Why Did You Have To Take Your Pants Off?! (II)

Earlier this evening on The Glorious Goats of Europe: Jill and John Vito grabbed the Fast Forward and glided into first place, giving new meaning to "smile and say 'cheese.'" Everyone called home to say, "I love you; please send soap and earplugs." Teri wiped out, Drew just about chickened out, and Flo copped out, freaked out, and washed out. Drew and Flo flirted to the best of their abilities, which is to say not very well. FloZach were the cellar-dwellers at the finish, due to Flo's whining and complaining as well as the fact that her shapely fanny apparently was on a general strike. The leg proved to be non-elimination, however, so once again we learned that she who bites and runs away lives to bite another day.

We rejoin the teams on the Savoie, a steamship on Lake Geneva, as the ship chugs toward Lucerne, Switzerland. Phil comments that will be no more near-misses, because the time we hit the mat, somebody is getting the boot but good. As Phil discusses Jill and John Vito's unfortunate squandering of the FF in the surprise non-elimination leg, we see Jill stretching and a shirtless John Vito (dang!) rummaging in his pack for something. Rummage, shirtless John Vito, rummage! Flo makes her best Pretty Girl Face at Drew as Phil wonders whether the Nerd Lust romantic plodding will create problems within the affected teams. Because Zach is apparently bitter and jealous, and is just trying to appear bored and irritated. Phil also, of course, wonders "which of the five remaining teams...will be eliminated ?" Phil! You misplaced your pause. I'm telling you, this two-hour thing has thrown Phil off his game tonight with the catchphrases. Without the dramatic shot of the red and black mat, I would be completely confused. I'm sorry, what show is this?

We are [BOMP]-less.

When we return from the non-credits, there is some serious spastic camera work, although it's not around the boat, so the camera guys are apparently just sort of out on the town. You know, careening drunkenly, as they are wont to do.

12:42 AM. Jill and John Vito. They open the clue, and it sends them to the Jet D'Eau. Phil explains, over the usual dramatic, stomach-churning, speeding-car POV footage, that the Jet D'Eau is a big fountain in Geneva. This will not surprise you if you know even enough French to follow Bugs Bunny cartoons taking place in Paris. The Jet D'Eau is the largest fountain in Europe, actually, at 450 feet tall. Wow, that's some Jet. And a whole lotta D'Eau. JVJ takes off, as Jill voices over about how hard it is to stay focused on the race and take care of everything you need to take care of. Jill, in essence, articulately describes the effects of Killer Fatigue. John Vito adds that while some of the other teams seem to get on each other's nerves just a tad (heh), he and Jill don't really have that problem very much. They walk along hunting for a taxi, and JV hypothesizes that Jet D'Eau might be a mountain or a volcano, given that the clue says to go to the "base" of it. They figure they can ask their cab driver if they ever find one. When they do find one, they encounter a bit of a language barrier, but he does agree to take them to it, after giving them the heads-up that it's in Geneva.

2:00 AM. Ken and Gerard. (Those of you who suspected that JVJ's lead wasn't very big, because the all-Switzerland leg didn't go very far and wasn't very well designed, will notice that you were right.) As they walk, they voice over that they didn't expect to make it as far as they have, given their age and lack of ultimate studliness, but they're now planning, or perhaps hoping, to "blow 'em out of the water." Presumably "they" are the young and/or studly. And also Teri and Ian. They get a little help from a friendly local, and then they're into a cab for the fountain as well.

2:14 AM. Derek and Drew. One or the other of them, or possibly both, voice over that the trip has been great for them and they've loved spending all this time together and so forth. Driver, cab, Jet.

