In another creepily chilly interview, Cindy points out that Russell is "very bright." "He's my security blanket," she adds. Feh. He, on the other hand, interviews that he's worried about her freaking out. In the Steve/Josh car, Josh is busy assuring his dad that they'll be at the airport in time to get on the first plane.

Kelly reads us the information about the flights in a little more detail. Lufthansa and SwissAir both leave at 2:55, but KLM doesn't leave until 3:50. She turns and looks at the camera. "We do not want the 3:50," she says, waggling her finger in the Big Wavy S-Shape Of Don't Even Get Up In My Face. Just then, ClownJon and Al cut them off egregiously in traffic. "Oh, no, he didn't!" BuffJon says angrily. "Oh, NO, he didn't!" In the clown car, ClownJon says, "It's a good thing we're from New York, right? We can deal with the traffic situation." Whatever, clown. In the other car, BuffJon is still upset. "Oh my gosh," he is saying, apparently not taking swearing lessons from Amanda. Kelly tells him to chill, and in an interview, she points out that with him being from New Jersey and her being from Texas, "It's like The Sopranos meets The Dukes of Hazzard." Wow. Guns all around! She says that he will be all macho about the race, and she'll be going, "Woo!" Meh.

In Chuck and Millie's car, he comments that Kelly and BuffJon are in front of them, and Millie orders him not to lose sight of them. Chuck voices over, "Millie is the only girl I've ever dated; she's the only girl that I've ever really loved. But, yes, uh, marriage does scare me." I swear, the last time I saw a guy as tightly wound as Chuck, he was inside a sarcophagus. I don't think Chuck would even need the entire two weeks to turn a lump of coal into a diamond. She then says in her interview that if he doesn't propose soon, their relationship will be over. Well...you know, it occurs to me that they're both wrong. I mean, he sounds like he's got big old issues of some kind to be able to date the same girl for an entire round of cicadas and then still be afraid of marrying her. But for her to be sitting on her ass for twelve years waiting for the guy to propose? That's also goofy.

Back to Amanda's Wonderful World Of Do You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth? "Maybe we fucking need to stop for directions," she says. "We don't know where we're fucking going, we don't know where anybody fucking is..." Hee. She can ride with me the time I'm trying to escape downtown Minneapolis. Fucking 35W. Fucking one-way streets. ["No way, man. I've got dibs on her for the Lincoln Tunnel approach on Friday at 5:30 PM." -- Sars]

Steve and Dave are in their SUV looking for the airport. "SwissAir, Luftwaffe, and KLM -- which do you think is going to be closest?" Luftwaffe? Snerk. One of them voices over that they do think they'll have an advantage with the flight stuff as a result of being air traffic controllers. "Do you have any idea where you are?" Dave says from the back. "I have no friggin' idea," says AirSteve. Dave looks up and spots a plane, and AirSteve points out that it's "on final for LAX," so they must be getting close. The plane doesn't look to be flying that low, so I'm not sure that hint is too helpful, but they seem pleased.

ones to Park One? Al and ClownJon, who scream much, much too loudly about this relatively minor achievement. are Millie and Chuck, then Amanda and Chris. More careening cameramen, then Phil explains to us that the SwissAir flight has seats for four teams, and will arrive first. The Lufthansa flight will carry three teams, and it arrives forty minutes after the SwissAir flight, despite leaving at the same time. The last five teams will be on the Flight Of Total Losers, a KLM flight leaving an hour after the first two and arriving in Milan presumably significantly later. KLM didn't exactly hit the product placement jackpot here. KLM: Your Airline Of Last Resort.

Cindy and Russell run into the airport, headed straight for Lufthansa, because it doesn't occur to them to check schedules to see whether SwissAir and Lufthansa arrive at the same time. Russell asks for seats as far forward in the plane as possible, which is nice, in that he's working his ass off to conserve three minutes in a situation where he just gave up forty. They are thus the first booked on the Lufthansa flight. Incidentally, they can't even know that this isn't the worst flight, given that -- as some of our Eagle-Eyed Forum Posters pointed out -- the KLM flight could have been direct, and could have beaten both of the 2:55 flights. Frankly, they're lucky they didn't screw themselves even more, given that slack-ass piece of play.

Chip and Reichen make it onto a shuttle with their bags, and they meet up with Kelly and Jon. Introductions. Shortly after the shuttle leaves, Sheree and Monica come running up while it's stopped. Jon, however, tells the driver insistently not to let them on, but to go. "No, no, no, no, absolutely not!" Granted, the doors were closed already, but in any normal situation, I think there's a good chance that a shuttle driver will let you on when that happens. So I do think Jon got the driver to pull away, leaving Monica and Sheree standing on the curb. Either Chip or Reichen, incidentally, is participating in this as well. Once they pull away, Kelly sagely says to Jon, "That's going to come back around to you, buddy. Karma." Given that she understands this, I hope she's in charge of tipping cab drivers. He looks unconcerned. Back at the curb, Monica and Sheree are not happy at all.