Jill and John Vito are the first to arrive at the fountain, and when they see the giant plume of water 400 feet in the air, John Vito comments that "that's gotta be it." The water attacks them with an aggressive spray as they approach the clue box, and this for some reason makes them giggle excitedly. When they get the clue, it tells them to head for the Petronas Towers in the country represented by the flag that's included. Yay, real clues! Yay, punishing ignorance! Yay, making the racers learn stuff! For those of you who didn't take college-level geography, Phil passes the word that the flag represents Malaysia, and the towers are in Kuala Lumpur, which is about 7,000 miles away. You know, I was beginning to wonder when the heck we were going to make some eastward progress, because I think I've had about all the goats and beer I can manage. The first thing on JVJ's agenda, reasonably enough, is to figure out what country the flag is from.

Here comes the Bald Snark, approaching the geyser-like fountain. As they run toward it, Kenny remarks, "That looks like Gerard when he gets mad." Then he stops and acts out a dramatic scene of Gerard's head blowing off, complete with "psssshhhhh!" noise. Hee. They should get their own show. And it should be a cartoon. Gerard laughs, and they read the clue. They do not recognize the flag. "Oy vey, what the heck is that?" Gerard wonders.

In the JVJ cab, Jill is expressing her hope that their team is not the only one that didn't recognize the flag. Oh, no, my dear. You most certainly are not. However, back at the Bald Snark cab, they have lucked into a driver who does recognize it. "Malaysia," he tells them, and they hop in the cab for the airport.

In the twin cab, Drew raises an interesting point. "I forgot, today's our birthday!" "Oh, yeah!" Derek says, and looks at his watch. Because what time is it? It's birthday time! They hope it will be a good day. Yeah, I always have the same hope on my birthday. And then at some point, it occurs to me that I am one year closer to death, and I spend all day listening to the clocks tick like it's an Edgar Allan Poe story, calculating my retirement needs in my head and pondering the ultimate futility of alpha hydroxy acid. Not that I'm suggesting you should feel that way if today is your birthday. Anyway, as they approach the fountain, Derek remarks that the Jet D'Eau looks like Old Faithful. Did I not just say "geyser-like"? Derek and I think alike. Hmm. Is that good news? They grab the clue and puzzle over the Malaysian flag.

At 2:30 AM, John Vito and Jill pull up to the airport, noting the absence of any other cars. They're still trying to figure out what country the flag is from, and their cab driver hasn't figured it out since they got into the cab. They walk up to the airport, which looks quite thoroughly closed. Elsewhere, Derek and Drew find a chick (what a surprise) who stops gawking at their good looks and straight teeth long enough to fill them in that the flag is from Malaysia. Back at the airport, JVJ gets directions to walk to a hotel where they might be able to get more information about that elusive flag.

2:35 AM. Asshat. As has been the case for a few legs now, Ian is eschewing the Hat. Perhaps someone gave him a mirror, and that was the first time he realized it wasn't a smart fedora. Teri reads the clue out loud, but when they're walking away, he appears to say that they need to go to "the chateau" instead of "the Jet D'Eau." Oops. Then we hear Ian explain in a voice-over that neither he nor Teri is a pushover, which is code, I guess, for "we're both sort of jerks, so don't feel sorry for either of us." Which I believe. He describes their mutual snotting as "motivating." Well, as my father would say, okey-dokey, Okefenokee. Whatever you say.

2:41 AM. FloZach. Gee, Flo, I'm thinking six minutes is probably longer than the pants took, huh? You'd almost think the pants weren't the cause of the last leg's delay. Anyway, they read the clue. Flo helpfully explains that "Jet D'Eau" means "jet of water." In an interview, they explain that they're really not enjoying the feeling of being in last place at all. Make a note of it. If we keep writing down dislikes, at some point, we're going to stumble across something that makes Flo happy, if only by process of elimination.

Asshat gets a cab to Geneva. FloZach gets a lead from a random hotel guy, so they're off to Geneva as well. Flo asks the hotel guy to call a cab for them, but then as they're waiting, Zach gets twitchy about the prospect of paying for a taxi all the way to Geneva (which Phil previously pegged at better than fifty miles). Flo asks what else he would suggest, and Zach says that a train might be a possibility. This leads to a Flo voice-over about how annoying it is that Zach is so worried about money. "He's being so cheap," she practically spits. She has clearly decided to live leg-to-leg, and opted against accumulating money, despite clear evidence from races that money could be important. If you saw the racers trying to coax people out of their cabs in last season's finale, you know that they were trying to bribe people with paltry sums like fifty bucks, and you also know that had they been waving five hundred instead, they'd have had the cab -- and therefore, the race. Money is going to be huge one of these times, mark my words -- maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday. (There's my Casablanca joke! Only a few weeks late!) Despite Zach's misgivings, they do wind up taking the cab. Oh, look. She got her way. Sigh.

Bald Snark arrives at the airport to find it closed. Asshat follows, with Ian still bitching in a voice-over about how they've been "underestimated." Of course, his theory was that they were a target because all the other teams feared them. You'd think Ian could at least pick one self-aggrandizing theory and stick with it. Heavily edited snippets from Flo and Zach allegedly illustrate his point, however, as Zach voices over that he "tend[s] to forget about Teri and Ian," and Flo says she's "sure they haven't figured out where the hell they're going." Context for either statement? Oh, no. There's none. At any rate, Ian sounds out the whole "jet of water" thing as they look at the great big fountain. "Jet water, I got it," he says craftily. They grab the clue.

Jill and John Vito are rolling their luggage in front of them on a cart, apparently toward the hotel to which they were previously directed. They're on the airport road, though, which is sort of funny. Just walking along the middle of the road, steering the luggage cart. The only thing that would have made it better would have been horn noises. "Beep beep!" Or crash noises, of course. Crash noises are always in order.

Asshat and FloZach run into each other at the fountain as Asshat is leaving and FloZach is arriving. Asshat is working on finding out what country the flag belongs to, and they soon find themselves into a conversation with The World's Driest Individual. It's rather ironic, meeting the WDI at a 450-foot water attraction, but there you go. Fortunately for Asshat, he's up on his geography. They show him the flag. "Malaysia," says the WDI dryly. And then, even more dryly, "You are on the wrong continent." Ha! That was funny. I love the WDI. I say we keep him for the rest of the trip, and we start by introducing him to Flo. Asshat takes off, thoroughly put in their place. Hee.

FloZach pulls the towers clue, and they are the first team to actually recognize the name of the Petronas Towers and know immediately that the destination is in Malaysia. So one point for FloZach. You can imagine the high-fives in the Vassar alumni office at the realization that they've come up with something Flo and Zach actually know. They manage to say "Kuala Lumpur" three times before they're even in the cab, but they're off at last. They seem irrationally exuberant about the Petronas Towers to me. Maybe he's just happy that she's carrying her own backpack.

At what I suppose is the Geneva Airport Ramada, Jill and John Vito ask a guy whether he knows what country the flag they're holding comes from. He finally gives up the information that it's Malaysia, and they're off. John Vito voices over that it's 4:00 AM, and the airport opens at 5:00 AM, so they head back.

Derek and Drew arrive at the airport, correctly noting that it's closed. As the Asshat cab pulls in behind them, Teri is asking about where to find "Singapore Airline," but she and Ian, too, notice the closedness of the airport. Just once, I'd like to see them all sit down and sing camp songs in one of these situations. "We can't go inside. Ah, well. 'Oh, they built the ship Titanic, to sail the ocean blue...'"

JVJ are walking on the airport road again, just right down the middle. They get a little funny moment as John Vito looks up at the road signs and says, "Wanna get off at this exit?" Jill giggles. Me, too. I would just like to point out to all past teams who worked themselves into sweaty fits trying to be funny that it is the small, natural moments like that one that actually crack people up. The harder you work for it, the harder you [THUNK].