Josh and DadSteve run into a guy and ask him for directions to the SwissAir terminal. The guy points. "How far?" Josh asks. "About a half mile," the guy says. Oops. "I thought you knew where we were going," says DadSteve. Yeah. Not so much. Drop and give me twenty!

At the terminal, here come Millie and Chuck and Al and ClownJon. The clowns run to SwissAir, while Millie and Chuck choose Lufthansa. To his credit, ClownJon checks to see which flight gets in earlier. The helpful ticket agent informs him that her SwissAir flight gets in forty minutes before the Lufthansa flight, so they're good. Again, they cackle over this entirely too much. They will never keep up this pace of cackling for thirteen legs. To show his gratitude to the ticket agent, ClownJon balances his clue on his nose. He really needs to not do that. ["I thought that was kind of cool. No, don't get up; I'll fire myself." -- Sars] At least Al laughs. Incredibly amused at himself, ClownJon tries hard for a few more laughs, gets polite indulgence, and then blessedly shuts his yap. Already, I am pretty much clowned out.

Millie and Chuck are at Lufthansa. Right behind them are Amanda and Chris, so Millie asks if they can get on as well. The agent assures them that she can get both teams on the flight. Outside, the shuttle pulls up carrying Kelly and Jon as well as Chip and Reichen. Kelly and Jon go to SwissAir; Chip and Reichen head for Lufthansa. Also running for the terminal, though from much further away, are Josh and DadSteve. All is well for Kelly and BuffJon at SwissAir, as they land in line behind ClownJon and Al. Hot on the heels of all these teams are Monica and Sheree, who are just arriving on the same shuttle as Dave and AirSteve.

At the Lufthansa counter, controversy is brewing. Chip and Reichen have approached a different ticket agent than the one who was talking to Millie and Chuck, and have asked to be put on the list for the Lufthansa flight. Of course, the other agent has already promised the last pair of tickets to Amanda and Chris -- who probably should have hustled themselves right to the open desk, incidentally, rather than waiting in line behind Millie and Chuck. But at any rate, Chip and Reichen try to get onto the flight, and the other teams catch on to what's happening at the other end of the counter. Millie rather assertively tells her agent that Amanda and Chris were in line before the boys, and should be the team to get the last tickets. After some stalling, the first agent tells the second that she has already promised all the tickets, so the boys are out of luck. I sense that Millie is not to be trifled with. An unhappy Chip and Reichen leave to check on the situation at SwissAir, as David and Jeff observe from a few feet away. Chris leans over and kisses a happy and relieved Amanda on the cheek. She squeezes her eyes shut and grins. David asks the ticket agent the way to KLM -- he's apparently decided that it's time to take the safety backup flight, even though, as far as we know, SwissAir still has two pairs of tickets. When Steve and Debra show up, Chris and Amanda pass the bad news to them as well, so they head for SwissAir.

At SwissAir, Kelly and BuffJon are just finishing up their booking. Just behind them are Josh and DadSteve. Josh figures that if Kelly and BuffJon are on, then he and DadSteve are probably okay, too. Behind Josh and his dad are Monica and Sheree, Chip and Reichen, and Dave and AirSteve, in that order. At this point, Josh voices over that he noticed that Dave and AirSteve were wearing air traffic controller hats, so he assumed that it would be great to be in an alliance with them. He goes to the back of the line and tells them that if there are tickets available after he and DadSteve get theirs, he'll "call [them] up" to the front of the line. That doesn't seem kosher to me at all in a leg where the clue said "first come, first served." But sure enough, when Josh gets up to the front of the line, he finds two sets of tickets, and says he wants both. Monica, behind him, says, "No, no, wait, wait, wait." Josh turns around much too fast and condescendingly says to her, "I'm sorry, it's a race," a line that's completely uncalled for in that situation. You can just save your "let me educate you that there's no handholding" lecture for someone who actually deserves it, you presumptuous little prick. It appears to me, with this and the "there's a lot of walking" thing earlier, Josh has decided to appoint himself Guy Who Understands The Race When Others Do Not. And he shows no signs of actually being such Guy. Shut up, Josh.