Derek and Drew and Asshat are having a little chat outside the airport. Asshat asks if they've seen any other teams, and Derek and Drew say they haven't. Just then, though, we see the Bald Snark and FloZach approaching. As the clock strikes 5:00 AM, everyone files into the airport. To her credit, Teri seems to press the opening time of a ticket agent, and she gets her rear in gear ahead of everyone else. However unpleasant Teri and Ian are to each other, they do seem capable of mustering up politeness when it benefits them personally, as it did here. SwissAir manages to make room for Asshat on a flight that's leaving at 7:50 AM, and the other teams are still working on flights when they take off. The Amazing Yellow Line finally earns its paycheck as it leaves Geneva, touches Zurich and Vienna, and then stretches east all the way to Kuala Lumpur. Now that is an Amazing Yellow Line.

Back at the airport, Derek and Drew eavesdrop on the Bald Snark's ticket-buying plans at the Air France counter, while John Vito and Jill work on their tickets as well. The Bald Snark and the twins share a chuckle as Ken and Gerard see that Derek and Drew have just completely piggybacked on them, taking the shortcut of telling the ticket agent to stick them on the same flights she gave to Ken and Gerard. Derek and Drew also nab tickets for FloZach, and actually, this shot of Flo with her hand on Drew's back as they stand in line is the first thing we've seen that makes this "flirtation" look like anything other than a manufactured distraction. Drew goes on to say in a quickie interview that he's helping FloZach because he "[doesn't] want to see her cry." Wow, there are so many things wrong with that that I hardly know where to start. When the guy is in fear of your inability to deal before you've even started dating, I have to wonder whether the whole thing is perhaps off to a poor start.

Now we have to sit through another interminable and non-sexy interlude of Drew voicing over that he likes Flo and Flo voicing over that Drew is "nice" and OH MY GOD JUST DO IT ALREADY. So far, this is about as smoldering as Andrea Mitchell and Alan Greenspan. Flo then calls Drew "really smart" and "really funny," because that's the law. Whenever you think someone is hot, you have to call them smart and funny. Because just saying "hot" makes you seem shallow. It's interesting to note that people who are actually smart and funny are not entitled to be called "hot," which hardly seems fair. ["Oh, now you tell me." -- Sars]

At 9:00 AM, the flight takes off carrying Nerd Lust, the Bald Snark, and JVJ. Derek comments that the only team not in the group is Asshat. He doesn't necessarily realize, of course, that this is because Asshat is out in front, but he also doesn't seem to assume that Asshat is behind. This particular flight goes from Geneva to Paris (Air France, you'll recall), and then it makes the big jump to Malaysia.

Asshat lands at the Kuala Lumpur airport. They're worrying about whether they're first. Oh, shut up. You're first.

On the plane, we see that Flo has positioned herself to Drew, and has left a seat between herself and Zach. Zach comments on the weirdness of the "symbolic distance between [him] and [his] partner," and about "another man moving in." Aw, Zach. You're better off, believe me. No, you are.

When they all land in Kuala Lumpur, Gerard inquires about a taxi to the Petronas Towers, and he's informed that the train is actually the quickest way. These teams all clamber onto the train. Zach explains that they're headed to the towers, but that the absent Asshat is "a question mark." Flo says they "hope they're far behind." Ugh. Thus begins Flo's quest to ensure that her karma is even worse than Ian's.

At 7:30 AM, Teri and Ian are at the towers. Teri reads the clue, which points out that these are the tallest buildings in Asia. It then tells the teams that they should pick up one of the Kodak Easy-Share cameras that's been provided and get someone to take a Kodak Easy-Share picture of this Kodak Easy-Share moment. The Kodak Easy-Share picture has to include both members of the team with both buildings. In explaining the clue, Phil manages to say "Kodak Easy-Share" yet again. He does provide the more useful information that when they've taken the picture, they'll have to take the camera to the Ampang Park shopping center, where there's a self-service Kodak kiosk where they can print the pictures. Phil actually says "develop," but -- digital cameras? Not so much with the developing.

Asshat asks some locals to take their picture. In a disappointing moment even for him, Ian actually acts impatient and rude to the person who stops to help, waving his arm and saying, "Come on, I'm in a hurry, please." Ian, you can't treat that guy in that rude way! That's a stranger, not your wife! They do manage to get the picture taken, however, and they ask for directions to Ampang Park. They head off and discuss the fact that they have a lead. I wish they'd stop talking about their lead, because that only makes me think about it.

The rest of the teams are still on the train, and Flo is working on her anti-karma. Derek mentions that Teri and Ian aren't on the train, and she snots, "They're slow, they don't get it." She goes on, inordinately pleased with herself, "Ian probably stopped to, like, bother some locals."

The Amazing Editors slam-cut to Ian, bothering the locals. Heh. "Is this Ampang?" he is yelling annoyingly through a window. "Which way is Ampang?" He keeps...well, bothering the locals until someone gets him going in some direction or other.

The rest of the teams arrive at the towers and look for the flag. Jill sees it first, but her urgent "John Vito, John Vito, John Vito" alerts the other teams, who quickly follow. There is a dash to the flag, but in the end they all get there at roughly the same time and pull the camera clue. That's the Kodak Easy-Share digital camera clue, by the way.

Asshat, a few steps ahead, is looking for the Kodak kiosk. Teri is asking a guy on a motorcycle for "Ampang Shopping Park." He doesn't know. The guy doesn't know either. As they continue walking, Ian snots to her that she's too slow. She does not, for whatever reason, just haul off and whap him across the nose with the clue. That would have been funny, though. He orders her to jog. That certainly would have been it for me. WHAP! "This is crazy," she mutters. "Now don't shut down on me now!" he drill-sergeants.

JVJ get their picture taken. She smiles. He doesn't. Derek and Drew get their picture taken. They keep all their clothes on. FloZach gets their picture taken. She doesn't scream. The Bald Snark gets their picture taken. They're...still bald.

"Come!" Ian barks impatiently at Teri, yet again. "I don't need this from you," she says. But, you'll notice, it all works in the course of their relationship. Yep. Say what you will, they sure are happy.

Now everyone is looking madly for the shopping center, with Teri and Ian presumably closest. This appears to be the hardest-to-find shopping mall ever. If I were one of the people whose stores are located there, I would call the local Chamber of Commerce and tell them that we apparently need more conspicuous advertising, because "hidden" isn't really a selling point for quality retail space. Asshat eventually reaches what they think is the destination, but they find that they are at the Ampang Park train station, rather than the Ampang Park shopping center. "We're in serious trouble," Ian says as they look at the map.

Commercials. You know, it's just like the Postal Service tells you. Nothing says Christmas like Styrofoam peanuts. You can pretend they're snow, plus reindeer choke on them. Whoopee!

Asshat is still confused at the train station. Nearby, they find a couple of kids who point when Ian asks them where the "photomat" is. I don't think they call it a photomat anymore, Ian. Anyway, the kids point, but when Ian gets to where they pointed, it's a sort of a portrait-painting stand. Teri and Ian bicker over what it is that they're looking for, and Teri says it's a "Quick Foto" place. They do manage to find it, and they go inside to print the pictures. Did you know that after you take pictures with your Kodak Easy-Share Camera, you can take the camera's memory card directly to a convenient Kodak PictureMaker kiosk in your local pharmacy or big-box retailer and create crisp, high-quality prints in several sizes and formats? You can enlarge, crop, remove red-eye, and even add whimsical borders and lettering! Okay, I have no idea if you can do most of those things, but I'm perfectly willing to do my share to give Kodak the most for their product-placement dollar. At any rate, Teri and Ian take out the memory card and put it into the machine. As they work on this, Teri voices over, "I'm the brains, he's the brawn." I suppose so, under a certain theory of relative merit. They print the picture, and when they do, the print that emerges from the machine has the clue on the back. It tells them to go to Singapore and "find Margaret Thatcher" in the National Orchid Gardens.