Anyway. Monica and Sheree, pissed as all hell, leave the line and head for KLM. "Don't say shit to me right now," says Sheree, as they take off. You want to see some self-satisfied smirking, by the way, you can take your eyes right off Amanda in that scene and move them to these four guys, because DadSteve and Josh in particular are inordinately pleased with themselves, and inordinately amused at Monica and Sheree being pissed off. They? Are on the list. Josh smirkingly congratulates himself for how obviously brilliant it is to get in an alliance with air traffic controllers, because they'll be great at the airport. What miracles Josh thinks they'll be able to work in the future when they weren't able -- or even trying -- to work any in this situation, I'm not sure. I mean, after all, they're at the airport right now, and he just had to bail their asses out. Working the airport has never come down to being a genius about the technical aspects of air traffic -- it's about getting people to help you. Good grief, I don't think Kevin knew any more about planes than he did about hair care, and he worked miracles in airports, because people wanted to help him. Same with Danny and Oswald. Not one of these guys, on the other hand, appears to have anything resembling interpersonal skills of that nature. AirSteve recaps what just happened, and says, "We sort of shuffled in front of people who were waiting in line." He pauses and shrugs. "Oh, well." Yeah, they're on the list, too.

As they leave to go to the KLM terminal, Monica and Sheree chat about what just happened to them. "Cheaters never win," one of them says to the other. "And they cheated." I'm not going with "cheated," but I'll take "acted like jerks, not to mention idiots."

En route to the KLM line, an unhappy Chip and Reichen are walking purposefully. I bet this is exactly how they would look in an ad for a Columbus Day sale at JC Penney. I bet they could really move polo shirts. Debra and IndianaSteve are off to KLM as well. David and Jeff are the first to check in at KLM, while outside the airport, Tian and Jaree are just parking the SUV and unpacking their gear. They're talking about how there's nothing they could have done about the car. There's presumably something they could have done about needing directions given to them three times, of course. "Don't even irritate me right now," Jaree snots. "You need to relax, it's okay," Tian says. "Oh, my God, Tian," Jaree grumps as she stomps off with her backpack. Boy, they're lovely individuals. And what are those names, anyway? Designer Imposter perfumes? "If you like White Diamonds, you'll love Jaree." Whatever.

The SwissAir flight is the first to leave, and it carries ClownJon and Al, BuffJon and Kelly, DadSteve and PunkAssJosh, and AirSteve and Dave. They all look very happy. "It's a huge advantage," Josh (I think) punks. Yep. For one leg, kiddo, until the bunch, so enjoy it while it lasts.

On the Lufthansa flight, we have Amanda and Chris, Millie and Chuck, and Russell and Cindy.

The KLM flight is getting ready to leave. David and Jeff are approached by Chip and Reichen, who propose an alliance to "share information." Boy, that'll be quite a devastating conflagration of pure brainpower. At the gate, meanwhile, Tian is proposing that she and Jaree need to get rid of some crap, because there's too much in the packs. "Just let me deal with my pack, all right?" Jaree grumps, playing Eve to Tian's Heather in the riveting drama, At Least We Didn't Take The Donkey-Dive. ["Yet." -- Sars] When Debra and Steve arrive, Steve can't help noticing that they are surrounded by a bunch of young and buff types, so you'd think they'd will have to hope it's not an incredibly physically intense leg. (Sigh.) Monica and Sheree, meanwhile, mention that they would appreciate some luck, in the form of one of the other planes being delayed or something. The KLM flight finally departs, taking with it David and Jeff, Debra and Steve, Monica and Sheree, Chip and Reichen, and Tian and Jaree. On the plane, Sheree says she's praying, and she hopes her prayers will be answered. God? Yep, Still in the tub. And getting kind of pruny, too.

Commercials. Wow, is that that nice little Emily Quartermaine? Things sure have changed. I'm still waiting for the moment when her genes finally kick in and she does a movie where she jumps over an axe handle in time to music.

The Amazing Yellow Lines -- three of them! -- streak across the Amazing World Map from L.A. to Europe, demonstrating that the KLM flight stops in Amsterdam, the Lufthansa flight stops in Frankfurt, and the SwissAir flight stops in Zurich.

Several shiny happy shots of Milan greet us as Phil voices over that all twelve teams are now on their way here. Wow, look at that girl wearing nothing but webbing. I would totally wear that, if I were a completely different person from the person I am and had a different body and no judgment. Phil recaps the teams that are on each flight. He calls Amanda "Amander." This is the kind of thing that makes me want to nibble on Phil's ear, and NO, I cannot tell you why. Ditto "Moniker." (Nibble, nibble.)

Phil tells us that when they arrive in Milan, the teams will have to get to the Galleria Victoria. Hey, there's Phil! At the Galleria! He's wearing a very interesting combination of a thick white fisherman's sweater and a brown suede coat with a white-sheepy collar. I'm not sure it all works together -- it's a whole lotta thick, and it makes him look a little bit like the vet put a cone on him so he wouldn't lick his stitches. However, both the jacket and the sweater, taken individually, are very nice, especially after the parade of wrinkled lightweight nightmares he wore through the entire season. He wonders aloud whether the teams in the back will move up to the front, blah blah blah. And which team will be eliminated first?